Ant and Dec

Announcer: The ITV news at 10 with Ant and Dec.

Ant: ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.

Dec: Bongo-roony!

Ant: Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?

[Dec slaps Ant on the head]

Dec: Slapa-rooney!

Ant: And former news caster evicted by phone vote.

[cuts to Trevor McDonald, who is in a filthy alleyway]

Trevor McDonald: News just in: I am hungry and homeless.

Dec: Tramper-rooney!

Ant: And now, the weather.

Dec: And now, the weather.

[cuts to Siân Lloyd in front of a map of the British Isles]

Siân Lloyd: Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales.

Osama Bin Laden

[Bin Laden and his henchmen are in their cave]

Bin Laden: At last we have nuclear bomb!

[an old bomb drops into view; it has cracks, is leaking and has been stuck together using sticky tape]

Bin Laden: Good work Binny Me!

[Bin Laden turns round to see a smaller version of himself, both of which are doing the Dr. Evil pinky gesture. He turns back to his henchmen]

Bin Laden: Initiate LAUNCH SEQUENCE!

[The henchmen drag the bomb and drop it into a big envelope, which is addressed to: Infidel Bush, White House, USA]

Bin Laden: FIRE!!!

[one of the henchmen attaches a pigeon to the letter. The bird attempts to take off but cannot lift the mail]

Bin Laden: I thought we had 2 birds?

[Jalal burps and feathers come out of his mouth. He cringes]

Jalal: Sorry.

Bin Laden: Well, it's nice that Jalal tabled his concerns about the war...

[the camera follows Bin Laden to his stone table. Jalal's head is on the table, with 2 other henchmen cowering behind the table]

Bin Laden: Anyone else have any wobbles?

Henchmen: No, Sir.

Bin Laden: Good.

[after an accidental explosion]

Bin Laden: Jalal! Get your arse over here.

Jalal: Why?

Bin Laden: Because that's where your legs are.

Tony Blair

Tony Blair: We have conclusive proof that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and here it is...

[Blair holds up a piece of paper]

Tony Blair: We kept the invoice... and if he doesn't pay up soon, he isn't getting any more!

BBC Reporter: The Press are ready, Prime Minister.

Blair: How'd you want me for this one?

BBC Reporter: Well, the conference is about your weekend...

(office turns into countryside. Blair puts on a casual shirt)

Blair: Ah, it's the weekend, and I'm relaxed. Downtime. Cup of tea. Jeans, with a crease, because I'm an ordinary guy.

BBC Reporter: The weekend with your family.

Blair: Ah, Family! [clicks fingers. Cherie, Euan and Leo appear] Adoring wife, growing brood, baby in arms, family man. Just like you.

BBC Reporter: Your weekend in Europe.

Blair: Ah, Europe! [Cherie and the kids disappear and the room turns back into the office] Controversial issue, let's talk it out. Jacket off, sleeves rolled up, sweaty armpits, as long as it takes. No bullshit.

BBC Reporter: The weekend which had to be posponed because of the war on terrorism.

Blair: [office turns into the front of 10 Downing Street. Jack Straw appears at Blair's side] War. Sober suit. Furrow brow. No smile this time. Statesman-like. Not like you.

BBC Reporter: And the tragic loss of life.

Blair: [black curtain descends] Ah, loss of life. Black tie. Voice cracks with... emotion. Manly tear in eye, men cry too. One of you again.

BBC Reporter: Which, since the weekend--

Blair: Ah, weekend! Downtime, tea, Jeans! [scenery rapidly flickers]

BBC Reporter: Mr. Blair, just be yourself!

Blair: [scenery stops half way through shift] Myself? Um, just... remind me?

George Bush

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House]

General: I think that should give you some idea of how delicate the balance of power is in the middle east.

George Bush: I see, General.

General: You didn't understand a word of that did you, Mr. President?

George Bush: No I did not.

General: Okay, do you want me to get Professor Leibstrom to explain it?

George Bush: I think that might help.

[the General goes underneath the table and, after a brief struggle, a sock puppet appears at the edge of Bush's desk]

General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello again, Mr. President. It's Me, Professoer Leibstrom.

George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom! Ha Ha!

[camera pulls out to reveal the General, crouching under the desk while operating the sock puppet]

George Bush: Quick General! You're missing the Professor!

General: Oh Jesus.

General: I think Professor Leibstrom had better explain this. (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!

Bush: Oh, I get it. The General leaves and then you come in. Don't think I know what's going on, because I do!

General: (as Professor Leibstrom) You do?

Bush: You two had a fight!

General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Uh... yeah, that's right.

Bush: Oh, Professor Leibstrom, you shouldn't fight with the General. Fighting never solves anything!

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is staring at a painting of himself]

George Bush: General, this mirror isn't working.

General: Sir, that's a painting.

George Bush: But it--

General: No time to explain, Sir. I have an urgent call for you on the satellite video link. It's, uh... Saddam Hussein.

[TV drops down from roof. The screen shows Saddam Hussein in his office]

Saddam Hussein: Ah, Mr. Bush. So you want to bomb old Saddam, eh? Fair enough. But would you want to bomb... Tiddles?

[a kitten jumps onto Saddam's desk. Bush and the General gasp]

Saddam Hussein: Or Fluffy? or Tufty?! Yes, gentlemen, from now on myself and all military targets will be protected by a kitten shield. [stroaking kittens] Won't they? Yes they will! Yes they will! End Transmission.

George Bush: Can I have one, General? I gotta have one of those cute furry things!

General: If you insist, sir.

[General gives Bush a fake, Saddam-style mustache]

George Bush: Yeah! [turns to painting] Awww, but I don't look no different.

General: Oh, Hairy Moses!

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is playing with army soldiers and tanks]

General: Good news, Sir. Iraq seems to be co-operating fully with UN inspectors. Looks like an all-out conflict can be avoided.

George Bush: AW NUTS!!!

General: Sir?

George Bush: [having a tantrum] I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! All the other presidents have had wars!

[Starts throwing his toys at the General]

General: But Sir, you just had a war, and you didn't even finish that one!

George Bush: Well I'm gonna hold my breath until you let me have another one.

[Bush holds his breath. His face starts turning blue]

General: Oh, now sir! Oh, I think I'd better fetch Professor Leibstrom.

[General goes underneath the table and brandishes the sock puppet]

General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!

George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom!

General: (as Professer Leibstrom) I know! Instead of having a war, why don't we have an ice cream?

George Bush: Yeah, an ice cream! With Chocolate sauce!

General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Oh Yeah.

George Bush: And a war!

General: NO! (as Professor Leibstrom) Sir, nobody else wants a war... except perhaps Britain.

George Bush: Let's have a war with Britain then!

General: Oh, Hairy Moses!

[Bush and General are in the Oval Office in the White House]

General: Sir, I must protest in the strongest possible terms!

George Bush: General, I'm the president of the United States of America. When I say jump, you jump.

General: Hairy Moses.

[General starts to jump up and down]

General: Mr President, why the jimny do we have to have a bouncy Whitehouse?

George Bush: Because all the terrorists bombs will just bounce right off of it.

General: (sarcastically) Oh, silly me!

George Bush: Look at this! (Bush starts to jump up and down) I can do a star, Egypshine, Bruce Forsite!

General: Bruce Forsyth!

George Bush: Okay, I'm bored now. Let's play darts!

General: NO!!!

[a popping sound is heard and the bouncy Whitehouse starts to deflate. The camera fades and the viewer rejoins after the bouncy Whitehouse has been fully deflated]

George Bush: General, I never thought I'd say this... blow up the Whitehouse! (sobs)

General: Ugh! (starts to inflate the Whitehouse using his breath)

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House, where Christmas decorations have been put out. Bush is holding a present wrapped in wrapping paper; the present is in the shape of a puppy]

George Bush: Oh, come on General! What is it?

[dog in wrapping paper barks]

George Bush: It's a book, ain't it?

General: Now no opening util tomorrow, sir.

George Bush: I promise.

General: [the General walks off screen]

George Bush: I love Christmas!

[alarms go off]

George Bush: General! The flashing warning thing's gone off! General? General?!

Computer: WARNING: potential hostile inbound. Request action.

George Bush: Okay George, don't panic. Now what is it dad used to say?

[George Bush Senior appears in a thought bubble]

George Bush Senior: Son, don't ever, ever, EVER... press the red button.

George Bush: Something about pressing the red button.

[Bush presses the red button and the camera cuts to a shot of the moon, where a sleigh passes infront of it. The sleigh is shot down by defences. the General appears]

General: Sir, what in god's name is... can you smell roast venison?

[The sleigh crashes into the room. Bush inspects the wreckage and puts on some disembodied antlers]

George Bush: Look General, I'm a lion! Moo, moo!

General: That's uncanny, sir.

Bill Gates

Bill Gates: Well guys, welcome to the most high-tech home in the world: House 2001.

Son: But I just got used to our old place, House 2000.

Bill Gates: That thing's completely obsolete. Check out these new features!

Wife: It looks exactly like the old one.

Bill Gates: Not at all. It's a lot more expensive (sniggers)

[Gate's family laugh in the same fashion]

Bill Gates: And get a load of this multi-phonic cyber cinema.

[Gates clicks on the control panel and a huge screen appears in the room. The screen crashes halfway through deployment]

Daughter: Why's it done that?

Bill Gates: Try double clicking it.

Wife: It seems to have frozen.

Bill Gates: It's fine. We... probably just need go out and come back in again.

[the family step outside the house and close the door. After a brief moment they all come back in again to find that everything has vanished]

Son: Where's it all gone?

Bill Gates: Um, it should be here, er...

Wife: Did you remember to save it?

Bill Gates: I thought I did. Er... don't panic!

Wife: Try escape.

Son: No, Control-Alt!

Daughter: Let me have a go!

Bill Gates: Get off!

Wife: Don't you press that!

Bill Gates: LET ME JUST TRY SOMETHING!!!

[Gates hits the control panel and a Windows like text box appears in front of them]

Son: It says the house has performed an illegal operation and will...

[the house disappears and the family are in the desert, where their house used to be]

Bill Gates: Don't worry guys, I'm already working on House 2001.1!

Michael Jackson

Voice Over: Michael Jackon's parenting tips #43.

Michael Jackson: It's important to encourage your children to take their first steps.

[cuts to a scene with Jackson hanging over a balcony, reaching out for something]

Michael Jackson: Come to Daddy, Prince Michael the Second.

[camera pans out to see a baby balancing on a washing line]

Michael Jackson: I don't see any moonwalking.

[Baby starts to moonwalk towards Jackson]

Michael Jackson: That's my boy, and I've got the receipt to prove it!

Anne Robinson

Anne Robinson: It's time to vote off... the Weakest Link.

[all four contestants vote for Anne Robinson]

Anne Robinson: Peter, Why Anne?

Peter: Your air of superiority is totally phony and you always cut people off ----

Anne Robinson: Sue, why Anne?

Sue: Well, you're not scary, and you mis-pronouce everything.

Anne Robinson: Joremy, why Anne?

Jeremy: You got the IQ of a squirrel.

Mike: And the looks.

Anne Robinson: I am the Weakest Link, goodbye.

Michael Schumacher

Baby Schumacher: It's time for my bed time story, Daddy.

Michael Schumacher: Okay then...Once there was a tortoise...errmm...Let's call him Coulthard...and a rabbit called Schumacher...and one day they decided to have a race...the rabbit was very confident that he could win and did. The end.

Baby Schumacher: But doesn't the tortoise win sometimes?

Michael Schumacher: No he doesn't! The rabbit wins over and over again and that is what makes motor racing so interesting!

Seaman, David

[Seaman is in the supermarket, browsing for shampoo]

David Seaman: Let's see here: Greasy hair? Normal hair? Stupid Hair? Ah, F**king Stupid Hair!

[Seaman puts the shampoo in his shopping trolly]

David Seaman: That's the one!