Grandma's Boy Quotations

Grandma's Boy is a 2006 film about a 35 year-old video game tester who ends up homeless, and has to move in with his grandmother and her two zany, elderly roommates.

Directed by Nicholaus Goosen. Written by Barry Wernick with Allen Covert & Nick Swardson.

Sex. Drugs. Nakedness. Rude language... And proud of it!taglines

Alex

[to children sitting at wedding reception table] So, you can't kill the demon at the end of level six? Do you have the magic arrows? Easy, here's what you do. Hide behind the boulder. When the demon comes out of the cave, shoot him three times with the magic arrows. Then his head will start to spin. Once that happens, you jump up on the boulder, you do a flying downward thrust with the sword of doom, and thats it - level six is done.
Oh, oh, oh my God! I'm sorry, I can't stop cumming, I'm sorry! Oh-ho-ho, It feels so good!
Hey, JP - That's a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?
My grandma drank all my pot.
Dude, your bed's a car.
At least I have a bush!
You can't get stoned and be an accountant, you make too many mistakes, lose people millions.
Dude, you do know that lions eat deer right?
Don't judge me monkey!
[to J.P. after exiting Samantha's office] You're fuckin' weird man.
I didn't wanna disturb you....you were balls deep in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth.
Ya I know....west west yo.
Don't slit your wrists Kahne, im here.
There was this fire... and i was trying to save it from this baby....
Ya it was my roomates.....they're crazy....they tied me up. They were having their way with me and right when i was about to call the police....i came....and that was nice
Oh, yes! Finally a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast, I don't know what you are but I'm gonna fucking eat you too.

[looking around]
Of course she doesn't have a microwave she's fucking a hundred.

Jeff

Do you need a stuffed animal? I have a dog. I think I have a bear. Yeah, I have a bear.

I can't believe you came on my mom. You might be the biggest perv in the world right now.

My roommates said they'd get me rims for christmas. And a CB Radio so I can talk to other car beds.

I'll run over your attitude, It sucks.

Line up you fuckin' nerds. Who's wants a shot at the champ!?

Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too - it's not grey.

What's goin' on, shitlips?

Whats up Douche Bigelow?

You're dead to me, over.

[sigh] I shoulda' worn a condom.

That's great Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution, so - you're dumb.

Nice karma, Guy-Blow.

I have to pee out of my ass.

[to Grace] So, i mean, what's it like being old? It's gotta be weird, right? I mean, you saw a lotta stuff go down. World War I, World War II, the automobile, Tupac, i mean... [GRACE: I once gave Charlie Chaplain a hand job] Noo way! Was he silent?

Wassup, Silver Fox?

Oh, I started a fight club.

Shit's weak! Shit's weak! Wizzeak!

Hey, look! It's Bono's brother.

Yea.. but it's a fucking sweet car!

[Mimicking J.P.] My name is JP. I am a robot. I like robots. I have a robot vagina.

Let's do it—The levels I mean, not sex.

What does high score mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?

That's cool.....if you wanna be sober and vomit.

Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

Do you have bathrooms here, or do i have to shit in a plant?

Ok... so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy smelled like the Great Depression.

Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie! (Barry: For thirteen hours!)

Dude, we were just kidding JP. (mimicking JP's Robot voice) Don't be mad at us!

Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

Let's fucking rage!

Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...(said like a news anchor) "A little Hiroshima on my balls".

Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.

Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!

Hello........Cool i hope its a naked dude with a boner.

I love my turtle.

J.P.

[robot voice] Adiós turd-nuggets.
Oh, yeah... Careful is my middle name, heh - Actually, it's not, it's Philip. [sobs]
How can he see me?
But, underneath this genius...I'm simply a human. You know. But I'm working on that.
Does it scare you Kain?
It's the future of gaming.
You would if you had robot ears.
I hate your face!
[robot voice] I am not amused.
[robot voice] Please sit on my face.
[robot voice] I want you to drink from my man faucet.
[robot voice] Must ingest more fuel.
[when Alex asks him how his game is going that he is developing] People will bow to it.
[robot voice in dismay] SAMANTHA is fucking ALEX!

Mr. Cheezle

It's a wonderful dandelion/nettle blend. Very cleansing. Good for new beginnings.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea. And then I dove into the ocean... And I swam with the dolphins. I was two animals joined as one... ...which meant - good things are coming. Good things.

Oh, ok, ok... Fair enough, yeah, rage it up. Rage all you want. Good things are coming. Good things.

I had a dream last night. I was a snake slithering through the grass, until I came upon a dead elk, and I climbed into his soul, and its there I stayed until morning, which meant I will underestimate someone very close to me.

Lilly

[playing video game] Uh-uh, wait your turn. I'm on a roll here. Take that - You dirty dopers.
[Responding to Grandpa having a few beers at the party, if he was alive] He would have had twenty! No, he had a problem...
I can hear my hair growing
Who wants some cereal? (yeah Colonel Crackers is the best) Oh I just wish he would hop off the box and hang out with us, I think he's so cute!
(guess I'm not high enough to get that one)" You know what else you're not gonna get? The Kernel! Here you go sweetie. (gruff voice) sucks to be you nerd!
Want an ice-cream sandwich? They're on whole wheat with lettuce.

Grace

I didn't know you were bringing people. I would've trimmed my antlers!

That's sweet. Let's see... You're my, uh... I dunno, three-thousand something.

I'll give you my grandson's number, he's gay too.

Dante

Go monkey! Karate chop the elephant!

Holy Shit! I am naked... Come on in!

Suck those jugs, kid!

The phone is for you. I think it's the Devil!

Dude. Anyone can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion!

I'm not brown... I'm bronzed!

Dude, you know you can't raise your voice like that when the lion comes!

So I looked up in my tree, and there was the fuckin' king of the jungle. So I called the five-O!

It's called the Brown Bomber. It'll get you so stoned you'll shit your pants!

I'll smoke it with you bro, we'll go to the looney bin together. I don't give a fuck!

What is that ringing? Do I have a tumor?

Drive monkey, DRIVE!!!!

I'm way too baked to drive to the Devil's house!!!

This shits fuckin crazy!!!

By girlfriend you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick at night?

Dude, that party was off the hook kid, your girl can drink her fuckin face off!!!!!

I got my yellow belt, monkey got his red belt....he's a quick learner!

Shut up monkey, I've got company dude!

You look like a bag of shit. You sure you don't wanna borrow my birthday suit?

I feel like Tom Cruise in cocktail!

It's tequila! It's supposed to fuck you up!

Shiloh

Stupid fucking idiot, red shirted ass.

Yes it sucks we don't have alcohol, but we do serve shots of wheat grass.

I know the food doesn't sound good but it tastes good and is good for you.

You said it wrong stupid, it's Shiloh

You were sweet

Welcome to "Our Lady Health" my name's Shiloh and i'll be serving you today.

Lets make fun of the vegans and their crazy lifestyle....we're not hurting anybody. Go eat a hamburger, and choke on a cow dick!

Dialogue

Josh: I love them so much...

Alex: You love who?

Josh: The girls at Madame Kamay's Philipino Palace

Alex: You've been spending our rent money, on philipino hookers?

Josh: They're NOT HOOKERS! They're massage theripists.

Big Mover (Kevin Nash): They'll massage your cock for money.

Other Mover: Yeah there's a word for that, I think its hooker?

Josh: YOU'RE A HOOKER!

Alex: Hey Timmy, can I crash at your house?

Timmy: Why so you can jack off on my mom?

Alex: Jeff's a fuckin liar Timmy!

Dante: That is pure fucking insanity.

Alex: Yeah, he got addicted to hookers.

Dante: No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong kid... EVER!

Dante: Oh hey Alex, I was just puttin up my Christmas tree.

Alex: Dude, it's July.

Dante: Get the fuck outta here, it is?!

J.P.: School, [nerdy snicker] I didn't need school. All I ever cared about were video games, and they've made me a millionaire. So, maybe I don't know what the civil war was, or who invented the helicopter, even though I own one - but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk.

Samantha: Cool.

J.P.: Yeah. I'm thinking of getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.

Dante: Where do you get your weed?

Mr.Cheezle: From you Dante!

Dante: Oh yeah! What's up Mr. Cheezle!

Barry: Hey Dante my girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night...

Dante: No shit And by Girlfriend do you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick every night?

Barry: [Laughing] ... yes... [Starts to cry]

Jeff: What's up Douche Bigalow?

Alex: Hey Speed Racer. Did you valet your bed?

Jeff: No, I self parked it in your asshole

Alex: Dude, your bed's a car.

Jeff: Yeah, but it's a fuckin' sweet car.

Cast

Linda Cardellini - Samantha
Allen Covert - Alex
Peter Dante - Dante
Shirley Jones - Grace
Shirley Knight - Bea
Joel Moore - J.P.
Kevin Nealon - Mr. Cheezle
Doris Roberts - Grandma Lilly
Nick Swardson - Jeff
Jonah Hill - Barry
Kelvin Yu - Kane
Rob Schneider - Yuri
David Spade - Shiloh