Anthony

• [girl in bed with him farts on him] Oh, no you didn't.
• Welcome to el Matador, Spanish for, The Matador.

Pig Pen

• I'm gonna need a bucket, a paint brush and 10 pounds of salt. Lance. Get his pants.
• I don't have to write a test to tell you that I take drugs.
• Carpe the Diem. Seize The Carp.

Luke

• Can you get an STD from a polar bear?
• Maybe we should clarify something. When you won the race last night, that made you king of the mountain. Not king of the no-ball-pussy-losers. They already have their own king. My brother.
• No regrets, that's my motto. Well... that and everybody Wang Chung tonight.
• This suit is really cramping my Hardy Boys. It's no mystery.
• Well, yeah it doesn't really allow my dice to roll and by dice I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer.
• [drunk] There you are, I've been looking for you, come inside, you look so beautiful and I wanted to see if you wanted to dance. [Anna walks up] Not you, him and his white tuxedo
• [Pig Pen wakes up from humping a bench in his sleep] He's had a crush on that bench for years....Did you enjoy your nap?
• You know I hate what they're doing to the mountain, but this is the best vanilla latte I have ever had. You can actually taste the vanilla beans... I don't like the coffee.
• [punches Pig Pen] A little sensitivity here. Can't you see this is a dejected man? Now Rick, get your dejected head out of your ass. Papa Muntz wanted you to run this mountain.

Stumpy

• I was there. Yeah, it was called the '80s. Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House and FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bummin' in a hole-in-a-wall town in what is now called Utah. Some fella from Colorado shows up, starts making so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets are running with latte's. It got so bad that a fella that liked to, you know... smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster, maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, was "uncouth, against God." More like bad real estate values. Stumpy had to go!
• Did I ever tell you about the time I invented snowboarding? Ya I don't want credit for it but they keep on giving it to me...

Dialogue

Jenny: I seriously think it's time for you to move on and stop this broken-heart stuff.

Rick: All right. So... you wanna hook up?

Jenny: You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that, Rick.

Rick: [pause, lower] Soooo... ya still wanna hook up? [Jenny laughs]

Jenny: Are you sniffing me?

Lance: Oh man, if I was her I'd be getting with every dude on this mountain.

Luke: Rule number one. You do not talk about king of the mountain. Rule number two. There are no rules.

Anthony: Uhh...what about rule number one?

Luke: That's more of a guideline than a rule. Do NOT interrupt.

Rick: And as an added bonus you also win the contents of Eric's stolen wallet. Which are Luke...?

Luke: Two bucks, Condom, ...expiration date 1997. And a picture of his grandmoth- ...nope that's uh ...Nancy Reagan.

Rick: And most importantly, pushing, shoving and cheating are encouraged.

Luke: Let's go have a drink everybody.

Rick: Actually I have to turn in. I have to give Mr. Mays a snowboarding lesson.

Luke: Yeah I've got fag practice in the morning so I understand.

Pig Pen: Here's what I don't get alright is you met this chick and you got all freaky-deaky with her and then poof she disappeared. How's there a problem with that.

Rick: Pig Pen when I want advice about a good planet of the apes film or maybe how to get the resin out of my bong I'll come to you, okay? But I am not going to take romantic advice from someone who can't spell romantic or advice. Or bong.

Lance: Hey. Hot sluts with tits.

Rick: You don't have to do that anymore, remember?

Lance: Oh yeah. Sorry. Old habits die hard. Oh what the hell - I LOVE MEN. Who wants me?

Rick: Lance you don't have to do that either...

Rick: You're pretty good with these kids. They seem to like you.

Jenny: Well, I seem to have experience dealing with immature boys.

Rick: Ouch.

Eric Montclare: Luke, why don't you shut up before my fist makes an appointment with your ass?

Luke: Eric, do you notice you're always talking about sticking something in my ass, and that time it wasn't even a threat, technically, that was flirting.

Pig Pen: Snownook's not our home, Bull Mountain's our home.

Anthony: Well technically, it belonged to the Eskimos, but we stole it fair and square.

Stumpy: Rick! I'm your father!

Rick: Ok whatever!

Inga: Tell me where did you get these scars?

Luke: Oh lets see. Skateboard, truck accident, and a fire hydrant.

Inga: I bet each one has its own exciting story, no?

Luke: No, not really. I skateboarded off a truck into a fire hydrant.

Inga: I never met an American boy before, are you all so, wild?

Luke: Yeah, we have a saying around here, "no brains, no headache."

Inga: We have saying in Switzerland too, "no swimsuit, no tan lines."

Luke: [Looking towards the sky] [whispers] Thank you.

Luke: We have another saying around here.

Inga: Uh huh, what's that?

Luke: I don't know.

Pig Pen: [shouts] So, are you like a crippled guy?

Barry: [shouts] Naw, I'm just a really lazy guy!

Doorman: Get outta here!

Pig Pen: I'm gonna take Kung-Fu and kick your friggen ass! We'll have the party at our place... We don't need their fancy-smancy shit and their blue ropes!

Cast

• Jason London as Rick Rambis
• Lee Majors as John Majors
• Willie Garson as Ted Muntz
• Zach Galifianakis as Luke
• David Koechner as Stumpy
• Flex Alexander as Anthony
• A.J. Cook as Jenny
• David Denman as Lance
• Caroline Dhavernas as Anna
• Derek Hamilton as Pig Pen
• Thomas Lennon as Eric Montclare
• Victoria Silvstedt as Inga
• Todd Richards as Barry
• Lewis Arquette as Herbert 'Papa' Muntz