Red Dwarf Quotations

Red Dwarf is a BBC Sci-Fi/Comedy television show set on a fictional mining spaceship, the Red Dwarf of the show's title, three million years after radiation killed most of the crew. The characters are: Holly, the computer; Dave Lister, the only human survivor, whom Holly released from stasis; Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of Lister's former superior; The Cat, the last of a race of humanoids evolved from Lister's cat; and characters encountered later in the series.

Unless otherwise noted, these quotes are from show creators Rob Grant and/or Doug Naylor.

The End

Lister: [singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...

Rimmer: Lister?

Lister: Hmm?

Rimmer: Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? [Lister shakes head] No? Well, shut up, then.

Rimmer: [discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.

Lister: You what? You went in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted!

Rimmer: That's a total lie.

Lister: No, it's not. Peterson told me.

Rimmer: "No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mold-breaking for the examiners to accept.

Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish!

Future Echoes

Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

Rimmer: [jogging] Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species. [jogs away]

[Lister]: Good morning, Rimmer.

Balance of Power

Holly: Jean-Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.

Lister: Holly, all his mates were French!

Rimmer: What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.

Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

Waiting For God

Holly: David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career."

Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer."

Confidence and Paranoia

Cat: Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.

Cat: [sings] S-E-X, you know I want it! S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! Yeah! [Cat finds Lister unconscious on the floor.] S-E-X, I think I found it!

Me²

Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?

Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.

Lister: Like what?

Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.

Lister: I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

Lister: Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for?

Rimmer: Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service... Twelve years long service.

Kryten

Holly: We're a bit short on a few supplies.

Lister: Like what?

Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.

Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?

Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.

Lister: Dog's milk?

Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.

Lister: Why?

Holly: No bugger'll drink it. And the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Hol?

Holly: What, and spoil your tea?

Cat: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"

Better Than Life

Cat: I'm so hungry. I have to eat!

Lister: Shh... Rimmer's dad's died.

Cat: I'd prefer chicken.

Lister: Smeg! Outland Revenue!

Rimmer: [sarcastically] Oh, oh, oh, oh! Outland Revenue!

Lister: 8500!

Rimmer: 8500? That's a lot of tax, isn't it, Listy? How on Titan are you going to pay for that?

Lister: I'm not. It's yours.

Rimmer: What? This is wrong! This is dead wrong!

Lister: Relax, it doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?

Rimmer: What? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

Thanks for the Memory

Rimmer: I want a fried egg sandwich...

Lister: With chili sauce and chutney!

Holly: You what?

Lister: It's a state-of-the-art sarnie!

Holly: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.

Rimmer: It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.

Lister: It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves.

Rimmer: It's amazing Where did you get the recipe?

Lister: I'm not sure.... I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.

Stasis Leak

Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?

Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.

Cat [to Lister]: What is it?

Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.

Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?

Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.

Cat [to Lister]: What is it?

Lister: It's a hole back into the past.

Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

Rimmer: Look... In three million years, you'll be dead.

Past Rimmer: [mock surprise]: Oh, will I really?

Rimmer: Yes, unless you do something about it now.

Past Rimmer: Oh, and what do you suggest I do, then? Eat less white bread? More roughage?

Queeg

Holly [after being insulted about his temporarily reduced IQ]: 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!

Rimmer, He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot. He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me.

Parallel Universe

[from the song "Tongue-Tied," sung by Cat, Rimmer and Lister]

When I saw you for the first time (first time)

My knees began to quiver (quiver)

And I got a funny feeling (feeling)

In my kidneys and my liver (digestive system baby)

My hands they started shakin' (shakin')

My heart began a-thumpin' (boom, boom, boom)

My breakfast left my body (huey, huey, huey)

Now darling tell me somethin.'

Holly: I just don't know where we are. There's no two ways about it: I flamingoed up!

Lister: What do you mean?

Holly: It's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.

Backwards

Cat: We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side — they're gone, buddy!

Cat: Is that what I think it is?

Lister: What do you think it is?

Cat: An orange whirly thing in space!

Lister: It's a time hole. That's where they are. We're going in.

Cat: Are you crazy We can't go in there!

Lister: Why not?

Cat: Orange, with this suit?

Marooned

Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?

Rimmer: But five of them? Five massively collapsed stars, millions of miles across. How could you miss them?

Holly: It's typical, isn't it? You wait three million years with nothing, then five come along all at once.

Rimmer: He told me that in a previous incarnation I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.

Lister: You know what? I believe you.

Rimmer: To have lived a life alongside one of the greatest commanders of all time! No wonder the military's in my blood!

Lister: No wonder you're such a good singer!

Polymorph

Rimmer: Erm, I think we're losing sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we gonna call ourselves? Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that: the abbreviation is "CLITORIS."

Rimmer: The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.

Bodyswap

Rimmer: Have you ever been in dissection class held up a frog by its head? You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs? Well, that's the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning.

[Cat and Lister are playing Scrabble.]

Cat: Hey hey hey, I've got you now, buddy! J, O, Z, X, Y, Q, K!

Lister: That's not a word.

Cat: It's a Cat word.

Lister: Jozxyqk?

Cat: That's not how you pronounce it!

Lister: What does it mean?

Cat: It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.

Lister: Is it in the dictionary?

Cat: Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick. Jozxyqk!!!

Timeslides

Kryten: "Pub." Ah, yes: a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.

Kryten: [reading Hitler's Diary] Things to do: Stop milk, pay papers, invade Czechoslovakia!

The Last Day

Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.

Lister: I know. For one morning.

Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.

Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!

Rimmer: Well, it's not my fault everyone chose that day to jump out of buildings! It made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.

Rimmer: Now I know mechanoids aren't allowed to harm humans, so I suggest you hop it, me laddo, or you'll see a side of me you shan't much like.

Lister: Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?

Camille

Kryten: Has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?

Camille: Wow, you really know all the lines, don't you?

Kryten: Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!

D.N.A.

Kryten: I've been a complete and total polaroid-head.

Lister: Yeah, you've had your head right up your recharge socket.

Lister: Of course, lager! The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!

Justice

[Lister takes the witness stand]

Kryten: Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?

Cat: Take the Fifth!

Kryten: Sir, please answer the question remember you are under polygraphic surveillance: would you describe the accused as a friend?

Lister: No, I'd describe the accused as a git.

Kryten: And who would you say feels most fondly for him?

Lister: Well, I do.

Kryten: And there are no others who have shared intimate moments with him?

Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture!

Kryten: I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man [points at Rimmer] ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity —

Rimmer: Objection.

Justice: Objection overruled.

Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel.

White Hole

[The crew are talking about how to go back to the bridge through closed doors.]

Cat: I've got it. We laser our way through.

Kryten: An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers; and Two, we don't have any lasers.

Cat: Come on, man, you gotta sacrifice your life. I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.

Rimmer: You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?

Cat: No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew.

Dimension Jump

Ace: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

Rimmer: [in a scathing tone] I recognize you two. Weren't you in last month's issue of "Big Boys in Boots"?

Meltdown

Cat: Who is this guy?

Lister: Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother and his sister and ended up eating their son.

Cat: Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love, but most of us settle for pizza.

[Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids.]

Lister: How many survived?

Rimmer: Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.

Lister: So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?

Rimmer: You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.

Lister: No it isn't, pal. You're still here!

Holoship

Cat: What, am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?

Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: we don't have any defensive shields. And two: we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw; but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.

Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!

Cat: Quick — let's get out of here before they bring him back!

The Inquisitor

Rimmer: So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor"?

Kryten: Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!

Rimmer: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.

Kryten: Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life...

Rimmer: Oh, God!

Kryten: ...make a contribution...

Rimmer: Oh, God!

Kryten: ...no matter how small.

Rimmer: Oh, God!

Kryten: You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving.

Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Terrorform

Cat: Okay. I say let's get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior birdman the hell out of here!

Kryten: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial "Robbie Rocket Pants."

Cat: Well, that's put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.

Rimmer: I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?

Kryten: Would you like the list, sir?

Rimmer: What list?

Kryten: Well, there was the fact you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact your three brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life nobody has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.

Rimmer: Oh, that.

Kryten: Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half-way through my list.

Quarantine

Lister: We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?

Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!

Lister: Kryten! Are you okay, man?

Kryten: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.

Demons & Angels

Lister: I'll tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.

Kryten: These are our higher selves. They are who we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.

Rimmer: You mean hippies.

Kryten: With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.

Rimmer: Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?

Back to Reality

Kryten: Question which occurs: if this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new lifeforms, where are they all?

Lister: What are you implying?

Kryten: No implication intended, sir.

Lister: Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.

Kryten: That's one option.

Lister: Any alternatives?

Kryten: None that occur.

Rimmer: This venom — are we safe in here?

Lister: It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.

Rimmer: It's coming straight for us.

Lister: There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.

Cat: To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!

Psirens

Rimmer: There, on the floor... P-S-I-R-E-N-S... "Psirens?"

Kryten: The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.

Rimmer: But who would do that?

Lister: Someone who BADLY needed a pen.

Cat: What surprises me is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.

Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.

[Starbug is threatened by a giant rogue asteroid that could be a mere illusion.]

Kryten: Suggest we maintain course. That asteroid does not exist.

Rimmer: Suppose you're wrong?

Kryten: Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.

Rimmer: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.

Kryten: No, sir, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade.

Legion

Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert!

Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

Rimmer: Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh. This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cos it's only coming once: We surrender, totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. Oh, additional: sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Gunmen of the Apocalypse

Rimmer: Lister, she's a computer sprite. She's just a load of pixels.

Lister: Yeah, but what pixels.

Cat: You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it.

Emohawk: Polymorph II

Cat: Look what it did to me! It's turned me into Duane Dibbley — the Duke of Dork.

[While looking for the Emohawk]

Kryten: According to the psi-scan, it's somewhere in this location.

Lister: It's the barrel! [shoots at the barrel] Sorry. False alarm. That chain, it's moving! [shoots chain] Sorry. Sorry.

Kryten: Sir, try and remain calm. You're experiencing a classic knee-jerk, paranoid reaction to a terror situation. It's essential at this time that we - IT'S THE WALL! [shoots the wall] Shame overload. I... I... I sorry.

Rimmerworld

Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Kryten: But, sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer, sir.

Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug.

Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.

Out of Time

Rimmer: It can't have gone unnoticed that morale is at an all-time low. We've lost all trace of Red Dwarf and supplies are low. So I have decided to appoint myself morale officer and set myself the task of raising morale all round. Now I thought it would productive if we all met once a week and had a coffee or a beer — whatever's your poison — and get any troubles we may have off our chests. Any objections? [the others mutter agreement.] Well, as it's week one, why don't I start? You know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? That really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an icepick? Everything, that's what. Especially his godawful chirpy gerbil-faced optimism. And as for the Cat — what an unbelievable git. And Kryten — if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'll attach jump leads to his nipple nuts and fry him like a Cajun catfish. Well, that's cleared the air. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better. Thank for your contributions gentlemen. See you at next week's morale meeting. Marvellous. [exits]

Lister: Good meeting.

[The Dwarfers acquire a time travel device, testing it out by sending the ship to the year 1421]

Rimmer: Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.

Lister: Okay, punching it up.

[They see nothing but empty space]

Lister: Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!

Kryten: Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?

Rimmer: So we're still three million years away from Earth?

Tikka To Ride

Rimmer: Do you think it's because the subspace conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?

Kryten: Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.

Cat: How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep!

Stoke Me a Clipper

Ace: You can't judge a book by its cover.

Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.

Ace: Princess Bonjella? Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later and, hopefully, some sex.

Ouroboros

Kryten: [to Lister] It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.

Duct Soup

Lister: To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

Kochanski: How did I end up like this, on a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry?

Blue

[Lyrics to the The Rimmer Song in The Rimmer Experience:]

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,

More reliable than a garden strimmer,

He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner;

He's not bald, and his head doesn't glimmer.

Master of the wit and the repartee,

His command of space directives is uncanny.

How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me!

Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer.

He's also a fantastic swimmer,

And if you play your cards right,

Then he just might come round for dinner.

Beyond A Joke

Kochanski: Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think?

Cat: "Cat do this!" "Cat do that!" What am I? A dog?

Epideme

[The crew discusses a plan to remove Lister's arm to save his life.]

Lister: Can you explain it to me? Something a bit more confidence-stirring than "Can I hack off your limb?"

Kryten: The plan is to inject antivirals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm.

Lister: And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got?... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.

Kryten: I take it we're speaking with the Epideme virus?

Epideme: Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous — give him two!

Back in the Red part 1

Cat: Forget Red — let's go all the way up to Brown Alert!

Kryten: There's no such thing as a Brown Alert, sir.

Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute! And don't say I didn't alert you!

Lister: Hey guys, look at me body.

Cat: Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede.

Back in the Red part 2

Captain Hollister: Rimmer, is this salute ever going to end? Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?

Rimmer: Nearly finished, sir. This is my very special extra long salute I reserve for the especially important, sir.

Back in the Red part 3

Rimmer: One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal, it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.

Lister: Was he any help?

Rimmer: Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, Showing Compassion to Inmates.

Lister: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?

Rimmer: In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.

Lister: What did he say?

Rimmer: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

Captain Hollister: I also suspect that someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know; I used the same method myself to become captain. If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut Boy, I'm finished.

Cassandra

Lister [about their two-year prison sentence]: It's only two years; what, with good behaviour, it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!

Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.

Cassandra: All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer —

Rimmer: YES!

Cassandra: — who will be dead in twenty minutes.

Krytie TV

[Lister and Rimmer plan to leave after seeing Krytie TV's "Ladies Shower Night," fearing it could damage their appeal]

Rimmer: I want no part of this.

Lister: Me neither.

Rimmer: We've gotta go.

Lister: Right now.

Rimmer: Not a minute to lose.

Lister: I'm dust.

Rimmer: Me too. After two. One, two, go!

[They still sit there, moving their heads sideways, while watching the feature.]

Kryten: First, we sabotage the date.

Lister: What, "we"? You mean you're gonna help me?

Kryten: Step on board the "love express," sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe. This is what you leave in his quarters. A half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.

Lister: Is it? I like those.

Kryten: Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly." What a total dweebo nerdmeister he'll look with those!

Rimmer: They're mine!

Kryten: And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.

Rimmer: [exasperated] They're mine!

Kryten: And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.

Rimmer: Have you been going through my things?

Pete part 1

Lister: [Trying to get a sick note] He didn't think it was possible to get Athlete's Hand!

Pete part 2

Lister: Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?

Holly: What do you want — the long or the short version?

Lister: Oh. Long.

Holly: You're finished.

Cat: What's the short version?

Holly: Bye.

Both Birdman and Pete have been restored to their former selves

Rimmer: Now, destroy the time wand.

Lister: This machine's priceless!

Rimmer: Destroy it.

[Lister destroys the time wand. Moments later, a giant dinosaur egg is discovered behind a corner.]

Lister: Wh-what do we do now??

Rimmer: Now...rebuild...the time wand! It's absolutely priceless!

Only the Good

Death: Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me. You will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin and —

Rimmer: Not today, matey! [knees Death in the groin] Remember, only the good die young!

Death: [gasping] That's... never happened before.

Rimmer: Why don't you smegging well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!

Part One

Cat: I'm walking through the cargo deck, right? Minding my own damn business. When all of a sudden, you know that big tank on G deck?

Lister: He means the water tank.

Cat: Suddenly, there is a disturbance on the surface of the tank and this massive testicle shoots out of the water and grabs me by the throat.

Lister: He means tentacle.

Rimmer: I hope so.

Lister: You were supposed to be manning the sonar Rimmer! You could have gotten us all killed!

Rimmer: Is this about you again? It is isn't it. Cant you see right now I need some me time? My heart is still hammering, I dont know how I got through that.

Lister: You wasn't even there!

Rimmer: I was nearly there, that's close enough for me.

Part Two

Katerina: Something is not right! It's saying we don't exist! How can this be possible? "Taking to nearest valid reality". Makes no sense at all.

Katerina: You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't, I here. Cut a second hole.

Rimmer: Science officer, excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us.

Katerina: You gave me slip, I know. You not want to be erased. But you won't defeat me, I too smart.

Rimmer: Erase me? I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.

Katerina: No, hologram already dead. Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine!

Rimmer: Fair enough. [Rimmer suddenly pushes her into oncoming traffic, and her image shorts out] Come on, we haven't got all day.

Kryten: She didn't see that coming did she. I did.

Part Three

Cat: Whats going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? The guys all watching us on T.V?

Kryten: Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.

Rimmer: But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.

Lister: And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?

Rimmer: Laugh.

Lister: Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.

Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers

Rimmer: Oh, great. Not only am I dead, I don't exist, either! Thanks a lot, God!

Better Than Life

Rimmer: Spaghettification. Let me guess. I can see only two options: one -- due to the bizarre effects of the intense gravitational pull, and because we're entering a region of time and space where the laws of physics no longer apply, we all of us inexplicably develop an irresistible urge to consume vast amounts of a certain wheat-based Italian noodle conventionally served with Parmesan cheese; or two -- we, the crew, get turned into spaghetti. I have a feeling we can eliminate option one.

Last Human

GELF Leader: Yep [Lister's other self killed everyone], even me I'm afraid.

Backwards

Rimmer: .If he once again refers to me as a fruit or a vegetable, I'll take that welding torch and set his poufy fringe on fire.

Pizzak'Rapp: I am Piece of Crap, welcome to... hell.

The End

Future Echoes

Balance of Power

Waiting For God

Confidence and Paranoia

Me²

Kryten

Better Than Life

Thanks for the Memory

Stasis Leak

Queeg

Parallel Universe

Backwards

Marooned

Polymorph

Bodyswap

Timeslides

The Last Day

Camille

D.N.A.

Justice

White Hole

Dimension Jump

Meltdown

Holoship

The Inquisitor

Terrorform

Quarantine

Demons & Angels

Back to Reality

Psirens

Legion

Gunmen of the Apocalypse

Emohawk: Polymorph II

Rimmerworld

Out of Time

Tikka To Ride

Stoke Me a Clipper

Ouroboros

Duct Soup

Blue

Beyond A Joke

Epideme

Back in the Red part 1

Back in the Red part 2

Back in the Red part 3

Cassandra

Krytie TV

Pete part 1

Pete part 2

Only the Good

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers

Better Than Life

Last Human

Backwards

Cast