American Wedding Quotations

American Wedding is a 2003 film, the third film in the American Pie series, which deals with the wedding of Jim and Michelle and the gathering of their families and friends, including Jim's old friends from high school and Michelle's little sister.

Directed by Jesse Dylan. Written by Adam Herz

This time they're going all the way.

Steve Stifler

No no no shit head, you hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds? Not to mention that you passed on Nadia, dumbest fucking thing ever. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.

It's on like Donkey Kong, biotch.

My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.

Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand? [Hits Finch in the groin] Bang-cock.

Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.

Gee, thanks for inviting me to the graduation party, fucker.

"Congratulation, Jism!"

Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth! What happened to my invite? Get lost in the mail, Fuckface?

Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.

It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. 'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and rock out with my cock out.

Everyone wants a piece of the Stifmeister.

Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special fuckers. Well you know what Finch-fucker? Im-a gonna get laid and it's going to be like oh so good. And I'm gonna' be like "Do you like this shit, mama?" and she's gonna' be like "Fucking right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!"

Fine. Adios!

Hey, flower-fuckers, you there?!

Save it, dickhead, I'm working.

This sucks! [Kevin & Finch look at him] Did I say that out loud? [Whispers to Jim] Keep going, man. It's good.

Fuckface! What part of "This sucks my colon" do you not under-fucking-stand?!

Michelle Flaherty

Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.

Jim, I had trouble finding the words to tell you how I feel. And I realized something. Love isn't just a feeling. Love is something you do. It's a dress, a visit to band camp. A special haircut. Jim, you've given me everything I ever wanted, and it is my solemn vow to give everything I am to you.

Paul Finch

Hey I'm gonna give you a little piece of advice: love life, get paid, then get laid. That is the basic philosophy of... The Finch-meister!

Voltaire can suck on my balls!

Oh, Stifler's Mom!

I did fuck your Mom... Twice!

Dialogue

Kevin Myers: Guys, here's to the next step!

Paul Finch: Would you please shut up with that stepping?! Put your glass down!

Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite or something?

Jim: "Impolite" would be an improvement.

Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?

Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".

Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?

Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.

Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.

Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?

Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

Finch: Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.

Stifler: They're gay?

Finch: No, you bleeding imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated.

Stifler: So, they're gay.

Michelle: [about Stifler] Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.

Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.

Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.

Finch: "A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.

Stifler: "Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.

Stifler: Observe the fucking Stifmeister. What is his defining characteristic?

Jim: He uses the F-word excessively.

Stifler: Thanks, man. But I also have confidence. You're one big floppy cock!

Cadence: So, can I see the ring?

Stifler: Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket.

Cadence: Okay, Frodo.

Jim: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?

Jim's Dad: Why? Did she say something?

Jim: Hypothetically, Dad.

Jim's Dad: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...

Jim: If-If-If you weren't married.

Jim's Dad: She's a college girl.

Jim: If you were a college guy.

Jim's Dad: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.

Michelle: How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?

Jim: How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?

Michelle: I'm still a nympho.

Jim: Well, I'm still a perv.

Paul Finch: Grandmotherfucker.

Steve Stifler: You're a motherfucker.

Paul Finch: [smiling] Yes, I am!

Stifler: So, you upset about me and Cadence?

Finch: Well, let's see. She wasn't into the intellectual stuff, she actually enjoyed me acting like an imbecile. I don't know, I suppose she's better with you anyway.

Stifler: [pats Finch on the back and smiles] Thanks Shitbreak. [pauses and scowls] Fucker. I fucking hate not hating you.

Finch: [grins] I did fuck your Mom...twice.

Stifler: That's better, fucker.

Stifler's Mom: If this is your idea of a proposal... Finchy, you've got to know I'm over you now.

Finch: Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris.

Stifler's Mom: And the pool table.

Finch: And the car.

Stifler's Mom: And the two-room suite I have upstairs...

Jim: (Following Michelle accepting his proposal) I am the happiest man in the world. (His pants fall down to reveal a huge hard-on)

Jim's Dad: Well we should all be so happy.

Cast

Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler
Alyson Hannigan - Michelle Flaherty
Eddie Kaye Thomas - Paul Finch
Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers
January Jones - Cadence Flaherty
Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad