Ankh-Morpork Assassins' Guild
Encyclopedia
The Ankh-Morpork Assassins' Guild is a fictional school for professional killers in Terry Pratchett
's long-running Discworld
series of fantasy novels. It is located in Ankh-Morpork
, the largest city
on the Discworld
, and is widely considered by the elite to be the best option for a well-rounded education anywhere.
The Guild of Assassins is located in a light, airy series of buildings next to the Guild of Fools and Joculators, which, being a far more sinister building, is often mistaken for the Assassins'. The guild is currently headed by Lord Downey.
. In AM1576 the school was elevated to the status of a Guild
and the name was changed to the Royal Guild of Assassins. The 'Royal' was dropped after the 'events' of AM1688 (i.e. the Ankh-Morpork Civil War, as a result of which the monarchy was overthrown).
In response to huge demand among the aristocracy for their children to receive the well-rounded education the Guild offered, the Guild's charter was expanded to include those intending to gain skills in proper Assassination.
For most of its history the Assassins Guild School was a male-only establishment (although talented, self-taught women might become members of the Guild itself), however it has recently become co-educational.
It is said to be the only school of assassination on the Discworld. However, assassination began in Klatch, and it is stated in Interesting Times
that there is a small, very select guild in Hunghung, in the Agatean Empire.
The Cloister houses the busts and portraits of famous victims of the guild's various graduates, along with the date of death and the name of the Assassin with whose "assistance" they threw off their respective mortal coils.
The Museum contains many noted tools and traps, such as rigged teddy bears, used in successful killings.
The Library is the largest in Ankh-Morpork outside that of Unseen University
, though it probably surpasses the latter in "certain specialist areas".
as a typical British public school with the knobs turned up to eleven
. Like a British public school, it is divided into houses, often named for a deadly animal. The most oft-mentioned is Viper House, though Scorpion, Tree Frog, Raven and Cobra Houses have also been mentioned. Initially a purely male institution, it has recognised female students as being at least equal to their brothers in the matter of inventive killing, and has opened Black Widow and Mantis Houses for girls.
The Assassins' Guild is known for providing the best education in Ankh-Morpork. Most of the nobility in the city (and beyond) send their children there. Very few actually become assassins; many who attend do not learn valuable weapon skills, but are mainly there for the arts courses. These students are known as Oppidans, from the Latatian for "town" (see Town and gown
). Guild graduates can be expected to be at home in any company, and to be able to play at least one musical instrument. However, those who do not graduate are generally never seen again; as noted in Wyrd Sisters
, the Guild is fond of competitive examination, and Pyramids mentions that the Guild is "easy to get into and easy to get out of; the trick was to get out upright." It is implied, though not confirmed, that Oppidans are not included in this.
When an assassin reaches the end of his final year, he must undertake a "final exam" known as 'The Run', which consists of an oral test, a run through an obstacle course at night in Ankh-Morpork and the targeted killing of a single individual. As described in Pyramids, it is designed to test all aspects of the trade, including covert maneuvering, climbing, trap evasion, contingency planning, and (at the end) the ability to actually line up your target and finish the job—all under pressures akin to a real contract (failure is always fatal, and students have bounties on them during 'The Run'). To prepare for 'The Run', the Guild encourages particularly competitive forms of recreation; in particular the "Wall Game" (far more sadistic than the real-world Eton wall game
, it is essentially an extreme hybrid of rock-climbing and dodgeball
), and Stealth Chess. Furthermore, a school sport is edificing—the climbing of buildings, often done on unusual/notable buildings in the city itself, with each major building having a rating out of 10 representing how difficult it is to climb (as noted in Pyramids). School houses have their own teams, and the teams compete against one another.
Motto: Nil Mortifi Sine Lucre (No killing without payment).
, the assassins' code also demands that they be paid a very large amount to do so. Typical Guild contracts have the Guild taking half of the payment, with the Assassin keeping the remainder. The code also demands Assassins never reveal the source of the contract. After an inhumation they must by law always leave a receipt. They must also give the client (they view the victim as the client) a sporting chance, and thus are forbidden from accepting contracts on those who are unable to defend themselves (though for their purposes, anyone wealthy enough to afford bodyguards is considered able to defend themselves, whether they have actually hired any or not). With this in mind the Guild strongly disapproves of firearms (which are, in any case, extremely uncommon on the Disc), and also of most (but not all) other mechanical or chemical weapons. Also, it is apparent that the Guild will only accept one contract per client (who would be relieved to know that only one Assassin is planning to kill them), as mentioned in Making Money
. They also frown on performing jobs on the street (again to distance themselves from common hitmen) and prefer to service a client in his/her home or place of business (Feet of Clay
).
It is accepted that an Assassin may find it necessary to inhume bodyguards, including other Assassins, while on a commission. However, if these can be incapacitated without being killed, it is considered good manners to do so.
In very rare cases, usually of personal offence, the head of the Assassins' Guild may stretch some of those rules, if only to make a statement. This was described by Dr Cruces as "Inhumation with extreme impoliteness
", and by Lady T'malia in Pyramids as "Termination with extreme prejudice". This procedure requires not only that the victim be inhumed in an extremely thorough way, but that the victim's associates and employees be also intimately involved, along with the business premises, the building, and a large part of the surrounding neighbourhood, so that everyone involved knows that the man has been unwise enough to make the kind of enemies who can get very angry and indiscriminate.
It is also the case that the rules may be relaxed if the Assassin is "outside civilisation" (the Überwald area is considered outside civilisation, as are the more remote areas of Klatch. The Assassins have not, as yet, been known to operate in the Counterweight Continent or FourEcks).
An Assassin must always act with style. Without style, he's just an expensive thug. They must always dress stylishly in black (which, although not the best colour for being unseen at night, is the correct colour for being an Assassin) and must always seem vaguely bored and, if possible, slightly foreign.
The rules of Assassination are so utterly formalised and strict that anyone with a strategic mind, a decent budget, and a firm knowledge of their code can usually avoid death at their hands, as Commander of the City Watch Sam Vimes has proved many times. The Commander has been so difficult to inhume that as of the events of The Fifth Elephant, the last time the Guild was approached, no one stepped forward to accept the contract, despite the six-hundred-thousand dollar fee (p.131), and by Night Watch he was off the register entirely, preventing any one from taking out a contract on him, an order so powerful that only Lord Vetinari has ever been "struck off" before (though this was largely for political reasons - namely that Vetinari was infinitely preferable to both most of the other Patricians in recent history and any likely alternatives). Vimes has petitioned for the decision to be overturned.
of Assassins', presumably an honorary position.
The current head of the Assassins' Guild. He succeeded Dr Cruces after his death; before that he was his deputy. He is a kindly looking, distinguished old gentleman with white hair, eminently professional and seemingly unflappable. Certain evidence suggests, however, that he was not always quite as refined or in-control as he is now. He was at school with Havelock Vetinari, where he was a bully and something of an imbecile, with a propensity for calling everyone 'scags', including Vetinari, whom he also referred to as dog-botherer. Thirty years' passage seems to have improved him. Also, the fact that he managed to get on Vetinari's bad side may have something to do with it.
Allegedly, Lord Downey's preferred method of inhumation is poisoning, though no deaths have yet been attributed to him. Pratchett suggests this is probably due to the fact that he is very good at his job. His special recipe for humbug
s, submitted to Nanny Ogg
, calls for "arsenic to taste", though, since arsenic is actually very traceable, this is likely a slight bit of misinformation on his part. One current tradition he maintains is inviting certain students to his office for sherry and an almond slice. Given the nature of most Assassins' Guild traditions, this could be seen as a kind of impromptu "pass or fail" examination (see bitter almonds for the reason why).
Lord Downey first appears in Men at Arms
, makes his first appearance as Guildmaster in Feet of Clay, and appears again in Hogfather
. He also appears in Night Watch as a student bully. In the Sky One
adaptation of Hogfather Downey was played by David Warner
.
. He speaks with a heavy accent and has a penchant for chewing on cloves. Following an attempt on the prince's life by an unknown assassin, he is suspected of killing the Watch's prime suspect, provoking Vimes and other Watch members to pursue him back to Klatch (Particularly after he captures Angua in werewolf form).
Apart from belonging to a vicious but honorable warrior clan known as the D'regs, he is later revealed to be the Alwi of Klatch, a Klatchian equivalent of a watchman on a par with Vimes. It also turns out his obsessive clove-chewing and broken Morporkian are in fact a disguise meant to delude foreigners into falsely assuming he is nothing but an uncivilized barbarian. Like many privileged foreigners, he was sent to the Assassins' Guild as a child on the assumption that he would get an excellent education. He confounds Vimes by his fond memories of Ankh-Morpork, and even Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler. He and Vimes eventually develop a wary respect for each other, mostly based on both of them being basically-honest cops in unenviable positions.
He got his nickname after killing a man (guilty of poisoning a well, and killing a number of villagers and very valuable camels) one hour before the traditional D'reg three days of hospitality, during which even your greatest enemy should be shown respect, would have run out.
; when he discovers that Carrot Ironfoundersson is a descendant of the Ankh-Morpork royal line, he conspires to give him the throne. When he obtains Leonard of Quirm's "gonne" (the Discworld's first gunpowder-fired weapon), he becomes progressively more insane, accidentally killing a clown. After an "accident" in which a dwarf artifacer is killed by the jealous gonne, who fears he will make more, a frightened d'Eath takes his evidence to Dr. Cruces, who listens quite kindly until he touches the gonne and kills young Edward.
He was taken into the Guild as a child because the administration took pity on him after he lost his parents at a young age. It is never specified what happened to young Jonathan's parents; it is, however, implied that what happened to them was Jonathan.
He is boyishly handsome, with curly hair and a ready smile, but these features are ruined by his eyes. One is grey glass (black in the film adaptation) and the other is off-white, with a tiny, pinhole-sized pupil. He is, undoubtedly, a genius
, but also sociopathic
to an astonishing degree. His mind has been compared at times to both a corkscrew and a shattered mirror (i.e. something brilliant, sharp, and dazzling, but also fundamentally and irrevocably twisted/broken). His main problem seems to be that he 'sees things differently from other people, in that he sees other people as things'. This gets him into a spot of trouble early on, as his assassinations often include the brutal murders of not just the target, but also their family, their servants, and very often their pets, all of which are direct violations of Guild protocol. Senior assassins regarded him as a young man to watch, preferably from a distance.
However, when the Auditors of Reality
need someone to assassinate the Hogfather (the Discworld equivalent to Father Christmas
or Santa Claus
), Mr Teatime is just the man for the job. When questioned, he reveals to his superior, Lord Downey, that he often used to lie awake in bed at night and think of ways to kill not only the Hogfather, but also the Tooth Fairy
and the Soul Cake Tuesday Duck (Discworld's version of the Easter Bunny
), among others (including Death
). He commissions the help of a cadre of lowlifes, ranging from big Banjo Lilywhite to the locksmith Mr Brown, and sets about putting his ingenious plan into action, which inevitably pits him against Susan Sto Helit
and her grandfather, Death.
Most of the time, Mr Teatime seems a pleasant, albeit odd young man. He only seems to get irritated when people mispronounce his name. However, he possesses physical abilities which defy physics
, and has been known to perform feats such as stabbing through all layers of clothing but stopping before hitting flesh, doing the same thing but with eyelids instead of clothing and eyes instead of flesh, flipping on thin air, and killing so fast he appears to be a blur, all of which he will do without any notice or provocation. Rumours among his associates (somewhat confirmed in the GURPS Discworld
RPG sourcebook co-written by Pratchett) imply that the glass eye is in fact a scrying crystal, which might go some way towards explaining his abilities but also means that he implanted notoriously erratic Discworld magic into his own eye-socket.
He is always cheerful, sometimes in positions when he shouldn't have been. He has a certain, and in some places 'scary' way of speaking; The content didn't match the tone.
The Assassins' Guild lists him as having vanished without trace since the events in Hogfather, though they have named a "Teatime Prize" in his honour, which is given annually to the student who devises the most creative, but technically accurate, hypothetical inhumation, preferably complete with maps and a proposed route that avoids or disables any guards.
In the Sky One adaptation of Hogfather, Mr Teatime is played by Marc Warren
. Warren plays Teatime with an American, and more specifically, a New England accent, partly based on Johnny Depp
's version of Willy Wonka
(another unpredictable and "childlike" character).
Terry Pratchett
Sir Terence David John "Terry" Pratchett, OBE is an English novelist, known for his frequently comical work in the fantasy genre. He is best known for his popular and long-running Discworld series of comic fantasy novels...
's long-running Discworld
Discworld
Discworld is a comic fantasy book series by English author Sir Terry Pratchett, set on the Discworld, a flat world balanced on the backs of four elephants which, in turn, stand on the back of a giant turtle, Great A'Tuin. The books frequently parody, or at least take inspiration from, J. R. R....
series of fantasy novels. It is located in Ankh-Morpork
Ankh-Morpork
Ankh-Morpork is a fictional city-state which prominently features in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series of fantasy novels. As cities go, it is on the far side of corrupt and polluted, and is subject to outbreaks of comedic violence and brouhaha on a fairly regular basis...
, the largest city
City
A city is a relatively large and permanent settlement. Although there is no agreement on how a city is distinguished from a town within general English language meanings, many cities have a particular administrative, legal, or historical status based on local law.For example, in the U.S...
on the Discworld
Discworld (world)
The Discworld is the fictional setting for all of Terry Pratchett's Discworld fantasy novels. It consists of a large disc resting on the backs of four huge elephants which are in turn standing on the back of an enormous turtle, named Great A'Tuin as it slowly swims...
, and is widely considered by the elite to be the best option for a well-rounded education anywhere.
The Guild of Assassins is located in a light, airy series of buildings next to the Guild of Fools and Joculators, which, being a far more sinister building, is often mistaken for the Assassins'. The guild is currently headed by Lord Downey.
History
The Assassins' Guild was founded on 27 August AM1512 by Sir Gyles de Munforte as the de Munforte School for Gentlemen Assassins. Sir Gyles was a warrior knight who, during his crusades in Klatch, was intrigued by the Klatchian tradition of professional gentleman assassins, and decided to set up a similar organisation at home, only without the drugsHashshashin
The Assassins were an order of Nizari Ismailis, particularly those of Persia that existed from around 1092 to 1265...
. In AM1576 the school was elevated to the status of a Guild
Guild
A guild is an association of craftsmen in a particular trade. The earliest types of guild were formed as confraternities of workers. They were organized in a manner something between a trade union, a cartel, and a secret society...
and the name was changed to the Royal Guild of Assassins. The 'Royal' was dropped after the 'events' of AM1688 (i.e. the Ankh-Morpork Civil War, as a result of which the monarchy was overthrown).
In response to huge demand among the aristocracy for their children to receive the well-rounded education the Guild offered, the Guild's charter was expanded to include those intending to gain skills in proper Assassination.
For most of its history the Assassins Guild School was a male-only establishment (although talented, self-taught women might become members of the Guild itself), however it has recently become co-educational.
It is said to be the only school of assassination on the Discworld. However, assassination began in Klatch, and it is stated in Interesting Times
Interesting Times
Interesting Times is the seventeenth novel in the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett.The opening lines explain that the title refers to the phrase "may you live in interesting times".-Plot summary:...
that there is a small, very select guild in Hunghung, in the Agatean Empire.
Notable locations
The Bell Tower houses the Inhumation Bell, which marks not only the hours (though fashionably late) but also the successful completion of an assassin's contract. It also tones to mark the passing of assassins (these can be the same thing). The Bell Tower is topped by Wiggy Charlie, a weathervane in the shape of a cloaked man.The Cloister houses the busts and portraits of famous victims of the guild's various graduates, along with the date of death and the name of the Assassin with whose "assistance" they threw off their respective mortal coils.
The Museum contains many noted tools and traps, such as rigged teddy bears, used in successful killings.
The Library is the largest in Ankh-Morpork outside that of Unseen University
Unseen University
The Unseen University is a school of wizardry in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series of fantasy novels. Located in the city of Ankh-Morpork, the UU is staffed by a faculty composed of mostly indolent and inept old wizards. The university's name is a pun on the Invisible College...
, though it probably surpasses the latter in "certain specialist areas".
Structure and activities
Pratchett describes the Assassins' Guild in The Art of DiscworldThe Art of Discworld
The Art of Discworld is a descriptive book of the world of the Discworld as portrayed in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. It showcases the art of Paul Kidby with descriptions of characters and locations by Pratchett and some details of the development of the art by Kidby himself.The book...
as a typical British public school with the knobs turned up to eleven
Up to eleven
"Up to eleven" or "these go to eleven" is an idiom from popular culture which has come to refer to anything being exploited to its utmost abilities, or apparently exceeding them, such as a sound volume control. Similarly, the expression "turning it up to eleven" refers to the act of taking...
. Like a British public school, it is divided into houses, often named for a deadly animal. The most oft-mentioned is Viper House, though Scorpion, Tree Frog, Raven and Cobra Houses have also been mentioned. Initially a purely male institution, it has recognised female students as being at least equal to their brothers in the matter of inventive killing, and has opened Black Widow and Mantis Houses for girls.
The Assassins' Guild is known for providing the best education in Ankh-Morpork. Most of the nobility in the city (and beyond) send their children there. Very few actually become assassins; many who attend do not learn valuable weapon skills, but are mainly there for the arts courses. These students are known as Oppidans, from the Latatian for "town" (see Town and gown
Town and gown
Town and gown are two distinct communities of a university town; "town" being the non-academic population and "gown" metonymically being the university community, especially in ancient seats of learning such as Oxford, Cambridge, Durham and St Andrews, although the term is also used to describe...
). Guild graduates can be expected to be at home in any company, and to be able to play at least one musical instrument. However, those who do not graduate are generally never seen again; as noted in Wyrd Sisters
Wyrd Sisters
Wyrd Sisters is Terry Pratchett's sixth Discworld novel, published in 1988, and re-introduces Granny Weatherwax of Equal Rites.- Plot :...
, the Guild is fond of competitive examination, and Pyramids mentions that the Guild is "easy to get into and easy to get out of; the trick was to get out upright." It is implied, though not confirmed, that Oppidans are not included in this.
When an assassin reaches the end of his final year, he must undertake a "final exam" known as 'The Run', which consists of an oral test, a run through an obstacle course at night in Ankh-Morpork and the targeted killing of a single individual. As described in Pyramids, it is designed to test all aspects of the trade, including covert maneuvering, climbing, trap evasion, contingency planning, and (at the end) the ability to actually line up your target and finish the job—all under pressures akin to a real contract (failure is always fatal, and students have bounties on them during 'The Run'). To prepare for 'The Run', the Guild encourages particularly competitive forms of recreation; in particular the "Wall Game" (far more sadistic than the real-world Eton wall game
Eton Wall Game
The Eton wall game is a game similar to football and Rugby Union, that originated from and is still played at Eton College. It is played on a strip of ground 5 metres wide and 110 metres long next to a slightly curved brick wall, erected in 1717....
, it is essentially an extreme hybrid of rock-climbing and dodgeball
Dodgeball
Dodgeball is any of a variety of games in which players try to hit other players on the opposing team with balls while avoiding being hit themselves. This article is about a well-known form of team sport with modified rules that is often played in physical education classes and has been featured...
), and Stealth Chess. Furthermore, a school sport is edificing—the climbing of buildings, often done on unusual/notable buildings in the city itself, with each major building having a rating out of 10 representing how difficult it is to climb (as noted in Pyramids). School houses have their own teams, and the teams compete against one another.
Coat of arms
A shield, bisected by a bend sinister et purpure. Dexter a poignard d'or, draped with a masque en sable, lined gris on a field gules. Sinister two croix d'or on a sable field.Motto: Nil Mortifi Sine Lucre (No killing without payment).
Code of conduct
The Assassins' Guild has a strict code of conduct. It is considered absolutely unforgivable for an Assassin to kill (or as they refer to it, "inhume") for any reason other than being paid to do so. Of course, to distinguish themselves from common hitmenHitman
A hitman is a person hired to kill another person.- Hitmen in organized crime :Hitmen are largely linked to the world of organized crime. Hitmen are hired people who kill people for money. Notable examples include Murder, Inc., Mafia hitmen and Richard Kuklinski.- Other cases involving hitmen...
, the assassins' code also demands that they be paid a very large amount to do so. Typical Guild contracts have the Guild taking half of the payment, with the Assassin keeping the remainder. The code also demands Assassins never reveal the source of the contract. After an inhumation they must by law always leave a receipt. They must also give the client (they view the victim as the client) a sporting chance, and thus are forbidden from accepting contracts on those who are unable to defend themselves (though for their purposes, anyone wealthy enough to afford bodyguards is considered able to defend themselves, whether they have actually hired any or not). With this in mind the Guild strongly disapproves of firearms (which are, in any case, extremely uncommon on the Disc), and also of most (but not all) other mechanical or chemical weapons. Also, it is apparent that the Guild will only accept one contract per client (who would be relieved to know that only one Assassin is planning to kill them), as mentioned in Making Money
Making Money
Making Money is a Terry Pratchett novel in the Discworld series, first published in the UK on 20 September 2007. It is the second novel featuring Moist von Lipwig, and involves the Ankh-Morpork mint and specifically the introduction of paper money to the city...
. They also frown on performing jobs on the street (again to distance themselves from common hitmen) and prefer to service a client in his/her home or place of business (Feet of Clay
Feet of Clay
Feet of Clay is the nineteenth Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett, published in 1996. The story follows the members of the City Watch, as they attempt to solve murders apparently committed by a golem, as well as the unusual poisoning of the Patrician, Lord Vetinari.The title is a figure of speech...
).
It is accepted that an Assassin may find it necessary to inhume bodyguards, including other Assassins, while on a commission. However, if these can be incapacitated without being killed, it is considered good manners to do so.
In very rare cases, usually of personal offence, the head of the Assassins' Guild may stretch some of those rules, if only to make a statement. This was described by Dr Cruces as "Inhumation with extreme impoliteness
Terminate with extreme prejudice
In military and other covert operations, terminate with extreme prejudice is a euphemism for execution . In a military intelligence context, it is generally understood as an order to assassinate...
", and by Lady T'malia in Pyramids as "Termination with extreme prejudice". This procedure requires not only that the victim be inhumed in an extremely thorough way, but that the victim's associates and employees be also intimately involved, along with the business premises, the building, and a large part of the surrounding neighbourhood, so that everyone involved knows that the man has been unwise enough to make the kind of enemies who can get very angry and indiscriminate.
It is also the case that the rules may be relaxed if the Assassin is "outside civilisation" (the Überwald area is considered outside civilisation, as are the more remote areas of Klatch. The Assassins have not, as yet, been known to operate in the Counterweight Continent or FourEcks).
An Assassin must always act with style. Without style, he's just an expensive thug. They must always dress stylishly in black (which, although not the best colour for being unseen at night, is the correct colour for being an Assassin) and must always seem vaguely bored and, if possible, slightly foreign.
The rules of Assassination are so utterly formalised and strict that anyone with a strategic mind, a decent budget, and a firm knowledge of their code can usually avoid death at their hands, as Commander of the City Watch Sam Vimes has proved many times. The Commander has been so difficult to inhume that as of the events of The Fifth Elephant, the last time the Guild was approached, no one stepped forward to accept the contract, despite the six-hundred-thousand dollar fee (p.131), and by Night Watch he was off the register entirely, preventing any one from taking out a contract on him, an order so powerful that only Lord Vetinari has ever been "struck off" before (though this was largely for political reasons - namely that Vetinari was infinitely preferable to both most of the other Patricians in recent history and any likely alternatives). Vimes has petitioned for the decision to be overturned.
Havelock Vetinari
Lord Vetinari appears as a student assassin in Night Watch but is apparently no longer practising. Also, no-one remembers what weapon he learned. He is the current Patrician of Ankh-Morpork and the Diary lists him as 'ProvostProvost (education)
A provost is the senior academic administrator at many institutions of higher education in the United States, Canada and Australia, the equivalent of a pro-vice-chancellor at some institutions in the United Kingdom and Ireland....
of Assassins', presumably an honorary position.
Dr Cruces
Head of the Assassins' Guild in Men at Arms. He is elitist and looks down on the Watch as members of a lower social stratum. However, he is usually honourable by his own standards, until d'Eath comes to him with a wild story about the Heir to the Throne, a bag full of evidence, and the stolen "gonne". Upon picking up the weapon, he becomes drunk with power, enjoying the god-like feeling of having the power of life and death over whoever he sees. He takes over Edward's plan, trying to kill several Guild leaders, and attempts to assassinate the Patrician at Vimes's wedding. He is hunted down and relieved of his gonne by Vimes. He reveals the truth of Carrot's ancestry, and Carrot executes him for treason. His death is an example of Vimes's theory about how anyone who has a weapon being held on them better hope the person holding it is evil, because evil men like Cruces will enjoy the power they have over the victim and wait, while good men such as Carrot will strike quickly without any meaningless delays.Lord Downey
Allegedly, Lord Downey's preferred method of inhumation is poisoning, though no deaths have yet been attributed to him. Pratchett suggests this is probably due to the fact that he is very good at his job. His special recipe for humbug
Humbug (sweet)
Humbugs are a traditional hard boiled sweet available in the United Kingdom, Ireland, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. They are usually flavoured with peppermint and striped in two different colours . They have a hard outside and a soft toffee centre...
s, submitted to Nanny Ogg
Nanny Ogg
Gytha Ogg is a character from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. She is a witch and member of the Lancre coven.- Personality :The character of Nanny Ogg is based on the Mother stereotype of the Triple Goddess myth...
, calls for "arsenic to taste", though, since arsenic is actually very traceable, this is likely a slight bit of misinformation on his part. One current tradition he maintains is inviting certain students to his office for sherry and an almond slice. Given the nature of most Assassins' Guild traditions, this could be seen as a kind of impromptu "pass or fail" examination (see bitter almonds for the reason why).
Lord Downey first appears in Men at Arms
Men at Arms
Men at Arms is the 15th Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett first published in 1993. It is the second novel about the Ankh-Morpork City Watch on the Discworld. Lance-constable Angua von Überwald, later in the series promoted to the rank of Sergeant, is introduced in this book...
, makes his first appearance as Guildmaster in Feet of Clay, and appears again in Hogfather
Hogfather
Hogfather is the 20th Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett, and a 1997 British Fantasy Award nominee.The Hogfather is also a character in the book, representing something akin to Father Christmas. He grants children's wishes on Hogswatchnight and brings them presents...
. He also appears in Night Watch as a student bully. In the Sky One
Sky One
Sky1 is the flagship BSkyB entertainment channel available in the United Kingdom and Ireland.The channel first launched on 26 April 1982 as Satellite Television, and is the fourth-oldest TV channel in the United Kingdom, behind BBC One , ITV and BBC Two...
adaptation of Hogfather Downey was played by David Warner
David Warner (actor)
David Warner is an English actor who is known for playing both romantic leads and sinister or villainous characters, both in film and animation...
.
71-Hour Ahmed
A Klatchian warrior who accompanies the Klatchian envoy Prince Khufurah on a diplomatic journey to Ankh-Morpork in the novel JingoJingo (novel)
Jingo is the 21st novel by Terry Pratchett, one of his Discworld series. It was published in 1997. The rising of a previously submerged island and the subconstituent sovereignty dispute were inspired by the real-life island of Ferdinandea.-Plot:...
. He speaks with a heavy accent and has a penchant for chewing on cloves. Following an attempt on the prince's life by an unknown assassin, he is suspected of killing the Watch's prime suspect, provoking Vimes and other Watch members to pursue him back to Klatch (Particularly after he captures Angua in werewolf form).
Apart from belonging to a vicious but honorable warrior clan known as the D'regs, he is later revealed to be the Alwi of Klatch, a Klatchian equivalent of a watchman on a par with Vimes. It also turns out his obsessive clove-chewing and broken Morporkian are in fact a disguise meant to delude foreigners into falsely assuming he is nothing but an uncivilized barbarian. Like many privileged foreigners, he was sent to the Assassins' Guild as a child on the assumption that he would get an excellent education. He confounds Vimes by his fond memories of Ankh-Morpork, and even Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler. He and Vimes eventually develop a wary respect for each other, mostly based on both of them being basically-honest cops in unenviable positions.
He got his nickname after killing a man (guilty of poisoning a well, and killing a number of villagers and very valuable camels) one hour before the traditional D'reg three days of hospitality, during which even your greatest enemy should be shown respect, would have run out.
Edward d'Eath
One of the major villains in Men at Arms, he is an impoverished aristocrat whose ancestors lost all their money through drinking, gambling, and, in the words of Gaspode "chasing anything in a dress... his dress." A hopeless romantic, he dreams of restoring the Ankh-Morpork monarchyMonarchy
A monarchy is a form of government in which the office of head of state is usually held until death or abdication and is often hereditary and includes a royal house. In some cases, the monarch is elected...
; when he discovers that Carrot Ironfoundersson is a descendant of the Ankh-Morpork royal line, he conspires to give him the throne. When he obtains Leonard of Quirm's "gonne" (the Discworld's first gunpowder-fired weapon), he becomes progressively more insane, accidentally killing a clown. After an "accident" in which a dwarf artifacer is killed by the jealous gonne, who fears he will make more, a frightened d'Eath takes his evidence to Dr. Cruces, who listens quite kindly until he touches the gonne and kills young Edward.
Mr Teatime
Mr Jonathan Teatime appears in Hogfather. He insists that his last name be pronounced "Te-ah-tim-eh."He was taken into the Guild as a child because the administration took pity on him after he lost his parents at a young age. It is never specified what happened to young Jonathan's parents; it is, however, implied that what happened to them was Jonathan.
He is boyishly handsome, with curly hair and a ready smile, but these features are ruined by his eyes. One is grey glass (black in the film adaptation) and the other is off-white, with a tiny, pinhole-sized pupil. He is, undoubtedly, a genius
Genius
Genius is something or someone embodying exceptional intellectual ability, creativity, or originality, typically to a degree that is associated with the achievement of unprecedented insight....
, but also sociopathic
Psychopathy
Psychopathy is a mental disorder characterized primarily by a lack of empathy and remorse, shallow emotions, egocentricity, and deceptiveness. Psychopaths are highly prone to antisocial behavior and abusive treatment of others, and are very disproportionately responsible for violent crime...
to an astonishing degree. His mind has been compared at times to both a corkscrew and a shattered mirror (i.e. something brilliant, sharp, and dazzling, but also fundamentally and irrevocably twisted/broken). His main problem seems to be that he 'sees things differently from other people, in that he sees other people as things'. This gets him into a spot of trouble early on, as his assassinations often include the brutal murders of not just the target, but also their family, their servants, and very often their pets, all of which are direct violations of Guild protocol. Senior assassins regarded him as a young man to watch, preferably from a distance.
However, when the Auditors of Reality
Auditors of Reality
The Auditors of Reality are fictional godlike beings in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series of fantasy novels. They are one of the major recurring villains in the series, although they lack the necessary imagination to be truly evil....
need someone to assassinate the Hogfather (the Discworld equivalent to Father Christmas
Father Christmas
Father Christmas is the name used in many English-speaking countries for a figure associated with Christmas. A similar figure with the same name exists in several other countries, including France , Spain , Brazil , Portugal , Italy , Armenia , India...
or Santa Claus
Santa Claus
Santa Claus is a folklore figure in various cultures who distributes gifts to children, normally on Christmas Eve. Each name is a variation of Saint Nicholas, but refers to Santa Claus...
), Mr Teatime is just the man for the job. When questioned, he reveals to his superior, Lord Downey, that he often used to lie awake in bed at night and think of ways to kill not only the Hogfather, but also the Tooth Fairy
Tooth fairy
The tooth fairy is a fantasy figure of early childhood. The folklore states that when a child loses a baby tooth, if he or she places it beneath the bed pillow, the tooth fairy will visit while the child sleeps, replacing the lost tooth with a small payment....
and the Soul Cake Tuesday Duck (Discworld's version of the Easter Bunny
Easter Bunny
The Easter Bunny or Easter Rabbit is a character depicted as a rabbit bringing Easter eggs, who sometimes is depicted with clothes...
), among others (including Death
Death (Discworld)
Death is a fictional character in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series and a parody of several other personifications of death. Like most Grim Reapers, he is a black-robed skeleton usually carrying a scythe...
). He commissions the help of a cadre of lowlifes, ranging from big Banjo Lilywhite to the locksmith Mr Brown, and sets about putting his ingenious plan into action, which inevitably pits him against Susan Sto Helit
Susan Sto Helit
Susan Sto Helit , once referred to as Susan Death, is a fictional character in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series of fantasy novels. She is the "granddaughter" of Death, the Disc's Grim Reaper, and, as such, has "inherited" a number of his abilities...
and her grandfather, Death.
Most of the time, Mr Teatime seems a pleasant, albeit odd young man. He only seems to get irritated when people mispronounce his name. However, he possesses physical abilities which defy physics
Physics
Physics is a natural science that involves the study of matter and its motion through spacetime, along with related concepts such as energy and force. More broadly, it is the general analysis of nature, conducted in order to understand how the universe behaves.Physics is one of the oldest academic...
, and has been known to perform feats such as stabbing through all layers of clothing but stopping before hitting flesh, doing the same thing but with eyelids instead of clothing and eyes instead of flesh, flipping on thin air, and killing so fast he appears to be a blur, all of which he will do without any notice or provocation. Rumours among his associates (somewhat confirmed in the GURPS Discworld
GURPS Discworld
GURPS Discworld and the related supplements are role-playing game sourcebooks set in Terry Pratchett's Discworld fantasy universe using the GURPS role-playing game system.-History:...
RPG sourcebook co-written by Pratchett) imply that the glass eye is in fact a scrying crystal, which might go some way towards explaining his abilities but also means that he implanted notoriously erratic Discworld magic into his own eye-socket.
He is always cheerful, sometimes in positions when he shouldn't have been. He has a certain, and in some places 'scary' way of speaking; The content didn't match the tone.
The Assassins' Guild lists him as having vanished without trace since the events in Hogfather, though they have named a "Teatime Prize" in his honour, which is given annually to the student who devises the most creative, but technically accurate, hypothetical inhumation, preferably complete with maps and a proposed route that avoids or disables any guards.
In the Sky One adaptation of Hogfather, Mr Teatime is played by Marc Warren
Marc Warren
Marc Warren is an English actor, known for his British television roles as Danny Blue in Hustle, Dougie Raymond in The Vice and Dominic Foy in State of Play.-Career:...
. Warren plays Teatime with an American, and more specifically, a New England accent, partly based on Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp
John Christopher "Johnny" Depp II is an American actor, producer and musician. He has won the Golden Globe Award and Screen Actors Guild award for Best Actor. Depp rose to prominence on the 1980s television series 21 Jump Street, becoming a teen idol...
's version of Willy Wonka
Willy Wonka
This article is about the fictional character. For the candy company, see, The Willy Wonka Candy Company.Willy Wonka is a fictional character in the 1964 Roald Dahl novel Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the film adaptations that followed. The book and the 1971 film adaption both vividly...
(another unpredictable and "childlike" character).
Other noted assassins
- Lady T'Malia: Teaches Political Expediency in PyramidsPyramids (Discworld)Pyramids is the BSFA winning seventh Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett, published in 1989.-Plot summary:The main character of Pyramids is Teppic, prince of the tiny kingdom of Djelibeybi. Djelibeybi is the Discworld counterpart to Ancient Egypt....
. A very beautiful woman (though it is the kind of beauty only achieved by a team of skilled artists, manicurists, plasterers, corsetiers and dressmakers and three hours' solid work every morning), who wears enough hollow jewellery to poison small towns. - Miss Alice Band: First mentioned in the Assassins' Guild diary, where she is listed as teaching Traps, Locks and Climbing, and is also a "stealth archeologist" (the Paul Kidby illustration resembles Lara CroftLara CroftLara Croft is a fictional character and the protagonist of the Square Enix video game series Tomb Raider. She is presented as a beautiful, intelligent, and athletic British archaeologist-adventurer who ventures into ancient, hazardous tombs and ruins around the world...
). In Night Watch she sent Jocasta Wiggs on a very humbling training mission to target (catch sight of, NOT attack) Sam Vimes after deciding Wiggs was overconfident. - Zlorf Flannelfoot: Head of the Guild in The Colour of MagicThe Colour of MagicThe Colour of Magic is a 1983 comic fantasy novel by Terry Pratchett, and is the first book of the Discworld series. Pratchett has described it as "an attempt to do for the classical fantasy universe what Blazing Saddles did for Westerns."...
. - Dr Follett: Former head of the Guild. Appears in Night Watch. A keen political mind, under a very odd hairstyle, and part of the conspiracy against the then Patrician Lord Winder. Based on Ken FollettKen FollettKen Follett is a Welsh author of thrillers and historical novels. He has sold more than 100 million copies of his works. Four of his books have reached the number 1 ranking on the New York Times best-seller list: The Key to Rebecca, Lie Down with Lions, Triple, and World Without End.-Early...
. - Mericet: Appears in PyramidsPyramids (Discworld)Pyramids is the BSFA winning seventh Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett, published in 1989.-Plot summary:The main character of Pyramids is Teppic, prince of the tiny kingdom of Djelibeybi. Djelibeybi is the Discworld counterpart to Ancient Egypt....
as teacher for Strategy and Poison Theory, and Teppic's proctorProctorProctor, a variant of the word procurator, is a person who takes charge of, or acts for, another. The word proctor is frequently used to describe someone who oversees an exam or dormitory.The title is used in England in three principal senses:...
for the final exam. He is said to have killed a former Patrician of Ankh-Morpork and to be the toughest proctor of Guild final exams. - Lord Robert Selachii: Appears in Soul MusicSoul MusicSoul Music is the sixteenth Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett, first published in 1994. Like many of Pratchett's novels it introduces an element of modern society into the magical and vaguely late medieval, early modern world of the Discworld, in this case Rock and Roll music and stardom, with...
. - Prince Pteppicymon (Teppic): Appears in Pyramids.
- Jocasta Wiggs: Appears (although in circumstances which probably made her wish she hadn't) in Night Watch; one of the Guild's few female pupils. She is also the one who makes Samuel Vimes aware of the fact that the Guild is no longer accepting contracts on his life.
- Inigo Skimmer: Appears in The Fifth ElephantThe Fifth ElephantThe Fifth Elephant is the 24th Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett. It introduces the clacks, a long-distance semaphore system. The novel was nominated for the Locus Award in 2000.-Plot summary:...
. Scholarship boy, one of the few Assassins who is not a Gentleman, but merely a very good craftsman, that is to say, a killer who feels no emotion in the execution of his duty save "craftsman's pride in a job well done". Used weaponry normally forbidden under Guild law, but only when outside the city boundaries. He was killed in the book by a werewolf, presumed to be Angua's brother, or at least one of his lackeys. - Miguel Portijo: Lord Robert Selachii's apprentice in the animated version of Soul Music (unnamed in the book), As the name suggests, he is drawn to resemble the UK politician Michael PortilloMichael PortilloMichael Denzil Xavier Portillo is a British journalist, broadcaster, and former Conservative Party politician and Cabinet Minister...
. - Remora Selachii: Presumably a relative of Lord Robert. Appears in the Discworld NoirDiscworld NoirDiscworld Noir is a computer game based on Terry Pratchett's Discworld comic fantasy novels, and unlike the previous Discworld games is both an example and parody of the noir genre. The game was developed by Perfect Entertainment and published by GT Interactive. It was originally released in 1999...
game. - Mr Nivor: Teaches Traps in PyramidsPyramids (Discworld)Pyramids is the BSFA winning seventh Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett, published in 1989.-Plot summary:The main character of Pyramids is Teppic, prince of the tiny kingdom of Djelibeybi. Djelibeybi is the Discworld counterpart to Ancient Egypt....
. - Kompt de Yoyo: Teaches Modern languages and Music in PyramidsPyramids (Discworld)Pyramids is the BSFA winning seventh Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett, published in 1989.-Plot summary:The main character of Pyramids is Teppic, prince of the tiny kingdom of Djelibeybi. Djelibeybi is the Discworld counterpart to Ancient Egypt....
. - Honorable Eustace Bassingly-Gore: Mentioned in The Fifth ElephantThe Fifth ElephantThe Fifth Elephant is the 24th Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett. It introduces the clacks, a long-distance semaphore system. The novel was nominated for the Locus Award in 2000.-Plot summary:...
. Tried to inhume Sam Vimes by means of poisoned shaving cream. Was sent by Vimes on a ship to Ghat via Cape Terror. - Sir Richard Liddeleley: Mentioned in The Fifth ElephantThe Fifth ElephantThe Fifth Elephant is the 24th Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett. It introduces the clacks, a long-distance semaphore system. The novel was nominated for the Locus Award in 2000.-Plot summary:...
. Was found "tied to a fountain in Sator Square, painted pink and with a flag stuck—" after making an attempt to inhume Sam Vimes. Vimes did this on account of "feeling generous".
Noted Inhumations
| Inhumer | Client | Method |
|---|---|---|
| Lady Prill | Moon King of Brindisi | Poisoned Horsehair Sofa |
| Guillaume Dire | Olerve The Bastard (King of Sto Lat) | Crossbow |
| Hon. Stanley Crabshaw | Quirm Road bandits | Teaspoon |
| Sir Guy de Taupinier | King Guillaume le Rouge | Dead Mole |
| Dr de Colleuse | Emperor of Brindisi | Roll of Wallpaper |
| Grand Vizier of El Salu | Emir of El Kaound | Frozen Mackrel |
| Lord Robert Selachii, Mr Sendivoge and others | Patricio, Despot of Quirm | unspecified |
| Mr W.W. Robertson | Duke of Sto Kerrig | Drowned in a Butt of Best Brandy |
| Mr Trefor Frame | Mr Edwin Cardly | Exploding Privy |
| H.K. Smarter | Kang, Lord of Agatea | Jigsaw Puzzle |
| J.C.R. Wiggs, P.M.T. Wiggs, S.T.D. Wiggs, B.S.E. Wiggs, Jocasta Wiggs (latest) |
Count Dragoul von Salic of Uberwald (vampire) | unspecified |
| unspecified | Nersh the Lunatic | unspecified |
| unspecified | Giggling Lord Smince | unspecified |
| Havelock Vetinari Havelock Vetinari Havelock Vetinari, Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, is the fictional ruler of the city state of Ankh-Morpork in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, a series of over thirty books describing a parallel universe whose main world has reflections of - even more or less subtle jokes about - our... |
Homicidal Lord Winder | Fear |
Open commissions
| Name | Amount | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| The Hogfather | AM$3,000,000 | Has expired (original contract called for the inhumation to occur within 3 days) Not paid in money as such (blank gold discs Planchet A planchet is a round metal disk that is ready to be struck as a coin. An older word for planchet is flan. They are also referred to as blanks.-History:The preparation of the flan or planchet has varied over the years... ) |
| Lord Vetinari Havelock Vetinari Havelock Vetinari, Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, is the fictional ruler of the city state of Ankh-Morpork in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, a series of over thirty books describing a parallel universe whose main world has reflections of - even more or less subtle jokes about - our... |
AM$1,000,000 | Officially unlisted |
| Rincewind Rincewind Rincewind is a fictional character appearing in several of the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett. He is a failed student at the Unseen University for wizards in Ankh-Morpork, and is often described by scholars as "the magical equivalent to the number zero". He spends just about all of his time... |
AM$950,000 | |
| Samuel Vimes | AM$940,000 and rising | Officially unlistedVimes was still listed during the events of The Fifth Elephant The Fifth Elephant The Fifth Elephant is the 24th Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett. It introduces the clacks, a long-distance semaphore system. The novel was nominated for the Locus Award in 2000.-Plot summary:... but it was revealed that no one would take the job when it was offered shortly before the events of this book. |
| Moist von Lipwig Moist von Lipwig Moist von Lipwig is a fictional character from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. He is the protagonist of the novels Going Postal and Making Money.-Background and execution:Little is known about Moist von Lipwig's past... |
AM$100,000 | Only to be fulfilled if Moist failed in the duty left to him by Mrs Lavish |
| Duck Man | AM$132,000 | |
| Nobby Nobbs | AM$4.31 | Believed to be a joke by some of the Watch |
| Foul Ole Ron | One groat | |
| Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler | Tuppence | Price given by one Assassin (Lord Robert Selachii) to another (his apprentice) whilst pursuing Dibbler's associates, the Band With Rocks In, in Soul Music (see below). The response given was "It's certainly tempting--" |
| (Imp y Celyn, Glod | Never disclosed | Mentioned in Soul Music. Contract was taken out by the Musicians' Guild but no price referred to. The Assassins' Guild decided to no longer entertain the contract, and refunded the fee. |
- "Officially unlisted" means that, while the Guild has priced these people as "clients", it now refuses to accept contracts on them, on the grounds that their deaths would destabilise the city, endangering the Guild itself, which is obviously against the interests of the Guild. In the case of Vimes this is the official excuse with the truth being that the guild is fed up with its members returning from attempts beaten up, sent to foreign lands, burnt by dragons or just dead.
See also
- Guilds of Ankh-MorporkGuilds of Ankh-MorporkIn Terry Pratchett's Discworld series of fantasy novels, there are almost 300 Guilds in the city of Ankh-Morpork. Nanny Ogg's Cookbook, The Thieves' Guild Diary and the Death's Domain map all quote Guild publications. Guilds known include:...
- Ankh-Morpork Thieves' Guild
- Ankh-Morpork Beggars' Guild
- Fools' Guild (Discworld)