Sourced

• I got jury duty … and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?
  • The Conan O'Brien Show (11 July 2001) The network and O'Brien apologized for airing this statement, Silverman did not, stating that it was plainly satirizing the racist thought process.

• I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.
  • To Courtney Love on her Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson (14 August 2005)

• I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
  • To Pamela Anderson on the Comedy Central Roast (14 August 2005)

• Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believe it was the blacks.
  • The New Yorker (24 October 2005)

• I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
  • Rolling Stone (3 November 2005)

• I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be difficult to conceive – it can be dangerous. The best time to conceive is when you're a black teenager.
  • Rolling Stone (3 November 2005)

• Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!
  • MTV Video Music Awards (9 September 2007)

• This song brings me back … I was brutally raped to this song.
  • In response to the DJ playing Motley Crue's "Girls Girls Girls" as her intro. Holllywood Improv

• I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus' words have become so perverted over time – it's been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin' kill himself.
  • Interview with boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel for Esquire magazine (January 2007).

Jesus Is Magic (2005)

• I love you more than bears love honey,
  I love you more than Jews love money,
  I love you more than Asians are good at math.
  I love you even if it's not hip,
  I love you more than black guys don't tip,
  I love you like Puerto Ricans need baths.
  • Satirical song

• A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis. And I thought, "Oh my God – I'm turning into my mother!"

• I dated a guy who was half-black, but he dumped me because I'm such a loser. Wow, I shouldn't say things like that, I'm such a pessimist … he's actually half-white.

• I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

• I saw my father's penis once. But it was okay, because I was soooo young … and sooo drunk.

• I want to get an abortion. But my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.

• I've sued my manager for sexual harassment. And it's real hard, and a big strain on me. Because he hasn't done anything.

• I was raped by a doctor … which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

• I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes because – I'm Jewish – but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute, the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions.

  The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, "Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!"

• The writers of "Sanford and Son" were so brave in bringing their program to television. I mean, working with all those black people!

• When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS – make lemon-AIDS!

• I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, [in a gruff male voice] "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but [flattered smile] he was talking about me!

• People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am – I'm white!

• On the law that requires women to wait twenty-four hours before they are permitted to have an abortion: I think it's a good law. The other day I wanted to go get an abortion. I really wanted an abortion, but then I thought about it and it turned out I was just thirsty.

• The Holocaust would never had happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

The Sarah Silverman Program

• Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know … because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years … but younger black women are prostitutes.

• I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating (but what are you gonna say?).

• [Sarah holds up an egg] This is AIDS. AIDS is as real as an egg.

• If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

• I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

Sarah: If you really are a ghost, why aren't you talking like thi-i-i-s-s?

Ghost: That is a crude stereotype. Talking like that to a ghost is like saying the N-word to a black person.

Sarah: Well, interrupting a Jewish person while she's urinating is like saying the Holocaust never happened, so I guess we're e-e-e-v-e-e-n.

Sarah: Oh! Tig! How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Tig: … I don't know.

Sarah: Oh …

[Tig Leaves]

Steve: She should know that.

Laura: I think it's three.

[After Sarah crashes her car]

Officer Jay: Do you know how many fingers I'm holding up?

Sarah: Uh, this much [Sarah showing two middle fingers].

Police: Do you know why I'm standing here?

Sarah: You got all C's in high school?

Police: Ma'am, are you drunk?

Sarah: Oh no, I was driving and got tired and thought this would be a good place to stop.

[She's in a playground during a kid's birthday party]

Unsourced

• So I live in this apartment that's disgusting – it's really dirty. And the kitchen floor is, like, sticky. And I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some, uh, slippers.

• This is not the first time that Europe has been passive while a Jew-hating tyrant with a weird looking mustache killed the people by giving them gas. [Pause] Obviously I'm talking about Chef Boyardee.
  • On the US-Iraq war of 2003

• I've had an abortion – sorry, abortions, or is it aborti?
  • Hammersmith Apollo, 19th October 2008

• I was at a fundraiser for Barack Obama in Los Angeles and I wanted to have a really smart question to ask when I met him, so I wandered over and said, "Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, Massachusetts did you encounter racism in any form?" And his answer was really profound. He said, "I'm Kanye West." So I said, "I'm Kanye West, we're all Kanye West." I got it.
  • Hammersmith Apollo, 19th October 2008

• [To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not Born Again Christian … oh! Pathological liar.