Directed by Tom Shadyac. Written by Paul Guay and Stephen Mazur.

Dialogue

Max: My dad? He's... a liar.

Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

Max: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.

Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.

Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me, you'd have no more strength left.

Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

Fletcher: You scratched my car!

Impound Guy: Where?

Fletcher: [showing him] Right there!

Impound Guy: Oh. That was already there.

Fletcher: You — liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?

Impound Guy: What?

Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up, and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway. So what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!

Motorpool Guy: You've been here before, haven't ya?

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!

Fletcher: I hold myself in contempt! Why should you be any different?

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!

Judge: Why?

Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!

Judge: Overruled.

Fletcher: Good call!

Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing?

Samantha: Sympathy.

Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof. A burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend. He sued my friend. And because of guys like you, he won. My friend had to pay the burglar $6000. Is that justice?

Fletcher: No!... I'd have got him ten.

Cast

• Jim Carrey - Fletcher Reede
• Maura Tierney - Audrey Reede
• Justin Cooper - Max Reede
• Jennifer Tilly - Samantha Cole
• Cary Elwes - Jerry
• Amanda Donahoe - Miranda