Directed and written by Woody Allen.

Joe

• In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.
• I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
• There was a moment there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed.
• You're going to major in Journalism or Law. Not Rowing.

Bob

• How did I end up with a kid on the other end of the political spectrum? How did I fail?
• I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I remember this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.
• It's like Noel Coward... with hockey!
• Honey! Bring down a copy of my will... and an eraser!

Steffi

• Steffi: I say give them an opportunity to decorate their own cells with their personal interior decorator.
• Steffi: Bob, calm your denial mechanism.
• Steffi: I've been trying since we got divorced to find the right woman for him, somebody to match up with his personality. I'm beginning to wonder if the world population isn't too limited.

Other

• Laura: Please, no humiliating schemes.
• Rapper: Yo check it I'm through with love / I'm through with all you muthafuckas.
• DJ: That's Frieda, our maid. Personally I think she was Hitler's maid at Berchesgarden.

Dialogue

Steffi: You always pick the wrong women.

Joe: Hey, I picked you.

Steffi: Yeah, I know, we got divorced.

Joe: 'Cause you were impossible to live with.

Steffi: "I was impossible to live with," I love this. You couldn't figure out whether you wanted to be a psychoanalyst or a writer!

Joe: So I compromised, I became a writer and a patient.

Steffi: Y'know over the years I often wondered what would have happened if we stayed together.

Joe: Well, that's something we never gonna know. We've managed to produce a fabulous daughter though. She got your looks, fortunately, and my... magic personality.

Joe: Carol was a poet and a member of MENSA so...

Steffi: She was a heroin addict!

Joe: Yeah she was also a heroin addict, but I thought it was insulin, so how was I to know?

Charles Ferry: How was it?

Schuyler Dandridge: Good considering I'd never kissed a sociopath.

Bob: Frieda, this pasta doesn't have any sauce

Frieda: It's Bavarian pasta, it doesn't need sauce. The Italians need sauce. The Italians were weak!

Charles Ferry: If you were my girl, I'd make love to you in every room of the house, on every table top, on every rug...

Schuyler Dandridge: We also have some lovely Early American chandeliers...

Laura: [singing] I'm through with love, I'll never fall again.

Steffi: What are you talking about? Your only 14!

Bob: [singing] I'm through with love, I'll never fall again.

Steffi: What are you talking about? Your not in love with Holden!