Billy Madison is a 1995 film about a hotel heir who goes back school, first through twelfth grade, two weeks per grade, to inherit his father's company.

Directed by Tamra Davis. Written by Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler.

Billy's Going Back To School...Way Back!

Billy Madison

• "I'm sorry. I can't hear you; I've been physically abused in the ear!"
• I see your lips movin', but I can't make out the words! I'm deaf! Oh, Veronica Vaughn... Soooo hot...want to touch the hiney...awoooooooooooooooooooooo!
• It's Nudey Magazine day!

• He called the shit "poop"!

• Well, I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety's sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.

• Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy! The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog!

• I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before, and to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.

• That's QUACKTASTIC! Quack, quack, quack!

• Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.

• Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?

• JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!

• (singing) Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my...lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. (bus approaches) Well, here goes nothin'.

• Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool?! Really! [he notices a white swan on the edge of the bathtub.] Stop lookin' at me, swan!

• (after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house)'(drunkenly) Oh. I see what's goin' on in here. (penguin waves at him) So sorry to interrupt! (turns to Veronica) Proceed!

• You ain't cool, unless, you pee your pants! Everybody my age pee their pants; it's the coolest!

• (after Ernie hangs up the phone) YOU BLEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Chlorophyll?! More likeBORE-O-PHYLL! Right?

• I choose Business Ethics.

• [menacingly] O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family is goin' down...but right now, I gotta study!

• Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?

• (at dodgeball period) Now you're all in big, big trouble!

• (to high-school classmate) No, I will not make out with you!

Clown

• Hey, kids it's me, I bet you thought that I was dead! But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head! Ha-ha-ha!

Game Show Host

• Mr. Madison, what you've just said... is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Old Man Clements

• Don't tell me my business, devil woman! Call the fire department; this one's out of control!
• Yuck! Poop again! I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die!!

Dialogue

Billy Madison:(faking sickness so he can skip school. He lays in bed with a mouth thermometer he heated with his desk-lamp.) I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.

Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Billy Madison:(disgusted) Oh, my God! I'll go to school!

---

Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of "ace". I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.

Billy Madison: No, you don't.

Bus Driver: Well, not me personally, but a guy I know...him and her *got it on*! Whoooooo-eeeeee!

Billy Madison: No, they didn't.

Bus Driver: No, no, they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, huh?

---

Dan: Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl...who wa-a-an-

Billy Madison: Pffft! Kid can't even read.

Ernie: Cut it out dude, you're gonna get us in trouble.

Dan: An air-air-air-p-p-p-p-p....

Billy Madison: T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR! Ha-ha-ha!

---

3rd Grader: Hey, look everybody! Billy peed his pants!

Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants! Everyone my age pees their pants; it's the coolest!

3rd Grader: Really?

Billy Madison: YES! You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.

3rd Grader: Hey, look! Ernie peed his pants, too. All right!

Old Farm Lady: If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

Billy Madison: OH! That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! LET'S GO!!!!!!!!!

---

1st grade O'Doyle: Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.

Billy Madison: I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best video game ever.

1st grade O'Doyle: Donkey Kong sucks!

Billy Madison: You know somethin'? You suck!

---

Lunch Lady: Have some more Sloppy Joes. I made 'em EXTRA sloppy for youse! Ha ha ha! I know youse kids like 'em sloppy!

[the lunch lady laughs evilly.]

Billy Madison: Lady, you're scarin' us!

---

Billy Madison: H-hey! Look at all this milk! You want some of this milk?

Veronica Vaughn: That milk belongs to that classroom.

Billy Madison: Oh, they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.

Veronica Vaughn: No milk will ever be our milk.

Billy Madison: Ooh, that wasn't very nice. How 'bout you, Sideburns? You want some of this milk?

Janitor: I'd rather have a beer.

---

Billy: (singing while relaxing in his pool) Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! (makes a smiley face with his sunblock) Smiley!

---

Veronica: You know some people have no will power, no ambition. They just drift through life like lumps of crap.

Jack: What is she talkin' about?!

---

Frank: Well, this is great! When I graduated 1st grade all my dad did was tell me to get a job! Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?

Billy: Maybe later.

Frank: I'll go put some beer in a bucket.

Billy: Okay.

---

Brian: Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you're lookin' for?

Billy: Here's a nice piece of shit!

---

Frank: Hey Billy, who would you rather bone? Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Billy: Jack Nicholson now or 1974?

Frank: '74.

Billy: Meg Ryan.

Frank: (confused look on his face)

---

Brian: Billy, it wasn't just high school. Do you remember that spelling bee you won in the 2nd grade?

Billy: Oh, no you didn't.

Brian: Rock...R-O-K?!

Billy: Yeah, so what's your point?

Brian: R-O-C-K!

Billy: The 'C' is silent, ha-ha!

---

Billy: Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember! What's today?

Frank: October?

Billy: It's Nudie Magazine Day!!

---

12th grade O'Doyle: [after stuffing Billy's locker with manure] O'Doyle rules!

Billy: O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's going down. But for now, I gotta study.

Taglines

• Billy Madison's Going Back To School...Way Back!
• To Inherit His Family's Fortune, Billy Is Going Back To School...Way Back!
• There's A New Name For Dumb.
• A Comedy About An Overwhelming Underachiever.

Cast

• Adam Sandler — Billy Madison
• Bridgette Wilson — Veronica Vaughn
• Bradley Whitford — Eric Gordon
• Darren McGavin — Brian Madison