Craig Schwartz

• Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?

• Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.

• I'd fuck myself (watching television documentary on his puppeteering when he's in John Malkovich's body).

• Look away. (looking through Emily's eyes at the end)

Maxine Lund

• Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?

• Behind the stubble and the too-prominent brow and the male-pattern baldness... I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.

• Just one question. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

Lotte Schwartz

• Help! He's locking me in a cage!

• Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.

John Malkovich

• I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should see.

• That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!

• It's my head, Schwartz! It's my head!

Charlie Sheen

• Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.

• Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover.

• Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius!

• You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.

Dialogue

Lotte: You are so full of shit Maxine!

Maxine: I know.

Lotte: For the first time, everything just felt right.

Craig: It's just a phase. It's the thrill of seeing through somebody else's eyes.

Maxine: So I've been thinking...Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?

Craig: Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine. He's a celebrity.

Maxine: Good. We'll sell tickets!

Craig: Tickets to Malkovich?

Maxine: Exactly! $200 a pop!

Dr. Lester: Ah, tell me Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying?

Lottie: Oh yes, Dr. Lester, absolutely. You were just explaining the, um, nutritional value of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form, which I personally couldn't agree more with.

Dr. Lester: Oh, be still my heart!

John M.: The...this...the weird thing is this Maxine likes to call me Lottie.

Charlie Sheen: Ouch! That is hot! Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover...Sounds like my kind of gal! Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?

John M.: What are you talking about, done with her? Tonight really freaked me out!

Dr. Lester: Any questions?

Craig: Well, just one. Why are these ceilings so low?

Dr. Lester: Low overhead my boy! We pass the savings onto you! Hahaha!

John M.: I have been to the dark side and back! I have seen a world that no man should see!

Craig: Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.

Craig: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like!

Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.

Dr. Lester: Floris! Get Guinness on the phone!

Floris: Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine.

Dr. Lester: Damn fine woman, Floris. I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.

John Malkovich: This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God.

Craig: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.

John M.: It's my head, Schwartz, and I will see you in court!

Craig: And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?

Craig: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.

Maxine: Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?

Craig: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.

Maxine: What's he been in?

Craig: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you see what a can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it. There's only one thing to do. Let's get married right away.

Taglines

• Ever wanted to be someone else? Now you can.

• Ever Wanted To Be Someone Else?

• Be All That Someone Else Can Be.

Cast

• John Cusack — Craig Schwartz
• Cameron Diaz — Lotte Schwartz
• Catherine Keener — Maxine
• John Malkovich — John Horatio Malkovich
• Orson Bean — Dr. Lester
• Mary Kay Place — Floris (Lester's secretary/receptionist)
• Charlie Sheen — Charlie