Lily B. Good

Henry: Dad said we couldn't get a cable box, they're too expensive.

Eddie: Your dad and I live in two different worlds.

Jimmy: Uncle Eddie, it's stolen isn't it?

Eddie: 'Stolen' would be a word from your dad's world.

Claudia: [giggles]

Sean: It's not funny! I didn't know what else to do.

Claudia: How is throwing chicken even an option?!

Claudia: Walt, why are my children on a chain gang?

Walt: I am teaching these boys how to dig a hole

Sean: Why?

Walt: A good hole can serve a boy in a lot of ways. It helps them focus, lets them sweat, and makes them appreciate a warm bed at night.

Claudia: How much is there to teach about a hole?

Walt: That's the kind of attitude that leads to substandard holes.

Sean: Well there was more than just chicken.

Claudia: Biscuits?

Sean: NO, no.

Eddie: So you still have the biscuits?

Sean: No, there were no biscuits! I'm talking about an additional incident.

Eddie: I can't believe you didn't get biscuits, they come with the chicken.

Sean: I didn't get any biscuits! Look I went out to get a bucket of chicken, I got a bucket of chicken.

Eddie: You would have had to specifically asked them to leave the biscuits out!

In My Room

[in Christina's room]

Christina: Hey, Lily, this is weird, you're online.

Lily: No, I'm not.

Christina: Yes, you are. Your screen name just popped up on my buddy list, see?

Lily: No way! Uh, somebody signed on with my name!

Christina: No!

Lily: Yes! Send them an instant message. "Lily, what are you doing?"

Christina: They're not answering.

Lily: Type "Are you there?" This is so freaking me out!

Christina: Totally!

[person on lily's screen name types 'Yes...just hanging around...you know, just keeping it fresh.']

Christina: Yes, just hanging around, you know, just keeping it fresh?

Lily: [furious] Oh, my God. It's my dad.

Christina: How do you know?

Lily: It's him.

[flashback]

Neighbor: How's it goin' Mr. Finnerty?

Sean: Ah, you know, keepin' it fresh.

Lily: Did he really say keeping it fresh?

Claudia: [shaking head] I'll talk to him.

[end flash back]

Christina: Should we sign off?

Lily: No, move over.

Walt: Back in my day we used to play Cowboys and Indians. Of course that was when you were allowed to say Indian. You can't say Indian anymore.

Henry: I'm not allowed to say bite me.

Jimmy: Be quiet.

Henry: Bite me, Indian!

Devil with a Plaid Skirt

Preacher: Have you tried talking to Jimmy about this?

Sean: Oh, I tried, but it kind of backfired.

[flash back]

Sean: See, Jimmy, you're not possessed by Satan because...there is no Satan!

[Henry looks up devilishly,scene cuts to school]

Henry: [talking to a large group of classmates] My dad says there's no such thing as Satan, which means there's no such thing as hell, which means you can pretty much do what ever you want, so go right ahead. [complete anarchy ensues]

[end flashback]

Preacher: And you wonder why Sister Helen has it in for your family?

Sean: Out! She has it out for our family. And i couldn't have forseen that!

All Apologies

Claudia: I'm gonna kill you!

Eddie: What'd I do?

Claudia: You're a degenerate scumbag!

Eddie: Could you be more specific?

Eddie: You and Claudia, and the kids were outta town. It seemed a shame to let a perfectly good porn set go to waste.

Sean: It's not a porno set. It's our house!

Sean: You've gotta let her know you learned something from this.

Eddie: Yeah... So what'd I learn?

Sean: Not to shoot porno in our house!!

Eddie: I learned something.

Claudia: Oh, really? What did you learn?

Eddie: That what I did was wrong. And to respect you. And respect your house. And respect that you got a thing about people shooting porn in it.

Henry: Great now Uncle Eddie isn't allowed over. Now I'm gonna have a porno birthday!

Unidentified Episodes

:Sean: Why are you answering questions with questions?

Eddie: Why does that concern you?

Sean: Ooh, an armoire.

Claudia: That's what they call it.

Sean: (in French accent) Oh, then we should buy this "armoire"' and put it in the "boudoir" next to the "toilette". Ooh-la-la.

Henry: Why am I in church naked?

Henry: Sorry, God.

Henry: Hey, Reynolds! Do you know what the T in T-Birds stands for?... THE LOSER!!! HA!

Claudia: Sean, when did you say you got this call?

Sean: Uh...When was it? Yea, Tuesday.

Claudia: Okay, Okay. Then, why is the message on a receipt from today?

Sean: What? What do you mean? What's today?

Eddie: It 'aint Tuesday.

Eddie: Hey! I was in the ScienceNauts!

Sean: Oh yea, I remember.

[flash back]

Nun: Edward, Last month the school's electricity bill was extremely high, and I have yet to see one tomato!

[Eddie and two other boys are standing around marijuana plants.]

Eddie: Don't worry, Sister, I think I see one budding.

[end flash back]

Walt: How come I never got one of those tomatoes?

Lily: Yeah! Well...I read somewhere that compulsive shopping was a disease!

Sean: Cholera is a disease. Compulsive shopping is something a 16 year-old does when she wants to look cute for a party and someone gives her a credit card.

[Sean turns to face Claudia]