Green Wing (series 1) Quotations

For the Special quotes, see Green Wing Special.

Green Wing (2004 – 2007) is a British television comedy broadcast on Channel 4. The first series was transmitted between 3 September and 29 October 2004. The Comic Relief sketches were shown on 11 March 2005. It was nominated for, and received a number of awards. A DVD of the series was released on 3 April 2006, but did not include the comic relief sketches.

Caroline's First Day [1.1]

Guy: Two things women want, ok? Money and protection.

Martin: Well, I've got a helmet and a credit card.

[as Caroline's phone starts ringing in the operating theatre]

Guy: Your shoes are ringing.

Mac: [quietly] It might be a lesbian.

Guy: Or the mother ship.

Guy: Guy Secretan - it's Swiss.

Caroline: Ah, cuckoo clocks, no beaches. Theft of Jewish gold after the fall of Nazi Germany. Sorry, I expect everyone says that.

Guy: No...

Mac: Martin, Martin, see this? Is that your - is this your signature?

Martin: Yeah, it is, yeah.

Mac: Yeah - can't really do smiley faces on death certificates, it does look a little bit insensitive, okay?

Guy: You... are a gingre.

Mac: I am a fraise-blonde.

Rumours [1.2]

[on whether things are going well with her "sort-of" boyfriend]

Karen: Thing is, he said I had a furry face. That can't be a good thing, can it?

Kim: No, I guess not.

Karen: [in tears] Damn my furry face!

Mac: What can I tell you? A few ground rules - no bombing, no running, no petting, no diving and no inflatables. In fact, probably best to leave all swimming related activities until later - this is, after all, an operating theatre.

Guy: I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.

Mac: That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.

Caroline: Stop right there. Come back here.

Mac: Stop right there, come back here - which? I'm confused.

[Guy accidentally pushes too much air into a patient's chest during an operation]

Guy: I thought she was having a nightmare.

Mac: She is with you as her bloody anaesthetist.

Lodgers [1.3]

Martin: I’m thinking about getting an Adamantium helmet.

Mac: Yeah? That’s the stuff the Wolverine skeleton’s made out of, isn’t it?

Martin: Yep. Hardest metal in the world.

Mac: Indeed, indeed yeah. Sadly of course, a fictional metal. So that would probably reduce its effectiveness in a crash-style scenario.

Martin: Good point. Good point. Still the hardest metal in the world though. [Martin leaves.]

Mac: Fictional.

Alan: You’re probably thinking that in some bizarre way that my playing the recorder has caused, erm, an expansion down below.

Boyce: I wasn’t thinking that, but I am now.

[Caroline screams after she fails to light up a cigarette.]

Caroline: Aarrgh! I want nicotine! Then I’d like to meet a nice man and have a sexually charged, no-speaking affair.

[Sue comforts a crying Guy.]

Guy: Don’t be nice to me.

Sue: Oh, all right, pull yourself together you cretinous fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people’s coats, rocking and whinging to themselves? I’ll tell you what sort of a man – a self-centred, egotistical wankpot! Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak. Men don’t cry. They’re strong hunter-gatherers. So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt, because that’s what you do best!

Guy: Fuck you, you ugly bitch! Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?

Sue: I am tempted, cos I’m all fired up. But no, thanks, I’d rather lick my own armpit.

[Guy is on the telephone to a former girlfriend.]

Guy: Suzy? Babe? [Puts on a bad Welsh accent.] Oh, hello. Oh, hello Frank. No, no, it’s Geoff. Yeah. No, I’m an old school friend of Suzy’s. I know she did, but I moved down when I was twelve. From... [Changes accent.] ...Derbyshire. Oh, do they? Which part? Which part? Which bit? Oh, I know I don’t, but because I’ve got a bit of a cold at the moment and I’m a bit sad…about…well, about my…hedgerows. Yeah. I’ve got to go now. I’ve got to go to the Vale. The Vale of Pewter. Near…Derby. OK, OK, bye. [Hangs up.] Think I got away with that.

Joanna's Birthday [1.4]

[Harriet and Karen buying a birthday cake.]

Harriet: "Ooh, this one."

[Harriet picks out a cake in the shape of a pair of breasts.]

Karen: "That’s more Rachel. It’s not really Joanna."

Harriet: "We can put a candle on each nipple. I’ve always wanted to do that. Either that or run away and join the circus."

Guy: "Buggering wank!"

Mac: "The Swiss water-polo team lost again?"

Martin: Hello, Mum, it's me. Martin. Martin Dear. Martin. M-A-R-T-I-N. You know who it is!

Mac: "Join me again next week on Let’s Make No Fucking Sense when I will be waxing an owl."

Karen: "What’s that on your coat?"

Rachel: "What?"

Karen: "Silver lines, on there."

Rachel: "Oh, snails. Yeah, I went to a party last night and, err…woke up in the garden."

Housewarming Party [1.5]

[Karen’s poem, "Ode to Martin," read by Kim.]

Kim: ""There was a time I had not seen you, I don’t know how I coped. Now every day I want to watch you and help you with your [Pronounced phonetically] moped." "Help you with your moped?" What’s that?"

Harriet: "I tell you what you could do, Karen. In the second line: coped - copèd. "I know how not I copèd." No. A bit florid perhaps."

[Caroline and Mac talk to some students about medicine.]

Mac: "Any final thoughts, Dr. Todd?"

Caroline: "Don’t get ill. We make you all sleepy and do terrible things."

Mac: "Wise words indeed."

Guy: "Martin, what do you think of when I say the word, "Switzerland," to you?"

Martin: "I don’t know, you’ve never said it to me before."

Guy: "I’m saying it now. And don’t say Phil Collins lives there."

Martin: "Does he?"

Guy: "Shut your eyes, think of Switzerland – what do you see?"

Martin: [Eyes shut] "Nothing."

Guy: "You must see something!"

Martin: "I don’t have a visual memory, sorry."

Mac: "I see something. I see a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of a clock every hour, to tidy up his Nazi gold."

Caroline: "What are you wearing?"

Angela: "It’s called a white coat. It’s identical to the one you’re wearing, only a tiny bit whiter."

Tests [1.6]

[Caroline tries to remember what happened at the party with Mac.]

Caroline: "First you say you don’t remember any kissing at all, and now you’re saying there was kissing in the toilet. Which one is it?"

Guy: [From the next room.] "Kissing in the toilet?"

Caroline: "Yes, er, who sang, "Kissing in the toilet?" in 1978?"

Guy: "Er, was it a young George Michael?"

Caroline: "Yes."

Guy: "Fucking hell! That was a guess!" [Sings] "Kissing in the toilet. Don’t flush, it’s lush."

Martin: "I know you pretend to be ashamed of me."

Joanna: "No, it’s quite genuine."

Martin: "Well, underneath I know you’re got some mother’s pride. And I don’t mean the bread."

Alan: "Precisely. Gamma rays, which produce images of – I’m having a baby – and can be expressed in numerical form. Tiny, pink, little baby. Moving on to diagnostic preferences in, let’s say soft-tissue trauma…Who’s the daddy? I think you’ll find that I am the daddy."

Caroline: "How was the, erm, interview?"

Mac: "Not sure. I might have used the words, "job,", "stick,", "up," and "arse," all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?"

Caroline: "Well, I think tone of voice is very important."

Joanna: "You and me are not an item. Never have been, never will be. What have you got to say to that then, eh?"

Alan: "I."

Joanna: "What?"

Alan: "You and I are not an item, not you and me."

Tangled Webs [1.7]

Mac: "Your reward will be in Devon."

Caroline: "Devon?"

Mac: "Oh, no, sorry. It’s heaven isn’t it? Yeah, that’s right. I used to get them confused as a kid. You know, when people die, they got to Devon."

Caroline: [Laughs] "That’s funny."

Mac: "Well, not really, no. Ruined my summer holidays – I thought my whole family was dead."

Mac: "That part of the day we’ve all been looking forward to. Nurse Richardson, perhaps you’d like to choose, movie genre, or regional accent?"

Theatre Nurse: "Regional accent, please."

Mac: "Excellent choice. Dr. Todd, perhaps you’d like to pick today’s regional accent."

Guy: "Surrey. Buckinghamshire. Er, Swiss."

Caroline: "Northeast, Newcastle."

Mac: "Tricky, but always very funny. Good choice." [Geordie] "All reet, then, shall we get on and start the operation?"

Slave Auction [1.8]

[Boyce has stuck a Star of Bethlehem on Alan’s pointer.]

Boyce: "I don’t think you understand. That’s soldered on. It’s never gonna come off."

Alan: "Yes, quite. Remarkable – all achieved in apparently under five minutes." [Alan hits Boyce under the chin with the point, knocking off the star and hurting him badly.] "Right, moving on to the third upper metatarsal…"

Teacher: "Now…Robbie. Is there any history of mental illness in the family?"

Harriet: "No."

Teacher: "Are you sure?"

Harriet: "Yeah, I think so."

Teacher: "You know about the penguin with the chainsaw?"

Harriet: "Yes. Oh, but every child has an imaginary friend."

Teacher: "Are there any major problems at home?"

Harriet: "Erm… He does like to eat bread straight from the freezer. "Bread lollies," he calls them. But we thought that was kind of sweet."

Emergency [1.9]

[Martin confronts Joanna in the car park.]

Martin: "You let me down. You weren’t there for me, Mum."

Joanna: "Shut up! Not here!"

Martin: "I needed you to make my packed lunches, I needed you to pick me up from swimming and I needed you to make me that Incredible Hulk costume for Halloween."

Joanna: "Shut up! Shut up!"

Martin: "I've got an angry penis!"

Martin: "Can I ask your advice about something?"

Caroline: "Your shirt tucked into your pants doesn’t really work for you, Martin."

[Martin pulls his shirt over his underpants.]

Martin: "No, look, it’s not about clothes, it’s about something more serious."

Caroline: "More serious than clothes? I don’t understand?"

[Mac commentates on Guy’s attempt to chat-up Joanna.]

Mac: "The hunter spots his prey. But there is a problem. The herd of tottie is sticking together, making it hard to target any one individual." [Joanna walks to the bar.] "He’s in luck. The herd has split, leaving one creature alone…"

Joanna: "Double vodka."

Mac: "…and vulnerable. She’s old, and weaker than the rest. This, surely, is his best chance."

Guy: "Fuck off!"

Mac: "The hunter will tolerate no interruption to his meticulous preparations. He waits, like a coiled spring, and then…he strikes."