An Audience with Billy Connolly

• I know at least... oh my God, at least 127 words. And I still prefer "Fuck".

Billy Connolly at the Royal Albert Hall, 1987

• That man (Ronald Reagan, who was President of the USA at the time), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!

Billy Connolly Live, 1994

• Toblerones! It's impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!
• Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?
• I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
• Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.
• There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
• I leave you with a complaint. Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... well, it's because the national anthem is boring.
• Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
• The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
• (To audience members who were arriving late) You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
• The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people"
• You've made a happy man very old.

Billy Connolly: Live in New York, 2005

• Recently, I turned 60... and even more recently, I turned 62. That was a bastard, I don't even remember the 61.

• I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie.

Billy Connolly Live: Was It Something I Said?, 2007

• I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.
• No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
• They should all join the Brothers of the Beige- "The Beige Sisters of Premenstrual Agony."
• Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
• 53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present, it's not a prize- it's a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I'm a slut man!
• [Jumping, which knocks his drink over] Oh fuck, I did this last night as well.
• Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house...and take that fucking bulldozer with you.
• My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
• [to the front of audience] What was I talking about? Can you remember, eh? What? [to audience at the back] Shut the fuck up, I'm talking to someone! [to front again] Button your cardigan, I can see your cleavage.
• You said, "If you're ever in Los Angeles we must have dinner"- well, he's here. That's not an invitation! Translated, it means: "You're a boring piece of shit, I'm off, I've had enough of you!"
• [Singing] "Oh, the big fire engine goes ding-a-ling-a-ling." No, it fucking doesn't. It used to.
• We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.

Book Sources

• I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.
  • Billy Connolly
• Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
  • Billy Connolly by Nigel Huddleston, published June 2004.
• Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
  • Billy Connolly by Nigel Huddleston, published June 2004.