Angel Quotations

Angel (1999–2004) was created by Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt.
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Season 1	Season 2	Season 3	Season 4	Season 5
City of	Judgment	Heartthrob	Deep Down	Conviction
Lonely Hearts	Are You Now or Have You Ever Been	That Vision Thing	Ground State	Just Rewards
In the Dark	1st Impressions	That Old Gang of Mine	The House Always Wins	Unleashed
I Fall to Pieces	Untouched	Carpe Noctem	Slouching Toward Bethlehem	Hell Bound
Rm w/a Vu	Dear Boy	Fredless	Supersymmetry	Life of the Party
Sense & Sensitivity	Guise Will Be Guise	Billy	Spin the Bottle	C Tale of # 5
Bachelor Party	Darla	Offspring	Apocalypse, Nowish	Lineage
I Will Remember You	Shroud of Rahmon	Quickening	Habeas Corpses	Destiny
Hero	The Trial	Lullaby	Long Day's Journey	Harm's Way
Parting Gifts	Reunion	Dad	Awakening	Soul Purpose
Somnabulist	Redefinition	Birthday	Soulless	Damage
Expecting	Blood Money	Provider	Calvary	You're Welcome
She	Happy Anniversary	Waiting in the Wings	Salvage	Why We Fight
I've Got You Under My Skin	The Thin Dead Line	Couplet	Release	Smile Time
The Prodigal	Reprise	Loyalty	Orpheus	A Hole in the World
The Ring	Epiphany	Sleep Tight	Players	Shells
Eternity	Disharmony	Forgiving	Inside Out	Underneath
Five by Five	Dead End	Double or Nothing	Shiny Happy People	Origin
Sanctuary	Belonging	The Price	The Magic Bullet	Time Bomb
War Zone	Over the Rainbow	A New World	Sacrifice	The Girl in Question
Blind Date	Through the Looking Glass	Benediction	Peace Out	Power Play
To Shanshu in LA	There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb	Tomorrow	Home	Not Fade Away
See also			External links

City of

Doyle: (On Angel's home) Nice place. Not much of a view, but it has a certain Batcave charm to it.

Doyle: Let me tell you a little bedtime story.

Angel: But I don't feel sleepy.

Doyle: Once upon a time, there was a vampire. And he was the meanest vampire in all the land. I mean other vampires were afraid of him he was such a bastard. Then, one day, he gets his soul back and suddenly he's mad with guilt.

Angel: I was wrong. Now I'm feeling sleepy.

Doyle: It's a fairly dull tale. It needs a bit of sex, in my opinion. So sure enough, he meets a girl. Pretty little blonde thing. A vampire slayer by trade. And our vampire falls madly in love. But eventually, they get fleshy with one another. And the moment he, well I guess the technical term is "Perfect Happiness". But when our boy gets there, he goes bad and kills again. Its ugly. When he gets his soul back for the second time, he figures he can't be anywhere near Miss Puppy-Eyes without endangering them both. He takes off and goes to L.A, to fight evil and atone for his crimes. He's a shadow, a faceless champion of the helpless human race.Say,You wouldn't happen to have a beer of any kind,would You?

Doyle: It's about showing people there's still love and hope in the world.

Homeless Woman: Spare change?

Doyle: Get a job, you lazy sow.

[Angel bumps into Sunnydale acquaintance Cordelia at a Hollywood party.]

Cordelia: So, um, are you still... 'Grrr'?

Angel: Yeah. There's not actually a cure for that.

[An offer of help from a wealthy admirer has moved Cordelia to tears.]

Cordelia: Oh, God, I'm sorry! I'm getting all weepy in front of you. I probably look really scary. I finally get invited to a nice place... with no mirrors, and... lots of curtains... Hey! You're a vampire!

Russell Winters: What? No, I'm not.

Cordelia: Are too!

Russell: I don't know what you're talking about.

Cordelia: I'm from Sunnydale — we had our own Hellmouth! I think I know a vampire when I... am... alone with him... in his fortress-like home. And, you know? I think I'm just feeling a little light-headed from hunger. I'm just wacky! And kidding!! Ha, ha!...

Russell: Truth is, I'm glad you know. It means we can skip the formalities.

Lonely Hearts

Doyle: They're messages I get... you know, from the higher powers, whoever they may be. You know ... it's my gift!

Cordelia: If that was my gift, I'd return it. I mean, you get those headaches, and you do this 'bleh' thing with your face.

Doyle: [grimacing] What thing with my face?

Cordelia: Plus, your visions are kind of lame. A bar? That's nice and vague. I mean, they should send you one of those self-destructing tapes, you know? That comes with a dossier?

Cordelia: I'm an actress, a student of the human animal. I don't need to talk to people to know their story. [scans and points] Jazz-hands over there? Mama's boy. Peter Pan complex. [points again] Self-absorbed closet-deb, with a big 'the world owes me' chip on her shoulder. [points at Sharon leading Kevin up the stairs] And check out 'Sarah, Plain and Tall.' Has, or comes from, big money.

Doyle: How do you know all that?

Cordelia: Well, you've got to be rich to snag the Calvin Klein model she's leaving with.

Doyle: Yeah, well, they're all riveting insights and such, but we need to find someone that's in trouble?

Angel: So what are you looking for?

Kate: Me? I guess it depends on how many daiquiris I've had. Wow, way to come off as a drunken slut.

[Doyle finds a bra in Cordelia's messy living room and holds it up.]

Cordelia: Oh, that is so high school. "Ooh-ooh! Cordelia wears bras! She has girl parts!"

Angel: I know you guys have been working hard. I mean, you've been cooped up inside a lot. And to show my appreciation, I was thinking, the night being... you know... young and all, that the three of us could, well... should... you know... maybe, go out... ... you know... ... ... for fun.

Cordelia: Or we can go home.

Doyle: And you can sit in the dark alone.

Angel: God yes. Thank you.

In the Dark

[Angel has just saved Rachel from a violently abusive boyfriend, while Spike watches — and narrates — from the rooftop.]

Spike [as Rachel, falsetto]: How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad, hunk of a night thing?

Spike [as Angel, basso]: No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a bad-ass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. [Rachel sways closer to Angel; he steps back, warding her off with his hands.] No, not the hair! Never the hair!

Spike [as Rachel]: But there must be some way I can show my appreciation.

Spike [as Angel]: No, helping those in need's my job. And working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough!

Spike [as Rachel]: I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so...

Spike [as Angel]: Ah. Say no more. Evil's still afoot ... and I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair gel that I like so much. Quickly! To the Angelmobile — AWAY! [Rachel and Angel leave. Spike lights a cigarette.]

Spike [as Spike]: Go on, Liam. Play the big, strapping hero while you can. You have a few surprises coming your way—the Ring of Amarra, a visit from your old pal Spike, and—oh, yeah—your gruesome, horrible death.

Angel: You might as well go home, Spike. The Gem of Amarra stays with me.

Spike: Why? Because you're 'Angel, Vamp Detective' now? I'm so scared. What's next? Vampire Cowboy? Vampire Fireman? Heh, Vampire Ballerina!

Angel: I do like to work with my legs.

Doyle: I'm going to celebrate with a drink down in the pub.

Cordelia: He'd celebrate the opening of a mailbox with a drink down in the pub.

[Doyle is suffering from a severe hangover.]

Doyle: Oh, God... You know what would feel really good right now? One of those mind-numbing, head-cracking visions that I get from time to time... because that would really kill me. What, is there some trick to this?

Cordelia: [takes the aspirin bottle away from Doyle and dispenses three tablets] I think the 'trick' is laying off the ale before you start quoting Angela's Ashes and weeping like a baby-man.

Doyle: Hey, that's a good book.

Cordelia: So I've heard. But I doubt very much that the main characters are Betty and Barney Rubble, as you so vehemently insisted last night. Also? I don't think Oz appreciated being called "my little Bamm-Bamm" all night.

Spike: It's called Addiction, Angel. We all have them. I believe yours is called Slutty the Vampire Slayer.

I Fall to Pieces

Angel: Am I intimidating? I mean, do I put people off?

Cordelia: Well, as vampires go, you're pretty cuddly. Maybe you might want to think about mixing up the black-on-black a little, though.

Kate: Wolfram & Hart. They're the law firm that Johnnie Cochran is too ethical to join.

Cordelia: I know Angel's been working day and night to help people fight their personal demons, but I need a raise.

Doyle: A raise? You've been working for him for, what, like, twenty minutes?

Cordelia: A month. And I have needs.

Doyle: Needs.

Cordelia: A person, needs certain... designer... things.

[Cordelia and Doyle are waiting to ask Angel (again) to charge for their cases.]

Cordelia: We have to stand up to him.

Doyle: Yeah, we're standing up. [They stand up.]

Cordelia: We'll just wait until he has his coffee. [Angel enters.]

Angel: Good morning.

Cordelia: Morning.

Doyle: Morning. [Angel pours himself a cup of coffee, sips, and makes a disgusted face.]

Angel: Ehhh. What is this?

Cordelia: Last week's coffee. Think of it as espresso.

Angel: [supresses gag] I think my esophagus is melting.

Cordelia: [to Doyle] You're a lot smarter than you look. Of course, you look like a retard.

Rm w/a Vu

[Cordelia has been bemoaning her miserable life.]

Doyle: Well, I don't know if I can help with the acting, but about the apartment?

Cordelia: What?

Doyle: If you ever wanna, you know, spend one night away from the place? Maybe give me a call.

Cordelia: Well, stranger things have happened. No, wait—they really haven't. [Cordelia leaves and Doyle sits down in Angel's office.]

Doyle: She's really something, isn't she? It's like wrestling a tiger just to get to know her. Tell me stuff.

Angel: What stuff?

Doyle: About Cordelia.

Angel: Well, I... I know she can't type or file. Until today I had some hope regarding the phone.

Doyle: Who's Aura?

Angel: I think she's one of Cordelia's group. People called them the Cordettes. Bunch of girls from wealthy families. They ruled the high school, decided what was in, who was popular. It was like the Soviet Secret Police, if they cared a lot about shoes.

[Still dripping, Angel juggles a stack of Cordelia's luggage.]

Cordelia: Get this. I tried to call Doyle—I have sunk that low—and there was no answer. So here I am. Not that you were the last resort, it's just that I had nowhere else left to go. Roaches! Live ones, dead ones, all skinny feet and creepy antlers.

Angel: Antlers?

Cordelia: Oh my God, I wonder how many stowed away in that bag! Also? The water is all brown and spurty and not hot! I am dying for a shower. I actually smell. Smell me. I never smell. I didn't know I could. I'm just going to have to stay here until I find a decent place—however long that takes. And when I do, you're completely invited over. Hey, you can just dump my stuff on your couch. Or let me have the bed... whatever you feel good about. Also, my suitcase is still out in the hall.

[Doyle is horrified to find Cordelia staying over at Angel's place.]

Doyle: No... no-no-no-no! Angel, man, how could you?

Angel: How could I what?

Doyle: You knew I was crazy about her—and I was wearing her down, too. But no—handsome, brooding, vampire guy has to swoop in, all sensitive mouth and overhanging forehead! How about leaving some scraps for the homely-looking fellas who don't turn evil when they get some?

Angel: Cordelia stayed over because there's something wrong with her place. I was on the sofa.

Doyle: Oh. That's okay, I suppose.

Cordelia: [looking at apartment] Oh, my gosh. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?

Doyle: [looking at Cordelia] Nope. Never.

[Kate checks police archives for past murders in Cordelia's apartment.]

Kate: Now you’re talking like a detective.

Angel: I am a detective.

Kate: Well, you see, the thing about detectives is, they have résumés. And business licenses. And last names. Pop stars and popes — those are the one-name guys.

Angel: You got me. I’m a pope.

Sense & Sensitivity

[Angel has just finished off a tentacled monstrosity in the sewer.]

Angel: Make sure you cut off all the limbs and both heads this time. Remember to bury the parts separately. [tosses sword to Doyle] I don't want this thing coming back to life again.

Cordelia: That's it?

Angel: I'm gonna go clean out the nest. I'll see you back at the office. [he leaves]

Cordelia: Okay, am I wrong in thinking that a "please" and "thank you" is generally considered good form when requesting a dismemberment?

Doyle: He appreciates us, in his own... unappreciative way.

[Like father, like daughter—Angel gets a one-two punch from the Detectives Lockley at Trevor's retirement party.]

Kate: Boy, I'm scared. And excited. And consumed with dread. And glad you're here.

Angel: I doubt even one of Little Tony's hired guns would try something in a roomful of cops.

Kate: What? Oh, that death-threat hanging overhead. No, I meant speaking in public. [starts across room toward her father]

Angel: What's that old saw? Picture your audience in their underwear?

Kate: [distractedly looks Angel up and down] Way ahead of you. [Angel catches up just as Kate stops in front of her father and kisses his cheek.] Happy retirement, Daddy.

Trevor: Who's this?

Kate: This is Angel, he's a friend. Angel, this is my father.

Angel: Hello, Mr. Lockley. [they shake] Congratulations.

Trevor: For what? All I did was live this long and not get shot.

Kate: Why do you do that?

Trevor: Do what?

Kate: Pretend important things don't matter.

Trevor: [eyes on Kate] So. Angel. [looks at Angel] How long you been seeing Katie?

Angel: We're, ahh, we're pretty new friends.

Trevor: Well, good to see her out with a man. I was starting to wonder if she didn't lean in another direction altogether.

[Angel, Cordelia and Doyle have just broken in to a back room at the precinct. Angel climbs down and turns to look at the broken window.]

Angel: Wow. That's vandalism.

Doyle: It's okay. We'll take care of it later.

Angel: We should leave a note.

Cordelia: Come on.

Angel: What's the magic word?

Cordelia: Urgh!

Angel: I don't think 'urgh' is a magic word, if one could call it a word, and certainly not a magic one.

Cordelia: We don't have time for this.

Angel: There's always time to be considerate of others, Cordelia.

Cordelia: Oh, please.

Angel: [smiles] There. That wasn't so hard now was it?

Doyle: So, you were right. Papazian's planning something.

Angel: What'd ya hear?

Doyle: Papazian's planning something.

Angel: That's it?

Doyle: Johnny Red says, quote, 'Papazian's planning something.'

Angel: Huh. I thought he might be planning something.

Doyle: See? You were right.

Doyle: Angel, man. You've gotta snap out of this!

Cordy: Right now. It's time for you to get all vampy. Grrrr. Kate needs you.

Angel: Uh uh, I don't want to. You both withdraw when I go vamp. I feel you judge me.

Cordy: We won't judge you! Will we? [Doyle concurs] ... Give it a try.

Angel: [shakes head] Closeness is too important to me now.

Bachelor Party

[Doyle just barely manages to slay the vampire menacing Cordelia.]

Doyle: Are you okay?

Cordelia: I'm fine. That was... you were so... brave!

Doyle: You think you could say that again without so much shock in your voice? You're stepping on my moment of manliness here.

Cordelia: I'm sorry. I'm... just...

Doyle: Surprised?

Cordelia: ...Grateful.

Cordelia: So, here I am at Le Petit Renard with Mr. Armani, who could keep me in blue boxes for the rest of my life.

Angel: Blue boxes.

Cordelia: Tiffany's! God! And the whole night I was bored silly. All I could think about was, if this wimp saw a monster, he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run like a weasle. Turns out, the shoe part was giving him too much credit.

Angel: There aren't very many people who wouldn't run. It's just human nature.

Cordelia: Yeah. ... But all of a sudden "rich and handsome" isn't good enough for me. Now I expect a guy to be all brave and interesting. And it's your fault. Both of you.

Angel: Well, maybe not. Maybe you're changing. That could be a good thing.

Cordelia: Or disastrous. As if I wasn't confused enough, then Doyle comes along and rescues me like some... badly dressed superhero. [Angel supresses smile] He was really beat up. But you know the first thing he asked? 'Are you okay.' [Angel smiles] I mean, that's, like, substance. Right?

Angel: Well, there's definitely more to Doyle than meets the eye.

Cordelia: So I've gotta kill myself. [Angel stops smiling] I swore, when I went down this road with Xander Harris, I'd rather be dead than date a fixer-upper again.... Still, maybe you're right. Maybe Doyle does have hidden depths. I mean, really, really hidden. But depths! And I kinda have to buy him a mochaccino for saving my life, don't you think?

Angel: Well, I...

Cordelia: Me,too. We'll be back in a half, you watch the phones, okay?

Harrie: I am only going to ask you this once, Richard. And I expect a straight answer. Were you, or were you not, intending to eat my ex-husband's brains?

Richard: In a way.

Harrie: And when were you planning on telling me?

Richard: I thought maybe I wouldn't have to.

Harrie: You were going to start our life out together with deceit?

Doyle: [to Angel] Sorta missing the point, isn't she?

Harrie: Oh, please, Uncle John. When was the last time you pried yourself away from ESPN long enough to spill the blood of a she-goat?

[A deeply depressed Doyle sits alone in the outer office.]

Cordelia: Well, someone has to go out there and cheer him up. [Angel reluctantly stands] Oh, please. Someone with a heartbeat? [walks over to sofa] Hi, Doyle! Are you gonna become loser pining guy, like, full time now? 'Cause, you know, we already have one of those around the office.

Angel: Hey!

Doyle: Hey!

Cordelia: He can get away with it. He's tall, and... and look at the way clothes hang on him! But you...

Angel: Okay, I think you've cheered us up enough.

Cordelia: You can't live in the past. You gotta move on. Let it go. Forget it. Tomorrow is another day. Did I mention letting it go?

Doyle: Twice.

Cordelia: [sits beside Doyle] You're gonna get through this, Doyle. Nice guys don't always finish last.

Doyle: ...You think I'm a nice guy?

Cordelia: I think it, I say it. It's my way.

I Will Remember You

[Buffy visits Angel.]

Doyle: So, that's the Slayer.

Cordelia: That's our little Buffy.

Doyle: Well, she seemed a little...

Cordelia: Bulgarian in that outfit?

Doyle: Naw, I was gonna say 'hurt'.

Cordelia: Yeah, there's a lot of that when they're together. Come on.

[The Oracle accepts Angel's impromptu "gift," telekinetically transporting his wristwatch to her palm.]

Oracle f: I like time! There's so little and so much of it.

Cordelia: [to Doyle] Let me explain the lore here, okay? They suffer, they fight—that's business as usual. They get groiny with one another—the world as we know it falls apart.

[Buffy has issues with Angel's take-it-slow approach to his newly restored humanity.]

Buffy: You know, it's a good thing I didn't fantasize about you turning human only about ten zillion times... because today would have been a real let-down.

[Doyle and Cordelia contemplate life without Angel's mission.]

Doyle: I'll finally be free to go out and make me own mark in the world.

Cordelia: We had a cat that used to do that. Oh, God! What am I gonna do? I'm good for exactly two things: international superstardom, and helping a vampire with a soul to rid the world of evil. That makes for a short but colorful résumé.

Hero

[Cordelia strong-arms Doyle into reading for her commercial.]

Doyle: 'If you need help, then look no further. Angel Investigations is the best. Our rats are low...'

Cordelia: 'Rates'!

Doyle: It says 'rats'... '...Our rates are low, but our standards are high. When the chips are down, and you're at the end of your rope, you need someone that you can count on. And that's what you'll find here. Someone who'll go all the way, who'll protect you no matter what. So don't lose hope. Come on over to our offices, and you'll see that there's still heroes in this world.' ...Is that it? Am I done?

Doyle: One of us has been drinking, and I'm sorry to say it's not me.

[Doyle returns from a dangerous task.]

Cordelia: You're alive!

Doyle: And you're not happy?

Cordelia: We were worried.

Doyle: Oh! Well, it's all gonna be okay n... [Cordelia slaps him] ...What was that for?

Cordelia: Why didn't you tell me you were half demon? I thought we agreed that secrets are bad!

Doyle: I wanted to tell you. I was afraid. I thought if I did, you'd reject me.

Cordelia: I rejected you way before now! So you're half demon! Big whoop!! I can't believe you'd think I'd care about that. I mean, I work for a vampire! Hel-lo?

Doyle: It's true. I just...

Cordelia: What do you think I am, superficial? I mean, you're half demon. That's so far down the list. Way under 'short.' And 'poor.' Is there anything else I should know?

Doyle: The half demon thing? Pretty much my big secret.

Cordelia: Good. That's out. It's done. Would you ask me out for dinner, already?

Doyle: You were a real, live, flesh and blood human being ...and you and Buffy... ? You had the one thing you wanted in your naturally long life and you gave it back?

Angel: Maybe I was wrong.

Doyle: Maybe Cordelia was right, about you being the real deal in the hero department. See, I would have chosen the pleasures of the flesh over duty and honor any day of the week. I just don't have that strength.

Angel: You never know your strength until you're tested.

Doyle: Come on. You've lived and loved and lost and fought and vanquished inside a day, and I'm still trying to work up the nerve to ask Cordy out for dinner.

Doyle: Well, if it's a fight they want... can't someone else give it to them? [encouraged by his friend's first smile] It just seems so unfair. You've gotta save all the helpless types around here, now you've gotta fight the apocalypse as well?

Angel: [stands up] It's all the same thing. Fight the good fight, whichever way you can.

Doyle: Tell you what. You fight, and I'll keep score.

Parting Gifts

[Angel interviews Barney in his office.]

Barney: You know, I just noticed it's 3:45 in the afternoon. If you're a vampire, why aren't you in your coffin?

Angel: Coffin. I hate that stereotype. You're a demon and you don't know anything about vampires?

Barney: Only what I learned from TV.

Angel: Vampires don't sleep in coffins. It's a misconception made popular by hack writers and ignorant media. [stands] In fact, you know, we can and do move around during the day, as long as we avoid direct sunlight. Got it?!

Barney: Gotten. Sorry. Didn't want to push any sore spots.

[Cordelia enters the office after her audition.)

Angel: Hi. [she doesn't answer and he looks at her more closely] Everything okay? [in one smooth motion, she puts down her bag, reaches for him and kisses him] Hmm. Hmp. Mmghmm! [he puts his hands on her shoulders, gingerly pushing to get her off, trying not to offend her) Okay, uh... Cordelia, that was, uh... I, I think that you're acting out of grief, and you're confusing our... friendship... for something more...

Cordelia: I didn't feel anything. Did you feel anything?

Angel: No! You see, that's what I'm trying...

Cordelia: Urgh! That means I still have it. Damn! I can't believe he did this to me.

Angel: Who did what?

Cordelia: Doyle! I thought our kiss meant something. Instead, he used that moment to pass it on to me. Why couldn’t it be mono or herpes?

Angel: [rubs his mouth] Cordelia...

Cordelia: I didn't ask for this responsibility, unlike some people, who shall remain lifeless. I don’t have anything to atone for. If they know what’s good for them, the PTB better just stay out of my head.

Angel: ...Powers That Be... you had a vision?!

Cordelia: Boy, howdy! And you know how they look painful? Well, they feel a whole lot worse.

Angel: [sits as understanding washes though him] "Another door opens." You’re my link to the Powers now.

Cordelia: I am nobody’s link to anybody. I lost control of my entire central nervous system getting that stupid vision. And I’m not certain, but I might have... drooled... a little in my audition, the first one I’ve had in weeks.

Angel: What was it?

Cordelia: Oh, uh, StainBeGone. It was a national, no less. They’ll probably never call me again...

Angel: [snapping fingers] The vision. What was the vision?

Cordelia: Oh, who cares? It was a thing.

Angel: A thing?

Cordelia: An ugly, grey, blobby, thing. What difference does it make?

Angel: The difference is, if you saw it in a vision, this could be an ugly, grey, blobby, dangerous thing.

Cordelia: I don’t care! I want it out of me. And if kissing is the only way to get rid of it, I will smooch every damn frog in this kingdom. [enter their current client, demon Barney, from the rest room, drying his hands]

Barney: Sorry, I thought I heard voices...

Angel: Uh, Barney, you remember my associate, Cor... [Cordelia kisses Barney] ...delia?

Cordelia: [rubs her mouth] Well, maybe not every frog.

Barney: Boy, I gotta say, I like the way you people treat your clients!

[Angel encounters Wesley, who tried to replace Giles as Buffy's Watcher.]

Wesley: Hello, Angel.

Angel: Wesley.

Wesley: I’ll wager you never thought you’d see me again.

Angel: To tell you the truth, I hadn’t given it much thought one way or the other. What are you...

Wesley: Hup-up-up! [Wesley points his crossbow at Angel's throat] I’m the one asking the questions here. And I think it only fair to warn you, any sudden movement and I’ll be forced to... [Angel casually knocks the crossbow from Wesley’s hands] Right. You had a question?

Wesley: I'm a rogue demon hunter now.

Cordelia: Wow. What's a rogue demon?

[In the kitchen, Cordelia and Angel have just shared a moment of silence for Doyle. Angel goes back to scrambling eggs.]

Wesley: Well, I'll be off then. Farewell, Angel. Who knows when our paths will cross again.

Angel: Wesley. [they shake]

Cordelia: Do you even know where you're headed?

Wesley: Rogue demon hunters rarely do. Wherever evil lurks, wherever the forces of darkness threaten humanity, that's where I'll be. [Angel pours a glass of orange juice for Cordelia.]

Cordelia: Oh, okay. Well, keep in touch.

Wesley: Yes. Yes, I will. But now, the evil lurking everywhere bids me onwards! So... I go.

Cordelia: Take care!

Wesley: Yes. [sets foot on first stair, then leans back into hallway] No rest for the wicked fighters. Through storm and rain. Heat. Famine. Deep, painful, gnawing hunger... I go.

Angel: Breakfast?

Wesley: Ooh! [takes off coat] I suppose so!

Somnambulist

[to Angel, in the middle of talking about something else]

Cordelia: And wow, you look half dead. Which, for someone who's completely dead, would be kind of neat.

Wesley: You've got to make it tight.

Cordelia: Aghh, like I need instructions from you. My glamorous L.A. life—I get to make the coffee and chain the boss to the bed! I gotta join a union.

Angel: Cordelia, I, I think that's tight enough.

Cordelia: And if it turns out that we're back on the liquid lunch? Better safe than cocktails.

[Wesley has just shown Cordelia a news clipping about a murdered girl.]

Wesley: I think you'd better sit down. While executing my duties as Watcher in Sunnydale, I did extensive research, specifically on Angel, given his uncomfortable proximity to the Slayer.

Cordelia: He looked pretty comfortable to me.

Wesley: When I saw this story today, it rang chillingly familiar. So, I reacquainted myself with certain facts, confirming, I'm sorry to say, my grim suspicions. In the late 1700s, it was Angelus' custom to sign his victims by carving a Christian cross into their left cheek. He liked to let people know he'd been there.

Cordelia: Okay. You get to leave now. You're not going to come in here and accuse Angel like this.

Wesley: Cordelia...

Cordelia: No! I don't care how many files you have about all the horrible things he did back in the powdered-wig days! He is good now. And he is my friend, and nothing you or anyone else can say will make me turn on a friend!

Angel: Cordelia, he's right.

Cordelia: [to Wes] You stake him and I'll cut his head off.

Kate: You're telling me children's stories.

Angel: I'm telling you the truth.

Kate: No. I don't believe you.

Angel: I know you don't. Even after what you saw, you won't let yourself. Which is why you'll lose.

Kate: I've heard enough.

Angel: No, you haven't heard a word. [Angel grips Kate's cross pendant in his fist, letting her hear the sizzle and smell the smoke.] And you won't. Not now, not yet. Because there are some things in this world you're just not ready to face.

Angel: Hi. Can I come in?

Kate: Oh, that's right. You have to be invited in, don't you?

Angel: [pause] You've been doing your homework.

Kate: Want to quiz me? I'm just full of fun facts. For instance, I learned that your friend has been in L.A. before, did you know that? Yeah, at least twice. Once in 1929 and again in 1963. Oh, and there was something in Boston in 1908, I think he was there, too.

Angel: So you believe me.

Kate: Yes, I believe you...

Angel: Good, because he's planning something el...

Kate: ...Angelus. Isn't that what he called you? Angelus? I looked it up, it's all right there. The demon with the face of an angel. A particularly brutal bastard, by all accounts. Oh, and no, you can't come in.

Angel: I can't make up for the past, Kate, I know that...

Kate: No, you can't. In fact, all of this? What's happening now? Is because of you. You made him, didn't you?

Angel: Then let me help end it. Please.

Kate: 'Please.' Now there's a word I imagine you heard quite a lot in your time. 'Please.' 'No.' 'Don't.' Thanks for the offer, but I don't need your help. I know what to do. Drive a stake right through the son of a bitch's heart. And when that happens, I suggest you don't be there, because the next time we meet, I'll do the same to you.

Expecting

Wesley: Hello. I was just in the neighborhood, patrolling with my new Bavarian fighting axe when I suddenly thought, "Perhaps Cordelia has had a vision." Perhaps you need my help in the battle against evil.

Angel: We seem to be evil-free at the moment.

Wesley: I also packed along a Word Puzzle 3-D, if either of you has the nerve to take me on.

Cordelia: Gee, Wesley, I'd love to... but unlike you, I'm not in my eighties quite yet.

Wesley: If shaking your booty at the latest trendy hot spot is your idea of a life, then call me... [Cordy's gorgeous friends Serena and Emily enter] ...sick with envy.

Serena: [to Wesley] Hi. I'm Serena. Nice ax.

Wesley: Oh, no, this old thing? [accidentally embeds weapon in wall]

Angel: So, you're seeing someone? How come I haven't met him?

Cordelia: 'Cause I'm ashamed of you, not to mention how you'd embarrass me by giving him the third degree.

Emily: Your boss could give me the third degree anytime.

Cordelia: Oh, um... so... [collapses and convulses; Angel and Wesley try to distract Serena and Emily so they won't notice Cordelia having vision]

Angel: [pushes some mail off desk] Um, uh, Cordelia! Grab that file.

Wesley: [bending to pick up mail] Don't worry. Heh Heh. Whoopsie! [straightens up]

Angel: Lounge La Brea. Sounds like that could be an evening with all sorts of evening type... I heard the bands there are...

Serena: They don't have bands.

Angel: Which I like, 'cause if it's too loud...

Emily: Wanna come?

Angel: Oh, I think I may be busy. [flash of Cordelia's vision] Besides, um, I don't, um, lounge... all that well.

Wesley: [loud laugh] Good one. Oh, yes, no. He's no lounger, this one. [throws arm across Angel's shoulders] Hmm-mmm.

Serena: [aside to Emily] The good ones are always gay. Cor, tick-tock. [Cordelia shakily stands]

Angel: [asking about her vision] So, that client I'm supposed to be meeting tonight... What's he like again?

Cordelia: Like a big baby hatching from a big egg, with really large hands, in need of a manicure. You're meeting him here. [writes down address, then moves toward door with girls]

Cordelia: Okay. Are my girls ready to party?

[Cordelia wakes up hugely pregnant, with Wilson nowhere to be found.]

Angel: Have you talked to Wilson?

Cordelia: No. What would I say to him? "I had a really nice time, I think you left something at my place"?

Bartender: [after being interrogated by Angel] What are you, her boyfriend?

Angel: No, I'm family.

Angel: I really don't like it when people shoot me.

She

[Angel dutifully attends Cordelia's party.]

Cordelia: Hi! You having fun?

Angel: Sure. This is... um...

Cordelia: Your idea of hell.

Angel: Actually, in hell you tend to know a lot of the people.

[Angel escapes into Cordelia's kitchen.]

Dennis: [pulls out chair]

Angel: Hi, Dennis. [sits] How you doing?

Dennis: [moves beverage from ice bucket to tabletop]

Angel: Still dead?

Dennis: [pops open can, slides it over]

Angel: [sips] I know the feeling.

Laura: So with my Masters degree in Fine Arts, I was able to launch my very own business – selling sandwiches downtown from a little cart.

Angel: Huh.

Laura: Yeah. I-I do see a lot of stuff on the job. – So I tell myself that I’m honing my eye.

Angel [smiling]: Makes sense.

[A different song comes on and Laura sets down her drink.]

Laura [starting to make dance moves and wearing a big smile]: Oh, I *love* this. (Angel looks around) Would you - like to dance?

[Camera zooms in on Angel’s eye. Flash to white, then to Angel doing some exaggerated wild dancing and making faces while Laura is staring at him with her mouth hanging open. Flash back to white and to Angel’s face.]

Angel: I don’t dance.

[The day after the party.]

Cordelia: I'm so glad you came. You know how parties are. You're always worried that no one's going to suck the energy out of the room like a giant black hole of boring despair. But there you were in the clinch!

Angel: I didn't... Boring?

Cordelia: You used to be a person! Did you never party? Did people not gather in olden times?

Angel: I talked to people. Laura.

Cordelia: Okay, Laura thought you hated her. I had to tell her you were challenged.

Angel: I don't hate her. I, I've got two modes with people: bite and avoid. Hard to shift. Plus, I can't get too close. I mean, with women...

Cordelia: You can be nice. It's not like Laura's gonna throw you down on the living room floor and tear off all of your... Well, actually, Laura...

Angel: I'll try harder. Still, I mean, the quiet, reserved thing, don't you think it makes me kind of... I don't know, cool?

Cordelia: [points at Wesley, just entering] He... was cooler.

Angel: [sits down hard on sofa] Now I'm depressed.

Angel: Here's the plan: We go in, I start hitting people hard in the face, see where it takes us.

I've Got You Under My Skin

[Oven timer dings. Wes checks his sole.]

Cordelia: [off] They're done! Nobody touch.

Angel: I think she's making brownies.

Wesley: Oh, is that what I smell. I thought I tracked something in.

Cordelia: [enters] The recipe was handed down to me from my mother, who got it from her housekeeper, plus I improvised a little. You're gonna love 'em!

Wesley: Me?!

Cordelia: Uh huh!

Wesley: Doesn't Angel have to... get to... try any?

Cordelia: They're brownies full of nutty goodness, not red blood cells.

Wesley: Oh. I wasn't thinking. More of a drinker than an eater, I suppose.

Cordelia: [having difficulty cutting] Maybe if you'd branch out into the solids he'd keep a decent knife around. [starts to hack in pan with special enchanted Keck knife]

Wesley: [shooting to feet] That is not appropriate! It's for killing extinct demons! Angel, make her stop!!

Angel: [smiling] Cordelia...

Wesley: That blade is very old! Who knows what kind of corrosive effect your cooking may have on it?

Cordelia: [brandishing knife] 'Corrosive effect'?

Angel: Cordelia, just.. put down the very sharp knife...

Wesley: Well, they don't smell right.

Cordelia: I think Mr. Too-Much-Cologne is the pot calling the kettle stinky.

Cordelia: Pretend to read any good books lately?

Angel: Cordelia. I thought you went home.

Cordelia: [sits] You called him 'Doyle.'

Angel: It... just happened. I hope Wesley's okay with it.

Cordelia: Oh, who cares about him. This is about Doyle. You never say his name.

Angel: I say it.

Cordelia: No, you don't. Look, you don't have to be Joe-stoic about his dying. I mean, I know that you have this unflappable vibe working for you, but you don't have to do that for me.

Angel: I'm not unflappable.

Cordelia: Great! So... flap.

Angel: [stands, walks to window, turns] ... ... I miss him.

Cordelia: [smiles] Me, too.

Angel: I've been around death before. A lot. I've lost people, I've killed people...

Cordelia: And you are dead. ...Sorry.

Angel: It shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let it happen.

Cordelia: Angel, it wasn't your fault. It hurts.

Angel: Yeah.

Cordelia: What is this stuff, anyway? Kind of pretty.

Wesley: It's the bodily excretion of an Ethros demon.

Cordelia: No one could have said "demon poo" before I touched it?

[Angel and Wesley track a vicious Ethros demon deep into dark basalt sea caves.]

Wesley: Angel, before we go any further, I, I just want to assure you, in as much as we'll be fighting side by side... What that demon said before...

Angel: I know you're not planning to kill me, Wesley. But you're willing to. And that's good! Now, come on.

Ethros Demon: Do you know what the most frightening thing in the world is? Nothing. That's what I found in the boy. No conscience, no fear, no humanity. Just a black void. I couldn't control him. I couldn't get out. I never even manifested him until you brought me forth. I just sat there and watched as he destroyed everything around him. Not from a belief in evil, not for any reason at all...That boy's mind was the blackest hell I've ever known. Thats why I tried to get Him to commit Suicide.I knew it would bring Death,I do not fear it.The only Thing I've ever feared is in that house.

The Prodigal

Liam: Anna, come closer.

Anna: Master Liam, your father...

Liam: He'll be off to church by now, repenting of his sins. And well he should. Closer, Anna!

Anna: Why do ye keep to the shadows, sir? Are ye not well?

Liam: The light... it bothers my eyes just now.

Father: And I know the reason why! [kicks Liam out into the sunlight] Up again all night, is it? Drinking and whoring! I can smell the stink of it on you!

Liam: And a 'good morning' to you, Father.

Father: You're a disgrace.

Liam: If you say so, Father.

Father: Oh, I do. I do say so. Have you not had enough debauchery for one night? Must you corrupt the servants as well?

Liam: 'Servant,' Father. We have one servant. Anyway, everyone gets corrupted. But I find some forms of corruption are more pleasant... [rocks back as hard open-handed slap catches him full force]

Father: I'm ashamed to call you my son. A lay-about and a scoundrel. You'll never amount to anything more than that.

[Liam silently wipes blood from the corner of his mouth.]

[Liam brawls with manic abandon.]

Darla: Who is he?

Bar maid: Who, that one?

Darla: Yes. He's magnificent.

Bar maid: Ooh yah, God's gift, all right.

Darla: Really! I've never known God to be so generous.

Bar maid: Oh, his lies sound pretty when the stars are out, but he forgets every promise he's made when the sun comes up again.

Darla: That wouldn't really be a problem for me, actually.

Cordelia: Pay attention! All you have to do is decide what the code will be.

Angel: Code.

Cordelia: For the security system we just had installed. [waves instruction booklet] Hello? What have we been talking about, anyway?

Angel: I don't...

Cordelia: Come on. The installation guy said it should be something easy to remember, like my birthday.

Angel: I don't know your birthday.

Cordelia: Yeah, tell me something you don't know that I don't know. But after eleven and a half months of punching it in to this, you won't have any excuses.

Angelus: Strange. Somehow you seemed taller when I was alive.

Father: Lord, bind this demon now.

Angelus: To think I ever let such a tiny, trembling thing make me feel the way you did.

Father: [crosses himself] Deliver me under thy protection, Father.

Angelus: You told me I wasn't a man. You told me I was nothing. And I believed you. You said I'd never amount to anything. You were wrong. [vamps] You see, Father. I have made something of myself after all.

Darla: This contest is ended, is it.

Angelus: Now I've won.

Darla: Are you sure?

Angelus: Of course. I proved who had the power here.

Darla: You think?

Angel: [stands] What?

Darla: Your victory over him took but moments.

Angelus: [looks back at his dead father] Yes?

Darla: But his defeat of you will last lifetimes.

Angelus: What are you talking about? He can't defeat me now.

Darla: Nor can he ever approve of you, in this world, or any other. What we once were informs all that we have become. The same love will infect our hearts, even if they no longer beat. Simple death won't change that.

Angelus: Love. [looks around at his dead family] Is this the work of love?

Darla: Darling boy. So young, still so very young.

The Ring

[Cordelia checks a lead on an on-line demon database.]

Cordelia: There are some ugly critters in here. Someone ought to create an intra-demon dating base. You know, like archfiend.org, where the lonely and the slimy connect. I was just joking, Mister Grouchy-Pants. When was the last time you had a dating base?

Wesley: For your information, I lead a rich and varied social life.

Cordelia: Oh, I know. Every night it’s Jeopardy, followed by Wheel of Fortune and a cup of hot cocoa. Look out, girls, this one can’t be tamed!

Eternity

[The episode starts from a black screen.]

Wesley: We're doomed.

Angel: Maybe we can make a break for it.

Wesley: Impossible.

Angel: Front exit?

Wesley: We'd be spotted instantly.

Angel: Back door?

Wesley: Blocked.

Angel: That's it, then. We're trapped.

Wesley: We could try shouting fire... [seats in a theater are shown] It's not technically a crowded theater.

Cordelia: [performing Henrik Ibsen's "A Doll's House" on stage] 'One day, I might, yes. Many years from now, when I've lost my looks a little. Do not laugh.'

Wesley: [checks his watch] Only another hour.

Cordelia: 'I mean of course, a time will come when Torvald is not... is not...' ..Line??

Prompter: [whispers] 'is not as devoted to me'.

Wesley: Perhaps two.

Cordelia: What??

Prompter: [whispers] 'is not as devoted to me'.

Cordelia: 'is not as devoted to me.' [adds dramatic sob]

Angel: And I thought I knew Eternity.

Angel: I'm not what you think.

Rebecca: You're not? Because... no reflection, dark private office, instantly knowing those letters weren't written in blood... I guess what I would think is "vampire".

Angel: Then again...

Rebecca: Which is impossible. Bela Lugosi, Gary Oldman, they're vampires.

Angel: Frank Langella was the only performance I believed, but...

Rebecca: This is real. You're real. Do you drink blood?

Angel: Yeah. But not human.

Rebecca: You're not a killer.

Angel: I gave that up.

Rebecca: Well, there's a support group for everything in this town, I guess.

Rebecca: A season and a half off the air and suddenly I'm nobody again.

Angel: [holding up some tabloids] Not according to these.

Rebecca: According to those, I've slept with Ernest Borgnine and I'm bulimic.

Angel: I hear Borgnine's a very skilled lover.

Rebecca: You're just trying to scare me.

Angelus: Is it working?

[Among Angelus' dastardly deeds was a savage, if accurate, critique of Cordelia's acting.]

Angel: Cordelia —

Cordelia: OK, here's something I never thought I would say to you: Wesley's right. Forget about it.

Angel: But I really didn't mean —

Cordelia: Yes, you did. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to weasel out of it. Angelus may not be the most relaxing company, but at least he's honest. Shouldn't I expect the same from the not-evil version of my friends?

Angel: So, we're OK, then?

Cordelia: I'm way too big of a person to let something so petty get in the way of our friendship.

Angel: I appreciate that. [a pause] You're not gonna untie me, are you?

Cordelia: Pfft! [she exits]

Angel: Wesley? Cordelia? Guys? [cut to credits]

Five by Five

Cordelia: You can always tell when he's happy. His scowl? A little less scowly.

Angel: [regarding Faith] I thought she was in a coma.

Cordelia: Pretty lively coma.

[Faith has Wesley gagged and tied to a chair.]

Faith: We've only done one of the five basic torture groups. We've done blunt, but that still leaves sharp, hot, cold, and loud.

Faith: Face it, Wesley, you really were a jerk. Always walking around like you had a great big stake shoved up your English Channel.

Wesley: I was your watcher Faith, I know the real you. But even if you kill me there is just one thing I want you to remember.

Faith: What's that love?

Wesley: You are a piece of shi...

Faith: You should talk. I guess I'll have to try a little harder huh?

Sanctuary

Angel: You should be resting.

Faith: I've been asleep for 8 months. You rest.

Faith: I gotta be the first slayer in history to be sponsored by a vampire.

Lee Mercer: This is getting ridiculous. The first assassin kills the second assassin sent to kill the first assassin, who didn't assassinate anyone until we hired the second assassin to assassinate her.

Buffy: You hit me!

Angel: Not to go all schoolyard on you, but you hit me first. And in case you've forgotten, you're a little bit stronger than I am.

Buffy: You hit me for her.

Angel: You were about ten seconds away from beating her down.

Buffy: I had a right to it!

Angel: Buffy, this wasn't about you. This was about saving somebody's soul. That's what I do here and you're not a part of it. That was your idea, remember? We stay away from each other.

Buffy: I came here because you were in danger.

Angel: I'm in danger every day. You came here because of Faith. You were looking for vengeance.

Buffy: I have a right to it.

Angel: Not in my city.

Buffy: I have someone in my life now, that I love. It's not what you and I had, it's very new. You know what makes it new? I trust him, I know him.

Angel: That's great, it's nice. You moved on, I can't; You found someone new. I'm not allowed to, remember? I see you again, it cuts me up inside, and the only person I share that with is me. You don't know me anymore, so don't come down here with your great new life and expect me to do things your way. Go home.

Buffy: See? Faith wins again.

Angel: [huskily] Go.

Angel: [to Wesley] For a taciturn, shadowy guy, I've got a big mouth.

War Zone

[The Angel Investigations team is at the home of a wealthy new client.]

Cordelia: Oh, I've missed that smell!

Wesley: Camembert, I believe.

Cordelia: What? No, money. I like to smell a little money once in a while.

Angel: She's not just saying that. Hide some in the office sometime and watch her. It's uncanny.

David Nabbit: Are you familiar with Dungeons & Dragons?

Angel: Yeah. I've seen a few.

Wesley: You mean the, uh, role-playing game.

Angel: Oh. Game. Right.

Gunn: How come you do it? How come you're out here?

Angel: What else are we gonna do? I'll be around.

Gunn: I don't need no help.

Angel: I might.

Blind Date

Wesley: Demons with one eye, demons with twelve eyes, some with double vision. No blind demons. Perhaps Angel's discovered a new species.

Cordy: What, Helen Kellerus Homicidalus?

Lindsey: Well, our files aren't a hundred percent, but I guess it's fair to say you've never seen anything like real poverty. I'm talking dirt poor. No shoes, no toilet, six of us kids in one room. And come flu season it was down to four. I was seven when they took the house. They just came right in and took it. And my daddy's being nice, you know? Joking with the bastards while he signs the deed. So yeah, we had a choice. You got stepped on or you got to stepping. And I swore to myself that I was not gonna be the guy standing there with a stupid grin on my face while my life got dribbled out.

Angel: [pretends to jolt awake] I'm sorry, I nodded off. Did you get to the part where you're evil?

Lindsey: I get myself killed, that'll convince you I've changed?

Angel: It's a start.

[Gunn barges into the main office of the evil law firm, Wolfram & Hart.]

Gunn: Whoo Whoo! My God! They told me it was true, but I didn't believe em. Damn, here it is. Evil white folks really do have a mecca. Now, now, now girls, don't get all riled up. (screams) Did you just step on my foot? Was that my foot you just stepped on? Are you assulting me up in this haven of justice?! Somebody get me a lawyer, because my civil rights have seriously been violated. Oh, I get it, y'all can cater to the demon... cater to the dead man... but what about the black man!?

To Shanshu in L.A.

Cordelia: I want to know what it says about me, if there's torrid romance in my future, massive wealth, if I have to I'll settle for enviable fame.

Wesley: It's an ancient sacred text, not a Magic Eight Ball.

Cordelia: Nobody gets my humor.

Angel: I thought it was funny.

Cordelia: Oh.

Doctor: [after Angel storms into a vision-delirious Cordelia's hospital room] You can't be in here! ...Are you family?

Angel: [pushes her aside] Yes!

Kate: Never a dull moment when you're around is there?

Angel: I have to go.

Kate: Who the hell do you think you are?! You are a major witness in a major crime scene. You're not going anywhere!

Angel: You wanna try and stop me, Kate?

Kate: I'm glad were not playing friends anymore, and I'm real sick and tired of your attitude. There is a thing called the law.

Angel: This isn't about the law. It's about a little thing called life. Now, I'm sorry about your father, but I didn't kill your father and I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for everything you can't handle. You wanna be enemies? Try me!

Wesley: The vampire with the soul, once he fulfills his destiny will 'shanshu.' Become human. It's his reward.

Cordelia: Wow! Angel human!

Angel: That'll be nice.

Lilah: We're all very pleased you're here. I know it's a bit confusing, but it's gonna be better soon. A lot better... Darla.

Judgment

Lilah Morgan: [on phone] If you don't sign, we'll sue your ass off and kill your children. Just kidding, Donald. Nobody wants a lawsuit.

Cordelia: Maybe it's time to visit your stoolie. Make with the chin music until he canaries. I've been watching a little noir festival on Bravo.

Gunn: I saw you in bed.

Cordelia: What?

Wesley: I can see that this is none of my business.

Gunn: You too.

Wesley: Now wait just a moment.

Gunn: At the hospital. After Angel's building blew, he sent me there to keep an eye on you.

Lorne: My question first, and tell the truth because you know I'll know: Why "Mandy?"

Angel: I know the words. And, I think it's kinda pretty.

Angel: I had to sing Barry Manilow.

Faith: You're kidding.

Angel: In front of people.

Faith: And here I am talking about my petty little problems.

Angel: Just wanted to give you a little perspective.

Faith: "Copacabana"?

Angel: "Mandy". I don't want to dwell on it.

Faith: The road to redemption is a rocky path.

Angel: That it is.

Faith: You think we might make it?

Angel: We might.

Are You Now or Have You Ever Been

Cordelia: [emerges from her kitchen, serving drinks to Angel and Wesley in her living room] English breakfast tea... coffee... [sets a tall glass on the table for Angel] ... O-pos.

Cordelia: Something the matter?

Angel: [looking at the dark liquid in his glass] I, um, I think it's gone bad. It's starting to coagulate.

Cordelia: Huh? No - that's cinnamon. [off Angel's look] What, I can't try something?

Wesley: I can sense it. There is a pattern here... Some force was residing at the Hyperion over the last decades, affecting staff and residents. I just fear there is no real way to...

Cordelia: A Thesulac paranoia demon. Whispers to its victims, feeds on their innate insecurities.

[Wesley stares]

Cordelia [holding out phone]: Angel wants to talk to you.

Wesley: I've been accused of a great many things in my time but paranoid has never been one of them. Unless people have been saying it behind my back.

Wesley: Angel, you don't think I'm especially paranoid do you?

Angel: Not especially, no.

Wesley: Good. I was worried.

First Impressions

[Cordelia and Wesley try to clean up the long-deserted Hyperion Hotel.]

Cordelia: Oh, this place is never gonna get clean.

Wesley: Buck up. It's just a little dust.

Cordelia: Oh, this isn't mere dust. This is "Son of Dust". This is the kind of dust that spawns countless generations of little baby dust. I give up.

Wesley: I suppose will just have to move our offices back into your apartment, then.

Cordelia: And, I'm dusting.

Wesley: Angel, it’s me!

Angel: What are you doing here?

Wesley: Gunn’s in trouble. Can’t breathe!

Angel: Gunn can’t breathe?

Wesley: I can’t breathe!

Angel: Oh, sorry.

Wesley: Now, about the naked thing.

Angel: I’ll get dressed.

Wesley: Much appreciated.

Gunn: I’ll say please.

Cordelia: Oh I forgot, you’ll use your famous charm like you did this afternoon with that pigeon stool.

Gunn: It’s stool pigeon.

Angel: Well, it – it’s, you know. The whole visibility issue, not to mention the hat head thing. You know, when you really think about it, how come I have to wear the ladies’ helmet?

Wesley: Stop being such a wanker and put it on.

Untouched

Wesley: I am not a sheep!

Cordelia: You are such a sheep. You've never had a single opinion you didn't read in a book.

Wesley: At least I've opened a book.

Cordelia: Oh don't even try with the snooty, Wooly Boy. I was top 10 percent of my class!

Wesley: What class? Advanced bosoms?

Cordelia: Gunn's been working hard for us. He should be pulling in a check.

Angel: I'll think about asking him.

Cordelia: No think,pay. That's an order.

Angel: Let's pretend for a minute that you work for me.

Cordelia: Man, you are really unpleasant...

Angel: Okay, then let's pretend you don't.

Cordelia: You can't fire me. I'm vision girl [Sticks her tongue out]

Angel: Okay,I'll ask him. On a job to job basis.

Cordelia: My hero.

Angel: What do we know about telekinesis?

Wesley: Ah yes, the power of moving things with one's mind. That's pretty much it. The power of.. moving.. I.. I'm better with demons, really.

[Cordelia is asking Angel how to find the girl with telekinesis.]

Cordelia: No address or anything?

Angel: She said she was staying with a friend.

Cordelia: Well, that narrows down to people with friends. (to Wesley) Where do we keep that list?

Angel: Do you know how hard it is to think straight with a rebar through your torso?

Cordelia: Actually, I do. Benefits of a Sunnydale education.

Dear Boy

Wesley: What about my salary? That's fixed too.

Cordelia: What if every time you identified a demon in one of your big old books, we gave you ten bucks? Or a chicken pot pie?

Wesley: Wait, I have another idea — no. Get a vision!

Cordelia: Well, it's not like you can hit me in the head and wham, it happens!

Wesley: What if we test that theory with one of my big old books?

Angel: Children, stop bickering.

Darla: All that power wasted on a whiny, mopey do-gooder. God, I could eat his eyeballs.

Lindsey: Our plans for Angel are a little more long-term than that. But if you can't help yourself, then by all means, be my guest.

Darla: You're fun for a human.

Darla: God doesn't want you... but I still do.

Angel: I'm not crazy, I'm telling you I saw her.

Wesley: Who?

Angel: Darla.

Wesley: Where?

Angel: Right between the clowns and the big talking hot dog.

Angel: I smelled her, I know her scent.

Wesley: You can't just...

Angel: You had sex last night with a bleached blonde.

Wesley: Good Lord!

Guise Will Be Guise

[The team is at Caritas, a karaoke bar favored by demons.]

Gunn: Okay, what I want to know is, how'd I live in L.A. all my life and not notice weird-ass stuff was going on?

Cordelia: Oh, the ass is even weirder than you think!

Wesley: Release her, or die.

Angel: Don’t I say that?

Cordelia: [spins in Angel's chair] Hey, look at me, I'm Angel!

Wesley: He doesn't generally spin that much.

Cordelia: Right. This is Angel.

Cordelia [as Angel]: Oh, no, I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday.

Angel: There's no Wyndam-Pryce agency...

Darla

Darla: You can be with someone for 150 years - think you know them. Still - doesn't work out. Angelus - why, you should have seen us together.

Lindsey McDonald: He was a different person then.

Darla: And so was I. Now do you know what we've become?

Lindsey: Enemies.

Darla: Oh no. Much worse. Now we're soulmates. [laughs as Lindsey stares]

[Flashback: Virginia Colony, 1609. The Master, disguised as a priest, visits the human Darla as she lies dying of syphilis.]

Darla: Do you even know who I am?

The Master: A woman of some property. No husband, no inheritance. Yes. I know what you are.

Darla: I'm a whore.

The Master: Well, yes, that too. You should have asked for a priest long ago, child. Your life may have been the better for it.

Darla: And you should have paid me a visit before today, father. Your life may have been more interesting because of it.

The Master: Are you prepared now to renounce Satan and beg God his forgiveness?

Darla: God never did anything for me.

The Master: I'm your savior. God never did anything for you... but I will. [sinks his fangs into Darla, who lets him do so]

Wesley: Cordelia has a point.

Cordelia: Finally!

Wesley: The last time Darla emerged she wanted to be found. Now she is out there among six million other people.

Cordelia: She could be sitting on top of anybody.

Angel: Come on, guys! We're a detective agency. We investigate things! That's what we're good at!

Cordelia: That's what we suck at. Let's face it - unless there's a website called www.Oh-By-the-way-we-have-Darla-stashed-here.com, we're pretty much out of luck.

Lindsey: Darla?

Darla: Say that again?

Lindsey: I just uh... I said, your name... Darla.

Darla: It sounds so odd, doesn't it?

Lindsey: I don't know what you mean-.

Darla: It wasn't my name when I was human. First time I was human, I mean.

Lindsey: What was your name?

Darla: [without sentiment] I don't remember. I'm not her, whoever she was. I was Darla for so long. And then... I wasn't. I wasn't anything. I just... stopped. He killed me, and I was done. But then you brought me back.

Lindsey: Yes...

Darla: What did you bring back, Lindsey? What am I? Did you bring back that girl, whose name I can't remember?... Or did you bring back something else? The other thing?

Lindsey: Both. Neither. You're just you... whatever that is.

Darla: Why haven't you kissed me? You've been dying for it, haven't you?

Lindsey: I didn't know if you wanted me to...

Darla: Why should that matter? Do you think I ever hesitated when I wanted something? Life's too short. Believe me. I know. Four hundred years, and still too short.

The Master: [talking about Angelus] Angelus? The Latinate for "Angel". It’s marvelous!

Darla: His name would already be a legend in his home village - had he left anyone alive there to tell the tale.

The Master: We stalk the surface to feed and grow our ranks. We do not live amongst the human pestilence.

Angel: [snorts] Well be honest. You really couldn't with that face, now could you?

[Flashback: London, 1760. Darla introduces the vampire Angelus to The Master, who beats up the young vampire for insulting him.]

Angelus: [to Darla] Tell the truth - whose face do you want to look at for eternity? His, or mine?

The Master: You idiot. I made her.

[To the Master's shock, Darla goes to Angelus and helps her lover to his feet.]

The Master: You're leaving with the stallion, aren't you?

[One of the Master's minions tries to block their path, but the Master waves them off and lets the couple leave the hall.]

The Master: No. Let them go. He won't last. I give it a century, tops.

Darla: [looking at a dead body] So beautiful. Not a blemish, not a freckle. Perhaps we should have preserved that beauty for eternity-?

Angel: [as Angelus] Still, - he won't now age.

Darla: No, but he'll rot. Seems a pity.

Drusilla: When I bit into him, I could hear the ocean.

Darla: Of course you could.

Drusilla: I'm full and warm, yet all alone.

Angel: [as Angelus] That's not true, precious. You've got us.

Drusilla: Not in the least. You won't even hurt me just a little bit.

Darla: All you have to do is ask.

Drusilla: No. His head's too full of you, Grandmother.

Darla: Stop calling me that.

Drusilla: Don't be cross. I could be your mummy...

Angel: Well, if you're lonely, Dru, why don't you make yourself a playmate?

Drusilla: I could! I could pick the wisest and bravest knight in all the land and make him mine forever with a kiss.

William: [walking past] Bloody... watch where you're going!

Darla: Or you could just take the first drooling idiot that comes along.

[Angel and Darla walk on while Drusilla watches William, visibily interested.]

Darla: Then turn me back! My God! I can't bear this pounding in my chest for another instant!

Angel: It's a gift... to feel that heartbeat. To know, really and for once, that you're alive. You're human again, Darla. Do you know what that means?

Darla: Of course I do. It means pain, and suffering and disease and death! Look, I released you from this world once. I gave you eternal life. Now it's time for you to return the favor.

Angel: Favor? Is that what you think? You think you did me a favor? [pause] You damned me!

The Shroud of Rahmon

[Cordelia has dyed her hair black.]

Wesley: What happened to your head?

Cordelia: Excuse me?

Wesley: Your hair. It's.. new. It's great. When did this happen?

Cordelia: Ten days ago.

[Cordelia returns to the hotel with a large red stain on her blouse.]

Angel: Cordelia. What happened?

Cordelia: It's not blood, it's cocktail sauce. Courtesy of Mr. Star Shmoozer here.

Angel: I mean your head. Your hair. It looks.. great. When did this happen?

Wesley: Ten days ago. Pay attention.

Wesley: I even spilled it on her in front of Mr. Fat Chow... Chow.

Cordelia: Chow Yun-Fat!

Angel: What? You met Chow Yun-Fat?

Angel: Hey, nice sweater. Where'd you get it, Ed's Big & Spiny?

The Trial

[Holtz hunts Darla and Angelus across 18th century France.]

Angelus: This is outrageous. Don't those people know who we are?

Darla: I think they do. Which would explain the lynch mob.

Angelus: I hate the French. We should go someplace like Romania.

Darla: In Italy, you said we should go someplace like France.

Angelus: At least in Romania, they really know how to treat a creature of the night.

Angelus: It's this man, Holtz. How does he keep finding us?

Darla: Well, we stay in the best hotels, order room service, eat the waiters. People talk.

[Angel can't understand why Darla wants so badly to become a vampire again.]

Angel: So, you really want to be made by some creep in a filthy alley.

Darla: I wanted you to do it.

Angel: That'll never happen.

Darla: So I do what I have to do. Anyway, you were made in an alley, if I recall.

Angel: That's not the point.

Darla: Yeah, what is the point, Angelus?

Angel: The point is, you were undead for four hundred years. You've only been human again for a few months. Why not give it some time?

Darla: I don't have time.

Angel: You do. You've been given a second chance. Don't throw that away before you have the opportunity ...

Darla: I'm dying.

Angel: ... ... What?

Darla: Yeah. And not 'sometime.' Not 'later.' Now. Right now. They showed me the medical files. All the tests say the same thing. I've got about two months, three at the most, so if you'll excuse me, I'm in sort of a hurry.

[Darla has just told Angel that she is dying and he has kicked open Lindsey's door to confront him about this.]

Angel: I may not be able to come in, Lindsey, but...

Lindsey: Wipe your feet.

Angel: What?

Lindsey: Wipe your feet. You can come in. Jeez, I invited you in already.

Wesley: [about Wolfram & Hart] It's true. They can't really be trusted.

Darla: I don't trust them. But I know a thing or two about mind games. [To Angel] So do you. We've played them together for over a century.

Cordelia: Yes, but you were just soulless, blood-sucking demons. They're lawyers.

Angel: [to Darla] She's right. We were amateurs.

[Angel has brought a terminally ill Darla to the Hyperion Hotel]

Cordelia: [to Darla] First up, you're a prisoner.

Wesley: I'd have to concur with that, yes.

Cordelia: See, you've got our friend all in knots.

Wesley: Can't say we like you much.

Cordelia: So, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape, we will hit you.

Wesley: On the head.

Cordelia: With very large and heavy objects. Okay?

Angel: How could The Powers allow you to be brought back, dangle a second chance and take it away like this?

Darla: Maybe this is my second chance.

Angel: To die?

Darla: Yes. To die. The way I was supposed to die in the first place.

Reunion

Gunn: Okay, I'm still tryin' to get this family tree straight. Darla sired Angel.

Wesley: Correct.

Gunn: And Angel sired this Drusilla.

Wesley: Back when he and Darla were together, yes.

Gunn: But, before Angel got his soul back, right?

Wesley: Certainly.

Gunn: Now these lawyers, they brought Darla back as human. Now this Drusilla vamp goes and bites Darla?

Wesley: So it would seem.

Gunn: Making her a vampire again.

Wesley: That's the cosmological upshot, yes. Darla's human self has died, and some time before dawn, unless Angel can stop it, she will rise again, a soulless demon.

Gunn: So that means...

Wesley: Clock is ticking.

Gunn: No, no, what I'm sayin' is, that means the granddaughter remade the grandmother.

Wesley: Oh. Yes.

Gunn: Man, somehow that weirds me out more than the whole blood-suckin' thing.

Drusilla: I saw you coming, my lovely. The moon showed me. It told me to come into the twentieth century.

Angel: It's the twenty-first century, Dru.

Drusilla: Hmm, well I'm still lagging.

[Drusilla prepares a sleeping Darla for her rebirth as a vampire.]

Drusilla: [sings] Run and catch, run and catch, the lamb is caught in the blackberry patch.

Cordelia: Hitting the pause button, Wolfram & Hart? As in, vampire detectors, crack security system and armed guards? Good plan, General Custer!

Angel: I can crush the life out of you before they even lift a finger.

Holland Manners: Oh, I'm sure you can. Just as sure as I am that you won't.

Angel: Won't I?

Holland: You don't kill humans.

Angel: You don't qualify. You set things in motion, play your little games up here in your glass and chrome tower, and people die. Innocent people.

Holland: And yet I just can't seem to care. But you do. And while you're making threats, wasting time, crashing through windows, your girls are out painting the town red, red, red.

Drusilla: Ooh. I'm ringing. - Do you hear it? I'm ringing - all - over!

[Darla grabs the phone from Drusilla's cleavage]

Drusilla: Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

Holland Manners: Ladies. How...?

Darla: Your wife was kind enough to invite us in, Holland.

Holland Manners: Ah.

Drusilla: Very sweet, she was. Like clover.

[licking blood of her lips]

Drusilla: And honey.

Darla: Just think of it as our way of giving you what you want.

Holland Manners: What would I...?

Darla: I believe you said something about...

[Darla and Drusilla change faces.]

Darla: ...a massacre.

Drusilla: You have beautiful skin.

Lilah Morgan: I moisturize.

Drusilla: That was very thoughtful of you.

Darla: Gung ho, are they? Because all I'm sensing right now is big, stinky, fear. [To Lindsey] But not from you.

[Angel arrives as Darla and Drusilla prepare to massacre a Wolfram & Hart office party.]

Lilah: For God's sake, help us!

Holland Manners: Angel, please. People are going to die.

Angel: And yet, somehow, I just can't seem to care.

[Angel exits and locks the door from the outside.]

Redefinition

[Angel has just fired Cordelia, Gunn and Wesley]

Cordelia: What just happened? Can someone explain to me what just happened here?

Wesley: I believe we were fired.

Gunn: Canned.

Wesley: Let go.

Gunn: Axed.

Wesley: Shown the door.

Gunn: Booted.

Cordelia: All right! I get it. But... what just... happened?

Gunn: Hey, I got a rep to maintain, all right? I can't have y'all seeing through my brusque and macho exterior.

Cordelia: Oh, heavens forbid!

Wesley: Well, how is the man supposed to run a business if his employees won't follow directives?

Gunn: Well, was one of his directives, "Hire pansy-ass British guys"?

Wesley: My arse is not pansy.

...

[Later, with the group more inebriated.]

Wesley: Hypocrite!

Cordelia: Ass-pansy!

Drusilla: Dead already? Bad soldiers!

Blood Money

[Angel pays Lilah a visit in her car.]

Angel: Lilah. I just had to drop by and congratulate you on your big promotion. Co-vice president of the special projects. Wow. That's super. You deserve it. Yeah. That and.. so much more.

Lilah: Angel..

Angel: But you know what the real special part is? To think that maybe in a small way I helped make it happen for you. Makes me feel all good inside.

Happy Anniversary

[Angel is roused from bed by someone belting out "The Star-Spangled Banner".]

Angel: Is there a reason you're here?

the Host : There is. What's today, Thursday? Tomorrow night the world's gonna end. Thought you might wanna know.

[Wesley, Cordelia, and Gunn are huddled miserably in their derelict new office.]

Virginia: [entering with a basket] Hey, Wow! This place is great. I brought champagne. You guys must be so excited... [takes in their looks] in that really dry, suicidal way.

Wesley: [kisses her] Sorry, sweetheart. You just caught us in a moment of ... well ...

Cordelia: Reality.

Virginia: Oh, that. I avoid that.

Gunn: How do you avoid reality?

Virginia: Money. It cures everything but boredom. [holds up basket] And food cures boredom, so there you go. Imported chips and packets of cheese.

Gunn: Thanks.

Wesley: We'll enjoy them huddled around our pathetic candles.

Cordelia: We'll make pathetic nachos.

Virginia: You guys are really down.

Gunn: Yeah. And don't try to tell us there's no way to go but up, 'cause the truth is, there's always more down.

Gene Rainey: In Newton's world, space and time are separate entities. In Einstein's, they're entwined.

Val: "Einstein's — entwined." Can you say that ten times, really fast?

[Karaoke is Angel's only clue about the potential world-destroyer.]

Angel: Seventeen karaoke bars... you know, I need to lie down and scrub out the inside of my head.

[Lorne was telling Angel what he saw in the future of Gene Rainey, the physicist when Gene was singing.]

the Host : The most remarkable thing about him was that there was absolutely nothing remarkable about him at all.

Lorne : It's like a song, now I can hold a note for a long time, actually I can hold a note forever. But eventually that's just noise. It's the change we're listening for. The note coming after and the one after that, that's what makes it music.

The Thin Dead Line

Gunn: All right, here's the plan. I want y'all to roll the camera and wait for the cops to start hassling us.

Anne: How do you know they will?

Gunn: 'Cause we'll be the ones walking while black!

Reprise

Angel: What is 'it' and how do I stop it?

Lorne: I don't know and you don't.

Angel: Can it be killed?

Lorne: Most anything that can manifest in order to move in this dimension can be killed. Kinda the down side of being here. That and the so-called 'musicals' of Andrew Lloyd Webber. (With a sigh) The band of Blacknil. Don't ask me what it means. I don't know. I shouldn't even be giving you that much.

Cordelia: I don't even know what you are anymore

Angel: I'm a vampire. Look it up!

Holland Manners: Congratulations. Great victory.

Angel: You're...

Holland: Holland Manners.

Angel: ...not alive.

Holland: Oh, no. I'm quite dead. [shows Angel the bite mark Darla left on his neck] Unfortunately my contract with Wolfram & Hart extends well beyond that. [smiles] Hop on in. You certainly earned it.

[Angel enters the elevator]

Holland: Well, this is exciting, isn't it? Going straight to the source. So what's the big plan, Angel? Destroy the Senior Partners, smash Wolfram & Hart once and for all?

Angel: Something like that.

Holland: Hmm, now tell me just what do you think that would accomplish? In the end, I mean.

Angel: It'll be–the end.

Holland: Well, the end of you, certainly. But I meant in the larger sense.

Angel: In the larger sense, I really don't give a crap.

Holland: Now, I don't think that's true. Be honest–you got the tiniest bit of "give a crap" left. Otherwise you wouldn't be going on this kamikaze mission. Now let me see, there was something in a sacred prophecy, some oblique reference to you. Something you're supposed to prevent. Now what was that?

Angel: The apocalypse.

Holland: Yes, the apocalypse, of course. Another one of those. Well, it's true, we do have one scheduled. And I imagine if you were to prevent it you would save a great many people. Well, you should do that then. Absolutely! I wasn't thinking. [smiles] Of course, all those people you save from that apocalypse would then have the next one to look forward to, but hey, it's always something, isn't it?

Angel: You're not gonna win.

Holland: Well...no. Of course we aren't. We have no intention of doing anything so prosaic as "winning". [laughs]

Angel: Then why?

Holland: Hmm? I'm sorry, why what?

Angel: Why fight?

Holland: That's really the question you should be asking yourself, isn't it? See, for us, there is no fight. Which is why winning doesn't enter into it. We...go on, no matter what. Our firm has always been here...in one form or another. The Inquisition. The Khmer Rouge. We were there when the very first cave man clubbed his neighbor. See, we're in the hearts and minds of every single living being. And that, friend, is what's making things so difficult for you. See, the world doesn't work in spite of evil, Angel. It works with us. It works because of us.

[elevator comes to a stop and the doors open, revealing Los Angeles]

Holland: Welcome to the home office.

Angel: This isn't...

Holland: Oh, you know it is. You know that better than anyone. Things you've seen. Things you've–well, done. You see, if there wasn't evil in every single one of them out there–why, they wouldn't be people. They'd all be angels.

[Angel slowly walks out of the elevator]

Holland: Have a nice day.

Epiphany

Angel: Oh, God.

Darla: Don't fight it, my love. Just let it happen. It'll only hurt for a minute.

Angel: Oh, God. Oh, God.

Darla: Yes. Yes, I know. It was the same for me. The soul is gone, but it leaves a bitterness. It'll pass. What you need is a fresh kill. Hot human blood will wash away the foul memory of it. I promise. What? What is it?

Angel: You saved me.

Darla: Yes. But I was going to kill you tonight. Take you out of this world, the same way I brought you into it. But I didn't have to. You gave yourself over so completely, Angelus. I felt you surrender.

Angel: I gave you everything I had left.

Darla: Yes.

Angel: I'm so sorry.

Darla: You don't have to be.

Angel: But I am. I am sorry.

Darla: What?

Angel: I'm sorry Darla.

Darla: [Realizes]No!

Angel: You saved me. Sorry I couldn't do the same for you.

Darla: Let go of me! You still have a soul!

Angel: [To Darla] Get dressed and get out! Because the next time I see you, I will kill you.

[There's a knock at Lorne's door.]

Lorne: Jeez, keep your pants on! [opens to reveal Angel, who just had sex with Darla] Well, I see we're a little late with that advice.

Gunn: So you had an epiphany, did you?

Angel: Yeah.

Gunn: So ... what? You just wake up, and 'bang'?

Angel: Sort of the other way around.

Gunn: Where's Cordy?

Wesley: We don't know. Not here.

Gunn: You check her pad?

Angel: I stopped by there earlier.

Gunn: You enjoying your visit to 1973? I meant her message pad.

Angel: Oh right, that's a good idea. [Picks up a pencil] Oh, here. Use this you can make a rubbing of the impressions she left, see what the last thing was that she wrote.

Gunn: Or we could just read the carbon.

Angel: [Drops the pencil] Or you can do that.

Angel: Guys, guys. Does it make sense that she would go there in the middle of the night, without calling either one of you?

Wesley and Gunn: They owe us money.

Angel: Let's go.

Kate: I feel like such an idiot.

Angel: A lot of that going around.

Kate: I just couldn't ... My whole life has been about being a cop. If I'm not a part of the force, it's like nothing I do means anything.

Angel: It doesn't.

Kate: Doesn't what?

Angel: Mean anything. In the greater scheme, in the big picture, nothing we do matters. There's no grand plan, no big win.

Kate: You seem kind of chipper about that.

Angel: Well ... I guess I kind of worked it out. If there's no great glorious end to all this, if ... nothing we do matters ... then all that matters is what we do. 'Cause that's all there is. What we do. Now. Today. I fought for so long for redemption, for a reward, finally, just to beat the other guy. But I never got it.

Kate: Now you do?

Angel: Not all of it. All I want to do is help. I want to help because I don't think people should suffer as they do, because if there's no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world.

Kate: Yikes. Sounds like you've had an epiphany.

Angel: That's what I keep saying, but nobody's listening.

Disharmony

Wesley: Well, I'm unaware of any red bird statuary in downtown Los Angeles, so unless you are I suggest.. (Harmony pops another bubble) *someone* put a *stake* through that woman's heart if she persists in popping her bloody chewing gum!

Cordelia: Harmony, do me a favor, lose the gum.

Harmony: Okay, okay! Sorry. I thought it would help with the cravings.

(Rips a page out of the book Wesley was looking at earlier and spits her gum into it)

Harmony: I mean, you'd think I'd get a thank you for not biting any of you.

(Wesley snatches the crumpled page from her).

Wesley: *What* are you doing!?! This book is twelve centuries old!

Harmony: Okay. So it's not like I messed up a new one.

(Angel pours Harmony some blood)

Angel: Here we go. That's it. Drink up.

Harmony: Eww! Yech! It tastes funky.

Angel: It's pig's blood.

Harmony: Ugh, well, that's gonna go straight to my hips. (Sighs) How do you stand this?

Angel: You get used to it.

Harmony: I mean how do you stand everything? Being what you are, how can you deprive yourself of the taste? The sensation of rich, warm, human blood flowing into your mouth, bathing your tongue, caressing your throat with its sweet, sticky...

Gunn: (entering) I'm back!

Angel: Me too.

Angel: Man, atonement's a bitch.

Willow: Okay, we are clear on the fact that Harmony's a vampire, right?

Cordelia: Ohhh! Harmony's a vampire! That's why she- Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. All this time I thought she was a great big lesbo. (Pauses, most likely listening to Willow's news that she is in a relationship with a girl) Oh... good for you then.

Cordelia: Come on, Harm.

Wesley: Such a fitting nickname.

Wesley: Time and space. Those are the only solutions in a situation like this. And as long as we understand that, the healing process...

(Cordelia screams in the next room. She comes in holding clothes, ecstatically happy)

Cordelia: Oh my God! These are gorgeous! You have the most amazing taste, like a gay man's taste and thats saying a lot. I love them so much (hugs and kisses Angel) Thank you, thank you, you're the best. I have to go try these on. La la la! (Jumping with happiness) New clothes. I have new clothes.

Angel: (To an annoyed Wesley) I got her new clothes.

Dead End

Angel: Keep the change.

Delivery Man: Wow, a whole dollar just for me. I'm the luckiest Delivery Man ever.

Lilah Morgan: Could you stab me in the back a little deeper? I still have feeling in my legs.

Lindsey: What are you doing here?

Angel: Gee, I don't know, saving your life.

Lindsey: I don't need you to save my life.

Angel: Gee a little gratitude Lindsey goes a long way.

Lindsey: You got no business. Why? Why aren't you trying to kill me?

Angel: Excuse me, I'm on a case here Lindsey. Does everything have to be about killing you all the time?

Parole Officer: I can see that you guys got issues. I'll just- (Angel chokes him)

Lindsey: That is my lead. You are choking my lead.

Angel: He's my lead, he's my lead. What are we in the schoolyard here? Look if you want to get to the bottom of this you gotta learn how to play with others. Okay look, I'm gonna loosen the rope and your gonna tell me all about your parole Bradley Scott.

Lindsey: Who?

Angel: The guy whose hand your wearing. You might want to listen up.

Lindsey: You don't tell me what to do.

Angel: He's so immature.

Lindsey: (shouting) Shut up!

Lindsey: You could've had it. But you didn't have what it takes... an evil hand. I mean, come on. Who here does, huh? Leon doesn't. Charlie doesn't. You do know you gave me an evil hand, right? I've been writing "kill, kill, kill" on everything. It's crazy. It's crazy. Anything could happen!

Nathan: [signaling security guard] Allen?

Lindsey: Allen, how are you? [punches him and steals his gun] Uh-oh! [shoots guard in the foot] Oh, that's gonna hurt in the morning. Stop it, evil hand, stop it! I just can't control my evil hand. Nathan, I'm so proud that you chose me. [rubs a co-worker's hair] Charlie! If I would have been in your shoes, I would have chosen Lilah. Let me tell you why. Do you have any idea of the hours this chick has logged in? Huh? The files she has on you guys? Deep stuff. Ronnie, your stock manipulations. Nathan's little offshore accounts. Can you imagine if something were to happen to this girl, and those files got back to the Senior Partners? They'd eat you alive! She's been working overtime, boys. She's everything you ever dreamed of. Lilah is your guy. Me, I'm unreliable. I've got these evil hand issues. And I'm bored with this crap. And besides, I'm leaving, so if you wanna chase me, be my guest. But remember - [holds up his hand] evil. Good luck. [gooses Lilah on the way out, and holds up his hand] Evil!

Angel: I'm just here to say Bon Voyage and don't come back.

Lindsey: To LA, nah, you can have this place.

Angel: Good, I'm glad I didn't have to do something immature here.

Lindsey: The key to Wolfram & Hart, don't let them make you play their game. You gotta make them play yours.

Angel: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Don't drive too fast. Lot of cops out there. (Lindsey drives away with a "Cops Suck" sign on the back of his truck.)

Belonging

[Lorne startles a woman in the library.]

Claire: You.. You're.. here for the children's reading program.

Lorne: Yes. Yes I am.

Claire: It's not until tomorrow morning.

Lorne: I know. I never perform without checking out the space first. Get a feel for the room.

Claire: Oh. Well. The kids will flip over your costume. It looks so authentic.

Lorne: Thank you.

Claire: Except for the horns. But those are probably hard to fake.

Lorne: If you only knew.

[Wesley and Angel just came back from fighting a Haklar.]

Cordelia: How was the big fight? All big and fighty?

Wesley: We managed to kill the Haklar just as it was about to devour a group of power walkers.

Angel: It was horrible.

Cordelia: I know. I saw it in my stupid vision, remember?

Angel: No, not the Haklar, the power walkers. I mean, walking I get, but power walking? Why not just run for a shorter time?

[Cordelia looks at Angel strangely.]

Angel: Weird. Plus, one of them hit him. (Points to Wesley, whose forehead is injured.)

Cordelia: (gasps) A power walker did that?

Wesley: Apparently, she felt I'd disrespected the Haklar's culture by killing it.

Cordelia: This town sucks.

Over the Rainbow

Lorne: Just remember, keep your head down. Xenophobia, kind of a watchword where I'm from.

Gunn: I don't get it. Why are they afraid of Xena? I mean, I think she's kinda fly.

Wesley: Xenophobia. Fear of foreigners.

Gunn: Oh. Can we forget I just said that?

Lorne: They need the hotspot because they're going to Pylea, my home dimension.

Agnes: And you're not going with them?

Lorne: Hey. I'd rather have a hydrochloric acid facial. I'd rather invite a hive of wasps to nest in my throat. I'd rather sit through a junior highschool production of "Cats". You see where I'm going with this?

Agnes: Not Pylea?

Lorne: Exactomundo.

Angel: Who do we know who has handcuffs?

Wesley: Well, I [pauses, as he was about to say, "do"] ..wouldn't know.

Lorne: How you holding up?

Angel: Oh, I want to go bad. I'm just waiting for Wes to have that Eureka moment.

Wesley: (from the other room) EUREKA!

Angel: Jeez. Oh, thank god.

Lorne: You mean he actually says Eureka?

Angel: [standing in the Pylean sunlight] Can everyone just notice how much fire I'm not on?

Through the Looking Glass

[In Pylea, Angel tries to reason with an escaped slave from earth's dimension.]

Fred: Can't get back. There is no back.

Angel: No, there is. If we can open the portal....

Fred: The portal! She fell through the portal!

Angel: Who did?

Fred: That other girl. I couldn't save her. I was arrested. They got her. She's a slave. She'll die!

Angel: Oh, Cordy. No, she's fine. They made her a princess.

Fred: They… really? Oh. When I got here they… they didn't do that. Well. That's nice for her.

Lorne: Say mom, when I disappeared, did you notice anything...odd?

Lorne's mother: We noticed much feasting and celebration. Your brother Numfar performed the dance of joy for three moons . [shouts to a boy in the background] Numfar! Do the dance of joy.

Lorne: Well, you're just a regular Hans Christian Tarantino, aren't you?

[Wesley and Gunn have been captured and are about to be executed .]

Gunn: I've got a plan.

Wesley: Oh thank god! What is it?

Gunn: We die horribly and painfully. You go to hell, and I spend eternity in the arms of Baby Jesus.

Cordelia: Off with their heads!...kidding!

There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb

Fred: Bad things always happen here.

Gunn: Those men you sent to create a diversion are going to get killed.

Wesley: Yes, they are.

[pause]

Wesley: You try not to get anybody killed, you wind up getting everybody killed.

[As Angel and the Groosalugg battle, Cordelia steps between them.]

Cordelia: Stop! I love him!

Angel: You love me?

Cordelia: Not you, dumb-ass! Him!

Angel [quietly]: I mean, as a friend, and co-worker...

Cordelia: (To Groosalug) You're in charge now. And you've got a long road ahead. Slavery has ended but reconstruction has just begun.

Groo: What is this "Reconstruction?"

Cordelia: Gunn, you wanna field this?

Gunn: It means. Saying people are free, don't make em free. You've got races that hate each other. You got some folks getting work they don't want. Others losing the little they had. You're looking at social confusion, economic depression and probably some riots. Good luck.

Cordelia: You'll do fine.

Groo: It worries me… But not as much as... Do you have to go majesty?

Cordelia: I don't want to. I'm really gonna miss your eyes, and the "majesty" thing. But I have a job to do back home. It was really fun being your princess. (she kisses him)

Crowd: (bowing as Cordelia walks by) Your majesty.

Wesley: Should people be bowing in a free society?

Cordelia: These things take time.

[A.I com back from Pylea and finds Willow sitting at the Hotel with a sad and seious look on her face]

Angel: Willow?

Cordelia: What's...?

Angel: It's Buffy.

Heartthrob

Wesley: I realize we sacrifice a great deal of our social lives, but we have to. Work demands it.

Gunn: True. I mean who's got time for love when you're out there, doin' it with the demons. (with regretful look) Didn't that come out sad and wrong.

Gunn: Hmm, Angel and a bunch of monks in the middle of nowhere. There's a party. He should have got hammered and gone to Vegas like I told him.

Wesley: He doesn't need a lap dance, he needs some peace and quiet to work through this.

[lengthy fight between Angel and robed men]

Villager: What happened?

Angel: Demon monks. Shoulda gone to Vegas.

Fred: I came out of my room. Small steps, just like you said.

Angel: Go to your room and stay there!

Fred: Okay.

Angel: What's your version of love? "It's not real unless it kills me"?

James: What's yours? "It's fun as long as it doesn't cost me anything"? You think you won because you're still alive? I lived. You just existed.

[Turns to dust]

Darla: Well, you know what they say... life's full of surprises.

[Darla leaves the bar revealing her incredibly pregnant belly.]

That Vision Thing

Angel: Fred! Good to see you out and about.

Fred: It is isn't it. Out and about. I've been forkin' with Gunn.

Gunn: Five herb shops in Chinatown; we've been to four. How come whatever we're searching for is always in the last place we look?

Wesley: I suppose it's one of the unwritten laws of being a dick. Uh, um, sleuth, a gumshoe, Sherlock.

Gunn: All I know is you use the word dick again, and we're gonna have a problem. So what's the name of this place anyway?

Wesley: Van Hoa Dong.

Cordelia: I'm right as rain.

Fred: I never understood that saying-right as rain. How is rain right? Or wrong for that matter? Okay, I suppose if there's a flood it's wrong, and speaking of floods, or just being overwhelmed, what's it like to have a vision?

Cordelia: Wow. Y'know, next to you, I am downright linear.

Wesley: The Host reads people's auras to set them on their path, in some shape or form that connects them to the Powers that Be. I'm thinking...

Angel: Sure, he might be able to reverse the process. That he might be able to use Cordelia in order to 'trace the call' back to the Powers.

Lorne: WAY outside my area of expertise, I should caution. But hey, who knew William Shatner could sing? (He laughs, glances at a horribly disfigured Cordelia, and awkwardly stops) Okay. Bad example.

Lilah: There's a young man who's been unfairly imprisoned. And you're going to save him. Isn't that what you do? Save people? You'll need those items to succeed.

Angel: I see. I do this for you and you stop sending Cordy the killer visons.

Lilah: No, you'll do this because I tell you to.

Darla: You're a difficult man to find, señor. Do you know why I'm here? You are my last hope. I've been told you're very powerful, very wise. I've tried everything and I can't get rid of it. So, I ask you: What is this thing growing inside of me, and how is it possible?

Shaman: The Father is also a...?

Darla: Vampire? Yes. Though not a very good one.

Shaman: I will need some blood.

Darla: Well... I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

[The Shaman pauses]

Darla: Men are such babies.

[Darla cuts her hands.]

Shaman: This has never failed me.

[The Shaman places his hands on Darla's belly and has a major reaction.]

Shaman: I cannot help you. No man can. This is not meant to be known.

Darla: Yeah, yeah. Like I haven't heard that before. Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do. Time to go visit Daddy.

That Old Gang of Mine

[Fred is onstage at a karaoke bar, singing "Crazy".]

Cordelia: I swear, she picked out the song herself.

Wesley: [to Rondell] If you don't mind, I'd prefer a clean kill. The last time I was merely wounded. It took months to heal. Wounded, if I recall, in an attempt to help you.

Cordelia: Look, this is really urgent. I know Lorne pays you to cast this spell. What will it take for you to lift it?

Transuding Sisters: (in sequence) This is not a debt you can pay.

Cordelia: (insulted) You don't know that. My credit has been very good this last year.

Transuding Sisters: (in sequence) Only Angel is equipped to make good on this debt.

Cordelia: Angel. (makes raspberry noise) I don't know. You know, for a guy who's a couple of centuries old, not very big with the wise investing. (pause, then understanding) And when you say "equipped", that isn't what you mean, is it?

Transuding Sisters: (together) Mmmm...Angel.

Cordelia: Got it. And eww.

Gunn: No matter what else, I think I proved that you can trust me when I could have killed you and I didn't.

Angel: No. You'll prove that I can trust you when the day comes that you have to kill me — and you do.

Carpe Noctem

Fred: (looking at Cordelia's fashion magazine) Why do girls want to look like that? I spent years in a cave starving, what's their excuse?

Cordelia: (on Fred) She's got the big puppy love. I mean, who wouldn't? You're handsome and brave and heroic, emotionally stunted, erratic, prone to turning evil, and let's face it, a eunuch.

Angel: Hey! How can you...I'm not a eunuch.

Cordelia: Angel, it's just a figure of speech.

Angel: Find another one.

Cordelia: I just mean that sex is a no-no for you because of the whole "if you know perfect bliss you'll turn evil curse." Really no cure for that, is there?

Wesley: (about Angel making out with someone on his desk) This isn't like him.

Cordelia: What? This is totally like him. Doing the mystery dance with some cheap blonde?

Fred: Brunette. She was a cheap brunette.

Cordelia: You're right. This isn't like him.

Fredless

Cordelia: Lemme break it down for you, Fred.

Cordy [as Buffy]: Oh, Angel, I know that I am a Slayer, and you're a vampire and it would be impossible for us to be together, but—

Wesley [as Angel]: But... my gypsy curse sometimes prevents me from seeing the truth. Oh, Buffy...

Cordy [as Buffy]: Yes, Angel?

Wesley [as Angel]: I love you so much, I almost forgot to brood.

Cordy [as Buffy]: And just because I sent you to Hell that one time doesn't mean that we can't just be friends.

Wesley [as Angel]: Or possibly more?

Cordy [as Buffy]: Gasp! No! We mustn't!

Wesley [as Angel]: Kiss me!

Cordy [as Buffy]: Bite me!

Angel: [entering] How 'bout you both bite me?

Fred: You're back!

Gunn: How'd it go?

Angel: I think those two pretty much summed it up.

Cordelia: (on Fred's invention) God, I really wish she wouldn't leave her toys laying around.

Gunn: Ooh, pretty wicked looking toy.

Wesley: I'll say. It almost looks like a spring-loaded decapitation device.

Cordelia: Or it makes toast. With her you never know.

Mr. Burkle: And to think, we were wondering when to call the police on a bunch of superheroes.

Angel: Oh, I'm not really a hero.

Gunn: More like a blood-sucking fiend.

Mr. Burkle: Well frankly, Angel, I don't care if you drink pig's blood, cow's blood, or those froofy little imported beers. You saved my little girl.

Angel: Well, I wouldn't have had to if she hadn't gone all Amazonian and whacked that thing with a golf club.

Mr. Burkle: Well, I'll tell you. I haven't seen a stroke like that since Nicklaus took on Gary Player in the '63 - -

Angel and Mr. Burkle: Bob Hope Desert Classic (laugh together like old friends)

Gunn: (after Fred's invention launches an axe through the Durslar beast's head) So. Not a toaster.

Billy

Gunn: [playing a video game] Dead! So dead! So very, very dead. Just how dead are you, huh?

Angel: I'm tired of being the dead one.

Lilah: Cordelia Chase, right? You came here to gloat?

Cordelia: I can do that anywhere. Are you going to invite me in? Oh, wait. I'm not a vampire. (walks in)

Lilah: (sarcastically) Please, come on in.

Cordelia: I want you to tell me about Billy. Everything you didn't tell Angel. I want you to help me stop him.

Lilah: And what makes you think I'm going to do that?

Cordelia: Well, your face, for starters.

Lilah: I know the risks of my job, and I accept them.

Cordelia: Then why were you crying five minutes ago. (Lilah looks surprised) There's not a thing about badly re-applied mascara that I don't know.

Lilah: I am not Lindsay McDonald. I don't switch sides whenever it gets tough. And since when is this your job? I thought Angel was the Dark Revenger.

Cordelia: Angel feels responsible for this guy because he brought him back from hell. I feel responsible because he did it to save me. You, who are actually responsible for the entire thing, feel nothing at all, because you are a vicious bitch.

Lilah: So you know me.

Cordelia: Please, I was you. With better shoes.

Lilah: These are Versace.

Cordelia: Fall collection?

Lilah: Next spring.

Cordelia: He's widened the heel.

Lilah: And rounded the toe.

Cordelia: That won't work with pink.

Lilah: The pink is out this spring.

Cordelia: Billy makes people crazy.

Lilah: Not all people. Just men. He brings out a primal misogyny in them. Turns them into killers.

Cordelia: Then why didn't he do it to Angel?

Lilah: Angel's seen him?

Cordelia: Yes, right before he escaped from the cops. (Lilah laughs) What's so witty?

Lilah: Billy's touch work's differently on different men. Some lose their mind in an instant. Others, can take hours. Gee, I sure hope Angel isn't starting to feel testy.

Cordelia: You better hope it.

Lilah: I know. I've seen his dark side.

Cordelia: You really haven't. (Lilah looks nervous) I have to find Billy.

Lilah: And I'm going to help you why?

Cordelia: You know that guy you hired to hack into my visions? What he did to me? You know what it felt like? I was cut, torn up, my face disfigured and burning with pain every second, not knowing if it was going to end or just get worse until I died.

Lilah: So you think I owe you?

Cordelia: It's not the pain. It's the helplessness. The certainty that there is nothing you can do to stop it. That your life can be thrown away in an instant by someone else. He doesn't care. He'll beat you down until you stay down, because he doesn't even think of you as alive. No woman should ever have to go through that, and no woman strong enough to hold the mantle of vicious bitch would ever put up with it. Where is Billy going?

Cordelia: (to Billy) Actually, I'm feeling superior because I have an arrow aimed at your jugular. And the irony of using a phallic shaped weapon? Not lost on me.

Offspring

Fred: Who's Darla?

Gunn: Angel's old flame, from way back.

Fred: Not the one who died?

Gunn: Yeah. No, not that one, the other one that died and came back to life. She's a vampire.

Fred: Do y'all have a chart or somethin'?

Gunn: In the files. I'll get it for you later.

Angel: [talking about Darla] Where is she?

Wesley: She got away.

Gunn: We tried to stop her by hitting her fists and feet with our faces.

[Angel stares at Cordelia, working up the nerve to confess his feelings for her.]

Cordelia: Why are you looking at me like that?

Angel: Uh . . . no reason.

Cordelia: Okay. It's getting creepy now.

Angel: I was just thinking about things. People. You know, how they relate. Take you and me, for instance. We're very different. Very different. Obviously. [points at Cordy] Human, [points at self] vampire. [points at Cordy] Woman, [points at self] man... pire.

Cordelia: Has someone been putting vodka in your blood?

Angel: [chuckles] See? You're funny! And I, well I get off a good one every once in a while, but you…

Cordelia: Angel, are you trying to say you love me?

Angel: W-What?

Cordelia: I love you too.

Angel: You do? When did this…

Cordelia: [calling into Wesley's office] Angel loves me! I love him!

Angel: Oh, my God!

Cordelia: You guys love us and we love you!

Wesley, Fred, Gunn: [offscreen, in chorus] We love you, Angel!

Cordelia: They were all saying it earlier. Just in case this prophecy comes true and we all die. You're not gonna want a hug, are you?

Angel: [chastened] No.

Quickening

Sahjhan: Have you followed this part of the history? American Revolution, manifest destiny, westward expansion, the Beach Boys?

(voicemail message)

Woman's voice: Hi, you've reached the Tittles. We can't come to the phone right now. If you wanna leave a message for Christine, press one.

Man's voice: For Bentley, press two.

Demon's voice: Or to speak to or worship Master Tarfall, Underlord of pain, press three.

Sahjhan: I'm not a man. - What I mean is...

Holtz: You're not human.

Sahjhan: But clearly masculine. You get that, right?

[Darla starts groaning in pain after Cordelia punches her.]

Cordelia: Oh, come on, tough girl. You're a vampire. A punch in the nose shouldn't hurt that much.

Fred: Not aaow her nose. She's having contractions!

[Darla screams]:

Angel: What is it?

Wesley: It's - it's human.

Gunn: Human as is in humanoid? As in cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers?

Wesley: No - human as in - a boy.

Angel: Boy?

Wesley: A boy. A boy. You're carrying a boy.

Darla: Great.

Angel: Gonna have a son. I'm gonna have a son.

Fred: Guys. As fascinating as an ultra-sound image of an unborn child may appear...

Angel: Me. A father. To a son. You know what that means?

Fred: We're surrounded by vampires?

Angel: No, it's a human bo...

Angel: Darla, you might wanna join the fight.

Darla: Sorry, darling. I'm gonna have to be Switzerland and sit this one out. Now, you did say you were just gonna kill the humans, right?

Vampire: Yes, just the humans. Then we will nourish you, slice you open, wear your entrails as a belt and consume your eyeballs before we worship the miracle child.

Darla: Okay. I'm in.

Lullaby

Fred: That's the tragic beauty of a cosmic convergence. I- I mean, he just plays his own small part. He comes here looking for Angel and Darla, and in the process ends up finding Angel's unborn child. Who, as it turns out, wasn't evil at all as we feared, but was actually meant to be some sort of Messianic figure. But Holtz kills it before it's even born, and his vengeance somehow triggers the end of the world! (pause, off everyone's looks) Or not. It could go either way. Have you thought of a name yet?

Lilah: What does it say about the birth?

Translator: Well actually, it's funny. It doesn't.

Lilah: What do you mean it doesn't? But you said it did.

Translator: Yes, I did say it did.

Lilah: But it doesn't.

Translator: In a way.

Lilah: I have a gun.

Wesley: Now it's up to us to protect Angel's unborn child. Darla, we're trying to take you out of here. Relax. The trick is to breathe. Like this.

[Wesley demonstrates short panting breaths]

Wesley: Heh, heh, heh, hoh, hoh, hoh, heh, heh, heh...

Darla: I... Don't...

[sits up and sends Wesley, Cordelia, Gunn and Fred all flying backwards, away from the car and morphs into her vampface]

Darla: Breathe!

[Cordy, Wes, Fred, and Gunn all sit in the front of the convertible, leaving a very pregnant Darla alone in the back.]

Darla: Doesn't anyone wanna sit back here with me?

Cordelia: We're good.

Charles: Yeah, it's, comfy.

Darla: I promise I won't throw anyone out of the car. Not while it's moving.

Fred: It's not that we don't trust you. I mean, we don't trust you, but, the fact is, your water broke all over the back seat.

Darla: Oh.

Darla: I wanna say I'm sorry. I wanna say it and mean it, but - I can't. - Aren't you gonna tell me it's okay?

Angel: No.

Darla: No? It's really not, is it? We did so many terrible things together. So much destruction, so much - pain. - We can't make up for any of it. You know that, don't you.

Angel: (beat) Yeah.

Darla: This child - Angel, it's the one good thing we ever did together. (Angel lifts Darla's hand between both of his and pressed it against his lips.) The only good thing. (Angel buries his face in his hands, still holding onto Darla's, takes a sobbing breath.) The only good thing. You make sure to tell him that.

(stakes herself, and her body crumbles into dust, leaving the crying newborn alive on the alley ground)

Dad

Lilah: Everything's in there?

Gwen: Right down to the baby that wasn't supposed to be born.

Lilah: How do you know about that?

Gwen: I'm Files and Records. It's my job.

Lilah: (flabbergasted) That whole thing is Angel's file?

Gwen: Just the first 35 cabinets.

Lilah: Right. Does China Palace deliver down here?

Gunn: (preparing for the assault) What are you doing?

Wesley: Trying to imagine myself as John Wayne in Rio Bravo. You?

Gunn: Austin Stoker. Assault on Precinct 13. (they high five)

Cordelia: If we live through this, trade in the DVD players and get a life.

Doctor: I'm happy to report you have a healthy baby boy.

Cordelia: Oh, great. But I'm not the mother.

Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry. (turns to Fred) I'm happy to report you have a healthy baby boy.

Fred: Oh. Me neither.

Wesley: I'm afraid the mother is, ah, no longer in the picture.

Doctor: I see. Well, his height and weight are in the ninetieth percentile. We gave him his vitamin K and his PKU and he's doing very well. We don't seem to have his - what's his name?

Angel: (arriving) Connor. His name is Connor.

Doctor: Connor. Thank you. Mr. (looks at the papers) Angel. And congratulations.

Angel: Thanks.

Wesley: Connor. That's a lovely name. I don't suppose you ever considered Wesley?

Fred, Angel and Gunn: No.

(Wesley shrugs)

Birthday

Cordelia: You're - you're - death? You've come to take me.

Skip: [bursts out laughing] Kidding. [Offers hand] I'm Skip. [She doesn't shake it] You're Cordelia Chase, right? [Cordelia nods slightly] Sorry it took me so long, I... [indicates her body] this you? Most people go astral, their spiritual shapes tend to be an idealized version of themselves. You know, straighten the nose, lose the gray, sort of a self-esteem kind of thing. You're pretty confident, aren't ya?

Cordelia: Is this...? This is a Mall.

Skip: We just figured you'd be more comfortable here.

Cordelia: We?

Skip: The Powers That Be.

Cordelia: The Powers That Be popped me out of my body and sent me to a Mall?

Skip: Actually, this is more a construct of a Mall. You know, like in "The Matrix".

Cordelia: You've seen "The Matrix"?

Skip: Oh, love that flick. When Trinity is all 'dodge this' and the agent just crumples to the [Cordelia sighs] and I'm not really instilling any awe anymore, am I?

Skip:Inside every living thing there is a connection to the Powers That Be. Call it instinct, intuition. Deep down we all know our purpose in this world.

Cordelia: Are you saying that, I was meant to be an actress?

Skip: No. I'm saying you were meant to be an incredibly famous and wealthy actress. And the Powers That Be can make that happen.

Cordelia: I want something. Hypo-something. Hypothermia?

Nev: [to phone] Josh, lets get a large tub of ice water to Miss Chase's dressing room, pronto.

Cordelia: [to herself] No, that's not it.

Nev: Cancelling ice water.

Cordelia: Hyper... hyperbaric?

Nev: Josh, make it an oxygen tent.

Cordelia: [to herself] No, that's not it either.

Nev: Canceling tent.

Cordelia: [spins to Nev] Hyperion! That's it!

Nev: The hotel.

Cordelia: Yes. I wanna go there.

Skip: We've been over this. I respect what you're trying to do. It's noble and heroic and all that other Russell Crowe "Gladiator" crap.

Cordelia: You've seen -

Skip: Didn't love it.

Provider

Wesley: [watching Fred with Connor] Adorable.

Gunn: So sweet.

Wesley: I meant the baby.

Gunn: I meant the hot mama.

Angel: Lorne, I need you to use your contacts and find out what Holtz is up to. He's out there somewhere, and we can never forget that. Finding him is our number one priority.

Gunn: I thought you said...

Angel: Finding Holtz and making money are our two number one priorities.

(Cordelia walks by and clears her throat)

Angel: Helping the helpless, finding Holtz, and making money are our three number one priorities.

Wesley: [about his web articles on DNA Fusion Comparisons and Tri-ped Demon Populations] It's an exciting arena.

Lorne: But one I'm sure we can all download at: I'll-never-know-the-love-of-a-woman-dot-com. Can we get down to business?

Angel: Guys, can I say something? Money's important (pauses) but it isn't everything. I got... I got carried away. (looks over at the pile of money) I just never had a life that was totally dependent on me before. But that's no excuse. (looks at the money again) Where was I?

Cordelia: Money's not the most important...

Angel: No, it's not. What's important is family ... and the mission.

Cordelia: (after a long pause and looking at the money) They tried to cut Fred's head off. We earned every penny.

Angel: Hold the baby.

(everyone begins grabbing money furiously)

Waiting in the Wings

Angel: I saw their production of "Giselle" in 1890. I cried like a baby. And I was evil!

[Angel has bought tickets to a ballet instead of a rock concert.]

Gunn: No, this is not Mata Hari. This is tutus and guys with their big-ass packages jumping up and down! This is just — I will never trust you again. The trust is gone.

Cordelia: Oh, get over it. Do we get dressed up?

Angel: Of course.

Cordelia: I'm in.

Angel: Guys, seeing the ballet live, it's... it's like another world. Gunn, these guys are tight, and you're going to be tripping out.

Gunn: Don't be using my own phrases when we've lost the trust.

Fred: We have to find a dress for you. Something that'll make Angel go crazy.

Cordelia: Fred, sweetie, Angel is crazy.

Angel: Back in the day, I'd always get box seats. Or, you know, eat the people who had them.

[A security guard is blocking the only way backstage at the ballet.]

Cordelia: You want I should distract him? Make with the nice-nice while you slip by?

Angel: Don't be stupid. I'm that guy and the most beautiful girl I've ever seen is making eyes at me? It's either a bachelor party or a scam.

Cordelia: What did you just call me?

Angel: I'm sorry. You're not stupid.

Cordelia: No. After that.

Angel: I think I'll just have to go with my patented sudden burst of violence.

Cordelia: Hey, hold on. I think I might have an approach that is a little more subtle.

[A smiling Cordelia approaches the guard.]

Cordelia: Hey! Do you like bribes?

Guard: Do I ever.

[Cordelia holds up a $20.]

Cordelia: Well, we really want to go backstage.

Guard: Yeah, okay, but this isn't so much a bribe as it is a tip, and since I'm not parking your car, there's really no way--

[Angel punches guard in the face.]

Angel: Okay, that's how we do it.

Couplet

Wesley: Why can't you have sex?

Cordelia: Because I could lose my visionity.

Wesley: If you want to play it that way..

Cordelia: VISIONity. The visions. In Pylea the visions were supposed to pass on to Groo if we ever did the royal "com-shuk". How do I know that won't happen here?

Angel: Good point. You really don't.

Wesley: But your recent transformation could have changed all that. It might be possible...

[Angel kicks the table to interrupt]

Angel: Still, you know. Better safe than sorry. You're doing the right thing.

Cordelia: I know. I know. I can't risk it. It's just.. I'm so.. And he's such a.. Don't you think?

[Angel and Wesley start to agree reluctantly]

Cordelia: I mean there's got to be other things we could do to relieve the tension.

Angel: Jogging could be a thing.

Wesley: Or perhaps there's some form of paranormal prophylactic...

Angel: Cause you know, jogging...

Cordelia: I guess we could probably "com" without actually "shuk"ing.

Angel: Well, I don't know. That could be a slippery slope that.. Once you're on that.. That you could.. Slide..

Groo, upon hearing Angel's cellphone

Groosalugg: Angel, your coat is singing.

Wesley: When you knew it was more than just a tryst you should have told me.

Gunn: It happened so fast. The thing just grabbed the guy and he was gone.

Wesley: That's.. That's not what I meant.

Gunn: Oh. You mean.. Well. I'm not so sure that's any of your business.

Wesley: No, you're probably right. Still, she could get hurt. I trust that won't happen.

Gunn: What are you, her brother?

Wesley: Apparently..

Gunn: Wesley, I...

Wesley: She chose. It's just important to me that she's taken care of.

Loyalty

Gunn: I wanna know how he does it. No last name, no bank account. How are you ordering stuff off the web?

Fred: It's not that hard, really. All you have to do is hack into the shipping database, find someone who is ordering what you want, then substitute your information. Except that would just be high-tech robbery.

Angel: I memorized Cordelia's credit card numbers.

Fred: Oh. Low-tech robbery.

[Angel has just bought some mini-Hockey sticks for him and Connor to use when Connor is older]

Angel: Hockey is just a great sport, greatest sport known to man!

Gunn: Dude, Hockey is the WHITEST sport known to man.

Angel: That's as may be, but the games are indoors and usually at night.

Gunn: Oh perfect for you then.

[Wesley asks Angel something to which Angel responds whilst Gunn dribbles the Puck about a bit then shoots at the gap under the weapons cabinet]

Gunn: He shoots...HE SCORES!

Angel: Yeah with no defender...

[Angel and Gunn start having a mini-game, where Angel robs Gunn of the puck, shoots and badly misses, breaking the window]

Angel (embarassed): Yeah well...they're not even regulation size...

Sahjhan: That's it? No 'wow, how did he do that?' No screaming in terror? You twenty first century types are so jaded.

Lilah: You're Sahjhan, aren't you? I may be jaded, but I do my homework. And there's a girl downstairs, she's got records on everything that ever happened. My company rocks.

Holtz: Angelus is in his nature. The beast will re-emerge, you've seen it, you know it and that is why you are here. You're afraid he is going to kill the child.. and you're right.

Wesley: Your infiltration was more succesful than I'd realised.

Holtz: I don't need prophecies to tell me what he's playing. So long as the child remains with the demon, it's not safe.

Wesley: Well I must have misunderstood. Here I thought it was a simple blood vendetta when what you really want is to protect Angel's son.

Holtz: You don't believe me?

Wesley: Hmmm, not sure really. It could be the low scary voice that's giving me trouble.

Sleep Tight

Wesley: I didn't sleep very well.

Angel: Yeah, and you look like hell. Not the fun one where they burn you with hot pokers for all eternity, but the hard core one. You know, Nixon and Britney Spears.

Lilah: Like a cat. Can't hear you. But I'm starting to feel you when you're near. Isn't that nice and creepy? How did you find me?

Angel: Your assistant.

Lilah: I'll have his arms broken.

Angel: Already taken care of.

Sahjhan: You back-stabbing, traitorous bitch. I have a lot of work to do. I can't be in every time/space at once, and here I find you drinking with my sworn enemy.

Angel: Sworn enemy? Really? Have we met? Because I don't remember swearing.

Lilah: Sahjhan, he found me.

Angel: So (glances from Lilah to Sahjhan) you all are in cahoots. Ethereal time-traveling demon, you're the screwball that brought Holtz back. How's that working out? He's not very fond of demons, is he?

Sahjhan: You will learn nothing from me.

Lilah: Other than that you're his sworn enemy, who brought Holtz back, and when that didn't work out, you came to me. Idiot.

Sahjhan: Hey! You think my life is easy? I'm jumping from one dimension to another. I don't always have sound. Sometimes it's just a visual. Saw you two sitting here all chummy.

Sahjhan: You will pay.

Angel: (Confused) For what?

Angel: You ever hear of a time-traveling demon by the name of Sahjhan?

Wesley: No.

Angel: The guy that brought Holtz here. He thinks I'm his sworn enemy. I don't know him from Adam.

Sahjhan: Not all of us. You do not want the child alive. You want the child dead. That was our arrangement.

Lilah: Yeah. I'm a lawyer. Have you met me? We have a new arrangement. I'm keeping the baby.

Sahjhan: You can't do that!

Lilah: (to the commandos) Ignore the loud mouth with the bad skin. He's impotent in this dimension.

Forgiving

White Room Girl: Hello. Angel. Lilah. (to Lilah) Your fingernails are pretty. I love red. (to Angel) You have a taste for red too... and revenge. I know. It's so much more fun than forgiveness. So what's up?

Angel: A demon named Sahjhan has taken my son.

White Room Girl: (condescendingly) Aww, do you want your little baby back? (Lilah holds Angel back) Baby's gone. You want Sahjhan. Nowadays you can walk right through them, but in the past they were something else. They were all about torture and death. You can relate. Well, they caused a lot of trouble. Don't get me wrong. I like trouble. But I don't like chaos. So we changed them.

Angel: You made them immaterial.

White Room Girl: Smart boy. Now they watch, and they can no longer touch.

Angel: How do you capture them?

White Room Girl: Well, there's your special urn. They're expensive and hard to come by, but quite effective. But you don't want his essence in a jar. You want something you can sink your teeth into. You know these things always come with a price. (viciously) Kill her. (Angel reaches to snap Lilah's neck. The little girl giggles and smiles) That's good for now. (Lilah sighs with relief) I can see why they respect you. Now as to your demon made flesh. It's a big ritual, all here (holds out a paper which transports into Angel's hand)

White Room Girl: (smirking) Can't wait to see how it turns out.

Sahjhan: (after Fred hits him with a torch) Do I look like I need more skin problems?

[Angel visits Wesley in the hospital.]

Angel: Hey, Wes. I just — I want you to know I understand why you did it. I know about the prophecies and I know how hard it must have been for you to… do what you did. You thought I was gonna turn evil and kill my son. I didn't. It's important you know that. This isn't Angelus talking. It's me, Angel. You know that, right?

Wesley: [blinks his eyes once]

Angel: Good. [grabs a pillow and shoves it down on Wes' face] Son of a bitch, you're gonna pay for what you did! You took my son! You son of a bitch! You bastard! You think I'd forgive you?! Never! You're gonna die! You hear me? You're gonna pay!

Orderly: [tries to drag Angel off of Wesley] Hey!

Angel: [throws him off] You took my son, YOU TOOK MY SON!

Fred: Stop it!

Angel: You took my son!

Gunn: Angel, stop! [Gunn and the orderlies begin to drag Angel away with success]

Angel: Never! Never!

Gunn: Come on, man! Stop!

Angel: I'll kill you! You're dead! You're a dead man, Pryce! You're dead! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! You're a dead man! Dead! Dead!

Double or Nothing

[Fred visits Wesley in the hospital.]

Fred: I brought you some of your stuff from the office. Things there . . . Well. Things. Gunn and I found your notes about the baby. The prophecy. You took him away cause you thought Angel was gonna kill him. You were trying to protect them. Both of them. I just wanted you to know I understand that. And I also wanted to say I thought what Angel tried to do to you was wrong. And I'm sorry. But he was right to blame you, Wesley. You should have come to us. You should have trusted us instead of going to Holtz behind our back. You were supposed to be our friend and you didn't even . . . If Angel sees you again, he'll kill you, Wesley. This time for real. Don't come back to the hotel. Ever. The prophecy was false. Angel was never gonna hurt Connor. It was all for nothing.

Fred: Don't forget your machete.

Gunn: Yes, dear.

The Groosalugg: He is very fortunate to have such a woman looking after his weapon.

Lorne: [chuckling] I'm not touchin' that one.

The Groosalugg: Hail to you potential client!

Cordy: Wow.

Fred: I know, huh?

Groo: I'm sorry this has come to pass.

Angel: I'm a little confused.

Fred: About what? What was unclear?

Cordy: Well, upstairs you said you thought Gunn was in danger.

Fred: He is!

Cordy: And you think that because...?

Fred: He broke up with me!

Cordy: Oh.

Fred: But not really.

Cordy: Oh. No?

Fred: No!

Groo: That is good. I am relieved.

Fred: No this is worse. Much worse. I wish he had broken up with me.

Cordy: Fred, are you sure he didn't? I mean, those things you said he said to you...

Fred: I know I said he said those things to me, but he would never say those things to me.

Cordy: Those things he said?

Fred: Exactly! That's why I know he's in trouble.

Angel: Let me get this straight. You and Gunn are dating.

Fred: Not any more, I guess!

Cordy: Fred, honey.

Fred: Don't you see? He hurt me. And the only reason he'd do something like that is to protect me from something. And whatever it is, it's gotta be bad, because this hurts like hell.

Angel: Then I guess we better help him. We are not losing another member of this family.

The Price

[The AI team is rebuilding Angel's apartment after an earthquake.]

The Groosalugg: [gravely] Angel... You and I have fought side by side on more than one occasion. Fellow warriors, shoulder to shoulder. By now, my counsel must assuredly hold weight, so I beseech you to heed my words.

Angel: Mmm… oo-kay…

Groo: Pomegranate Mist is the wrong color for this room.

Groo: Summer Splendor is a hue more worthy of a champion. Or, perhaps this unique one called "purpla".

Angel: Purple. Yet you have no problems pronouncing pomegranate.

Groo: It was my mother's name.

Angel: (sarcastically) What are the odds?

Cordelia: (about the pentagram) Oh, I give up. I tried soaking it out, tried scrubbing it out. No question, we've got ring around the lobby. I say we toss in the towel and buy a big-ass throw rug. Who's with me?

Cordelia: I know you don't want to talk about it but you don't mess with dark magics and expect to just walk away like it doesn't matter.

Angel: Doesn't matter. It was a waste of time.

Cordelia: Still, I should probably know what kind of spell it was. You know there's almost always some cosmic price to using primordial powers. There could be repercussions. And you know the one person who might be able to help us with that isn't around any more.

[Angel gives her a stare.]

Cordelia: Not going there. Just saying..

[Angel walks away.]

Cordelia: You can run away and avoid talking about this but you know as well as I do: stuff we do in the past usually comes back to bite us in our respective assi and what you did...

Angel: Okay, so maybe I wasn't thinking too clearly. I mean I was drunk for awhile there, drunk in my own son's blood, slipped into my food by the good folks at Wolfram and Hart. And my head was little clouded with rage over a trusted friend stealing my child from me.. Damn it Cordelia, you got me talking about this.

Connor:[After arriving through The Portal]Hi, Dad.

A New World

Fred: You went to Wesley's for me. He's the one who told you how to save me.

Gunn: Yeah. He made it clear. That's a door none of us is ever going to be knocking on again.

Wesley: Dante's Divine Comedy.

Lilah: Actually, it's just part one. The Inferno. It's not a first edition. More like the 1500s. But it is in the original Tuscan. Have you read it?

Wesley: Several times.

Lilah: Then you know it's a guided tour of the underworld. The nine levels of hell.

Wesley: Yes, descending, concentric rings based on the severity of the sin.

Lilah: You know, I always forget. At the very bottom of hell, in the ninth circle, the devil's frozen in ice, right? He's got three heads, three mouths, and these mouths are reserved for the worst sinners. I can't remember, who is in the center mouth? What was his name? The one person in all of human history who was deemed the greatest sinner. Who is it?

Wesley: Judas Iscariot.

Lilah: Right. The worst spot in hell is reserved for those who betray... So don't pretend you're too good to work for us.

Gunn: Couple weeks ago, he was wearin' diapers. Now he's a teenager?

Cordelia: Tell me we don't live in a soap opera.

Groosalugg: Princess, perhaps your newfound powers can seal it shut.

Cordelia: Can't hurt to try.

[raises her hands]

Cordelia: I command you close!

[nothing happens]

Chase: Okay, I got nothin'.

Groosalugg: Is it dangerous? For Gunn and I can protect you.

Lorne: Well, no, it's not dangerous, it's just awkward. This guy's all hands. I mean, all hands, like fifty of 'em. Anybody fluent in sign language?

Benediction

Fred: Okay. So he survived an unspeakable hell dimension. Who hasn't? You -- you can't just leave him alone in the streets of Los Angeles!

(Connor enters the motel room, carrying a newspaper and junk food from the now broken vending machine)

Connor: I found food in a big metal box outside. - Dad?

Holtz: Oh, good boy. You got it. Now. Let's have a look at the date.(Stares at the paper mutely for a moment)Days. We've been gone only days.

Fred: Looks like we've been following Angel's son's emissions the whole time!

Gunn: Now there's a sentence I don't ever need to hear again.

Fred: But this is good, right? It means there was no big scary that came out of the portal...

(Sees Holtz)

Gunn: How 'bout a short scary?

Lorne: Oh, hey, kiddo. I didn't see you there. You looking for your dad? Come on. He's upstairs. I'll show you the room. - This way.

Connor: I'm not going anywhere with you, demon.

Lorne: I'll tell you what, since you were raised in a hell dimension by a psychopath, and since that happens to be a topic that I know a little something about, we'll just let that slide. Now I'll fetch your pop for you.

Connor: Filthy demon.

Lorne: Actually, that's UNCLE filthy demon to you. It wasn't that long ago - like a week - I was changing your diapers, you little...

Angel: You want me to say I'm sorry? How can I? It wouldn't mean a thing.

Holtz: It would mean a little. Not much, but it would be something.

Angel: Then I'm sorry. For whatever little it might mean. It's all I've got.

Tomorrow

Angel: I don't even own a TV. He's gonna wanna watch TV. Not too much, I mean, after homework and chores. He's gonna need clothes, weekly allowance... What's good nowadays? Fifty cents, a dollar?

Cordelia: Yeah. If you're Tom Sawyer painting the fence.

Angel: See? I'm so out of touch.

Cordelia: Well, what about rebuilding your club here?

Lorne: Well, that's a great idea, pixiecat, except every time I do, you all seem to destroy it.

Cordelia: It was only (pauses and looks ashamed) three times.

Groosalugg: Might I further relieve you by at first gently and then more rapidly rubbing your schlug-tee?

Cordelia: Uh, I don't really, um... Maybe later at home. [whispers] I don't feel comfortable doing it in the office, Groo.

Groosalugg: Doing it?

Cordelia: Sex.

Groosalugg: [too loudly] Oh, you wish to have sex!

Cordelia: What? No! Shh!

Groosalugg: I was proposing a massage of your schlug-tee. Your tense neck muscle. But, it is always an honor to make sex with you! [whispers] Later at home. I understand perfectly.

Angel: I found Holtz.

Cordelia: And?

Angel: I didn't kill him.

Cordelia: Maybe you're growing as a person.

Angel: Someday you'll learn the truth, and you'll hate yourself. Don't. It's not your fault. I don't blame you.

Connor: Liar!

Angel: Listen to me. I love you. Never forget that. (shouting now as the coffin is sealed) Connor! Never forget that I'm your father, and I love you.

Deep Down

Lorne: Back in Pylea, they used to call me 'sweet potato'.

Connor: Really?

Lorne: Yeah, well, the exact translation was 'fragrant tuber', but...

Wesley: To family.

Angel: To family.

Lorne: As long as it's not mine.

Angel: So, how was your summer? Mine was fun. Saw some fish, went mad with hunger, hallucinated a whole bunch.

Angel: What you did to me… was unbelievable, Connor. But then, I got stuck in a hell dimension by my girlfriend one time for a hundred years, so three months under the ocean actually gave me perspective. Kind of a M. C. Esher perspective — but I did get time to think. About us, about the world. Nothing in the world is the way it ought to be. It's harsh, and cruel. But that's why there's us. Champions. It doesn't matter where we come from, what we've done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You're not a part of that yet. I hope you will be. I love you, Connor. Now get out of my house.

Angel: I need Cordy, now. Wherever she is, whatever she's going through, we have to find her. [panning out to the sky]

Cordelia: [glowing among other higher beings] God, I am so bored.

Ground State

Lilah: Look, Angel, I know you've been out of the loop for a while, but I'm still evil. I don't do errands. Unless they're evil errands.

Angel: I think you'll do this one.

Lilah: Why? What's in it for me?

Angel: Just this once, I'll ignore the fact that you're within 50 yards of my son. Just this once.

Wesley: I don't need to hear your evil plans.

Lilah: No, it just turns you on, knowing I have them.

Wesley: Shut up, Lilah.

Lilah: Make me.

[Angel and Gunn are using a rope to climb up the side of a building.]

Gunn: Damn! This is so much harder than it looks on Batman.

Angel: Who are you?

Gwen: Who are you?

Angel: I asked you first.

Gwen: What are you, seven?

Angel: Tell me you're not here for the Axis.

Gwen: I'm not here for the Axis.

Angel: You're lying.

Gwen: I'm fibbing. It's lying, only classier.

The House Always Wins

Cordelia: Oh my god? You can hear me? I so love you.

[Lorne is the headline act at a Las Vegas casino.]

Gunn: Nobody seems to be bothered by the fact that he's a demon.

Fred: They must think it's all makeup, like the Blue Man Group. You don't think… the Blue Man Group…

Angel: Only two of them.

Angel: This place was so much friendlier when the mob ran it.

Slouching Toward Bethlehem

[Wesley and Lilah are laying in bed, sleepily chatting.]

Wesley: So Angel knows about our relationship. Big deal.

Lilah: A dollar! You owe me a dollar!

Wesley: Oh, damn!

Lilah: You called this a 'relationship'. [sing-song voice] You lost the be-et. You said it fir-irst. [Wesley hands her a dollar] Sign it first, as proof.

Wesley: Proof of what?

Lilah: Of now. Of this. [she nuzzles his nose; they kiss]

Cordelia: That's everything? It all makes perfect sense now. I was a cheerleader, a princess and a warrior. And I have visions and super powers and I'm the target of an evil law firm because I've spent the last three months living on a higher plane, fighting for the forces of good, who wage a battle against demons and evilies and squishy bug babies, 'cause all that stuff's real and that's the world I live in. And-and I think I know why I don't remember any of this 'cause, hey, who'd want to!

Fred: Is that why you ran out while Cordelia was singing?

Lorne: Well, "A", I wasn't running, I was fleeing. And, "B", yes.

Gunn: Well, how horrible is this thing?

Lorne: Well, I haven't read the Book of Revelations lately, but, if I was searching for adjectives, I'd probably start there.

Supersymmetry

[Lilah has just arrived at Wesley's apartment with a present.]

Wesley: Well, look, a bribe. How thoughtful. Oh, wait, can't be a bribe. Must be a setup.

Fred: I'm between this guy and Ed Greene!

[Angel and Gunn look bemused]

Fred: Think Nomar Garciaparra and Sammy Sosa.

[Gunn whistles]

Angel: Looks like Fred skipped the Minors and went straight to the show...

[rips the roof off Lilah's convertible]

Angel: That's cool. The top just comes right off.

Lilah: You know Angel, coming from you, idle threats are so, well, idle.

Angel: You remember when I ripped your car in half?

Lilah: Yeah, yeah. Hulk smash.

Angel: They talk about me in the chatty rooms?

Spin the Bottle

Cordelia [seeing Angel for the first time]: Hello, salty goodness! (see Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

[Gunn tries to understand the grim changes in Wesley.]

Gunn: What happened to you, man?

Wesley: I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me.

Wesley: Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair!

Gunn: I vote he's not in charge.

[Wesley and Gunn are wrestling.]

Cordelia: [to Angel] Are you going to stop this?

Angel: High time the English got what's coming to 'em. I'm rooting for the slave!

Wesley: The cross obviously doesn't affect me, or our friend the pugilist.

Gunn: Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up.

Apocalypse, Nowish

[Lilah is sitting on Wesley's table, dressed up as Fred.]

Lilah, as Fred: Forget about that evil witch. Let's talk about me. I'm good, and pure, and science turns me on, and one day, if I pray hard enough and eat all my vegetables, I just might have hips!

Wesley: Are you finished?

Lilah: Did it turn you on? Watching her up there in front of all those braniacs knowing she was the smartest one in the room?

Wesley: Her theories deserve attention.

Lilah: Just her theories? I saw the way you looked at her. Oh, come on. Do you think I care about your little crush? Moon all you want of the Texas twig 'cause I know whose bed you'll be crawling into at the end of the day. Or the middle of it.

Wesley: You think you know me?

Lilah: Better than she ever will.

Lilah: You're not getting anything out of me this time either.

Angel: Didn't think I would. But Gavin, he was more accommodating. (gesturing to a bound and gagged Gavin)

Lilah: (chuckles quietly) Couldn't you have at least tortured him a little bit more?

Angel: I really wanted to, but he wouldn't stop talking long enough for me to get into it.

Lilah: I have a cure for that.

Angel: Vindict on your own time. I'm kinda on the clock here.

Angel: The enemy of my enemy...

Lilah: Can kiss my ass too.

Lorne: I hate to be a the little demon that cried "Apocalypse Nowish"...

Habeas Corpses

Wesley: There is a line, Lilah. Black and white, good and evil.

Lilah: Funny thing about black and white — you mix it together and you get gray. And it doesn't matter how much white you try and put back in, you're never gonna get anything but gray. And I don't see your Texas gal-pal wearing that color. Come to think of it, she prefers black.

Wesley: (hearing screams) What's that?

Lilah: Oh, it's the fat lady singing.

Connor: What's a zombie?

Angel: It's an undead thing.

Connor: Like you?

Angel: No, zombies are slow-moving, dimwitted things that crave human flesh.

Connor: Like you.

Cordelia: I'm just glad that everyone's safe and together again.

Angel: Me too. Now take your new boyfriend and get the hell out of here.

Cordelia: (whispers) Oh God!

Long Day's Journey

Gwen: Demon, okay? The whole nine: cloven feet and horns and teeth and… he wasn't wearing lamé, though.

Lorne: Yeah, the evil ones can't pull it off. It gets camp.

Angel: What are you doing here?

Manny: Standing in the remains of my fallen brethren trying not to have an anxiety attack. Who are you two?

Angel: I'm Angel. That's Gwen. You got a name?

Manny: I am Manjet. Sacred guardian of the Shen, keeper of the Orb of Ma'at, and devotee of light. Off hours I like Manny.

Manny: Look, it's probably just a few hours til this guy catches up with me. I want to spend my last moments with my oldest, dearest friends down at the, uh, Pink Pony Lounge. (leers at Gwen) I'll buy you a lap dance if I can watch.

Angel: Forget that. We can take you someplace safe, Manny. We can protect you.

Manny: Right, Superhunk and Spandexia. This thing takes out Mesektet, and you two are going to protect me?

Angel: I don't see anyone else lined up for the job.

Manny: You think she'd give me a lap dance?

Wesley: As far as evil plans go, it doesn't suck.

Wesley: There's only one way we're going to defeat this Beast. We need Angelus.

Awakening

The Beast: We could rule this world. Why do you oppose me?

Angel: Rain of fire. Blocking out the sun. And you just kinda piss me off.

Angel: Easy. . . Easy. . .

Cordelia: What are those? Holiday decorations left over from some. . . S&M bondage party?

Angel: (re: Angel sets off a bell and wooden spikes close together) Wood. Why did it have to be wood.

Wesley: We have to pass through the corridor without ringing any of the bells.

Cordelia: (sigh) (looks down at her chest) I knew you two would get me in trouble some day.

Cordelia: We just gotta find a way to bring back the sun.

Fred: Working on it. Failing miserably, but working on it.

[Angel has reluctantly agreed to release Angelus]

Angel: We're gonna need a cage.

Lorne: Cage?

Angel: A strong one. About ten-by-twelve, steel reinforced. Two inch bars, maybe three. I'll make some calls.

Gunn: What, he thinks something like that's going to hold the Beast?

Wesley: It's not for the Beast. It's for him.

[Angel is preparing to have his soul removed]

Angel: Connor, I know you like to think of me as the enemy. If this works, I will be. I'm going to become the one thing you were raised to believe I was. The thing I never, ever, wanted you to see.

Soulless

Angelus: You've got no leverage. What are you going to do? Kill me?

Wesley: If I have to.

Angelus: (laughing) Wait til they drop, Wes. Then try that line again.

Angelus: (to Connor) When you think about it, the first woman you boned is the closest thing you've ever had to a mother. (gasps) Screwing your mom and trying to kill your dad. Hmm...there should be a play.

Angelus: Ooh, yeah, let's talk about Cordy. Now there's a rack to write home about. Too bad about that personality, though... yap, yap, yap...

Wesley: I've imagined this moment many times. I've read everything ever written about you.

Angelus: Stop, I'm blushing.

Cordelia: We found a little boy, his sister, mom, dad, grandma. All dead.

Angelus: Oh, God! I'm always missing the fun stuff.

Calvary

[A guard flies through the door and lands in a heap.]

Shaman: Must acquire better guards.

Gunn: Now, instead of just worryin' about big bad rock-eater, we got Darth Vampire livin' in the basement.

Lilah: I just — I just want my life back. All my pretty things. I'm selfish that way. That's why we wouldn't have worked out.

Wesley: [softly] There are many reasons why we wouldn't have worked out, Lilah.

Angelus: Look at yourself, Lilah. All these years, wanting to see me. You couldn't run a comb through your hair, maybe slap on a little lipstick? Evil doesn't have to mean sloppy.

Lilah: He's gonna kill us.

Cordelia: I know. (stabs Lilah to death)' 'Why'd you think I let him out, you stupid bitch?

Salvage

Wesley: We need you.

Faith: Well, uh, hate to wet the paper for you Wes, but I'm kinda unavailable right now. Maybe you wanna check back in a few decades when my parole comes up.

Wesley: You need to know...

Faith: It's Armageddon again. I dig. Last thing you need's me in the mix. Besides, Angel comes shinin' through in the end like he always does.

Wesley: Angel's gone, Faith. Angelus is back.

[long pause]

Faith: Step away from the glass.

Faith: (after jumping from a 3-story window and smashing a car rooftop) You okay?

Wesley: Five by five.

Faith: I'm not gonna kill him, Wesley. Angelus. Don't care what you thought you sprung me for, Angel's the only one in my life that never gave up on me. There's no way I'm giving up on...

Wesley: I know. That's why it had to be you.

Faith: He'll do what I tell him.

Connor: (sarcastically) Yeah, sure I will.

Faith: (after an exchange of blows) I get it, you're a super-being. (another flurry ensues ending with Faith's crossbow at Connor's throat) Are you a murderer? Cause I am. And if it comes down to you or Angelus, you haven't shown me a thing to want to take your side. (Connor reluctantly leaves)

Gunn: I like her.

Wesley: How do you expect to find Angelus without Connor?

Faith: The old-fashioned way. Kid's not the only tracker. Something'll turn up. Trail of bodies. A telltale clue.

[sees a big sign that says "Welcome Faith"]

Faith: Maybe a carpet fiber.

Release

Angelus: Rah rah! Good over evil! Do what must be done! Hang in there, kitten, it's almost Friday!

[after Faith destroys part of Wesley's bathroom wall]

Faith: Sorry about your bathroom.

Wesley: It's not the bathroom I'm worried about. Although, I'm sure my security deposit is a complete loss.

Disembodied Voice: Destruction sometimes is its own reward.

Angelus: Hey, man, you're preaching to the guy who ate the choir.

Faith: So, what -- torturing humans is part of the new makeover?

Wesley: I did what I had to because you couldn't.

Faith: I hit her.

Wesley: You think that's something new to her?

Faith: You crossed it back there, Wes -- what'd you do back there --

Wesley: Oh, you have a problem with a little torture now? Seem to recall a time when you rather enjoyed it.

Faith: Yeah, well, it's not me anymore. You know that.

Wesley: (raises shotgun) Nice to have this along though, just in case. (speaking slowly) I remember what you did to me Faith: The broken glass, the shallow cuts, so I'd remain conscious.

Faith: You think I'd hurt you again?

Wesley: This the part where you tell me you've turned a new leaf, found God, Inner peace? We both know that isn't true. You haven't changed. You can't.

Faith: (turns away) Wes--

Wesley: (getting angry) Because you're sick. You've always been sick. It goes right down to the roots rotting your soul. That's why your friends turned on you in Sunnydale, why the Watcher's Council tried to kill you. No one trusts you Faith. You're just a rabid dog who should have been put down years ago! (Faith slams him up against the wall) See? Wasn't so hard, was it? (quietly) It's what you'll need to beat him.

Fred: I let Angelus walk with Lilah's book and everything Wolfram and Hart suckered out of your brain.

Lorne: I was gonna have those framed.

Orpheus

Angelus: Oh, no. I remember this. I-I remember this place. I gotta get outta here.

Faith: Why? You freakin' out?

Angelus: It's coming, again.

Faith: What's coming?

Angelus: I can't do it again. I won't.

[Angel runs in front of a speeding car]

Faith: Angel, get out of the road!

Angelus: Arrrgh! No!

Faith: [laughing] Dude! You just rescued a puppy.

Wesley: Did the call of magic draw you here?

Willow: Oh, no. More like the call of Fred.

Willow: You must be Angel's handsome yet androgynous son.

Connor: It's Connor.

Willow: And the sneer's genetic, who knew?

[watching a memory of Angel feeding off rats in New York]

Angelus: I already know all this crap. So why do I have to go through it again?

Angel: Maybe because it's not about you, jackass.

Connor: All right, I get it. I messed up.

Faith: Hey, cheer up, punk. That just makes you one of us.

Gunn: You headed out?

Faith: Hey, no tears, big guy.

Gunn: Nah, I'm good. I just wish I could've seen you kickin' the crap outta junior here.

Faith: It was pretty funny.

Players

Lorne: Wha...? Put me on the short bus, and send me off to clueless school. A mystical pregnancy right under my beak and not even a tingle. Huh.

Gunn: (to Angel) Well, congratulations. You're gonna have a grandspawn.

Wesley: No. They were bound to skulk off to neutral corners.

Gunn: Two vampires hook up and for the only time in vamp history, have a kid-our boy, Connor. Then Connor grows up, knocks it out with Cordelia, a part-demon former higher being, and quick as you can say "Easy-Bake Oven" there's a gigantic bun in hers. I don't think we were too harsh.

Lorne: Yeah, well, that was before my spell went all flop-a-palooza.

Fred: Having two part-demon parents might could explain the whoosh factor.

Gunn: Not gonna be long before whoosh turns into pop.

Lorne: Speaking of pop, don't you think our re-ensouled leader should be a part of this little confab?

Angel: (stepping out of his office) Easy-bake. Flop-a-palooza. Whoosh, pop. [to Wesley] I don't skulk.

[Alarm goes off]

Gunn: Uh, what... seems to be the problem?

Security guard: The electronic imprints on your invitations have been altered.

Gwen: I can explain that. I was struck by lightning. [off everyone else's looks] Really. [hisses at Gunn] See how my life sucks?

Lorne: Has Cordy been a bad, bad girl? (looks into the Magic 8-Ball for the answer)

Magic 8-Ball: Definitely.

Inside Out

Angel: All this time it was you, wasn't it?

Cordelia: Took you long enough to figure it out. But nice turn with the Lorne bait. You know, there was a time I would've seen that one coming eons before it ever crossed your tiny little mind.

Angel: Because you're so clever.

Cordelia: On the scale of you to me? Pretty damn.

Gunn: No way. We make our own choices.

Skip: Yeah, sure. Cheese sandwich here, uh, when to floss. But the big stuff, like two vampires squeezing out a kid?

Angel: Connor.

Wesley: An impossible birth to make one possible.

Skip: That's what the kid was designed for.

Lorne: To sleep with mother love?

Angel: To create a vessel.

Skip: Look out. The monkey's thinking again.

Angel: Being inside a human makes it vulnerable, doesn't it? That's why it had to stay hidden. Why it needed to create something stronger to pour itself into.

Gunn: Wait. So the big nasty inside of Cordy is going to give birth... to itself?

Fred: Will it make a difference? We really are just pieces being moved around a board.

Gunn: Then we'll kick it over and start a new game. Look, monochrome can yap all he wants about no-name's cosmic plan, but here's a little something I picked up rubbing mojos these past couple of years. The final score can't be rigged. I don't care how many players you grease, that last shot always comes up a question mark. But here's the thing—you never know when you're taking it. It could be when you're duking it out with the Legion of Doom, or just crossing the street deciding where to have brunch. So you just treat it all like it was up to you—the world in the balance—'cause you never know when it is.

Darla: [To Connor] You're the one good thing I ever did.

[When Skip turns his head, Wesley notices a break in the armor where Angel had ripped some of it off of his head earlier. Wesley makes a rolling dive for the gun, aims, and shoots at Skip's head. The bullet goes right into the vulnerable spot, entering Skip's head.]

Skip: Well, that ain't right. [collapses]

Shiny Happy People

Gunn: OK, so what are we dealing with?

Fred: Eight legs, three heads, horns...?

Lorne: Hey!

Fred: No offense.

Connor: Two legs, one head, no horns.

Lorne: Lemme guess: green?

Angel: No. Kind of.... mocha.

Connor: Kill? No. No killing.

Gunn: Since when?

Angel: Since we've all been saved.

Fred: Oh, well, that's, uh, crazy talk.

Angel: (to Connor) They don't understand.

Connor: No.

Angel: We don't want to kill her. (takes the axe away from Wesley) We just want to find her so we can worship her. That's all.

Wesley: Angel, whatever you're feeling right now, it's some form of enchantment.

Angel: (looks wistful) Yeah.

Jasmine: Yes. In the beginning, before the time of man, great beings walked the earth. Untold power emanated from all quarters—the seeds of what would come to be known as good and evil. But the shadows stretched and became darkness, and the malevolent among us grew stronger. The earth became a demon realm. Those of us who had the will to resist left this place, but we remained ever-watchful.

Fred: (walks into the room) Well, I tried. (holds up a shirt) What do you think?

Wesley: It looks brand new.

Fred: (cries) It is. I—I bought a new one.

Wesley: Even better.

Fred: (crying) I know.

Angel: What's the matter? She'll love it.

Fred: I know, but she's not here.

Gunn: She's just upstairs.

Fred: Yes, but, when she's not around, [sobs] I hurt.

The Magic Bullet

Fred: So, you don't worry that it's possible for someone to send out a biological or electronic trigger that effectively overrides your own sense of ideals and values, and replaces them with an alternative coercive agenda that reduces you to little more than a mindless meat puppet?

Shopkeeper: Wow. People used to think that I was paranoid. I mean, don't get me wrong. I still got the implants in my head. C.I.A. is still listening in. It just doesn't bother me anymore. Instead, I—I beam Jasmine's love up to their satellite, you know? Share the love with those M.K.-Ultra bastards.

Shopkeeper: You want to fight fire with fire. Make sure the government and the other savages learn about Jasmine's love.

Fred: Exact— (plays along) that's exactly right. Why should we be the only shiny, happy people?

Shopkeeper: We don't need to use the evil tools of (with air quotes) the man when we have (with air quotes) the wo-man. We need to trust that Jasmine's love will reach the rest of the world just like it reached us

Fred: Oh, happy day.

Angel: She's right. There's work to do here. We have a hotel full of people, people who have needs.

Lorne: You know what they say about people who need people...

Connor: They're the luckiest people in the world.

Lorne: You been sneaking peeks at my Streisand collection again, kiddo?

Connor: Just kinda popped out.

Elderly Woman: I have 37 cats, and I've just changed all their names to Jasmine!

Lorne: Tonight the Role of Judas Iscariot will be played by Krevlorneswath of the Deathlok Clan.

Sacrifice

Female Radio Announcer: And in an impromptu speech today, the mayor—I really love that guy, don't you?— The mayor declared Los Angeles the first Citadel of Jasmine, a cradle of civilization which will usher in a new age for all of humanity. In related news, the L.A. Archdiocese has stated to the press that it will remove all false idols from its churches, replacing them with images of she who walks among us. Way to go, Catholic Church. Yes, it's a great day to be alive.

Lorne: Well, talk about media bias. Well, not that I wanna talk about media bias. It seems rather moot right now. Speakin' of moot, what about us? Anyone else feel like the last feisty wife in Stepford?

Gunn: So that's our big plan? Just keep running?

Lorne: Oh, I hear some good things about Belize!

Wesley: All right, f-fine. You loved her first.

Mantis Demon: Before your kind was, my kind loved her. Stood stone on stone, built the temple. Always making ready. Ohh... But she came here.

Wesley: She? Jasmine?

Mantis Demon: Eh?

Wesley: Jasmine. That's what we call her. The... superior being that—that you loved first.

Mantis Demon: Pfah! You name her. Filthy little mice! She is the devourer... the song... the peace... the whole... and you try to name her. Work to do. [walks away, then snaps his head back to Wesley] We loved her first!

[Wesley watches the demon go back to work. It crawls up the wall and grabs a torch. Wesley stares at the bloody guts that splatted in front of him.]

Wesley: And how does your kind define love?

Mantis Demon: Same as all bodies. Same as everywheres. Love is sacrifice.

Vampire: Just drop the cliche serial killer crap and stake me already! Please!

Mantis Demon: I tear your guts all inside out. I stitch your guts every all over. Why don't you go dead?

Vampire: Why don't you go f— [the demon attacks him] Aah! Aah!

Peace Out

Jasmine: It was a trial run, an early experiment to work out the bugs, so to speak. I won't make that mistake again. I know where Angel is, and I know what he's looking for. He's wasting his time.

Wesley: If you really believed that, you'd have killed us already.

Wesley: Too much trouble conquering a primitive dimension, wasn't it, Jasmine? Or whatever your name is. Must be nice for you that we have satellites to beam your message to the rest of the world.

Jasmine: You're not wrong.

Wesley: Connor, what does Jasmine eat?

Connor: What?

Wesley: The creature in the sewer. It called her the devourer. Devourer of what?

Connor: I don't know.

Wesley: Don't You? The followers she randomly chooses to come to her room. The ones she sent to meet her in the banquet hall.

Lorne: They're the banquet.

Gunn: Wait. People? She eats people?

Fred: Oh, no.

Gunn: To Serve Man. It's To Serve Man all over again.

Fred: And now she's going global.

High Priest: What is it you think you fight for, dead thing? Valor? What you call justice? Your friends are dead. Most likely. Or so you believe. So it's not for them you fight.

Angel: I'm trying to save my world!

High Priest: Your world. A world that doesn't care for you. Doesn't want you.

Angel: It needs me!

High Priest: So your Powers That Be tell you. Maybe they're right. But it's not why you're here.

Angel: Okay, Bugsy, you wanna tell me what I'm fighting for?

High Priest: Him.

Angel: Him?

High Priest: The boy. The woman you've already lost. The boy is what you're fighting for. But you're going to fail. You're going to lose him too.

Angel: Jasmine, it's over. You've lost.

Jasmine: I've lost? Do you have any idea what you've done?

Angel: What I had to do.

Jasmine: No. No, Angel. There are no absolutes. No right and wrong. Haven't you learned anything working for the Powers? There are only choices. I offered paradise. You chose this!

Angel: Because I could. Because that's what you took away from us. Choice.

Jasmine: And look what free will has gotten you.

Angel: Hey, I didn't say we were smart. I said it's our right. It's what makes us human.

Jasmine: But you're not human.

Angel: Working on it.

[Jasmine turns to walk away]

Angel: Where you going?

Jasmine: Leave me alone.

Angel: Sorry, but... can't do that.

Jasmine: What? You've taken everything. You're gonna try to kill me now, as if you could.

Angel: Maybe not. But I'll die before I let you hurt anyone else.

Jasmine: You're already dead!

Angel: You know what I mean. It ends right here.

Jasmine: Why do you hate me so much?

Angel: Let's run down the list, huh? Rain of fire, blotting out the sun, enslaving mankind, and, yeah, oh, yeah, hey, you eat people!

Jasmine: Like you never have?

Angel: Thousands of people are dead because of what you've done.

Jasmine: And how many will die because of you? I could've stopped it, Angel. All of it. War, disease, poverty. How many precious, beautiful lives would've been saved in a handful of years? Yes, I murdered thousands to save billions. This world is doomed to drown in its own blood now.

Home

Lilah: I have been authorized to make you kids an offer.

Fred: You can't possibly think there's anything we'd want from you.

Lilah: I don't think you'll want it, but you'll take it, because this is the offer of a lifetime. [pauses] Just not, you know, mine.

Wesley: Jasmine was creating a slave state.

Lilah: Right, where the slaves are full of giggly joy and love. Ugh, what a nightmare.

Angel: She was eating people.

Lilah: They knew what they were getting into.

Lorne: Her stomach!?!

Gunn: Couldn't have been easy for you seeing Lilah again like that.

Wesley: Oh, yes. That was awkward, wasn't it? When you decapitate a loved one, you don't expect them to come visiting.

Preston: I had this prepared. Confidential list. Peepers only. I thought you might like to take a gander at our roster. Just a run down of some of the talent we represent here.

Lorne: Uh, no. No. No. No. I don't think you have to tell me what you represent here, young man. Evil. Pure evil in the... (stunned as he looks at the list) Huh. Which is also apparently everyone I've always wanted to meet. (laughs)

[Lilah, reanimated due to a clause in her contract, looks on as Wesley rifles through Wolfram & Hart files.]

Lilah: What are you doing, Wesley?

Wesley: [takes a piece of paper out of the files] Standard in Perpetuity clause.

Lilah: You broke in here for my contract?

Wesley: I'm here to release you from it.

Lilah: Wesley…

Wesley: You've suffered enough! [he lights the paper on fire] I want you to find some peace.

Lilah: Gallant to the end... but I knew what I signed up for.

Wesley: It's done.

Lilah: Look in the drawer. [Wesley finds the same piece of paper in the file cabinet again, unscorched] Flames wouldn't be eternal if they actually consumed anything. But it means something that you tried.

Conviction

Wesley: I'm still stuck back at, "Why on earth are we here?"

Fred: What, because we're crusaders against evil and now the law firm that represents most of the evil in the world has given us its LA branch to run however we want, probably in an attempt to corrupt, divide, or destroy us, and we all said yes in, like, 3 minutes?

Wesley: Your run-on sentences have gotten a lot less pointless

Fred: Oh, that's so sweet. And a tad condescending.

Angel: (into speaker phone) Uh... can I get a cup of coffee or something?

Phone menu voice: You have reached Ritual Sacrifice. For goats press one, or say "goats."

(moments later, Angel presses another button)

Phone menu voice: To sacrifice a loved one or pet, press the pound key.

Angel: Guess what I'm doing now? Not using my windpipe.

Spanky: Vampire.

Angel: Capital "V." And there's something else you should know about me.[Picks up a paddle and knocks him across the room] I have no problem spanking men.

Wesley: Don't you think it's a bit unseemly, adding "Y"s to the end of people's names?

Gunn: Does that mean I have to call you "Wesle"?

Agent Hauser aims his shotgun at Angel

Angel: You know that won't kill me.

Hauser: It'll hurt. That part's fun.

Angel: Agent Hauser, I'm honestly beginning to suspect that you're not part of the solution.

Hauser: You really think you can solve the problem? Come into Wolfram and Hart and make everything right? Turn night into glorious day? You pathetic little fairy.

Angel: I'm not little.

Hauser: That's exactly what you are. You're minuscule. A dust mote on the shelf of that great institution. Now, you think I'm just a trigger-happy jerk who follows orders, but I am something you will never be. I'm pure. I believe in evil. You and your friends, you're conflicted. You're confused. We're not. That is why you are gonna lose, because we possess the most powerful thing in the world... conviction.

Angel: There is one thing more powerful than conviction. Just one. Mercy.

[Angel kicks Hauser's gun up, causing him to pull the trigger and blow his own head off]

Wolfram and Hart agent: (Shocked) What happened to mercy?

Angel: You just saw the last of it.

Wesley: Spike!

Angel: Spike.

Harmony: Blondie Bear?

Just Rewards

[Spike materializes in Angel's office at Wolfram & Hart, and bends over in pain, then realizes he's facing some familiar faces and some strangers]

Spike: What? What?

Harmony: What the hell are you doing here, Spike?

Wesley: Harmony, please.

Gunn: This is Spike? *The* Spike?

Fred: Wait a minute. Who's...

Lorne: [calmly, to Spike] Easy, slim. Easy. No one's gonna hurt you.

Gunn: Speak for yourself, Green Jeans.

Fred: OK, would somebody please tell me who...

Wesley: William the Bloody. He's a vampire. One of the worst recorded. Second only to...

Angel: Me. But you're dead.

Harmony: Well, yeah. Who here isn't? [looks around] Besides him and him and her and... [to Lorne] What are you, again?

Spike: [lunges at Angel in game-face, but goes right through him and winds up standing in Angel's desk] Bugger.

Spike: I must be in hell.

Lorne: Er... no, L.A., but a lot of people make that mistake.

Harmony: [to Spike] Oh, my God! You and the Slayer actually - I mean, I know you had that twisted obsession with her, but - Ugh! That's just - Ugh!

Wesley: Did you remember a strange sensation when it released its energy?

Spike: You mean my skin and muscle burning away from the bone? Organs exploding in my chest? Eyeballs melting in their sockets? No. No memory at all thanks for asking.

Fred: I'm also detecting brainwave activity.

Angel: On Spike? Hmm. That is weird.

Angel: [to Hainsley's butler] We're - I'm from Wolfram and Hart.

Spike: I'm his date.

Manservant: Excuse me, sir. Pardon the interruption, but there are some more lawyers here from Wolfram and Hart.

Magnus Hainsley: Kill them.

Manservant: Very good, sir.

Harmony: Just since you're all soulful now, I thought maybe, just maybe, you might've learned to open up a little. You know, talk? But I guess a leopard can't change his stripes.

Spike: Spots, you dink. Leopards have spots.

Harmony: Oh! Excuse me, Mr. Brainy. Thank you so much for sharing. Wow. What a breakthrough.

[Incorporeal Spike walks through a gray wall to follow Angel.]

Spike: Running away again.

Angel turns around and keeps walking, Spike not too far behind.

Spike: Nice new M.O. I can see why heros like you get rewarded with the shiny new glass and chrome. Why didn't I think of that?

Angel: (Still walking) I'm not responsible for what happened to you.

Harmony: Angel it's almost 3:00 you have a meeting...

Angel: [interrupting with a hand out and still walking] Not now, Harmony.

Spike: And here you've even managed to get my ex-tumble, the littlest vampire, fetching coffee for you. Nice perks for the sell-out.

Angel: [Stops walking but still not facing Spike] A little tip, Spike. Try not to talk about things you don't understand.

Spike: [walks in front of Angel] I'm not the prat here. I know you Angel. What do you think you're doing? Made some devil's bargain to take over this company. Thought you'd use it to fight the evil of the world from inside the belly of the beast. Trouble is you're too busy fighting to see you and yours are getting digested.

Angel: Not gonna happen. [Moves to walk away again]

Spike: What? You think you're in control here? Guess again, mate. You're no more in control than I am. Except I'm not going to bloody stand for it while you're just a blind...Groxlar Beast.

Angel: What?

[Spikes stares behind Angel. Angel sees the Groxlar walking out of the elevator. He fights it. During the fight Spike punches the Groxlar's head but his arm goes through it.]

Spike: Oh, brilliant.

[The fight continues and the beast is beaten unconscious.]

Angel: [sighs] Okay. Somebody want to tell me how a Groxlar Beast got past security? I don't have time for this.

Spike: 'Course not. Man's gotta stay focused on profit margins and power lunches.

Harmony: Angel...

Angel: Yeah, Spike. I got a business to run. That means responsibilities, appointments to keep.

Harmony: [Pointing at the fallen Groxlar] That was your 3:00

Angel: That...

[Spike laughs.]

Angel: I'm meeting with Groxlars? They eat babies!

Harmony: Just their heads. You were supposed to open negotations with this clan.

Angel: Negotations for what?

Gunn: (Walking in wearing a suit and briefcase in hand) Get them to stop eating baby heads.

Angel: Oh, so that's good. [looking down at the Groxlar.] So this...this is bad.

Gunn: No, actually the Groxlar Clan respects someone who takes a strong opening position. Wolfram and Hart didn't just jack me up with the human laws, also demons laws from every demension. Probably should have briefed you about the Groxlar, but [looks at Spike] we got a little... sidetracked.

Unleashed

Spike: (re: Wesley) We got a history, him and me.

Fred: What?

Spike: It was a long time ago. He was a young Watcher, fresh out of the academy, when we crossed paths. It was a, what-you-call, battle of wills...and blood was spilled. Vendettas were sworn. It was a whole--

Fred: My God...you're so full of crap.

Spike: Yeah. OK.

Nina: How would you--you're not a monster, too, are you?

Fred: Nope. Standard-issue science nerd. I did spend 5 years in a demon dimension...till Angel saved me.

Nina: Guess he saves a lot of girls, huh?

Fred: Girls, guys...puppies. He's pretty much an equal-opportunity saver.

Fred: (about Nina's abduction) The scariest thing was how organized they were. Almost military.

Wesley: An underground monster-hunting military organization. It's happened before.

Lorne: Whoa! Watch it there! Just passing by and got splashed with a heap of grouchy. Got to tell you, Angelkins, that extra weight is not looking so good on you. [Angel looks down at his belly] I'm talking about psychic pounds, pumpkin. Why don't you consider me the Jenny Craig for the soul, huh? So let's hear it.

Angel: I'm not gonna sing.

Lorne: Couldn't bear it if you did. No, it's talking you need... or maybe a shoulder to—

Angel: I'm not gonna cry either.

Lorne: I was going to a leaning place. OK, Atlas, how about a shrug? Look, so you got the weight of the world. It's a burden, sure, but breaking news it ain't.

Angel: Listen, Lorne, this isn't a good time.

Lorne: No...No, it never is. Spike showing up your first day in the Wolfram & Hart saddle took the jolly right out of the rancher. We've been feeling it ever since, Angelcakes.

Angel: OK, so it's no secret. I don't like the guy.

Gunn: So...werewolf girl. Think you got a shot?

Angel: She gave me a look.

Wesley: Really? A look?

Hell Bound

Spike: You're right. I do deserve to go to Hell. But not today. (he punches Pavayne)

Pavayne: You dare!

Spike: Quite a bit, mate. Reality bends to desire. That was it, right? That's why I could touch Fred, write your name in the glass. All I had to do was want it bad enough. (his clothes rematerialize) And guess what I want to do now, you prissy son of a bitch!

Angel: I just want you to be careful, Fred, because I know how charming Spike can be.

Eve: He is quite the dish, with those eyes...

Fred: And the hair and the cheeks and--what do you think I am, stupid? I know he's been playing me with the looks and the smiles. I'm not some idiot schoolgirl with a crush.

Angel: Then what is it?

Fred: It's about doing what's right. Remember?

Spike: Then why even bother? Try to do the right thing, make a difference...

Angel: What else are we gonna do?

Spike: So that’s it, then. I really am going to burn.

Angel: Welcome to the club.

Spike: Least I got company, eh? You and me, together again. Hope and Crosby. Stills and Nash. Chico and the --

Angel: Yeah, are we done?

Spike: Never much for small talk, were you? Always too busy trying to perfect that brooding block-of-wood mystique. God, I love that.

Angel: Not as much as I loved your nonstop yammering.

Spike: The way you always had to be the big swingy, swaggerin’ around, barkin’ orders...

Angel: Never listening...

Spike: Always interrupting...

Angel: And your hair. What color do they call that, radioactive?

Spike: Never much cared for you, Liam, even when we were evil.

Angel: Cared for you less.

Spike: Fine.

Angel: Good. [they sit in silence] There was one thing about you...

Spike: Really?

Angel: Yeah, I never told anyone about this, but I--I liked your poems.

Spike: [dismissively] You like Barry Manilow.

Gunn: [researching from a book] Got it. The dark soul.

Angel: What's it say?

Gunn: A lot. There are over 3,200 different references. Four of them are about you.

Angel: What? Give me that.

Wes: This is getting us nowhere.

Angel: Let me see this. [reading] Well, that's not fair. I didn't even have a soul when I did that.

Spike: No. I'm not gonna end up like Pavayne--cheating Hell any way he could, no matter who it hurt.

Fred: Just proves what I've been telling everybody.

Spike: That I'm a handsome devil who brightens the place up?

Fred: That you're worth saving.

Life of the Party

Knox: And how do you know your spell-casters didn't screw up the payload?

Wesley: Because I went over the work and I got that knowing feeling you get when you know something.

Angel: Look, Lorne...I have things. I'm busy. [Lorne stares] I'm brooding.

Lorne: [Turns around to see television is on.] Oh, you're watching hockey!

Angel: Yeah, but my team is losing.

Fred: [slurring, as a demon bumps into her.] Hey, you want a piece of me, buddy? That's right, keep walking. You walk alone! You walk alone!

Wesley: Careful, that thing's loaded.

Fred: So am I. I mean, wow. Wes. Wesley, [puts her arms around Wesley's neck] I am totally drunk-faced!

Wesley: Because you can't hold your.. What are you drinking?

Fred: Nothing.

Wesley: You can't hold that.

Fred: Oh, yeah? Lightweight? How much have you had?

Wesley: [holds up a beer bottle] Including this, I've had... about 1/3 of a half of this beer.

Fred: That's weird, right?

Wesley: Yes, I think so. I think that's weird.

Fred: There's Gunn. Let's go ask him if that's weird.

[Fred and Wesley walk up to Gunn, who's facing away from them.]

Wesley: Hey. Hey, Gunn. Is something weird going on? [Gunn turns toward Wesley without moving his hands, which are together just below his waist] Charles, you just peed on my shoes.

Gunn: [looks down, confused] I'll be damned. [zips his zipper] That's weird.

Wesley: Everything he's told us to do, we're doing. Spike's thinking positive. Gunn is peeing all over the office.

Fred: [slurring] And we're a little bit drunk.

Wesley: Yes! But not because we drank. Because Lorne told us to be drunk!

Angel: [to Gunn] Lorne told you to pee all over the office?

Gunn: Lord, I hope so.

Spike: You pissed in the big man's chair? That's fantastic!

Gunn: Spike, could you turn off the warm fuzzy?

Spike: What? The Lorne thing? Wore off. I just think that's bloody marvelous.

The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinco

Angel: Ow!

Wes: What happened?

Angel: The mail guy threw me.

Gunn: What?!

Spike: Number 5?! [smiling] He did this? Isn't he like 100 years old?

Spike: Hey! Fred! Did ya hear? Angel attacked the old mail guy.

Angel: What?!

Fred: Not Number 5? You didn't hurt him?

Angel: No. I -- he attacked me.

Wesley: We should find him.

Spike: Absolutely. Wanna buy him a pint. Bloody made my day.

Lorne: Hey,professional opinion. Sexy soccer mama or brainy beauty? You're an aging sexpot celebrating a decade of turning twenty nine. You got two little rugrats who aren't that little, a husband who thinks the extras trailer is a buffet table and gravity ain't doing you any favors. So "Happy Birthday, sexy mama" or ...Fred! Fred, sweetie, you're sort of like a woman.

Fred: Thats not a compliment

Lorne: Well more so than El Cid here.I need some insight.You're an aging...

Fred: I heard.Don't mention her birthday,Don't send a card,just send a big bunch of flowers because she's special and pefect and eternally bladi bla

Lorne: Staring me right in the face.Genius

Fred: And I'm a lot like a woman

Lorne: You're all woman.You're every woman.You're Wonder Woman!

Fred: Damn straight

Lorne: Holy tornado, it's true!

Spike: Yeah, it was amazing! Angel went right off on the mail guy.

Lorne: Oh this must've been one major smackdown!

Angel: There was no smacking!

Lorne: That's not the hubbub I'm hearing, honey buns. Word on the web has you sucker punching Grandpa Moses.

Angel: The web?

Lorne: Don't sweat it, sweetie pie. I've got my flack-catcher spinnin' this into PR gold. And once the word spreads that you beat up an innocent old man, well the truly terrible will think twice before goin' toe to toe with our Avenging Angel.

Spike: Yes. The geriatric community will be soilin' their nappies when they hear you're on the case. Bravo!

Gunn: Still not sure why Blondie Ghost tagged along.

Spike: Not much choice really, is there? Can't drink, smoke, diddle my willy. Doesn't leave much to do other than watch you blokes stumble around playing Agatha Christie.

Wesley: Yeah, remind me again how you ended up in the front seat.

Spike: Called shotgun, mate.

Wesley: Oh. (pulls up a shotgun) I thought we were doing a weapons check. (moments later) Angel, the church we're looking for is about half a mile... (Angel suddenly spins the car around in a 180)

Spike: Always was a bit of a drama queen.

Lineage

Fred: [about the cyborg] This thing really blurs the line between human and robot.

Spike: Aha. So you're not ruling out that a human being could have boffed a robot.

[everyone stares at him]

Spike: Sex with robots is more common than most people think.

Spike: Daddy, eh? I always though Wesley was grown in some sort of greenhouse for dandies.

Roger Wyndham-Pryce: Spike.

Spike: You've heard of me?

Roger Wyndham-Pryce: No, we've met. 1963, my colleagues and I fell upon you slaughtering an orphanage in Vienna. Killed 2 of my men before you escaped.

Spike: Oh...how've you been?

[A bomb is about to go off. Wesley orders an evacuation. Spike starts running]

Spike: Wait, why am I running?

[The lights in the Wolfram & Hart elevator suddenly go out.]

Eve: That's odd.

Spike: I know what this is. YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME TO HELL, PAVAYNE!

[Emergency lights come on and an alarm sounds.]

Spike: Oh. Well, that's just something I say... when, uh... it gets dark.

Lorne: So I am covered in cherries. The police are just pounding on the door, and Judi Dench starts screaming, "Oh, that's way too much to pay for a pair of pants!"

Angel: You know, I killed my actual father. It was one of the first things I did when I became a vampire.

Wesley: I hardly see how that's the same situation.

Angel: Yeah, I really didn't think that one through.

Spike: Oh, Eve's still stuck in the elevator.

Gunn: So go to maintenence. [runs off]

Spike: OK... Where the bloody hell is maintenence? [beat] To be honest, I don't even care. [walks away]

Destiny

[Spike and Angel are fighting to reach the Cup of Perpetual Torment.]

Spike: Come on, hero. Tell me more. Teach me what it means. And I'll tell you why you can't stand the bloody sight of me.

Angel: Tell it to your therapist.

Spike: 'Cause every time you look at me, you see all the dirty little things I've done, all the lives I've taken... because of you! Drusilla sired me, but you... you made me a monster.

Angel: I didn't make you, Spike. I just opened up the door, and let the real you out.

Spike: You never knew the real me. Too busy trying to see your own reflection, praying there was someone as disgusting as you in the world, so you could stand to live with yourself. Take a long look, hero. I'm nothing like you!

Angel: No. you're less. Thats why Buffy never loved you, 'cause you weren't me.

Spike: I guess she was thinking of you all those times I was putting it to her.

Spike: Look at you. Fighting for truth, justice, and soccer moms. But you still can't lay flesh on a cross without smelling like bacon.

Angel: Like you're any different.

Spike: That's just it. I am. You had a soul forced on you as a curse, make you suffer for all the horrible things you've done. But me, I fought for my soul, went throught the demon trials. Almost did me in a dozen times over but I kept fighting. 'Cause I knew it was the right thing to do. It was my destiny

Angel: Really? I thought it was just to get inside a girl's pants.

[Spike is poised to drink from the Cup.]

Spike: Probably should've dusted you. But honestly... I don't want to hear her bitch about it.

Angel: Spike, wait. Wait. That's not a prize you're holding. It's not a trophy. It's a burden. It's a cross. One you're gonna have to bear till it burns you to ashes. Believe me. I know. So ask yourself: Is this really the destiny that was meant for you? Do you even really want it? Or is it that you just want to take something away from me?

Spike: (pauses) Bit of both. [drinks.]

Angel: [lunges to try to stop him, but too late.] Spike?

Spike: [drops the cup, stares at Angel, bewildered.] I-it's... Mountain Dew.

Spike: [yelling after Angel] Try staking your mother when she's coming on to you!

Harmony: Well, that explains a lot.

[Thinking he is still incorporeal, Spike runs into a door]

Spike: Bugger, that hurt!

Harm's Way

Angel: If you don't kill, we won't kill you. [in a Wolfram & Hart employee orientation video]

Harmony: I just—I don't get it. Why'd you kill Eli?

Angel: Didn't much like what he was doing in his off hours.

Harmony: Well, that's not right. What Eli did on his own time—

Gunn: Is dismember virgins.

Harmony: Oh. Well, a person's religious beliefs is no cause for—

Gunn: He did it for his own amusement.

Harmony: Oh. Well, okay. Still You could've given Him a harsh Warning

Angel:Its called a Zero Tolerance policy,not a "Maybe This Once" Policy

Wesley: [reading through a document] This is a complete list of manners and customs. We should probably all memorize this. Apparently, gazing at a Vinji's ankles can lead to eye gouging.

Harmony: [to Fred] I just wish I were more like you. You know, except for the part about being all into science... and not having a lot up front.

Harmony:He's the Demon Rights Activist? He told Me He was an Astronaut!

Soul Purpose

Spike: [to Lindsey] Ahh. Uh, yeah, thanks... but not really my type, Mary. So be a good lad and push off. What are you gawking at?

Lindsey: A guy like you, whiling away his time in some cheesy downtown strip dive. Look like somebody who's feeling kinda lost.

Spike: Is that right? Funny, thought I knew exactly where I was. Place called the Peppermint Stick. Prima ballerina up there's Sunshine. Though I'm fairly certain that's not her real name.

Eve: How's our Blonde crusader?

Lindsey:He hasn't quite sewn a big Red S on his chest but he's getting there.

Lindsey: You can call me Doyle.

Woman in alley: Thank you! Thank you! That thing was going to kill me!

Spike: Well, what did you expect? Out alone in this neighborhood - I've got half a mind to kill you myself, you half-wit.

Woman in alley: What?

Spike: I mean honestly, what kind of retard wears heels like that in a dark alley? Take two steps and break your bloody ankle.

Woman in alley: [annoyed] I was just trying to get home.

Spike: Well, get a cab, you moron, and on the way, if a stranger offers you candy, don't get in the van!

[Angel is dreaming that the team are celebrating for Spike]

Spike: Well, this is... Thank you, everyone. I don't know what to say. I'm just a working-class bloke fulfilling his destiny. It was nothing, really.

Fred: Nothing? Spike, you single handedly ended Armageddon and turned the turned the world into a Beautiful-Happily-Ever-After-Candy-Mountain-Place where all our dreams come true.

[The world is shown as looking like a fairytale]

Spike: Beautiful, isn't it?

Gunn: And now its time for your reward.

Wesley: Yes, your reward!

Spike: I didn't do this for a reward.

Gunn: That's why you're getting one.

[The Blue Fairy enters the room]

Wesley: After all, anyone who saves the universe from eternal bloodshed, horror,and misery deserves to get what they've always wanted.

Fred: Deserves to become a real boy.

Fairy: And so you shall. [waves her wand over Spike]

Spike: My heart! Its beating again!

Fred: You're human, Spike.

Gunn: Ooh, I want to listen!

Wesley: Let's hear it for Spike!

[The staff shout "Hip Hip Hooray" for Spike as Angel pushes a cart away sadly]

Damage

Fred: You play golf? Since—what?

Gunn: All part of the mojo the big boys installed. Half the cases that cross our desk are settled out on the links before they ever make it to trial.

Fred: Nine holes instead of a jury of your peers. Just what the founding fathers had in mind.

Doctor Rabinaw: A lawyer? I already told the police everything I know.

Angel: Well, let's go over it again, just in case you left out any details.

Spike: What he said. But with a bit more of a threat at the end.

[Angel shows up just in time to see Spike being thrown from a window]

Angel: What happened?

Spike: Oh, I just thought I'd see what it was like to bounce off the pavement. Pretty much what I expected.

Spike: A psychotic vampire slayer.

Angel: How many times you gonna keep sayin' that?

Spike: Just tryin' to wrap my lobes around it. A psycho slayer.

[Angel and Spike enter the office where Andrew and the gang are.]

Andrew: Spike?

Spike: (sees Andrew) Oh, for the love of...

Andrew: Spike? It's you. It's really you! [hugs Spike, sobbing] My therapist thought I was holding onto false hope, but... I knew you'd come back. [sniffles, releases Spike from the hug to look him in the eyes] You're like… you're like Gandalf the White, resurrected from the pit of the Balrog, [touches his palms to Spike's face] more beautiful than ever. [hugs Spike tightly around the neck] Ohh… he's alive, Frodo. He's alive.

Angel: [smirking] You two know each other?

Andrew:[steps back from Spike, sniffles, straightens his lapels] Uh, yeah. Um… We—we saved the world together. I mean, Buffy helped, but… it was mostly us.

You're Welcome

Cordelia: Spike's a hero and you're CEO of Hell, Incorporated. What frickin' bizzaro world did I wake up in?

[After Angel stops Spike from biting Cordelia]

Spike: She's evil, you gormless tit!

Cordelia: Excuse me? Who bit whom?

Angel: Did you call me a tit?

Cordelia: I thought he had a soul.

Spike: I thought she didn't.

Cordelia: I do.

Spike: So do I.

Cordelia: Well, clearly mine's better!

Cordelia: (grabs Eve) Come on Lilah Jr.

Cordelia: Angel, torture her.

Angel: I can't just torture her.

Fred: He's right, Cordy. If he sinks to their level...

[Harmony races past them and starts attacking Eve]

Harmony: Is this okay? I mean I am evil, technically. I don't mind torturing her for the team.

Angel: Yeah okay.

[Cordelia walks into Angel's office. Angel puts on his jacket.]

Angel: [sighs]

Cordelia: So, you feel good?

[Angel turns toward Cordelia]

Angel: Yeah, I do. I just...I kinda feel bad about it.

Cordelia: My God, you are a piece of work.

Angel: I just [laughs]...I just don't feel I deserve... I mean all I did was beat up a tiny Texan. [Angel sits down] Not like I helped anyone.

Cordelia: Sure you did.

Angel: Who?

Cordelia: Boy, I really do fall for dumb ones. You know how you're always trying to save, oh, every single person in the world? Did it ever occur to you that you are one of them?

Angel: No, it never did.

Cordelia: Well, you made the list gorgeous. And you needed some help.

Angel: And you were the one that...helped me.

Cordelia: I did my part. [Cordelia sits next to Angel]

Angel: [chuckles] Lindsay wasted a lot of energy trying to make me doubt myself. I know it's not even close to over. I do feel like like...I can do this. Wolfram and Hart, whatever's coming, I feel like we can beat it.

Cordelia: I know.

Angel: You do?

Cordelia: I always did. I...I just needed you to know it too.

Angel: So, all that stuff about deals with devil...

Cordelia: Is God's honest truth. But you're bigger than that. You'll win this in the end. [she gets up] I, uh, I just wish I could be there to see it. [sighs]

Angel: [he gets up] What do you mean? You're not...?

Cordelia: I can't stay. This isn't me anymore. You can say goodbye to the gang for me, explain everything, once you understand.

Angel: That's gonna be never. I need you here.

Cordelia: Don't make this hard, Angel. I'm just on a different road, and this is my off ramp. Powers That Be owed me one, and I didn't waste it. I got my guy back on track.

Angel: Cordy...

Cordelia: [she puts her hand on Angel's cheek] We take what we can get champ, and we do our best with it. [tearing up] I'll be seeing you. [she turns and starts to walk away] Oh, what the hell... One for the road?

[she rushes to Angel and the two embrace and kiss]

[the phone rings]

Angel: You know, um, [whispers] I don’t...I don’t need to get that.

Cordelia: That...you have to get.

[Angel walks towards the phone]

Cordelia: Oh, and you’re welcome.

[Angel picks up the phone]

Angel: Hello? Yes, I know, she’s...But that’s impossible, she’s standing right… [Angel turns around to see Cordelia gone; he puts the phone back to his ear] I’m sorry. [chokes up] Yeah. Did, um, when did she die? Did, she, um...She never did wake up? I see. [he hangs up the phone and speaks softly] Thank you.

Why We Fight

Spike: Angelus? They'll let anyone in here.

Angel: You're a Nazi?

Spike: What? Oh. No, I just ate one.

Spike: Sneaky bastards, the SS. Don't ever go to a free virgin blood party. Turns out, it's probably a trap.

Angel: You were captured at a free virgin blood party?

Spike: I know. Who would've thought.

Angel: We are not going to kill anyone, understood?

Spike: Heil Hitler.

Lawson: Aren't ya gonna ask me how I got in here?

Angel: No. You'd be amazed at how many people break into this building on a regular basis.

Smile Time

[a spell has transformed Angel into a puppet]

Fred: Oh, my God! Angel, you're... Cute!

Puppet Angel: Fred, don't...

Fred: But the little hands! And the hair! [scratches his head]

Puppet Angel: Hey! You're fired.

Lorne: Maybe it's some kind of... puppet cancer?

Puppet Angel: [teeth gritted] I do not have puppet cancer!

Spike: [barges into Angel's office] Hello, big guy! Need another car. Afraid this last one ended up in the drink... [stops in mid-thought when he sees puppet Angel sitting at the desk]

Puppet Angel: [anxiously] Spike...

Spike: [staring] Look at you.

Puppet Angel: [gesturing with his hands] Just turn around and walk away.

Spike: [still staring] You're a—

Puppet Angel: Spike!

Spike: [starts laughing uncontrollably] You're a bloody puppet!

Puppet Angel: What's everybody looking at? Well?!

Spike: They're looking at the wee little puppet man.

[after beating Spike, to the bemused staff]

Puppet Angel: Yes, I'm a puppet. Doesn't mean you don't have work to do. Harmony, get my call list.

Harmony: Um...

Puppet Angel: And Spike needs a car.

Spike: [to Harmony] You heard the puppet.

A Hole in the World

Fred: I'm gonna study, mom. I'm gonna learn every damn thing they know up there, and then figure out some stuff they don't. And I'll be careful. I'll even be dull, boring. Cross my heart.

[cut to Fred menacingly screaming and burning demons with a flame-thrower]

Fred: Kind of cool, physiologically. They reproduce by vomiting up crystals that attract and mutate the microbes around them to form eggs.

Wesley: Are you trying to turn me on?

[Angel has been run through with a large sword by Spike; there's a creepy demon bug on his back, dangling from where the sword exits his body]

Spike: Fuss, fuss. The thing was about to strike. It was on your back. What was I supposed to do?

Angel: Ask me to turn around.

Spike: Heat of battle. There wasn't time.

Angel: You just like stabbing me.

Spike: I—I'm shocked— shocked that you'd say that. I much prefer hitting you with blunt instruments.

Gunn: [singing] Three little maids who, all unwary,/ Come from a ladies' seminary,/ Freed from its genius tutelary—/ Three little maids from school!/ Three little maids —

[Gunn notices Wesley is at his door.]

Gunn: [rap style] ...and ya don't stop with all the ladies in the... gangsta but ... go [spoken] What's up?

Wesley: I should ask you. You seem unutterably cheery.

Gunn: I am. I am. Look...I gotta be straight with you, 'cause this is kinda blowin' my mind.

Wesley: Tell me.

Gunn: Fred and I are gettin' back together. [Wesley's smile melts] She was so keyed up from last night's fight, she asked me over. We ended up talkin' for hours, like old times. Then, all of a sud...I can't even keep this up, 'cause your face is gonna make me weep. Wes, I am so messin' with you.

Spike: Harmony just pulled me out of a very promising poker game down in Accounts Receivable, so this better be good. Oh, and, by the way, all the guys down there agree that astronauts don't stand a chance against cavemen, so don't even start.

Angel: Look, I can't do this anymore.

Spike: Admitting defeat, are you?

Angel: You and me. This isn't working out.

Spike: [mock-dramatic] Are you saying we should start annoying other people?

Fred: (dying in his arms)Wesley, why can't I stay?

Shells

Angel: [slams Wesley against wall] What the hell did you do?

Wesley: What I had to.

Angel: I don't remember seeing "stab Gunn" on the agenda this morning.

Wesley: I avoided the major organs. He'll probably live.

Angel: Is that supposed to make it all right?

Wesley: Nothing is all right! Nothing will ever be all right.

Angel: We'll get her back, Wes.

Wesley: No, we won't. Fred's soul . . . her soul was destroyed resurrecting Illyria.

Harmony: I want to help. Fred's my friend. We went out for drinks all the... once.

Gunn: What about her - If her organs have been liquefied?

Spike: [raises hand] Flash fried in a pillar of fire, savin' the world. I got better.

Angel: Any idea how she got past you?

Gunn: One second she was standing there, the next, poof.

Angel: She's a teleporter?

Wesley: I don't think so. No characteristic displacement of the atmosphere around her.

Spike: I fancied I saw a blur just before she went Houdini.

Gunn: Yeah, like she was pulling a Barry Allen.

[Angel looks at him, not recognizing the name; Gunn looks around at the others]

Gunn: Jay Garrick? Wally— Like she was moving really fast.

Angel: You're about as low as it gets, Knox, but you're a part of humanity. That isn't always pretty, but it's a hell of a lot better than what came before. [to Illyria] And if it comes down to a choice between you and him, then yes, I would fight for his life, just like any other human's. Because that's what people do. That's what makes us —

[Wesley shoots and kills Knox.]

Angel: [to Wes] Were you even listening?

Underneath

Spike: My first official parlay as a very loosely affiliated member of... what are we? Tell me we're not Scoobies.

Angel: We haven't got-

Spike: [Interrupting] A name? Probably just as well. You'd want to be Angel's Avengers or something.

Angel: [laughing] Please. Angel's Avengers. Thats so... [stops laughing and gets a look implying that he likes the name]

Spike: So whats on the agenda?

Angel: Uh, I have assignments for people - [a fizzing noise is heard, Angel glances over]

Spike: What? [Angel glares] I'm listening. With beer.

Angel: Forget it. This isn't a meeting, this is you being annoying.

Spike: [looking at the page] Hey, bullet points. Classy. Why am I always reconnaissance? I should get a properly flash gig like save the girl or save the emerald with the girl.

Angel: "Handsome man saved me from the monsters"

Spike: Exactly...What's that now?

Angel: It was the first thing Fred said to me. In Pylea. She was trapped, hiding, afraid, nearly crazy. Crazy, but brave. I should never have let her come here. Bad things always happen here.

Spike: Hate to break it to you, mate.But bad things always happen everywhere. Besides, she wanted to be here. It was her choice.

Angel: Was it?

Spike: Bugger, you're fixing to do something stupid.

Angel: Did it. I come in here and lie to myself about making the world a better place.

Spike: Welcome to the planet. We all paint on our happy faces everyday when all we really want to do is pound the neighbour's missus, steal his Ben Franklins and, while we're at it, not think about the third of the world that's starving to death.

Illyria: I walked worlds of smoke and half-truths, intangible. Worlds of torment and of unnamable beauty. Opaline towers as high as small moons. Glaciers that rippled with insensate lust... And one world with nothing but shrimp... I tired of that one quickly.

Lorne: [asking Eve] This thing coming after you. How bad is it on a scale from one to Terminator?

Origin

Illyria: You break so easily. Why do you bother getting back up?

Spike: Right. We need to set some ground rules. First off... no more punching me in the face. Secondly, when I punch you in the face, you tell me how you feel so I can write that down on my clipboard. Third... no touching my clipboard. Fourth...

Illyria: I enjoy hurting you.

Spike: Well, we're gonna have to fix that, 'cause...

[Illyria kicks Spike in the face. Spike punches her. Illyria punches him across the room]

Wesley: How goes it?

Illyria: I've been hitting the half-breed. He makes noise.

Spike: We're off to a bit of a rough start, but don't worry. I'll break her.

Wesley: She's not a horse, Spike. You know, this room is equipped with automated training devices, and you don't have to test her by just... allowing her to pummel you.

Spike: We're working on the basics. But don't worry -- I'm writing it all down.

Wesley: Ok. Fine.

Illyria: You reek of frustration. Curls off of you like smoke.

Spike: Actually, love, we call that scotch. 12-year Lagavulin, if I'm not mistaken. Good choice.

Wesley: It's nothing. I'm just, uh... I had a... slight disagreement with Angel.

Spike: Oh, old broody-pants got you wound up, eh? Keep in mind, he can't get laid without maybe going crazy. Makes it funny.

Illyria: In my time, a leader would punish your insolence with death.

Wesley: We're not being insolent, Illyria.

Spike: I am.

Marcus Hamilton: Let's be clear about this. Things run differently now. I'm not a little girl. You and I won't be making love on this couch anytime soon. Now, with that in mind, how can I help you?

Time Bomb

Wesley: She still thinks she's the God-King of the Universe.

Gunn: So she's like a TV star?

Wesley: No, nothing that bad. Bit more violent, though.

Illyria: This shell...you had affection for it. For Fred.

Spike: Tons. Loved the bird.

Illyria: Yet you strike at her form without sentiment.

Spike: You ain't her. I can see it. Lord knows I can smell it. And I got no problem hittin' it.

Illyria: When the world met me, it shuddered, groaned. It knelt at my feet.

Spike: "Dear Penthouse, I don't normally write letters like this, but-"

[following Illyria]

Lorne: I repeat, bluebird got wise. Secret Demon's cover is blown. Over. Hel-hello?! Is this on? Hey, Leery, now, when did you catch on to me? In the elevator? That was a tough one.

Angel: If this is our chance to get into a better grace with the head office, I have to say it's not my priority.

Marcus: Oh, no, don't think about us, Angel. Think about profits. It's profits that let you keep this plucky little boat-load of good above water. It's a business, boys, not a Batcave.

Lorne: Well, I'll tell you what--still like him better than Eve.

The Girl in Question

Angelus: William...

William the Bloody: Bloody hell! That right bastard!

Angelus: The Immortal thinks he can do this to us?

William the Bloody: He doesn't know who he's dealing with.

Angelus: Well, he's about to find out.

William the Bloody: He'll curse the day he ever crossed paths with Angelus.

Angelus: And William the Bloody.

William the Bloody: See just how immortal he is when we're done with him.

Angelus: [regaining his Irish accent] We'll carve him up like a Sunday roast and make him watch as we feast on his steaming flesh.

[still struggling with restrains]

Angelus: How you doing?

William the Bloody: Bugger!

Angel: [about Buffy] How'd she ever fall for a centuries old guy with a dark past who may or may not be evil?

William the Bloody: That cheeky bastard. Had us tossed and then violates your woman.

Angelus: Did he hurt you?

Darla: Not until I asked him to. Oh, come on. Have you seen him? With the eyes and the chest and the... immortality.

William the Bloody: We're immortal.

Darla: Not like him. I mean, he's not some common vampire. He's... I don't know what he is. A giant. A titan straddling good and evil, serving no master but his own considerable desires.

Angelus: Darla...

Darla: And spiritual. Did you know he spent 150 years in a Tibetan monastery? Which I guess explains all the desire.

Angelus: He's my arch-nemesis.

Darla: Darling. It was just fornication. Really great fornication.

William the Bloody: She's glowing, mate.

Angelus: She isn't.

Darla: Little bit.

William the Bloody: Best fit you for a pair of antlers. Been made the right cuckold, you have.

Drusilla: Time for another pony ride?

William the Bloody: Son of a bitch!

Angelus: Violate our women!

William the Bloody: Violate in succession!

Darla: Concurrently.

Angelus: Concurrently? You never let us do that!

Drusilla: Will you hold me under the water?

Darla: If you wish.

Power Play

Nina: You should get away. Vacation? You know that word? Go to Cabo, drink margaritas, midnight skinny-dipping, making love on the beach… did you catch how I subtly included myself in your little vacation package?

Angel: Nina…

Nina: Too pushy, too needy, I never even said it. You should make love on the beach all by yourself.

Illyria: I've grown wary of this world since my powers were depleted. Strange… though I've been made more human, this place remains disconcerting.

Spike: Yeah, well, I'm afraid that never goes away. Anyhow, I thought Wesley was giving you a primer on all things human.

Illyria: He and I are no longer having intercourse.

Spike: Yeah, I… you what? What?

Illyria: He has ceased communication with me.

Spike: Oh! Oh. Communi—

Illyria: My recent reversion to the Burkle persona disturbed him. And he will not tell me why.

Spike: You don't know? You may not think you're as powerful as you were, Highness, but looking like Fred, for some of us… it's the most devastating power you have.

Izzy: You know the Fells. All they can talk about is the baby. The baby's doing this now. The baby's doing that. What a wonderful ritual sacrifice he'll make. Yak, yak, yak.

Lindsey is explaining the Circle of The Black Thorn

Lindesy:Its a Secret Organisation

Gunn:Never heard of Them

Lindsey:Thats cause They're Secret

Illyria: You'll have proof soon enough. A corrupted ruler on such a path sees treachery and betrayal all around him. He cannot suffer intimates and will eventually turn against them.

Spike: Guess I don't have to worry about that, 'cause Angel and me have never been intimate. Except that one...

[Illyria and Drogyn are playing "Crash Bandicoot" while waiting to hear from Angel.]

Illyria: I play this game. It is pointless, and annoys me. Yet I am compelled to keep playing.

Not Fade Away

Angel: This may come out a little pretentious, but... one of you will betray me.

Spike raises his hand eagerly

Angel:Wes...

Spike (disappointed):Oh...

Spike:(Enthusiastically)Can I deny you 3 times?

Angel: Then we're all agreed.

Spike: Yeah. We're all one big happy Manson family.

Lindsey: Believe it or not, I was actually talking about you. You don't care about being squashed like a bug?

Angel: You haven't heard a word I've said. For, like, years back.

Lindsey: Well, you get a little speechy, all right? And I breeze out. I got the Cliff Notes—honor and humanity. Absolute good. I heard it. So here's the plot twist—I'm in.

Angel: Why?

Lindsey: Everybody goes on about your soul. A vampire with a soul. Nobody ever mentions the fact that you're really a vampire with big brass testes. This is gonna be a circus. I mean, win or lose, you're about to pick the nastiest fight since mankind drop-kicked the last demon out of this dimension. And that you don't do without me. If you want me, I'm on your team.

Angel: I want you, Lindsey. [pause] Thinking about rephrasing that.

Lindsey: Yeah, I think I'd be more comfortable if you did.

Lindsey: I could sing for you.

Lorne: I've heard you sing. (takes out a gun with a silencer and shoots Lindsey twice in the chest)

Lindsey: Why... why did you...

Lorne: One last job. You're not part of the solution, Lindsey. You never will be.

Lindsey: You kill me? A flunky?! I'm not just... Angel... kills me. You don't... Angel... (dies)

Lorne: Good night, folks.

Hamilton: Let me say this as clearly as I can. You cannot beat me. I am a part of them. The Wolf, Ram, and Hart. Their strength flows through my veins. My blood is filled with their ancient power.

Angel: Can you pick out the one word there you probably shouldn't have said? [he vamps out and bites Hamilton, draining his blood] Wow. You really are full of it!

Illyria: Wesley's dead. I'm feeling grief for him. I can't seem to control it. I wish to do more violence.

Spike: Well, wishes just happen to be horses today.

Angel: Amongst other things.

[A horde of demons and monsters is bearing down on the surviving members of Angel's team.]

Gunn: Okay, you take the thirty thousand on the left…

Illyria: You're fading. You'll last ten minutes at best.

Gunn: Then let's make it memorable.

Spike: And in terms of a plan?

Angel: We fight.

Spike: Bit more specific?

Angel: Well, personally, I kinda want to slay the dragon.

Angel: (series's final words) Let's go to work.

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