Home Improvement Quotations

Home Improvement was an American television sitcom series, airing on ABC, about an accident prone host of a Detroit, Michigan television program about tools, who raises his dysfunctional family.

Pilot [1.1]

Jill: [about the dishwasher] You will not screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.

Tim: What's wrong with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.

Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.

Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"

Jill: You're thinking of tonight.

Mow Better Blues [1.2]

Tim: In the shop, tape hangs on a hook, because it has a hole in it.

Jill: So does your head, it's not hanging on a hook.

Jill: [to Tim, after finding the missing wrench in the dryer] Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?

Jill Taylor: (Finds Tim pretending to ride lawnmower like a motorcycle) So, what? Did you join Hells Gardeners?

Off Sides [1.3]

Tim: [after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!

Tim: Would I help if I said I was sorry?

Jill: It might.

Tim: I'm sorry.

Jill: It didn't.

Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof [1.4]

Jill: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Jill: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Tim: However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.

Wilson: Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.

Tim: A satellite dish!

Wilson: No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.

Wild Kingdom [1.5]

Jill: Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.

Tim: Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?

Jill: No, I'm saying it's your job.

Mark: What are we gonna make?

Jill: I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.

Mark: Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.

Jill: She did?

Mark: Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.

Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

Adventures in Fine Dining [1.6]

Jill: What are we gonna do about the boys' table manners?

Tim: You should give them a refresher course.

Jill: Me? What about you?

Tim: [with his mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?

Brad: Mom!

Jill: What?

Brad: Dad's cussing.

Tim: I'm not cussing.

Mark: He said a bad word.

Tim: It wasn't bad!

Randy: He said 'hell' and 'damn'.

Tim: I did not say 'damn'.

Randy: Now you did.

Jill: I'll be going upstairs now...

Tim: You want company?

Jill: No, just you.

Tim: [because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?

Jill: Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

Nothing More Than Feelings [1.7]

Jill: [as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!

Tim: Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.

Tim: A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!

Flying Sauces [1.8]

Tim: I'm gonna make some of that four-star, happy trails, rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.

Jill: I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.

Tim: You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.

Jill: What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.

Tim: That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble [1.9]

Jill: I thought you said it was a technical problem!

Tim: Technically, I was the problem.

Tim: We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.

Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.

Tim: It's not that big a job; it's a small job.

Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.

Tim: I'd give you free tickets.

Reach Out and Teach Someone [1.10]

Jill: Why do they call it a monkey wrench?

Tim: They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.

Brad: Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?

Tim: You bet!

Jill: No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.

Brad: Aww, man

Tim: No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.

Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?

Randy: Yeah.

Tim: Want to help?

Randy: No.

Tim: Where did I go wrong with him?

Jill: Don't worry about it, he's not yours.

Look Who's Not Talking [1.11]

Tim: We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share in the household responsibilities, right?

Mark: What's 'enlightened'?

Randy: It means scared of Mom.

Tim: [about the vacuum] On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.

Yule Better Watch Out [1.12]

Jill: Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, because he added some lines.

Brad: Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!

Randy: They made me a sheep.

Mark: So Santa is alive?

Jill: Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.

Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?

Tim: He's really fast for a fat guy!

Up Your Alley [1.13]

Tim: You can't help that you're a lousy bowler. You're a woman.

Jill: Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.

Jill: We're keeping score.

Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.

Jill: Oh, is the great big bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?

Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?

For Whom the Belch Tolls [1.14]

Tim: Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?

Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.

Tim: What are you doing?

Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.

Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?

Forever Jung [1.15]

Jill: [Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?

Tim: It's a little piece of table.

Randy: What happened?

Tim: Well, Mr. Negativity Al distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.

Jill: Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?

Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.

Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]

Tim: [with a piece of table stuck to his head] I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.

Karen: No, they also glue.

Tim: Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!

Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

Jill's Birthday [1.16]

Jill: If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.

Tim: Now you're talking.

Tim: Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?

Brad & Randy: No.

Tim: Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."

What About Bob? [1.17]

Jill: [to Randy] Randall William Taylor, get out here now! I want to talk to you!

Tim: Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!

Jill: [about Bob Vila] Are you afraid that big bad Bob is going to make you look foolish?

Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish. [pause] That didn't sound right, did it?

Baby, It's Cold Outside [1.18]

Tim': Are you insinuating this is my fault?

Jill: I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it. It's your fault.

Tim: [after putting out a fire] Who would have guessed that chrome cleaner could be so flammable?

Al: I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Unchained Malady [1.19]

Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.

Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.

Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?

Jill: In the past month, you have done the following things -- backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe to the floor, and glued your head to a table.

Tim: What's your point?

Jill: My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?

Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.

Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor [1.20]

Eddie: [after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.

Tim: Where are they now?

Eddie: On a window sill.

Tim: You didn't throw them out?

Eddie: What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.

Jill: Do you think that Tim is a good listener?

Wilson: Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.

Jill: But does he understand everything you say?

Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener.

A Battle of Wheels [1.21]

Tim: What are you up to?

Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.

Tim: Yeah? Of who?

Tim: I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.

Jill: Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.

Luck Be a Taylor Tonight [1.22]

Robin: At least Tim helps you out around the house.

Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.

Tim: You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.

Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.

Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?

Fred: Three.

Tim: Why do you suppose that is?

Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.

Al's Fair in Love and War [1.23]

Tim: And you'll notice Daddy-O here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?

Randy: The Fire Department?

Tim: I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not that cool?

Stereo-typical [1.24]

Tim: We have a very special show for you today.

Al: Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?

Tim: Maybe just your contract, buddy.

Tim: Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.

Read My Hips [2.1]

Tim: If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."

Tim: I didn't know you wanted me home right away.

Jill: Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and [Saying seductively] "I'll be waiting."

Tim: Oh, what was that supposed to mean, "I'll be waiting?"

Jill: Well, I was trying to be more subtle! What did you want me to say, "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me Big Daddy?"

Tim: Well, that I understand.

Tim: After all, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, isn't it?

Al: I wouldn't know, Tim.

Cast

Tim Allen - Tim Taylor
Patricia Richardson - Jill Taylor
Zachary Ty Bryan - Brad Taylor
Jonathan Taylor Thomas - Randy Taylor
Taran Noah Smith - Mark Taylor
Earl Hindman - Wilson
Richard Karn - Al Borland
William O'Leary - Marty Taylor
Pamela Anderson - Lisa
Debbe Dunning - Heidi
Blake Clark - Harry Turner