Seinfeld Quotations

Seinfeld was a television Sitcom about four friends living in New York City, considered to be one of the most popular and influential of the 1990s in the U.S.

The Seinfeld Chronicles (Pilot) [1.1]

Jerry: If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.

Jerry: Men are not subtle — men are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women! It's the only thing we know for sure: we want women! How do we get women? Oh, we don't know that. After that first step, we have no idea. This is why you see men honking their car horns, yelling from construction sites; these are the best ideas we've had so far.

The Stakeout [1.2]

Jerry: I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time. I don't have any money, but I have these... I wrote on these... Is this of any value at all?"

Jerry: So, do you date immature men?

Vanessa: Almost exclusively.

The Robbery [1.3]

Kramer: [Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Jerry, I'm sorry... You have insurance, right?

Jerry: No.

Kramer: How could you not have insurance?

Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Klapco D29! It's the most unpenetrable lock in the market today! It has only one design flaw. The door... must be closed!

Jerry: Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up; he's dressed like a penguin. We can find him; he's a penguin!"

Male Unbonding [1.4]

Jerry: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived, like, three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten! I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table!

George: She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk."

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or "Whose bra is this?"

Jerry: That's worse.

The Stock Tip [1.5]

Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?

Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!

Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?

Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?

Elaine: Whaddaya say, Jerry? You want to make $28?

Jerry: Hey, I'm no cat-killer.

The Ex-Girlfriend [2.1]

Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

Jerry: You know, when you read Moby Dick the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.

The Pony Remark [2.2]

Jerry: If I have to sit next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbin' my arm when he talks to me. That's probably because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.

George: You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.

The Jacket [2.3]

Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.

George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.

Jerry: Of course.

George: It's fabulous.

Elaine: My dad thinks George is gay.

Jerry: Oh, because of all the singing?

Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.

The Phone Message [2.4]

Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the Dockers commercial.

Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.

George: The light is blinking: "Come and listen to the idiot!... The idiot's on!!"

The Apartment [2.5]

Jerry: [about the marathon] Ah, what's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.

Roxanne: The marathon is great, isn't it?

Jerry: Yes, particularly if you're not in it.

The Statue [2.6]

Kramer: Just make love to that wall, pervert!

George: [The statue] slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.

The Revenge [2.7]

Newman: [about to commit suicide] Kramer! I'm on the roof!

Kramer: Well, what are you waiting for?

George: Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.

Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.

George: What about that?

Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.

George: Well, that's really not fair.

The Heart Attack [2.8]

Tor: Your tea is ready now. This should solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.

Jerry: I love crampbark.

Tor: Cleavers.

Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car!

Tor: And some couchgrass.

Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.

Tor: Do you use hot water in the shower?

George: Yes.

Tor: Stop using it.

The Deal [2.9]

Jerry: So how's the job situation going?

George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?

Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.

George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!

The Baby Shower [2.10]

Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.

Elaine: What do you wanna know?

Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?

Elaine: Rarely.

Jerry: Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.

The Chinese Restaurant [2.11]

Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated first-come-first-served. It should be based on who's hungriest.

Elaine: I feel like walking over there and grabbing something off someone's plate.

Jerry: I'll tell you what. There's 50 bucks in it for ya if you do it.

Elaine: What do you mean?

Jerry: You walk up to that table over there, you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything, you eat it, wipe your mouth, say "Thank you" very much, walk away — I'll give you 50 bucks.

Elaine: 50 bucks; you'll give me 50 bucks?

Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.

Elaine: You think they're going to mind?

Jerry: I don't think so. In fact, you will give them something they will talk about for years.

Elaine: Okay, I don't wanna go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something.

Jerry: No. No tricks.

Elaine: Should I do it, George?

George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.

The Busboy [2.12]

Jerry: I think the busboy's in trouble.

George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?

Elaine: I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.

Jerry: [casually] I didn't say anything.

Kramer: ¿Como se dice.. waterbed?

The Note [3.1]

[Jerry comes to apologize to Julianna, who has her son with her.]

Julianna: I treated you. So please, just get out of the office!

Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?

Julianna: Run, Billy! Run to the office and close the door!

George: This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger! I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.

The Truth [3.2]

Jerry: What did you tell her?

George: I told her that she was pretentious.

Jerry: Pretentious? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS — they're like the Mafia. They can take anything they want.

Elaine: You see, that's karma.

Jerry: No, that's Kramer.

The Pen [3.3]

Photographer: Say "astronaut."

[Elaine, laughing, walks right up to the lens of the camera]

Elaine: Heh-heh. Say what? Ha-ha-heh! Say what?

Jerry: [pulls her back] You took too many of those pills.

Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.

Helen Seinfeld: Heh-heh! [Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.

The Dog [3.4]

Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo.

Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.

The Library [3.5]

George: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying "Costanza", he'd say "Can't-stand-ya, can't stand ya!" He made me smell my own gym socks once.

Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?

Librarian: It's true.

Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cohn."

The Parking Garage [3.6]

Jerry: You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

Elaine: Why can't you do it?

Man: I can't.

Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.

Man: That's right.

Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?

Man: I don't know.

Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?

Man: No, I wouldn't.

The Cafe [3.7]

Jerry: I don't know. I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root for it for a second.

Elaine: And then you flush.

Jerry: Well, it's a spider.

Jerry: Casus belli.

Elaine: Casus... belli.

The Tape [3.8]

Elaine: [jokingly] Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake... Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa...

The Nose Job [3.9]

Kramer: Oh, you're as pretty as them. You just need a nose job.

George: [referring to a nose job] Peter Jennings had one.

Audrey: Really?

George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

The Stranded [3.10]

Ava: Are you a vegetarian?

Jerry: Here we go..

Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.

Ava: So you're a hypocrite.

George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.

Elaine: Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel!

George: That's why we're here in America.

The Alternate Side [3.11]

Agent: Unfortunately we ran out of cars.

Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.

Agent: I know why we have reservations.

Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is, who's putting your pants on?

The Red Dot [3.12]

Mr. Lippman: It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?

George: Who said that?

Mr. Lippman: She did.

George: Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this one, because if I had known that sort of thing was frowned upon...

Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!

George: Well, good, good. Take it off. You're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.

Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?

The Subway [3.13]

Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.

Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?

Kramer: Well, yeah...

Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.

George: Why not?

Jerry: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview in Death of a Salesman.

George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging: the biggest loser in history of American literature.

The Pez Dispenser [3.14]

Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

Elaine: Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.

Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.

Jerry: By the way, how do you warm up before you play?

Noel: I just crack my knuckles and go.

The Suicide [3.15]

Elaine: But here it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck, either, but juicy, tender breasts of duck.

Jerry: Wow, she is really hungry!

George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire — is that it? Typhus? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it lupus?!

The Fix-Up [3.16]

George: Is there a pinkish hue?

Jerry: A pinkish hue?

George: Yeah, a rosy glow.

Jerry: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows; women kill to have her eyebrows.

George: Who cares about eyebrows?

George: What kind of hair?

Jerry: You know: long, dark hair.

George: Flowing?

Jerry: Flowing?

George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.

Jerry: "Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me." Is that what you said?

George: Yeah, that's right.

Jerry: Just clarifying.

The Boyfriend, Part 1 [3.17]

Jerry: According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses — in mid air, mind you — makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.

Jerry: I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.

Elaine: So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.

Jerry: But that's not what they would have you believe.

Newman: I'm leavin.' Jerry's a nut!

Kramer: [to Newman] Wait, wait, wait.

Jerry: The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.

The Boyfriend, Part 2 [3.18]

Keith Hernandez: [thinking] Come on, I won the MVP in '79. I can do whatever I want to.

The Limo [3.19]

George: Did you see the way she was looking at me?

Jerry: She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!

George: Kind of a cute Nazi, though.

Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?

George: Oh, I said so many things. I- [a loud blast is heard] They're shooting! They're shooting!

The Good Samaritan [3.20]

George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.

George: I'm speechless! I have no speech!

The Letter [3.21]

Art patron: [describing his view of "The Kramer" portrait] He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.

George: I don't get art.

Jerry: There's nothing to get.

George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.

The Parking Space [3.22]

George: All bald people look good in hats.

Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.

George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony?

Mike: What? [to Kramer] Thanks! Real good, Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.

Jerry: Use it in a sentence.

Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] Why'd you tell him?

Kramer: He begged me!

Mike: He begged you?

The Keys [3.23]

Kramer: Do you ever yearn?

George: Yearn? Do I yearn?

Kramer: I yearn.

George: You yearn?

Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?

George: Well, not recently. I've craved. Constant craving.

Jerry: You scared me!

Kramer: It's just me.

Jerry: That's enough!

The Trip, Part 1 [4.1]

Voice: Murphy Brown.

Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.

Voice: Who's calling please?

Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.

[dial tone]

George: I dress by mood.

Jerry: And what mood is this?

George: This is Morning Mist.

The Trip, Part 2 [4.2]

George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.

Jerry: Hello 911? How are you?

The Pitch [4.3]

Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.

Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.

Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

Telemarketer: No.

Jerry: Well now you know how I feel.

Kramer: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.

Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer.

Jerry: "Karma Kramer"?

The Ticket [4.4]

Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.

Jerry: You know a muffin can be very filling.

The Wallet [4.5]

George: Is Ted Danson's deal standard?

Susan: Ted Danson?

George: You know, the guy from Cheers.

Susan: Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson.

Morty: My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!

The Watch [4.6]

Elaine: Just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend... Have we been intimate?

Elaine: Yeah, yeah, we've been intimate.

Kramer: How often do we do it?

Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?

Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.

Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh...five times a week, okay?

Kramer: Oooh, baby.

Helen: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.

Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.

Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.

Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.

Leo: She's alright..

The Bubble Boy [4.7]

Jerry: He's a bubble boy!

George: A bubble boy?!

Jerry: Yes! A bubble boy!

Susan: What's a bubble boy?

Jerry: He lives in a bubble!

George: Boy.

[trying to avoid hearing Naomi's obnoxious laugh]

Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy-go-lucky.

Jerry: No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.

Naomi: Hahahaha.

Jerry: That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.

The Cheever Letters [4.8]

Susan: (reading one of the letters) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work..I love you madly, John...P.S. Loved the cabin."

Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".

The Opera [4.9]

Jerry: Why don't you just get lost?

Man: Why don't you get lost?!

Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why!

Man: Oh yeah?!

Jerry: Yeah!

(The man walks away)

Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?

The Virgin [4.10]

Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?

The Contest [4.11]

George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Jerry: Dating Marla.

George: Oh, the virgin?

Jerry: Yeah.

George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?

Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Elaine: What're you looking at?

Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.

Elaine: [chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.

Jerry: Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.

Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.

Jerry: Uh-huh.

George: Have a good time.

The Airport [4.12]

Kramer: Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.

Guard: All right, let's go.

Prisoner: I want the magazine!

George: Umm... No.

Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles..

George: But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life..sentence, that is!

The Pick [4.13]

Jerry: If we pick, do we not bleed?

Jerry: I am not an animal.

The Movie [4.14]

Kramer: I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! I want a Papaya King hot dog!

The Visa [4.15]

Jerry: Well, I mean birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.

George: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!

The Shoes [4.16]

Jerry: Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

The Outing [4.17]

Jerry: I've been outed. I wasn't even in!

Jerry: Everyone thinks we're gay!... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Old Man [4.18]

Sid: Oh her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music and tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday! Now get the hell out of my house!

The Implant [4.19]

Sidra: And one more thing; they're real, and they're spectacular.

Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

The Junior Mint [4.20]

Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint; it's delicious!

Jerry: That's true.

Kramer: It's very refreshing!

George: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.

Jerry: They *eat* them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!

The Smelly Car [4.21]

George: This is beyond B.O. This is B.B.O.

Jerry: Usually the O stays with the B. Once the B is gone the O leaves with it.

The Handicap Spot [4.22]

Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.

George: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?

Elaine: What's that suppose to mean?

Salesman: This is our best model: The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like...you're almost glad to be handicapped.

The Pilot, Part 1 [4.23]

Jerry: Again with the sweat pants?

George: What? I'm comfortable.

Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."

George: He took a biopsy Jerry, a biopsy!

Jerry: What'd he say?

George: He said he didn't know what it was.

Jerry: All right, so?

George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"

Jerry: Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.

George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here" ? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.

Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

George: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?

The Pilot, Part 2 [4.24]

Sandi: You're breaking up with me, aren't you?

Jerry: Do you want me to break up with you?

Sandi: If that's what you want.

Jerry: I don't even know what you're talking about.

Sandi: Fine. Break up with me.

Jerry: All right. We're broken up.

Sandi: Can we still be friends?

The Mango [5.1]

George: You faked?

Elaine: On occasion.

Jerry: And the guy never knows?

Elaine: No.

Jerry: How can he not know that?

Elaine: Because I was gooood.

Jerry: I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.

Elaine: [chuckles] You didn't know.

Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

Jerry: Sex to save the friendship. [starts to take off his shirt] Well if we have to we have to.

The Puffy Shirt [5.2]

Kramer: This is going to be a new look for the '90s. You're going to be the first pirate!

Jerry: But I don't want to be a pirate!

Jerry: I have to wear it [the puffy shirt]! The people at the factory are making these based on me wearing it on TV! They're producing them as we speak!

Elaine: But you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier!

The Glasses [5.3]

George: I'm at the health club; and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?

Elaine: You don't have an old pair?

George: I broke 'em playing basketball.

Jerry: He was running from a bee.

Elaine: So I'm all right? I don't need a shot?

Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite.

Elaine: Yes, I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?

Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.

The Sniffing Accountant [5.4]

Elaine: So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?

Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

Frank: How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.

George: I know about the cups.

Frank: You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.

George: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

The Bris [5.5]

George: [showing off his perfect parking spot to Elaine and Jerry] Maybe the baby would like to see the spot.

Kramer: I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.

Jerry: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.

Kramer: Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

The Lip Reader [5.6]

Newman: When you control the mail, you control information!

Driver: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up against the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. "Metalli"-something.

Kramer: "Ca".

Driver: Huh?

George: Wha..?

Jerry: "Ca".

George: Ah.

The Non-Fat Yogurt [5.7]

Doctor: I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?

Doctor: Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.

George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?

Doctor: No, not really.

George: How so?

Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?

The Barber [5.8]

Enzo: You happy with the haircut?

Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.

Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.

Newman: What's the catch?

Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.

Newman: That job sounds like it might be worth a year of free haircuts. And a comb.

Gino: So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.

Enzo: Ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors!

Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.

Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? What are you going to do on the toilet?

Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.

The Masseuse [5.9]

George: Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her.

George: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.

Jerry: You're a lucky guy.

The Cigar Store Indian [5.10]

Kramer: I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables.

Estelle Costanza: George doesn't work. He's a bum.

The Conversion [5.11]

Father/Priest: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?

George: I like the hats.

George: Is there any kind of .. express conversion?

The Stall [5.12]

Jerry: You're crazy.

Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

Jerry: It's impossible.

Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?

Jerry: It can't be.

Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?

Jerry: He's a male bimbo...He's a mimbo!

The Dinner Party [5.13]

Jerry: Uh, I don't feel so good.

Elaine: What's wrong?

Jerry: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.

Elaine: The black and white?

Jerry: Yeah.

Elaine: Not getting along?

Man:[Bumps into George and angrily says] Big Coat!

George: Yes, Its a big coat!

Kramer: Be careful with that coat, you'll start a war!

The Marine Biologist [5.14]

[using the ATM at the same time as the person next to him]

Jerry: "Cash advance"? Yes..no. "Balance inquiry"? No. "Receipt"? No. Processing...processing...processing. [to person next to him] I win!

George: Then of course with evolution the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look really closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to be.

Diane: Really?

George: Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk about other things like... architecture...

The Pie [5.15]

Ricky's supervisor: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin.

Ricky: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.

The Stand In [5.16]

Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?

Kramer: I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.

Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.

George: Why don't they just hire another midget?

Mickey: It's "little people"...You got that?!

The Wife [5.17]

Kramer: Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in 10 years, we get hitched?

Elaine: Make it 50.

Kramer: We're engaged!

George: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?

Elaine: Yeah, it's a social thing.

George: What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?

The Raincoats, Part 1 [5.18]

Jerry: She lives with her parents.

George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.

Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.

The Fire [5.20]

Jerry: [during stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual?

George: What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?

Fireman: How do you live with yourself?

George: It's not easy.

The Hamptons [5.21]

Kramer: Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?

Jerry: No.

Kramer: Put that on the top of your list.

Jerry: No, not for me. A little too delightful.

Elaine: Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?

Jerry: I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.

The Opposite [5.22]

Jerry: The New York Yankees?

George: The New York [turns Yankees hat around] Yankees!

Jerry: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza!?

George: SHUT YOUR TRAPS AND STOP KICKING THE SEATS! WE’RE TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE! And if I have to tell you again, we’re gonna take it outside and I'm gonna SHOW you what it's like, you understand me? Now shut your mouths or I’m gonna shut 'em for ya! And if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me! Because I would LOVE it!!!

The Chaperone [6.1]

Ms. Rhode Island: I'm watching my weight

Jerry: I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.

Kramer: Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.

The Big Salad [6.2]

Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Jerry: He doesn't even care if a man answers.

Elaine: Or you.

The Pledge Drive [6.3]

Leo: She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!

Kramer: Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people!

The Chinese Woman [6.4]

Kramer: I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!

Jerry: [referring to George] It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal.

The Couch [6.5]

Jerry: Is it? C-could it? Could he have? It is! Poppy peed on my sofa!

The Gymnast [6.6]

Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.

Jerry: You're in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

The Mom & Pop Store [6.7]

Jerry: We should get you to a hospital.

Kramer: I ain't going to no Bellevue.

George: [singing] Everybody's talkin' at me... can't hear a word they're sayin'... just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...

The Soup [6.8]

Jerry: I'll have the turkey club without the bacon.

George: And I'll have the bacon club without the turkey.

Elaine: Can I have a big salad?

Waitress: A big salad?

Elaine: You see

George: [irritated] Just tell them what you want. They'll make it for you.

Elaine: It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.

Waitress: I can bring you two small salads.

Elaine: Could you put it in a big bowl?

Waitress: We don't have big bowls.

Elaine: All right, just get me a cup of decaf.

Waitress: We have Sanka.

The Secretary [6.9]

Secretary: As you can see, my references are impeccable and I think I'd be a real asset here. My only concern is: I take care of my mother. Will there be many late nights?

George: I can't imagine any.

Jerry: You got no waist in that thing.

George: And your arms look like something in a kosher deli.

The Switch [6.10]

George: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

Jerry: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains. I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends... No, I'm not ready for it.

The Race [6.11]

Lois: Would you be able to come all the way downtown during rush hour again?

Jerry: Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.

Lois: So, you were the fastest kid in school.

Jerry: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.

The Label Maker [6.12]

Elaine: He recycled this gift. He's a regifter.

Jerry: Oh, it's "Risk." It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

The Scofflaw [6.13]

Jerry: Who is he not to talk to you about his life-threatening illness?

George: You think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.

The Beard [6.16]

George: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

[Talking about George's toupee]

Kramer: Its a perfect match.

Jerry: Are you kidding? I can spot that bird's nest two blocks away.

The Kiss Hello [6.17]

George: I love these people. You can't ask 'em questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!

The Doorman [6.18]

Jerry: How 'bout those Knicks?

Doorman: Oh, I see. On the sports page...

Jerry: Yeah.

Doorman: What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.

Jerry: [dressed as a doorman] Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?

Mr. Green: Of course I live here! I've lived here for twenty years. Now if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested!

[Jerry lets the man pass.]

Jerry: [yells] You think you're better than me?

The Jimmy [6.19]

Jimmy: You know, Jimmy is pretty sweet on you.

Elaine: [thinks that Jimmy is another guy] Aaaaaahhh! He is?

Jimmy: Oh, yeah! Jimmy's been watching you. You're just Jimmy's type.

Elaine: Ahh! Really?

Jimmy: Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy... doesn't really know anyone.

Elaine: Oh! Well, I'd like to get to know him.

Jimmy: Jimmy would like to get to know you.

[Jerry finds a copy of Penthouse in Dr. Whatley's waiting room.]

Jerry: He's a doctor! I mean, it's supposed to be like a sterile environment.

The Doodle [6.20]

George: [referring to a doodle of himself] I look like a troll!

Elaine: What's this, a drawing of Mr. Magoo?

Jerry: No, that's George.

The Fusilli Jerry [6.21]

Jerry: You know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.

Estelle: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.

George: No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're — you're a "separatee."

Estelle: Well, I'm out there, George.

George: No, you're not out there.

Estelle: I am, too!

George: You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

The Diplomat's Club [6.22]

Mr. Morgan: I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?

Katie: Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.

Jerry: I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!

The Face Painter [6.23]

Elaine: [to the busboy] Oh, thanks very much. The soup was really good.

[The busboy gives her a blank stare and walks away.]

Jerry: What are you telling him for?

Elaine: What?

Jerry: He's the busboy. You think he cares about the soup?

Elaine: Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?

Jerry: Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up!"?

George: I saw Sienna again.

Elaine: Sienna?

Jerry: He's dating a crayon.

The Understudy [6.24]

George: I watched "Beaches" on cable last night... give me a break.

Bette: Get some talent. Then you can mouth off.

Kramer: [on the phone] A turkey sandwich, a side of slaw... You want white meat or dark?

Bette: White meat.

Kramer: Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there, it's your ass, buster!

The Engagement [7.1]

Susan: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.

Estelle: You do?

Susan: : Yes.

Estelle: Really?

Susan: : Yes.

Estelle: May I ask why?

Jerry: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit: she eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat corn niblets, but she scooped them.

George: She scooped the niblets?

Jerry: Yes. That's what was so vexing.

The Postponement [7.2]

Kramer: Look at this, Jerry; dropping paper on the ground. That's littering.

Jerry: Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.

Kramer: Maybe I will.

Susan: If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. [crying] Say so.

George: Still marry. Still marry.

Susan: No, you don't love me.

George: No. Still love. Still love.

Susan: My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.

George: No, no, no. No mistake, no mistake!

The Maestro [7.3]

Kramer: You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.

Jerry: Oh what, because I didn't call him "Maestro"?

Kramer: That's right.

Jerry: Ya know, I feel a little funny calling somebody "Maestro."

Kramer: Why?

Jerry: Because it's a stupid thing to be called.

Kramer: Jerry, he's a conductor.

Jerry: Oh, conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.

Jerry: New shirt?

George: Yeah. You like it?

Jerry: No, not particularly.

George: Why, the color?

Jerry: Yeah.

George: Too flashy?

Jerry: Yeah, it's burning my retina.

The Wink [7.4]

Kramer: Oh, by the way, tomorrow night Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

The Hot Tub [7.5]

George: Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.

Jerry: How do you pull that off?

George: I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... [puts on an annoyed face]

Elaine: Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!

Jerry: Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!

George: I know what I'm doin.' In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right, back to work. [puts on the annoyed face]

George: Hey, you bastards.

Jerry: Hey, how was the meeting?

George: I really like those sons of bitches.

Jerry: Sons of bitches?

George: Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like, uh... "Boy, that son of a bitch Boggs can really hit, huh?"

Jean-Paul: Really?

George: Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the Major League.

The Soup Nazi [7.6]

Elaine: Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, Scent of A Woman? Who-ah! Who-ah!

Soup Nazi: Very good. Very good.

Elaine: Well, I—

Soup Nazi: You know something?

Elaine: Hmmm?

Soup Nazi: No soup for you!

Elaine: What?

Soup Nazi: Come back one year! Next!

Elaine: Hello.

Soup Nazi: You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time.

Elaine: I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. "Five cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, three pounds celery."

Soup Nazi: That is my recipe for wild mushroom.

Elaine: Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny..

Soup Nazi: Mulliga... tawny?

Elaine: You're through, Soup Nazi. Now pack it up. No more soup for you. NEXT!

The Secret Code [7.7]

Kramer: Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.

Jerry: No, I didn't.

The Pool Guy [7.8]

Kramer: Hello and welcome to Moviefone! Brought to you by the New York Times and HOT 97. Coming to theatres this Friday... [deep trailer voice-over] Kevin Bacon. Susan Sarandon. You've got to get me over that mountain! NOO! [imitates air raid effect and long scream] There's no higher place than... Mountain High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie that you'd like to see, press 1.

Moviefone President: Hello. And welcome to your worst nightmare. I know you're in there, Cosmo Kramer, Apartment 5b. You're in big trouble now. You've been stealing my business. If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door now. Or please select the number of seconds you'd like to wait before I break this door down. Please select now.

The Sponge [7.9]

Jerry: She's too good.

George: Too good?

Jerry: I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

George: I see what you mean.

Jerry: I admire the hell out of the her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Elaine: I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge worthy.

The Rye [7.11]

Frank: What is this thing, anyway?

Mrs. Ross: It's Cornish game hen.

Frank: What is that? Like a little chicken?

George: It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. [laughs] "Little chicken." It's a game bird.

Frank: Game bird?

George: Yeah.

Frank: What do you mean? Like, you hunt it?

Mr. Ross: Yes...

Frank: How hard could it be to kill this thing?

Frank: Let me understand. You got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?

George: Why don't we talk about it another time?

Frank: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!

Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.

Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.

Frank: That's perverse!

The Caddy [7.12]

[Message on Jerry's answering machine after being informed of George's death]

Frank Costanza: Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back.

The Seven [7.13]

Jerry: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

George: All right, I tell you what. You look like nice people. I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.

Ken: What?

George: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.

Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.

George: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?

The Cadillac(1) [7.14]

Jack: I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?

Jerry: He doesn't wanna take a ride.

Morty: Uh-huh.

Jack: What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands!

Morty: Thousands?

Jack: What? D'you think you're such a big shot now because you got a Cadillac?

Morty: [dissmissive] Ahh!

Jack: [dissmissive] Ahh!

Morty: Do you beleive that guy?

Jerry: [sarcastically] Ahh!

The Shower Head [7.16]

Newman: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! [pushes Elaine out the door and closes it] All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.

Peterman: I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was traveling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste" he said. That was all it took.

Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.

Peterman: Oh, Elaine, the toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.

The Doll [7.17]

George: Susan has this doll collection, and one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother. She likes to sleep with it.

Jerry: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?

George: Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. It's freakin' me out, man.

Kramer: Frank here, he's got his own billiard room.

Frank: Yes, It's, uh, it's... uh, uh... What do you call it, Kramer?

Kramer: A billiard room.

Frank: No, not billiard. Not billiards. It was... come on, already. Come on...

Kramer: What?

Frank: We call it... the, uh...

Kramer: [snaps fingers] "The Place To Be!"

Frank: "The Place To Be!" Yes! It's the place to be.

The Wig Master [7.19]

Jerry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you asking him out?

Jessie: Yeah... I guess you could say that..

Jerry: Right in front of me! How do you know we're not together? Two guys sitting, laughing, drinking "Champagne Coolies."

Jerry: I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

The Calzone [7.20]

Steinbrenner: [after smelling the calzones] Constanza is in the building! And he's not in his office! Constanza! He's got the calzone! I've got you! [runs out of his office]

Kramer: Hey, buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.

Jerry: You got your shirt in my oven?

Kramer: I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway, this is better. And it's more convenient.

Jerry: For both of us.

Kramer: And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for ten minutes at 325 degrees.

Jerry: What's wrong with your oven?

Kramer: I am baking a pie!

The Bottle Deposit(1) [7.21]

Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you've done it!

The Bottle Deposit(2) [7.22]

Farmer's daughter: No, Daddy, don't hurt him! I love him! Goodbye, Norman! Goodbye!

The Wait Out [7.23]

Kramer: [fixing up his pants] Yeah... Look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?

Jerry: You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.

Kramer: Yeah, well, I was a different man then.

Jerry: With a different body.

Kramer: Hey, I got the body of a... taut, preteen Swedish boy.

The Invitations [7.24]

Susan: Since when do you smoke?

George: [coughs] I've always smoked.

Susan: I've never seen you smoke.

George: Oh, yeah? Well, I quit smokin.' I [coughs] gave it up for a w- [cough] while, but it was too tough. Y' know, [cough] I got no will power.

Susan: I don't like this one bit.

George: Well[coughs] I can't stop now [coughs] I'm addicted... [coughing, wretching] they got a hold of me.

Susan: Well, you are gonna have to quit.

George: Oh, God! [runs to the bathroom]

George: I put a lot of thought into this, and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptial agreement.

Susan: A pre-nup?

George: Yeah. [Susan laughs] What's so funny?

Susan: Hahahaha... You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. Haha. Yeah, give me the papers. I'll sign 'em.

The Foundation [8.1]

Peterman: You may know it better as Myanmar, but it'll always be Burma to me.

Kramer: What's wrong?

Elaine: Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma and now he wants me to run the catalog.

Kramer: Where?

Jerry: Myanmar.

Kramer: What's that? The discount pharmacy?

The Soul Mate [8.2]

Newman:

Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,

And fondled his muscled heart.

He imbibed her glistening spell,

Just before the other shoe fell.

The Bizarro Jerry [8.3]

[Jerry, George, and Kramer meet their "doubles" for the first time]

Elaine: Jerry, George, Kramer. This is Kevin, Gene, and Feldman.

Jerry: This is really weird..

The Little Kicks [8.4]

George: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

Jerry: Elaine danced?!

George: It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.

Frank: My son George isn't smart enough to hatch a scheme like this!

Elaine: You got that right.

Frank: What the hell does that mean?

Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?

Elaine: I'd drop you like a sack of dirt.

Frank: You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!

The Package [8.5]

Kramer: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Van Nostrand from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's, uh, very bad, very messy.

Attendant: I see and what clinic is that again?

Kramer: That is correct.

Attendant: Excuse me?

Kramer: The Hoffer Mandolf Neo Clinic in Belgium.

Attendant: Really?

Kramer: The Netherlands?

The Fatigues [8.6]

Bania: Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

Kramer: You know Frank, you could take a break.

Frank: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.

The Checks [8.7]

Jerry: [pointing toward the guy] See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.

Elaine: Uh huh.

Jerry: I invented that.

The Chicken Roaster [8.8]

Jerry: Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!

Newman: I love broccoli. It's... good for you.

Jerry: Then maybe you'd like to try a piece?

Newman: Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!

The Abstinence [8.9]

Mrs. Wilky: We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.

Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man’s a goblin.

The Andrea Doria [8.10]

Jerry: You had more bread?

Elaine: That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.

Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.

Alan: So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up?

Elaine: What breakup? We went out on one date.

Alan:: Okay, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say.

Elaine: All right, good. Good.

Alan: Okay, then, well, so... see ya around... big head.

Elaine: Pardon?

Alan: You got a big head. It's too big for your body.

Elaine: That's it? That's the best you got?

The Little Jerry [8.11]

Jerry: Little Jerry's a lean mean peckin' machine!

Kramer: The whole fight lasted two seconds!

Jerry: How long do they usually la—

Kramer: About five seconds.

The Money [8.12]

George: You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?

Jerry: Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.

George: 20 years... that long?

Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?

George: Unfortunately, yes.

Jerry: How's your family history?

George: I have an aunt that died at age seven.

Jerry: Really?

George: Aunt Baby.

The Comeback [8.13]

George: Listen to the comeback: 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.'

[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]

George: Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!

Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'?

George: What does that mean?

Jerry: Hey, here you go: 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.'

George: No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.

Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.

Reilly: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.

George: Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you!

Reilly: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!

George: ..Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.

[silence]

McAdam: His wife is in a coma..

The Susie [8.15]

George: [on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero]
Believe it or not,
George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.

The Pothole [8.16]

Newman (While driving his car that is dragging Elaine's sewing machine on the road over the two lane highway after Kramer accidentally spills flamable paint thinner): You're once, twice, three times a-(Truck goes on fire)AAAAAH!!!! Oh the humanity!

The English Patient [8.17]

Lisa: How could you not love that movie?

Elaine: How about, it sucked?

The Nap [8.18]

Hal: I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store.

Elaine: Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back In Business", or "Good Vertibrations".

Hal: Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".

[kid is looking through telescope across East River into New York with his father beside him]

Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.

Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.

Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.

The Yada Yada [8.19]

Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.

George: Really?

Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.

Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

[The phone rings.]

Jerry: Hello?

Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to The New York Times?

Jerry: Yes. [hangs up]

The Millennium [8.20]

Jerry: Good meeting?

George: There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.

Jerry: You can do that.

George: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time. You know, uh, I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying "Wow! Now that guy got canned!"

George: Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons: your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can spit on it and rethink.

The Muffin Tops [8.21]

George: When do you start to worry about ear hair?

Jerry: When you hear like a soft rustling.

Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?

George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.

The Summer of George [8.22]

George: I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!

George: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.

Jerry: They did it for three years. What's another few months?

The Butter Shave [9.1]

George: What is Holland?

Jerry: What do you mean, "What is it?" It's a country right next to Belgium.

George: No, that's the Netherlands.

Jerry: Holland is the Netherlands.

George: Then who are the Dutch?

[Elaine and Puddy going to Europe for a month.]

Kramer: A month in Europe with Elaine? That guy's coming home in a body bag.

The Voice [9.2]

Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?

Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamourous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.

Dean Jones: Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.

Kramer: And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!

Jerry: So, what’s going on?

George: Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. They’ve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I’m like Hitler’s last days here.

Jerry: So, are you going to leave?

George: Oh no! I’m vigilant. They’ll never get me out. I’m like a weed, Jerry.

Jerry: I thought you’re like Hitler in the bunker?

George: I’m a weed in Hitler’s bunker.

Jerry: I’m getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff.

The Serenity Now [9.3]

Frank: Serenity now! Serenity now!

George: What is that?

Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'

George: Are you supposed to yell it?

Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. [Hangs up] Hey, I'm flyin' first class.

Elaine: Where did that come from?

Jerry: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?

Elaine: No.

Jerry: Good.

The Blood [9.4]

Jerry: What is this?

Kramer: We're making sausages.

Jerry: I thought you were gonna watch a video.

Kramer: Well, yeah... An instructional video on how to make your own sausages.

The Junk Mail [9.5]

Woman: [indicating Kramers dummy] Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?

Kramer: Because we are blind to their tyranny.

Woman: Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?

The Merv Griffin Show [9.6]

Kramer: Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!

Jerry: Oh my God!

Kramer: It's the Merv Griffin set!

Jerry: How did you get this in here?

Kramer: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.

Jerry: So where are you gonna sleep?

Kramer: Yeah..backstage.

George: (while watching his home movies) Oh! Don't look this is where they change me.

Jerry: Weren't you like 8 years old?

George: I was seven and a half!

The Slicer [9.7]

Kramer: I've sliced meat so thin, you couldn't see it.

Elaine: How did you know?

Kramer: I guess I just assumed.

The Betrayal [9.8]

George: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!

Elaine: He schnapped me!

The Strike [9.10]

Jerry: They're cloning sheep now.

Kramer: No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!

Frank: It's Christmas for some, a Festivus for the rest of us!!

The Dealership [9.11]

Jerry: Hey George, I'm buyin' this car!

George: Ssssh. What is wrong with you! You never tell them you like the car! You're not sure what you want, you don't even know why you're here!

Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".

David Puddy: I don't much care for that term.

Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...

David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.

Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.

David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.

Jerry: Yeah, Koko.

David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five.

The Wizard [9.15]

George: What's that?

Jerry: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.

George: How much was it?

Jerry: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.

George: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?

Jerry: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street. Maybe it's hot — that's his favorite.

Jerry: House in the Hamptons?

George: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

The Burning [9.16]

Jerry: So Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.

Elaine: It's me? Isn't that a little premature?

Jerry: I thought so.

Elaine: She's not a me. I'M a me.

George: I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!"

The Frogger [9.18]

Jerry: Hey, look at the high score. "G.L.C.", George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?

George: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years.

Jerry: I remember that night.

George: The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...

Mario: Here's your pizza, pea brains.

Jerry: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.

George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this "Frogger" high score, that's it for me.

The Maid [9.19]

Kramer: [on the phone] Hey, I'm on First and...First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.

The Puerto Rican Day [9.20]

Man: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!

Bob: Who! Who is burning the flag?!

Kramer: Oh, no.

Bob: Him?!

Cedric: That's not very nice.

Jerry: See ya around, Maroon Golf! Oh and by the way, that was a "I'm not sorry wave".

Maroon Golf: What was that?

Jerry: I'm glad I cut you off! Because Black Saab rules! So long jackass!

The Clip Show (1) [9.21]

Jerry: [to audience] Oh, hello. Nine years, seems like a long time doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us. It seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere...except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time.

The Finale (1) [9.23]

[Newman is begging Jerry to take him to Paris.]

Newman: Please! Take me with you! Please!

Jerry: Get off me! You're making me sick! Be a man!

Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come — oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld — your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little playworld and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!

George: [as the plane is about to crash] Jerry! Can you hear me?!

Jerry: Yeah.

George: There's something I have to tell you!

Jerry: What is it?

George: I cheated in the contest!

Jerry: What?!

George: The contest! I cheated!

Jerry: What?! Why?!

George: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.

Jerry: Great! I won!

The Finale (2) [9.24]

Hoyt: State your name.

Soup Nazi: Yev Kassem.

Hoyt: Could you spell that?

Soup Nazi: No! Next question.

Jerry: See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.

George: Really?

Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.

George: Haven't we had this conversation before?

Jerry: You think?

George: I think we have.

Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.