King of the Hill Quotations

King of the Hill is an Emmy-winning American animated television series created for FOX. Unlike many animated sitcoms of its type that generally tend to feature unusual or impossible events, King of the Hill attempts to retain a realistic approach, featuring Americans with average IQs, and seeking humor in the otherwise conventional or sometimes even mundane.

Pilot [1.01]

Hank Hill: Mother of God! It's all toilet sounds! Where did you record this?!

Dale Gribble: I know what's wrong with it. It's a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for don't ya? 'Fix it again, Tony'

Hank Hill: You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.

Hank is fixing his truck

Dale Gribble: ... could be helicopters; UN helicopters.

Hank Hill: Dale! Give me some light! Now! I can't see! (Hank drops his wrench) Ow, my arm! (The hood closes) Ow, my head!

Dale runs off

Bill Dauterive Uh, are you sure you want to be messing with Hank's truck when he's not around?

Dale Gribble: I'm gonna help get him this alternator off. (Dale cuts a wire).

Bill: Ah, Dale, I think you released the brake cable! Dale?

Dale: No I didn't. (The truck crashes into the garage door). I gotta go! I got some, ah, edging to do. (Dale grabs his cap out of the engine and he, along with Bill and Boomhauer, run back to their homes).

Dale Gribble: [regarding global warming] I say let the world warm up...we'll grow oranges in Alaska.

Hank Hill: Dale you giblet head, we live in Texas. It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter I'm gonna kick your ass!

Square Peg [1.02]

Peggy is attempting to say the names of reproductive organs for a sexual education class.

Peggy Hill: Happiness. Happ-i-ness. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. VAAAGINA!

Hank does a spit-take with his beer.

[Dale is leaving a message on the Hill's answering machine]

Dale Gribble: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live and you better cut it out if you know what's good for you. Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee off time to three o'clock.

The Order of the Straight Arrow [1.03]

Hank Hill: [As a child] When I grow up, I want to sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough!

Hank Hill: We of the Order of the Straight Arrow call upon the spirit Wematanye, protector of the sacred ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking needs. Wematanye says, respect the earth! She's ours, by God, our taxes pay for Her. Also, it says here you gotta love all Her creatures. Let's see...oh, here we go: Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you're gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky, with liberty and justice for all. Wematanye is with you, and with Texas. Amen.

Hank's Got the Willies [1.04]

Dale sees Willie Nelson knocked out.

Dale Gribble: Check his pockets for cigarettes.

Luanne's Saga [1.05]

Hank Hill: Your heart is telling you?! Who's the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to work!

Hank's Unmentionable Problem [1.06]

Peggy is dreaming about Hank's funeral.

Bill Dauterive: He looks like an angel. A dead angel.

Boomhauer: (crying) Hey man talk about that dang ol' why, why?!

Dale Gribble: It should have been Bill!

Peggy Hill: Oh, Hank. We never got a chance to talk about your problem. And now... we never will.

C. Everett Koop: Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.

Cotton Hill: Goodbye boy. See you in HELL!

Cotton turns a toilet handle on Hank's headstone. Hank's coffin is sucked into the ground.

Nancy Gribble: (on TV) The temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees. And on a more personal note, I'd like to wish my friend Hank Hill a quick recovery from his embarrassing consti-

Hank changes the channel.

C. Everett Koop: -pation.

[w:Hank Hill|Hank Hill]]: (While constipated and watching his dog poo outside) Show off.

Westie Side Story [1.07]

Hank Hill: What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?

Minh Souphanousinphone: Kahn, for once try not to piss off neighbor.

Hank meets Kahn for the first time.

Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?

Minh Souphanousinphone: No, we are Laotian.

Bill Dauterive: The ocean? What ocean?

Kahn Souphanousinphone: From Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in South East Asia between Vietnam and Thailand, population approximately 4.7 million!

Hank ponders this for a few seconds.

Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?

Khan Souphanousinphone:: D'oh!

Dale Gribble: They'll use a blowdart; that's their way. You'll just think its a mosquito bite until you die, then you'll know.

Kahn Souphanousinphone:: I could just stay home, order a bucket of chicken and watch Hee Haw; same thing [as going to the Hill's for dinner].

Shins of the Father [1.08]

Cotton discovers that Bobby began a sexist riot at his school.

Cotton Hill: Bobby, I'm proud of what you did at school today....So I'm buyin' you a hooker!

Keeping Up With Our Joneses [1.10]

Hank Hill: You're calling me weak! Look at your little bird arms, they're no bigger than a cigarette. I could smoke them things.

Hank Hill: Is this John occupied? Esta es Juan occupado?

Bobby Hill: Si.

King of the Ant Hill [1.11]

(Note: the following quote comes from a deleted scene.)

Kahn Souphanousinphone: Put on shoes, hillbilly!

Kahn Souphanousinphone: Where I come from we got this thing called karma. You do something bad, it come back and bite you in the ass! Big, white, stubborn ass!

Bobby Hill: (Hypnotised by the Queen) ...YES... ...MY... ...QUEEN...

Hank Hill:(Said to Dale Gribble after he mistakenly thought Dale had died from a poisonous ant attack) You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!

How to Fire a Rifle without Really Trying [2.1]

Bobby Hill: This is the gun club? I always thought this was a crack house.

Hank Hill: I tell you what, you can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the tournament.

Peggy discovers that Hank is not skilled at shooting a rifle.

Peggy Hill: I still love you!

Texas City Twister [2.2]

Hank Hill: Don't play mind checkers with me, man. I'm not in the mood.

Dale Gribble: This tornado is already at a level two on the Fujimata(sic) scale; that kind of tornado can throw an egg through a barn door; two if one is open.

Dale is driving the Dead Bug with Boomhauer on top of the vehicle, heading for the tornado

Dale Gribble: All right, twister. It's just you and me now. Ten years ago you took my shed. Did you think I'd forget that? Come on, bring it on! [a raindrop hits the windshield] GAAHH!! No! Please, let me go! [Dale panics, and the Dead Bug veers out of control]

Hank is stopped by decontamination workers that are trying to clean up the barrel of ant poison.

Hank Hill: Come on. [honks horn] Come on! Let's go! Move that truck! [an MP officer walks towards his truck] My wife is stuck in Shining Pines.

MP Officer: I'm not authorized to drive the truck, sir.

Hank Hill: My wife is in danger, damn it! Now make something happen!

MP Officer: [blows whistle] SECURITY!!!

Bill walks over to Hank's truck.

Hank Hill: Bill, thank God! Make this idiot let me pass.

Hank Hill: What did I do to deserve this? I didn't mean to curse my wife to Hell!

Hank looks at a worker with a vacuum walking towards the container. Lightning flashes and Hank sees in the worker's place the Grim Reaper for half a second, then reality returns.

Hank Hill: [worried] Ohh...

Hank switches the gear into drive, and floors it. The tornado is rapidly approaching Shining Pines.

Hank Hill: Ahhh... AAHH!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Bobby attempts to get an egg thrown through a brick wall via the force of an F-5 tornado after Dale's story of such an occurrence.

Bobby Hill: This is the chance I've been waiting for!

Bobby throws the egg and it flies back into his face.

Hank:You're Tough,Bill.You're the Toughest Army Barber I know

Dale:Set Your Mousse to stun there,Bill

Nancy is reporting on a tornado.

Nancy Gribble: Mention your home was destroyed, and get a free five pound bag of onions.

The Arrowhead [2.3]

Hank Hill: Fine. But I think you owe my lawn an apology. *pauses* We're waiting!

Hilloween [2.4]

Dale is wearing a suit for Halloween.

Dale Gribble: Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?

Peggy:Luanne and Bobby are at Junie Harper's House

Hank:[Nearly chokes on His Beer,before Swallowing] I came very close to spitting out Beer!

The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteberg [2.7]

Dale Gribble: I thought we agreed to never discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the Family Fun Center.

Cane Skretteberg: I don't care how many guys you held in the mens room, you still can't beat us!

Luanne: This is a great xerox of you!

Bobby: Hey his scoops bigger.

Pops: And theirs doodies in there right!?

Bobby Slam [2.10]

Peggy asks Hank, "Did a woman ruin the Supreme Court?"

Hank Hill: Yes, and that woman's name was Earl Warren.

Bobby: (about an athletic cup) This cup has holes in it, how am I supposed to drink out of this?

Doug the basketball coach: Bounce a ball in hockey, well that's a mandatory drug test right there!

Wrestling Coach: Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their monthlys?

Connie: I wanna go to a party school, yeah Chico State!

Bobby: Some of the older ones have some breasts!

Bobby: Can I have some Gatorade now?

Clark Peters: Hey Bobby, if you don't beat Connie we don't know what we'll do. So you better beat her!

The Unbearable Blindness of Laying [2.11]

Bobby Hill: (Stereotypical Yiddish accent) Blind he's gone now!

Hank: Where's my finger?

Bobby: Are you a war hero like my biological grandfather?

Bobby: That is so Arizona!

Gary Kazner: Theres a uh, what are those things called a semi a demi, a couple a dozen wheelers.

Hank's Dirty Laundry [2.17]

Hank Hill: Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick!

Hank Hill: Fine. Where's the ass on this thing?

Boomhauer: I'll tell you what man. You talkin' about dang ol' cuffs and collars man, it's all like chik a chik a pa chik a.

Dale Gribble: Computers don't make mistakes. What they do, they do on purpose. Right now, your information's being fed into every computer mainframe, satellite, laptop, and supermarket scanner that make up the Global conspiracy known as...The Beast.

Dale Gribble:Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?

Leanne's Saga [2.19]

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt: Mama got outta prison! (excitedly runs to the garage)

Peggy Hill: (gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!

Luanne Platter: No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!

Hank Hill: Uh...she's coming here?

Luanne Platter: Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)

Peggy Hill: I will tongue kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!

Bobby Hill: Whoa.

Hank Hill: Yeah, I was all set to start a T.V. cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna havta wait a day. Luanne's Mama is coming to visit.

Dale Gribble: (spits out his beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.

Bill Dauterive: Well, I dunno I never met the lady, but she did her time.

Boomhauer: I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal man. I tell her no means no.

Hank Hill: Yeah, Leanne is bad news I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.

Dale Gribble: I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.

Peggy is speaking to Luanne about Luanne's mother.

Peggy Hill: Honey, marriage is about trust and she..well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.

Leanne Platter: Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course if somebody turned on a fire hose it would all be ruined.

Hank Hill: Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along?

Leanne Platter: Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

Bill is announcing his engagement to a drunk Leanne.

Bill Dauterive: We're engaged!

Leanne Platter: It was supposed to be a surprise! (punches Bill and burps) I need a smoke!

Bill Dauterive: This is the happiest day of my life!

Luanne is showing off her platinum blonde wig.

Peggy Hill: I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!

Luanne Platter: You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!

Peggy Hill: Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say I told you so.

Luanne is begging a drunk Leanne to stop being provocative at Leanne's engagement party.

Luanne Platter: Mama, please!

Leanne Platter: Will you quit callin' me that?!

Leanne is about to stab Buckley with a fork when Peggy stops her.

Peggy Hill: Excuse me ma'am, but that was my fork.

Dale Gribble: Poor Peggy, she's dead.

Peggy Hill: Leanne, whether you like the title or not you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't even know how to return a fraction of the love you get from your child or even from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.

Leanne Platter: I kicked your brother's ass and I will kick yours too, sissy!

Peggy Hill: Well, there's one thing you didn't count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't! Ho Yeah! (throws Leanne to the ground with her feet and kicks her)

Leanne steals a truck and leaves.

Bill Dauterive: If she doesn't come back that means she and I weren't meant to be and if she does come back, well then...then I'll call the police.

Peggy's Turtle Song [2.22]

Bobby Hill: There's some milk in the fridge that is about to go bad....and there it goes.

Bobby Hill: There are 96 ridges on every checker...except this one.

Part I:Propane Boom [2.23]

Boomhauer: Hey man, is this dang ol' 911? Hey listen, there's a dang ol' fire in here, and dang ol' Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!

911 Operator: I understand someone needs a daquiri recipie. You are going to have to speak more slowly.

Boomhauer: Dang... ol'... Mega-Lo-Mart... done git went got it, and dang ol' boom!

Peggy: HAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!

Bill: CHUUUUUCCCCCKKK!

Mega Lo Mart Employee: Buckley and Luanne are in there!

Peggy's Headache [3.3]

Peggy is trying to think of new musings for the local newspaper.

Peggy Hill: Mix pineapple juice and club soda, and you've got yourself a big bucket of crap.

From Peggy's newspaper article.

Peggy Hill: You hear the expression "Lie like a dog" so much it is almost a cliché.

Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men [3.7]

Cotton Hill: I'm goin' down to the corn dog shack to watch the girlies make lem-o-nade.

A Fire Fighting We Will Go [3.10]

Hank walks in the room with a food dish.

Dale Gribble: Whatd'ya got under the foil Mr. Party Pooper, some party poop?

Hank Hill: "Heck, I thought I'd go ahead and sharpen all the axes."

Dale Gribble: (singing) "Hank's a lumberjack and he's OK..."

[Boomhauer is telling the Chief what happened in his POV, everyone except him is talking Boomhauer-style]

Dale Gribble: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.

Hank Hill: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kick your ass, man.

Boomhauer: (speaking clearly) For God's sake, Hank, act like an adult. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.

Bill: Dang ol' pretty pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.

Heck Dorland: "I got bad news men. Chet Elderson died. Natural causes." (Bill farts while his butt is hanging out the top of the fire pole) "Oh, for cryin' out loud!"

[Bill has just been hit in the face with a hot Frito pie]

Bill Dauterive: My face hurts.

Hank Hill: And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!

Three Coaches and a Bobby' [3.12]

Hank Hill: Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.

Bobby Hill: Why do you hate what you don't understand?

Hank Hill: I don't hate you Bobby!

Bobby Hill: I was talking about soccer.

Hank Hill: Oh yeah, I hate soccer.

Coach Sours: You little pantywads think you're ready to play the Wolves again? The Wolves eat razorblades for breakfast! Run, you bunch of pudgy-butted softies! Run, with your fancy sneakers, with pumps, valves and lights on the back that can set off a seizure! But what do you care? I ran around the world in a pair of Chuck Taylors for the love of pete! Take a salt tablet.

Coach Sours: I'm gonna ride you guys so hard your gonna wish you were all dead! I'm gonna chew ya up spit ya out take a big dump on top of that and then i'm gonna get tough! LETS ROLLLLLLL EM OUT!

Coach Sours: Hey, butter ball, drag the body back!

Hank Hill: Soccer was invented by european housewives as a way to keep busy while their husbands did the cooking

Peggy Hill (To a group of soccer moms): If we were in Canada you ladies would be snooty Quebecoise.

The Wedding of Bobby Hill [3.14]

Kahn sees the fake wedding between Luanne and Bobby and believes it is real.

Kahn Souphanousinphone: Minh come quick! Bobby Hill marrying hillbilly cousin. You owe me five dollars. In your face!

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt: Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!

Hank Hill: Bobby, you cut that out!

Dog Dale Afternoon [3.20]

Dale Gribble: Boil up some Mountain Dew; it's gonna be a long night.

Dale Gribble: Hank, you were right! The Cubans have my mower!

Dale Gribble: They wanted to see me wet my pants from fear... but they're too late!

Hank Hill: You are officially the coolest.

Hank tells Dale to come down from a clock tower before someone gets hurt.

Dale Gribble: Too late, I killed Shackleford! No...wait, correction, Shackleford wants a pizza.

Nancy Gribble: Hey, whatever turns you on, that's what I always say.

Revenge of the Lutefisk [3.21]

Bobby Hill: I'd like a one-way ticket to Mexico por favor. That means 'today.'

Hank Hill: What's that smell?

Cotton Hill: Look for the man with the terrible smell!

Cotton Hill: I'm an old man. Everybody already hates me. But Bobby is just a child; he has his whole life ahead of him. ... If I could take a bullet for my grandson, I would. Just not in the face; that's how I make my livings.

Part II:Peggy Hill: The Decline and Fall [4.1]

Didi is handed G.H., the baby to which she just finishing giving birth.

Didi Hill: What's his name?

Hank Hill: Y'know dad when you call him "good Hank" it's gonna make me sound like bad Hank.

Cotton Hill: Well you burnt my burger didn't you B.H.?

Aisle 8A

Connie is trying to explain her problem to Hank

Connie: Well, um, you see, uhh...

Hank: What?

Connie writes something on paper and hands it to Hank

Hank: (Reading the note) 'Mr. Hill, I just got my first period.' Bwaaaaah!

Hillenium [4.10]

Dale enters his basement and sees that his hamster has eaten all of his food stores.

Dale Gribble: How could you do this to me Puff-puff?

Part II: High Anxiety [4.14]

Bobby Hill: This is a failed drug policy, Sheriff! You people make me want to drink. I will move to Vancouver where they have weed and a basketball team.

Bobby Hill:: Dad! Dad, the police are lookin' for you!

Hank Hill: (whispering to himself) Oh, god! Debbie's hippie roommate turned me in for smokin' narcotics!

Peggy Hill: Haaaank!

Naked Ambition [4.15]

Dale tries to open a locked door.

Dale Gribble: Apparently this door has some kind of anti-opening device.

Dale is talking to his pet turtle.

Dale Gribble: C'mon, I'm not leaving without my kiss. I can wait.... I can destroy you.

Dale Gribble: ...which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They're tired of being eaten, and now they're fighting back.

Luanne moves out of Hank's den and into the house Dale is using as a clubhouse.

Dale Gribble: Young lady, you march right back across the street to Hank's den! That's your home and it will always be your home!

Bobby accidentally sees Luanne naked and relayed the story to Joseph, who begins leering at Luanne.

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt: Stop trying to read the logo on my shirt!

Won't You Pimai Neighbor? [4.18]

Peggy sees a bumper sticker reading, "My child is an honor roll student."

Peggy Hill: Oh yeah? Well my child is God to billions of Asians!

Nancy's Boys [4.21]

Dale Gribble: Wait a minute. Every time I leave, you call John Redcorn. I know what's going on here. Your headaches are a desperate bid for my attention. But what do I do? I pawn you off on some Indian healer so I can have my Dale time at the gun club, or breeding show turtles, or on the Internet investigating unexplained phenomenon. God, I am so selfish!

Flush With Power [4.21]

Hanks installs a low-flow toilet and flushes twice.

Hank Hill: Still? Fuck!!

Hank lawn dies due to a drought and Bobby tries to help.

Bobby Hill: Dad! I just took a thirty second shower and I'm gonna dry myself off on the lawn!

Kahn attempts to explain why his lawn is so green during a severe drought.

Kahn Souphanousinphone: I use secret Asian watering technique! I could spit in a thimble and water Central Park.

beep beep

When Cotton Comes Marching Home [5.6]

Didi Hill: Sorry I'm late; I had to take three buses to get here: one to get here, one to go back and get G.H., and one to get here.

Yankee Hank [5.10]

Hank Hill: It's your fault I was born in New York and I can't drive my truck and I tried a bagel and actually liked it. No, no more lies -- I loved that bagel! Since I am from New York I also have a lot of money.

Ho Yeah [5.13]

Hank Hill: The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town.

Luanne Virgin 2.0 [5.15]

A sleeping Hank is awakened by a telephone call at home.

Hank Hill: Uhh...Strickland Propane, taste the...I mean, hello?

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt: Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.

Hank Hill: Peggy...I can see your whatnots.

Bobby Goes Nuts [6.1]

Bobby Hill: That's my purse! I don't know you!

Bobby talks about his new penchant for kicking people in the groin.

Bobby Hill: Hey, I didn't go looking for trouble. Trouble came-a-knockin' and Bobby Hill's foot answered the door.

Bill Dauterive: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.

Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin.

Dale Gribble: Be careful what you wish for.

Soldier of Misfortune [6.2]

Bill Dauterive: The invitation says we're supposed to bring chips and dip. We ain't got no chips and dip!

Drew Sherwood: My load is junk food. It's pop and chips.

Mad Dog walks in on Hank talking into the cell phone on Boomhauer's lap; from his position, it looks like Hank is performing fellatio on Boomhauer.

Hank Hill: I understand someone needs a daquiri recipie. I was just calling for help, I swear!

Dale Gribble: If you want to elect me, Dale Gribble, president of the Gun Club, running on the Save-Your-Sorry-Ass platform, say "aye."

Dale Gribble: (holding a plate of macaroons, small macaroons on one side, large macaroons on the other side) Macaroon? I've got entrance wound size, and exit wound size. (The small macaroons are called "entrance wound size", and the large macaroons are called "exit wound size".)

Lupe's Revenge [6.3]

Peggy is giving her testimony to a Mexican court, in Spanish.

Peggy Hill: (subtitled): Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.

The Father, the Son, and J.C. [6.4]

Hank is trying to choose a Christmas ornament.

Hank Hill: How about this one?

Cotton Hill: Peace!? I bet you would like that! Why don't you get one with a flag-burnin' on it? Besides, we're a Joy family.

Hank Hill: Dad, it's Jesus peace not Hippie peace...

Cotton Hill: Joy!!

Unfortunate Son [6.11]

Bill is attacked by Dale's new pet falcon who appeared to have flown away.

Dale Gribble: Oh, he found his way home.

Dale instructs his falcon to retrieve him a vole and it immediately attacks Bill.

Dale Gribble: ...so Bill's a vole.

Of Mice and Little Green Men [6.14]

Dale is talking to Joseph.

Dale Gribble: You're like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.

A Man Without a Country Club [6.15]

Kahn is talking to Ted Wasonasong, who mysteriously wants to talk about Hank.

Kahn Souphanousinphone: What do you want with that chicken-fried loser?

Dale Gribble: What happens if my tee shot lands on a bird's back and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole? Is that still a hole-in-one? Because that's how I'm going to play it.

Hank Hill: Dang it, Dale. It already happened once. What are the odds of it happening again?

Beer and Loathing [6.16]

Dale drinks a tainted beer and suffers the consequences.

Dale Gribble: Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!

Fun with Jane and Jane [6.17]

Hank Hill: No, you are not tripping, that is an emu.

My Own Private Rodeo [6.18]

Dale believes his father is hitting on his wife. Thus, he throws a knife and hits a mannequin near them.

Dale Gribble: Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.

Dale talks to the audience at a gay rodeo.

Dale Gribble: Attention homosexuals and so called "bi"-sexuals.

Nancy Gribble: This is supposed to be my re-wedding to Dale! My second chance! Why is God punishin' me? (looks up with her arms in the air) Why, Sug?!

Bug Gribble: : Oh my god, Hank! Are you gay?

Hank Hill: What?! No! I sell propane!

Goodbye Normal Jeans [7.4]

Hank: (Upon Hank finding Bobby holding a Cheerleader uniform) There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.

The Texas Skillsaw Massacre [7.7]

Hank: You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!

Big Jim: Ha ha, that's telling him.

Hank: 'Felt good, too.

Dale Gribble: Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up.

Octavio: Gribble, I don't care if he stays or goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?

Dale Gribble: You heard him.

Big Jim: Take the first shot, Cochise. I love two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I don't see any no houses 'round here. You see any doll houses, Hank?

Hank: No, I don't.

Big Jim: No you don't, that's right! What are you looking at, sport? Don't you eyeball me! Don't you eyeball a JUNKYARD DOG! ARF! ARF! ARF! NOW YOU GOT THE DOG BARKING! YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT! ARF! ARF!

[yells, bellows, suddenly grabs his chest and keels over]

A garbage truck has fallen into Dales tunnel just seconds after he's gotten out.

Dale: Now that we're up here, what is so damn important?

Vision Quest [7.12]

John Redcorn: Hank, this is an important ritual among my people. Don't half-ass it.

Night and Deity [7.21]

Dale explains his feelings to an attractive, female exterminator.

Dale Gribble: I've taken two oaths in my life: One to the NRA, and the other to Nancy Hicks-Gribble. I stood in front of God and all my friends, vowing to be an honorable and truthful man. So I'm not gonna lie to you, I have felt a small, insect-like attraction for you. But my wife is the greatest woman there ever was!

Patch Boomhauer [8.1]

Hank gives a toast at Patch's rehearsal dinner.

Hank Hill: Hank Hill, best man, Strickland Propane.

Reborn to be Wild [8.2]

Hank Hill: Can't you see you're not making Christianity better, you're just making rock and roll worse?

The Incredible Hank [8.4]

Dale Gribble: So it turns out I'm not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e. I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies.

Hank Hill: Dale, that's asinine, and here's four reasons why. First, you're not gonna clone a super-warrior out of a guy who can't even win a thumb-wrestling match. Two, you've spent your life swearing that the robots will eliminate the clones by the year 2010, so which is it, robots or clones? Three, you've already said you sympathize with the invading Mongolians of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.

Hank punches Dale in the arm.

Kahn is watching the Hills through binoculars.

Kahn: Minh! Come quick! hillbillies having old-school squabble on the front lawn!

Mihn runs in with binoculars.

Minh: Oh, I bet she burn the meat loaf!

Hank: 20% SHRINKAGE?!

Minh: Why he point at crotch like that?

Hank: You want me to put a patch on my WHAT?!

Kahn: OK, this going in a weird direction now.

Phish and Wild Life [8.12]

The park ranger wishes all of the hippies well as they finally leave the park.

Park Ranger!: Good Riddance! Go to Hell!

Après Hank, le Deluge [8.2]

During the middle of a flood, the town seeks shelter in the school gym.

Minh Souphanousinphone: Oh my god. This is just like when the city of Luang Prabang fell to the Communists! Only this time we can't steal political license plates and escape to Thailand.

Hank's Back (AKA The Unbearable Lightness of Being Hank) [8.7]

Joe Jack: How is your back, honey?

Hank Hill: Great Joe Jack, how is your gambling problem?

A Rover Runs Through It [9.1]

Hank Hill: Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!

Death Buys a Timeshare [9.3]

While staying in a time-share condominium in Mexico, Cotton comments on the quality of the bottled water in the room.

Cotton Hill: They got the water what don't give you the hot poops!

Dale to the Chief [9.5]

Bobby is mocking Hank when Hank is mistaken as female on his driver's license

Bobby Hill: Now where did I put my pantyhose?

Dale Gribble: I'm all jacked up on America right now! Anyone want to hear me recite the Constitution?

It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Neighbor Sings [9.15]

Dale Gribble: Bill! Bill, you have to be the stupidest man on the planet to think this is a good idea! Have you seen what you're wearing? That outfit makes you look like a sequined train wreck! Look at you! You're part of a twelve-headed jackass! This chorus is the feces that is produced when shame eats too much stupidity! You people make me envy the deaf and the blind! Guhbuh! Underwear! Money! Fat! Ngyuh... (Dale collapses)

Edu-macating Lucky

Lucky: My father said he wouldn't get married until he became the Disputed Heavyweight Wrestling Champion of the World.

Hank: Uhhhhh. Did your father ever become the Heavyweight wrestling Champion of the World?

Lucky: No, neither he qualified for the weight. And my grandfather said he wouldn't get married until he spoke perfect French.

Peggy: Oh, I don't think old grandpa ever got past saying "Bonjour".

Lucky: Nope.

Grand Theft Arlen [11.8]

Hank is playing a Grand Theft Auto style video game called "Pro-Pain!"

Hank Hill: Ugh...I just stabbed a parking attendant! Uh, where's the "turn yourself in" button?

Hank Character in Pro-Pain!: I tell you what!

Hank Character in Pro-Pain!: Taste the meat and the heat!

The Powder Puff Boys [12.3]

Joseph is dressed as a Powder Puff cheerleader and is told to redress into his normal clothing.

Joseph Gribble: But I'm so pretty!

Strangeness on a Train [12.12]

Lucky: Lucky is on the case. That's usually what I say when I drink beer, but this time it refers to this mystery.

Khan: Lucky Kleinschmidt,it was you and Luanne wasn't it? You trying to get in as much hanky-panky as you can before she has her baby?

Lucky: Not that there's anything wrong with your premise but no, it wasn't us.

Luanne: We haven't done in public since Lucky almost fell off a Ferris wheel.

The Accidental Terrorist [12.13]

Hank Hill: Dang it, Tom! Not only you lied to me you lied to my son! How would your son feel if he came home from the army and he-- (pauses) Wait a second, is your boy even in the army?

Tom Hammond: The boy is a standard comedian in Boston. But, a deal is a deal, Hank.

Hank Hill: I don't believe this! You know what, Tom? I am gonna teach you what loyalty means! Mark my words!

Hank leaves the dealership and is next seen at a copy store copying flyers that say "TOM HAMMOND'S WORLD OF LIES". Alex, a college student, looks at one of the flyers.

Alex: Ain't it the truth.

Hank Hill: Yes it is. And I'm telling you right now that Tom Hammond has to be stopped!

Alex: I know! I did a whole term paper on the damage people like Tom Hammond are doing to the world.

Hank Hill: Well, there is no way I'm letting Tom Hammond make this world a place that I don't want my son to live in.

Alex: I want to join your fight.

Hank Hill: Well, all right! (Hands Alex a pack of flyers) You can meet me at the car lot at 5 AM.

Alex: 5 AM? Okay.

Hank drives his car to Tom Hammond's lot at 5 AM and starts putting flyers on the cars. Cameras film Hank while the security guards are asleep. Thirty minutes later, Hank looks at his watch. It was 5:30 AM, a few hours before the dealer opens. Hank puts out the last flyer and walks to his truck. Alex appears behind him.

Alex: (Whispering) Hey! (Hank freaks out) It's me! Alex, from the copy store!

Hank Hill: Who's that? (pointing to Sparrow) And why are they crawling?

Alex: (Whispering) That's Falcon and Sparrow, my friends. Man, we were really stooped up. We had so much fun thinking of code names last night!

Falcon: It's fells good to be finally doing something.

Hank Hill: Yes, it sure does. Would've been better if you guys were on time though. Now, I've got to get ready for work.

Alex: We weren't late. We were already on the other side of the dealership.

Hank Hill: Well, that's great! Well, I guess our work here is done. If you guys need any propane, look me up.

As Hank drives away, Alex, Falcon, and Sparrow wave and put on masks.

Alex: Propane? Awwww. That would have been great! (Hands Falcon and Sparrow flares) Next time!

Hank leaves the car lot. Several explosions appear behind him at Tom Hammond's car lot.

(Scene goes back to the Hill house)

Hank Hill: Yep. Right about now, the dealership should be opening up. (Chuckles) I'd like to see Tom scrambling to pick up those flyers off the cars before the customers get there.

Bobby Hill: Ooh. I'd love to see that cheater's face!

Peggy Hill: Well, I am just glad you did not drive my car through his ass. I didn't know how you were gonna do that, but you sounded serious.

As Peggy leaves, Dale and Joseph enter. Both of them witnessed the Tom Hammond incident.

Dale Gribble: So, how was your morning going, Hank?

Hank Hill: Pretty darn good I tell you what. And your's, Dale?

Dale Gribble: Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn't go so well, he's a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up.

Hank Hill: Hmmm. Sorry to hear that.

Dale Gribble: Not done! On our way home we saw an explosion coming from Tom Hammond's car lot. Then, we saw what looked like your truck driving away from the lot.

Hank Hill: What!?

Dale Gribble: So why'd you do it, Hank? And more importantly, how? Because it looked like a really good job.

Peggy drops her bowl onto the floor and runs to Hank.

Peggy Hill: (Whispers) Oh, Hank! You must cover your tracks! We'll have to kill Dale!

Hank Hill: (Getting out of his seat) There's nothing to cover up! I didn't blow up anything! I was just passing out flyers!

Bobby Hill: Dad, I'm confused. So you should trust people until they betray you, and then try to blow them up?

Dale Gribble: Yeeesss!

Hank Hill: No, Bobby! I wasn't trying to blow people up, I was just putting flyers on the cars. Alex and his friends the Sparrow and Falcon must've did it after I left.

Peggy Hill: Okay, okay. So you did not blow up the cars. You were a disgruntled customer who was hanging out with someone named Alex and his friends The Falcon and Sparrow. Now, if that's the story I am going with, that's the story I'll memorize.

Hank Hill: It's not a story, Peggy! It's the truth! I am going to talk to the police and straighten this out.

[At the police station]

Hank Hill: And speak of Bob Kelso. Charlie, too. Officer, that's the lying, cheating man you should be arresting!

Tom Hammond: Hank, I know that you're mad and all. But, I didn't know you would be mad enough to torch my lot.

Hank Hill: The only thing I'm guilty of is trusting you! Now I'll tell you what. I may go to jail, but I've zipped my lips for the last time!

Tom Hammond: J.B. I've been doing business with Hank since the days of Thriller. If he says he didn't do it, them by God, he didn't do it!

(Hank and Peggy become surprised.)

Officer Brown: Can we still watch the rest of the tape, Tom? Do you know how many strings I have to pull to get to the conference room with the VCR?

Tom Hammond: There is no need. VCRs are so backwards. They're almost like racist or something. If you think that is bad, it is not as bad the lack of wireless in the rooms at the Philadelphia airport Hilton. For a hotel near a big airport that is unthinkable.

Life: A Loser's Manual [12.22]

Luanne: Normal people buy things with credit cards.

Lucky: Are you saying that Georgers are not normal people because they pay for things with cas?

[Hank is helping Lucky with his credit card application]

Hank: Here under employer you put Costco, you never worked for Costco.

Lucky: No, but Costco gave me the slip on pee-pee money for my settlement.

Hank: Pee-pee money is not an employment history and look, you left your social security number blank here [points to blank spot on Lucky's application].

Lucky: Oh, I don't have one of them social cards or a driver's license. My dad always said a man's wallet should only hold cash, razor blade and a lucky poker chip.

----

Dale: Gentlemen, I'm sure you recall my long dreamt dream about building a guard tower in my yard.

Hank: Dale, the zoning board has turned you down six times and the last refusal was with extreme prejudice.

Dale: True, but for a structure under 40 feet no variance is needed. Soon you'll live under the protection of my 39 foot guard tower! The zoning board has no say.

Hank: Dale, that is --[Dale cuts him off mid-sentence]...

Dale: NO SAY!

----

Peggy:[sings to the tune of "La Cucaracha"] La Peggy Hill cha, la Peggy Hill cha! Doin' dishes in the sink.

----

Hank: Well, we're doing great on our list, Lucky. Later today we'll go see my guy about a will, you want to make sure the right people inherit your debts.

----

Hoyt: I'll be back so quick you'll call me...Quick McGee!

----

Hoyt:I'm a lot better now, here I owe you. [takes out some cigarettes from the pack and hands them to Lucky] See, on the oil rig, these are like money.

Lucky: Dad,were you in the state oil rig or in the federal?

Hoyt: Smart man. [lays more cigarettes on the patio table] That means we're like family. Say I got 10 cigarettes and you pay me 10 more for watching your back. Now how many I got?

Lucky: Twenty.

Hoyt: No! Only 15 cause I gotta pay a tax to the guard.

Lucky: Cigarette math is full of surprises.

----

Kahn: Inspector, fine this redneck for reckless redneck-itude!

----
[after Hoyt lands his 3rd strike and will be serving a lifetime prison sentence]

Luanne: I'm just sad that Daddy had to back to his oil rig again.[turns to Lucky] He would be so proud of you.

Hank: Well, he sure would but they really need him on that oil rig. Otherwise they wouldn't have given him a life time contract.

Peggy: Oil is very important to America.

Luanne: Even more important than propane?

Hank: Uh...yes Luanne. Oil is even more important...than propane.

----

Lucky See, Monkey Do [13.08]

Hank Hill: Aw, you're (his new grand-niece) a cute one, I tell you what.

----

Master of Puppets [13.10]

Dale: (Imitating Survivorman) There is no greater survival skill that the ability to start a fire without matches. Fortunately Arlen is rich in natural propane tank deposits.

Dale opens the propane nozzle. He tries to get his lighter to work. The tank explodes.
Kahn: Hey Hank Hill, I knew rednecks abandon cars and refrigerators, guess we can throw kids on the list too! Hahahaha!

----

Uncool Customer [13.12]

Bobby: Not one of [these girls] has seen my "Flatulent Monkey Visits the Post Office" routine!

Peggy has asked for a cassette tape at a CD store. A man walks up to the clerk who is assisting Peggy.

Man: Hey, do you have that song that goes, "Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna Wah-nah-nah-nah-nah scroun-scrouna?"

Clerk: (To Peggy) I gotta... help a... real customer.

----

Serves Me Right For Giving General George S. Patton The Bathroom Key [13.15]

Dale and Bill are wrestling over a beer can.

Kahn Souphinousaphone: Chain-smoking anorexic vs. that heart attack waiting to happen! Who will die first...?

Cotton Hill: (In a letter) "Hank, if you're readin' this it means Fatty's dead. So I have to leave this task to the one most likely to screw it up: You."

----

Hank Hill

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"
"I tell you what."
"Assistant Manager, Strickland Propane."
"Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow the yard."
"I sell propane and propane accessories."
"Strickland Propane, taste the meat, not the heat."
"That boy ain't right."
"Dang it, Dale."
"Peggy, the boy."
"Dale, you giblet head."
"Peggy, go get my BC headache powder and a glass of water."
"Ginseng tea? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!"
"Bobby, I want you to do two things I pray you'll never have to do again. Tape the Cowboys game, and give me an apron."
"I am inducing vomiting!"
"You failed English? Bobby, you speak English."
"Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo."
"Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you."
"An all-Texas Super Bowl... His will be done." (After Hank discovers that the Houston Texans will play in the AFC instead of the NFC.)
"BWAAAAAHHH!!!"
"Don't play lawyer-ball, son."
(After viewing Bill's huge septic tank) "It's a shame we have to put her in the ground."
"That's asinine!"
(To Kahn, who is Laotian) "Damn Chinese and their stereotypes."
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Your mother is so ugly, it affects her self-esteem."
"Nobody makes cheese like the Americans."
"There's nothing sexier than a man with a 9 to 5 job."
(Shouting to Bobby stumbling around on the roof) "It's a roof! Not American Bandstand!"
(Distraught) "I don't know whether to laugh or vomit."
"For God's sake, close the door!"
"Dang it, Bobby!"
"Don't touch me. I'm on the John."
"How 'bout I tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!"
"You don't understand what a wallet is like. It's like money filled underwear!"
"Women don't like mind-games, Bobby. They like predictability."
(Finding Luanne in bed with a boy) "I'm in a crisis situation here; I gotta go find Bobby. You two take turns kicking each other's asses."
(Trying to divert Bobby's attention away from witchcraft) "This is a carburetor. Take it apart, put it back together, repeat until you're normal."
"Shut the hell up."
"I've got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass."

Peggy Hill

"Ho yeah!"
"Oh, Peggy." (Self-compliment after saying something she finds amusing.)
"Hank has a narrow urethra."
"Spa-Peggy and meatballs."
"Mrs. Peggy Hill!"
"Carpay dam!"
"And you know my opinion on monogamy. I am for it."
"Escuchemay?"
"With Hank, it's propane first, family second and friends third."
"In my opinion, kindling is the best way to start a fire"
"The day after Thanksgiving is, in my opinion, the busiest shopping day of the year."
(To her Spanish class) "Endele classe, passen un testes"
(To Hank, while Bobby is dabbling in witchcraft) "I want grandchildren! Can you fix this?"
"You've got my check, what do you care?!"
(When asked her name by a Spanish-speaking magician) "Maylamo Peggy Hill!"

Bobby Hill

(When Connie referred to Bobby as 'just a friend') "Don't use the 'f' word on me, not me; This is your cuddle monster talking."
"I'm a little worried about being a slut."
"Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!"
(Mocking his dad) "Git out my house! My boy ain't much, but he's all I got!"
"Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?"
"That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do. They see each other naked."
(With his pants pulled up, in heavy Yiddish accent) "What are you talkin' about?"
(Talking to a mannequin head) "You look really special tonight."
"I like Jeff Gordon, he's handsome."
"Hey dad, look at my poker face"
"If my fist didn't hurt so bad I'd hit you again! Awww what the hell?" (hits Joseph's face)
"My Sloppy Joe is all sloppy and no Joe."
"I could be a golf course drink girl."
"Dad, what did the men do while the women were out prostitute-ing?"
(About a soda machine) "You're the reason I'm so fat and lonely!"
"I'm sweet on you, Connie! I'm your little candy man!"
(Bobby is presenting Jesus' miracles in the form of a magic show) Now, "for my next trick, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers..."

Cotton Hill

(Greeting Peggy) "Hey, Hank's Wife."
"I killed fiddy men."
"Come and get your tootsie rolls." (After shooting Bobby's birthday piñata)
"I don't take no anesthetic. Do you think Abe Lincoln asked for any girly gas when they blowed his head off?"
"That's a good one, Hank's Wife. A woman fixing a car, that's like a pig trying to read!"
"Here you go, one Santy Anny's leg."
"Hank's Wife! Havin' a pancake supper over to the VFW. I'll need some pancakes... a couple hundred'll do. And all the syrup you gots!"
"Sorry I'm late. I had to stop by the wax museum again and give the finger to FDR."
"Waffles! Where's my waffles?"
"We'll see who can't drive their grandson at night without glasses or a license, using a mop to press the pedals."
(Talking about his urethra) "Mine's so big I could pass the child myself!"
"These is the keys to my Cadillac car. You know the rules: under no circumstances is the wife allowed in my Cadillac car... unless she's in a bag in the trunk."
(After smacking a waitress on the rump) "Hey missy! How 'bout some sammiches?"
"Whatcha doin', Hank's wife? Some kind of women's work?"
(After being scolded by Peggy for giving Bobby a loaded shotgun) "You don't give a toy without batteries."
"Ten-Four, Manimal!" (To Peggy)
(Peggy told Cotton that she hopes he lives forever in the personal hell he created for himself.) "Do ya now?" (Cotton dies right after this.)
(To Hank) "You can't control your wife and she's only half the man I am."

Didi Hill

"Hank, you still like finger painting?"
"Bobby, can you get me some lottery tickets?"
"Is my butt too small?"
(Looking for her baby) "Where did I put...(flatly) Oh, there it is."

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt

"You know so much, and I know so little."
"I hate hate!"
"Aunt Peggy, Mister Kahn saw me naked!"
(Taking a mock quiz, being asked if propane is flammable or not) Well, let's see, you can't eat propane..."
"My professor says I have the most potential of any Junior College student he's ever seen... and he invited me to dinner and drinks to discuss it some more!"
"If I had dangerous brain powers you'd be a million tiny little pieces right now!
"Function! Function, damn you!"
(After being asked how her beauty exam went) "Well, I passed lather, but I failed rinse... and then I failed repeat, because it includes rinse, which I don't think is very fair!"
(seeing a snake slither toward her) "It's coming to kill me! It knows I'm a Christian!"
"Boy Aunt Peggy, the words I don't know can fill a dictionary."
"BTU, British Thermal Unit, no bacon, no bacon, no bacon."

Dale Gribble

"SHI-SHI-SHAAA!"
"Guns don't kill people. The Goverment does"
"I never thought I'd say this, but I don't think I can finish my beer."
"Wingo!"
"S'GO!"
"My name is Rusty Shackleford."
"The Assault on My Home was a Hate Crime.Somebody Hates Me."
"I blame the media-blamers."
"Hank, It's 3AM and someone invades your home. You don't have a gun. How are you going to shoot him?"
"I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny."
(When Hank's Porta Potti collapses while he's in it) "He's a squatter!"
(When Hank points out how pale Dale is, who beleives he is a Native American) "I am the albino buffalo. Deal with it."
"Either there's a crack in the driveway, or the Chinese are making their move."
"Whoa! Hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision! If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking, or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry." (He reads the aforementioned tobacco industry-funded report on smoking)
"Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me."
"I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious."
(After a trampoline falls on his foot) "Aah! This is a sign that we have been playing God with Buckley's trampoline and now God is playing God with us, and He's a whole lot better at it. I refuse to touch this porthole to hell!"
(After having a muffin knocked out of his hands) "My muffin!"
(After exhaling a puff of smoke) "My throat's on fire!"
"At least we're going to die together. Peggy, you go die over there."
"I'm too pretty to go to jail!"
"It said P-lacebo... it must be made by P-fizer"
(Walking out of the animal control center, sees a squirrel) "Kill ya' later! Aww, what the hell?" (charges the squirrel)
(On the telephone) "How do I know it's Jack Ruby's hat? (pause) Well if I'm gonna spend money on it I gotta know if it's Jack Ruby's hat! (pause) OK, what colors does it come in?"
"You're asking ME if I have theories?"
"Pocket sand!" (tosses sand in the eyes of his attacker)
"Squirrel tactics!"
"Turbines!" (NOTE: He is in a air vent filled with roaches, he promptly rotates and kills several)
(After blowing up the shack that Hank just built because Hank's father wanted it destroyed) "Yee-haw! That was for you young colonel!" (Runs off)

Nancy Gribble

(In response to Joseph asking her whether or not Dale is his real father.)

"Of course! Why would you ask something like that? He's your Dad! He's your Dad, he's your Dad! He's your Dad! Okay!"

"I love Dale, but in a lights-on sort of way."
"But I don't want to die. I just want to read the weather!"
"Aww Shug, we're outta sugar, Shug!"

Joseph Gribble

"As far as an eighth of a tank of gas can get me."
"It's all so stupid!"
(Answering Bobby's question) "Because I'm creepy and you're fat and kinda dumb."

Bill Dauterive

(Sobbing on his knees after he finds that his flag has been destroyed) "What kind of an animal would do something like this? A bear?"
"But, my life sucks!"
"Lenore! Lenore!"
"Why does everything I love run away from me?" (Hank replies with "Because you have to hug everything like a jackass!")
"I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don't want to get into heaven that way."
"Can't a man get his own Ranger Dog?"
"Well, I think we all could use a bath."
(Dressed up like Lenore and talking in a high-pitched voice) "Why do you keep calling me 'Bill'?"
(Trying on his old high school football helmet) "Hank, how'd my head get so fat?"
"My dad used to punish me by telling me I was a girl. He used to make me wear a dress! Pretty, pretty dresses."
"I don't know what's going on, but this is like the part of the movie where I'm wondering why don't they just get out of the house?"
"What are you going to do, shoot me with my beer?"
"Peggy! If I knew you'd be coming over, I would've put on some pants!"
(Leanne punches him after publicly announcing his engagement) "This is the happiest day in my life."
"Did you come to have breakfast with me because you thought I was lonely?"
(Referring to the Dear John letter written to him by wife Lenore) "I had to destroy it before it destroyed me."
(In a self-help class in a mental hospital) "In the alley, nobody wants me, but here, I feel accepted."
(When Hank releases him from the mental hospital) "I don't know, I'm making real progress here, I want to stay a few more days." (Hank replies, "Get in the truck, Bill.") "My feelings are valid, Hank. I'm VALID!"
(After the garbage truck steals his new garbage can) "Everything I love is taken from me!"
"I'm so depressed, I can't even blink."
"I made most of my life decisions at a Foghat concert... I stand by them."
"Does this suit smell like embalming fluid to you?"
"Oh, gee Peggy, I'd love to help. But Tuesday's my ASS-SCRATCHIN' DAY!!!"
(Trying to put on his old football helmet) "Hank, how did my head get so fat?"

Boomhauer

"Them dang ol' New York boys, just a show about nothing."
"Dang ol' Bill, man!!"
"Jus' sand in the wind, man."
"Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click Click Click Click Click. It's real easy, man."
"Life's like a dang ol' Rubik's cube, man. You move all the colors around and when you get one side you mess up the other side, man."
(Doing an impression of Hank) "Man, Dang ol' Propane Propane Propane man!"
(As a ghost) "Dang ol' BOO, Man!"
"Talkin' about dang ol'... life's a journey, man."
(Repeating advice he was given earlier) "Beat the surfer, man." (He smacks a surfer with his surf board)
(To Bobby) "Hey man, your daddy quotes me? Hey man, maybe we'll stay mad at Hank for just one week." (Versus three)
(To a 911 Operator) Talkin' 'bout, Dang Ol BOOM!

John Redcorn

"As a licensed New Age healer I feel obligated to tell you... that's just weird!"
"Hey, Bobby, you like to rock."
"Hey, what a co-inky-dink."
"I thought we said no bouncies!"
"The ball was wet... there was nothing any of us could have done."
"I have a gala..."
"I know, it's just that I've healed you three to five nights a week for many years."
(In response to Nancy calling Joseph Dale's son) "You say that now, but when it comes time to get him into college, let's see what box you check."
"Would you like an organic pop-tart?"(To Bobby when he was forced to babysit)

Buck Strickland

(Directed at Bobby) "I used to chase skirt with your grand-daddy. He's a mean kind of funny."
"And try to find one that doesn't always ask 'What are you thinking about?' "
"And employees are supposed to wear pants, but I won't tell if you won't."
"I like to hump, I like to eat, and I don't like to drive."
"Hey there, Ole Top."
"Thats my Italian scattergun."
"Got-dangit Hank"
"Soup is good food Hank, but keep your spoon in your own bowl!"
"Got-dangit Hank, I'm having an infarction!"

Kahn Souphanousinphone

"Your dog, she real slut!"
"Damn Rednecks!"
"Turnkey operation."
"I can get promotion from systems analyst to lead systems analyst."
(After Peggy mistakenly throws baseball over fence) "Aah, you killed my Minh! Not really, but you really do suck, Peggy Hill."
(Chasing Bobby out of his house with a golf club) "Fat white lump!"
"You don't keep a Ferrari in the garage!"
"Something got to give, and it not gonna be my slip-n-slide!"
"The Hills have been married 20 years. That long time. Minh and I only married 13 years, but its quality not quantity that matter."
(Seeing the Hill's burn a pyramid of toilet paper) "Hey, hillbillies! Those aren't logs you know. Yeah, they for wipee-wipee."
"Maybe I park garage in S.U.V! Ha, ha, ha.... Kiss my ass!"
"Oh yeah! I always feel comfortable, wherever I go. My last name is actually Smith but I change it to Souphanousinphone when I move to Texas!"
"I call France whenever I want! France, Europe, huckleberry."
"I'm wearing a bikini made of suds!"
(Talking to Bobby) "I heard what you did to Chane Wasonasong -- unforgivable! But then I hear what you did to your father -- very funny. So I'm conflicted."
(To the tune of "Axel F") "Bev, Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, Bev, Bev, Beverly Hills Cop, Axel Foley gonna find those drugs!"
"Yeah, you wish you could ride in my trunk."
"Prepare your mind for razzle-dazzle"

Minh Souphanousinphone

(Upon finding out that Peggy makes rabbit stew) "Rabbit?! You rednecks eat anything!"
"I ate a squirrel quesadilla but this where I draw the line."
(Trying on Peggy's size 16 shoes) "Hey look! I like little girl in mama shoes. Okay, bye-bye now!" (Runs out the front door)
"Ooh, Peggy Hill." (Growls viciously)
"That Boomhauer is sexy."
(After losing $13 to Peggy at Boggle) "Thank you for Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill. Maybe next weekend I teach you mahjong. Bring your checkbook."

Connie Souphanousinphone

(In response to Bobby saying he's leaving home a boy and coming back a man) "You're lucky. I'm leaving home a girl and coming back a man."
"My dad has this joke: 'how do you get to the Van Clyburn Orchestra? Practice.' Well, it used to be a joke. Now he just screams it."

Joe Jack

"Baby did a bad, bad thing."
"I'm sorry honey, much too angry."
"Hey, honey."
"I just felt my chakra open honey."
"If I get up, Garth Brooks is gonna die."

Chuck Mangione

(Seeing his name misspelled on diploma as "Chick") Chick Mangione? I'm not a chick, I'm a dude! (Knocks teacher out with his flugelhorn)
"I'm Chuck Mangione, and saving money at Mega-Lo Mart Feels So Good!"
"Mega-Lo Mart now sells propane and propane accessories. Fuel's So Good!"
(After propane explosion) "I don't feel so good...."
(On a posterboard for maxipads) "The Freedom Feels So Good!"
(To crowd in Mega-Lo Mart parking lot before performance) "Are you ready to soft rock?"

Other

(To Boomhauer) Marlene: "I'm going to be honest with you -- I only understand about half of what you say. The other times I just nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off."

Student: (After being told that students can elect which classes to take instead of being forced to take them.) "I elect to take... nothing!"

Dialogue

(At an "animal friendly" meat shop)
Hank: Do you have anything that tastes good?
Owner: ...No

[While drinking beer in the alley]
Hank: Yep.
Dale: Yep.
Bill: Yep.
Boomhauer: Mmm-hmm.

Dale: "Aw, I've been at John Redc- uh, the gun club ... playing Russian Roulette."
Nancy: "Did you win?"
Dale: "You're not familiar with the game, are you?"
Nancy: "No..."
Dale: "Yeah I won."

Peggy: "Luanne, honey tell me what is it like to live without shame of any kind? Is it a good feeling?"
Luanne: "Yeah... it is!"

Dale: "Do your people celebrate Thanksgiving, John Redcorn?"
John Redcorn: "We did...once."

Dale: "Okay, my turn. Tongue-kiss a lizard, or take a shower in Bill's bathroom."
Hank: "Lizard."
Boomhauer: "The lizard, man."
Bill: "Oh, why is the other choice always "take a shower in Bill's bathroom"?"
Dale: "Because your bathroom smells bad! Everytime you come out, it smells like cow manure!" [Bill starts sobbing]

Bobby: "Can I add a gun rack to my bike?"
Hank: "Son, do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?"
Bobby: "Um, just now?"

Hank: "Now, I'm thinking of a number."
Dale: "Three."
Hank: "Yes."
Dale: "Wingo. He always picks three. Except when he picks five."

Peggy: "Jo-hoooon Redcorn."
John Redcorn: "Pe-heeeeeggy Hill."

Bobby: "This is the part about me giving 110 percent, right?"
Hank: "Bobby, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you."

Bill: "My face hurts!"
Hank: "Then it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!"

Hank: "Now Bobby, every woman has a period... of time-"
Bobby: "Even Mom?"
Hank: "Bobby, I can't get through this with you asking questions like that."
Bobby: "My bad."
Hank: "Now, every woman has a period when they are mad at everything. And usually men are the everything. It's like a tire fire, trying to put it out only makes it worse. You just have to let it burn. Grab a beer and let it burn."

(Connie is staying at the Hills, and has been served steak for dinner two nights in a row)

Connie: Ugh! How many cows do you people eat in a year?

Hank Hill: Wait! We figured this out once!

Hank: Acupuncture? What the hell is that?!
Luanne: Um, he sticks needles in your skin and sets them on fire.
Hank: Anybody try that on me and I'll kick his ass!

:Animal Control Member: You're just what we've been lookin' for, Bill.

Dale: Really?

Animal Control Member: Yes, now go home and make love with your wife, then come back ready for the hunt.

Dale: But she's at work. Don't worry, I'll figure it out.