Entourage Quotations

Entourage is an original comedy series on HBO. The show chronicles the rise of a hot young movie star named Vincent Chase and his childhood friends from Queens as they navigate the unfamiliar terrain of Hollywood. Vince's entourage consists of: Eric, his closest friend, who acts as his manager; Johnny "Drama" Chase, his older brother, an avid cook and a struggling actor in his own right; and Turtle, who is simply living the high life riding Vince's coattails and serving as chauffeur. Other characters in the series are: Ari, Vince's high-powered agent; Shauna, his long-suffering publicist; and Emily, Ari's personal assistant and Eric's former love interest. The show was created by Doug Ellin. The executive producer is Mark Wahlberg.

Entourage (Pilot) [1.01]

Eric: Could you get laid without Vince? That's the question.

Turtle: Do I give a fuck? That's the answer!

Vince: That's what good actors do, they listen. Right, Johnny?

Drama: What?

The Review [1.02]

[The guys are talking about their "first time."]

Turtle: Sure, Eric... you had to beg for pussy on prom night.

Eric: Yeah, but I begged my GIRLFRIEND, Turtle... not some $40 hooker who declined my mother's credit card.

Jessica Alba: [welcoming the guys to a party] Bar's over there. Girls: everywhere.

Talk Show [1.03]

Eric: The only person you ever loved is yourself.

Drama: What's not to love.

Date Night [1.04]

[Justine Chapin and Vince are flirting in a club.]

Justine: You're gonna have to work for it.

Vince: I got into this business so I wouldn't have to work.

The Script and the Sherpa [1.05]

The Sherpa: The Earth is moving. Did you feel that? Everything. All the time. Dimensions we can't even see. Everything is evolving. Turtle, you're a dove.

Turtle: That's cool. Can I hit that, Sherp? Thanks.

Eric: You afraid of getting busted?

The Sherpa: Busted? I'm entrusted, man. I don't steal. I heal. We're not getting stoned. We're getting honed. My probation officer's one of my best customers. I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner of, uh, war. War on Drugs. It's all so negative, man. I mean, the Man's most positive positive-tive is a nega-tive. It's a mega-nega-tive. Right? [shouts] Viking Quest! Let them be low. We are getting high. We're not getting fucked down. We're getting fucked up.

Busey and the Beach [1.06]

Gary Busey: You are a gut maggot without guts.

Ari: Geez, you're gonna spin off this planet. That's great! Keep it up!

Ari: You know another class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's mother fucking clients, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I'm going to take everyone: your B-level sitcom stars, your reality-TV writers. When I'm done with you, you're gonna be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jo-Jo the Dog-Face-Bitch-Boy? Call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen-stealing fuckface.

New York [1.08]

Eric: You know what, I don't even have health insurance.

Ari: Yeah, but I bet you had it over at Quiznos.

Eric: Sbarro's. And I had a business card.

Ari: There you go.

Drama: You look familiar.

Audition Producer: You auditioned for me a couple of years ago.

Drama: Oh, yeah, yeah. How did that go?

Audition Producer: [pauses] You know...

Drama: Yeah, you can't book 'em all.

The Boys Are Back in Town [2.01]

[Ari has Vince and 'E' in his office; he's about to tell them about a new movie project.]

Ari: You're ready?

Eric: Let's go Ari. We're ready, c'mon!

Ari: [points to Eric] This kid's got no patience. You know, in some countries they cut off your little elfin feet for disrupting the master's flow.

Eric: I'll shove my elfin foot up in your ass!

Ari: You missed me, didn't you?

Vince: Ari! C'mon!

Ari: All right! You're ready? AAAQUAMAN!

Vince: Aquaman?

Ari: Aquaman, baby!! It is Spiderman... underwater. Boooom!

Eric: Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic.

Ari: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That's what actors do. They pretend.

Eric: All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes?

Ari: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.

Eric: Where is Vince on that list?

Ari: He ain't on the list.

Eric: Well, how do we get him on the list?

Ari: You do Aquaman, you stupid fuck!

My Maserati Does 185 [2.02]

Drama: Let me get this straight. She convinces you to get these extravagant accommodations and then she bails?

Eric: She didn’t bail, she got sick. Before the date, unlike your girls, that get sick when they arrive.

Eric [to Vince]: Forget that girl. The only reason she was with me was 'cause I'm your manager.

Turtle: So? Do you know how much pussy I got in this town that I didn't deserve?

Drama: All of it?

Aquamansion [2.03]

Turtle: Vince is a born superstar and we will always have the money we need.

Ari: MC Hammer could've used a guy like you, Turtle, back in the day.

Drama: [to the bouncers at the Playboy Mansion] Can you call me a cab?

Patrick: Try using your thumb down on Sunset.

An Offer Refused [2.04]

Drama: I think we should turn the pool to face south. Very Feng Shui.

Ari: Dana, I love you. If I wasn't married, I would take you back to Cabo.

Dana Gordon: And it wasn't Cabo, Ari. It was a Red Roof Inn in Rosarito.

Ari: Well, it sure felt like Cabo to me, Dana.

Neighbors [2.05]

Lloyd: I got Dana Gordon's assistant on the phone.

Ari: What the fuck are you wearing?

Lloyd: I'm trying out new looks. This one's my Andre 3000. You like?

Ari: No, I don't. You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple fuckin' axel over to the phone and try Cameron again?

[Dana Gordon has not returned Ari's calls.]

Ari: I want you to pass this message along to Dana. Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun. Tell her that I'm going to start a website. I'm going to take a full page ad out in the L.A. Times advertising. Tell her it will be called I'm-a-hollywood-executive-whore.com, and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I want a fucking callback!

Chinatown [2.06]

Ari: Chang Chung is the hottest director in Hong Kong. Tarantino has already decided he's the next guy he wants to steal from.

Vince: Cool. Guy must be good. Tarantino only steals from the best.

Ari: That's right, baby.

Eric: Ari, I'm getting killed here. Vince isn't happy.

Ari: Of course he's not happy. Nobody's happy in this town except for the losers. Look at me. I'm miserable. That's why I'm rich.

The Sundance Kids [2.07]

Drama: On the way here, I was dreaming of hooking up with a nice Mormon girl.

Turtle: So why don't you go after a Mormon, Drama? I mean, they're all over the place here. Besides, everyone knows they know how to treat their man right. They're like Catholic girls times one hundred.

Eric: You think the night before a Mormon wedding a guy says "How am I gonna sleep with the same eight women for the rest of my life?"

Turtle: What about when you divorce all your wives? They get an eighth of all your property.

Eric: No, Turtle, it's a ninth. Otherwise, Vince wouldn't get shit.

Vince: Good lookin' out, E!

Oh Mandy [2.08]

Vince: Any big news stories today, E?

Eric: What do you mean?

Vince: Mandy's really smart. She was always testing me on what was going on in the world.

[Everyone is silent.]

Turtle: I heard Pamela Anderson dropped another tit size.

Drama: This is kind of embarrassing, but sometimes I wake up in the morning fully tented. Any advice?

Dr. Joyce Brothers: Well, at your age, consider yourself lucky.

I Love You Too [2.09]

Turtle: Ari Gold, you just got demoted to Silver.

Jesse Jane: So, what brings you to Dorkapalooza?

The Bat Mitzvah [2.10]

Drama: One day you're lighting up in front of a dozen adults at a Bat Mitzvah, the next you're cruisin' down Santa Monica Boulevard offering handjobs for a crack rock.

Kid:Which one of you did that?

[Drama looks guilty.]

Turtle: It's like getting mad at the bull for giving you the horns when you shouldn't have been in the ring in the first place.

Blue Balls Lagoon [2.11]

Drama: I remember I broke up with Stacy Laruzzo a week before Valentine's Day. I got back with her a week after. No chocolates, no roses...

Eric: No class.

Vince: We look at it like we've been dating for five years with a four and a half-year break.

Good Morning, Saigon [2.12]

Drama: Nobody takes cabs in L.A., Turtle.

Turtle: That's 'cause no one can figure out what color they are. I mean, they got blue ones, green ones, red ones, white ones.

Drama: Fuck a city where the cabs aren't monochromatic yellow.

Drama: I'm telling you, once your car's been stolen, it never runs the same again. It's like a guy sleeping with your girl. He leaves his mark all over her.

Exodus [2.13]

Ari: I will be starting my own agency. Two very important goals will apply: to make everyone who is in at the ground floor rich, and to burn this motherfucking place to the ground! Lloyd, are you with me? [Lloyd remains silent. Ari approaches him] Lloyd, what are you doing? You and me we have a special bond. Come on, let's go.

Lloyd: Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.

Ari: I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.

Turtle: He cries in front of her, shows her he's sensitive... bang! He moves right in.

Drama: Yeah. His tears will basically act as a lubricant.

The Abyss [2.14]

Lloyd: How'd it go?

Ari: How'd the fucking Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?

Eric: Sloan, I'm a college dropout, all right? Guys in the mailroom out here have Wharton MBAs.

Aquamom [3.01]

Vince: What's so special about these two?

Turtle: Vince, these two will fuck us if we take them, guaranteed!

Vince: How do you know?

Turtle: Cause they said "if you take us, we'll fuck you!".

Drama: It's like chummin’ for sharks, Vince. You throw enough blood and guts in the water, you're bound to catch a great white.

Eric: Yeah, except there's gonna be fifty girls at the party who all show up thinkin' they're your dates.

Turtle: And what happens when fifty sharks show up lookin' for their goodies, E?

Drama and Turtle: Feeding frenzy!

One Day In The Valley [3.02]

Ari: We're gonna dent that headboard. No bullshit. I guarantee you! You will not walk right tomorrow.

[Ari is at his house, nervous with the prospect that "Aquaman" may hit low numbers on its premiere.]

Ari: Blackouts? Fuckin' Blackouts! [looks up at the sky] Thank you very much!

Ari's Wife: The town will understand it, Ari. It's not the movie's fault.

Ari:: Baby... It wasn't the Cubs' fault when that douchebag grabbed the foul ball either, but they still don't get the World Series' ring. There are no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards, and ours is currently reading "FUCKED"!

Dominated [3.03]

Ari: [to Turtle] Hey, moron. He's thirteen.

Drama: In celeb years, it's like 30.

Eric: So what's that make you, Drama? Like, 140?

Drama: So you're admitting I'm a celeb.

Guys and Dolls [3.04]

Eric: [Waking up at 5:30 a.m. and dialing Ari] Enjoy this, motherfucker.

Ari's Wife: [hearing Ari's phone ring] Who died?

Ari: No one, yet. [answers the phone] What?

Eric: It looks like I woke you up this time, Ari.

Ari: No, but you did wake my wife and kids, dickhead. Vinnie better be sitting in prison with a DUI or something. Is he?

Eric: No...

Ari: Then what the fuck do you want, cunt muscle?

Ari: Hey, hey. Boys are looking sharp.

Drama: Uh, hey, thanks, Ari.

Ari: Actually, I meant the other boys.

Crash and Burn [3.05]

Ari: Baby, those tears mean our little girl is gonna stay our little girl for at least another day.

Ari's Wife: Awww, Ari.

Ari: Now, how about a quick blowjob before my Vince dinner?

Drama: You know what they say: "An actor with a no agent is..."

Eric: Is what?

Drama: Is fucked!

Three's Company [3.06]

Drama: She was ice cold. Did you hear what she said to me when I asked to buy her a drink?

Eric: No, what?

Drama: "No, thank you." What a bitch.

Ari: You all have one goal today: to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase, a job. Any job. I don't care if its a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverbacked apes. If there are cameras rolling, everybody wins. Ten grand to whoever can get this to me today.

Lloyd: Can I vie for the ten grand prize too, Ari?

Ari: Sure, but you'll get paid in yen.

Strange Days [3.07]

Drama: Freud says there are no accidents...

Eric: Oh, yeah? You two crossed swords during your threesome... accident?

Turtle: It could be fun, Vince. Like that time you got auctioned off at the Feed the World event.

Vince: Jesus. Remember that Cuban guy who bought me and wanted me to come live with him in Havana?

Drama: The guy never sent me those Cuban cigars he promised. I should call.

Turtle: Yeah. Ask him if he knows any good lefties for the Yanks' bullpen while you're at it.

The Release [3.08]

Lloyd: This lying is making me break out. God, I have a date tonight.

Ari: Well, I'm sure your date will pop that with his pecker. Don't worry.

Drama: You know, Eddie Burns offered me "Brothers McMullen." True story. But I took a TV show instead.

Turtle: Was that when you did your full-frontal "Red Shoe Diary?"

Drama: No. That's when I did my three-episode arc on 90210, sexually harassing Tori Spelling.

Turtle: Nice choice.

Vegas Baby, Vegas! [3.09]

Eric: Hey, jerkoff. You signed him up to judge a stripper contest.

Turtle: Really? Titties?

Eric: It's a stripper contest.

Turtle: Nice.

Turtle: Wait 'til you see dinner. I got ten of the best strippers in town joining us tonight.

Drama: Strippers — why?

Turtle: Now shouldn't it be "Strippers — how?" and "Thank you"?

Vince: Thank you.

I Wanna Be Sedated [3.10]

Vince: It's sad to watch the kids leave the nest.

Eric: Remember me?

Ari: One never forgets their first love, E.

Manic Monday [3.15]

Ari: Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game because they're playing the fucking Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101. Which, I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me — I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with. And just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number, like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day.

Ari's Wife: You're really only our fifth.

Ari: You shitty dime-store therapist. A man's life is on the line here, and all you give a fuck about is beating some stupid club record that will do what for you? Give you five minutes of pleasure while you fuck your underpaid, emasculated husband tonight? How the fuck does he afford this place anyway? Isn't he a guidance counselor at a high school?

Gary's Desk [4.08]

[Eric answers the phone in his new office.]

Eric: Eric Murphy.

Ari: Like the new office number, "E"? You know, it spells 274-COCK.

Eric: It does not!

Ari: No, it doesn't, but I made you look!

Ari: Jeter and A-Rod let their dicks fly in the same locker room and they fuckin' hate each other!

First Class Jerk [5.08]

Lloyd: What's wrong?

Ari: Has so much cum been squirted into those eyes you can't see what's right in front of your face? Amanda Daniels takes that job, Vince is fucked and I'm fucked. Which means we're all fucked. And we're fucked in the way you like to get fucked, not fucked in the way that normal people like to get fucked.