Moonlighting Quotations

Moonlighting (1985–1989), starring Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis

The Pilot

David: Now Maddie, I don't want you to panic but there is a dead man in the back of the car.

Maddie: Dead?

David: Either that or that man wears an obscene amount of blue rouge.

The Dream Sequence Always Rings Twice

Orson Welles: Tonight, broadcasting takes a giant leap... backward.

Orson Welles: Gather the kids, the dog, grandma... and lock them in another room. And sit back and enjoy this very special episode of Moonlighting.

David: [...] I don't know about you, but I for one, I for one, hit my knees every night and thank the man upstairs that there is a little bit of dishonesty left in this otherwise sunny world. You just think about that. That's all I have to say.

David: Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, there's a page missing out of my copy of the script.

David: You look at everything like... a woman first and then a person second.

Maddie: What does that mean?

David: I said what I meant and I meant what I said.

Maddie: You're an animal.

David: And you're a sexist.

Maddie: What?!

David: A sexist!! You know what a sexist is?

Maddie: Of course I know what a sexist is, I am looking at one.

David: So am I!!

Maddie and David: (overlapping) I am not speaking to you - Are too!- I am not. -Are too!!!- Am not!!- Are too!!- Am not!!!

Maddie: Not another word, not another sound, not another beep until we get back to the office!!

David: Beep.

David: (on the telephone) Men's room?

Maddie: I am not a sexist!

David: Not only are you a sexist, but you are the sexiest sexist that's ever been in my good fortune to satirize.

Maddie: Satirize?

David: Satirize, scrutinize, fantasize, etc etc etc. (Maddie slams down receiver)

David/Zach: Name's Chance... Chance Cash Johnny Rick Lonesome Shane McCoy. You can call me Zach.

Maddie/Rita: We have to get back to the real world!

David/Zach: No, never. I'll never give up my dreams. 'Cause if you stop dreaming you're just wasting eight hours a night.

Zach/David: That was the fist time I saw Rita. She was the kind of dame that makes a man grateful he's a man. She looked like she was misunderstood. Me, I wanted to understand her, like I've never understood any woman before. Come to think of it, I never have understood any woman before.

Rita/Maddie: You were pretty hot tonight.

Zach/David: You, too.

Rita/Maddie: You got a great lip.

Zach/David: You got, too.

Rita/Maddie: Drink?

Zach/David: Absolutely. Eat, too. (in voiceover) That night was the beginning. We would see more of each other, then all of each other. But this is television, so we won't get into that.

Zach/David: (in voiceover) I always play my horn with my shirt off. Late at night, by an open window, next to a flashing neon light. I know I look good that way.

Rita/Maddie: I guess the only way to get rid of Jerry is... to get rid of Jerry. You know what I mean?

Zach/David: (in voiceover) I didn't wanna say No, she'd think I was stupid. But I didn't wanna say Yes either, 'cause she'd think that I wanted to. Besides, I really wasn't listening, I was too busy trying to look down the sheet.

Zach/David: (in voiceover) And then she was gone. I couldn't believe she'd walk out. But I knew she'd be back. She left her clothes behind.

Zach/David: (in voiceover) And that's when we started to plan the murder. What to wear, what to bring. In murder, as in life, planning is everything.

Zach/David: (in voiceover) I walked the streets for hours that night, my mind was reeling. I felt alone, adrift, I had never murdered anyone before. I had so many questions. How long was I supposed to walk the streets? How much guilt was I supposed to be feeling? How long will those signs float over my head?... (walks into a bar, still in voiceover) I wasn't ready to stop talking to myself yet, so I figured I might be better company if I had a couple of drinks.

Zach/David: [being walked to the electric chair] I ain't worried, don't you know you can't dream your own death?

Guard: Didn't you hear? There's a new rule...

The Straight Poop

Security Officer: I'm sorry, but you're not on the guest list.

David Addison: That's because we're not guests. We're looking for a man with a mole on his nose.

Security Officer: A mole on his nose?

Maddie Hayes: A mole on his nose.

Security Officer: [to Maddie] What kind of clothes?

Maddie Hayes: [to David] What kind of clothes?

David Addison: What kind of clothes do you suppose?

Security Officer: What kind of clothes do I suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose? Who knows?

David Addison: Did I happen to mention, did I bother to disclose, that this man that we're seeking with the mole on his nose? I'm not sure of his clothes or anything else, except he's Chinese, a big clue by itself.

Maddie Hayes: How do you do that?

David Addison: Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss.

Security Officer: I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report, I haven't seen anyone at all of that sort. Not a man who's Chinese with a mole on his nose with some kind of clothes that you can't suppose. So get away from this door and get out of this place, or I'll have to hurt you - put my foot in your face.

Maddie Hayes and David Addison (in unison): Gotta go.

Symphony in Knocked Flat

Maddie: What the hell is a funk video?

David: It's called: 'How to Be Funky' It's gonna teach you how to get down, how to stay down, how to roll around...

Agnes: Oooooh.

Maddie: Ooooooh?

Agnes: Yeah, oooooh.

David: I've been known to deliver my own flora, and on occasion my own fauna.

David: Just extending the metaphor.

Maddie: Extend it somewhere else.

David: The sophistication under the rugged exterior.

Maddie: The what under what?

David: Kinda makes you wonder why you doubted me before?

Maddie: The night is young.

David: Are we having fine yet?

David: I'd know that slam anywhere.

David: Did you call?

Maddie: I called you ever name in every language.

David: Mea culpa, Robert culpa.

David: G-man and g-woman. Only thing missing is the g-spot.

G-woman: Sure?

Maddie: Sure.

G-man: Positive?

Maddie: Positive.

David: Cross your heart and hope to die?