Number 1-99

• Pintsize: Hook me up to the monitor. I'll download you some nice, cheerful porn.

Number 1: Employment Sucks

• Marten: A lesser man, a man weaker than I, might interject with a lewd or suggestive comment at this juncture.

Number 36: A Lesser Man Indeed

• Marten: The only way to deal with computer salespeople is with an overwhelming preemptive strike.

Number 45: Pity, He Asked For It

• Pintsize: My first commandment is: "Thou shalt not beget electromagnetism in the presence of your Lord".

Number 70: There Can Be Only One

• Faye: I have attained girlvana!

Number 79: I Want Those Posters Dammit

Number 100-199

• Faye: A girl has to protect her assets. Also her breastets.

Number 100: Bad Timing

• Faye: Actually, it is a credit to your character that you would ply me with drink not to try and get some action, but to hear me say funny words and southern slang.

Number 130: Going For The Bronze

• Pintsize: He doesn't have to wake up, you know. I have a laser, and we have a garbage disposal.

Number 148: Never Saw It Coming

• Amanda: That was the day I learned there's no way you can remove your head from another girl's crotch in a nonchalant manner.

Number 165: Hi Mom!

• Faye: If a lady's junk is quiverin', her man must be deliverin'!

Number 180: All A-Quiver

Number 200-299

• Steve: Now, is a Smarmadon a type of Smarmosaur, or is it the other way around?

Number 202: Sexy Clones

• Marten: I feel sexy now. All makin' ladies' panties wet from 100 yards away - a Sex Jedi!

Number 203: Like Hair On A Wookie

• Faye: Yes! Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps!

Number 240: Ursa Ursa Ursa

• Ellen: I should just date a shower massage. They don't care about age.

Number 243: Hit The Showers

• Pintsize: When talking about the human experience, it all comes around to poopin' eventually.

Number 270: Cheap Humor

Number 300-399

• Pintsize: Curses! I am powerless against the might of duct tape!

Number 310: Duck It

• Faye: When you became my friend you were automatically enrolled in the Menstrual Discussion Plan. For an additional $15.99 per month you can upgrade to the Digestive Issues Bulletin Package.

Number 311: Sneaky Junk

• Ellen: You know, employing the Socratic Method in the bedroom could be pretty interesting.

Number 317: Ask, Not Tell

• Faye: Your honesty is the knife twisting in the wound that is my conscience. Also, that was the most emo thing I have ever said. Please just shoot me now before I metaphor again.

Number 340: Also the Most Emo Thing I Have Ever Written

• Pintsize: It was like being hit by a freight train carrying eighty tons of SEX!

Number 387: Tungsten Of Tushes

Number 400-499

• Faye: I shop like Puritans have sex - in and out in three minutes, and only for the procreation of children.

Number 424: Her Favorite Sound

• Marten: Funny, I thought you advocated the murder of your patrons.

Number 443: Love Indiemarican Style

• Raven: Me? Sarcastic? Of course not, I'm far too ditzy to grasp the subtleties of mockery.

Number 444: Quite Beyond Her

• Raven: You know, I never really got that phrase. All life isn't suffering. Sometimes there are parties and makeouts! And marijuana!

Number 453: She's Seriously Kinda Crazy

• Faye: The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.

Number 478: I Get Knocked Down

Number 500-599

• Faye: Figures the first girl you bring home'd be a stalker.

Number 533: I Am Seriously That Introverted

• Raven: "Frame of mind"? What does that have to do with dating? Be like Toucan Sam! Follow your nose! Or, uh, your junk. Be a horny Toucan Sam!

Number 541: Captain Crunch EWWW

• Raven: I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an AWESOME rack.

Number 542: Playing Her Like A Fiddle

• Dora: Cashmere is comfy, but it just can't compare with steaming human entrails.

Number 563: Serial Killer Couture

• Raven: I like how Axe body spray smells, but it doesn't make me want to hump inanimate objects like in the commercials. Which is sort of disappointing.

Number 583: Commercials Lie

Number 600-699

• Dora: Threesomes are a lot like Communism - they're a great idea on paper but in reality they rarely work well.

Number 600: It's Assumed That He Is Joking

• Marten: I think I exude a pheromone that causes existential conflict in ladies. I'm like some sort of rare Uncertainty Moth.

Number 608: Worrywarts

• Dora: They should give RealDolls the ability to press charges. Although I guess that'd remove one of their major selling points.

Number 633: For The Man Who Has Everything?

• Pintsize: If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot.

Number 660: It's Been A Long Weekend

• Faye: Is there a full moon tonight or something? There must be a reason every boy I know is acting RETARDED.

Number 683: A Lunar Explanation

Number 700-799

• Faye: Get used to it. Working at Coffee of Doom means subjecting yourself to a neverending parade of inventive nicknamery.

Number 729: Biology Department

• Hannelore: My first words when I was a toddler were "thousand-yard stare".

Number 730: Creeped Out Again

• Penelope: He was pretty handsome for a religious leader. But then, it'd be hard NOT to look good in one of those awesome pope-hats.

Number 769: Then The Left One

• Marten: Actually, I was fired from the morgue for juggling heads. Specifically, for juggling heads badly and making a mess on the floor.

Number 772: I Miss Sexy Losers

• Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.

Number 789: Animal House

Number 800-899

• Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn.

Number 803: It Must Be On A Remote Server Or Something

• Dr. Corrine: "Just go out and bang some dude" is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good," and "jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you."

Number 809: Devil's Advocate

• Faye: Screw the bar, let's get drunk and play with Hanners' suction cups!

Number 829: Pintsize Taught Her

• Tai: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Especially if it's been soaked in cheap whiskey.

Number 842: A Chip Off The Ol' Block

• Hannelore: Can I HANDLE it? I am a cleaning NINJA. I'll make that dirt my BITCH.

Number 865: Knuckles

Number 900-999

• Faye: If I became physically attracted to things that irked me, the world would burst into flame from the friction of my furious humping.

Number 900: Maybe At A Swingers' Party?

• Faye: Well that's just awful. I have just the thing to cheer you up, though - a 100% genuine unicorn hair, guaranteed to grant you eternal life. Only two thousand dollars!

Number 945: I Heart Alan Moore

• Marten: In Canada they have socialized asskicking. It's called "hockey."

Number 988: Wayne Gretzky, MD

Number 1000-1099

• Hannelore: Oh! It was a pun! I'm sorry. Daddy didn't allow puns when I was growing up.

Numer 1007: Weird Flavor

• Faye: My chest is not the Make-A-Wish Foundation!

Number 1012: Think Of The Children

• Steve: Holy shit. He's a serial killer. He has to be. NOBODY'S that perfect.

Number 1027: Holy Exposition, Batman

• Marten: I wonder what cymbal testers do for fun. Hihat scrimshaw? Novelty gong-craft? Or do they just go home, take twenty Advils, and listen to the soothing sounds of felt?

Number 1054: Not The Band, The Actual Fabric

• Sven: I see flashing lights, dudes in hard hats waving flags, and about three miles of caution tape. There's a big sign that says "DETOUR - ANY OTHER FEMALE IN EXISTENCE."

Number 1076 Road Flares and Jersey Barriers

• Faye: Are you always this smug after you ravish a lady?

Number 1082: Nobody Likes That Kind

Number 1100-1199

• Hannelore: Man, good thing human females don't have venomous ovipositors, huh?

Number 1101: Better Left Unsaid

• Raven: I might not be the sharpest bulb in the box but I'm not THAT gullible.

Number 1115: Mixed Metaphor

• Hannelore: Really? So you're NOT all highly-trained actors being paid off by my parents to offer me the illusion of a normal social life?

Number 1144: Geppetto: The Later Years

• Hannelore: As far as pathogens go, friendship is pretty okay.

Number 1145: Typhoid Marten

• Sven: "Roses are red,

violets are blue,

you're really hot,

let's fuck."

Number 1189: Lurid Verse

Number 1200-1299

• Pintsize: Human cusswords focus on mating, excretion and genitalia. Robot cusswords focus on mashing on homerow. ASDF is a four-letter word.

Number 1200: Don't Even Mention Dvorak

• Tai: Th-that was probably just somebody's escaped tarantula. Right?

Marten: Either way, next time I go down to the stacks I'm bringin' a flamethrower.

Hannelore: You guys saw that too? Thank goodness. I thought I was hallucinating again.

Number 1211: One Can Only Hope

• Sven: What am I supposed to say, "I'm sorry my friend is a creepy motherfucker, but will you please go out on a date with him anyway?"

Number 1213: A Meeting Engagement

• Pintsize: What do humans typically do when they find themselves leaking an unknown substance from one of their orifices?

Faye: They...go to the doctor?

Pintsize: NO, they go post pictures of it on the internet.

Number 1254: Does This Look Infected?

• Sven: A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.

Number 1274: Guy Fawkes Day Works Too

Number 1300-1399

• Tai: People in committed relationships emit a pheromone that makes them more attractive.

Number 1322: Or Stop Showering

• Hannelore: Beethoven's Fifth reminds me of Canada. I don't know why. I've never been to Canada.

Number 1336: Canasthesia

• Marten: There are other fish in the sea, and they're not all Asshole Cod.

Number 1346: Jerks Cousteau

• Sven: I'd self-immolate but I wouldn't want to inconvenience the neighbors.

Number 1347: The Honorable Course

Number 1400-1499

• Faye: My right boob sags a little more than my left. I call it the Underachiever.

Number 1405: To Make A List

• Sven: My artistic integrity wears a gimp suit and lives in a box.

Number 1424: He WoWs When Depressed

• Marten: Bartender, fetch us some frosty beers and fancy outfits!

Number 1425: With Maximum Ridiculosity

• Faye: Aww, it's been FOREVER since I've had to punch you! What a delightful wave of nostalgia!

Number 1462: The Good Old Days

• Faye: I demand a tumbler full of gin and a fainting couch!

Number 1471: Gettin' Darcified