Directed by Michael Patrick Jann. Written by Lona Williams.

Amber Atkins

• Oh no, my mom never kept a secret of the fact my dad chose his career over us. What was it she used to say? Once a carnie, always a carnie. Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top.

Gladys Leeman

• Hello Father Donnagan, sidewalks? sidewalks? Iris, stop it, it's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of them.

• Oh my God! My baby. That swan ate my baby. Baby, please, get out, we gotta go to State!

Becky Ann Leeman

• My Mom gave me this 9mil for my birthday, I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners". That's why, no matter what I do, I aim to win.

• I chose Mount Rushmore, 'cause to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans who did so much to make our country super great, well that makes me, Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American.

Other

• Tammy: Maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant, but other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club either, and I did. It's just like Anthony Robins says, "I'm a winner, nobody can stop me, but me".

• Annette: I shoved your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out of the house, you go find the guy who cut them off, he'll give 'em to you so you can practice for the pageant.

• Lesley: They'll never let you perform naked, I asked.
• Hank: Harold, Harold, Are we on cops again Harold?

Dialogue

Hank: I want a big bag of little donuts.

Iris: It's a $200 fine.

Gladys: I told you I'd move the car if a cripple came. Now, just run in the store and pick out some outfits.

Gladys: Wait, wait, wait. I think I just thought of a theme... "Proud to be an American".

Interviewer: So what was the theme of the pageant last year?

Gladys: Oh, that was "Buy American".

Interviewer: And the year before that was?

Gladys: "USA's A-OK"

Interviewer: And can you remember the theme of your favourite pageant?

Gladys: Can I? "Amer-I-Can!" People ask me where I get this, I don't know, maybe it's a gift from God, or something.

Candy Striper: Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her friend Serious Sally, how about some nice cool mints to turn those frowns upside-down.

Loretta: D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if I shoved your head up your ass?

Gladys: You-betcha, Rebecca's ready. She's been singin' and dancin' since she was knee high to a pig's eye.

Lester: Yah-she's damn near as good as that little black fella - with the glass eye.

Gladys: Sammy Davis, Jr., honey.

Lester: Yeah, yeah, the Jew.

Becky: Nice one, Dad. He's dead.

Amber: Nice, Becky, she's anorexic.

Becky: She's skinny Amber, not deaf!

Amber: Mom! Mom! Mom!

Firefighter: You family?

Loretta: Oh no, she's just screaming "Mom, Mom" 'cause she's got Tourettes. She's Annette's kid, dipshit.

Amber: This is bullshit.

Iris: Amber Atkins, that is not American Teen Princess language.

Amber: Good. Because this isn't an American Teen Princess pageant. This is.. this is.. this is.. Nazi Germany! (storms off)

Iris: Where do they get this stuff?

John Dough: Well, you know, we'll, uh, compare scores and figure out a winner. 'Cause, I mean, we don't know who the winner is yet. I have no idea who Jean picked... or Harold... no idea.

Hank: I know who the winner is, I know who the winner is... Harold, I know who the winner is.

John: God damn, that's it. Shut your Goddamn mouth.

Becky: I'm so excited. I mean, I won. I'm a winner. And I'm going to State.

Gladys: She's a winner. And we're going to State!

Terry Macey: And you are?

Amber: Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

Terry: Funny, you don't look dead.

Cast

• Kirsten Dunst — Amber Atkins
• Denise Richards — Becky Ann Leeman
• Kirstie Alley — Gladys Leeman
• Ellen Barkin — Annette Atkins
• Allison Janney — Loretta
• Amy Adams — Lesley Miller
• Mindy Sterling — Iris
• Brooke Bushman — Tammy Curry
• Matt Malloy — John Dough
• Will Sasso — Hank
• Mo Gaffney — Terry Macey