Jake and Amir Quotations

Jake and Amir are a comedy duo that work for CollegeHumor. In mid-2007, the pair began uploading short improvisational skits online, eventually starting their own blog, Jake And Amir Dot Com. The characters of Jake and Amir are caricatures of their real-life personas, Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld.
Within their series of Jake and Amir's videos, there is the story of Ace (Jake) and Jocelyn (Amir), who are astronaut accountants from outer space. The Ace and Jocelyn videos are something Amir does that Jake won't play along with, until episode 6 when he uses his astronaut accountant persona to break up a date between his ex girlfriend and CH intern, Hallie, and Amir.

Kite

Jake: So pimp. Just so fucking pimp. Soaring like a majestic eagle or something. Like, it's like, "That's it, right up in the air. That's my kite." I'm not even explaining it right 'cause I'm so amped still. Like, your adrenaline is pumping, it's just in the sky and you just don't let go. You can't let go of the kite. It's just... it's the best feeling when you just see it in the wind, blowing and shit, unraveling the spool. So phat, you don't even know. The phattest fucking thing in the world. Flying that kite, I owned it. I was, like, owning all day long. All morning. Started in the morning and then into the afternoon. Owning the kite, owning the sky. It was so fucking sick. Sprinting across the grass. Picturing it now, it almost brings a fucking tear to my eye. It wasn't happening but it felt like people were cheering, just like (making crowd noise into closed hand).

Tattoo

Amir: You're treating me so different now that you know I have a tattoo.

Jake: Really trying not to.

Amir: It's embarrassing telling you this shit because I don't-

Jake: [interrupting] You don't have to.

Jake: When you get a tattoo it's of something and in a specific spot. So it's of a bear, you said, and where is it?

Amir: Let's go to a fucking bar.

Amir: It's not on my shoulder or anything. It's like, on my area.

Jake: Your "area?"

Jake: It says "GAY!"

Amir: Those are my initials.

Practical Joke

Amir: I tied your shoes together!

Jake: [laughing] Fuck you, dude!

Amir: "Fuck me," huh?

Jake: I'm sorry, I didnt mean anything...

Amir: I'm trying to play a joke, and "Fuck you, man?" That's all I get back? I'm sorry, wow, I'm a dick for playing a joke on my friend.

Jake: I didn't mean it like that.

Amir: Someone I thought was my friend at least. Why are you untying your shoes? That means the joke's over. That means our relationship is over. When you fell over I laughed because I respected you. How wrong I was! Shame on me.

Beer

Amir: I'm so drunk.

Jake: You're drunk right now?

Amir: Last night I got so drunk.

Jake: Oh. Nice.

Amir: I had like so many beers.

Jake: How many? How many is so many?

Amir: I was like retarded.

Jake: You were? How many beers did you have?

Amir: 60.

Jake: 60? That's... 60's way too many. That's not a believable number at all.

Amir: I know. How many is believable?

Jake: 12.

Amir: I know. 12. I had 12 beers. I was stupid afterwards.

Amir: What are you doing tonight? How many beers are you gonna have? I'll double it, easy.

Jake: I'm not drinking tonight. I have to take my cat to the vet, actually.

Amir: Are you drinking before or after?

Jake: She's having heart palpitations. They might have to put her down.

Amir: So sick.

Screen Name

Amir: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I thought of the chillest screen name last night. It was so chill. It's like the chillest thing I've ever thought of, and it was a screen name. Can you believe it? Don't you at least want to know what it is?

Jake: Oh, sorry, yeah, what is it?

Amir: Chilldude22. Two-two. Chill-dude-two-two.

Jake: That's actually pretty tight.

Amir: I know. It's so good.

Jake: That's actually really tight.

Amir: It's fly as hell. That's why I love it so much.

Amir: I'm gonna add the name ChillDude22 to my bud- to my BL. And I'm gonna check out if this chill guy wants to swap.

Jake: If I had a screen name that chill I definitely wouldn't trade with anybody.

Jake: Honestly, if I thought of a screen name that chill I wouldn't have told anybody until I already made it.

Amir: Did you steal my chill screen name?

Jake: I'm just trying to pimp out this chill pro right now.

Amir: How could you do that? Like, you know I thought that was the chillest.

Jake: What's Streeter's handle? I'm trying to flesh out this BL right now.

Amir: I'm supposed to be the chill dude!

Jake: Chill out, dude. All's fair in love and chill. You know that!

High Five

Jake: What was that?

Amir: "Torn." Just this, it's like about a guy who just walks around beating people up. He stabs people and then just plays with blood. And beats the shit outta people for fun. I figure for high five, we'll come down, and it's like "Nothing's right. We're torn."

Jake: A girl wrote it. And a girl sings it. It's about a girl who got broken up with by a guy.

Amir: I put it on my workout mix cause it's like so, it's just core.

Jake: You don't go to the gym.

Amir: No, but...

IQ Test

Amir: I took an online IQ test. I got a 180.

Jake: Did you deduct 50 points?

Amir: No. Why?

Jake: For being dumb enough to take an online IQ test.

Amir: Psht, no. It didn't say that. It didn't say to.

Jake: How many questions were there?

Amir: Ten. It was so hard.

Jake: Alright, ask me one.

Amir: If you turn a right glove inside out will it fit on your left hand?

Jake: ...Yeah.

Amir: Wrong!

Jake: No, that's right.

Amir: Okay, yeah. That's the one I got wrong. So, 9 out of 10. Still pretty sick.

Jake: Sounds like a scam.

Amir: We'll see what the "scam" is when I get my diploma.

Jake: So you have to pay for that diploma, right?

Amir: 49 bucks but it comes in a sick frame.

Jake: Just got a text message. From you. "180."

Amir: I dunno. Was it me?

Jake: Yeah, it was. It says who texted me.

Amir: Yeah, I mean, sometimes it says "restricted."

Jake: Sometimes if you press the right buttons it says "restricted."

Amir: Maybe.

Editing

Jake: That part's so funny. It's really funny. Go back, play it one more time. The look on your face is priceless. Just watch that one part. That part's so funny. Just rewind it. Just watch that one part again.

Jake: Your face at that one part is priceless. I have a really good idea, if we just take a screen cap of that one part and we'll take it into MS Paint and write something like "Box of Popcorn, $4.99. Movie from BlockBuster, $2.99. Amir's face at this part, priceless."

Amir: Those have been done. I mean, we're not going to make a Mentos ad anytime soon.

Amir: You know how yesterday when I was like, "You probably don't get it?" When you make suggestions like that I'm pretty sure that you don't get any of these jokes. Like, what's funny about this one?

Jake: Kites are gay.

Amir: No. That's not it.

Jake: Ask me one and I'll tell you the joke.

Amir: Why is the "High Five" one funny?

Jake: Because "Torn" is gay!

Amir: No. It's not. The joke is never-

Jake: [interrupting]Okay, you're gonna deny that "Torn" is gay?

Amir: The joke is never "because blank is gay." That's never the joke. It's not because Kite is gay.

Jake: It helps. It helps the joke.

Proverbs

Amir: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Jake: What? What are you talking about?

Amir: Just, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It's one of those days.

Jake: ... What are you referring to?

Amir: I'm not referring to anything. It's just like a proverb. You just say it when there's silence in the room. Just to say something.

Jake: That's not how those work.

Amir: Let me explain it to you. I don't think I'm explaining it right. If I'm sitting here in silence, and you're also sitting there, I'll just be like, "Don't get out of the wrong side of the bed this morning" and then you can tip your cap or whatever.

Jake: Do you honestly think that's how proverbs work? Forget it, I'm just going to ignore you for the rest of the day.

Ace

Amir: Hey, what do you think about Third Eye Blind?

Jake: They're pretty ace.

Amir: What's "ace?"

Jake: "Ace" is just like when something's cool.

Amir: Wow, that's pretty ace.

Jake: I just made up the word "ace" because you always steal my words. And I wanted to see if you would do it. And you did.

Amir: What??

Jake: "Ace" isn't real. I just wanted to see if you would steal it.

Amir: Wow. That's really un-ace of you. I mean, I thought we were gullies, man!

Jake: Yeah, I made that one up, too.

Amir: What? What about tarnex? Spokelins? None of these are real?

Jake: No.

Amir: Synydarnx?

Jake: Synydux? No.

Amir: Tight?

Jake: No, that one's real.

Amir: Ace!

Wingman

Amir: Uh...oh! I totally forgot to tell you, he's so funny.

Girl: Is he? I love funny guys.

Amir: He's so nice and funny. Uh, today...no, it's stupid...

Girl: No! Tell me, tell me. I wanna know. Yea.

Amir: Today, we were looking at your Facebook profile on his computer, and he was humping the monitor and high-fiving people and cracking up. So funny.

Girl: [sarcastic] Really? That sounds so funny.

Amir: You think so?

Girl: Yea.

Amir: Oh, let me think of other jokes he did. Oh! He printed out your face super-big, and he cut a hole over the mouth and he and then he started humping it --

Jake: [to Pat] She actually thinks I'm cute. She likes me.

Amir: -- and then he cut a hole over the eye and he was humping that too! Going around the office like a cowboy still high-fiving people.

Girl: That's awesome.

Amir: Can you see, by the way?

Girl: Yea. Why?

Amir: He said he'd fuck you blind. It's so weird that you can still see. We should really go talk to him.

Girl: Yea, we should! It'll be fun. Let's go! You want to?

Amir: You want me to lead you there?

Girl: Yea, let's go!

Amir: Cuz you're blind.

Girl: It'll be so much fun!

Amir: [thumbs up to Jake] Uh, you know my friend, Jake, right?

Girl: Yea, Jake. I can fuckin' see you, I'm not blind. [slaps Jake and leaves]

Amir: Wow, that was awesome. My boy's gettin' Frenched tonight!

Hallie Part IV and Ace and Jocelyn Episode 6

Jake: Ace and Jocelyn, Ace and Jocelyn. From Space or whatever. Astronaut accountants. Nah nah nah.

March Madness Pt 2

Amir: Um, I just got back from the doctor, and he said that I was very sick, actually.

Jake: Really?

Amir: Yea, he thinks I may have March MADNESS! FEVER! AND PNEUMONIA!

Jake: What did you get on your SATs?

Amir: Sixty.

Amir: Is it too late to change my Final Four?

Jake: Uh, no.

Amir: Okay, good. I wanna make it a Final Six.

Jake: Oh, it's too late to change the format of the tournament, though.

Amir: Eh, Sheesh. When was that due?

Amir: Portland State, no it's not. Cleveland State, no it's not. Utah State, no it's not.

Jake: That one's a state.

Amir: Uh, Florida State.

Jake: Also a state.

Amir: Sheesh. Okay, Oklahoma?

Jake: Yep. Ooh, two for five. That sucks. You were- You started out strong, though.

Amir: I know. I was lucky. I didn't know, I was just guessing.

Jake: I know.

Amir: I wanna watch my blanks, though! Blanks, for the wolf! For the epic wolf.

Opinions

Amir: [bad Australian accent] Ay, you're watching Jake and Amir, and we filmed this in Spain!

Jake: Wow.

Amir: Jake, I am about to say something that's gonna blow your mind. Gimme, like, ten minutes.

Ten Minutes Later...

Amir: Ekaj.

Jake: My name backwards. Clever.

Jake: I hate ice cream.

Amir: It tastes like a mouth- It's like a mouth full of buttholes in my mouth. It tastes like acid.

Jake: I think it's delicious.

Amir: I think it tastes like delicious acid.

Jake: It tastes like ass.

Amir: Yea, it tastes like delicious ass is what I meant.

Jake: But in a bad way.

Amir: Yea, in a bad way.

Amir: When I steal yours, it makes us better friends because we have the same opinions. I mean, what don't you get?!

Jake: I don't get why you're being so honest about it.

Amir: Oh my god, okay, let me formulate my own opinions, right? And then, maybe, if they match, we can possibly be best fr- I MEAN, JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF, IT SOUNDS CRAZY!

Jake: I hate nuggets.

Amir: Don't.

VideoGames

Amir: Oh, by the way, did you see what Jake was wearing today?

Sam: Uh...wasn't he wearing a cardigan?

Amir: Uh, I don't know what that is, but he was wearing a sweater with buttons that went down.

Sam: I don't know what a cardigan is either.

Amir: So why'd you say it?

Sam: I was making an educated guess.

Amir: Well, stop being an educated guest, and start...being...a... So.

Amir: My parents can drop us off if your parents can pick us up.

Sam: My parents are not how you say, "alive."

Amir(Laughing): Oh yeah! I forgot!

Sam(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash!

Amir(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash!

Sam(HPV): They died in a plane crash!

Amir(Normal): They died in a plane crash.

Sam(Normal): When I was four.

Amir: You know what sucks?

Sam(HPV): Think about my parents all the time?

Sam: Remember that Jake-themed birthday party I threw for you on my birthday?

Master Cleanse

Amir: Hi, you're watching Jake and Quincy.

Jake: That's half right.

Amir: I'm Jake.

Jake: So, totally wrong.

Brother

Jake: Put your dick away, man!

Amir: Okay, it was away. It was in a box.