Lyle

• Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degree!... Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen!

Dialogue

Jim: [taunting Klansmen] Oh boys! Lookie what I have here! [pulls Bart out from behind rock]

Bart: Hey, where da white women at?

Taggart: I got it. I got it.

Hedley Lamarr: You do?

Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.

Hedley Lamarr: "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...

Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.

Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?

Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.

Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous.

Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out...

[People cringe back and a woman screams - he pulls out a letter - people sigh, almost sounding disappointed]

Bart: By the power invested in me by the honorable William J. Le Petomane--

[People start cocking guns and pointing them at Bart]

Bart: --I hereby assume the duties of sheriff in and for the township of Rockridge.

Reverend: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's not let anger rule the day! [waving Bible] As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to saaaayyy!

[A hole is shot through the Bible; the Reverend turns to Bart]

Reverend: Son, you're on your own.

[The people are about to shoot Bart at his opening speech - until he takes himself hostage]

Bart: [in a gruff voice, hauling himself by the collar] Hold it! The next man that makes a move, the nigger gets it.

Dr. Johnson: Hold it men--he's not bluffing! [all but Howard Johnson drop their guns]

Dr. Samuel Johnson: Listen to him, men; he's just crazy enough to do it!

Bart: [still gruffly, to Howard] Drop it, or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head ALL OVER THIS TOWN!

Bart: [pickaninny voice] Oh, Lawdy-Lawd, he's desp'at! Do what he say, do what he saaaayyyy... do what he saaaayyyy... [Howard slowly drops the gun]

[Bart slowly moving towards the sheriff's office, still holding himself hostage]

Harriet Johnson: Isn't anyone going to help that poor man?

Dr. Samuel Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!

Bart: [pickaninny voice] Oh, Oh he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! Somebody He'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me! [gruffly] Shut up! [covers his mouth, pushes into the office] Oh, baby, you are so talented. And they are so dumb!

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

Taggart: God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

Hedley Lamarr: Shit-kicker.

Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?

Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gun slinger in the west. Take this down.

[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]

Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists!

Taggart: [finally finding a pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

Lyle: [Taunting the mainly-black rail workers] When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Come on! Let's hear a good, old nigger work song!

[Enraged, the workers move to attack him, but are stopped by Bart. He promptly proceeds to sing.]

Bart: [Crooning, Sammy Davis, Jr.-style, with fellow railworkers providing backing vocals] I get no kick, from champagne... Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all...[the bullying supervisors look immensely confused] so why then should it be true?... that I get a belt - outta you... Some get a kick from coca-yeai-yeaiiiinnnneee...

Lyle: Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shit?! I meant a song! A real song! Something like [singing] "Swing low, sweet chariot"...

[The railworkers mumble to each other in mock confusion]

Lyle: Don't know that one, huh. Well how about "De Camptown Ladies"?

Bart: De Camptown Ladies?

Railworkers: De Camptown Ladies?

Lyle: Oh, you know! "De Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! Camptown Race Track five miles long, oh-de-do-da-dahy!"

[The white supervisors begin joining in, complete with ludicrous dancing actions, much to the amusement of the railworkers. Suddenly, Taggart rides in aboard a galloping horse, shooting wildly into the air, interrupting the song, and scattering the white supervisors aside.]

Taggart: What in the wide wide world of sports is a-goin' on here?! I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?

Bart: [Disguised as a Klansman] Stampeding cattle.

Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.

Bart: Through The Vatican?

Hedley Lamarr: [pleased] Kinky!!!

Hedley:Qualifications?

Applicant:Rape,arson, murder and rape.

Hedley:You said rape twice.

Applicant:I like rape.

(They laugh)

Hedley:Sign here.

Cast

• Cleavon Little - Sheriff Bart
• Gene Wilder - Jim, aka "The Waco Kid"
• Mel Brooks - Governor William J. Le Petomane
• Madeline Kahn - Lily von Shtupp
• Harvey Korman - Hedley Lamarr
• Slim Pickens - Taggart
• Dom DeLuise - Buddy Bizarre
• Burton Gilliam - Lyle
• John Hillerman - Howard Johnson
• David Huddleston - Olsen Johnson
• Alex Karras - Mongo