Sourced

• Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
  • Woody Allen, in Annie Hall

• We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.
  • Joycelyn Elders, Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, "Abstinence" [4.10], 5 June 2006

Unsourced

• I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  • Woody Allen

• I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
  • Dave Attell

• If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'. You've got to quit, cold jerky!
  • Lenny Bruce

• The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it
  • Truman Capote

• If God had intended for us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
  • George Carlin

• Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
  • George Carlin

• My mother caught me.
  • George Costanza from Seinfeld

• Physics is to mathematics as sex is to masturbation
  • Richard Feynman

• The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.
  • Sigmund Freud

• Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!
  • Mrs. Garrison from an episode of South Park

• Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work.
  • Karl Kraus

• Masturbation is to sex as philosophy is to reality.
  • Karl Marx

• Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners.
  • P. J. O'Rourke

• We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
  • Lily Tomlin

• If you're going to gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much.
  • Mark Twain

Anonymous

• Masturbation is just like procrastination, it's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself.
  • Anonymous

• Marriage is like a game of bridge: if you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand.
  • Anonymous Internet proverb