Stand-up

• Fun and run should never be in the same sentence, that's like saying, 'look at my humour tumour!'

• I saw a sign by the side of the road that said 'Tiredness can kill'... I never knew that. Last Saturday I stayed up watching films! I could have died!

• What do you want? Hmm? My land?

• Someone told me I should tell my dad I love him before he dies... but what if I get the timing wrong and he lives for another 20 years?! I don't think either of us could deal with the embarrassment! I'd have to kill him!

• This stage is awful big. I should be doing the show on horseback.

• I was on Desert Island Discs with Sue Lawley. She asked me for two books I'd take with me to a desert island, and I didn't like the threat implied in that question. I said that the first would be a big, inflatable book, and the second would be "How to make oars out of sand".

• I saw a shop window displaying "essential oils". I didn't have any of them. I'm lucky to be alive!