Addams Family Values Quotations

Addams Family Values is a 1993 sequel to the 1991 comedy The Addams Family.

Directed by Barry Sonnenfeldcast. Written by Paul Rudnick.

Dialogue

[Morticia lies on a gurney, enduring intense labour pains. Gomez hovers over her anxiously.]

Gomez: Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? Is it torture?

Morticia: [coquettishly] Oui.

Little girl in the Hospital Waiting Room: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork and the stork flew down from heaven and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch and the diamond turned in to a baby.

Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too

Wednesday: They had sex.

(With the first nanny)

Heather: Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.

Wednesday: Prevent them? [lights a match]

(Second nanny)

Mrs. Montgomery: All right, children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question- where is that baby?

Wednesday: Which part?

(Third nanny)

Polly: [holding up a puppet] Hello, kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet! What shall we do today? I know- let's all clean our rooms!

Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello, Polly. I'll clean my room...in exchange for your immortal soul.

Debbie: [meeting Gomez] Isn't he a lady killer!

Gomez: Acquitted.

Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?

Gomez: It's an old Indian word.

Wednesday: It means orphan.

Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.

Ellen Buckman: Boys?

Wednesday: Homicide.

[Debbie and Fester stroll through a graveyard in the moonlight.]

Debbie: [seductively posing on a tombstone] Fester, before we go any further, I have a confession. I'm a virgin.

Fester: You are?

Debbie: Yes.

Fester: [pause] What's that?

Debbie: It's someone who's never...experienced...physical love.

Fester: Ohhhhh, you mean with another person!

Gomez: And now - the pièce de la résistance! [Lurch drags in an enormous, grayish cake; wheels creak] Ta-dah! [louder, after a pause] TA-DAH!

[Nothing happens. As an embarrassed silence descends on the party, Gomez opens the top of the cake and looks inside; smoke billows out]

Gomez: That poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?

[Lurch hangs his head. The guests remain quiet, except for a few sympathetic coos from Cousin Itt. Gomez replaces the lid.]

Gomez: [brightening] C'est la vie!

[Fester is lying in bed, while Gomez sits next to him]

Gomez: [pulling an antiquated pornographic magazine from under Fester's comforter] And what's this...?

[Fester gives a naughty grin and the two brothers chuckle. Gomez opens the centerfold and they both look at it]

Gomez and Fester: [warmly] ...Mom!

[Wednesday and Joel sit on a bench looking out at the lake.]

Wednesday: Are you really allergic?

Joel: Uh-huh, to almost everything.

Wednesday: No, you're not.

Joel: Am too. I can't have dairy products, or wear wool, or drink fluoridated water. Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?

Wednesday: What?

Joel: I DIE!

[Wednesday scoots closer to him as sentimental music plays]

Joel: [to Wednesday and Pugsley] Look at this- I got 'em, "Schizos and Serial Killers". I have almost the whole series- I'm only missing Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac guy.

[Morticia sits in a sunlit nursery, holding a cherubic Pubert and reading The Cat in the Hat; she pauses and looks down at him]

Morticia: Are you enjoying this? A child of mine?

[She reads a bit more, then flips to the last page]

Morticia: [sadly] Oh, no...he lives.

Grandma: [waves a skull at Debbie] Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!

Debbie: What is she doing?

Grandma: Just a curse. Have a nice day.

[Gomez lies in bed, weeping in despair at Fester's departure; Fester bursts in and kneels by the bed]

Fester: Gomez!

Morticia, Grandmama: Fester!

Gomez: [distractedly] Fester? Where is Fester?

Morticia: He's right here, mon chére.

Fester: It's me, Gomez. I lived in shame, in the suburbs!

Gomez: [disgustedly] But you belong to Debbie! You are Debbie's love toy! You...are MISTER DEBBIE!!!

Fester: I am an Addams!

[Wednesday and Joel sit talking outside the Addams mansion]

Joel: Wednesday, do you think someday you might want to get married and have kids?

Wednesday: No.

Joel: But what if you met just the right man, who worshiped and adored you, who'd do anything you say, who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?

Wednesday: I'd pity him.

Wednesday: Joel, I may never see you again. There are forces tearing us apart- Gary, Debbie, 7th grade...

Joel: I'll never forget you.

Wednesday: You won't?

Joel: You're too weird. Cara mía!

Wednesday: Mon chére!

[they kiss, then both wipe their mouths on their sleeves]

[Wednesday and Amanda do lifeguard saving at camp.]

Amanda: [horrified] Is that your bathing suit?

Wednesday: Is that your overbite?

Amanda: I'll be the victim!

Wednesday: All your life.

Amanda: I'm going to be an actress.

Gary: Brava! Now, Amanda- jump in the water and swim out a couple of yards and start drowning. [Amanda jumps in the water]

Amanda: [overacting] Help me! I'm drowning! Help me, I'm dying! [she takes a deep breath and sinks]

Wednesday: [deadpan] I can't swim. [as large air bubbles erupt from the spot where Amanda is runnning out of air]

[Debbie has just blown up the house.]

Fester: Sweetie! Did you get the champagne?

Debbie: FREEZE!

Fester: Pookie.

Debbie: I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity, but oh, no, not you.

Fester: What are you saying?

Debbie: I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.

Fester: Don't you love me? [she laughs pityingly] Is that a no?

Debbie: Do I love you? Look at yourself! You're the missing link! You shouldn't be married, you should be studied! You're a big, dumb, weird...thing! No woman in her right mind could love you.

[During the camp's Thanksgiving play, with Wednesday as Pocahontas and Amanda as Sarah Miller]

Wednesday: [going off the script] Wait!

Amanda: [confused] What?

Wednesday: We cannot break bread with you.

Amanda: Huh? Becky, what's going on?

Becky: [whispering] Wednesday!

Wednesday: You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now, my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations; your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the roadside; you will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation; your people will have stick-shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."

Amanda: Gary, she's changing the words!

Wednesday: And for all these reasons, I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

Pugsley: Do you miss her?

Fester: Sometimes, late at night...I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jesus, Fester, go back to your room!"

[at Debbie's grave]

Wednesday: She wasn't sick, she was sloppy. If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it- and I wouldn't get caught.

Joel: How?

Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.

Joel: No, you wouldn't. [to the headstone] We're all very sorry, Debbie, and wish you only the best.

[Thing's hand erupts from the soil and grabs his arm; he screams as Wednesday gives an evil smile]

Amanda: ...And then the ghost said, and I will haunt you foreverrr!

Female Campers: Ahhhh.

Amanda: Wednesday, you have to continue the ghost story.

Wednesday: This is dumb.

Amanda: Well, if you can't do it.

Wednesday: [Puts her book down and sets up on the side of her bed] And so the next night the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, ' "None of you really believe in me. So I'll have to prove my power".' Then the next morning, when the campers woke up, all their old noses had grown back.

Female Campers: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday: [Smiles sadistically]

[Gomez and the rest of the Addams family (except Wednesday and Pugsly) are in the police precinct attempting to get Debbie arrested for what she has done to Fester ]

Gomez: I have seen evil! (Grandmama holds up Pubert while smiling) I have seen horror! (Cuts to Lurch smiling) I have seen the unholy maggots which feasts in the dark recesses of the human soul! (referring to Wednesday and Pugsly)

Morticia: They're at camp.

Dialogue

Cast