Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

• I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I know, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer!" "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your—" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"... Maybe not.

• When I was a kid, even my imaginary friend played with the kid across the street. I'd be, like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer!"

• Oh, the floor's lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing — you were poor. I'll tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo" "Oh, the floor's lava!" "Oh, my God! Whats wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street. Maybe not.

• You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
• I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
• Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

• I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

• I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

• Butt sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

• You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.

• I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake.

Completely Serious (2007)

• I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I wcas in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off -- don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And so I say....and I'm not going to censor myself here 'Hey buddy, Get off the phone please!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business asshole. So I reach over the seat, I want to punch him in the face, but at that moment I see my braclet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

• One time I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.

• I hate you, Google. You've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. "I'm going to look up apples today." She just hits 'A.' It's "Asian ass porn" instantly. Google is, like, "I'll take it from here. I know exactly what you're looking up... Well, every time you hit 'A,' it's 'Asian ass porn.'" Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion.

• I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it — I want legit sets.

• What if you went to heaven and God meets you and says, "Hey, welcome to fuckin' heaven." I'm like, "What did you say?" "Welcome to fuckin' heaven." "I didn't know you could swear." "Fuck, yeah, it's fucking heaven" "Well, I was raised as a child never to swear." "Where does it say in the Bible that you can't fuckin' swear?" "No fuckin' where!" "All right, now you are getting the hang of it. Oh, yeah, I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates? You wanna tap that? They ain't gettin' in!" "What?" "No, just kidding. You aren't in heaven, you're in hell. You've been punk'd." Arghhh! Damn you, Ashton! That was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife, you're a douchebag. Hope it was worth it charity-bangin' that geriatric for all eternity.