Directed by Peter Segal and written by George Wing.

Ula

• [to his children] You kids suck; you're good at everything!

• My shirt size is medium husky.

• Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts.

• Your golf ball hit the cart, bounced back and hit you in the head. It was freakin' hilarious.

• [after getting beat up with a bat by Lucy] Oh, you crazy bitch!

• Aquariums make me super horny.

• Get your brother out of the dishwasher!

Lucy Whitmore

• Can I have one last first kiss?

• [repeated line] There's nothing like a first kiss..

• [watching Ula run off after she beats him with a bat] Yeah, KEEP RUNNING!!!!

Henry Roth

• Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?

• I have no life.

• Sorry I'm not better looking.

• Shit your pants? So did I.

• Hey, Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that.

Ten-Second Tom

• [repeated line] Hi, I'm Tom!

• Aren't you a little old to be having wet dreams... Hi, I'm Tom!

Old Hawaiian Man

• Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.
• (about Henry's drawing on a napkin) Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with.

Others

• Alexa: [After an aborted one-night stand with a woman] I guess I prefer sausage to taco.

Dialogue

Dr. Keats: Doug, once again, off the juice.

Doug: It'th not juithe. It'th a protein thake.

Security Guard 1: Hey Lucy, good to see you again!

[Lucy walks by quietly]

Security Guard 1: What the heck's her problem?

Security Guard 2: She doesn't remember who you are, bro.

Security Guard 1: Oh yeah. I suck at this job!

Lucy: [to Henry] I hardly know you.

Marlin: Actually sweetie, you're kind of dating him.

[Lucy looks at Henry]

Henry: Yeah. Sorry I'm not better looking.

Doug: Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.

Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.

Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?

Henry: Um, I guess.

Marlin: Doug!

Kid: What's wrong with that turtle?

Henry: He has lung problems because he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right, Ula?

Ula: What? I don't smoke weed!

[While playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]

Ula: You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?

Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.

Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.

Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?

Ula: A shark bit me.

Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!

Old Hawaiian Man: That was pathetic.

Henry: Yeah? Why don't you choke on your spam!

Nick: What did Sue say?

Henry: She said that if I talk to Lucy you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.

Dr. Keats: Was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?

Doug: Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that!

Dr. Keats: Note the intense overreaction. That's the 'roids talking. Douglas, once again, off the juice.

Doug: It'th not juice! It'th a protein shake!

[Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]

Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.

Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?

Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country. [pause] Were you gonna eat that?

[Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car, upsetting Lucy]

Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!

Lucy: My grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...

Henry: Oh...I'm so sorry...I was just joking around.

Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT! HA HA!

Update Video: Red Sox win series!... Just kidding.

Update Video: Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!... Not kidding.

Dr. Keats: Tom was in a hunting accident and he lost part of his brain. His memory lasts only ten seconds.

Ten Second Tom: I was in an accident? That's terrible.

Dr. Keats: Don't worry, you'll totally get over it in about three seconds.

Ten Second Tom: What do you mean, get over it? Was I shot in the brain or--hi, I'm Tom!

Henry: [begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] I don't want it to end like this.

Doug: Yeah, well, it's gonna end like this!

[Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]

Henry: Calm down, little fella!

Doug: Okay I'm calm!

[pause]

Doug: I coulda whooped his butt, Daddy but this gravel - I swipped on it and fwell.

Marlin: Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.

Doug: Cheap shot, Dad.

Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa.

Linda: Linda.

Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.

Nick: Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups!

Henry: Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-In-One-Punch!

Lucy: Wonder what's the matter with him.

Old Hawaiian Man: Looks like a stupid asshole to me.

Kid: Daddy, what's a nympho?

Ula: Uh, the nympho is the state bird of Ohio

Kids Ohhh.

Henry (to Ula): You're the state idiot of Hawaii

Cast

• Adam Sandler - Henry Roth
• Drew Barrymore - Lucy Whitmore
• Rob Schneider - Ula
• Sean Astin - Doug Whitmore
• Lusia Strus - Alexa
• Dan Aykroyd - Dr. Keats
• Amy Hill - Sue
• Allen Covert - Ten Second Tom
• Blake Clark - Marlin Whitmore
• Maya Rudolph - Stacy
• Pomaika'i Brown - Nick
• Joe Nakashima - Old Hawaiian Man