Balki Bartokomous

• Balki Bartokomous: Well of course not, don't be ridiculous.

• Balki: Patience is a virgin.

• Balki: Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!

• Balki: "America! Land of my dreams, home of the Whopper!" (from the debut episode)

• [Unknown to Sam, Balki has been hypnotised and thinks he is Elvis Presley]
  Sam Gorphley: If you don't start acting like yourself by the time I count to three, you are out of a job! One...
  Balki: For the money!
  Sam: Two...
  Balki: For the show! — "The King and I", Season Four

• Larry: ...We have the element of surprise.
  Balki: You're right there, cousin: even we don't know what we're doing.

• Balki: Lier, lier, pants for hire.

• Balki: "Oh, give me a line of credit!"

Larry Appleton

• Larry: I'm in debt. I am a true American.

• Larry: Oh, my Lord!

• Larry: I have...a plan.

• Larry: Watch...and learn.

• Larry: Say, Chuck, do you have a blueprint for your brain? I'm building an idiot.
  Balki: [confused] Cousin, you didn't tell me you were building an idiot.
  Larry: It was going to be a surprise. — "The Karate Kids", Season Three

• [Larry is hanging by the neck of his jacket.]
  Larry: Alright, Balki, now help me down.
  Balki: [excited] Cousin, do it for me, please?
  Larry: [wearily] No, no...
  Balki: Oh, please! Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way to the Emerald City?
  Larry: 'Some people go that way, and some people go that way...'
  Balki/Larry: '...But, of course, people do go both ways!' — "That Old Gang of Mine", Season Three

• Balki: Where are the instructions?
  Larry: I threw them out.
  Balki: You threw them out?
  Larry: Appletons have never used instructions. My dad completely rewired the house in Denver without instructions.
  Balki: Isn't that the house that burned to the ground?
  Larry: [sheepishly] They never proved it was the wiring. — "Pipe Dreams", Season Three

• Balki: Well cousin, I guess when they were handing out the lips you only got one! [pause] Why aren't you laughing?
  Larry: [stony-faced] It's hard to laugh with one lip. — "The Break In", Season Three

Mary-Anne Spencer

• Mary-Anne Spencer: You know, having a ghost would explain so many things. Like how when you open the refrigerator, the light goes on.

• [Larry has asked the gang to help bake 2,000 Bibbi-Bobka's to be sold to a restaurant]
  Jennifer Lyons: Larry, it took us all morning to bake three dozen. Do you know how many dozen 2,000 are?
  Mary-Anne: [instantly] One-hundred and sixty-six and two-thirds dozen. [off their looks] My father was a carpenter.