Unsourced

• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
• As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

• Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

• I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

• If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

• I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.

• I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.

• I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

• I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe.

• Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

• My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

• People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

• When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

• You mean like Democrats?
  • In reference to a previous description of a zombie

• Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

• I was born in England, but left as soon as I realized I wouldn't be King