Ally McBeal

• There's no sin in loving men. Only pain!
• We're not only wired to want what we can't have, but we're also wired to want what we really don't want.
• You only die once!
• When guys are persistent, it's romantic, they make movies about that. If it's a woman, then they cast Glenn Close.
• Law and love are the same - romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection.
• I like being a mess. It's who I am.
• I've been dumped before, Renee. This isn't pain I'm feeling, it's nostalgia.
• I mean, with all due respect, you sort of walk around with uppity breasts, and the hair flips aren't the most subtle. And your perfume - you could be flammable. Now what if somebody shut you down as a safety hazard, how would you feel then?
• Here I am, the victim of my own choices. And I'm just starting.
• Maybe I'm happy and I just don't know it.
• The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.
• Whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines. If things don't change, I am bound to be arrested.
• [about Billy] He wants to have his cake and not eat me.
• Hi! I'm Ally McBeal, homewrecker. Here's my card.
• Wow... I have a boyfriend.
• [Watches Nelle Porter unpin her bun and shake out her long, beautiful blonde hair] It's official: I HATE her!
• Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not. But the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.
• Sometimes... there's no point in the truth if the only thing it will do is cause pain.
• The idea that when people come together, they stay together. I have to take that with me when I'm going to bed at night, Even if I'm going to bed alone.
• Men are like gum anyway - after you chew they lose their flavor.
• Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction.
• Uh, let the record reflect that the deponent is a fat, arrogant, overweight, bald pig.
• Even if I did get past all my problems, I'm just gonna get out and get new ones.
• Remember, when you're with me, it's the only time you're not the strangest person in the room. So go ahead, get weird with me.
• We're women. We have a double standard to live up to.
• However much I know otherwise part of me has always felt that life has no real meaning until you get to share it with somebody. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of: my life finally taking meaning or suddenly becoming void of it.

John "The Biscuit" Cage

• [about Santa Claus] A fat man, trying to squeeze through a narrow chimney, and I taunt him with Oreos and whole milk.
• That's the trouble I suppose in coming at people with honesty, some times they counter with it.
• I'm not going through an odd phase, I really am odd.
• The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal.
• If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn't bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted. (last episode of first season).
• Frog Song (sung by John Cage in "Worlds Without Love")

Green legs leaping.

Amphibial reaping.

Life zeal.

It's all in the keeping.

Be a frog.

Be a frog.

Be a frog.

Be a frog.

Richard Fish

• You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.
• [A judge has just denied his motion] Let the record show: dammit.
• Is that the two cents? I'd be looking for change.
• Objection! Your Honor, this is boring!
• Everybody's alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship.
• Helping others is never more rewarding than when it's in your own self interest.
• Let me tell you something. I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law; the law sucks. It's boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry? Yeah, we can do that.
• "Problem" is just a bleak word for challenge.
• Make enough money, and everything else will follow. Quote me. That's a Fishism.
• She told her that you told her about what she told you. I'm in the middle and clueless. I feel like Elaine.
• You know, I had a great aunt once who said if you stare at a beautiful woman too long, you turn to stone. She was partially right.
• Fishism - Catchphrase
• Bygones - Catchphrase
• Next up - Catchphrase
• [Talking to Margaret Camaro, butch lesbian sociologist] Camaro. Isn't that a muscle car?
• Er... love without sex is er... meaningless... Senior Fishism!

Elaine Vassal

• That was with all due respect?
• A lot of people forget what they're saying in a fit of rage, so I'll be happy to take the minutes.
• Sometimes she just looks snappish.
• Snappish!
• That was a snappish remark disguised in a soft tone.
• I'm sure she's quite stupid, and in time, gravity will get her.
• She's two-thirds of a Rice Krispie treat. She's already snapped, and crackled, and she's ready for the final pop.
• Oh, forgive my bluntness. It's a device I use to cope.

Ling Woo

• It's a problem being beautiful. It's only the handsome men that ask us out because they're the only ones who think they have a chance. And handsome men are dolts. Life is unfair to us. At some point we have to face the certain reality: despite all the good the world seems to offer, true happiness can only be found in one thing - shopping.
• This woman [Elaine] drips with sarcasm at my personal expense.
• Nelle is like a sister; when she's in pain, I throw up!
• I'm rich. I only go into work to wear my outfits!
• I am really a very funny person.
• He's about to take a very long moment
• [After co-worker Billy announces he has a brain tumour] I hope he's not going to milk this...
• [to a man in a wheelchair] "Watch where you are going! It's bad enough that you people get all the parking spots!"
• I think Tourettes is so cool. It would be great to be able to annoy people like that. You get to woop and twitch. Any other good ones?
• [When pointed out "there are real blind people in the world", Ling retorts] It's not like any of them saw me
• [After a blind man accidentally taps her with his cane] OW! I so prefer the deaf to the blind.
• I Object! I'm bored! As an officer of the court, I have a duty to be open and forthright. I think the witness is tedious and I'm concerned for the jury's attention span
• A woman hasn't got true control of a man until her hand is on the dumb stick
• There's nothing I enjoy more then seeing a happy couple and coming between them

Others

• Renée Radick: People think you're strange, you know. Just, just sit there and don't talk.
• Dr. Tracy Clark [plays a tape of people laughing]: Sometimes when a patient says something so competely naive, I find that my own laughter just isn't enough.
• Nelle Porter: Ling, one of the disadvantages of having magnetism is that you bring people out, people that otherwise would go unnoticed. The fact that she can be so annoying is really a tribute to you!
• Georgia Thomas: At the end of the day, life is just this big wall of reality that we all crash into.
• Liza Bump [to Nelle Porter]: Do you talk, or do I have to pull a string?
• Camaro: Why should I do anything for you? The last time I was here you called me a vicious lesbian!
• Steven Milter: The younger man are trainable. If you find him attractive, if he's smart, take him home. Take him shopping! Take him into your bosom. It's not the man who makes the man. It's the woman!

Dialogue

Judge Jennifer "Whipper" Cone: No, I don't think you're nuts, but I don't think that you have both feet on the ground either.

Ally McBeal: You mean some people do?

Ally McBeal: You loved me.

Billy: Yeah. That's the truth. So much that sometimes, when we were apart, we used to keep an open phone line at night so while sleeping I could listen to your breath.

Dr. Tracy Clark: You kissed him? You're a slut!

Ally McBeal: I... I am not! I am not a slut!

Dr. Tracy Clark: Oh, come on! Don't fool yourself!

Ally McBeal: Where does she come up with these things?

Nelle Porter: Well, Ling wasn't editor of law review for nothing.

Ally McBeal: Ling went to Law School? Ling is a LAWYER?

Ally McBeal: Love isn't always enough.

Larry: Yeah, it is. You go without it long enough and you realize it's everything.

Nelle Porter: You having fun with this case?

Ling Woo: It's okay. I prefer being a plaintiff, but a defendant's nice too. I get a martyr glow.

Ling Woo: So Jackson Duper, you don't tell a woman your real name?

Jackson Duper: Hey, for all I knew...

Ling Woo: You knew me well enough to go to bed with me.

Jackson Duper: Look...

Ling Woo: Why the alias? You wanted?

Jackson Duper: No.

Ling Woo: Certainly not by me.

Jackson Duper: Excellent. Do I get to talk

Ling Woo: Fine. Quick, think up something.

Jackson Duper: Look...

Ling Woo: We're back to look.

Jackson Duper: Hey...

Ling Woo: We're back to hey.

Jackson Duper: Ling...

Ling Woo: How do you know my real name? Oh that's right, I gave it to you. What an odd thing to do.

[Ally is outraged when Ling convinces a dying boy that he could sue God]

Ling Woo: Do you know how his father died?

Ally McBeal: No. Do you?

Ling Woo: Yes, I overheard the nurses talking. He was crushed by a tree that was struck by lightning. THAT was an act of God, so we go after the Church, HOUSE of God. I need to pee.

Elaine Vassal: In a pinch, I sometimes allude to not wearing any underwear.

Ally McBeal: I won't be in that pinch.

Georgia Thomas: Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's?

Ally McBeal: They're mine.

Rabbi Stern: Are you always such a bitchy little thing?

Ally McBeal: Bitchy?

Rabbi Stern: Coming in here, insulting the Talmud, insulting me!

Ally McBeal: What kind of rabbi calls somebody bitchy?

Rabbi Stern: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Ally McBeal: 'Cause I'm bitchy? God has no love for the bitchy?

Rabbi Stern: Get out.

John "The Biscuit" Cage: Have no fear, Nelle, that girl is a bagel!

Nelle Porter: Bagel?

John "The Biscuit" Cage: [pauses] I meant to say 'toast.'

Ally McBeal: I am good in bed, Renee.

[Renee laughs]

Ally McBeal: What?

Renée Radick: Ally, I'm your roommate. We have thin walls, and you...

[Renee imitates small whining noises]

Ally McBeal: I don't sound like that.

Renée Radick: I make more noise breaking in a new shoe.

Ally McBeal: So how has it come to this? We're smart women, we're fairly attractive...

Renée Radick: I'm even hot.

Greg: You kicked him?

Ally McBeal: I didn't know he was real; I thought he was pretend.

Greg: You only kick pretend people?

Ally McBeal: [pause] Yes.

John "The Biscuit" Cage: I am an enigma.

Renée Radick: You're a cute little enigma.

Renée Radick: Well, don't get me wrong, Ally...

Ally McBeal: Why does everyone say that to me? Do I get everything wrong?

Renée Radick: No, it's just that what I am about to say may sound like an insult, so I want to buffer it.

Ally McBeal: Oh, okay.

Renée Radick: Emotionally, you're an idiot.

John "The Biscuit" Cage: Let's not forget that Lizzie Borden was found innocent of killing her parents.

Richard Fish: Oh, she did it; the jury just took pity on her for being an orphan.

Georgia Thomas: Well, by all means let's hear your opinion, Richard.

Richard Fish: Simple. Men and women. Friction.

Georgia Thomas: That's it? Friction?

Richard Fish: Friction, friction, friction, orgasm. Fishism. Are we going to dance or not?

Billy: Why do therapists always have to talk about sex?

Dr. Hooper: What can I say, Freud was a perv.

Ally McBeal: I'm trying to desensitize myself to murder so I can be a better lawyer.

Billy: Why don't you just watch the news?