Directed by Andy Tennant. Written by Kevin Bisch.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

• Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.
  • Often falsely attributed George Carlin, American comedian

• Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

• Begin each day like it was on purpose.

• So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.

• Basic Principles - no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say "This is a really bad time for me," or something like "I just need some space," or my personal favorite "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? 'Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly "Try harder, stupid," but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.

• No guile, no game... No girl

• [to Albert after his dancing exhibition] Don't need no pizza. They've got food there.

• [to Albert] One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just one shot, to make the difference between "happily ever after" and “Oh? He’s just some guy I went to some thing with once.”

• Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and there's only one person who makes me feel like I can fly... That's you.

• I'm a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?

• I'm like a vault baby, locked down!

• Don't...ever...do that again!

• I saw that going differently in my mind.

• [last lines] Basic principles - there are none.

Sara

• Relationships are for people who are waiting for something better to come along.

• Give me a ring... sometime. [Laughs] I mean, on the phone.

• Can you believe what a beautiful day it is?

• Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze.

Albert

• You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless? Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?

• I've waited my entire life to be this miserable.

• You can't stop it... [shouts] You cannot stop it...

• [showing Hitch his dance moves] Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I'm makin a pizza!

Dialogue

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Allegra? As in "Allegra Cole"?

Albert: I realise I'm not her usual kinda guy.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Her last boyfriend like... owned Sweden, or something!

Albert: Yeah, he's a bum.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: You swing for the fence!

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: You are flat out of your mind!

Albert: I know.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: That's good!

Albert: It is?

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Yeah [takes him apart] You ever heard of Michelangelo? The Sistine Chapel?

Albert: Yeah.

Alex "Hotch" Hitchens: [Gestures towards himself] Michelangelo [Gestures towards Albert] The Sistine Chapel.

Albert: Does this mean you're doin' it?

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: My name's Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

Vance: [after telling Hitch that he only wants a girl so he can sleep with her] No, I was told that you help guys get in there.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually *like* women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.

Vance: Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Well, *that* is for damn certain.

Vance: [grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?

Vance: Oh, yeah.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this... [he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table]

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: This is more like me saying that I will literally *break your shit off* if you ever touch me again. Mmk, pumpkin?

Sara: What's your name?

Chip: They call me Chip.

Sara: Aw, you can't get 'em to stop?

Sara: My job is to try to find the truth.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: The truth? You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head.

Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm, I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Look, you will. Just give it time.

Albert: That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.

Sara: So, you kinda like me, huh?

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: No. I love you

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?

Sara: So life's kind of hard all around.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "fuck off" that you have stamped on your forehead.

[Albert is holding a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts]

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: What you got there?

Albert: This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.

Max: Spoken like a true cynic.

Sara: I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist!

Max: Or a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.

Max: She said people who are guarded are afraid that you can see right through them. That's why they hide behind layers of secrecy.

Sara: "I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting..."

Hitch: "Into getting out of their own way so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance."

Speed Dating Host: "Please..."

Hitch: "No, no, no. I want — (gestures at speed dating scene) I want everybody to take a look at this right now. Because this — this right here — this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!"

Cast

• Alex "Hitch" Hitchens — Will Smith
• Sara — Eva Mendez
• Albert — Kevin James
• Vance — Jeffrey Donovan