Sourced

• I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.
  • Interview for It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Attributed

• A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

• A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."

• A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

• Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

• I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

• I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

• If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

• Laughter is an instant vacation.

• The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

• You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

• They have a great new device for TV weathermen. It's called a window.

• You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.