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Hogan's Heroes
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Hogan's Heroes was an American television situation comedy that ran from September 17, 1965 to July 4, 1971 on the CBS network for 168 episodes. Starring Bob Crane as Colonel Robert Hogan, the show was set in a German prisoner of war (POW) camp for Western Allied prisoners during World War II.

Hold That Tiger [1.02]

Schultz: I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!

[General Hofstader gets out of his staff car and marches over to Klink.]
Colonel Klink: What an honor to have you here —
General Hofstader: Where is my tank, Klink?
Colonel Klink: Hasn't it come back yet?
General Hofstader: No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!
Colonel Klink: Please, General — it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas and the prisoners—
General Hofstader: [sarcastically]: The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink!! Not a toy dump truck!

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Kommandant of the Year [1.03]

Col. Klink: Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.
Schultz: Me, too, Herr Komman…
[Klink gets up.]
Col. Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.
Schultz: Boy, are you running the camp!

The Late Inspector General [1.04]

Klink: I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.
Hogan: Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.


[After Kinchloe switches on a tape of a BBC broadcast in the presence of Klink, Schultz, and the Inspector General von Platzen.]
Klink: Schultz! Where is that radio?
Schultz: They didn't tell me!
Klink: Find it at once!
Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Klink: [as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?
Hogan: From the accent, I'd say England.

The Flight of the Valkyrie [1.05]

[Hogan brings in a "disguised" woman in male uniform.]
Schultz: Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!

The Prisoner's Prisoner [1.06]

Schmidt: What is it you want?
Hogan: Cleveland.
Schmidt: Cleveland?
Hogan: I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.


Hogan: If the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?

German Bridge is Falling Down [1.07]

Hogan: We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.
Newkirk: What do you mean by that?
Hogan: It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.


Klink: Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!


Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.
Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
Klink: I know.



Schultz: [reading graffiti] "Hess is a mess." "Himmler is a rat fink." "Göring is a fat rat fink." [starts laughing] "Colonel Klink is bucking for rat fink!"



Hogan: [walks over with Klink to the ammunitions building; the painting has blurred the graffiti very little after being watered] You ordered us the paint the building; we painted it!
Klink: Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. I can still read those insults. Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone. Now, PAINT IT! [storms away]
Hogan: [to the Allied POWs] All right, fellas, you heard the Kommandant. Now, let's get it right!

[sometime later, Hogan walks back over with Klink to the ammunitions building; Klink is horrified]
Klink: [tantruming] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! [the building is now pink] A pink building on a military establishment? Are you mad?! If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.
Hogan: Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color into the war. Everything's so drab.

Movies Are Your Best Escape [1.08]

Hogan: Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?
Carter: Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war".

Go Light on the Heavy Water [1.09]

[Hogan is kissing Helga.]
Helga: Mmm, you smell good.
Hogan: The boys whipped up a little aftershave.
[Kisses her again.]
Helga: It's very exciting.
Hogan: It's called "unconditional surrender".

Top Hat, White Tie and Bomb Sight [1.10]

Hogan: Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me?
Newkirk: Righto, guv'nor, you got it.
Hogan: Good. 'Civilian.' What a beautiful word. Next to 'girls.'
Newkirk: Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?
Hogan: Of course I do, but I fight it.


Burkhalter: Now let me see what we can do with Colonel Hogan.
Klink: I will have him brought here and we will start strenuous interrogation at once.
Burkhalter: Klink, you not only are irresistible, but you are also very subtle.
Klink: Thank you, sir!
Burkhalter: Like a broken leg.

Happiness is a Warm Sergeant [1.11]

Klink: Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?
Hogan: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

The Scientist [1.12]

Hogan: Colonel, you worry too much.
Klink: I worry? Huh. Your life is easy. You're only a prisoner of war.


Hogan: Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?
LeBeau: Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.

The Pizza Parlor [1.22]

Hogan:: LeBeau, how are you on pizza?
LeBeau:: Pizza?! You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?
Hogan:: We swear not to tell anybody.
LeBeau: Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes. To climb a barbed wire, yes. But to make a pizza, no.
Hogan: We all have to make sacrifices.


Klink: Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side.
Hogan: Don't remind me, remind them.

The Battle of Stalag 13

Colonel Klink: Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front — now it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?
[Hogan looks down at his watch.]
Colonel Hogan: Put your fingers in your ears.
{In the distance there is an explosion, Hogan drops casually while Klink and Schultz drop to ground cowering)
Colonel Klink: What was that?!
Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
[In the distance there is a second explosion.]
Colonel Hogan:Coincidence — another staff car blowing up."
Colonel Klink: You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?
Colonel Hogan: It's obvious, sir — the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.
Colonel Klink: Do you expect me to believe that?
Colonel Hogan: No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.


[Lookouts warn Schultz is coming, Hogan hides picture of the area and pulls down portrait of a beautiful woman.]
Colonel Hogan: Now this is a woman. W-O-M-A-N, Oh, hi Schultz.
Schultz: What is thisl?
Hogan: It's a lecture i have to give every six months — army regulations.
Schultz: I don't believe you.
Hogan: You wanna know what we were really doing?
Schultz: No!


Colonel Klink: What am I going to do?!
Colonel Hogan: Think that the train will blow up.
Colonel Klink: The train will blow up?!
Colonel Hogan: Only if you believe. And you better do it quick.
Colonel Klink: I believe.
[Hogan looks down at his watch.]
Colonel Hogan: Again.
Colonel Klink: I believe.
[Hogan looks down at his watch.]
Colonel Hogan: Once more.
Colonel Klink: I believe! Oh, this is ridiculous.
[Distant explosion.]
Colonel Klink: What was that?!
Colonel Hogan: Sounded like a train blowing up.


Colonel Hogan: Remember, the enemy is everywhere.
Sergeant Schultz: Enemy?! Me an enemy?! I'm just as loyal a German soldier as any prisoner here in this room.
Colonel Hogan: We know that Schultz and we respect you for it.


[Hogan and the boys are about to blow up a radar tower.]
Hogan: Here we go.
Carter Sir, may I?
Hogan: Of course — where are my manners? These pyromaniacs are so sensitive.


[Carter and a German scientist who has just defected.]
Carter: Professor forgive my professional curiousity but do you think our side will ever make an atomic bomb?
Professor I hope not. It would be noisy. Very noisy.


Colonel Klink: No prisoner escapes from Stalag 13.
Hogan: I keep forgetting.


Colonel Klink: No prisoner escapes, not last night, not tonight, not never.
Hogan: You know, that's true.
Colonel Klink: Really?


Schultz: Hogan, there is a prisoner missing! Hogan, PLEASE, not again!


Klink: Even if I say so myself, [chuckles] when I turn on the charm, I can be irresistible.
Burkhalter: I have never had any trouble resisting you.


[Repeated line, whenever Hogan makes a comment.]
Major Hochsetter: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!!!!!!


[Repeated line.]
Major Hochsetter: All heads will roll!


[Repeated line.]
Schultz: I see nothing!!!!


Carter: Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.
Hogan: Carter...

Klink For the Defense

General Burkhalter: Klink is a magnificent actor. Look how well he's played the part of a German officer all these years.


Major Hochstetter: Kommandant Klink: a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.


Colonel Klink: I have been appointed Haufman's defense council.
Colonel Hogan: How'd that happen?
Colonel Klink: I'm told I volunteered.


Colonel Hogan: What's your defense?
Colonel Klink: Since Colonel Houfman has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try and get him a smaller firing squad.


[before the court marshall]
Colonel Klink: I don't think I'll have any trouble getting him off with the death penalty.

Misc. Quotes

[An escaped prisoner has stolen a German truck]
LeBau: Hey, this is a late model! How much can we get for it on the black market?


Schultz: How are you going to get him out of the camp?
[Hogan is about to say something]
Schultz: (Very quickly in an anguished voice) Please don't tell me.


Colonel Hogan: Why not? We don't have to be enemies just because we're... enemies!


Carter: Colonel... are you sure that's a good plan?
Colonel Hogan: You got a better one?
[Pause]
Carter: Good plan.

Cast

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