Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. Written by Lowell Cunningham and Ed Solomon.

Agent K

• Don't "Sir" me, young man! You have no idea who you're dealing with.

• (after neuralyzing some civilians) Damn, we're a gullible breed.

• A person is smart; people are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.

• (to Agent J) 1500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

• (seeing a newborn alien baby) Congratulations, Reg, it's a...squid.

• This is called a Neuralyzer; it's a gift from some friends from out of town. This red eye here will isolate the electronic impulses in your brains, more specifically, the ones for memory.

• (to Mikey) Put up your arms and all your flippers.

• I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.

• (while showing some pieces of alien gizmos to Agent J, more specifically a "universal translator") Human thought is so primitive that it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies; that kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?

• This is gonna replace CD's soon; guess I'll have to buy the White Album again... Ah... (diverting attention elsewhere) That is a lot of fun. It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why... Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? huh?

Agent J

• (chasing a disguised alien before joining MIB) Freeze! NYPD! Freeze (the alien doesn't stop) "Freeze" means stop!

• (to a disguised alien, before joining MIB) You see this? Huh?! NYPD means I will "Nock Your Punk-ass Down!"

• (after jumping from a bridge onto a double-decker tour bus) Yeah, it just be raining black people in New York.

• You just pissin' everybody off today, huh?

• (to Agent K, about the MIB suits) You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good.

• (to Agent K, after being given a small weapon dubbed the "Noisy Cricket") I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!

• There's only one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me. (the Bug knocks him aside)

• When do I get my own little flashy memory messer-upper thingy?

• (overly imitating Zed) We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.

• (to Edgar's wife after she's been neuralized) Oh, and hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause- damn!

• (looking at an MIB car) Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise around in a Ford POS.

• (in the morgue trying to get Agent K's attention) Doctor...uh, whatever, come here!

• (to onlookers while Agent K "interrogates" Frank the dog) We're rehearsing a ventriloquist act.

• (trying to get K and Zed's attention) Hey, old guys!

• (stepping on insects in order to distract the Bug) Oh, I'm sorry- was that your auntie? Then that must be your uncle, then, huh? (steps on another roach) Aw, you know you all look alike.

• Well, well- big, bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here, bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't be nothing.

• (holds up the Galaxy, covered in Bug entrails) This definitely rates a 9.0 on my weird Shit-O-Meter.

Zed

• (to candidates rejected by MIB) Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training.

• (to Agent J) The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard 37-hour day. Give it a few months, you'll get used to it. Or you'll have a psychotic episode.

• We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.

• (to the Worms, who are about to leave Earth without permission and steal all the cigarettes) You sorry little ingrates!

• (voice-over monologue as J suits up and K deletes all his public records) You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as dèjá vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.

Edgar/The Bug

• (at the city morgue) A man came in here earlier. A dead man.

• (to K) Listen here, monkey boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder. So can it, all right?

• Ever pulled the wings off a fly? You care to see a fly get even?!

• (to Laurel, as he heads for his ship) You're coming with me. It's a long trip, I'll need a snack.

Dialogue

Overweight Cop: Edwards, if you were half the man I am—

James Edwards: What the hell you talking about? I am half the man you are.

Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living. All I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it! It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much, or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind! You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!

[The Bug's flying saucer smashes into Edgar's truck. Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]

Edgar: Figures.

Beatrice: What the heck is it, Edgar?

Edgar: Get your big butt back in the house.

[Beatrice goes back inside, while Edgar grabs a pump shotgun and stands over the smoking crater where his truck was parked]

The Bug: [The Bug orders Edgar, yet the viewer cannot see the creature as it is in the crater] Place projectile weapon on the ground.

Edgar: You can have my gun [pumping it to chamber a shell] when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.

The Bug: Your proposal is acceptable. [A long arm with long, bony digits grabs Edgar, pulls him into the crater and consumes him]

Agent K: You don't happen to know what alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?

Agent J: Wait, that was on Final Jeopardy last night. Damn. Alex said—

Agent K: [To Zed on a phone-like device] Zed, we have a Bug.

Agent J: What, we don't like Bugs?

Agent K: Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, and thrive on the death and destruction of other species.

Agent J: [Cheerfully incredulous] You were stung as a child, weren't you?

Agent K: [Interrupts] Kid, imagine a giant cockroach with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a REAL short temper — is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand new Edgar-suit. That sound like fun?

James Edwards: When was the last time you had a CAT scan?

Agent K: About six months ago, it's a company policy.

James Edwards: Right. You should make another appointment.

James Edwards:All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me, so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me "Son" or "Kid" or "Sport" or nothing like that, cool?

Agent K: Cool, whatever you say, Slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely dick.

[J and K listen to an Elvis cassette in the car]

Agent J: You do know Elvis is dead, right?

Agent K: No, Elvis is not dead, he just went home.

[Jeebs is an alien who has sold an illegal weapon to a cephalopod. K shoots his head apart when he won't admit this. He begins regrowing it]

Jeebs: You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings?

[At the MIB shooting range]

Zed: Edwards, what the hell happened?

Agent J: Hesitated.

Zed: [Presses a button on a remote control which brings forward a target of a girl holding some books. There is a bullet hole in her head] May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?

Agent J: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time.

Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?

Agent J: [Looks around the shooting range] Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light. But then I realized he's just workin' out, you know. I mean, how'd I feel if someone came in bustin' my ass while I'm on a treadmill? Then I was gonna shoot this snarling beast guy, then I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and I realized, he's not snarling, he's sneezing, there ain't a real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany, and I'm thinkin "eight year-old white girl, out on the street this time of night, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, hangin' around with quantum physics books?!" She's about to start some shit, Zed! I mean, she's only about eight years old, those books are way too advanced for her. So, if you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. Or do I owe her an apology?

Edgar/The Bug: [To an exterminator who has come to spray the cockroaches in his barn] Just what exactly do you think you're doing here?

Exterminator: I'm here to take care of your pest problem.

Edgar/The Bug: Pest problem? Pest?

Exterminator: Yeah, you got one hell of an infestation.

Edgar/The Bug: [Referring to the human race] You know, I've noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum. Totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.

Exterminator: Well, yeah. Uh, don't you wanna get rid of 'em?

Edgar/The Bug: Oh, in the worst way. [Kills the exterminator with his own pesticide]

Agent K:[Opens a pair of large doors revealing shelves of advanced weaponry. Grabs a large gun and holds it in front of Agent J] Series 4 De-Atomizer.

Agent J: Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Agent K: [Pulls the weapon away and presents another, much smaller weapon to Agent J] Noisy Cricket.

Agent J: Aw, Kay? Nah, nah, come on, man! You get a Series 4 De-Atomizer, I get a little Midget Cricket? [Absentmindedly points the gun at Kay as he is speaking]

Agent K: [Grabs Agent J's arm and points the gun away from him] Whoa!

Agent J: [Continues to stare at the weapon in disbelief] I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!

Agent K: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!

Agent J: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! In case you've forgotten, there's an alien battle cruiser—

Agent K: There's always an alien battle cruiser, or a Corellian death ray, or an intergalactic plague intended to wipe out life on this miserable little planet. The only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they do not know about it!

Agent K: What do you think?

Agent J: [Speaking about Laurel] Veeery interesting. She's got a real 'Queen of the Undead' thing going on there.

Agent K: Of the body.

Agent J: Oh, great body.

Agent K: [Frustrated] The dead body.

Edgar/The Bug: Where do you keep your dead?!

Manny the News Vendor: I don't have any dead.

Edgar/The Bug: [Grabs him] Where?!

Manny the News Vendor: I don't know. Uh, the city morgue?

[Edgar grabs a postcard showing the observatory towers of the 1964 World's Fair—actually disguised alien ships—and rushes off.]

Manny the News Vendor: That's three for a dollar, sir!

Agent K: Arquillian battle rules, kid. First we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.

Agent J: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?

Agent K: One hour.

Agent J: One hour. Then what?

[The message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB - DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED. SORRY."]

Agent J: Oh, that's bullshit! [The countdown begins]

[Laurel is trying to bluff The Bug so she can escape]

Dr. Laurel Weaver: You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen, a goddess even! There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to try and impress you, I'm just saying it could start a war!

Edgar/The Bug: Good! War, that means more food for my family, all 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here! [Escapes]

Edgar/The Bug: Ohhh.

Edgar/The Bug: [To J and K after they shoot down his escape ship] Oh, you idiots! You don't get it! I've won. It's over. You're milk-suckers! You don't matter! In fact, in a few seconds, you won't even be matter.

Agent K: You're under arrest for violating sections 4-1-53 of the Tycho Treaty.

Agent J: So hand over whatever galaxy you may be holding, step away from your busted-ass vehicle and put your hands on your head.

Edgar/The Bug: I see. I put my hands on—on my head. [Does so] Like this? [Starts ripping off his rotting disguise, revealing himself as a huge, monstrous cockroach-like alien. He then swallows J and K's weapons and knocks them aside]

Agent J: That didn't at all go the way I planned.

Agent J: [As he and K approach a cadaverous man with a pug dog] That's the worst disguise ever. That guy's definitely an alien.

Frank the Pug: (is the dog) If you don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt.

Agent K: Busy, Frank?

Frank: Sorry, Kay, I can't talk right now. My ride's leaving in—[K grabs him] Whoa! Get yer paws off me!

Agent K: [Aloud] Call the pound, we got a stray!

Agent J: [To a passing pedestrian] Uh, the dog owes my friend money.

Agent K: [To Frank] Arquillians and Bugs, Frank. What do you know about them?

Frank: I know nothing.

Agent K: Not a thing? [Starts to shake him]

Frank: [Yelping] Whoa! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Okay, okay. Rosenberg wasn't some two-bit Arquillian. He was the guardian of a whole galaxy. They thought he'd be safe here on Earth.

Agent K: And the Bug had other plans?

Frank: That galaxy is the best source of subatomic energy in the universe. If the Bugs get their slimy claws on it, kiss the Arquillians goodbye!

Agent J: [To K] Ask him about the belt.

Agent K: [To Frank] Rosenberg said something about a galaxy on Orion's belt. What's he talking about, Frank?

Frank: Beats me.

Agent K: Beat you? Okay! [Shakes him more violently, even rolling him over in mid-air]

Agent J: [To another passing pedestrian] We're rehearsing a ventriloquist act.

Frank: [Whilst being shaken] The galaxy is here!

Agent K: What do you mean "here"?

Agent J: The galaxy's hundreds and millions of stars and planets. How's it here?

Frank: You humans. When're you gonna learn that size doesn't matter? Just 'cause something's important, doesn't mean it's not very, very small.

Agent K: How small?!

Frank: Tiny. Like the size of a marble or a jewel. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta be walked before my flight. [K puts him down]

[K asks J to use the Neuralyzer to wipe his memory, as he wants to go back to the life he had with his girlfriend 35 years ago]

Agent K: [To Agent J] They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars. I never really look at them anymore, but they actually are quite beautiful.

Agent J: Uh, Kay? You're frightening your partner.

Agent K: I haven't been training a partner. I've been training a replacement.[Pointing to the various buttons on the Neuralyzer] Days, months, years. Always face it forward.

[Agent J puts on his glasses and loads the Neuralyzer]

Agent K: See ya round, J.

Agent J: No... you won't. [The Neuralyzer's flash beam eclipses the screen]

[after telling J that they're going to check the "hot sheets," K buys some tabloid newspapers]

Agent J: These are the hot sheets?

Agent K: Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.

Agent J: I cannot believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids!

Agent K: Not looking for.

[tosses down a paper whose headline reads "ALIEN STOLE MY HUSBAND'S SKIN!"]

Agent K: Found.

Agent K: All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.

Agent J: Wait a minute! You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?

Agent K: A standard issue neuralyzer.

Agent J: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?

Agent K: On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom for a couple of nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.

Agent J: Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what? You kicked him out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause damn.