Mathew Pryderi Pritchard

• "Sleep when you're dead."
• (after catching Dainton drawing a pentagram in blood on his floor) Aww, Daint, you can't put a fucking pentagram on my floor. I...I'm not a devil house!"
• "Fucking Dainton... he's got a big willy..."
• (drunk) "I like to gamble! I like to gamble money, I li... I... burps I like to gamble!"
• "How funny is Pancho? Really, really funny."
• (After having something go into his head) "God man, that's your head! There's important stuff in there!"
• (to Dainton:) "Daint, stop being a dick for once in your life will you?!"
• (When Pritchard and Pancho accidentally marry) "Panch stop making a fucking making a joke of it! This is real shit!"
• (When Pritchard and Pancho accidentally marry) "I'll kick you in the fanny in a minute, I'm not married...to a MAN."
• (Playing Moisty's Mallet) "I was in fucking thick class in school, they never taught us about Dinosaurs, alright?!"
• (Playing Moisty's Mallet, trying to say, 'Rain Forest')"Water Jungle."
• (When Dainton throws a spider at him) "Get him away from my life!"
• "Make him scream, make him cry...make him want an apple pie."
• (After being sprayed by Dainton with pepper spray) "FUCKING ROCK'N'ROLL! FUCKING ROCK'N'ROLL!"
• "Aww, look at the little chicks!"
• (After Joycey commenting - "That's a very classy way of doing it" - on Pritchard's choice of the cigarette cutter to slice his finger off) "I'm a posh man, Daniel."
• Daniel Joyce - he makes the ladies moist.
• (With mouse traps on his ear) "The Mouse Catcher - Gimme some mice! Where the fucking mice? Where the fucking mice?! Let me at 'em!"
• (After being whipped in the back) "That's a Paul Weller! It just wells up!"
• (Referring to a spider) "He's so big he can't fit in his house!"
• (To Dainton) "Let's see your starfish."
• (Whispering to Dainton) "Smell my shit."
• (To Dainton:) "Would you like me to lapdance for you, scary Newport man?"
• (When Pancho tries to pull his hair out) "Leave my hair alone you little shit!"
• (After Dainton shaves the top of Pritchards hair off whilst he was asleep) "It's gone! My Hair's fucking gone!.....I look like a fucking Nun!"
• "This is Dirty Sanchez not fucking gay school!"
• (To Dainton in the 'Guess the Ladyboy challenge') "Oh Daint, she's got wicked fucking knockers!"
• (After Dainton throws a dart, which hits Pritchard on his finger) "Don't play fucking darts with Dainton! Right in the fucking nail.....Twat!"
• (After burying Dainton's jacket with Dan & Pancho) "I fucking buried his jacket and he still fucking knows! Daint, have you got fucking eyes in the back of your fucking head?! Absolute fuck it! Take me fucking back to Wales!"
• (About his mother) "She's 55, she must have taken it up the backdoor once upon a time!"
• "That shuddered my brain!"
• (While cooking a pube pizza for Dan) "All the time I was a chef, I never prepared anything like this..."
• "I can't stand being serious, that's my problem"
• (In an interview about his girlfriend) "Ohh, this is where the lovey dovey bit comes in!"
• (While Dainton is teasing him about a spider) "It could be on your cock, it could be in your hair, it could be in your gob, I don't want to touch it!"
• (Talking about nakedness) "Ohh, look at his winky, thats a bit small!"
• (Having an earring torn out) "If I get hit by a car or a bus, it's gonna hurt more than an earlobe, so fucking rip my ear out!"
• (Having his health asessed) "Look at that belly! You can tell I've had a good life since the first show!"
• "Some of the things I've done over the years are absolutely stupidly...well just absolutely stupid!"
• (About Pancho) "I like to think I could trust Panch with my life, but he's so clumsy and uncoordinated, he'd just fuck it up."
• (While choosing some jeans) "Got to flash your ass for the cowgirls!"
• (About a football boot) "That is literally going RIGHT into my arse."
• (When asked to make a wish) "Can I bum Daint tonight?"
• (After Dainton hits him) "Yep. Right in the fucking eardrum. Lovely."
• (After hitting Dainton with a fishing line) "This was made to pick up 500 pounds worth of fish, and it snapped on PlumBum's arse!"
• "Vultures are called vultures because they're vultures. What the fuck am I saying?"
• (Hitting Pancho with a rolling pin) "Your hand is my pastry, look away!"

• "I don't like pain. I'm a big pussy really."
• (About Pritchard) "He's like 'Hey, jump off a cliff!' 'OK then, I'll just jump off a cliff!' 'No, no, I was only joking!' 'Well, why not? We're here, lets just jump off it. How bad can it be? Either I die or I won't...' That's him, Mister Fifty-fifty."
• "You know this shit's Newport!"
• "Pancho's got a fucking sniper rifle, I wouldn't trust him with a fucking pea shooter!"
• "All the wannabe-trendies who took the piss out of skateboarding, now they're trying to dress like skateboarders. So we've gone back to dressing smart... but like "dirty-smart". I dunno, it's just a blazer, man!"
• "Pancho, I'm telling the whole world. You are...SPUNK CHOPS!"
• "Pancho's biggest fear is... me telling you about the spunk challenge!"
• (After sitting on a safety pin) "There's a prick up my arse!"
• "Describe Joyce? Hmm... A gimp/townie with a little bit of skateboarder. You're almost really inbred!
• "Tonight, I'm going to be Doctor Daint!"
• "What's up, Shit-Lips?"
• "Mind over matter, boys! Mind over fucking matter!"
• (After Pritchard knocks his hand whilst going to touch a tarantula) "It'll bite me! Fuck off! It bit me once already...in my mind."
• "Can I have my food sprinkled with the magic of Thailand, please?" (Pancho:) "What's that, chili sauce?"
• "That's right, I'm pink. And pink might be pussy. But this pink guy is now a superhero. And this superhero is called, 'Pinky Dinky Dainty.' And he's gunna fuck Pritchard's world."
• "I was a rabbit in my former life"
• "I could sit here drinking whiskey and eating bugs all night, it's like pork scratchings"
• "This soup better be Weight Watchers!"
• (To Pancho) "Panch you're not suppose to hit me, I'm your mate you fucking idiot!"
• (To Pancho on the building site) "Fucking make your arms go as fast as your fucking mouth" (Pancho:) "Shut up, you bellend"
• (After giving Pancho a 'mohawk') "Mr Mohawk's...pissed right off!"
• (Talking about his OCD) "NO, let me explain my teeth brushing...This is so fucked up!"
• "I hope you know you've opened yourself up to a whole world of pain!"
• (About Pancho) "He's always too pissed to get it together to have revenge!"
• "When you come tp Newport, NO ONE can hear you scream!"
• (After nailing Pritchards penis to a plank of wood) "If it didnt hurt, I wouldn't pull it Pritchard!"
• (Taking the piss out of Dan) "Ohh, my nose hairs are gonna burn"
• (After Dan is sick a weird colour) "What the fuck have you been eating Joyce?"
• (Taking the piss out of Pritch) "There's no rings on these fingers!"
• "Day 5 in the Dainton house, and the baby's started to burn things."
• (When being told to rub salt in a friction burn) "Fucking rub it in?! It's fucking MELTING in!"
• (When being buried in snow) "I think I'm halucinating! I'm dying! I'm shutting down!"
• (To Pritchard) "You've gone agro on your own issues, you're really fucked up ain't you!"
• "Give me razor blades and saftey pins any day!"
• (Talking to himself) "Like skulls, death ripping through the groud, the devil's got horns.."
• (While cutting someones hair) "The look I'm trying to achieve is...I haven't got a fucking clue."

Michael 'Pancho' Locke

• "Big or small, fuck 'em all."
• (Getting ready to snort up the contents of an ashtray) "And now... Johnny Cash - Snort some ash!"
• (After finding out he is legally married to Pritchard) "I can't be married to fucking Freddie Boswell, I got a good woman back home!"
• (Whilst getting a tattoo on his backside) "My arse has gone like a piece of wobbly jelly."
• (About to get his arse waxed) "Right in the Gary Glitter!"
• (After getting a D lock locked around his neck) "Right! Short man syndrome? Fuckin' right! I'm taking it to a fucking level this time! (Starts thumping the nearest door) AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!
• "This is a bloody bar, you arsehole! This isn't a house ... This is my bar!"
• "It's true, I am the fool of the show!"
• (After dislocating his little finger) "This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home... this little piggy went to the pub, where I wish I'd gone to instead of the back of this van. This little piggy went to the club, with the lovely young mum...Single Mum...dirty mum... and this little piggy doesn't know what the fuck is going on!"
• (Trying to smash a double glazed window pane with his head) "My head feels like a fucking gypo's arse!"
• (Upon Pritchard confuses the word "Water Jungle" with "Rain Forest") "I thought I was thick!"
• (After being hit between the legs with a shovel) "My fucking bell-end is on fucking fire!"
• (After eating stinging nettles) "No more nettles for tea, boys. This organic stuff is shit!
• (When Dainton asks if Pritchard's tattoo - "I Love Dainton" - on his penis is real) "Try rubbing it off, Daint!"
• (After being woken up by being pelted with oranges and spray painted green with is clothes cut up to try and make him look like The Incredible Hulk) "Oh i'm green...great"
• (Talking about a gig they did in Berlin) "I'd rather wank my old man off than turn up there again..."
• "Forward roll, time for a stroll"
• (Waking up drunk in a car after Dan had shaved his head) "Right, fuck the skate comp, fuck everything" (Dan:) "Skate comp? We're not at a skate comp!"
• (Before drinking glass of vodka) "I'm about to say...Goodnight Irene"
• (Whilst being hypnotised in Germany to rap every time he hears music) "Yeah. Lets go. Let's rock this mother fucking disco!"
• (After being hit on the head with a brick) "Right on the fucking cranium!"
• "Don the trash, time for a smash!"
• (Talking about a car) "What about if it just proper mows me over?" (Pritchard:) "Trust us Panch, it's not gunna mow you over" (Dainton:) "Yeah, we've got a tape measure and everything" (Pancho:) "Short man, short life. Fucking Goodbye"
• "Daint, I don't give a fuck if you've got a flux capacitor in that fucking car! I'm not going in there, right?"

Dan Joyce

• "Welcome to Dirty Sanchez. I've just eaten a man."
• (After Pritchard attempts to break the world record for the most paint balls to a naked body) "You look like fucking King Kong's spunked on you!"
• "I'm the vaginator, all the way from Vagville, Tennessee!"
• (Before a crab race in Phi Phi) "Luckily, Daint, I think I picked up crabs in fucking Bangkok and these are fast fuckers."
• (After spitting out the tip of Pritchard's finger) "I couldn't do it, man! It was all fleshy!"
• "The first rule of fucking Pin Club is don't talk about fucking Pin Club!"
• (Before naked paintball) "I'm in the nude for fighting!"
• "Yeah, Pancho's going to have his day, there will be Pancho's revenge...although saying that, he's always too pissed to get it together to have revenge."
• (Referring to his penis whilst having his testicles waxed, laughing hysterically) "It's shriveled up! It's gone away! I've got no fucking dick! It's never been that small in my life! The man with the world's smallest knob!"
• "I'm gonna go wank off a horse!"
• (Throws up on a pizza before eating it again) "I'm like a fucking fly!"
• (Talking about Dainton's new dress sense) "I know he like 'The Ramones' and he wears a Ramones T-Shirt. But New York Dolls? I've never heard him listening to New York Dolls. And Guns and Roses! He's never going "Take me down to the Paradise City, where the girls are green and the grass is pretty"... oh, that's the wrong way round isn't it!
• (holding a handful of pubic hair on his chin) "Osama Bin Laden!"
• "When you're the gimp, you're kind of like Zorro. It's like no-one knows who you are. But I'm trying to make him a 'comedy gimp', something people can relate to. There should be dancing gimp, barmitzfa gimp, funeral gimp."
• "When I get married, I might go as a gimp! Imagine that! From behind, you don't notice. And I'll turn round as my wife'll be walking down the aisle..."HELLO" (laughs, before flicking his tongue in and out) With a snooker ball in me gob!
• "Faster! Faster! Ah, that's it. Faster like a Pasta-eating Rasta!"
• (When Pritchard and Pancho accidentally marry) "When we get to Greece, think of it as your honeymoon!"
• "I've just eaten a fucking man! For fucks sake..."
• (After Dainton commenting on Dan fisting a dead cow) "Aw, that was a bit of love!"
• I'm not putting my head in another man's bum!
• "I'd rather wank my old man off, Panch."
• "Phi Phi, fuck me, this place is a fucking wank...ville"
• "The rich...now they're a bunch of funny fuckers!"
• "It's not natural to run is it? The only time you should run is if you're on fire"
• "I quite like this healthy lifestyle now" (Throws up)
• (After giving a make-over to a girl in a beauty salon) "Oh look, i've created a monster!"