Directed by Roger Michell. Written by Richard Curtis

William Thacker

• Would you like something to eat? Something to nibble on? Apricots, soaked in honey? Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting like apricots and makes them taste like honey... and if you wanted honey, you could just... buy honey. Instead of apricots. But nevertheless they're yours if you want them.

• [to Martin] If I were to employ a wet rag would I have to pay it as much as I pay you?

• Actually, apart from the American, I've loved only two girls. The first one left me faster than you can say Indiana Jones, and the second one, who seriously ought to have known better, casually marries my best friend.

• It's as if I've taken love heroin, and now I can't ever have it again.

• [after hitting his shin on a fence while climbing over it] Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile? [Anna kisses him] Nice garden.

• [about Anna's new film project] Any horses in that one? Or hounds for that matter; our readers are equally intrigued by both species.

Anna Scott

• "I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

• "For June who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her." Some people do spend their whole lives together.

• Hi. I'd just like to apologize for my friend, he's really sensitive. Don't worry about it! I'm sure it was harmless. I'm sure it just friendly banter. I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts! Enjoy your dinner, the tuna's really good.

• Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?

• Well happiness wouldn't be happiness without a violin-playing goat!

• Rita Hayworth used to say: "They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me"

Spike

• Just going to the kitchen to get some food, then I'm going to tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.

• I knew a girl at school called Pandora. Never got to see her box, though.

• Bugger this for a bunch of bananas.

• Well, isn't this a good opportunity to... slip her one?

• [comes in after being photographed by the press] How did I look? [looking in a mirror] Not bad, not at all bad. Well chosen briefs I must say. Chicks love grey. [clenching his bum] Nice. Firm. Buttocks.

Others

Honey: Oh, God, this is one of those key moments in life, when it's possible you can be really, genuinely cool- and I'm failing 100%. I absolutely and totally and utterly adore you and I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that we can be best friends. What do YOU think?

Jeff King (to Will) Can you adios those dishes and take out that trash?

Max: James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit.

Dialogue

William: (Spike is wearing his wetsuit) Can I ask you why you are wearing that?

Spike: Combination of factors. No clean clothes.

William: There never will be, unless you actually clean your clothes.

Spike: Vicious cycle. And I was rooting around in your things and found this and thought groovy.

Bernie: I'm sorry I am so late. Bollocksed up at work again, I fear. Millions down the drain.

Max: Well done.

Spike: There's something wrong with this yogurt.

William: Ah, that's not yogurt, that's mayonnaise.

Spike: Ah, right-o then. [continues to eat it]

William: I enjoyed the movie very much. I was just wondering, did you ever consider having more horses in it?

Anna: Well, we would have liked to. But it was difficult, obviously, being set in space.

William: Is this your first film?

12-yr-old Actress: Well, actually it's my 22nd!

William: Any favorites among the 22?

12-yr-old Actress: Working with Leonardo.

William: DaVinci?

12-yr-old Actress: DiCaprio.

William: Of course. And is...is he your favorite Italian director?

Writer: Oh, I see she took your grandmother's flowers.

William: Yeah...bitch.

William: Sorry about the "surreal but nice" comment.

Anna: Don't worry, I thought the whole "apricot honey" thing was the real low point.

William: Would you like a cup of tea before you go?

Anna: No.

William: Orange juice? No, probably not...something else cold? Coke? Water? Some disgusting sugary drink pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest?

Anna: No.

William: Do you always say no to everything?

Anna: (thinks) No.

William: Calm down, have a cup of tea.

Anna Scott: No! I don't want any goddamn tea!

Anna: You know what they say about men with big feet.

William: No, I don't, actually. What's that?

Anna Scott: Big feet...large shoes.

Anna: What is it about men and nudity? Particularly breasts? How can you be so interested in them?

William: Well...

Anna: I mean, seriously- they're just breasts, every second person has them. They're odd looking, they're for milk from your mother. What's all the fuss about?

Anna: What's so annoying is now I'm so totally fierce when it comes to nudity clauses.

William: You have clauses in your contract?

Anna: Yeah. "You may show the dent at the top of the artist's buttocks, but neither cheek, or, if a stunt bottom is being used, artists must have full consultation".

William: You have a stunt bottom?

Anna: I could have a stunt bottom, yes.

William: Are people tempted to go for better bottoms than their own?

Anna: Well, yeah, I would. This is important stuff.

William: Hell of a thing to put on your passport- "Occupation, 'Mel Gibson's bottom.'"

Anna: Actually, Mel does his own ass work. Well, why wouldn't he?

Anna: What do you think?

William: Gripping. It's not Jane Austen, it's not Henry James, but it's gripping.

Anna: You think I should do Henry James?

William: I think you'd be wonderful in Henry James but this writer- writers- they're pretty good, too.

Anna: You never get anyone in Wings of a Dove saying, "Inform the Pentagon we need Black Star cover."

William: And, for me, the book is the poorer for it.

Anna: Wait, what about me?

Max: Sorry, you think you deserve the brownie?

Anna: Well, a shot at it, at least, huh?

William: Well, you'll have to fight me for it- this is a very good brownie.

Anna: I've been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade. I've had a series of not-nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me. Ah, and every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment. And it's taken two rather painful operations to get me looking like this.

Honey: Really?

Anna: Really. (indicates nose and chin) And, one day, not long from now, my looks will go, they'll discover I can't act and I'll become some sad, middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.

Max: (long pause) Nah, nice try, gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone.

William: Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.

Bernie: What's the pay like in movies? I mean, last movie- how much did you get paid?

Anna: 15 million dollars.

Max: You haven't slept with her, have you?

William: That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.

Max: "No comment" means "yes."

William: No, it doesn't.

Max: Do you ever masturbate?

William: DEFINITELY no comment.

Max: You see? It means "yes."

Martin: Did you know, and this is pretty amazing, that I once saw Ringo Starr?

William: Where was that?

Martin: Kensington High Street. At least I think it was Ringo...um, it could've been that guy from Fiddler on the Roof. You know, Toppy.

William: Topol.

Martin: Yes, yes, that's right, Topol.

William: (thinks) Mmmhmmm- actually, Ringo Starr doesn't- doesn't at all look like, uh, Topol.

Martin: Yes, but, he was- he was quite a long way away from me.

William: So, it actually could've been neither of them.

Martin: Yes, I suppose, so.

William: It's not really a classic anecdote, is it?

Martin: Not a classic, no.

Bella: Do you want to stay?

William: Why not? All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman.

Keziah: No, thanks, I'm a fruitarian.

Max: I didn't realize that.

William: And, ah, what exactly is a fruitarian?

Keziah: We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings, so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that've actually fallen off a tree or bush- that are, in fact, dead already.

William: Right, right. Interesting stuff. So, these carrots...?

Keziah: Have been murdered, yes.

William: Murdered? Poor carrots. How beastly!

William: Whoopsidaisies!

Anna: What did you say?

William: Nothing.

Anna: Yes, you did.

William: No, I didn't.

Anna: You said, "whoopsidaisies".

William: I don't think so. No one says "whoopsidaisies," do they? Unless they're-

Anna: There is no "unless." No one has said "whoopsidaisies" for 50 years and even then, it was only little girls with blonde ringlets.

William: Exactly. Here we go again. (falls off the fence, again) Whoopsidaisies! It's a disease I've got, it's a clinical thing. I'm taking pills and having injections. It won't last long.

Anna: I can't believe you have that picture on your wall.

William: You like Chagall?

Anna: I do. It feels like how being in love should be. Floating through a dark blue sky.

William: With a goat playing the violin.

Anna: Yes, happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat.

Anna: Rita Hayworth used to say, "They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me."

William: Who's Gilda?

Anna: Her most famous part. Men went to bed with the dream, they didn't like it when they'd wake up with the reality. Do you feel that way?

William: You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

Anna: Oh, really. So the entire British press got up this morning and said, "I know where Anna Scott is, she's in that house with the blue door in Notting Hill." And then you go out, in your goddamn underwear!

Spike: (walking in) I went out in my goddamn underwear, too.

William: (Anna's left after the press showed up on the doorstep) Was it you?

Spike: I may have told a few people down at the pub...

Anna's Co-Star: God, that's an enormous arse.

Anna: I'm not listening.

Anna's Co-Star: No, honestly- it's so sad, all those anorexic girls. She has enough to share around and still be big-bottomed.

Anna: I'd think looking at something that nice, you and your bony little excuse for an arse would be well-advised to keep quiet.

William: Please, sod off.

Anna: OK.

William: No, no, no! I thought you were someone else. I mean, I thought you were Spike, but I'm thrilled you're not.

Anna: Busy tomorrow?

William: I thought you were leaving tomorrow?

Anna: I was.

William: I live in Notting Hill, you live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name.

Anna: I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Max: Let's face facts, this was always a no-win situation. Anna's a goddess- you know what happens to mortals who get involved with gods.

William: Buggered, is it?

Max: Every time.

Bernie: But she said she wanted to go out with you?

William: Yes...sort of...

Bernie: That's nice.

William: What?

Bernie: Well, you know, anybody saying they want to go out with you is...pretty great...isn't it?

William: It was sort of sweet, actually- I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line, but she said that she might be as famous as can be, but also...that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. (pause) Oh, sod a dog. I've made the wrong decision, haven't I?

Honey: William just turned down Anna Scott.

Spike: You daft prick!

P.R. Chief: Dominic- if you'd like to ask your question again?

Journalist: Yes. Anna, how long are you intending to stay here in Britain?

Anna: (pause) Indefinitely.

Anna: Can I stay for a while?

William: You can stay forever.

Cast

• Julia Roberts - Anna Scott
• Hugh Grant - William Thacker
• Richard McCabe - Tony
• Rhys Ifans - Spike
• James Dreyfus - Martin
• Tim McInnerny - Max
• Gina McKee - Bella
• Mischa Barton - 12-year-old Actress
• Emma Chambers - Honey
• Hugh Bonneville - Bernie
• Alec Baldwin - Jeff King