Sourced

• Flattery won’t hurt you if you don’t swallow it.
  • Short Furrows (1913)‎

• It's purty hard t' be efficient without bein' obnoxious.
  • Short Furrows (1913)
  • Variants:
  • It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.
    • As quoted in The Book of Unusual Quotations (1957) by Rudolf Franz Flesch, p. 73
  • It's pretty hard t' be efficient without bein' obnoxious.
    • As quoted in The Quote Verifier : Who Said What, Where, and When‎ (2006) by Ralph Keyes, p. 94

• If at first you do succeed don't take any more chances.
  • Back Country Folks (1914)

• Now an' then an innocent man is sent t' th' legislature.
  • Back Country Folks (1914)
  • Variant: Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
    • As quoted in The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations‎ (1949) by Evan Esar, p. 105

• Gittin' talked about is one o' th' penalties for bein' purty, while bein' above suspicion is about th' only compensation fer bein' homely.
  • Abe Martin's Primer : The Collected Writings of Abe Martin and his Brown County, Indiana, Neighbors (1914)
  • Variant: Getting talked about is one of the penalties for being pretty, while being above suspicion is about the only compensation for being homely.
    • As quoted in Instant Quotation Dictionary (1969) by Donald O. Bolander, p. 23

• When a fellow says, "It hain't the money, but th' principle o' the thing," it's th' money.
  • Hoss Sense and Nonsense (1926)
  • Variant: When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.
    • As quoted in The American Treasury, 1455-1955 (1955) by Clifton Fadiman, p. 993

• Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They jest can't buzz any slower.
  • As quoted in Reading I've Liked : A Personal Selection Drawn from Two Decades of Reading (1941) by Clifton Fadiman, p. 827
  • Variants:
  • A bee is never as busy as it seems; it's just that it can't buzz any slower.
    • As quoted in The Modern Handbook of Humor (1967) by Ralph Louis Woods, p. 17
  • The bee isn't really that busy — it just can't buzz any slower.
    • As quoted in Peter's People (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 29

• Some folks can look so busy doin' nothin' that they seem indispensable.
  • As quoted in Saturday Review‎ (18 March 1944), p. 19
  • Variant: Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

• Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
  • As quoted in The Book of Unusual Quotations (1957) by Rudolf Franz Flesch, p. 8

• Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.
  • As quoted in The Book of Unusual Quotations (1957) by Rudolf Franz Flesch, p. 47

• Nine-tenths of our crimes an' calamities are made possible by th' automobile. It has unleashed all th' pent-up criminal tendencies o' th' ages. It's th' central figure in murders, hold-ups, burglaries, accidents, elopements, failures an' abscondments. It has well nigh jimmed th' American home.... No girl is missin' that wuzn' last seen steppin' in a strange automobile.... An' ther hain't a day rolls by that somebuddy hain't sellin' ther sewin' machine, or ther home, or somethin' t' pay on an automobile.... Maybe th' jails an' workhouses are empty, but that's not because th' world is gittin' better. It's because all th' criminals escape in automobiles.
  • Writing as his character, "th' Hon. Ex.-Editur Cale Fluhart." as quoted in The American Humorist : Conscience of the Twentieth Century (1964) by Norris W. Yeats, p. 107

• Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.
  • As quoted in Peter's People (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 28

• We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate.
  • The Best of Kin Hubbard (1984) Variant: We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate.

• Men are not punished for their for sins, but by them.
  • As quoted in Geary's Guide to the World's Great Aphorists‎ (2007) by James Geary, p. 39

Unsourced

• A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

• A loafer always has the correct time.

• About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.

• All the world loves a good loser.

• An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.

• Bargain... anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on.

• Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.

• Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

• Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

• Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
  • Variant: Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.

• Every once in a while someone without a single bad habit gets caught.

• If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on a vacation.

• If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public.

• If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

• It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you're talking about.

• It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

• It isn't enough for you to love money — it's also necessary that money should love you.

• It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it.

• It's no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be.

• It's the good loser who finally loses out.

• Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.

• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep an' it keeps on laughin'.

• Live so that you can at least get the benefit of the doubt.

• Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

• No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

• No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.

• Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

• Nobody ever grew despondent looking for trouble.

• Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.

• Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.

• Some fellows pay a compliment like they expected a receipt.

• The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

• The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

• The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

• The height of ability consists in a thorough knowledge of the real value of things, and of the genius of the age in which we live.

• The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

• The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

• The world gets better every day — then worse again in the evening.

• There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?

• There is nothing more aggravating as a fresh boy who is to old to ignore and to young to kick

• Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

• We become actors without realizing it, and actors without wanting to.

• Why doesn't the fellow who says "I'm no speechmaker" let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration?

• You won't skid if you stay in a rut.

Misattributed

• There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose.
  • Elbert Hubbard, part of a larger comment quoted from Electrical Review without further attribution in The Search for the North Pole (1896) by Evelyn Briggs Baldwin, p. 520, this was later published as part of various works by Hubbard, including An American Bible (1918) edited by Alice Hubbard. Also once misattributed to Amelia J Calver in The Manifesto (January 1896) by the United Society of Believers in Christ’s Second Appearing (Shakers), misattribution to Kin Hubbard seems to be a relatively recent occurrence on the internet.

Quotes about Hubbard

• Kin Hubbard is dead. To us folks that attempt to write a little humor his death is just like Edison's would be to the world of invention. No man in our generation was within a mile of him, and I am so glad that I didn't wait for him to go to send flowers. I have said it from the stage and in print for twenty years. Just think — only two lines a day, yet he expressed more original philosophy in 'em than all the rest of the paper combined. What a kick Twain and all that gang will get out of Kin.
  • Will Rogers in The New York Times (December 27, 1930)