Directed by Brian Dannelly. Written by Brian Dannelly and Michael Urban.

Mary

• [voiceover] Veronica was adopted by her parents when they were missionaries in Vietnam. Hilary Faye sees her as an example of God's will triumphing over a savage, Godless nation.

• [to a cross, after discovering she's pregnant] Shit! Fuck! [under her breath] Goddamn.

Hilary Faye

• [to Mary regarding Dean] Come on, you're not born a gay, you're born again.

• {when she crashes her car} "I crashed my van into Jesus!"

Dialogue

Cassandra: So anyways, i finally managed to duct tape a piece of bacon into her locker.

Hilary Faye: Hey Cassandra, how do you feel?

Cassandra: I'm a whole new girl, Hay Faye.

Hilary Faye: I told you! How great is Jesus?

Cassandra: Yeah, about that...I've decided to devote my life to Satan, instead. But thanks!

Mary: I need to tell you guys something.

[Van suddenly haults]

Hilary Faye: Eew.

Veronica: Eew.

Roland: WHAT? Wasn't like it was some kind of secret. The guy was like a one-man gay pride parade.

Pastor Skip: (to Hilary Faye, Veronica and Tia) Listen, I'm concerned about Mary. Something's going on.

Hilary Faye: Yeah, me too.

Pastor Skip: She's part of your posse, and I think that you could help her. I'm gonna need you be a warrior out there in the front line of Jesus.

Tia: You mean like shoot her?

Pastor Skip: (laughs) No, no, no ... I was thinking of something a little less gangsta. I need someone who's spiritually armed to help guide her back to her faith--the love and care that only Jesus can supply. You down with that?

Hilary Faye: Yeah, I'm down with that.

Pastor Skip: She's pretty vulnerable right now, so I'm gonna need you to be extra gentle.

Hilary Faye: [stretches hand toward Mary] In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you, leave the body of this servant of God ...

Mary: You're performing an exorcism on me?!?!? Get off me!

Tia: Where are you going? Get back here!

Hilary Faye: Mary, we've gotta get rid of the evil in you.

Tia: [holding up a picture of Jesus] It's God's will!

Mary: God's will?

Tia: Christ died for your sins!

Hilary Faye: OK, wait a second. [pushes Tia aside] So are you not gonna accept our intervention here?

Mary: You mean kidnapping? No!

Hilary Faye: You are backsliding into the flames of hell.

Veronica: You've become a magnet for sin! We've all witnessed it.

Mary: Sure, Veronica acting all pure--what about last spring break at the Promise Makers' rally, huh?

Hilary Faye: Oh my God ... you are making accusations as we're trying to save your soul? Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you.

Mary: You don't know the first thing about love.

Hilary Faye: I am filled with Christ's love! [throws her Bible at Mary] You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.

Mary: [Mary hands Bible back to Hilary Faye] This is not a weapon, you idiot.

Mary: So, what do you think of the new ride?

Veronica: Oh, you're so lucky, Hilary Faye.

Hilary Faye: Yeah. I could have had a Lexus Gold Edition, you know.

Veronica: Wow. Roland is blessed with such a thoughtful sister. In countries like China, Hilary Faye probably would have been killed at birth.

Hilary Faye: Yeah...and then where would you be, Roland?

Roland: [deadpan] China.

Hilary Faye: You know, smoking isn't just bad for you; it's bad for all of us. Secondhand smoke kills.

Cassandra: I'm counting on it. [throws the lit cigarette at Hilary Faye]

Hilary Faye: [after Roland spills sauce onto her pants] Do you wanna go wait in the van again? Do you know these are new pants! You're handicapped, but get it together.

Cassandra: Hey, Roland, how about we get outta here and you can give me a little spin in that thing? Release his parking brake, Hilary "Fake."

Hilary Faye: [to Cassandra] You smell like Tia's dad, have you been drinking? [camera shows Tia with a sour look on her face]

Cassandra: Hey, isn't that --

Roland: Mary?? What's she doing downtown?

Cassandra: There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood!

Roland: She's planting a pipe bomb!?

Cassandra: Well, two reasons.

Roland: With Dean? I think there's a better chance of that pipe bomb.

Lillian: I keep trying to remind myself that when Jesus closes a door he opens a window.

Mary: Yeah, so we have something to jump out of.

Patrick: Do you wanna go out sometime?

Mary: What, are you gonna take me out on your scooter?

Patrick: Come on. I'm like, totally adorable. Besides, it'd drive Hilary Faye crazy.

Mary: I can't. I'm not...dating right now.

Patrick: What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?

Mary: Good night, Patrick.

Mary: [about the Virgin Mary] I know this is wrong, but do you ever wonder if she just made the whole thing up? I mean, it's a pretty good one. It's not like anyone can ever use virgin birth as an excuse again.

[pause]

Mary: I don't really think she made it up, but I can understand why a girl would.

Mary: Why would Dean's parents send him to a place like that?

Lillian: They probably didn't think they could handle it.

Mary: What do you mean?

Lillian: Well, having a child is like owning a car. I can change the oil, fill the gas tank, take it to a car wash, but if the carburetor broke, I wouldn't have a clue as to how to fix it.

Mary: So, you're saying you'd just send me to a place like Mercy House?

Lillian: Oh, Mary, please don't tell me you're a lesbian!

Mary: Mom...

Lillian: Do I need to worry about you? No. No, you're perfect. I don't have to worry about you.

Mary: [voice-over] My mom just compared me to a car, so me having a baby is definitely under the category of things she couldn't handle.

[Mary is going into labor and is being carried into an ambulance]

Paramedic: I only got room for one of you.

Dean: I'm the father.

Patrick: I'm her boyfriend.

Mitch: [points to Dean] I'm HIS boyfriend.

Paramedic: That's nice, but I've still only got room for one of you.

Lillian: [climbing into the ambulance] Starting the party without me?

[Mary and Lillian are watching a game show]

Lillian: I hate this show. [switches channel]

Announcer on TV: Coming up on Lifetime: Valerie Bertinelli stars in Bitter Harvest, a sensitive portrayal of one woman's struggle with cancer.

Lillian: Oh, this looks good.

[many minutes later]

Valerie Bertinelli: There was a feeling of twilight in the air. All honeydew and lilac. God wasn't just smiling down on me; he was...jumping up and cheering! And then, well...I thought I was pregnant. I'd been throwing up every morning and I hadn't had my period in two months, so I took a home pregnancy test.

Woman, off-camera: What happened?

Valerie Bertinelli: ...found out I wasn't pregnant. It was the cancer.

Mary: She found all that out from a home pregnancy test?

[in the gym; Cassandra and Mary have to help Hilary Faye decorate for prom. Cassandra's hanging a sign on a rafter]

Hilary Faye: You better be wearing underpants this time. No, seriously, move it higher. Higher!

Pastor Skip: Oh, you're doing a great job, Cassandra. It's looking really phat.

Cassandra: [mocking voice] I'm so glad.

Tia: I thought you were going to ask Patrick to the prom.

Hilary Faye: Tia, would you just shut up? Do you want to go back to being invisible girl with bad hair? 'Cause that could easily happen.

Cassandra: You can tacky up prom on your own. I quit!

Hilary Faye: Oh my gosh, you can't quit!

Cassandra: Watch me! Watch me walkin' away! Watch me walkin' away from Jesus!