Nip/Tuck Quotations

Nip/Tuck is a television show, airing on the FX network, about the lives of two Miami plastic surgeons, as their lives threaten to fall apart under the stress of greed, envy, lust and crime.

Pilot [1.1]

Sean: Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

Sean: We have mice.

Julia: That's not a mouse, Sean. That's Frisky the gerbil. It escaped from its cage.

Sean: Did you try and catch it?

Julia: I would've, but I was too busy cleaning up the trail of shit it left everywhere.

Sean: Do you want it fine, or do you want it perfect?

Kimber: I don't want to be pretty. I want to be better. I want to be perfect.

Christian: What is it that we’re doing, Sean, other than make people feel good about themselves?

Sean: What we do is let people externalize the hatred they feel about themselves. Which is why I want to hire a full time psychologist to screen people better.

Christian: Oh great. And lets do yoga in the lobby, too.

Sean: Check out this bombshell. We’re getting ready this morning, and Julia tells me she wants her breasts done.

Christian: If you’re thinking conflict of interest, I’d like to volunteer my services.

Sean: Still have a crush on the missus, do we?

Christian: Let the records show that I dated her first and passed off my sloppy seconds to you.

Sean: For years, I've been transforming other people. Starting today, I'm transforming myself.

Christian: Symmetry is perfect..I can't recommend surgery, Julia. Your breasts are perfect.

Julia: And on your watch, a death has occurred. The death of you and me. This marriage doesn't even have a pulse anymore.

Sean: My god, when was the last time we went to bed and you didn't hate me?

Liz: [to Kimber, about Christian] If it's any consolation to you, honey, you're not the first girl he's done this to. But at least you got a good set of tits out of it so heal in more way than one and just go on with your life.

Mandi/Randi [1.2]

Sean: Have you ever done twins?

Christian: [In a Sean Connery impression] Mother and daughter once but never twins.

Vanessa: [after looking at Matt's uncircumcized penis] It looks like a Sharpei.

Matt: [about his parents fighting] You guys need to stop dealing in stupid half measures and either shit or get off the pot.

Annie: He said the brown word.

Julia: I should be back by 10. Dinner is in the fridge. Heat it up for five minutes at 350º. And, Matt, don't show Annie The Exorcist again.

Matt: She needs to know that evil exists.

Christian: [after Julia had walked in on him in bed with the twins] I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to catch me in the middle of a DoubleMint moment right there.

Nanette Babcock [1.3]

Sean: Did she indicate that if you slept with her she’d drop the lawsuit?

Christian: Are you actually telling me to stick my dick in the crypt keeper to make your mistake go away?

Liz: [to Christian] You really want to get inside a woman? Stop thinking like a dick.

Sean: I've got a son who tried to cut off his penis, a wife who flushed a gerbil. It's like I've moved back into Hell House.

Sean: Before we leave, you need to shave your genital region.

Julia: Carefully.

Matt: And the humiliations just keep on coming, don't they?

Mrs. Grubman: Do you want the lights on or--

Christian: Off.

Sophia Lopez [1.4]

Julia: What you do with your life and where you stick your dick, is your business. What you do with Matt is mine. From now on you stay away from him!

Christian: Julia, you’re being way too dramatic here. You can’t lay down a law like that. Matt’s like a...son to me.

Julia: And he is a son to me! And a real father would never do what you did. You’ll never be capable of being a real father, Christian. You wanna know why? Because real fathers wouldn’t turn someone they love into filth-loving, moraless, bottom feeders. Real fathers want their sons to be better than they are, not carbon copies!

Sophia: Can we talk about cost? When I spoke to your partner over the phone, he said that this office, especially you, Dr. McNamara, does free work. On a case by case basis.

Sean: I’m afraid ‘pro-bono’ is out of the question for this type of operation. That’s usually reserved for people who have suffered accidents or birth defects.

Sophia: Being one gender on the inside and another on the outside is a birth defect.

Christian: The line that divides the porn industry and the plastic surgery is a thin one. We're both selling fantasy, aren't we?

Kurt Dempsey [1.5]

Christian: Dr. Santiago, have you ever been sued for malpractice?

Grace: As a matter of fact, I haven't.

Christian: Of course not. That would be silly. That’s like suing a witch doctor for a spell that didn’t work.

Christian: Don’t take this the wrong way but you haven’t exactly been superdad.

Sean: I’ll do better this time. People change.

Christian: Faces change, Sean. And asses and thighs, but people? Do you think that guy’s gonna be any more Japanese because we make him look Asian. We are who we are.

Victor: I feel sorry for you, man. Obviously, you’ve never been in love.

Christian: Sure I have. Its that beautiful moment between meeting the women of your dreams and seeing her stretchmarks.

Megan O'Hara [1.6]

Matt: Uncle Chris, do you think I’m mature for my age?

Christian: God help me, yes!

Matt: Then stop freaking out that you’re corrupting me. Is having a threeway taking it to the edge, yeah it is. It may sound weird, but maybe its some modern way for Vanessa and I to be together. So I’m gonna do it. With or without you.

Sean: I’m gonna get a vasectomy.

Christian: What? Why?

Sean: Julia doesn’t want to have any more kids and I can’t handle another mistake.

Christian: That’s the most bullshit cure for depression I ever heard. If you want to shoot blanks, Sean, don’t get snipped. Do what I do. Take a bath.

Sean: What?

Christian: For every date, I sit in a 116 degree bath. Excessive testicular heat shuts down spermatogenosis. Teabag your testicles in a hot tub and I swear you’ll be sterile and squeaky clean.

Christian: I’m telling you, Sean, I felt violated. The only other time I felt remotely this powerless was in the early 90’s when some chick slipped her finger up my butt with no warning!

Vanessa: Anyone ever tell you you look fine in that skirt.

Ridley: Don’t! Expressing yourself in private is fine. Doing it in public is not. I told you, I don’t want anyone to know about us and I mean it.

Vanessa: Its cool, Rid. Nobody’s watching.

Ridley: Why do you have to be so God damn clingy, you’re pathetic.

Vanessa: Wait. Don’t go!

Ridley: Get your hands off me, dyke! [leaves]

Matt: Everything alright?

Vanessa: My God! Lurk much?

Matt: I wasn’t lurking. I’m just asking if you’re okay.

Vanessa: I’m fine, Matt. My girlfriend misses the trouser snake and I’m fine.

Matt: Well, get a dildo, Vanessa.

Vanessa: She’s allergic to latex.

Matt: That’s not my problem.

Vanessa: But, you could be the solution.

Matt: What?

Vanessa: You care about me, don’t you? You understand my feelings for Ridley, right? Because those are the same feelings you have for me.

Matt: So?

Vanessa: So help me. You’re the only one I trust. Help me make her satisfied so I can keep her. And I’ll...satisfy...you.

Matt: What, you’re proposing a ‘three-way’?

Vanessa: Yes.

Matt: Vanessa, this isn’t all about Ridley. What do you want?

Vanessa: I just want her to love me, that’s all.

Matt: Is all this effort worth it?

Vanessa: You tell me, Matt? Is all this pain worth it to you?

Matt: Pain? I’m a guy who’s about to have a three-way!

Vanessa: Look, I know you think that maybe this is a way for us to be together, Matt. But I have to be honest. Its not. You can never have me the way that Ridley can. I love you...as a friend, but that’s it.

Matt: Well, that’s fine. I feel the same way. I told you, I’m just a guy helping a girl out in trouble.

Vanessa: God, Matt. If only you were a girl.

Matt: Mmmm. Yeah.

Cliff Mantegna [1.7]

Jude: Julia, I’m not a parent, but if you really want to understand whats going on in Matt’s life, you’ve got to get out in the real world. Three-somes, four-somes...more-somes, they’re like Starbucks – they’re everywhere!

Sean: How do you feel about taking on an intern?

Christian: What does she look like?

Sean: He is a friend of Julia’s from school. Jude, something. I could use the points. She’s pissed that I’m not outraged enough about Matt’s three-way.

Christian: Alright with me, partner. I’d much rather have him hanging around here all day than hanging shirtless by your pool feeding your wife margaritas.

Kimber: I spent $400 on this outfit. I’m just trying to do what you wanted and spice things up.

Christian: Here’s the dilemma. You think a jockey wants to come home to see his girlfriend dressed like a horse? I’m around nurses all day, sweetheart. If I wanted to screw one of them, I would’ve by now.

Ridley: I’m sorry, Vanessa, I tried, but what Dr. McNamara said is true. I have to be honest with my feelings, no matter what they are. I'm not like you. I'm not a lezzie.

Vanessa's Mom: What's a lezzie?

Ridley's Mom: Your daughter likes vagina.

Ridley: Vanessa, I think you’re pretty and cool and sexy and all, but I’m in love with Matt now...we’ve been seeing each other.

Vanessa: That’s not true! Deny it, Matt...deny it, Matt. [Matt doesn’t answer. Vanessa turns to Ridley] But I love you!

Vanessa's Mom: I’ve heard enough. Come on. [takes Vanessa out]

Christian: Are you doing this because you were rejected by a woman?

Mr. Mantegna: One woman? Try thirty. In one night.

Christian: Don't worry, Mr. Mantegna. When we're done with you, the only tits you'll be feeling up are gonna belong to Hooters girls.

Julia: Can't a woman just do something nice for her husband?

Sean: A woman can definitely do something nice for her husband. You driving 20 minutes to bring me lunch sounds like a woman who wants her husband to do something nice for her.

Julia: Having three-way sex in my house is a very big deal, Matt.

Matt: You guys are lucky that that was all I was doing. I know kids hooked on crank, kids who are plotting to blow up the school.

Julia: Congratulations. You win the award for least screwed up teenager.

Christian: If I'm going to do this one woman thing, it can't be with just one woman.

Cara Fitzgerald [1.8]

Christian: I’ve lost my faith, Father. I’ve drank, I’ve done drugs, I’ve fornicated with women and discarded them like trash. I’ve lost my soul. The boys you raped will be saying the same thing in 20 years.

Matt: Mom’s making French toast instead of nuking an Eggo? Is it someone’s birthday?

Julia: I was feeling generous.

Sophia Lopez II [1.9]

Christian: What do you think that would be like? To want to get rid of your penis? The hub of all power?

Sean: Actually, I admire her conviction. It takes...

Christian: Balls?

Liz: I have a tattoo on my right breast. Two female symbols intertwined.

Christian: Double dykes?

Liz: I’m expressing my lesbian identity.

Liz: What about you? Are you gay?

Sophia: Today.

Liz: And tomorrow?

Sophia: Straight……after the surgery.

Liz: You’re a conundrum wrapped up in a riddle, babe. (Edit)

Sophia: Have you always been a lesbian, Liz?

Liz: I slept with a man once in college. He had long hair and when I closed my eyes, and felt it sweeping across my face, I pretended it was Joni Mitchell.

Adelle Coffin [1.10]

Megan O Hara: It's like when you're a kid at an amusement park and you're having the greatest time, ice cream, ferris wheel and stuffed animals. And it get's late and you beg your parents to let you stay, you'll be so good, you'll do anything they ask. So they say okay... Only now, the steps are harder to climb. You have a tummy ache, and you're to tired to wait in line for rides anymore. And suddenly you begin to cry. [crying] It's no fun anymore. [crying] And you hear your mom's voice saying 'Megan, when are you gonna learn enough's enough!?'

Montana/Sassy/Justice [1.11]

Sean: Are you leaving now?

Montana: Yes, when Montana wakes up.

Sean: Where do you go when Montana’s here?

Montana: Underneath. Where nobody can hurt me.

Sean: Can you tell me how to get there?

Gina: Yeah, that’s right, asshole. I’m pregnant.

Christian: First time at the plate and I get credited with the RBI

Gina: You were the only batter.

Christian: I was wearing a rubber.

Gina: Well, slugger, either it broke – or I’m carrying the next savior.

Sean: But she’s a multiple personality.

Liz: Oh please! Who isn’t? To my mother, I’m a child. To Jan, I’m a heartless, rejecting bitch. And to my dog, I’m God.

Sean: Maybe I should get a dog.

Christian: I laughed, I cried, I came.

Gina: Just because I'm carrying Satan's baby doesn't mean I need to marry the father.

Antonia Ramos [1.12]

Sean: We’re not gonna operate on your slaves anymore. We’ll pay you the money we owe you then we’re done.

Escobar: [grabbing Sean’s wrist] I tell you when we’re done. And know this. If you don’t do, what I’ve politely asked you to do, I’m gonna take this hand back to Columbia with me. Then you and your family will learn what it means to be hungry.

Suzanne: Julia! Color me shocked! Never in a million years did I imagine you’d give up Jude to join us mere mortals. How’s your core?

Julia: Overextended. How’s your divorce?

Suzanne: Going around, I see. Annie told Tori that ‘Mommy and Daddy aren’t talking’. My sympathies sweetie.

Julia: Stop trying to defend him! And me! It is so God damn inappropriate, Matt. We’re your parents, not your pals! A concept that no one in this house seems to grasp. (pauses) Do you know what’s going on with him?

Matt: Nope. And apparantly that’s fine because, according to you, what goes on in this family is none of my business.

Christian: What’s this? You’re still smoking?

Gina: I have cravings! Withdrawl is very hard on the baby. I can only eat so much. Would you rather I suck on these or some random guy?

Christian: Do you have any idea what smoking does to a growing fetus? Try accupuncture.

Gina: That’ll take care of my addiction but what about my oral fixation?

Christian: Then I'll buy you a bag of Goddamn lollipops!

Gina: What's the matter Christian, not turned on by pregnant women?

Christian: No, just not turned on by you.

Escobar Gallardo [1.13]

Escobar: The first time is always the hardest. I remember my first time. I shook like a little girl. At least I didn’t puke. Most people...they puke after their first time.

Sean: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Escobar: You’re a desperate man, Sean. Desperate men don’t come to talk. They come to kill.

Christian: Don’t take this the wrong way. But you’re a better man than I am.

Liz: Damn straight.

Escobar: Is that the last implant?

Liz: Unless you made the poor girl eat one for shits and giggles, yes.

Christian: This is good.

Gina: Its Mahi-Mahi with an Asian slaw. I found the recipe online.

Christian: So what do you want? You need something.

Gina: I need you to make love to me.

Christian: You better have made a kick-ass dessert too sweetheart.

Gina: I’m serious, Christian. I’ve got to get this baby out of me. My back aches. My bowels are backed up like a stadium toilet.

Christian: Your seduction skills need a little work.

Sean: You've seen how he treats women: like they're sub-human.

Liz: Hasn't stopped me from working with Christian.

Erica Noughton [2.1]

Christian: You had no right to fire my nanny.

Gina: I don't want my child around cheap common whores.

Christian: He's around you all the time. Oh correction, you're an expensive whore.

Manya Mabika [2.3]

Liz: You really have no idea what goes on inside a woman.

Christian: You know, I think I've been inside enough of them to have some idea.

Sean: [discussing Manya] I don't think this is something we can do!

Christian: Look, Sean, you may be the expert on complex microsurgery, but I'm a goddamn genius when it comes to pussy. If I build it, she will come.

Mrs. Grubman [2.4]

Sean: Unfortunately, we live in a world where smooth thighs matter.

Suzanne: Sweety, I think you need contacts. You must be legally blind not to notice how good my skin is looking these days.

Julia: Oh, I'm sorry, Suzanne, I just assumed you got shot up again by botox.

Suzanne: Healthy food is the new plastic surgery. Who knew?

Christian: [to Mrs. Grubman] Tell me what you don't like about yourself...again.

Christian: [to Mrs. Grubman] Do you lie awake at night dreaming up ways to torture your body?

Suzanne: [to the kids] "Take off your clothes, princess," said the prince. Pressed up against him, the princess felt a hard bulge--

Julia: [interrupts] --And the princess replied, "You know what? You're a wolf, not a prince."

Sean: "And I don't play with liars. So there, wolfie."

Julia: A-and then, they all played Monopoly and lived happily ever after. [weak laugh]

Matt: Look, I'm sorry, guys, but I should not have to eat dog food just because you're worried about little princess' pubes over there.

Bobbi Broderick [2.6]

Christian: I'm putting pussy lips back on the schedule!

Christian: Hey, I'm all for it. With today's medical advances, there's no reason our healthy seniors shouldn't be having babies. Think of all the savings. You can share diapers, daycare, yummy jars of stringbeans.

Liz: Asshole.

Liz: [Regarding a fat patient] He's a heart attack waiting to happen.

Christian: You're in jail for some hot piece of teenage ass?

Matt: She's not a teenage piece of ass. She's your age, okay? She's the life coach my mom hired to get my grades up.

Christian: Your grades, asshole, not your dick!

Naomi Gaines [2.7]

Adrian: [to Matt] What would be great is if you could come quicker so I can get some rest.

Matt: Chill with the attitude, okay? I'm not here to take your shit.

Adrian: You're boring me.

Ava: You're confusing personal attention with ground rules, Adrian. The truth of the matter is you're denied nothing.

Adrian: Really, mom. When I ask you and Matt to keep it down while you were humping the other night, you didn't do that for me. That's denial.

Ava: Julia, Matt and I discussed the fact that our relationship would come as a shock. But you need to realise it has nothing to do with you.

Julia: You call it a relationship? I let you into my house and you violate that trust by using me to seduce my son?

Matt: Mom, it wasn't all her fault.

Ava: There's no victim here, Julia. Matt's old enough to make his own decision about his sexual partners.

Julia: What are you -- a pedophile?!

Julia: Don't you ever touch him again, or I swear to God, I will kill you. Now, get out of my house!!

Matt: No, this whole family is bullshit. And you're the reason why.

Julia: Don't talk to me like that, I am still your mother.

Matt: You're not my mother, you're a whore.

[Julia raises her hand, but Matt blocks it.]

Matt: Even if you did hit me, it would still be true.

Agatha Ripp [2.8]

Sister: The pain of the flesh doesn't compare to the pain of the soul, Dr. Troy.

Sean: [after punching Christian to the ground] I loved you the most!

Liz: I'm getting my kid baptized.

Christian: Over my dead body.

Liz: Easily arranged.

Christian: You're gonna be okay. You just need to relax. One day we'll look back at this and we will laugh.

Liz: Yeah. You examining my panty liner, that's hilarious.

Julia: He's not your son.

Sean: What are you talking about? I was there when he was conceived. I pulled him out of you when he was born. He's everything like me; too emotionally shut off, he's tuned in his head. This thing with Ava... is completely not McNamara like, I'll give you that. Is that what you're trying to say? Is that what you're saying?!

Julia: I didn't mean--

Sean: Just answer me! I am Matt's father!

Julia: Christian is!

Sean: Please. I need to believe in something.

Agatha: No. Don't you get it? There is nothing to believe in anymore.

Rose & Raven Rosenberg [2.9]

Christian: We're not having a three way.

Sean: Why not, everything else has been... I'll pay Julia.

Renée: Uh, my name's Renée.

Sean: Not tonight, tonight it's Julia [Christian blows out smoke while shaking head]..isn't this what you've always wanted Christian?...isn't this your dream?..to be with Julia and I here in this moment?

Christian: You're crazy.

Sean: And you haven't got the balls!

Renée: Maybe I should come back?

Christian: No....Stay Julia.

Kimber Henry [2.10]

Sean: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl with a few flaws and a brain

Christian: And look at where that got you!

Natasha Charles [2.11]

Christian: Look it's men. We're just wired that way, even if some small part of our brain actually gives a damn about your soul, it's always short-circuited by the part that wants to get into your pants.

Julia McNamara [2.12]

Julia: [to Ava] Apparently, you're a bitch in every universe you inhabit.

Oona Wentworth [2.13]

Madam Rose: We're gonna need another suitcase, Merrill.

Merrill: Do you know the difference between jealousy and envy Christian?..., Jealousy is when you realize someone has something you want, and if you work real hard you can get it. Envy is when you realize someone has something you can never have, no matter how hard you try. Take you and me for example we both graduated from the same school, created successful businesses, found fame... pussy... but somehow you always came out ahead... and now...staring down at you I finally realized why?.... It's that handsome goddamn mug of yours!... So I figured if I can't have your life... I'll just take your face.

Sean McNamara [2.15]

Christian: Remember when we first gave him a Cheerio? It was like he ate an "O" shaped piece of heaven.

Christian: [to Gina] You're like herpes. Every time I feel like I'm getting my life back, I have a Gina outbreak.

Kimber: This blowjob is not to get him off...it's to make him love you. Oh, and take your tit out sooner, we're not reading it on camera.

The Carver: Amazing drug, isn't it? It's a rarefied form of metachurine chloride. They use it on psych patients...causes a kind of 'waking coma'...should wear off in a few minutes...mmm....it's like a plane crash though...a few minutes away to hit the ground can feel like a lifetime. Awful feeling...being totally helpless...having no control...that's how most people spend their lives...slaves to the tyranny of beauty...carb counting, kick-boxing and chemical peels. I'm rescuing them from all that...and you are destroying...my...work. They call me the 'Carver'. You're the 'Carver'. Fifty noses all the same. A thousand flawless breasts. You're the monster carving what's beautiful and real out of life.

The Carver: Beauty is a curse on the world. It keeps us from seeing who the real monsters are.

The Carver: Repair another one of my masterpeices and the next time I'll kill you.

Joan Rivers [2.16]

Christian: You lubricate acid. If I stuck my dick in you, it would sizzle off.

Momma Boone [3.1]

Christian: [Referring to prolonging Momma Boone's surgery of separating her from the couch] She's not Julia, Sean. The separation can't go on forever.

Firemen: [Talking out the window from inside Momma Boone's house] Pump some fresh air in here. And no one inside without a mask and menthol.

Kimber: [after walking in on Christian having sex with Kit] First you propose to me. Now you're screwing another girl. Who are you?

Christian: I'm me again, baby. I'm back.

Quentin: [to Christian, referring to his scar] Come on, I just bought you a drink, baby. The least you could do is let me see it.

Kiki [3.2]

Christian: There's really no point in having a consultation without the patient present.

Dr. Forsythe: She's a gorilla.

Sean: Well, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

Dr. Forsythe: [Talking about the gorilla] She knows she's different... imperfect in some way.

Christian: She could use a little lip gloss.

Christian: Look. Maybe Kumba can see past Kiki's scar, to her "inner beauty" -- Maybe he's not a shallow bastard like the rest of us.

Dr. Forsythe: Don't be so hard on yourself. Beauty attracts to preserve the species. In evolutionary terms, Dr. Troy, all males are bastards.

[While smoking pot together, Erica and Julia discuss Erica's mothering talents]

Erica: Turns out I didn't do such a bad job after all.

Julia: You mean compared to me?

Erica: No, I mean evidenced by you.

Derek, Alex, and Gary [3.3]

Matt: [To Christian] You call yourself a friend? Hey! Friends don't sleep with each other's girlfriends. Oh, wait, but I guess you have a habit of doing that don't you?

Sean: I want to be a family again.

Matt: You want a family, you find someone sick enough to want one with you.

Sean: Wake up, Christian! Our coddling and laissez-faire attitude led him to getting pissed on by a bunch of transexuals!

Matt: You wouldn't dare mess up your most perfect work.

Sean: I already have!

Kit: Porn's for fat kids.

Sean: I have an 8:30 lift with Quentin.

Christian: Make sure you don't drop the scalpel. Our new partner plays for both teams.

Kit: I had higher expectations of you Christian, but the truth is you're nothing more than a domesticated housecat. With an expensive haircut, and no sense of adventure.

Christian: Domesticated or not there is no pussy for you here.

Julia: With all due respect you know more about the different classes of tequila than you do parenting.

Christian: I know enough to know that the pound wouldn't give either of you a 10 year old mutt covered in shit right now.

Rhea Reynolds [3.4]

Sean: My guess it's phantom pain.

Christian: Who do I see for phantom pain, Ghostbusters?

Sean: What's the big deal? What part of you being or having an asshole could shock me?

Christian: Is this surgery or open mic night at the lesbian coffee bar?

Carver: You've made a mess of things Rhea. But it's allright. I can give you what you've always wanted. Real pain.

Granville Trapp [3.5]

Sean: The police found a condom a the crime scene with Christian's DNA.

Quentin: So? The police planted it, that happens all the time.

Sean: DNA doesn't lie.

Quentin: Ask O.J., he'll tell you otherwise.

Christian: Fourteen hours in this place without a cup of coffee even Ghandi would become a narcoleptic.

Kit: Normally, I won't let a suspect do this but I have a soft heart when it comes to family reunions.

Christian: Throw a stone down South Beach and you would hit some model I did not call back.

Liz: You've known him for twenty years and you would have never imagined that he was Matt's father.

Frankenlaura [3.6]

Sean "It was his sister, Christian, he was screwing his sister".

Hannah Tedesco [3.9]

Quentin: Guess whose literary agent contact got us the front page of the New England Journal of Medicine?

Christian: Is Chris a boy or a girl?

Quentin: She's a girl, Christian. With a bit of a mustache problem, so I just pretend she's a boy when I'm banging her in the ass.

Christian: Nice.

Sal Perri [3.12]

Natalie (Family of Airplane Victim): [to Julia] Miracles happen. Believe in someone enough and they'll surprise you.

Natalie: [to Julia] Ma's O-negative. She said, 'The best part about being a universal donor was that she could never be so broke that she couldn't give something to the needy.'

Quentin: [to Julia] You are a bitch

Julia's reply: At least I am not yours

Joy Kringle [3.13]

Miss Kringle: By the time your kids have kids doctor, Santa will no longer be thought of as the fat man. He will be trim, tight, and a little bit sexy.

Christian Troy: What about the elves? I always thought it was indentured servitude. Are you going to do something about that?

Cherry Peck [3.14]

Christian: Did you arrest Quentin yet?

Kit: On the contrary, we had to let him go. New evidence came to light which proves his innocence

Christian: What evidence could there possibly be? [Kit places several photographs on the table.] Holy shit. Is this for real?

Kit: As you can see, Quentin can't be the man who raped me or left a semen sample behind. He has no penis.

Quentin Costa [3.15]

Quentin: [Having revealed himself as the Carver] Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

Quentin: You see, I am neither a psychotic nor a shallow mediocre surgeon. I am an artist.

Christian: Bullshit. You're just a freaking eunuch who needs to rape people with a strap-on to make yourself feel like a man.

----

Quentin: Yes, the opposable thumb. [taps each finger with his thumb] We can do this, and all of a sudden we have light beer and Tivo.

Burt Landau [4.7]

Christian to Kimber: "I said what I always say, whatever it takes to get me laid."

Conor McNamera [4.8]

Avetta "I eat another cherry pie and put more junk in my trunk"

Julia "Do you know the difference between God and a surgeon? God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon."

Liz Cruz [4.9]

Liz "Look, I almost died,okay? But I didn't. I got a second chance and I'm not going to blow it by spending the rest of my Saturday nights home, eating Cherry Garcia."

Christian "Can't the two of you just watch TV?"

Liz "Asshole."

Christian: Come on Lizzie, you know you love us too much to leave us.

Liz: Try me. Furthermore, I don’t want to hear one more snide remark about me, my girlfriend, or my physical shortcomings. I want the fat sucked out me and I want it sucked out now. Are you or are you not gonna do it?

Michelle: (after examining a drugged Christian) He knows who you are, James. If we take his kidney, he’ll know it was you.

James: Why stop at one? I wasn’t planning on leaving him alive anyway. I’m not a fool. I know two charming Asian gentlemen who are absolute magicians at making bodies disappear.

Michelle: You wouldn’t do that. Not even you.

James: It’s harvest time, darling, and I am under a lot of pressure. I’ve been given twenty-four hours to meet my quota.

Michelle: You think I’m going to let you get away with murdering him? I am not a killer.

James: No, but your hands aren’t exactly squeaky clean now, are they?

Michelle: What do you want me to do?

James: Find me a kidney in… (looks at her watch) twenty-one hours and I will keep him from being the next designated donor

Michelle: There’s nothing human left in you, is there?

James: I’m keeping him alive, aren’t I? For you. Tick tock, better hurry.

Christian: God gave me a dick and I intend to glorify him by playing that organ as intensely and as often as possible.

Burt: Come on, honey, let me nuzzle them a little bit.

Michelle: I don’t really think you should excite yourself right now, Burt.

Burt: Shit, you’re probably right. Let this be a lesson: never buy a used car. Once you drive it off the lot, one damn thing after another starts to fall apart. It’s been a sweet ride though, hasn’t it?

Michelle: Sweet? No, Burt, it hasn’t.

Merrill Bobolit [4.10]

Escobar: You didn't tell her, did you Sean? About the affair?

Sean: I'm not listening to you anymore. You're not even here.

Escobar: Than you should try setting your alarm at night so it won't be so easy for me to sneak in.

Sean: You are a figment of my imagination. Right now you're on your way back to prison.

Escobar: You know I've been planning this excape for months. The hardest part wasn't blackmailing the warden, or paying off the gaurds, it was lighting my own face on fire. Man, that hurt like a son of a bitch.

Escobar: If there's anything I've learned in prison, it's that the truth will set you free. By the way, the evidence is in the den. We're even now.

Dr. Merril Bobolit: They raped me, Christian. Repeatedly. They passed me around for a year and a half, and now I can't even leave the house without fear of shitting my pants... I became someone's prison wife, someone more powerful than me."

Diana Lubey [4.12]

Sean: [to Michelle] So interesting when the hooker becomes the pimp.

Christian: Just because I groom, doesn't mean I've gone brokeback.

Christian: Did you really think telling my partner all those lies wasn’t going to get back to me?

Dr. Faith Wolper: I’m sorry, telling who what lies?

Christian: Sean told me about your little session the other day. Huh? All that shit about me being gay?

Dr. Faith Wolper: Christian, even if Sean was a client- which I can neither confirm nor deny- what makes you think I would share the details of our session with him? That’s for you to do. Although I do hope you shared your conflict with your fiancée. (Sean enters the room)

Dr. Faith Wolper: It was completely unprofessional, my revealing what I did about Christian. It put you in a terrible position and I’m sorry.

Sean: I know, I tried to explain that to Christian…

Christian: Hold on, Sean. It’s one thing to slip up, it’s another to lie about what I said.

Dr. Faith Wolper: So you’re denying you ever had feelings for Sean?

Christian: I never said I was gay and I never said I wanted a relationship with him. I never said those words.

Dr. Faith Wolper: Christian, when people come to me, they do so because they don’t have the words to express how they feel. It’s my job to map out those emotions, to interpret their desires.

Christian: Desires?

Dr. Faith Wolper: The dream that you had where you and Sean were lovers?

Sean: You didn’t tell me…

Christian: You’re not still buying into her crap, are you?

Sean: If it’s not true, why are you so upset?

Christian: Look, you have enough to deal with in your life without taking advice from some psychotic!

Christian: [after finding James in his Office] I thought I smelled brimstone.

Reefer [4.13]

James: (drinks a glass of champagne) It’s perfection. Makes life worth living. Takes the sting out of being away from one’s family and one’s friends.

Reefer: I don’t have any. Except a daughter. Far as she’s concerned, I’m dead.

James: That is so sad. Well, we’ll be each other’s family this Christmas Eve. Shall we? After all, we’re all alone. Just the two of us. Even the night nurse has gone. I’m James.

Reefer: That’s a man’s name.

James: In French, ‘J’aime’ means ‘I love’.

Reefer: Reefer

James: (laughs) Well that’s the same in any language, isn’t it?

Michelle: (Upon seeing the corpse of "Reefer", a homeless man) What have you done?

James: This isn't the first time you've seen a cadaver.

Michelle: He was a human being! What kind of monster are you?

James: He had no family, his only talent was drinking. At least this way he can contribute something to society. And contribute he did.

Michelle: What do you need me for?

James: Cleanup, darling!

Michelle: I can't do this anymore, James.

Willy Ward [4.14]

Sean: The neighbors will either move or send you flowers.

James: What is the market for children's kidneys? I think I can get two of them within a week

Michelle: What have you done with Wilbur?

James: (Aiming a gun at Michelle) Children that age are so extraordinary, aren’t they? So pure. So full of light.

Michelle: Give him back, God damn you. He’s innocent. He doesn’t deserve to suffer.

James: Do any of us? I had a little boy. Did I tell you that? I… I don’t think I did. Jonathan. He had the same bright sparkle in his eyes. He inherited a defective gene and his kidneys developed sacs of fluid that consumed the healthy tissue. He was eighteen months when he died in my arms. Waiting for a young donor. A tragedy that’s led me to my current… business. It’s ironic, isn’t it?

Michelle: So you think your child’s death justifies taking another child’s life?

James: Children’s organs are in high demand. It seemed alright somehow. To deprive you of the happiness I can’t have, to make you distaste. Misery that has become my life. Misery! So powerful that it can make you do things, things you’d never believe yourself capable of.

Michelle: Oh my God, Wilbur…

James: It was shocking to me when it first occurred to me. A drunk is one thing, but a helpless child? You were right when you said: there is nothing human left in me! Can you imagine, to take revenge on something you’ve never had, that you can never have, on a defenseless child?

Michelle: James, don’t! Please! Please don’t…

James: When you reach that point, there’s just nothing left to lose, is there, darling? I loved you! (Turns the gun on herself and fires)

Escobar: Your boss James, used to work for me. And now, your gonna take her place. (reveals a gun) Please drive.

Gala Gallardo [4.15]

Escobar: (to Liz, who is holding a gun to his head) Go on. Pull the trigger. Have you ever held a gun before in your life?

Gala: Give me the gun.

Sean: Put the gun down... (Liz hands the gun to Gala)

Escobar: Look at my girl, saving my ass again. Is she the best or what? (a bullet passes through his head)

Liz: You killed him.

Gala: Yeah, well, I certainly wasn’t going to screw him again. That deadbeat asshole makes love like an adolescent bull. Besides, business was better without him. Take it as payment for the surgery. Now you can be sure that he’ll leave you alone. So, am I checked out or what?

Sean: You need to take him with you!

Gala: I know. It would be a bitch to get through customs. You can have him.

Chaz Darling [5.5]

Eden: I bruise easy doctor, so take a deep breath and think about what your options here really are.

Damien Sands [5.6]

Christian Troy: I love all this Californian New Age crap. It is hilarious to make you think that you can stick a needle in your head, and that your whole body is going to go numb; you know it's just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Christian Troy: (About Eden) She's a drug addict, and a liar and she will do anything she can to score some more pills.

Dr. Joshua Lee [5.7]

Sean: Our granddaughter will want for nothing except parental role models.

Kyle Ainge [5.11]

Colleen: (wheeling out a Teddy Bear stuffing machine) Do you know what it's like to be a nobody and suddenly become a somebody because you hit your dumb little unimportant star, the one that shines so much brighter than yours? And do you know how much it hurts... (attaching a hose up to the machine) ... when that wonderous, magical star suddenly flickers out and dies in your life, and you end up being just shut in the shadows? It hurts so much! You will not take away my star, you will not take away my Sean. (holds the hose up to the face of a tied down man) I want you to open your mouth. I said open your mouth! Get some god damn dignity. (places the hose in his mouth and turns the machine on) See the stuffing? It's going inside you now. That's it, that's it. that's it, that's it. (closes the now dead man's eyes and places bead eyes over his)

Cast

Dylan Walsh - Sean McNamara
Julian McMahon - Christian Troy
Joely Richardson - Julia McNamara
John Hensley - Matt McNamara
Roma Maffia - Liz Winters/Liz Cruz
Kelly Carlson - Kimber Henry
Jessalyn Gilsig - Gina Russo
Valerie Cruz - Grace Santiago (Season 1)
Robert LaSardo - Escobar Gallardo
Bruno Campos - Quentin Costa (Season 3-)
Rhona Mitra - Kit McGraw (Season 3)
Saana Lathan - Michelle Landau (Season 4)
Larry Hagman - Burt Landau (Season 4)
Kelsey Batelaan - Annie McNamara
Famke Janssen - Ava Moore
Peter Dinklage - Marlowe Sawyer
Jaqueline Bisset - James (Season 4)