Rescue Me Quotations

Rescue Me (2004 - ) is an American TV series, airing on the FX Network, about the professional and personal lives of New York City firefighters after the trauma of the September 11.

Guts [1.01]

Tommy: You want to know how big my balls are? My balls are bigger than two of your heads duct-taped together. I've been in the middle of shit that would make you piss your pants right now. Uptown, downtown, Harlem, Brooklyn. But there ain't no medals on my chest, assholes, 'cause I ain't no hero. I'm a fireman. We're not in the business of making heros here. We're in the business of discovering cowards, 'cause that's what you are if you can't take the heat. You're a pussy, and there ain't no room for pussies in the FDNY. [to a snickering recruit in the first row] What are you laughing at, shithead? Huh? What's so god damn funny?

Recruit: I just... .

Tommy: Shut up! You speak when spoken to. You pussies better pray you don't get assigned to my firehouse. Because I have seen it all. I knew sixty men who gave their lives at Ground Zero. Sixty. Four of them from my house. Vito Castella... found him almost whole. Ricky Davis... found him almost whole, hugging a civilian woman. Bobby Vincent... found his head. And my cousin, Jimmy Keefe, my best friend. You know what they found of him? What I was able to bring back and give to his parents? A finger. That's all. A finger. These four men were better human beings and better firefighters than any of you will ever be.

Firefighting Class Instructor: Say "thank you," firefighting upper class!

Firefighting Upper Class: Thank you, Firefighter Gavin, sir!

[After everyone gets up and leaves]

Tommy: Look, Doc...

Dr. Goldberg: Oh, you don't need to explain, I was at another firehouse last night and the reaction was quite similar.

Tommy: The guys, uh, they're not gonna talk to a psychotherapist in the firehouse, especially not uh, female one.

Dr. Goldberg: What about the female firefighters?

Tommy: We don't have any female firefighters in this house.

Dr. Goldberg: Are you threatened by women?

Tommy: No.

Dr. Goldberg: You-- you don't seem to think that a woman can be a firefighter.

Tommy: I'll tell you what, it's not about being a man or a woman, okay? It's about doing the job. It's about me getting home safe and sound in the morning to see my kids, okay? So, you got a woman who can do the job better than the guys on my crew? Bring her on. You know? You got a martian, or a cyborg, or a Chinaman that can do the job, bring them on too.

Dr. Goldberg: Are there any Chinese firefighters?

Tommy: Yeah, probably. Somewhere in... China.

Dr. Goldberg: I'm sensing a lot of hostility.

Tommy: You are very, very perceptive.

Dr. Goldberg: That's what they tell me.

[Tommy is laying money out on the table]

Tommy: Alright, we're going to play a little game because Daddy needs to know some information on Mommy's new boyfriend. Alright?

[they all are silent]

Katy: But Mommy doesn't want us to talk about that.

Tommy: I understand that, sweetheart. That's why we have the money.

Franco: We have sex with woman who ain't our wives and we make every detail available to the other guys.

Tommy: Yeah, well, maybe I'm a gentleman.

Chief: Yeah, and I'm growing tits.

Tommy: Hey, you should check a mirror, pal.

Jimmy: All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's review. Why are you two separated?

Tommy: According to her?

Jimmy: Yeah.

Tommy: You know, I... she says I couldn't open up, I wasn't emotionally available, blah, blah, blah.

Gay [1.02]

[Talking about a fireman who retired and them came out of the closet, and also claims to know more gay firemen]

Sean: Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?

Chief Reilly, Franco, Lou, and Tommy: No.

Sean: Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.

Lou: What?

Tommy: My daughter used that term last week.

Franco: The teenager?

Tommy: The eight-year-old.

Chief Reilly: What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?

Mike: It means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?

Sean: No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.

Tommy: Holy shit.

Chief Reilly: Shoppin' for food?

Mike: Nice food.

Sean: Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?

Franco: Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.

Sean: It's not like a gay thing...

Mike: It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.

Chief Reilly: Enough. Enough.

Mike: Male bikini waxes.

Chief Reilly: Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks out)

Lou: What the hell's a male bikini wax?

Sean: That's when they take the hair off of your scrotom.

Franco: Ow.

Lou: [in a pained voice] Why?

Mike: Chicks dig it.

Franco: Chicks dig us shaving our balls?

Mike: [about Sean] He, uh, got a ball wax.

Franco: A ball wax?

Sean: Yeah. Me and this chick that I've been banging, we were talking about it right. And she said that it makes the sex better for women, right? So, there's nothin' on TV last night, so I get look through the yellow pages and I find a place and I do it.

Franco: So, this place, did you find it under "ball" or "wax?"

Tommy: Let me tell you something, okay?

Janet: Hey, don't you threaten me.

Tommy: If I want to threaten you, I will! Okay? You start a shit storm about my kids with me, you take 'em anywhere you want, I will hunt you down and I will find you. Four corners of the Earth, I will find you and I will take those kids back. That's not a threat, that's a goddamn promise, bitch.

Tommy: What is it with these gay people? They're everywhere now: sitcoms, movies. You see the thing in the paper about same sex marriage?

Chief Reilly: Same sex marriages? Hey, right now I'd settle for a "some" sex marriage.

Tommy: No, I'll tell ya, brother. I am pro-lesbian. I am a big supporter of the lesbian community.

Jimmy: Really?

Tommy: Yeah, I wish my daughter was a lesbian.

Jimmy: Which one?

Tommy: Both. Why don't they have a pill for that?

Kansas [1.03]

Sean: I like hockey, I could never play though. I've got weak ankles.

Franco: Yeah, that's not the only thing that you got that's weak.

Sean: What does that mean?

Franco: Nothing.

Sean: No, what does that mean?

Franco: It was a joke, Sean.

Sean: Well, what're you sayin' then, like I got weak knees?

Franco: No.

Sean: Arms? What?

Franco: I was talking about your mind. I was saying that you've got a weak mind.

Sean: You know what, Franco, do I piss all over you all of the time? I don't think so. I don't understand why you gotta be such a prick to me.

Lou: Hey, girls, do I have to separate you?

Sean: He said that I had a weak mind, Lou.

Lou: Yeah, like he's pulling that outta thin air.

Tommy: What is that?

Colleen: What, the cookies?

Tommy: No. Below the cookies, peeking out of your pants, and it better not be a tattoo because if it is a tattoo, you're not gonna see the light of day ever again.

Colleen: It's not like it's huge.

Tommy: Move the cookies. [she moves them] Oh my, god. What the hell?

Colleen: It's a shamrock.

Tommy: I can see it's a shamrock.

Colleen: You're always saying that we should be proud of being Irish.

Tommy: You wanna be proud you're Irish? Wave a flag, march in a parade, have 100 kids ... not yet. Oh my god.

Colleen: It's not that big of a deal, Mom has a tattoo on her butt.

Tommy: How do you know that?

Colleen: She showed me.

Tommy: She showed you? Jesus Christ. [groans] I'll tell ya' what, you're gonna get rid of that yourself, or I'm gonna get rid of it for you.

Colleen: How?

Tommy: I'm sure Black & Decker has some kind of attachment.

Colleen: It's my body. You can't tell me what to do with it.

Tommy: Oh, really? Let me just remind you of a couple things, okay? When you turn 18 years old, you can move out of this house and you can get a flower tattooed on your ass, and a rainbow tattooed on your tits, but until then as long as you live under my roof, you play by my rules. No tattoos.

Colleen: I didn't get it while I was living under your roof, I got it while I was living under Mom's.

Phyllis: You don't need to lie to me, either. What are you doing?

Lou: Okay... You want the truth?

Phyllis: Yeah.

Lou: I've been writing poetry.

Phyllis: What?

Lou: Poetry. Since... just after 9/11. It's kind of been, I don't know, my therapy, I guess. I don't know.

Phyllis: Writing poetry?

Lou: Yeah.

Phyllis: Oh my God, why couldn't it have been the porn?

[Tommy pays his nephew for sending a computer virus to Roger]

Tommy: [sighs] I could only get 300 bucks out of the ATM.

Damian: That's okay. You can owe me the rest. I trust you.

Tommy: You know what, kid? I was at your christening and I didn't drown you, okay? So let's think about who owes who. All right?

Chief Reilly: I didn't come here the other night looking for a fight. And I didn't come tonight looking for one either. I came to talk to that Teff guy. Well, he started the fight. He threw the first punch. You saw him do that. And I know a couple other guys in there saw it too.

Vinny: So?

Chief Reilly: So, uh... I mean it's possible I... I might need a witness and I was hoping you'd, you know, do the right thing.

Vinny: You know, funny thing about gay bashers: they're all tough guys until they get caught.

Chief Reilly: I never--

Vinny: I saw what every other guy in the place saw. You threw the first punch.

DNA [1.04]

Janet: [at the hospital] Tommy, I can't get any answers in there.

Tommy: You know what? [grabs her arm and pushes her against the building, and pins her there] Hey, what did I tell you, huh? What did I tell you?

Janet: Get the hell off of me!

Tommy: I told you to get your priorities straight, huh. Get your shit together. You wanted to be in charge of the kids, and what happened? She's lying in a hospital bed while you're trying to get laid with you loser goddamn boyfriend! [they shove each other and he finally lets her go]

Janet: And where have you been?!

Tommy: Where was I? At work! Paying your goddamn bills!

Janet: Tommy, this isn't about our bullshit. This is about our little girl in there.

Tommy: Don't tell me.

Janet: Goddamn you, Tommy.

Tommy: It's on your head!

Father Mickey: Tom, I, uh, I don't know what you want me to say.

Tommy: Mick... I want you to say that it's all... it's bullshit. You know? There is no plan, there is no map. There's no golden ring at the end of the ride. It's just... bullshit. You know? [sighs] I want you to take away the hope, man, that's the thing that's killing me. You know,it's just... it's like, uh... I'm just hanging here, man. Hope is making me think I can fix my marriage, you know? The day of Jimmy's funeral... you stood up on that altar and you said, "Sometimes we don't know why God does the things that he does." But I'm telling you... Mick... if he takes my little girl tonight... I'm going to want to know why.

Father Mickey: That's why you got to hold on to the hope, Tom. 'Cause in the end, that's all we got left.

Tommy: You remember that blonde that we met at the Bubble Bar last month? You were with me, right?

Franco: Yeah, yeah. The one you banged that night?

Tommy: Actually, I've been banging her ever since, but I don't know her name.

Franco: Damn. How're you pulling that off?

Tommy: Well, it's like a late night booty-call. Not a lot of conversation, you know?

Franco: Yeah, those are the best.

Tommy: Well, I gotta come up with a name soon, man.

Franco: Yeah. You know what? You could do that thing where you introduce her to somebody. You say the other person's name but not hers, and then she has to say "Hi, I'm..." Fill in the blank.

Tommy: Never gonna work.

Franco: Why not?

Tommy: Because I never take this chick out in public.

Franco: Ah, yeah.

Tommy: See?

Franco: Yeah, you got yourself a real goddamn dilemma there.

Tommy: Yeah, broads. It's not enough that you're bangin' 'em like crazy, now you gotta know their names.

Lou: Wait a minute, you passed on a three way? Was she hot?

Mike: Way hot.

Lou: What're you nuts?

Mike: Lou, I would have to had sex in front of another guy.

Lou: So block him out.

Mike: But what if I get hit with friendly fire?

Lou: Well, make sure you're done first and then get the hell out of the way. Jesus, it's true what they say: Three-ways, like youth, are wasted on the young.

Franco: [On the phone, Franco is in a club with two girls by him] So, it's, uh, it's Nancy or Lauren, huh? I don't know, man, she didn't look like a Nancy to me. I'd go with Lauren.

Tommy: I kinda secretly was hoping she was a Nancy.

Franco: Why's that?

Tommy: 'Cause Nancy's give better head.

Franco: Oh, you've researched that?

Tommy: Uh, basing it on the two Nancy's that I've known.

Franco: So, uh, you been with a Lauren?

Tommy: Uh, one.

Franco: Oh, yeah? And the head was uh...

Tommy: Look, there's no such thing as bad head, it's just a matter of degrees.

Franco: Yeah, agreed. [to the girls next to him] Uh, girls what're you're names?

Heather: Heather.

Brittney: Brittney.

Franco: [to Tommy] What about Heather and Brittney? Where do those two names fall on the chart?

Tommy: Heather and Brittney I'd say... top 3.

Franco: Oh, yeah. It's my night.

Orphans [1.05]

[Tommy has just read an "anonymous" poem]

Franco: Holy shit.

Sean: Wow.

Lou: Powerful.

Tommy: Yeah, powerfully bad. It sucks.

Lou: I don't know, it's not that bad. It rhymes.

Tommy: Well, so what? My ten-year-old can make stuff rhyme, it doesn't mean he's the next, uh... [to Franco] Name a poet.

Sean: Angie Dickinson.

Tommy: Angie Dickinson from Police Woman?

Franco: Nah, I think you mean Emily Dickinson, The Belle of Amherst.

Sean: Right.

Tommy: You know poetry?

Franco: Nah, I jacked off to a picture of her once when I was 11.

Tommy: By the way, in the future, when you have something you wrote and you want me to read it, just bring it to me. I'll sit down, I'll read it, I'll digest it and I'll give you the most honest assessment that I can.

Lou: You'd do that?

Tommy: For you?

Lou: Yeah.

Tommy: No.

Franco: You don't do that, Sean. You don't bang a guy's girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, or his sister without his permission. And I mean crystal-goddamn-clear permission.

Sean: You haven't even spoken to her, in like, five years.

Franco: Guys?

Tommy: You broke the rules.

Lou: Big time.

Sean: Wh--? Ho-- How? Explain to me how. [Lou interrupts him] Let me finish my -- [Lou interrupts him again] Can I at least-- [Lou interrupts him]

Tommy: Look, you run into a guy's ex-girlfriend in a bar and feel her up.

Lou: Yes.

Tommy: You can be in a bar, meet a guy's ex-wife, and...

Lou: [makes circular gestures on his chest] Titty action.

Tommy: A little bit of titty action. You can even grab guy's sister's ass in a bar that the guy actually happens to be in.

Lou: Yes, you could.

Tommy: And it's all explainable under the giant umbrella of the huge, 'Sorry-I-Was-Drunk' rule.

Lou: Like Visa and Mastercard, accepted the world over and never argued.

Tommy: Never argued. Which was why the rule was created by the way, by the... Romans?

Lou: Ah, even earlier than that, my friend: the Druids.

Sean: Listen, Franco didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Lou: He just doesn't get it.

Tommy: [counting on his fingers]: Look, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, sister, half-sister: [sweeps his hands] No pussy!

Tommy: [to Janet, about Colleen] Did you even know she was going to the city with the Murphy Kid that night, let alone joyriding around Manhattan with him? And I'll bet my left nut that that kid's on drugs. Did you hear what I said? I said my left nut, which just happens to be my favorite nut.

Guy: Are you Tommy Gavin?

Tommy: Yeah, who's askin'?

Guy: We're Roger's friends.

Tommy: Well, that's your problem, not mine. [the three guys form a circle around him] What? What are you guys gonna do? Audit me? [they beat him up]

Revenge [1.06]

Lou: How many were there?

Tommy: Three. They got me outside the bar.

Lou: Did they do any damage?

Tommy: Come on. They work on Wall Street the worst they can give me is a paper cut.

Tommy: I'll take the high road.

Lou: Huh. You?

Tommy: Okay, maybe not the high road but certainly not the lowest road.

Lou: Which is where you normally travel.

Tommy: Hey, you kiddin' me? I drew up the original maps.

[After they bet Sean that he couldn't get to first base and he did with a transvestite, although he doesn't know that she is one]

Tommy: Well, the thing is uh, we uh... We wanna go double or nothin'.

Chief Reilly: Oh, god.

Sean: Wait, wait, wait. What's the bet?

Tommy: 80 bucks says you can't close the deal by the weekend.

Sean: What you mean sleep with her?

Tommy: Full penetration. Before the weekend.

Sean: Yeah, I don't know.

Tommy: Come on. I thought you had game, big shot.

Sean: I do. I got game. I-- I just don't wanna rush it. It's just something about this girl, she's-- she's different.

Chief Reilly: No shit.

Chief Reilly: Oh, God.

Sean: Yeah. It was somethin' that she was doin' with her mouth. I don't know what it was but it was all...wet. [Chief looks like he's gonna puke] What's wrong? Are you okay? [Chief walks towards the bathroom]

Tommy: He had a bad sandwich this afternoon.

[Telling the Chief how he found out that the girl he was seeing is a transvestite, he found out when he was getting a blow job]'

Chief Reilly: Man, you must have freaked out.

Sean: Yeah, yeah. It was pretty weird but I didn't want to make a big scene so once he was through I told him---

Chief Reilly: Wait, hold on a second. After he was through? You mean you let him finish the knob job?

Sean: Well, the guy was givin' me a blow-job, Chief. I didn't wanna be rude.

Chief Reilly: I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that.

Butterfly [1.07]

[Janet is drunk and kisses Tommy]

Tommy: And what are we doing?

Janet: We're gonna go upstairs.

Tommy: Oh, we are?

Janet: Mm hmm.

Tommy: Okay. Now, not that I don't wanna go upstairs, but okay, where are we going with this?

Janet: What, you don't want me?

Tommy: No, that's not what I said. I did not say that. What --

Janet: Tommy, we were always at our best [kisses him] when we were in bed. A million problems everywhere else, but in bed... [kisses him] Come on.

Tommy: Alright.

Tommy: What're you ladies talking about?

Franco: The firefighter calender. I'm doing it again this year.

Sean: Yeah, he gets to choose his own month.

Tommy: Great.

Mike: So what month are you going for?

Sean: I'd try for February. Work that whole Valentine's Day thing.

Franco: Nah, common mistake. Shortest month of the year.

Mike: So, what's a good month?

Franco: Well, you definitely don't wanna be December. Nobody pays attention to you until the last 30 days of the year. You wanna be in the first four or five months to maximize booty potential. I'm thinkin' April, May, in there, you know? It's spring. Winter clothes are comin' off. Chicks are thinkin' about gettin' laid.

Mike: Yeah? Interesting.

Franco: Yeah, it's a science, and I'm the mad scientist.

Lou: Two grand for a porch?

Franco: Last one we did, we got what, 600 bucks?

Chief: Who is this guy? The king of chumps?

Tommy: Nah, some shrink, you know? I figure we get Charlie Walsh's cousin to give us the lumber for what, 300 bones? And we'll divide the rest up. You in?

Lou: Yeah, for that kind of money, I might show up in a tux.

Tommy: Franco?

Franco: In.

Mike: I'll do it.

Tommy: Let me tell you something kid: First time doing a porch job, you work for free.

Lou: Let me clarify further. Not only do you not get paid, you generally do all the work while we sit around drinking beer and shooting the shit.

Tommy: And you gotta buy the beer.

Franco: Yeah, a couple of those suitcase things. MGD is good.

Mike: Guys, I just remembered... I'm busy.

Tommy: Yeah, you're busy helping us queer-bait.

Janet: Tommy, nothing's changed.

Tommy: I didn't come over to you last night, you came lookin' for-- and now you're going to tell me that it shouldn't have happened?

Janet: I was drunk, I was frustrated. I'm tired of being alone.

Tommy: You're not alone, okay? I live across the street. Which you gladly took advantage of last night.

Janet: But you don't understand. I need something more-- something that I can't get from you. [Tommy makes a face] Yes, the sex was great. But the sex is always great with us, Tommy. We've never had a problem connecting on a physical level, but an emotional level--

Tommy: Oh, Jesus Christ. I knew that was what you were going to say!

Janet: Hey, I can't do this anymore, I'm tired of being this lonely.

Tommy: You know what? You're nuts, you should see a shrink because you are--

Janet: I am sorry.

Tommy: You're sorry? Bullshit. You come over my house. You lure me into bed, you bang me, you get my hopes up and now you're sorry?

Janet: I wanted to see if it still worked.

Tommy: If what worked? My dick?

Lou: Hey, I went with Dwight the other night to the city, we caught a show and afterwards I look into this bar and who do I see? Our very own little probie making out with some broad to beat the band.

Tommy: So...?

Lou: So... this chick is old enough to be his mother.

Franco: Oh god, I just caught a chill.

Tommy: How old?

Lou: I don't know, I didn't have time to cut her in half and count the rings but she's pretty old, I mean for him. I'm guessin' late 40's.

Sean: Wow, really?

Lou: Yeah. [Mike walks up] Hey, speak of the devil. Hey, kid, your ears burning?

Mike: Huh?

Tommy: Hey, are you bangin' some old broad?

Lou: And if you are, a word of caution: A broken hip takes a very long time to heal.

Mike: Hey, she's not that old. She's only 46.

Sean: Well, that's nothin' in dog years.

Franco: Yeah, which probably applies to her.

Inches [1.08]

Chief Reilly: What're you guys talking about?

Sean: Nothing.

Lou: Eight and a smidgen of what?

Mike: Well, last night I was watchin' TV and there was nothin' on really so I---

Sean: Cut to the chase.

Mike: And I got a hard-on and I was lookin' at it and I was thinkin' about jerkin' off and--

Sean: Would you cut to the chase?

Mike: Well, there was a ruler on the table and I kinda --

Sean: He measured his cock.

Chief Reilly: You measured your cock?

Lou: And it was eight inches?

Mike: Well, mine was seven and a half... almost. His was eight.

Sean: Well, eight and a titch.

Franco: I was readin' FHM yesterday and they said that the average cock is like six inches long.

Mike: Yeah we're huge! [slaps Sean's hand]

Sean: Huge.

Chief: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you two ponies start swingin' your johnson's around, answer one question for me. Did you measure from the top or bottom?

Tommy: Ooh. A little fly in the ointment.

Chief: Did you go from the under carriage, from the ball-sac to the tip?

[Mike and Sean exchange looks]

Sean: Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Chief Reilly: Well then you might as well have been measuring from the base of your spine because everybody gets at least an inch going the other way. You gotta go from the pubic bone to the tip.

Mike: Ah, no way, that means I'm only like 6 1/2.

Chief Reilly: Almost.

Mike: Shit.

Sean: I don't know if you're right about that, Chief.

Chief Reilly: Been there, done this, boys. I got twenty that starts the "biggest dick in the crew" contest. Who wants in?

Mike: You gonna measure yours?

Chief Reilly: I haven't seen my feet in ten years let alone my dick.

Tommy: Chief, I got a question.

Chief Reilly: And I think I know what that question is Firefighter Gavin.

Tommy: Really?

Chief: Girth?

Tommy: Ha. Exactly.

Sean: Wait. What? Girth.

Tommy: Circumference, asshole.

Lou: That's gonna be a completely different story. I'm gonna double the wager.

Sean: Well, you know uh, Chief. I really don't think this whole measuring from the top thing is really right, I mean who invented that? I mean you lose and inch, it's not really fair.

Chief Reilly: From the pubic bone to the tip. 'Cause that's all that enters the vagina. From the pubic bone, out to the tip. Done. [Sean makes a weird face] What?

Sean: Nothing. I-- just that I would never hear you say the word "vagina."

Chief Reilly: Vagina.

Sean: Stop.

Chief Reilly: Va-gina.

Sean: Come on, Chief. Stop.

Uncle Teddy: [to the monkey] You filthy little son of a bitch. You keep screamin' and I'll stick a banana right up your ass.

Alarm [1.09]

Chief Reilly: Look, guys I wanted to get you together because we have a situation that's arisin...arosen. It's pretty important.

Sean: It's arisen.

Chief Reilly: Shut up. [to Lou] Is he right?

Lou: Amazingly, yes. How?

Sean: I've been bangin' this chick who plays alotta Scrabble. Hey, did you know that Q-A-T is a word?

Chief Reilly: Shut up.

Sean: I swear.

Chief Reilly: I said shut up.

Sean: Alright.

Tommy: [about Colleen] I'm not exactly over here doin' a jig because she turned into a lezbo.

Janet: Hey, Tom. She is not a lesbian.

Tommy: She has a girlfriend.

Janet: She's 15 years old. She's only had one boyfriend. When she's had to deal with 5 or 6 guys, then I can see her going gay.

Immortal [1.10]

Laura: I know you guys are talkin' about my tits and my ass. Just in case you are wondering, I'm a 34-C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top-hats when aroused. My ass is tight as a snare drum but still soft to the touch. Any more questions?

Tommy: Wow. [Laura puts Tommy's sandwich on the table]

Sean: Yeah. Can I get one of those? [points to the sandwich]

Laura: No. [leaves]

Tommy: Did she just say top-hats?

Franco: I believe she did.

Lou: I've always been a big fan of formal wear.

[Tommy is pulled over for speeding through a downtown intersection]

Tommy: Hey, how you doing? Hey, Collins man!

Collins: You better have a good excuse, Gavin.

Tommy: Oh, you know what man, I got a phone call...

Collins: That was some dare-devil shit back there.

Tommy: I know, I know. I got a phone call about twenty minutes ago. My mom had a heart attack and I got to get to a hospital.

Collins: Bullshit.

Tommy: No bro, I'm serious!

Collins: Give me your license and reg... All right, the honeymoon's over Gavin, all right? So tell all your friends and all that hero worship you got after 9/11 ain't getting paid any dues anymore. We lost guys downtown too, but nobody even talks about us. 343 firemen. There was almost 100 cops!

Tommy: That's true. Nobody's forgetting about the cops.

Collins: Guess what? You so much as look at a cop the wrong way and you're paying the price. All right, asshole?

Tommy: You know this is going to come back to bite you in the ass. We got a big hockey game coming up again. A rematch-- in what, like a week?

Collins: Yeah, I'm real concerned about payback. Yeah, I hope your ma don't die while I'm writing you up, either. Have a nice day.

Tommy: [whispers] Shithead.

Franco: Two fags in a tree.

Lou: It's a tree-some!

Uncle Teddy: Where's Elvis?

Tommy: What?

Uncle Teddy: Isn't this heaven?

Tommy: No, it's my garage.

Uncle Teddy: Goddamn it! I'm alive. Shit!

[Tommy throws money into the air]

Tommy: I think you asked for what? Four grand? There's about six or seven here.

Janet: Where did you get it, Tom?

Tommy: The harder I work, the luckier I goddamned get.

Mom [1.11]

Tommy: [to Laura] Let me tell you something, sister, you serve two purposes in this house-- you can give me a blow job or make me a sandwich. I'm not in the mood for head and I had a late breakfast, so you're shit out of luck.

Franco: I'm tellin' ya brother. Havin' your picture in this calendar is like having a license to mint pussy.

Lou: "Mint pussy." May be one of the worst Ben & Jerry flavors of all time.

Tommy: [About Sean's picture in the Fireman's calendar] You look like the Marlboro Man.

Sean: Really?

Tommy: Yeah. If the Marlboro Man smoked cock instead of cigarettes.

Tommy: Did you go outside like that?

Uncle Teddy: Like what?

Tommy: Like that. With your joint hangin' out.

Uncle Teddy: Hey, you got issues with the human body, that's your problem. That's your shame-based religious upbringing rearing its ugly head.

Tommy: Speakin' of ugly heads.

Uncle Teddy: Don't lay your issues on me. I got no problem being naked.

Tommy: Oh, yeah? Why don't you go upstairs and look in the mirror? I think there's more than one problem goin' on down there.

[After they found out they were cheating on each other]

Lou: Are you gonna stop seein' him?

Phyllis: Are you gonna stop seein' her?

Lou: Who is this guy?

Phyllis: Who's the girl?

Lou: Do I know 'em?

Phyllis: Do I know her?

Lou: You know what? Maybe, maybe we shouldn't be asking questions right now.

Phyllis: Maybe not.

Lou: You know what? Lemme just say this, okay? If you told me, what you told me and I didn't have somethin' goin' on the side, I would have been so goddamn pissed you wouldn't even believe.

Phyllis: Well, you know, I'd be pissed too.

Leaving [1.12]

[Tommy's kitchen is a total mess]

Uncle Teddy: Hey, Tom. I made chili.

Tommy: Yeah, no shit. What did 'ya do, mix it with a goddamn shotgun?

[Shelia wants to tell something to Tommy but she won't tell him over the phone]

Tommy: It's gonna drive me crazy, not that you don't have a lock on that particular skill, right now.

Shelia: Why do you have to be such an asshole?

Tommy: Practice.

[A guy was impaled by a tree branch from a rooftop garden]

Lou: Maybe we should uh, go up and talk to the tree. I mean, it looks like an accident but you never know.

Tommy: Well, there might be a couple of scrubs up there that saw somethin'. I say we go up, uproot the whole goddamn garden and bring it in for questioning.

Lou: You know, just 'cause it's vegetation it thinks it can get away with this shit.

Tommy: Shameful.

Lou: It really is.

Tommy: [to Janet, who wants more money] Yeah, lemme pull down my pants and grab the money that's growin' outta my ass.

Sanctuary [1.13]

[The whole crew is looking at the NYC skyline]

Sean: It's a nice view, huh?

Tommy: Yeah. It'll never be the same for me.

Franco: Yeah, me either.

Laura: Even when they put up whatever it is that they're puttin' up.

Franco: It's like they're tryin' to erase what happened. You know?

Chief Reilly: It's insulting. Remember when they had those spotlights right after 9/11? I couldn't take that. I like it like this... empty. Just the way those scumbags left it. No spotlights, no new buildings, just empty.

Tommy: Yeah. That's the thing about the spotlight, you know. Walk out into it and at first everybody thinks they see a good-lookin' all-American hero. But then you stay out there long enough and you know, they start to notice certain things. Maybe your nose is a little crooked, you know, maybe your teeth are too crooked. Maybe you got a little scar on your upper lip. Your hair's not right. One eye's bigger than the other. Next thing 'ya know they think they're lookin' at some kinda goddamn monster. Like they're lookin' at King Kong. Then they start throwin' shit at 'ya.

Lou: Well, I'll tell ya one thing. That morning they threw a couple a jets into a couple a buildings. And they threw at us the biggest job in the history of our profession. And what do we do? We gave up 343 of our guys to save... at least 10,000.

Tommy: Yeah. And look at us now: Three years later and still waitin' for a goddamn raise. I'll tell 'ya what guys, we were on our own that morning and we're still on our own today.

[After Mickey told Franco that Tommy was seeing Shelia]

Tommy: [to Mickey, in confession] Bless me father for I have sinned, and so have you. [he grabs him and starts beating him up]

[Sean is dating a girl who's a really bad kisser]

Chief Reilly: Now, you're talkin' about bad kissin'. Are you talkin' about too much saliva bad kissin'? Or using your tongue like an iguana eatin' a fly bad kissin'? [Sean and Franco give him a look] Hey, I used to be a player.

Franco: That was disturbing, Chief.

Sean: Yeah. And disgusting.

Chief Reilly: You shoulda saw the chick that I did it with.

Voicemail [2.01]

Franco: What's with the camera?

Laura: Oh, my folks wanted to see where I worked. So I, uh, you know, I thought I'd send them a couple pictures give them an idea of what it looks like.

Sean: Oh, yeah? You gonna take any pictures of us?

Laura: I don't wanna scare them.

Franco: Hey, Laura. Can you do me a favor?

Laura: If it involves any part of your body, no.

Chief Reilly: Broads.

Lou: Crazy broads.

Chief Reilly: [sees Laura] Speaking of which. [to Laura] Banker's hours, sweetheart?

Laura: Sorry, darling.

Chief Reilly: Excuse me?

Laura: From now on, you call me names, you're getting them right back.

Chief Reilly: Don't push it, dollface.

Laura: Okay. Love-lum. [walks into the house]

Chief Reilly: Love-lum?

Lou: I've used it.

[Lou catches Tommy sitting outside the house in his truck]

Tommy: I got this new girlfriend, and uh, she's really into antiques. Uh, and I remember that antiques shop up here and I went over to look at---

Lou: [interrupting] Who the hell do you think you're talking to asshole? I've helped you concoct some of the most bullshit cover stories---

Tommy: [talking over Lou] This is not a concoction, okay?

Lou: ---Under the worst possible pressure situations okay?

Tommy: I have a new girlfriend, okay?

Lou: [mocking] Antiques, and my new girlfriend. Why don't you kiss my goddamn giant Irish pisshole? I've seen you out here in your truck 10, 20, times in the last three months. I figure you must to desperate to know what's going on so I figured I come out here and fill you in.

Tommy: [About a woman who's reportedly trapped on the third floor, after the newspaper called the FDNY racist] Is she black?

Chief Reilly: I guess so. Given the neighborhood I guess. Why?

Tommy: Well, we're racists. Just think how much easier it would be if we only had to save the white people.

Sean: [laughs] Or even, you know, models.

Tommy: There you go.

Harmony [2.02]

Sheila: [in baby talk] The diddle baby wants his big Daddy to bring some more soupy. Do you think that big Daddy can bring some more soupy-woupy?

Tommy: That had better be the baby talking because if it's you, big Daddy's gonna come home and punch you right in the neck.

Sean: [about his date] She said if I can find her friend a date we can move on to the next stage.

Mike: What's the next stage?

Sean: The blow job stage.

Mike: I like that stage.

Sean: Yeah, it's the best stage.

[Franco puts the "moves" on Laura]

Laura: Can I tell you how this is gonna go?

Franco: Yeah, please. I love a woman who takes control.

Laura: You're really cute, and really funny, and make great faces, until I sleep with you which I eventually will because you're a tall stud and I'm as unlaid as a pile of bricks.

Franco: Sounds good so far.

Laura: But then I'll want more out of the relationship eventually, you know, me being the woman and all and I'm so goddamn good in the sack you will actually try and commit for the first time in your life. You'll change for me Franco. But then you'll resent me and I'll resent you for resenting me. Pretty soon we won't even stand being in the same room together let alone forcing our body parts to intersect. But we have to be in the same room because we work together. So unless one of us dies in a fire or moves away or kills the other. We'll be forced to remember the bloody horrific train wreck of a relationship that we had that started with your hand on my coat. But it's your move, stud.

Franco: [pause] I'll see you tomorrow.

Laura: Smart man.

Lou: [to Chief Reilly, who has had his face scratched in his sleep by his wife who has Alzheimer's] Next time you try banging the cat, put little booties over its paws so it can't scratch. That's what I do.

Tommy: It's not like you need me around here anyways. The biggest call we got in the last three weeks was that old lady reporting a gas leak. Ended up she was the leakee.

...

Tommy: I'm gonna go upstairs, and leave you three guys alone so you can blow each other.

Balls [2.03]

Laura: You call me "honey" one more time and I'm going to kick your nuts through the top of your head.

Franco: [After sex] Alright, so what does this mean?

Laura: This meaning... [makes a motion to them with her fingers] This?

Franco: Yeah. What does this mean?

Laura: [laughs] Oh, come on. You did not just ask me that. I'm just the girl here.

Franco: Hey, well I wanna get things clear. We work together, things could get messy.

Laura: Okay, let me do the math for you. [points to herself] Drunk and horny. [points to Franco] Perpetually horny.

Franco: Yeah.

Laura: Equals out [looks at her watch] 34 minutes of extremely hot, but meaningless sex. So do you want to discuss this more? [pulls one foot above her head] Or do you want to go for the full hour?

Franco: Talking is way overrated, I'm sorry. [kisses her]

John Sr.: Hey, it's not about the money, Tommy.

Tommy: Well, then what's it about? Go ahead Dad and enlighten me.

John Sr.: It's about the sex.

Tommy: Oh, Christ.

John Sr.: Now, let me tell you something my cock still functions and this broad thinks I'm funny and I get to bang her for free.

Lou: [after rescuing Sully, who's dressed in female fetish clothing] All the angels and saints.

Franco: Holy shit.

Mike: Is that Sully? [Sean checks, sees that it is, and jumps up and away from him instantly]

Chief Reilly: Blessed screaming Jesus on a whole wheat goddamn cracker.

Sean: Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.

Sully: Wait, guys let me explain.

Lou: Go ahead, man. We're all ears.

Sully: [laughs] Oh, who am I kiddin', right? I like to dress up like a chick, okay? I like to wear panties and high heels and... rough sex.

Tommy: This is the big emergency that you had me come over and help you with?

Sheila: Yeah. An emotional emergency.

Tommy: Do me a favor: Next time call the hormone hot line.

[Paulie beeps the horn from in the truck]

Sheila: Hey, retard! I got neighbors.

Paulie: Sorry!

Tommy: [to Sheila] He really is retarded.

Sheila: Really?

Tommy: Yeah.

Sheila: [to Paulie] Sorry!

Paulie: What?

Tommy: Shut up! [to Sheila] You know, I have to go to work, I have to drop him off blah blah blah.

Sheila: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I an inconvenience to you? Oh, yeah. I must be a big fat inconvenience to you. [Tommy starts walking towards his truck] Right? Unless of course you've got no place to go or you're lonely or you're looking for some place to park your cock.

Tommy: Talk to you later.

Sheila: Oh that's perfect. There's a picture I can't get enough of. You walking away. Hey, you have no responsibility here, too bad you're not married, you don't have to handle it right? You big pussy! [starts crying and Tommy starts his truck]

Tommy: You got a girlfriend, Paulie? [Paulie shakes his head] I think I'm the retarded one.

Twat (aka &#!&) [2.04]

Mickey: I used to hear voices the first two months I was sober. Sometimes I thought, you know, it was like God; sometimes it was Satan.

Tommy: Two months?

Mickey: Yep. God was tellin' me I was a worthless piece of shit, Satan's tellin' me I'm God's gift.

Tommy: What did God sound like?

Mickey: Tom Hanks.

Tommy: Figures.

Mickey: Satan was a doubleheader: one minute, he's like Jack Nicholson; the next, you know, like Hillary.

Franco: [to Laura] The point is this we all use every ethnic and personal slogan in the book against each other. You name it we say it.

Tommy: It's true. Cock-breath.

Franco: Shithead.

Sean: Asswipe.

Mike: Numb nuts.

Tommy: Ball brains.

Franco: Shit for brains.

Sean: Dipshit.

Mike: Pussy.

Tommy: Prick.

Franco: Dick.

Sean: Scumbag.

Tommy: Dick face.

Franco: Ape ass.

Mike: Ape face.

Tommy: Pencil dick, tight ass, needle dick.

Franco: Yeah. And that's not even getting into any of the gay stuff.

Sean: Laura, we call each other names all the time it's like, you know, what do you call it?

Mike: Name calling?

Sean: No, it's like ball busting but more-- more--

Tommy: Camaraderie.

Sean: No... no.

Franco: It's part of being on the team, you know, you joke around. You jive, you cut.

Laura: I never sit around with my girlfriends and call them a twat. I was on the basketball team in high school. I was on the girl's softball team in college and I never called any of those women a twat. You know why? Because every woman I've ever met finds that word offensive. Not as offensive as the other word but in a race you know, they're like neck and neck.

Tommy: Yeah, but now you work in a job with men. A highly-populated job by men, so now you gotta cut the men you work with a little slack.

Mike: I thought the word that women hated most was the "C" word.

Sean: Yeah. I thought they invented "twat" so no one would ever have to say the other word ever again.

Laura: I think men invented both and never bothered to check with women about either.

Chief Reilly: [about Laura] Franco, you're not messin' around with her are you?

Franco: What're you nuts? She's not even my type.

Chief Reilly: Franco, she's got two tits, a pussy and she's breathin'.

Franco: Okay, so my taste in women has a wide set of parameters.

Johnny: [On the phone] Oh, let me get this straight, you quit drinking but you're going around beatin' up cops? The city was safer when you were a drunk.

Tommy: Yeah. Blow me.

Sensitivity [2.05]

Don Kleinman: Okay, you think you're prejudiced?

Tommy: Yep.

Don Kleinman: Against who?

Tommy: Chevy Neons that cost 12 grand to buy but have 8,000 dollar paint jobs and have 9 Spicks inside of them smokin' weed. That's one thing.

Don Kleinman: Now the term Spick--

Franco: It's okay, I'm a Spick.

Don Kleinman: Well, see that's not really th---

Tommy: Crazy chink broads that really don't know how to drive in the first place but now they have cell phones stuck to their ears while their doin' 65 MPH down 5th Avenue, huh, right? Crazy chinks on bikes who have 10 pounds of Chinese food strapped to the handle bars.

Franco: You see, that's another thing. Puerto Ricans even get shafted when it comes to racial slurs. Chinks have what, like four? We have one-- Spick. That's it. The Irish they got, mick, patty, donkey. The Italians they got guinea, wop, dago.

Sean: Yeah, and spaghetti-bender.

Franco: Ah, spaghetti-bender went out of style during Sinatra's first marriage.

Mike: Greaseball.

Franco: Yeah, greaseball. There you have it; that's four.

Tommy: Yeah, and the same thing with the Jews, right? Heeb, kike, Jew boy, Benny.

Franco: Shylock.

Tommy: That's five.

Franco: Black people, forget about it. Spear-Chucker, jungle bunny, raisin head, porch monkeys.

Lou: Spook.

Sean: Tar baby.

Franco: Yeah. It's endless, totally unfair. [Don Kleinman just looks at them, totally mortified] What?

Don Kleinman: [After watching a sensitivity video] Now, what did we learn from that?

Tommy: Uh, that only white people can be racist?

Don Kleinman: That wasn't the point of the video.

Tommy: Well, it's pretty obvious. Where are the black guys callin' white people crackers, huh? Where were the Mexicans shittin' all over the Puerto Ricans? You know? Where were all the chinks who hate the Japs, who hate the Koreans who hate-- [Don trys to interrupt him but Tommy keeps going] This is bullshit. This is just to cover the FDNY's ass, that's all this is good for. Just in case some Puerto Rican woman or some fat Chinese guy files a lawsuit against the FDNY or God help us there's another disgruntled female firefighter who thinks she has a case. The FDNY can say "No, no, no, they can't be prejudice, they took this horseshit sensitivity training." Let me tell you somethin' the next time I run into a burning building and refuse to bring out anybody who's not the same color as me, then that's when you can bring my angry, pink, sober, Irish, ass back down here. Got it?

Johnny: Are you outta your mind, huh? Did mom know?

John Sr.: If your mother knew we wouldn't be having this conversation because I'd be dead somewhere in some river with my balls in my mouth. [mocking Johnny] "Did mom know?"

Tommy: You know the guy's almost the same age as me, right? He's like a couple weeks younger. I mean how long were you seein' this broad?

John Sr.: Uh... oh, about 36 years.

Johnny: What? You were having an affair for 36 years?

John Sr.: What can I tell you? When it comes to adultery I'm a one woman man.

Lou: Hey kid, my dreams are all filled up with Candice Bergen, a chocolate wheelchair and the Olsen Twins.

Chief Reilly: I've had the same dream. Except its Carly Simon and a big tub of chunky peanut butter.

Tommy: Why chunky?

Chief Reilly: Better traction.

Reunion [2.06]

Colleen: I am never getting married and I am never getting pregnant.

Tommy: Well you just made your dad a very happy man, sweetheart.

Johnny: Tommy, when you're in jail in some hick town, and you're taking it up the ass from Otis the drunk, don't call me. Don't call me, you'll be on your own, bro.

Tommy: No I won't. I'll have Otis.

Mike: [about his tall girlfriend] Well, you never met her how do you know she's gigantic?

Lou: Well, I was on my way to work and I saw her swatting planes away from The Empire State Building.

Johnny: So, you're not in jail yet?

Tommy: No. Why would I be in jail? Except for maybe killing you, which I would right now, except it would interupt my smoke.

Shame [2.07]

Tommy: Steak and ice cream?

Uncle Teddy: It's my latest invention, beef-stash-eo. I called the people at Ben & Jerry's but they said "no." Some people have no vision.

[Sean quietly sits down beside Lou]

Lou: What?

Sean: Well, it's my cock.

Lou: Oh, forget I asked.

Sean: It's like my dick is some sort of weapon of mass destruction.

Lou: Okay, first of all. Your dick is not a weapon of mass destruction because if it were I would be in complete awe of you, which I am not. But there are really two issues here Sean. The first pertains to the fact that you have a tiny fragment of brain matter lodged somewhere in your skull. No offense.

Sean: None taken.

Lou: Second is your dating pool. Which in my opinion, should be drained, filled in, and black topped over. Maybe even a playground for poor kids built on top.

Lou: Now, the only problem is that she wants to see me out with my imaginary girlfriend. I'm done for.

Tommy: Nah, not necessarily. Situations like this, this is why God invented whores.

Tommy: What, are you drinking all day now?

John Sr.: I'm 82. I'm retired, and I'm married to a new and much younger woman who's not only rich but likes to bang my brains out at least 3 times a week. So I'm not drinking kid. I'm in a perpetual toast.

Believe [2.08]

Tommy: [on the phone] Hey, you backstabbin' son of a bitch.

Johnny: Oh, hey, Tom.

Tommy: You're supposed to be my brother, asshole.

Johnny: I am your brother. I was just tryin' to do you a favor.

Tommy: By helpin' Janet take my kids again? That's supposed to be doin' me a favor? How's that work?

Johnny: Tommy, if you would just listen to her.

Tommy: You know what, Johnny? You're dead to me. You're dead to me. You got that?

Janet: I don't wanna go to court.

Tommy: You try takin' these kids away from me again--

Janet: I don't wanna take them again. You know this whole thing? I didn't get angry, I got sad. My whole head went back to when we first met... Our wedding, how funny you were, Colleen being born. Those Beatles songs that you used to sing to her to make her fall asleep. Those sweet little horse-clown pictures that you used to draw for Katy. (Janet starts crying) You know Tommy, I couldn't even move for almost a day, and then I couldn't stop crying. I need my kids. But at least three or four times a day when I had them Connor and Katy would look at me and ask where you were. "Is Daddy coming for the weekend?" "Is Daddy coming for Christmas." "Where's Daddy now?" "Is Daddy dead, you would tell us if Daddy died, right mom?" I was in a hospital for a couple of weeks. But I uh got some counseling. And I got back up on my feet. The thing is while I was there, I got my head straightened out enough that I got a little perspective. I think for the sake of the kids, and from what we used to be like, before Jimmy died. I think we oughta give it one last go.

Tommy: One last go? That's a hell of a way to jump start a relationship.

Janet: Until death do us part, right?

Tommy: Right.

Sean: [after a river rescue] Oh, Jesus, my skin smells like it's rotting.

Lou: Yeah, why don't you bottle that and call it "essence of ass."

[They are outside the Chief's house at his party, looking inside at all the gay guys]

Lou: Probie, get in there and get us some booze.

Mike: Why me?

Tommy: Because you can probably slip under the gaydar.

Mike: Me? What about Sean?

Tommy: If we were to have the gayest lookin' guy in the crew contest, you win, hands down.

Lou: Or pants down as the case may be.

Sean: What does that mean? He has better hair than me? Better body? Better what?

Tommy: You're really not asking me that question right now are ya?

[Sean is a little drunk]

Mike: Hey, man, straighten up. There two hot chicks in a party full of gay guys. It's like catching fish in a barrel.

Sean: [pauses] It's shooting fish.

Mike: What?

Sean: It's shooting fish in a barrel. That's the expression, you dumbass.

Mike: Yeah but if they're in the barrel, why would you shoot 'em? Why wouldn't you just reach in with your hands and pull one out?

Rebirth [2.09]

Lou: [about Janet] She's either the world's greatest actress or she's on drugs.

Tommy: What I can't be funny?

Lou: Not to her. Not in years. Unless of course it's a brain tumor. But you wanna know somethin' with all the shit that's gone down between the two of ya in the last five years let alone for her to be laughin' at your jokes, it's gotta be a tumor the size of a goddamn grapefruit.

Tommy: I don't think it's a tumor, okay?

Lou: Well, then we have option number three.

Tommy: Which is what?

Lou: Goof balls.

Tommy: Goof balls?

Lou: Pills. They have pills for everything now. Stop smoking, pay attention, blah blah blah. I bet my right nut that she's one of those brand new, I hate my husband, I hate my life, my vagina hurts, please just take it all away that kinda thing. Take two a day and not only is your asshole husband funny but you might wanna bang his lying, deceitful, cheatin' little brains out. No offense, Tommy.

Tommy: None taken.

Franco: It's not a thingy, Sean! It's a step. And you're supposed to make amends for your own personal bullshit not mine! Tellin' Laura I was bangin' the nurse, that's one thing. Tellin' the whole crew that I was bangin' Laura, Sean, that's like a whole new level of retardation. That is like the special Olympics of substance abuse.

Sean: Well, I was drunk.

Tommy: [Franco wants to write Laura a poem] No, no, listen to me, listen to me. I don't care who we're talkin' about-- young chick, old chick, in-between chick, Cindy Crawford on her best damn day-- they all think their ass is fat, okay? We love the ass. We all think the ass is like a festival of fun. It's a place to go, chock-full of stuff we can to do, but to them, the ass is death. Gravity and death and hard goddamn times. Stay away from the ass, okay? Go with the tits. Tits, eyelashes, eyes. All right? That's it. [Lou looks at him] What?

Lou: You write a poem about tits, she's gonna rip it up and shove it down your throat. Chicks wanna hear about emotions, they wanna hear about remorse, they wanna hear I'm sorry's up the goddamn ying-yang.

Tommy: So you write a poem that says I'm sorry, blah blah blah. I regret bing bang boom. And then you throw in a "Hey, I like your nice beautiful tits." [Lou stares at him] What?

Lou: Emotions.

Tommy: Tits.

Lou: Remorse.

Tommy: Melons.

Lou: I'm sorry.

Tommy: Gazungas.

Lou: I love you.

Tommy: Double peaches of pleasure.

Lou: Around here, we got the probie, he controls all the homo retard crap, okay? Garrity covers all the stupid retard bullshit. Franco is our pussy man. You control all the drinkin' and the fire hero worship crap. Poetry is my territory, you're musclin' in on my turf.

Tommy: You need to take some kinda chill pill because you're very upset--

Lou: Lemme ask you somethin' else. Where were the tits?

Tommy: Where were the tits?

Lou: All week long in the poem! [mocking him] It's gotta have tits. Gotta love tits. It needs tits, it needs tits. 14 goddamn lines, not one tit.

Tommy: It was implied.

Lou: Oh, it was implied?

Tommy: Yes, in subtext.

Lou: It was subtext. Subtext, my ass. What are you Walt goddamn Whitman all of a sudden? The Tommy Gavin I know would never write that poem. The Tommy Gavin I know would never write that poem to seduce his own piece of ass let alone his buddy's. You wanna know something? This, the fall you just took, the dancing, the singing, the cleaning, the la-la-la, what the hell are you on?

Brains [2.10]

Sean: Hey, maybe I can help.

Chief Reilly: Yeah, and I can grow a vagina.

Sean: You call up and you tell them what kind of service you want, what kind of hours you need and they send over a bunch of nurses.

Chief Reilly: I only need one.

Sean: I know, but that's like the fun of it. They send over a bunch and you choose one. It's like American Idol, you know, except it's nurses instead of singers, and you don't get to call up and vote to see who wins, and Paula Abdul's not there acting like a freak show. Actually it's not like American Idol at all.

Johnny: [to Tommy, on the way to donate blood] You might wanna pick up someone else's blood on the way. Yours is probably still flammable.

Tommy: [After they donated blood] I just feel really light headed. You don't have anymore juice, do ya?

Johnny: You almost fell getting off the table, you pussy.

Tommy: I got up too fast, okay? And you should watch your language in front of the house of God. Back me up on that.

Father Murphy: He's right.

Johnny: Sorry.

Tommy: Yeah, asshole.

Johnny: You give that guy a bad nose job, a ranch with some rides on it and Liz Taylor's home number, you're looking at Michael Jackson my friend.

Tommy: Okay, first of all he's our half brother, okay? So if he's Michael Jackson, you know who that makes us? That makes me Tito and that makes you Jermaine

Johnny: Why do I gotta be Jermaine?

Tommy: Cause I'm Tito.

Bitch [2.11]

[After Tommy just drank orange juice that had pulp in it]

Janet: Since when do you hate pulp?

Tommy: Ever since they started takin' the time to take the goddamn pulp out. Since then, okay?

Janet: Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a thing with the pulp.

Tommy: Yeah. I hate all pulp. I hate orange juice pulp. I hate that stupid British band named Pulp. Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino, what's with that goddamn head by the way. Is that not the biggest head in the history of heads? He turns sideways it's like you're lookin' at a map of the New Jersey coastline. And Kill Bill what a piece of shit. And then there's a Kill Bill 2 what's that about? Jesus Christ.

Janet: Tommy, the kids.

Tommy: Kids, when you grow up don't see either one of the Kill Bill's they both suck, okay?

Franco: Oh, shit. Sean Garrity readin' a book. That's the first sign of the apocalypse.

Chief: [seeing Sean and Mike play Scrabble] Look at this: A meeting of the minds and the minds are a no-show.

Tommy: [looking at the Scrabble board] Hmm. "Tag." "Arm." "It." "Go." That's great guys.

Laura: Why even bother keepin' score?

Mike: [placing tiles on the board] F-E-L-L. Read it and weep.

Sean: Oh, shit. How many points? [Sean and Mike just stare at each other, Mike takes a little time to figure it out]

Mike: Eight.

Franco: I don't know if I can believe you or not, Tom. See the Tommy Gavin I used to know was a lyin', cheatin', schemin', brawlin', skirt-chasin' son of a bitch. I looked up to him. You always knew where he stood, but this new Tommy, this, uh, fancy coffee-drinkin', pastry-eatin', kind, sweet, sincere one, uh-uh, Bro, I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.

Happy [2.12]

Uncle Teddy: You mean to tell me she's leaving 60 million dollars to the goddamn cats?!

Lawyer: And the cancer foundation.

Uncle Teddy: I got cancer.

Tommy: You do?

Lawyer: Cat cancer.

Sean: Hey, I've--I've been thinkin' about your nuts. And I think it's gonna be okay. I mean, look at Lance Armstrong. He turned out really well.

Mike: Yeah, was that before or after he landed on the moon?

Sean: No, Lance Armstrong. The guy who won the Tour de France like 26 times in a row. (Mike is silent) Whoa, holy shit, bro you don't even know what the Tour de France is, do you?

Mike: I want to say wine tasting?

Maggie: I figured you and me we always had a special bond. Backed each other up.

Tommy: I know. I know.

Maggie: I figure the only reason that you like me is because I'm the only person the family hates worse than you.

Tommy: There might be a sliver of truth to that. But you know I love you and Johnny likes you.

Maggie: Oh, don't pump sunshine up my ass Tommy. Johnny is scared shitless of me. Always was.

Michael: I haven't seen you in many, many years. Peggie Sue. I hardly reconized you.

Maggie: You know what? Why do you gotta call me that name? I hate that name. My name's Maggie.

Michael: It's the name your mother and I gave you.

Maggie: I don't care. It's a stupid name. Just because you and mom were a Buddy Holley fan doesn't mean I gotta be stuck with that stupid name for the rest of my life.

Sean: [gasps] You banged my sweet cousin, Angie?

Franco: No.

Sean: Oh, Jesus.

Franco: I banged your sister.

Sean: Missy? Franco she was like 17.

Franco: I know. I waited a year.

Justice [2.13]

Michael: I'm an old man. So they put me in jail. That could be two weeks for all we know.

Uncle Teddy: That could be one week.

Michael: Thanks, asshole.

Uncle Teddy: Look, you're not doing this, if this goes down, I'm the shooter.

Michael: I had first dibs.

Tommy: Did you just say dibs?

Sean: Seriously, this whole Katy thing is freaking me out. I can't shake it.

Lou: So you believe in heaven?

Sean: Of course.

Lou: With people standing around on clouds all day?

Sean: Well, yeah.

Lou: With wings?

Sean: We---I don't know about wings. That seems a little stupid.

Lou: But people standing around all day on water vapor. That's perfectly reasonable?

Sean: Look, all I'm saying is that there is a heaven, okay? I've always believe that. What it is exactly, that's up to each individual person. You know? Like, my heaven, for example, I mean, there's clouds.

Lou: We've established that.

Sean: But there's a lot of downtime, y'know? And you can play video games all day. Oh, and the best part is, if you, like want a Mountain Dew or somethin', you don't have to go and get it and open the can, y'know? You just-- You think it, and then taste just...appears in you mouth, and you're quenched. You know, you're thirst.

Sean: [After talking to Katy] You had to be there, Lou. It was eerie.

Mike: Yeah spooky. Like in horror movies where the little girl's a total freak and kills everyone in the end.

Sean: Yeah, and the way she was talking, uh, and her eyes. She didn't blink the entire time that we were with her.

Mike: She didn't. I was watching.

Lou: You know, guys, she's a little girl. Whose brother just died. She's dealing with it.

Katy: I miss my brother.

Sean: Yeah, I'll bet. But you know what, Katy? You just uh...just gotta remember that you're gonna see him again someday, you know, up in heaven. (Katy is silent, Sean whispers to Mike) You gonna help me out here? Say somethin'. Say somethin'. Say somethin'!

Mike: Um, see, Katy, um where he is right now, there's no pain. He's happy and he, um, doesn't remember anything about the accident. God makes that go away.

Sean: Is that true?

Mike: That's what I heard.

Sean: Wow. Wow. (they turn their attention back to Katy) Listen, Katy, you just gotta remember that Connor's fine and you're gonna see him again.

Katy: No, I won't.

Sean: Yes, you will, sweetie. I promise.

Katy: No, I won't, because there's no heaven.

Mike: Of course there's a heaven, honey.

Katy: Prove it.

[Mike and Sean glance at each other, and whisper]

Sean: You see, y-you just have to...believe.

Johnny: [About Tommy]I hope to Christ he doesn't fall off the wagon.

Uncle Teddy: I wouldn't blame the guy if he drove the wagon right through the liquor store window and drank the entire inventory.

Devil [3.01]

Tommy: Probie, do you know anything about this chick Garrity's been seeing?

Mike: No, he's been pretty tight-lipped about it. I know she's older, though.

Franco: Yeah, how much older?

Mike: Like a lot older-she was watching Monday Night Football the night they announced John Lennon got shot.

Franco: Yeah, that was, like, 1980, right? She couldn't have been, like, five years old.

Mike: She had a bet on the game.

Sheila: I need you to talk to Damian. I found a box of condoms in his room.

Tommy: Look, he’s almost 18 years old. There’s porn all over the internet, okay – hardcore, softcore, midgets blowing sheep. I think he’s probably pretty up to date.

Tommy: Let me get this straight--

Damian: I'm bangin' my science teacher.

Tommy: Mrs. Turbody, she's obviously married.

Damian: No, no actually she's widowed. That's kinda how we connected. You know, the grieving processes, the different stages, blah blah blah.

Tommy: Blah blah blah.

Damian: Yeah, I got that from you.

Tommy: This is some serious stuff. This-- this could scar you for life.

Damian: Yeah. I sure as hell hope so.

Tommy: No. Literally, I mean you could end up being my age and still have the mental images from this-- y'know, in the front of your brain.

[Damian cheers]

Tommy: [trying to convince Damian to stop dating his teacher] Alright, here's the deal. You ever look behind your mom's TV set, where the home entertainment system is and all that stuff is. You ever look behind there?

Damian: Uh, no.

Tommy: Well, if you did, you'd see a whole gaggle of wires back there with connections and stuff-- there's inputs and there's outputs, and-- and it's kinda like your interior pleasure center. Like, your brain is wired directly to your penis, okay? So, you have all these inputs and outputs and if you put the wrong input in the wrong output, next thing y'know your brain is sending the wrong signal to your dick and you can get completely screwed up, okay? So it's okay now when you're 18 years old and you're bangin' a hot 38 year old Mrs. Turbody-- but then you can turn into a 45 year old man-- my age, and then all of a sudden you wanna bang... 70 year old broads, okay? You want that, huh?

Damian: No.

Tommy: You ever seen your grandmother naked?

Damian: Hell no.

Tommy: Well, I'm talkin' about seein' her and wantin' to bang her. You want that?

Janet: [to Tommy, about their dead son] You know the only thing good outta this? Is that I don't have to watch Connor grow up and turn out exactly like you.

Discovery [3.02]

Sheila: Hey, here comes the cake! [sings] Happy birthday...

Michael: Shut your hole! Now, I'm warnin' each and everyone of ya right now, anyone who comes up with that happy birthday bullshit, I'm droppin' my pants and taking a leak on this cake and walking the hell outta here.

Tommy: [After Colleen tells him that she's a born again Christian] So what's the deal with these born again people?

Colleen: Well, it means that I accept Jesus---

Tommy: Yeah, yeah, I know all that. I'm talking about when it comes to [whispers] sex.

Colleen: What?

Tommy: When it comes to y'know [whispers] sex.

Colleen: Oh, um, no sex until marriage.

Tommy: Really? [Colleen nods] Cool I'm in.

Colleen: But wait don't you wanna know about--

Tommy: No, I'm good. One other thing, who's your mom datin'?

Colleen: I can't tell you.

Tommy: I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bible where Jesus says you should honor your father and your mother, and I think Jesus wants you to tell me who your mom is seein'.

Colleen: Dad, when you want information you ask first then you offer the bribe. That's how it works, you did it the wrong way around this time.

Tommy: Duh. I was trying to be nice.

Colleen: And oh, by the way, you're gonna have to gimme another hundred to keep me from tellin' Mom about you gettin' Katy sick.

Tommy: Dream on. I'm not givin' you another dime.

Colleen: Then I'm callin' her right now.

Tommy: Go ahead. See if I care.

[Colleen walks away, Tommy hears her dialing on the phone]

Tommy: Ugh! Alright. And you call yourself a Christian. [hands her the money] Unbelievable.

Tommy: I thought the hot new thing at school was blow jobs?

Colleen: Blow jobs were so last year, c'mon Dad, catch up.

Katy: What's a blow job?

Tommy: Uh, nothin', it's, uh, a hair cut...thing.

Sean: You know, she looks like my mom.

Tommy: What did you say?

Sean: That lady, she, she reminds me of my mom.

Tommy: Shit.

Jerry: Your mom is that hot?

Sean: Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, hotter.

Franco: Really? Your mom has that kind of face? Those lips? That kind of rack?

Sean: Yeah, well, my mom's rack is a little bigger actually.

Tommy: Where do you come off mentioning your mom and the word 'rack' in the same sentence?

Sean: I'm just saying, my mom she's, she's got like a large set of... of uh, you know, she's really...

Tommy: Enough! Jesus Christ!

Sean: What?

Tommy: Goddamnit... I was, I was gonna go over and talk to that chick! Let me correctify that. She's not a chick. In a room full of self-involved, young titless little chicks, she's a woman, okay? A real woman. Probably a very witty and wonderful woman...

Franco: With a great rack.

Tommy: The rack was secondary, okay? It doesn't matter now. But the point being, I can't go over there and talk to her now.

Sean: But why, why not?

Tommy: Because even if I went over to talk to her and got her to come home with me somehow, and got her to reveal the afore-mentioned great rack, all I would be thinking about is your mom's rack, and how great your mom's rack is. Not that I ever thought of your mom's rack before, but that's all I can think of now! Your mom's rack!

Sean: Hey, woah. You know what, my mom's married pal, okay?

[Jerry laughs, and Tommy leaves]

Sean: What?

Franco: Forbidden fruit, ball face.

Sean: You mean, like, melons?

Torture [3.03]

Franco: So, Sean John, you gonna see your new girlfriend tonight?

Sean: Uh... yeah, maybe, I don't know.

Franco: Well, which one is it?

Sean: What?

Tommy: Yeah? Maybe? I don't know? Pick one.

Sean: Yeah, yeah.

Franco: Atta boy, is she good?

Sean: Yeah, yeah, she's doin' good. She's really good.

Franco: Nah, nah, nah, nah. I mean, is she good?

Sean: Uh... that's really, you know, really I'm not so comfortable discussin' that.

Tommy: Since when?

Franco: Yeah, I mean we talk about this shit all the time. It's pretty much all we talk about. Does she like it from the back? Hair pulled? Ass smacked?

Sean: You know what that's a little-- I'm tryin' to be respectful, I respect her-- She's respectable. C'mon, y'know. [pause, all silent]

Tommy: So, what you're sayin' is that you're pretty much all about... respect now?

Sean: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, tryin'. [Sean is really uncomfortable and leaves]

Franco: Jesus, Tom, this is even more fun then you said it would be.

Tommy: Told you.

Franco: Kid's dyin' inside.

Franco: Hey, you talk to T about Maggie yet?

Sean: No. Oh God, no. He seems kinda raw y'know, after the whole Johnny thing.

Franco: He seems fine to me.

Sean: Really?

Franco: Yeah been laughin', bullshittin' like normal.

Sean: Really? He was doing this whole bristling thing the other day, and in the kitchen he just threw me this really weird vibe. It kinda freaked me out.

Franco: He's bristlin'?

Sean: Yeah.

Franco: He knows.

Sean: Oh, shit. Really, ya think?

Franco: Yeah, you said he was bristling, right?

Sean: Yeah, well, I don't know, he coulda been stewing.

Franco: Well, Sean, there's a difference. If he's bristling he defiantly knows. If he's stewing it's up in the air.

Sean: Shit.

Franco: Well, maybe he's just waitin' for the right moment to bash your face in and set you on fire.

Sean: No way, I've been too careful, there's no way that he knows.

Franco: Ah, Sean. No offense, but being careful for you is like tempting fate for most.

Mrs Turbody: Listen, I'm gonna need you to go again once I'm done with this cigarette.

Tommy: Really?

Mrs Turbody: Oh, yeah. If you're gonna fill in for your nephew you better raise your game. Damian can go 3, 4 times in an hour. Can you keep up the pace or not?

Tommy: Well, I--I might need a sandwich...Mrs Turbody.

Tommy: Hey, Garrity. Humpin' around last night?

Sean: [coughs] What? Humpin' around...uh, no. I was uh, only hump the one--I just--I just uh, make love to the girlfriend.

Tommy: So you're like a one woman guy now?

Sean: Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much.

Tommy: So when are we gonna meet the girlfriend?

Sean: Meet her? The girlfriend? Uh...she's, uh, soon. I don't know, she works a lot.

Tommy: Uh-huh.

Sean: Yeah, yeah. So y'know. Hey, that was some brew-ha-ha the other night, wasn't it? I mean not ha-ha funny just sorta...actually it wasn't funny at all... it was sickening, kinda.

Tommy: Yeah that's how we settle things in my family, y'know, we're Irish.

Sean: Yeah, well, hey, please, tell me about it. Garrity.

Tommy: No, I mean like we're real Irish. Not your generation fake, faggotity Irish. Y'know, what I mean? I know you guys are like 'my feelings' and y'know talk it out. We don't talk it out. We find out who's responsible, then we find the person and we beat the living shit outta them. My grandfather's best friend growin' up, he was friends with this guy for like 40 years and I guess the guy was flirtin' with my grandmother one day--- long story short my grandfather rearranged the guy's face and he can barely talk now.

Sean: Wow. Well, wha--what did the guy say to your grandma?

Tommy: Uh, good morning. [Tommy throws down his cigarette and makes Sean step on it] Don't tell anyone about that.

Sean: Hey, we all make mistakes, right?

Tommy: What?

Sean: You say somethin'? [Tommy leaves] I'm a dead man.

Kenny: [about Mike's copy of The Tao of Pooh] Yeah, whatever. Hand it over.

Mike: Why?

Kenny: Because a firehouse is no place for sensitive souls, Probie.

Mike: You used to write poetry.

Kenny: Yeah, and it cost me my house, and my wife and a whole lot more so give it over.

Mike: You can't order me to stop reading.

Kenny: I'm not. I'm ordering you to stop filling your mind with this bullshit fortune cookie philosophy. You're taking life lessons from a semi-retarded bear, Mikey. And it's not even a real bear. Consider yourself fortunate that you're not burdened by an overactive mind. Stick to cartoons and coloring books.

Mike: I'm not stupid, y'know, I'm just simple-minded. The book says Pooh's like an uncarved block. Y'know, that's kind of how I feel.

Kenny: An uncarved block. That's hard to disagree with.

Mike: You're busting balls, but y'know, Winnie's as simple as they come. He just roams the woods, hangs with his pals, eats some honey, takes a nap. He doesn't care about understanding anything or even himself or the names that people call him. He just is. He accepts things as they are. That's the key to his happiness.

Kenny: And that's what this is, you're a little depressed about the fact that we're going to keep callin' you the probie. And that is the little problem that caused this little egxtensial life crisis. You don't know problems kid.

Mike: I'm just starting to realize that nobody's ever gonna have all the answers, y'know? You may think you know everything, but you don't. And you can't. And you never will. So you should just stop trying and life will get a lot easier.

Sparks [3.04]

Maggie: [about Sean] He's not my boyfriend.

Tommy: Well, he thinks he is.

Maggie: Listen, Tom, he's a sweet kid, dumb as a box of rocks and not the regular ones, the dumb ones. He's not bad in the sack and that's about all there is to it.

Tommy: So, you're not serious about him?

Maggie: Listen Tommy, including Garrity I got about 4 guys in line right now, no five. I just started this thing with the new super in my building. He's a cute Mexican guy, his name is Nacho. Y'know, like the snack.

Tommy: Yeah, that's cute. He's in love with you, you know.

Maggie: Nacho?

Tommy: Not Nacho. Garrity.

Maggie: Tell me somethin' I don't know. They're all in love with me, Tom. It's like moths to a flame.

Tommy: [on the phone] Lemme ask you somethin'. When did it start? Was it after Connor died, and I asked you personally, as my brother to look after my own kids and my wife. Is that when it started, huh? Was it like a month, a coupla months, huh? Last week? When did it start?

Johnny: It was your Junior Prom when you brought Janet home in that dress so Mom and Dad could take pictures of her. She looked amazing in that dress, Tommy.

Sean: You know what, Tom, this is just you -- being you, y'know, overprotective and thinkin' I'm good enough for your sister.

Tommy: That is not the issue believe me.

Sean: Yes it is.

Tommy: Of course you're good enough for her.

Sean: Oh, really?

Tommy: Yeah. And so are the four other guys, the underwear and the sock guys.

Sean: Oh, very funny. [they get into a shoving match]

Tommy: My sister.

Sean: She's my girlfriend! [Sean starts walking away]

Tommy: And well, one other thing, asshole.

Sean: What?

Tommy: Don't tell her I mentioned this stuff to you, alright? Please? Sean?

Bum: [about who gets to commit suicide first] I'm homeless. I got nothin'! No friends, no family, my life is shit.

Lou: My life is bigger shit. My wife whom I love dearly left me for another man. She broke my heart and then she took nearly everything I own. Yeah, and then I met another woman, beautiful, young, gorgeous... hooker but one of the good ones because-- because she didn't make me pay until the end. And then at the end she took every penny that I had on Earth. Then get this-- I'm in a porn store the other day and who do I see on the cover of a triple X but her. So, not only is she a thief and a hooker but she's a porn star. I'm a joke, I'm a loser, I look in the mirror and I wanna puke.

Bum: Be my guest.

Lou: Excuse me?

Bum: You win, loser, you can go first.

Lou: Thanks.

Sheila: [as Tommy is going to a sperm bank] How do they remove it from you?

Tommy: The sperm? You know what, I think they go in right above the knee with-- with a little tube and suck the cum right outta your leg. I don't-- what do you think?

Sheila: No, I mean, do they hook you up to some device or...

Tommy: Yeah, they have a penis pump. No! I jerk off into--into a cup or y'know a plastic ice cube tray or something, I don't know.

...

Sheila: Look, I just have a little tiny question for you.

Tommy: What?

Sheila: When you're at the sperm bank and you're jerkin' off into a cup, could you, uh, think of me?

Tommy: Why?

Sheila: Because if we then decide to use the sperm at a later date to have a child, it would be sorta like we were actually...connected at the moment that it all started.

Chlamydia [3.05]

Alicia: You know, the first man that a little girl falls in love with is her daddy.

Tommy: Yeah.

Alicia: So then when she gets older and she gets married chances are that she's gonna pick somebody, just like her old man.

Tommy: I'm aware of this theory, and it's a buncha bullshit.

Alicia: Oh, so you don't have anything in common with your wife's father?

Tommy: No, nothing.

Alicia: Oh, nothing.

Tommy: No, he was in real estate first of all. He was a suit and tie guy he spend his whole life behind a desk and real estate was all he thought about. He got up every mornin' and thought about how to rip people off. He was a selfish, self-centered, greedy, lying, cheating... midget. He was like 5'2. I'm way taller than him, and not funny at all which is one of the things my wife said that she found attractive about me when she met me was that I was funny and her father was not funny.

Ellie: All these goddamn faggotty politically correct assholes with their goddamn bibles, and their bumper stickers and their girl power bullshit. Nobody's accountable anymore. You get a drunk driver who kills a kid, it's not his fault 'cause he drank, it's his parents fault because they bullied him when he was a kid. I'm so sick of the people not facing up to the facts. Black people like fried foods. Chinese people, lousy goddamn drivers. Mexicans think that a pick-up truck holds 27 goddamn people. And that's just what I think.

Teddy: Will you marry me?

Sean: Oh, now I'm an asshole. Why am I an asshole?

Tommy: You're an asshole because you told Maggie everything that I told you about Fred.

Sean: Okay, I'm a pussy if I don't say anything to Maggie and now I'm an asshole for openin' my big mouth. You're impossible to please.

Tommy: You wanna please me? Keep your hands outta my sister's pants. [Sean tries to go after him, but since they're in the truck, he's seatbelted in and can't reach Tommy]

Sean: She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and you ruined it.

Tommy: Look, I told you to talk to her, okay? You decided to break up with her. You live with that decision.

Sean: Yeah, well, you know what? Try this one out. I don't wanna be friends anymore.

Tommy: Yeah? And?

Sean: I don't want you to call me. It's over. We're breaking up.

Tommy: You're--you're break--?

Sean: Yes.

Tommy: Hey! You guys listening to this? Garrity's breaking up with me!

Sean: Yeah, it's over. I don't wanna hear from you, no dinner, no hangin' out, nothin'.

Tommy: He's breaking up with me. Unbelieveable. Oh my God. Your whole generation. Gay.

Maggie: You happy? I never thought you of all people would sabotage the least dysfunctional relationship of my entire life.

Tommy: I wasn't tryin' to sabotage. You're the one who's going out with like six different guys.

Maggie: No, five and I liked Sean the best. He happens to be very nice and he does everything I say, he's perfect.

Tommy: Then why are you cheatin' on him?

Maggie: A zebra can't change its stripes overnight.

Tommy: [about Mrs. Turbody] I think she might have given me the Big C.

Lou: Cancer's the Big C. Chlamydia ... little c.

Tommy: Oh, well, you know what I'm sayin' so, what do you think?

Lou: I dunno. We're talking about piss filled bladders, we're talking about illicit underage sex scandals--

Tommy: Which I put an end to by the way.

Lou: ---with teachers and students and uncles and nephews, we're talking about fire-breathing cocks, I mean, to be honest with you, all of a sudden, I don't know why, but y'know, I feel a little bit better about my life.

Tommy: Well, I'm glad I could help you feel better.

Lou: Well, I don't know what to tell you, I mean you're the only man in the tri-state area who shares a case of chlamydia with three teenage boys ... non clergy, of course.

Zombies [3.06]

Sean: Lou, I need some ibuprofens you guys got any?

Tommy: That's interesting because I have a whole giant bottle of ibuprofens just sitting up in my locker waiting to be taken.

Sean: Really? Well, could I have some?

Tommy: Nope, it's for me and my friends.

Sean: Okay, can we be friends again, please?

Tommy: Nope. You broke up with me, it's not that easy for me to recover.

Sean: Come on, Tom. I'm in pain.

Tommy: Yeah, well, I'm in pain too, okay? Emotional pain.

Sean: Really?

Tommy: Yep. I was very, very hurt.

Sean: [sleepwalking, after taking the wrong pill from Tommy]: Hey bro, you need to lose like 75 pounds. Seriously. If I have to carry you out of a fire, it's gonna be slow going.

Sean: [sleepwalking] Hey, whatcha writin' there?

Cop: A ticket.

Sean: Whoa, you can write those?

Cop: Yeah.

Sean: Can you do me a favor and write me two U2 tickets at the Garden? I love you U2. Two, my mom and my sister, my mom loves Bono because of the whole world hunger thing... actually, my mom--will you write us 12?

Janet: Colleen called her teacher a bitch and slapped one of her classmates, so they want her to see a counselor, I think it has to do with Connor and you not being around any more.

Tommy: You're right. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're sleeping with and living with her uncle.

Tommy: That's because they're real tits, Franco, that's what real tits look like, okay? Johnny Giant fake boob.

Franco: Well, excuse me for being an American, I like to suck on big tits, okay?

Tommy: Now it's a political issue. I'm a terrorist because I like real tits?

Satisfaction [3.07]

Maggie: What's going on with the getting me all excited front?

Sean: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. How 'bout we like go back to your apartment and I get you excited in another way, in a way that doesn't involve me getting punched in the kidneys. [a big guy walks by them]

Maggie: Did you hear that? That guy just called me a whore.

Sean: Uh, no I missed that.

Maggie: You just called me a whore didn't you, asshole?

Guy: [turns around] Excuse me?

Sean: Oh, it was me, sometimes I just do that I--

Guy: You got a problem, asshole?

Sean: God, with you, come on. No, what're you crazy? [looks towards a smaller guy] No this guy--did he?

Maggie: No definitely him, [points to the big guy, then the little guy] not him.

Sean: No, you're wrong. It was this guy. [to the smaller guy] Did you just call my lady friend a whore?

Little Guy: Get away from me.

Sean: Y'know what I think he did. What're you a tough guy? [he sprays Sean with mace, who falls to the ground]

Little guy: Whose the tough guy now?! [rides off on his bike]

Maggie: Jesus, Sean, this is so embarrassing. You need to grow up. It's like you've never been sprayed in the eyes with mace before.

Sean: We're supposed to go out again tonight, I mean, I wanna make her happy but I gotta figure out a way to fight some guys where I'm not gonna get hurt.

Lou: Just guys?

Sean: Yeah, just guys, for now. I mean, I'm sure I'll fight some chicks in a coupla weeks but for now, just guys.

Franco: What about guys with one leg?

Mike: Or no legs.

Tommy: Midgets.

Mike: Midgets with no legs.

Tommy: Ah, too hard to find.

Angie: I have a lot of cop friends back from when Johnny and I were married. I heard about the two of you. You've been a busy girl.

Janet: No busier than you.

Angie: Oh, you mean me and Tommy? That's such a big surprise for me, I mean he was never really my type. Then I bumped into him a coupla weeks--

Janet: You actually think that I believe this bullshit?

Angie: Oh, why? I'm not good enough for Tommy?

Janet: That is not it, Angie.

Angie: Oh, yeah I think it is.

Janet: Well, it's not. Look, we were never close, and frankly I never liked you.

Angie: Really?

Janet: Yeah. But then you did one thing that I could never do. You broke free. You got away from the neighborhood and all the petty family bullshit. You broke away and started a whole new life for yourself. And I respected you for that so much, but now here you are all dressed up, dead center in a pile of shit. Welcome home, Angie.

Angie: Oh, no I already got my welcome home when I made it with your husband. Don't worry about those frown lines, sweetie. Just keep smiling no one's gonna notice.

Chief Reilly: Well, look at 'ya now, just pushin' the pencil, runnin' all over the city makin' sure good guys like my crew here aren't rubbing one off on the city's dime.

Flinn: I'm just doin' what I'm told.

Chief: Yeah, and there's a lotta honor in that ain't there, Flinn? (pushes him up against the lockers) You can take your little clipboard and go back downtown, back to headquarters and you tell who ever it was that sent you up here that they can kiss my white Irish ass. This is the best group of guys I've ever had the honor of serving with. These guys are gold when it comes to people's lives and protecting their property, not to mention the five names on that plaque on that wall out there. Guys that went into those two towers on that day and never came back. So, within the sacred confines of these four walls that they should look at something else other than that shit, that's fine with me. They wanna smoke, they wanna jerk off, they wanna shove potato chips up their ass, I don't give a shit as long as they keep gettin' on that rig and goin' out the door and savin' lives, I'll back 'em up.

Flinn: [looking over towards his guys] What've we got?

Guy: There's no porn, sir. No tapes, no magazines.

Chief Reilly: I'm sorry that it was a wasted trip, now get outta my goddamn quarters.

Flinn: [to his guys] Let's go.

Chief Reilly: Make sure down at headquarters you tell 'em Chief Jerry Reilly from the 15th battalion. [After the guys leave, everyone claps] Cut it out, cut it out.

Lou: Nicely done, Chief. Now, lemme ask you a question: Did you really mean what you said about us being able to smoke and jerk off and everything?

Chief Reilly: Why of course.

Lou: Good, because there's a bag of potato chips in the kitchen with my ass' name all over it.

Sheila: [After drugging Tommy in order to rape him because he slept with Angie] I understand the need for revenge. I understand envy and heavy jealousy. But... why would she want to hurt me?

Karate [3.08]

Tommy: [After Lou explains his epiphany] That still doesn't explain why you were in my toilet manscaping.

Tommy: You know who else had an epiphany, once? Hitler. Everybody woke up and all of a sudden there were no more bagels and cream cheese available in downtown Berlin, not to mention lox pastrami sandwiches.

Sean: Alright, Maggie, what's it gonna take for you to feel loved? What, you wanna get married? You wanna live happily ever aft--

Maggie: Yeah.

Sean: What? What did you just say?

Maggie: You asked me to marry you, I'm sayin' "yes."

Sean: No, I meant when you said that--

Maggie: What, now you don't wanna get married?

Sean: No, I guess--

Maggie: We've only been engaged 15 seconds and you're already getting cold feet.

Sean: I guess we could get married. I mean I love you, and I'm pretty sure that you love me, even though you've never actually said it.

Sean: It concerns me and Maggie.

Lou: You killed her.

Sean: No, quite the opposite. We are gettin' married.

Lou: So you'll kill her in like three years.

Sean: No, come on, why can't you guys be happy for me? This is such a big deal [goes over and hugs, then kisses Tommy's cheek] we're gonna be bro's!

Tommy: Hey, hey, get off of me.

Chief Reilly: Come on, this game is nuts now.

Franco: Now you know why Puerto Ricans don't play hockey.

Sean: Why's that?

Franco: Well, we'd all be carryin' knives it'd be a blood bath.

Maggie: Not to mention all the hubcaps that would be stolen off of the Zamboni.

Pieces [3.09]

Sean: I uh…the thing is-- see my family, they raised me right... I think. I wanted to do this respectfully and so uh…that's why I'm here Mr. Gavin. To ask you most sincerely and most... some other word for um... your daughter, Maggie's hand in marriage.

John Sr.: Are you retarded?

[Over at the table, Maggie and Lou are listening]

Maggie: [whispers] I can't believe Tommy's missing this.

Lou: [whispers] I'm taking notes.

Sean: I mean, I had some reading comprehension problems in school and I had to take the SAT's like 11 times and I still didn't pass---

John Sr.: What's the point of asking me for her hand in marriage when you've already asked her for it?

Sean: That's a good point. That's a good point, Dad. Is it too early for me to call you that?

John Sr.: I don't know, is it too early for me to call you asshole? [at the table Lou laughs and writes that down for the notes] You do realize that she is a blood-sucking, hell bitch.

Maggie: What?!

John Sr.: This is a private conversation.

Maggie: You see these shoes? These are gonna go right up your ass old man.

John Sr.: [to Sean] You see how she talks to me? And I'm her father. Imagine what she'll say to you.

Sean: I don't have to imagine.

John Sr.: Now, you seem like a pretty nice kid, a little slow but nice. You see that door right over there? Use it and never look back.

Maggie: That's it. You're not invited to the wedding. No invitation for you.

John Sr.: Yeah, well what about the wedding after this one? Am I banned from that one too?

Johnny: I'm here because um...y'know, I didn't want you findin' out from somebody else. Janet's pregnant. It wasn't planned, y'know, it just happened. It is what it is and we're happy. Obviously we don't know what the sex of the child is yet, but look on the upside, Tommy, if--if it's a boy, then dad can stop with that whole male heir bullshit thing that he keeps talkin' about. Okay, Tommy?

Tommy: You--You're askin' me if it's okay?

Johnny: Yeah.

Tommy: [pause and stares at him] Congratulations.

Sean: For your information Chris was just here. He told me everything.

Mike: Chris was just here?

Sean: That's right, I mean we're such good friends, I mean when were you gonna tell me about it?

Mike: Never.

Sean: Asshole.

Mike: I was confused.

Sean: Alright, well, now I'm confused too. Why didn't you just talk to me, maybe I'd have gone the same way.

Mike: Get outta here.

Sean: Yeah, bro. I like to keep it fresh. I like to try new things. Try new positions, switch hit. How could you go behind our backs and do this?

Mike: Sean you gotta know the truth. It-- it was just Chris.

Sean: Oh, don't pin this on him.

Mike: But it was him. He gave me like a half a dozen blow jobs, and it was always him goin' down on me. I never kissed him or slept with him, it was just the blow jobs I swear.

[Sean looks shocked and backs away]

Sean: Okay, what're we talkin' about here?

Mike: What Chris told you.

Sean: All Chris told me was about this transfer order-- Holy shit!

Mike: Sean, please just don't tell anybody.

[Lou walks in]

Sean: Mike's gay!

Lou: Oh, hell I knew that.

Mike: Chris talked to you too?

Lou: Who's Chris?

Sean: Chris is his lover man-- guy.

Mike: I can explain, Lou. Just please don't let anybody else know.

[Franco walks in]

Franco: Know what?

Lou: Mike's gay.

Franco: Yeah tell me something I don't know. [looks up from his book] Oh, you mean gay, gay.

Mike: Every morning I'd pass by the construction guys out there on my way to work and there was this one guy-- Chris and I noticed him a couple of times. And one day, when I was passin' by, he sorta like smiled at me.

Sean: Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.

Mike: Well, it freaked me out too. Every morning he'd gimme this like smile. And one day when I stepped out and he wasn't there--

Lou: Did you check the end of your cock? [everyone laughs]

Chief Reilly: Lou, let him talk. Go ahead, kid.

Mike: And he was gone and I sorta liked missed him.

Tommy: Alright, my balls just went up behind my lungs.

Mike: I don't know how to describe the way I was feeling. Y'know, he was a nice guy... and-- and, we started talkin' and I guess I was like lonely or something and I moved into his place and it was great at first... then it got weird.

Franco: And then it got weird, because I was wonderin' when that was gonna kick in.

Mike: And he was into me that way, and that's when the blow jobs started... and it freaked me out at first. Yeah, and I knew it wasn't right for me--- he's gone, I'm not with him. I-I-I left, it's over, and that's the whole story.

Sean: Bullshit, Mikey. What about the transfer?

Mike: I filled the form out but I never turned it in, did I?

Sean: Oh, cut the shit, Mike, you already got your new house all picked out.

Chief Reilly: How do you know that?

Sean: Because he's playin' for their softball team.

Mike: What?

Sean: Yeah, your boyfriend Chris, he told me that you were battin' for the other team. edit »

Franco: I don't want him showerin' with us that's for sure. It's nothing personal, Mike. I just don't need you starin' at my hang down like it's an a la carte special at the Chez Homo.

Sean: Yeah, and I don't wanna know about your new boyfriends, or your new clothes, or nights out at the disco, or Liza Minnelli, or ass toys. It's off limits from now on.

Mike: I'm not gay. I didn't do anything sexual to him. I'm totally into chicks, and I'm seein' this girl over the past coupla weeks--

Franco: Yeah. A girl named Dave.

Mike: Y'know, if this is how it's gonna be, if I can't make a little mistake in my personal life then maybe I should transfer.

Tommy: Hey, hey, kid come here. Guys, better or worse, I think we all consider ourselves a family here, correct? Now whether, Mike's a fag. Sorry, Mike. Or not he's, he's part of that family, correct? I think y'know, as a firefighter he's been startin' to pull his own weight. Y'know and maybe he acts a little faggy from time to time. Sorry, Mike. But y'know, in the shit he's been learnin', he's been performin', y'know Johnny Stack would not be alive today if it wasn't for Mikey. Now, as far as it goes in the house, I trust the kid, y'know, I feel like if I'm stuck somewhere on the job, I feel like he's got me, y'know, he's got me-- covered. Come here kid. [they hug] I got no problem with this.

Lou: [whispers] Ten bucks says Mikey's hard.

Tommy: I heard that.

Retards [3.10]

Bartender: For a glass that's gonna cost you about a c-note, you're certainly drinkin' it pretty fast there, pal.

Tommy: Well, you would to if you only had about two dollars and seventy-five cents if your pocket.

Tommy: [showing his scars to people at a bar, proving he's FDNY, while drinking expensive whiskey he can't pay for] See, that? See, that, huh? I got that 12 stories up in a raging inferno up in Harlem. In an apartment, lookin' around I lost my halgen, couldn't find it. But I did find someone's grandmother. I had to hand her out in a bucket to save her, had to punch my way through a window. She died about an hour later. See that one? Take a look at that one. That was a drunken asshole up in the Bronx he fell asleep smoking in bed, well, he started the fire. He was trying to crawl out, I brought him down, I was trading my mask off with him coming down the stairs, the stairs give way and I fall through a half of story on to these metal spikes. He lived, but four kids and their mom died. I knew, 60 guys, who died on 9-11. And you know what the funny part is? I betcha 'ya, all the people in this bar, you could name five finalist from American Idol but they can't name one, one name of the 343 men who gave their lives from the FDNY on 9-11, huh. Anybody got a name? One name, huh? Anybody got a name of a dead fireman, huh? No, nobody, didn't think so. I don't have any money because my wallet and my badge were inside my new truck which got stolen this morning. My wife's pregnant, she's gonna have a baby. But we don't know who's it is because she's having sex with me and my brother. My uncle's in the joint because last year he shot my---this drunk driver that killed my only son and I just saw my son on a crosstown bus right in front of this place like three minutes ago. [Bartender gives Tommy the whole bottle of the expensive Irish whiskey]

Franco: He's retarded.

Lou: Like Rain Man retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?

Franco: Well, he can function, like Paris, he can go to the bathroom on his own which I assume Paris can do. He's pretty good with numbers, I'm not sayin' that the guy can count toothpicks off of the floor or anything and you know, he eats things.

Lou: Hey, hey now there's nothing retarded about that.

Franco: No, I'm not talkin' bout food things, Lou. I'm talking about actual things shit that's layin' around the room. Checkers, paper clips, erasers, pen caps, the guys small intestine must have a silver lining.

Lou: Well, you know how they talk about retards having like what's it called retard strength?

Sean: What're you lookin' at me for?

Lou: Well, maybe that's what Richard the retard has except all of his power is concentrated in his digestive track.

Franco: The thing is that I really wanna make a good impression with Nat, so I figured I take the guy to a ballgame.

Sean: Yeah, hey that's a good idea. A nice chance to bond.

Lou: Yeah, that should work out real nice, you know, assuming he doesn't eat the tickets before you get to the gate.

Tommy: So, what're you? You a Muslim?

Taxi Driver: Yeah.

Tommy: So what, you believe that you die and you go to heaven and you get what? Seventy...seven virgins?

Taxi Driver: Seventy-two.

Tommy: Seventy-two, right. I mean...what's the point of that? If you think about it...I mean, virgins? When you go to heaven, I mean wouldn't you rather have whores?

Taxi Driver: You think that there are whores in heaven? There are no whores in heaven.

Tommy: I mean, I would prefer that if I went to heaven I would get seventy-seven---

Taxi Driver: Seventy-two.

Tommy: Okay. Seventy-two...whores. Chicks that know something, chicks that know how to blow 'ya---chicks that know tricks.

Taxi Driver: Lemme ask you somethin'--

Tommy: What? What?

Taxi Driver: What are you...religion wise.

Tommy: I'm nothing. I'm a lapsed Catholic.

Taxi Driver: Well, my friend, you're going to hell, okay?

Tommy: I'd rather go to hell with seventy-seven---

Taxi Driver: Seventy-two. Seventy-two!

Tommy: Okay, two-thousand whores! Three thousand whores and Babe Ruth and John Lennon and Elvis Presley, take me to hell. Jesus.

Janet: Why didn't you listen to me?

Tommy: When?

Janet: Six years ago when I asked you to spend more time with the kids, to spend more time at home, to spend more time with me. All you had to do was to listen to me! All that was required was that you hear the words!

Tommy: I heard the words, okay. I quit drinking, I quit my third job, I was home every Saturday.

Janet: No, you were always playing softball every Saturday during the summer. All winter you played hockey, all spring, all fall, and the only reason that you quit drinking was because Lou said to you that the chief said something to him---

Tommy: That wasn't the only reason.

Janet: --- not because of me! Not because of the kids! Goddammit, Tommy! [she grabs his coat and shakes him and starts hitting him] All you had to do was listen!

Tommy: [pinning her against the wall] Goddammit, stop! Are you gonna tell me that simply because I didn't listen well enough that you have ruined my life so far beyond what I could ever imagine? And that's why, because I didn't listen hard enough, and that's why, you're sucking my brother's cock?

Janet: Goddammit, Tommy, he was there when I needed someone I was scared shitless -- I just buried my only son.

Tommy: So did I.

Janet: And what did you need, Tommy?

Tommy: Ah, Goddammit! What did I need--

Janet: You know, I needed you! The old you. I needed someone to hold me in my bed at night when I cried. I needed someone to help me after I was done helping the girls wipe away their tears. But, the old you? He was gone. He's buried, with all of your lost brothers and you know what? You can tell all of your lost brothers to go to hell because we're here, and they're not.

Twilight [3.11]

Tommy: Tell me that she is not a nun. Tell me that, she was wearing a nun costume like her French maid costume was at the dry cleaners or somethin', right?

Lou: [sighs] Okay. Confusion is to be expected with this conversation. What the mind sees is sometimes not which is real but the reality that is brought to it.

Tommy: Really?

Lou: I'm brushing up on Buddhism. The Buddhist approach to things. Ask yourself this Tommy: If a tree falls in the forest... [Lou opens up a book. Tommy takes Lou's book and throws it out the window] ...and there's no one there to see it or hear it, would you still be such an asshole? Actually, you might've done me a favor there by discarding one of my possessions. That's part of the path to enlightenment.

Tommy: Okay, my foot is about to take the enlighten path up your ass. Is she a nun or is she not a nun?

Lou: She's a semi-nun.

Tommy: She's a semi-nun, what does that mean? She's in the Nun National Guard, huh? What, She's the bride of Christ one weekend a month? What the hell's that mean?!

Lou: Why don't you sit down and calm yourself and I'll make us some green tea. And we will talk.

Tommy: I'm not sitting with you and doing anything, okay? You have crossed a boundary my friend.

Lou: You have boundaries?

Tommy: I have one boundary Lou. One boundary and one boundary only, and that is no sex with nuns in the place where I live.

Lou: She's a nun until the end of the month, okay? She's leaving the order, they know all about it. She's trying to spend a few days, every week, out of the convent trying to adjust.

Tommy: Time to adjust what, her vagina?

Lou: She's living under their roof for a couple more weeks, she has to abide by their rules...This could be really big for me Tommy.

Tommy: Oh, I'm sure--sure it is. A nun, what's bigger than a nun? A saint?

Lou: You know, I've got a chance here. She's only been with two guys, one was some clown back in high school and the other was, you know, Jesus.

Tommy: Yeah, Jesus, our lord and savior who died for our sins, that Jesus, right?

Lou: Yeah but word on the street is that I was created in his image, you know. There are those people that say, that I too move in mysterious ways.

Tommy: Uh huh. And technically she’s still married to him so that means she’s cheating on the son of God with you!

Lou: I got 100 pounds on the guy, and look no holes in my hands. Bring it on Jesus!

Tommy: Okay, you just crossed the second boundary, I--I need to lay down. [clutching his chest] What is that smell? It is either the kitchen or I think you might have actually burned a hole in my soul...oh yeah that is it, uh, oh yeah...right through the middle of the soul.

Sean: I'm getting the feeling we're not on the same page here about this wedding.

Maggie: No, I'm getting the feeling we're not in the same book.

Sean: Okay, well, I'll do it how ever you want, but what's important to me is that we're standing there taking our vows in the eyes of God, alright?

Maggie: Where in the eyes of God?

Sean: Where do you think, Maggie? In a church, alright? In his house.

Maggie: Can't God come to our house?

Sean: Maggie, please, can't you do this for me and my folks?

Maggie: I'm no good in churches, Sean. They creep me out. All those statues looking down on me, judging, knowing all the dirty, promiscuous, unprotected sex I've had.

Maggie: [in a church] I’m having a nicotine kick, I walk into any holy building and my body chemistry goes completely ape shit.

Sean: Don’t swear in here.

Maggie: Ape shit is not a swear word. It’s a zoological term.

...

Maggie: Can I smoke in here?

Sean: Maggie!

Maggie: What? He walks around burning incense all day, what’s a little more smoke gonna do, right Sean? Right, Danny? [Maggie lights the cigarette]

Priest: Uh-uh, there’s no smoking in here. [he hands her a tray and she puts the cigarette on it]

Maggie: [to Sean] He’s probably gonna smoke that when we leave.

Sean: Okay, could you cut it out, please? Jesus. [to Priest] Ooh, sorry.

Priest: The two of you haven’t come here on a dare, have you?

Sean: No, no, seriously father, please…ignore my fiancée she’s having some issues with the church and you know, we’re working them out…in counseling. Uh, yes, marriage, Catholic issue counseling. It’s really very helpful.

Priest: I see. And where are you receiving this counseling?

Maggie: Uh, Murphy’s Pub on 48th.

Priest: Okay, I think we’re done here. Should, you uh, find a church that’s willing to marry you, I wanna wish you both the best of luck.

Maggie: How dare you walk out on us you sanctimonious tool. You have no idea how important this is to him.

Priest: I assisted during an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1977, or did we meet somewhere else?

Maggie: You just ain't returnin' any of my calls, and that ain't very polite.

Sean: Yeah, well, you're the expert on polite. Wait, no, you're not.

Maggie: I got you a present.

Sean: [looks in the bag] Two avocados?

Maggie: Yeah, well, I was tryin' to come up with a peace offering, so I thought I'd bake you a cake or something only I don't know how to cook or any of that shit, so I thought I'd go to the store and buy you a cake only they're too expensive and I can't go to my bakery because I told the guy that his cannolis tasted like cat piss. So I got the avocados, I think they're ripe.

Sean: Well, I talked to Father Dan, or well tried to. It turns out that we have been banned from getting married anywhere near the Diocese, much less in it.

Maggie: Well, Sean, I'm sorry, I really am. Can you not hear me say it? I'm sorry. Maggie Gavin is saying she's sorry. She must really be in love, huh? She is, Sean, in letters eight miles high.

Sean: You know, Maggie, yesterday after your performance with the priest I went home and I was really upset and I was thinkin' about you and I threw up. And I though to myself, well maybe I'm not the smartest guy on the planet but maybe you shouldn't get married to someone who actually makes you throw up, okay? I don't like to puke. It's not gonna work. [hands her the avocados and walks away]

Maggie: Sean. Sean. You're making me cry. You're such an asshole!

Hell [3.12]

Lou: Jesus Christ, he is now officially two hours overdue. I mean, this is unheard of. Jerry is never late.

Franco: Still gettin' Tommy's voice mail. Called him at home, the machine is full.

Lou: He was in the shower when I left this morning.

Mike: Maybe he like slipped and knocked himself out.

Lou: You know, the way that his life's been goin' that would be an improvement.

Franco: What do you wanna do, Lou?

Lou: What do I wanna do? What does Lou wanna do? Lou wants to sit here with a box of doughnuts and watch Frankenstein. That's what Lou wants to do. Although, that combination usually leads to a jerk off session so Lou will just stand here and worry.

Lou: You know, how would you rather go out? Lying there burnt up like Stack in some hospital bed. They come in and take you, bit by bit. Like you're a goddamn Mr. Potato Head. Or like Jerry? Bangin' away, free as a bird, his cock as hard as a shovel, huh? Mr. Potato Head style or cock like a shovel? Well?

Tommy: I'm thinking. [pauses] Shovel cock.

Lou: Huh?

Tommy: Shovel cock!

Lou: That's my boy.

Sean: Hey chief, do you wanna break this window?

Chief Reilly: Nah, this is beveled glass. He'll shit if we break this.

Sean: What about this one?

Chief Reilly: Nah, that's a storm window. I'll tell you what — we were down at the track last week. The guy owes me forty bucks, so let's see if we can find a forty dollar window.

[Franco and Sean put a chair through Jerry's back door window]

Funeral Director: This one is considered the Mercedes-Benz of caskets.

Lou: And how much?

Funeral Director: Fifteen thousand.

Lou: And the cemetery fees, the cost of embalming, and the wake and all of that...

Funeral Director: I'd have to sit down in front of the computer.

Lou: Ballpark.

Funeral Director: About forty thousand dollars.

Lou: Jesus, it'd be cheaper to buy a used Mercedes and put him in the trunk and drive him off of a goddamn bridge. Tommy, what do you think?

RoseMary: Listen, it's all about sex and laughing, right? We can all die tomorrow, happy is the key. You gotta be happy.

Tommy: Nice speech.

RoseMary: You know where I first heard that speech?

Tommy: Where?

RoseMary: From you. After all that they put me through, mom and dad, you know how that made me feel. You gave me that speech, you opened up my eyes, you opened up my ears, Tommy. You made it seem so clear cut. [hugs him] Thank you.

Beached [3.13]

Lou: H.Q. I told them that we don't have a Chief, and they said that they sent somebody.

Tommy: It must've been Izzy, right?

Lou: No, it's not Izzy, he's got his own crew to deal with. Same with Needles. They tell me this guy... (looks at his paper) Tell me, how do you pronounce this? P-E-C-H-E-R.

Tommy: You've gotta be kiddin' me. It's gold.

Lou: It's 'pecker', right?

Tommy: This is like shootin' fish is a goddamn barrel. You've got so many options here.

Lou: Yeah, if he's an asshole, you've got peck-a-wood, peck-a-head.

Tommy: Yeah, and if he's good lookin', Gregory Pecker.

Lou: And if he's black... you've got Black 'n Pecker.

Tommy: There you go.

Tommy: [looking at a 9/11 Memorial] It's hard to believe it's been five years, man.

Franco: Yeah I saw a thing about this in the Times, the picture didn't do it justice.

Lou: You realize the only reason this is here, is because firefighters and regular people, wanted to honor the guys we lost. There were no politicians involved.

Tommy: No. The Chief of the Department, did I tell ya, when they did the unveiling... his speech, he said "All we got was empty promises from empty suits."

Lou: You know I feel for those families over there. Waiting for a memorial for their loved ones, we already got ours.

Tommy: You know, the guys from this house, they lost a lot of brothers that day... they wrote on the back of this thing, they put personal prayers, put personal notes, and remembrances, of all the brothers they lost that day... and then they sealed it up so that nobody will ever be able to read what they wrote.

Lou: That's the way it should be, it stays between brothers.

Franco: Each other is all we got, right.

Mike: Why'd you have to tell everybody? Asshole.

Sean: It's not my fault, asshole. It's your fault. You went outta bounds, alright. You bang some chick that's fine. But if you bang a brother-sister combo deal, I am required by law to share that.

Tommy: [coming up with a plan about the baby] Alright, so you know what we do, we pretend that we're together, and when the baby's born I'll help you raise it, and if it's a boy, grand slam because that solves my dad's problem with the male heir thing...

Janet: Okay, and what if the baby looks like Johnny? [Tommy scoffs] What?

Tommy: Like that's a possibility.

Janet: Uh, yeah.

Tommy: Both of Angie's kids look just like Angie, okay? Nothing like Johnny, okay? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm, are you kiddin' me?

Janet: Oh my gosh... okay.

Tommy: My sperm are like... they have ant strength, they can lift other sperm outta the way, okay?

Katy: Wait, um, what's sperm? [Tommy looks to Janet who throws her hands up in the air at him]

Tommy: It's -- It's, uh food. It's like uh, Spam, except it has more... protein and it's hard to find in the store. Now get outta here.

Katy: Well, I thought it was the stuff that came out of a man's penis during intercourse.

Babyface [4.01]

Tommy: Colleen is smoking pot!

Janet: I know.

Tommy: You know? What do you mean 'you know'?

Janet: And it's good pot, not the cheap shit we used to get.

Tommy: Great, great. That's a great attitdude. You know, I told you years ago, that pot is a gateway drug--- So she comes home tonight, not only is she high, she's drunk. Drunk. Yeah, shitfaced. Puked. Yeah.

Janet: Was she driving?

Tommy: No, I think her 50 year old boyfriend was handling the driving responsiblities.

Janet: He's 26. And that's good, that's good.

Tommy: Why's that good?

Janet: Because he doesn't drink.

Tommy: Okay. I'm pretty sure she's bangin' this guy.

Janet: I know. She's on the pill.

Tommy: You put her on the pill? In-insane. Just totally-- ... You-- you got the whole toolbox goin' here, booze, penises, ... I-- I can't believe that I'm finally the moral compass in this family.

Tommy: Okay, Colleen, sex with the boyfriend, in the car in front of the house. How about that, huh? The neighbors could've seen--

Janet: So did we. So did we.

Tommy: Honey, she's a kid, she just turned 18... you know...

Janet: You got me pregnant when I was 17.

Tommy: Okay, that was--

Janet: In your truck, while we were drinking, and on pot.

Tommy: It was the 70's, okay?

Janet: This baby hates me.

Tommy: Honey, he's a baby, he doesn't even know what hate is.

Janet: He's a Gavin. He was born to hate. You know, come to think of it, I think he's all Gavin. Half Johnny, half you.

Maggie: You're throwing away the porn?

Sean: Okay, look, Maggie, a lotta wives-- they would be thrilled if their husbands were throwing away their porn they would see it as a mature and committed act, and -- and I thnk that you should see this as a real positive thing.

Maggie: You know, that's all fine and good, Sean, only it's my porn.

Sean: Yeah, but you don't need it anymore 'cause 'ya got me.

Maggie: [laughs] Put the box down.

Sean: C'mon, Maggie I just wanna be married for two seconds without--

Maggie: No, now! You see this box? This box is your friend, it might even be your best friend because it is the only thing breathing life into our relationship right now.

Sean: Maggie, we've been married nine months. What are you talkin' about breathin' life into the relationship?

Maggie: Everyone needs breath, everyone needs a spark, Sean!

Sean: Okay, and the spark is watching some girl get double teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?

Maggie: See, now you understand.

Sean: No, I don't understand. I don't understand, Maggie, and I don't think you understand that I might have a problem with this. You know, that this might make me feel... inferior.

Maggie: Oh, but Sean you have nothing to feel inferior about.

Sean: Really?

Maggie: Well.... except for the fact that your cock isn't as big as a telephone pole. But, that's--

Sean: That's okay, I'm going to work. You go look at your porn.

Maggie: Sean--- Sean, you don't want your cock that big. Your life would be terrible, you would not be able to buy pants.

Tommy: So you want me to lie?

Eddie: Yeah, through your goddamn teeth I want you to lie.

Tommy: Well, I can't do that.

Eddie: You-- You can't [starts laughing]

Tommy: What's so funny?

Eddie: You can't lie?

Tommy: Look, I can lie to my wife, my kids, the guys at work, the guys at headquarters, cops, yeah I can do that kinda lyin'. That's like triple-A ball, you know? But these are lawyers, this is major league pitching here to these guys, I'm good but I'm not that good.

Tuesday [4.02]

Sean: Hey guys, can I ask you somethin'?

Lou: Oh, here we go.

Sean: What? What do you mean 'here we go'?

Lou: Well, everytime you say 'Hey guys, can I ask you somethin', we're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead end incrediably moronic conversation or you're gonna say somethin' so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we're gonna end up thinking back to what you said and laughing our tired asses off. Not like it's gonna stop you. (hands out plates of food) My grandma's lemon chicken, you dumb Irish minks, so eat slow. Proceed, Sean.

Sean: Wow. Okay, you know how uh, porn has come out on DVD so it's like really cheap and available? And you go onto the internet and it's right there and kinda pop-upable in your face. ... Well, here's-- here's my question: Do you guys, do you still use the you know, the good 'ol spank bank?

Lou: Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.

Sean: Well, at this stage of the game my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.

Tommy: I'm eating.

Sean: Let me think though, Scarlett Johannson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...

Franco: Janet who?

Sean: What?

Franco: Janet who?

Sean: Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.

Lou: Shit. Gimme the knives. [grabs all the knives from the table]

Sean: What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?

Tommy: I think you were talking about my wife.

Sean: No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?

Tommy: Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.

Sean: No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...

Tommy: Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!

Sean: Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the picnic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water balloon fight, I mean come on!

Tommy: FDNY ain't like it used to be, man. It's all bean counters and brown nosers now. Guys like me, a dyin' breed.

Eddie: Oh, yeah, with the drinkin' and the druggin' and the mistresses, and the lyin and the cheatin'. World ain't what it used to be, huh, Tom? Hey, we gotta go. Teddy's case just came in.

Tommy: Is that good or bad?

Eddie: If I had to bet right now on your case or Teddy's I'd have to call it even.

Tommy: Why's that?

Eddie: Because they both hinge on the same thing.

Tommy: Which is?

Eddie: Dead dicks.

Tommy: I wanna know what really happened that night, okay? All of it.

Sheila: You know the truth, Tommy. You're an uncontrollable alcohol with a heavy case of survivor's guilt. Couple of big swigs, the guilt goes right out the window, and you're rippin' off my panties and wippin' out your dick. I saw somethin' about it on Oprah, the grieving process. That's how men deal with death. They wanna have a lot of sex, they think it kills off all the emotions inside.

Tommy: Oprah said that?

Sheila: She did.

Tommy: [after Sheila sprays him with perfume] Wh-what are you doing?

Sheila: You had a little baby stink on you. Anyway, it's Curious by Britney Spears, it's fancy.

Tommy: Well, the mystery's over, she's a whore.

Commitment [4.03]

[Colleen comes out of her boyfriend's bedroom with just her underwear on]

Tommy: Oh, my God! [to Lou, Franco and Sean] Blinders, blinders, blinders! Let me tell you something, this better not--

Sean: It's not goin' in the spank bank.

Tommy: It better not.

Sean: I promise.

Tommy: I told your mother I was bringing you home, let's go.

Colleen: No, I can't live with your shit anymore. There's no screaming or fighting or drinking here-- Okay, there's a little bit of drinking, but-- but I never wake up to find my father passed out on the couch. You don't own me anymore, I'm legal and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and treats me with respect. Eat shit and die, Dad. Go to hell.

Lou: I mean apologies don't mean shit to a teenage girl. You gotta take a beating if you wanna win her back.

Tommy: What do you mean, like take a beating, take a beating?

Lou: Take a beating, take a beating. You're gonna have to go over there, mix it up with him, but this time, you don't hit first. You gotta get him so pissed at you that he really, really just wants to kill you, you know, so just be yourself. And then you take the beating like the little bitch that you are. Daddy's little girl kneels by your side, tears, all of a sudden, he's the shit heel, you're the victim, get a little of that sympathy goin' your way.

Tommy: Eh, I don't know if I can do that, Lou.

Lou: Yeah, you can. Do it for Colleen, I'll go with you, it'll be fun.

Kenny: Oh, please, the word 'sex' just makes me wanna crawl into a hole and die.

Mike: Why the nun still goin' full steam?

Kenny: Gentlemen, if you ever get the chance of becoming romantically involved with a nun, brace yourself. All those years she was saving herself for the Lord, not indulging in sex, well, when that dam breaks and it breaks in a big way. Its like a tsunami, only instead of water, you get hit with sex. Exotic positions, rubbing, touching, sucking, probing--

Tommy: [walks in] The tsunami speech again?

Kenny: I mean, the wave just keeps coming, destroying everything in it's path. Oh, what I wouldn't give for two hours of straight sleep.

Tommy: [Nona kisses Tommy] Whoa, that's fast. Uh… it's just that we haven't--- uh….

Nona: Are you wiggin' out because I carried you out of the fire? Because it's my job.

Tommy: Well, it's not really your job. I mean, you're a volunteer.

Nona: And that's makin' it harder for you, isn't it?

Tommy: I-I uh… I-I'll be completely honest with you. … I just think that it would be so much more special if we… just you know, waited.

Nona: Get out of my truck.

Tommy: Wh--?

Nona: No, no, really. Get out of my truck.

Tommy: No, no, but I'm serious.

Nona: Yeah, are you gay? You're gay.

Tommy: I'm -- I'm gay my wife is right up--

Nona: Oh, whatever, princess. Just get out. I'll call 'ya, but not after 11. I wouldn't wanna upset your mom.

Pussified [4.04]

Janet: Oh my God, this is it. This is the end of the line.

Tommy: W-W-What?

Janet: Yeah, no. I've heard about this. Tommy, you have never not gotten it up for me.

Tommy: Honey... Honey, I just need to uh... what?

Janet: Tommy, I get wet, you get hard. You get hard, I get wet. That's the deal. That's been the deal for 20 something years. It may as well been our marriage vows.

Sean: Do you mind if I stay with you for a couple of days?

Mike: Why?

Sean: Well, you've been feelin' kind of bad, and y'know, you're all alone it that big house. I thought it might be kinda scary for 'ya. Thought maybe I'd come and hang out with 'ya, lift your spirits a little.

Mike: That's really cool, Sean. I forgot what a good friend you can be.

Sean: Yeah. Plus, I might be getting a divorce.

Franco: I'm just looking for a positive take on marriage, but apparently I'm out of luck, huh?

Tommy: No, actually, you're not. I'm the perfect guy for you right now. I know, I know, I know. I mean, all these years I've been talking about Janet about how crazy she is and how illogical and nonsensical, and how she... never ever is gonna be satisfied with everything.

Franco: Yeah.

Tommy: It turns out I was right. Yeah, but it's not just her. It's pretty much all woman. That's what I-- Yeah, but the problem is, I was approaching it the wrong way, yeah. I was thinking about you know, me and sex-- By the way, the sex thing is the key... sex really has nothing to do with marriage. Tits, ass, sex... just throw that out the window. The key stuff is... listening. You gotta be able to listen, and have long conversations that-- that you remember, um... hugging.

Franco: Hugging?

Tommy: Yeah, hugging's a big one. Buying furniture. And what's the other one? Oh, spooning. Yeah.

Franco: Okay. Now, let me get this straight: You, Tommy Gavin, one of the all-time, hall of fame type, pussy hounds in the history of the FDNY, in my opinion, you are tellin' me that I should forget about ass, forget about tits, forget about sex and focus on... uh... caring and sharing and listening and... hugging, and uh...

Tommy: Spooning.

Franco: Right. I mean, this what's making your marriage work?

Tommy: Yep. That and the fact that my dick doesn't apparently work with any other women. [sighs] It really sucks. But, you know, if I were you, I'd pull the trigger as fast I can, pal. Get yourself hitched.

Lou: Mikey, what the hell's the matter with you? Are you okay? Mikey?

Mike: Lou, I'm a grown man and I-I don't even know how to use a dryer. She did everything for me, you know, guys. And I never even thanked her. I mean, I thanked her, like you know, I said 'thanks, mom', but they were just words. I didn't really mean it, you know, I just said it so she'd do it again. Like make my bed, or cook me breakfast, or pick out my clothes... Lou, you make one gay joke and I swear.

Lou: Mikey, I'm not gonna make a gay joke.

Mike: What, then? [Kenny hugs him, and the Mike walks off]

Tommy: I can't believe you uh, didn't make one gay joke during that whole little monologue.

Lou: Well, Jesus, Tom. The kid just lost his mother, you know? Can we not give him a little bit of time.

Tommy: Alright, so, first thing tomorrow morning...

Lou: Oh, yeah. We attack him at dawn.

Tommy: Alright. How many gay jokes do you think you have?

Lou: Oh, I got a dozen right in the back of my mind.

Franco: Jesus Christ, Jerry. Shit. I mean, there's no other way?

Lou: You know, you just don't get it, Franco.

Sean: No, you're damn right we don't, Lou. I mean, come on.

Lou: You know why? You know why you don't get it? Because you're young and the future is your friend, you know, and your eyes work and your cocks work, and the way you guys think you're gonna be on the job forever, and it don't work that way, boys.

Sean: Okay, so if I get a little older, a little sick, I should just kill myself? Is that what I'm supposed to do?

Lou: You know what? It was Jerry's life and he was unhappy and he made a choice. And obviously it was a pretty severe choice, but you wanna know somethin'? I give the guy all the respect I have for going out on his own terms.

Franco: Yeah, well, I don't. I think he was a goddamn coward.

Lou: Watch it, Franco.

Franco: I'm just sayin' how I feel, Lou.

Lou: [to Tommy]' Do you hear this shit?

Tommy: Yeah, except that I kinda agree with him.

Lou: Well, then screw you, too.

Tommy: Well, he was a coward. He was afraid. Afraid of workin' behind that desk down at down at headquarters for the next five or--

Sean: Oh, come on, Tom. That's your excuse--

Tommy: Shut up, asshole! What do you got eight years on the job? (Sean goes to say something) Shut up! Christ almighty. You know how much he hated being the Chief, huh? Watching us run into jobs while he stood outside, but he did it. You know why? So he could teach assholes like, (points to Sean and Franco) you and you what the job was really about. When he was working up in the Bronx, when the Bronx was burning, huh? You ever hear about those days, huh? They'd get 10, 12, 14 jobs a night! Shithead. He ran into a job up on 279th street, he pulled three kids in wheelchairs out in somethin' like 15 minutes. You know why? Because the rest of his crew was busy bringing old people out. There was an old storage warehouse fire up there one night and the Chief on the job that night shut the job down because it was 'too hot for humans'. You know what Jerry did? He ran around the side of the building, went in the side door, pulled out two drunken assholes, ends up the two same assholes who started the goddamn fire! And he was working then, without a mask, running in and out of the building with a cigar danglin' out of his mouth. You wanna talk about being brave and who's a coward and who's not a coward? Suck my cock. You wanna talk about brave? When he was workin' up in the Bronx, he used up all the goddamn brave he had.

Black [4.05]

Tommy: It's not you, okay? It's uh... It's uh, I've been, uh, since around the time that you pulled me out of that fire, I was having the same problem with this chick I was seein' then.

Nona: Oh, good.

Tommy: And it's just become this whole mental thing, I just-- I mean, normally, I'm tellin' 'ya a strong breeze could get me hard.

Nona: Oh, good. Let's open the window, then.

Tommy: [on the phone] Listen, you gotta give me a second chance here, okay?

Nona: I need a man to handle me the way I handled you last night, okay?

Tommy: Okay, you know what, I was planning on doing plenty of man handling but when we got inside that truck, you were like a crazed animal, you grabbed me, you ripped my shirt open, I- I just kinda-- I was just following in your wake, you know? You were throwing me around like I was a rag doll, treating me like I was some kind of sex toy. At that one point when you flung me from the back seat of the truck to the front seat, I-- I mean, my neck almost snapped in half. I really--

Nona: Look, Tommy, I don't wanna hear about death and feelings and penis problems. Look, I wanna be used, I wanna be ignored, I wanna be taken for granted.

Tommy: There are no penis problems, okay? And I'm telling you something, when it comes to using and ignoring those are like two of my best things. And takin' chicks for granted? I'm the king of takin' chicks for granted. I mean, ask my wife, ask Sheila, okay? She'll tell 'ya.

Nona: Ugh. Good bye, Tommy. [hangs up]

Lou: I love you Teresa. You're really important to me, you know, but the way things have been going... I mean, anything that we do with our clothes on, it-- it just feels like filler until we get into bed. ... Or into the shower, or on top of the kitchen table, or... in the alley behind the building. I just-- I think we owe it to each other to put the sex on hold, and lets see what we really have. And to safeguard against the very real possibility that without a breather, my dick's gonna snap off like a twig.

Teresa: I love you, too, honey.

Franco: [after they are told they can't have anything with sexual, racial, religious, or ethnic themes in their lockers] Look, now I don't know about you guys, but I need naked chick pictures in my locker, alright? You know, I come back from a job and I'm thinking about rubbing one out in the shower. Looking at an American flag ain't gonna grease the rails, you know what I mean? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the American flag, but I'm used to saluting it, not jerkin' off to it.

Sean: Whoa, wait a second. You're jerkin' off in this shower here?

Franco: Sometimes.

Tommy: I'm buyin' flip flops, like six pairs.

Sean: [about Jerry's ashes] You know, what if it's not really the Chief in there?

Lou: You know, the kid's got a point. I mean, it's ashes, for all we know it could be Anna Nicole Smith.

Tommy: Well, does silicone burn?

Lou: Not in that quantity.

Balance [4.06]

Sheila: All women play mind games about sex.

Tommy: S-so, when you told me that I was the best...

Sheila: Depends on the night.

Tommy: An-And what about that time, you told me that, I-I lasted the longest?

Sheila: Also depends on the night.

Tommy: And that whole thing about me being the biggest?

Sheila: Oh, well that part was true. [Tommy's expression changes] See how easy that is?

Tommy: [after Sheila drives up in a Porsche] Mid life crisis much?

Sheila: Oh, shit. I don't need to reach mid-life to have a crisis. That kicked in after the time I lost my virginity.

Tommy: Let me fill you in on little somethin' about the bible. The bible is to the Catholic church what The Godfather is to the mafia, y'know? Yeah, the catholic church is the most corrupt organization on the face of the planet. I did 12 years in that... penal system, y'know? All these gangsters walk around, thinkin' they run the world at any moment in time. You know, like Gotti, Gambino, Gasilano, y'know, whoever. They all learn the same lesson, though. At any given time on this planet, the biggest gangster is always the pope.

Tommy: Where's her lunch?

Janet: Oh, yeah, I forgot that this morning, but she can just grab something at school.

Katy: The food at school tastes like poo.

Janet: Well, how would you know what poo tastes like?

Katy: I use my imagination.

Tommy: Okay, do me a favor. Use your imagination for something a little more constructive, like, reading or writing, okay? [hands her money] Okay, have a good day. Say good bye to your brother.

Katy: He smells like poo.

Tommy: He's supposed to smell like poo, he's a baby.

Tommy: [to Black Shawn] You know what? Let me tell you something. If you were working the morning of 9/11 you'd feel the same way as me, okay. I don't care who you believe in, whether it's God or Allah or Mohammad or L. Ron Hubbard, okay? Whoever was supposed to be in charge that morning, was managing the master plan, he showed his cards that morning, he doesn't give a shit, okay?

Seven [4.07]

Needles: [after they come back from the fire that killed 7 kids] You know, a lot of us, me included, you know, we say that the heros are the guys who don't make it back to the house. But tonight, you're my goddamn heroes. That was a ball buster, and everyone of 'ya did what you were supposed to do. Includin' the new guy. I'm goddamn proud to be workin' with a crew like this. Any minute that alarm is gonna go and we will have to make run because some fat broad got her big ass stuck in a tub or some asshole went off the rails on some west side highway. He's all banged up, but he's still alive because he's as high as a goddamn kite. We are gonna answer those calls the same way we answered this one tonight. We lost the war, gentlemen. If anybody needs me, I'm gonna be in my office... I'm gonna call my wife and kids and have a nice big mug of Jack Daniels.

Mickey: [on the phone] So, I saw the baby fire in the news.

Tommy: Jesus Christ. The baby fire? They're still callin' it the baby fire, I guess. You know, why don't they call it the '16 appliances plugged into one wall socket fire', how about that, huh?

Mickey: Yeah, I know, Tom. I'm just sayin' what they're sayin.

Tommy: Or how about 'God doesn't really give a shit about poor black kid's fire', how about that name, huh? It's unbelievible to me, it really is. What was God thinkin' here, Mick? What do you think? What did he have in mind?

Mickey: We don't know. Maybe he was showin' his mercy, maybe he was savin' these kids from a fate far worse down the line somewhere. Either way, it's out of our hands.

Tommy: Well, lemme tell 'ya somethin', okay? We carried those goddamn kids out in our goddamn hands because their moron parents plugged in faulty space heaters because they were tryin' to keep warm, 'cause their shit-ass landlords were too cheap to keep the goddamn heat on. God had nothin' to do with it, okay? God doesn't even venture into the equation, okay? But according to your theory, I guess God had Connor run over by a drunk driver, why? So he can spare him the fate, of maybe having cancer of the ass when he was 42 years old? Is that what's goin' on, Mick?

Mickey: Or maybe because of his DNA he becomes a raging alcoholic and gets behind the wheel with a load on and runs over somebody else's innocent kid 15 years from now. Maybe that's what's happenin'. Did you ever think of that, huh? Tom? ... Tom?

Tommy: Yeah. Nobody knows nothin', Mick. Not until it happens.

Mickey: You're wrong. Everything happens for a reason.

Mike: I still feel so bad. Her cheating on you... with me... that bitch.

Lou: Well, you know, it's not the first time she cheated on anyone.

Mike: So, she's done it before?

Lou: She was a nun when I met her so technically, you know, she was married to Jesus.

Mike: I guess that makes you the other man. [laughs] That's a mighty impressive takeaway on your part.

Lou: Yeah, well, I'm real proud about that. Even if it means I'm takin' the express train to hell.

Mike: But look, it was worth it, right?

Lou: No, not really. ... You know, I mean, you're family, Mike. That's what's important, you know, family, that... that unbreakable bond. And I'm willing to forgive and forget.

Mike: Bros before hoes, right?

Lou: Bros before hoes.

Mike: Now, let's get shitfaced and make it official.

Lou: [during a timeout, to the basketball team] 'Kay, guys let's huddle up. Yeah, I got nothin' to say, 'cause you guys are playing like the goddamn Celtics out there, it's just amazing. I mean, the Larry Bird, 1980's championship Celtics, okay? I mean, I got no notes, you know. So, what I think we should do, just to make things look better, I'm gonna draw a giant vagina on this little board here. While I'm doing that, you guys all make it look like I'm drawin' some sort of stratgy, okay? Instead of the giant kind of, vagina that I'm drawing, y'know, which really is the point of all this. I mean, really the reason why you play sports is to meet girls. So, what I want you to is, look at this giant black and white vagina that I'm drawing here, and then I want you to go out and I want you to score another 55 points, so we can all get laid and we can all make more money.

Teresa: Oh, wait. There's just one more thing. I'm gonna need to get my handcuffs, and my whip and my leather lingerie back. Also, the box of edible panties would be great.

Lou: I um... I ate all the edible panties.

Teresa: You ate the panties... Great. [walks off]

Franco: Chocolate flavored?

Lou: Yeah, and vanilla and strawberry. I had a Neapolitan thing goin'.

Solo [4.08]

Tommy: You're tryin' to get me to date the Chief's daughter, aren't you?

Lou: No!

Tommy: Yes!

Lou: No!

Tommy: Yes!

Lou: Yes.

Tommy: Yes.

Lou: Yes, I am. Yeah, look it's a career move, Tom. Number one, you're takin' out the Chief's goddamn daughter, okay? Number two, you're gettin' my ass out of the fire. Number three, you're winning very valuable brownie points with Lou. Okay, look, I know I owe you 5 grand from the Great Lou Depression of last year. If you take her back, I will pay you back 7 grand. [Tommy moves closer to him] You take her out and I'm gonna give you back, 7,500 dollars. [Tommy moves closer] I'm gonna give you-- Aw, Christ, Tommy, you know I don't have that kinda money. Why don't you say something?

Tommy: He asked you first, didn't he?

Lou: No!

Tommy: Yes!

Lou: No!

Tommy: Yes.

Lou: Yes!

Tommy: Yes, yes. Yeah, I knew. I knew. Yeah.

Tommy: [on the phone] Hey.

Lou: Hey, how's it goin'?

Tommy: She hasn't ordered any food, okay?

Lou: Oh, that's perfect. She's a cheap date. Cheaper than Sherry Feldman.

Tommy: Yeah, okay. She's also a repeater.

Lou: She farts a lot?

Tommy: I mean, every time I say somethin' she repeats it back to me, okay?

Lou: Tom, that's perfect. All you gotta say is 'I'd like to take you to my car and blow you', and she repeats it back, and you say 'yes', bingo!

Mike: When's Tommy comin' back?

Lou: Why?

Mike: Because it's not like him to call in sick. Whenever I do, he calls me a pussy.

Lou: Well, number 1, you are a pussy. Number 2, he's fine, a little stomach virus.

Mickey: [seeing the destruction in the apartment] Holy shit. What is this?

Tommy: Janet and I got into a little bit of a thing.

Mickey: You were drinkin', or...?

Tommy: No, no. Jesus, no.

Mickey: Listen, I know your marriage is kinda goin' south but...

Tommy: No, no, no. This isn't the marriage, no, no. She-- She had... That was about the marriage. The table and the kitchen. And then, she split. And then... this fire uh.. you know, broke out in the bedroom, so you know, I tried to go in the main door and that was uh... I couldn't get in there. [motions to the hole in the wall and door] So, I tried going through here, to put it out, but as it turns out once I got through the wall, there... there was no fire.

Mickey: Time for a meetin'.

Tommy: Yeah. Lemme... Lemme just put the axe away.

Alicia: What do I look like to you?

Franco: Well, you look fantastic.

Alicia: No, I don't mean how do I look, I mean what do I look like? Do you see a door when you look at me? I mean, a door that you're just gonna go through to escape? You know, I'm not some random means of destruction to end your relationship because you don't have the balls to do it yourself. I'm not gonna be used that way.

Franco: I'm not usin' you, Alicia. I love you.

Alicia: Oh, don't say that.

Franco: I do. I love you.

Alicia: You don't know what you're talking about.

Franco: So, now you're sayin' what I feel isn't real?

Alicia: Not what you feel. You have to make some choices.

Animal [4.09]

Tommy: [to Mike] You gotta look on the bright side. At least your mom died before you did, y'know, that's a natural course of events, y'know. Know what I'm sayin'? Parents are supposed to die before their kids, that was one of the things that was so screwed up about 9/11, y'know? All these guys... doin' the right thing, and dyin', parents havin' to bury 'em. It's not right. Besides, I'm sure your mom was a pain in the ass half the time anyways, half the time she probably called 'ya, you probably looked at your phone, and left it to go to voice mail, right? Because you didn't wanna talk to her. ... As much as I love my wife, same thing, man. Sometimes, y'know, we separate, arrange a schedule so y'know, we didn't have to see each other, except in passing at a couple weeks at a time, and then you see 'em for a coupla hours and you start to get all those great feelings back... and a couple days later, you hate 'em again. But at least she died before you did, 'cause I'll tell 'ya what, there's nothin' worse than burying your kid. I did it, y'know? ... I remember after 9/11, when the found Jimmy, what was it like, 3 weeks later? They-- they pulled his body out, after the funeral we were havin' a party or whatever, and my Aunt Bridy, his mother was havin' a rough time, and my cousin Norrine, his sister was tryin' to help her along, and she said y'know, ma the only thing that's gonna help this go away is time. I'll never forget when my Aunt Bridy said, she said 'I'm 77 years old, I don't have enough time.' It's the truth. I could live to be 106, I'm not gonna get over Connor. And he was a real pain in the ass that morning, he was ridin' that bike, in between cars, I was tryin' to fix the truck... but I got two healthy kids... and of all I've said about my wife, she's been a great mother, y'know? There's a lot to be said for that, y'know? A lot.

Franco: You know, you were right, sweetheart. Seein' Alicia made me realize that I love you more, and you're the one that I'm meant to be with. And now that I got Keela--

Natalie: More?

Franco: Yeah.

Natalie: More?

Franco: Yeah, right. I-I love you more than ever.

Natalie: So, you love me more.

Franco: No, baby, I love you only.

Natalie: But, I mean, like how close was it? Did I beat her by a half length or was it a photo finish?

Franco: Nat, it's done. This is good news, please, just take the ring back.

Natalie: No, you take it back and take all your shit with you while you're at it.

Franco: Don't do this, Nat. You're the one who told me to go see her, okay? We just agreed that honest is the best policy, right?

Natalie: No.

Franco: Baby, don't.

Natalie: No, I am not your baby anymore. I'm gonna take a long walk, be gone when I get back.

Mickey: We just want you to know, that everybody is in this room because we love you. And feel like you're slippin' away. And so, you know, if you just take a moment, we've all written down some things and we'd like you to just listen with an open mind... to--

Maggie: Wait, is this like one of those intervention thingys?

Mickey: Yeah.

Maggie: I'll do it.

Tommy: You'll do it?

Maggie: Yeah. I'm tired of this shit. Waking up god knows, with god knows who, havin' done god knows what, feelin' like an atomic bomb went off inside my skull. I'm finished. Box me up and ship me to rehab.

Mickey: Okay!

...

Sean: I have a stack of notebooks here, I didn't even get to say my piece.

John Sr.: I'm with the kid, I have grievances to air.

Maggie: Oh, blow it out your ass, old man. I am not gonna give you the satisfaction.

Teddy: So, what are you people tryin' to say?

Tommy: You gotta get off the sauce, Teddy. You gotta quit drinkin'.

Teddy: This is comin' from you? Look at this place, look at your life! Does being sober make your life any easier?

Tommy: Not really, but--

Teddy: Well, there you go.

Tommy: Hey, it's a process. It's a one day at a time type of thing. You do one day at a time, then two days, then turn days into weeks, and weeks into months, and gradually, slowly, it goes from being shitty, to being good, to eventually, being uh... great, right?

Mickey: Right, great.

Eddie: So, what do you say, Teddy, you gonna get some help?

Teddy: Uh, no.

Eddie: Teddy doesn't wanna go to rehab, but he does wanna get better. Mick, you still gonna take him to meetings?

Mickey: Yeah, sure.

Maggie: I mean, shit, we got enough drunks in this room, to start our own meetings.

Tommy: That's not a bad idea.

Mickey: There's no reason we can't.

Tommy: No, right?

Mickey: Sure.

Eddie: I'm not a drunk. [Maggie laughs]

Tommy: Yeah, okay. We could do it Monday, Wednesday...

Eddie: Except I'm not a drunk!

John Sr.: This from a guy who drank a bottle of brandy, and drove his car into his laundromat.

Eddie: Hey, that was three years ago, and it was snowing.

Tommy: Yeah, it was the weather.

High [4.10]

John Sr.: As far as I'm concerned, God was your mother. The way she raised you kids, the love she showed you. The way she helped you overcome all the stuff that scared the shit outta 'ya. The height thing, the bee thing, your mother was a saint.

Tommy: What heights thing? I'm not afraid of heights. What are you talkin' about? I'm a goddamn fireman for Christ's sake, I'm up on the ladder, up in the bucket every other goddamn day.

John Sr.: No, not now, thanks to her. Christ, she couldn't even put you in a highchair. But she cured 'ya, she took you up on the roof, held you over the side, and tickled you with her nose, the next thing you know, you were begging her to throw you up in the air.

Tommy: What was the bee thing?

John Sr.: You're deathly afraid of them. You used to wear a wool hat in the summer so they wouldn't bite you on the head. I don't think you ever got over that. There's one now.

Tommy: [startles and looks around] Where?

John Sr.: [laughs] Gotcha.

Tommy: [on the phone] Hey, how 'ya doin'?

Mike: The knee's still really sore, but I feel better, a lot better.

Tommy: Yeah? What are you doin'?

Mike: [eating ice cream] Uh, nothin'. Ju-- Just chillin'.

Tommy: Doin' what?

Mike: Nothin'.

Tommy: You're mopin', aren't 'ya?

Mike: No, I'm not mopin'.

Tommy: You're havin' a giant mope-fest over there, aren't 'ya?

Mike: No, I- I was just readin'.

Tommy: You're reading? That guarantees me that you're mopin'. Here's what I want you to do, when they were bringin' me down off the fire escape, the other night by your place, I noticed down the block there's like a bar/cafe thing. I want you to put away the ice cream, yeah, yeah, I know you're eating ice cream, yeah. That which guarantees again, moping. I want you to put on somethin' nice, go down there and meet somebody, alright? Preferably a girl.

Sean: Hey, check it out, look what Shawn found.

Black Shawn: Antique lamp, totally untouched by the fire or smoke.

Franco: Pretty cool, huh?

Lou: Hand it over, you mugs. [they hand it to him] Alright, three things, okay? This is private property, which means it belongs to someone, which means it has memories and emotions attached to it, it could possibly be a family heirloom. Second, taking private property from the scene of the fire, damaged or not, okay? Is against department regulations.

Franco: What's the third thing, Lou?

Lou: It looks like it's a reading lamp from a bedside table, which means there's probably another one exactly like it lying around, if you could find that and bring it directly to me, I'd appreciate it. [they all turn to go look for it] Thank you.

Tommy: You know what, that's gonna go real nice with that headboard that you got out of the furniture warehouse fire last year.

Lou: It's the fun side of being a boss.

Lou: [discussing whether or not he should have sex with his cousin Mike's girlfriend as revenge for his cousin having sex with Teresa] There's only one problem: She's black.

Tommy: Are we talkin' Halle Berry black, or Jennifer Hudson black?

Lou: Aretha Franklin black.

Tommy: Holy shit.

Lou: Now, not to say I have anything against black women, I think they happen to be very, very beautiful, it's not a racial thing at all.

Tommy: No, no, no. Nobody's talkin' about nobody's skin color or anything. Lemme ask you this, can she sing?

Lou: How the hell do I know?

Tommy: Well, I'm just askin' because sometimes a talent in one area can overcome or take the edge off a lack of talent in the other area.

Lou: Did I also mention that she's fat?

Tommy: Oh, she's fat? How fat?

Lou: I mean, she'd have to be able to sing, dance, paint, and figure skate just to take the edge off, and even then there'd be a lot of edge left.

Tommy: Okay, you know what? You'd have to be psychologically damaged, or maybe have a dent in your head to even think about possibly having sex with somebody under those particular circumstances.

Lou: You think?

Tommy: Yeah, I think so.

Lou: [pause] I'm thinkin' the sooner the better.

Tommy: Yeah, maybe tomorrow, just to get right back him.

Mickey: Alright, guys, the truth of the matter is, if you don't believe in some higher power, trusting something higher than yourself, you're gonna wind up counting days. You know, believe me, I was a priest, okay? And I find more god in these rooms, even this room than I ever did working for the church, y'know? Y'know, the ability to share your sins with other sinners, that's what's gonna get you through. Even, let's say, two minutes after we walk out of this apartment Tommy goes into the kitchen and opens up a kitchen cabinet and finds a brand spankin' new bottle of Maker's Mark, if he has faith and trust, he won't drink it.

Teddy: Holy shit.

Mickey: What?

Teddy: There's a bottle of Maker's Mark in one of these cabinets? [Elle smacks him] Ow! Goddamn it!

Cycle [4.11]

Teddy: [as they are making a list of people they've hurt with their drinking] You're shittin' me, right?

Maggie: What?

Teddy: My name's not in your top three?

Maggie: Excuse me. How have I hurt you with my drinkin'? Give me one for instance.

Teddy: I had to leave the firehouse to come get you from that club from downtown. You puked all over the inside of my Cordova.

Maggie: You know, I was 14 years old and that was the first time I ever drank!

Teddy: All the more reason why I should be number one.

Maggie: Am I on your list?

Teddy: For what?

Maggie: Christmas, '86. You grabbed my left tit, Teddy!

Teddy: First of all, it was a slight graze. Second of all, I drank half a bowl of eggnog that night, through a straw! Third of all, most important of all, I would never, ever do such a thing.

Sean: Hey, guys, I'm dyin', whoo! I can barely keep my eyes open, I got hammered last night. Those Long Island Iced Teas really do a number on 'ya, you know? Brutal. [Tommy and Kenny go to walk away] Hey, you wanna know how many I had? Two... and a half. Yeah, you know, it was hardcore, you know where I woke up this morning? My couch. It's pretty goddamn embarrassing, you know? I think I might have a problem.

Tommy: I have been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. [hands him a pamphlet]

Sean: What's that?

Tommy: It's a little thing we like to call the 20 questions. It's from Alcoholics Anonymous, it's kinda like a booze exam if you'd like to take it.

Sean: Okay. [reads questions from it] 'Is drinking making your home life unhappy?' It's mostly her drinking, so no. 'Do you drink because your shy with other people?' No. 'Is drinking affecting your reputation?' No. No. No. No. Why are you supposed to have yes' for this? Because if it's no's I'm gonna ace this thing.

Tommy: Lou.

Lou: One time in the not so distant future my cousin Mike and I are gonna take out drinking. And if we notice you like to drink and get drunk and drink to excess, and if you pass the Shea cousin's drinking exam, then you will be called an alcoholic.

Sean: Why's that?

Lou: Because we're all alcoholics, functioning yes, but blazin' alky's all the same.

Tommy: [about taking the Chief's daughter on a date] What if she gets interested?

Lou: Well, then you give her the whole: 'Look, I'm a mess, you're so great, and I can't give you what you need. So, I'm gonna have to do the horrible thing and walk away and think about you for the rest of my life, especially when I masturbate.'

Tommy: Yeah the famous Lou end to the relationship line.

Colleen: [about Wyatt] He kept me up all night last night, and I couldn't find a babysitter so I had to miss Tony's gig.

Tommy: Yeah, well, welcome to babyland. This is what it's like. You're finally learning, you're not ready, okay?

Colleen: My own kid will be completely different.

Tommy: Oh, really? How's that?

Colleen: 'Cause I will actually be in love with my own baby.

Tommy: Oh, right, right. Love. I forgot, you're an expert on love.

Colleen: Like you know. Like you're an expert on that.

Tommy: I do know. I am an expert on love. I know enough to tell you this, you the two of yous, what's his name?

Colleen: Tony.

Tommy: Tony, okay? You think you're in love but one of these days, the two of 'ya, are gonna wake up and one of 'ya's, maybe both of 'ya's at the same time are gonna look at the other and say, 'you know what, I'm outta here.' You know, you're 18 years old, he's your first boyfriend.

Colleen: Okay, well, you met mom in high school and she was 16.

Tommy: Okay, you know what? We... we didn't start having sex until, you know, later.

Colleen: She was pregnant with me before she even graduated.

Tommy: Right. We fell in love, and then we had sex, that's-- that's how it happened. It was real love. It wasn't this, y'know, Fake Babyhead, lead singer, rock and roll love. What? Listen to me, I know what I'm talkin' about. I wasn't the lead singer in a band, okay? I had a real job.

Tommy: [about the Jetta] You got any keys?

Impound Guy: Yeah. [hands him a screwdriver]

Tommy: You're kiddin' me.

Impound Guy: Well, look on the bright side, if you lose it, there's 200 just like it at TruValue.

Keefe [4.12]

Black Shawn: Listen, man, real talk, deep down, you hate Tommy Gavin.

Mike: I do?

Black Shawn: Yeah, because he's taught you everything you know about being a firefighter and the fact that he's had to save your sorry ass on more than one occasion, but deep down, despite the fact that he's an ego-maniacal self-centered son of a bitch, you wanna be just like 'em. Yeah, you wanna be Tommy Gavin. You wanna be exactly what you hate, and that's some sad shit.

Mike: Screw you, Probie!

Girl: [about Tony, Colleen's boyfriend] You know, he can't even read music.

Tommy: Really?

Girl: Yeah. But, neither could John Lennon, by the way.

Tommy: Yeah. [to himself] Where's Mark David Chapman when you need 'em?

Tommy: [about Colleen] She kicked me in the shins, three times. Unbelievable.

Lou: Tom, quick suggestion.

Tommy: Yeah.

Lou: If you wanna take steps to really, really improve your relationship with your daughter, not to mention your soon to be ex-wife, two words: shin guards.

Yaz [4.13]

Lou: Baseball and life, one and the same. Everybody says that life is too short. Like, unless you get cancer, hit by a bus, or set on fire takes forever. Just like Baseball. Its a series of long, mind boggling boring stretches of time where absolutely nothing happens. So, anything can happen. Then, next to a little while, when that crisp crack bat hitting the ball, so crisp you can almost smell the wood burning. Jolts you awake and you open your eyes to see something so exciting and intricate. Possibly very, very meaningful has just happened. But you missed it because you were just so god damn bored in the first place. Couple hot dogs, throw in some beers, the occasional blow job and that's that.