Dilbert Quotations

Dilbert is a series of comic strips, drawn by Scott Adams. They often depict an exaggeration of life in the business world. Briefly expanded into television with a short-running TV show.

Sourced

Dogbert: My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people.

Dilbert: Then what does it do?

Dogbert: Why would it need to do anything else?

May 14, 1997

Dogbert: You must use the stars as your management guide.

Pointy Haired Boss: Does that work?

Dogbert: If you believe it works, then you are not bright enough to make your own decisions anyway. So randomness is probably an improvement.

March 10, 1999

Asok: Can you teach me to be apathetic like you?

Wally: Only if you have a strong desire not to learn.

February 7, 2002

Dilmom: Thanks to you, my "Scrabble" night is a living hell.

Dilbert: Do you still use counterfeit vowels?

September 26, 2002

Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's Anger Management Seminar. My goal is to transform you from angry nuts into angry nuts who have paid me.

September 11, 2005

Dilbert: Success is the happy feeling you get between the time you do something and the time you tell a woman what you did.

September 10, 2006

Pointy-Haired Boss: [To himself] The best choice for Employee of the Month is... [Later...] Congratulations to Alice for being our Employee of the Month! You get to use my parking spot near the entrance for the rest of the month.

Alice: I take public transit to work.

Pointy-Haired Boss: You also get to take the rest of today off.

Alice: It's already five o'clock, and you said I need to finish my project by tomorrow morning.

Pointy-Haired Boss: And you get to have pizza with me.

Alice: I'M ON A #!$*% LOW CARB DIET!!!

Pointy-Haired Boss: [To himself, afterwards in his office, eating pizza] I nailed it.

May 27, 2007

Pointy-Haired Boss: [To his department] We can't compete on price. We also can't compete on quality, features or service. That leaves fraud, which I'd like you to call marketing.

September 13, 2007

Catbert: Your boss says you have a bad attitude.

Dilbert: That's because my project is a flailing corpse of misery, and my boss donated his brain to a gum museum. If I had a good attitude in this situation, it would be a sign of mental imbalance. My bad attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly. Are you going to compliment me on my clarity or demand I be irrational?

Catbert: I'm putting you in charge of the Employee Morale Festival.

Dilbert: I have a sudden urge to grab you by the tail and beat myself to death.

Catbert: That's how I know I won the meeting.

January 20, 2008

Asok: (to Dilbert and Alice) I'm going to a seminar that will teach me how to make a million dollars.

Alice: It's a scam.

Asok: How could you know that? I haven't even told you the name of the seminar! You can't be sure it is a scam if you know none of the details. You just want to crush my hopes so I become like you. But it won't work because I have dreams! I won't be a bitter and broken cynic like you two! I'll have the last laugh after I pay my nominal fee and learn how to "Turn a Hundred Dollars Into a Million."

(at the seminar)

Dogbert: Invest $100 at 5% interest and wait 190 years. Thanks for coming.

August 24, 2008

Dogbert: I need a job where my immense ego seems normal.

February 4, 1999

Dogbert: I'm going back to my old job as a network systems administrator.

Dilbert: Why?

Dogbert: I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power.

August 28, 1997

Dogbert: Do you know the difference between an electric razor and a toaster?

Dilbert: No.

Dogbert: No??? Geez, it must take you a long time to shave. Do you burn your face a lot?

Dilbert: I thought you were telling a joke.

Dogbert: How long have you had this problem?

December 6, 1991

Dogbert: My market research indicates that 50% of your customers are above the median age. But the shocking discovery was that 50% were below the median age.

Pointy Haired Boss: What percent are exactly the median age?

Dogbert: I'm proposing to study that in phase two.

July 23, 1994

Tom Jackson: Hi. I'm Tom Jackson. I have a meeting with your boss.

Pointy Haired Boss's Secretary: He has no one by that name on his calendar. The only people he's meeting today are Fob Meterfon, Gom Axfon, and Dabe Aggams.

Tom Jackson: Maybe when your boss said he was meeting with "Tom Jackson" you heard it as "Gom Axfon."

Pointy Haired Boss's Secretary: Is that how you want to play this? Really? SECURITY, COME ARREST THIS MAN!!!

Tom Jackson: (being hauled away by security guards) I'M GOM AXFON! I'M GOM AXFON!

Pointy Haired Boss: (irritated, looking at his watch) Where's Tom Jackson?

Pointy Haired Boss's Secretary: Don't you start with me.

April 26, 2009

Unsourced

Dogbert: Businesses used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. Now it's more of a reincarnation model. If a worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a higher level of employment elsewhere.

Asok: I have forgotten my password. I humbly beg for assistance.

Dogbert: I have no time for boring administrative tasks, you fool! I'm too busy upgrading the network.

Asok: You could have given me a new password in the time it took to belittle me.

Dogbert: Yeah, but which option would give me job satisfaction?

User: I don't know how to use my email.

Dogbert: You need to upgrade your IQ a few points. Try listening to classical music.

Dogbert: I have total access to every employee's email. With a few strategic edits, I will transform the office into Melrose Place.

Dogbert: 63% of all statistics are made up... including this one.

Dogbert: When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed…

Dogbert: All great ideas look like bad ideas to people who are losers. It's always good to test a new idea with known losers to make sure they don't like it.

Dogbert: I have a new personal crusade. I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube.

Dogbert: You're not entitled to your opinion. I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never again be uttered.

Dilbert: My company lost a frooglepoopillion dollars. I'm embarrassed to tell people where I work.

Dogbert: Never be afraid to tell the truth about yourself.

Dilbert: Because honesty is the best policy?

Dogbert: Because no one pays any attention to what you say.

Dogbert: Dear Tim, your book does not meet our current publishing needs. Your plot was lame and I hated your characters. By association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I have hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript.

Dilbert: How's the book publishing business coming along?

Dogbert: Great! I get to reject a dozen authors a day. I call them untalented dolts and they thank me for it.

Dilbert: Eventually, you have to publish something.

Dogbert: Yeah, well, that's the conventional wisdom.

Dogbert: I'm writing a book that debunks the effectiveness of business consultants.

Dilbert: But common sense would say that you're being a consultant yourself. So your opinion is logically flawed. Only people with no common sense will buy your book.

Dogbert: I prefer to call them the mass market.

Host: My guest today on 'Money Chatter' is the head of the 'Dogbert Mutual Fund'. It's reported that your fund is the highest of the decade. Tell us how you made that happen.

Dogbert: Okay. Apparently, this guy will read anything you hand him.

Pointy Haired Boss: I've hired the Dogbert 'Touchy-Feely' Institute to teach us about teamwork.

Dogbert: We'll start with an exercise about trust. I want each of you to sign blank cheques and give them to me.

Dilbert: What will this teach us about trust?

Dogbert: It will teach you that trust is an excellent quality for others to have.

Dogbert: Your biggest asset is rampant ignorance. You would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. Employees stay here because they don't know there are better jobs across the street. Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid accidental exposure to knowledge.

Dogbert: There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.

Dogbert: Work is for losers. A winner says 'That's on my list' and never commits to a deadline.

Dilbert: Do you ever feel guilty for scamming innocent people out of their money?

Dogbert: I only scam people who would do the same thing to me if they were smarter.

Dogbert: The Dogbert method of eliminating guilt is simple. All of your problems are caused by invisible people named Juan and Cindy. All you have to do is find them and kill them.

Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious. Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own.

Dogbert: Today I'll teach you to recognize when you're boring. This is called a yawn. When you see one, stop talking about yourself.

Dogbert: My recommendations are based on an analysis of accountablity. As a consultant, I'm not accountable to your stockholders. So I can recommend anything that amuses me.

Dogbert: I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con & insult, you get consult!

Dogbert: If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man then you are a consultant.

Pointy Haired Boss: In Japan employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.

Bob the Dinosaur: It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

Dogbert: This'll cure you immediately.

Dilbert: Really? What is it?

Dogbert: A placebo.

Dilbert: A placebo? Now that you've told me it's a placebo, it's not gonna work.

Dogbert: It will if you think it will.

Dilbert: But I already know it's a placebo!

Dogbert: Maybe it isn't.

Dilbert: You just said it was!

Dogbert: That's precisely the power of the placebo.