Directed by Emile Ardolino. Written by Joseph Howard.

Deloris

• I'm not stayin' in no damn convent with these people. These people don't even have sex.
• [saying grace] Bless us, O Lord, for these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive...and...yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no food...I will fear no hunger. We want you to...give us this day our daily bread, and to the republic for which it stands. By the power invested in me I now pronounce us ready to eat. Amen.

Reverend Mother

• From what I hear, your singing career is almost non-existent and your married lover wants you dead. God has brought you here - take the hint.
• [about Deloris] That is not a person you can hide, that is a conspicuous person designed to stick out.
• [in a casino, to a group of nuns all dressed in full habit] Brace yourself, sisters. Spread out and look for Mary Clarence. Try to blend in.

Dialogue

[in a classroom in 1968]

Nun: Who can name all the apostles?

(Deloris raises her hand)

Nun: Yes, Deloris?

Deloris: John, Paul, George, and... Ringo!

(the other students laugh)

Nun: Deloris Wilson, you are the most unruly, disobedient girl in this school. Now, I want you to march right up to that blackboard and write the names of all the apostles alphabetically.

[Deloris walks up to the blackboard and writes "John", "Paul", "Peter", and "Elvis" in big letters, underlined; the other students laugh again]

Nun: This is enough! You are hopeless, and I wash my hands of you. Mark my words, Deloris, if you continue on this disruptive track, it will lead straight to the devil! Have you any idea what girls like you become?

[Deloris says nothing, but smiles]

Eddie: Can I call you Deloris?

Deloris: You can call me anything you want as long as you keep me alive.

Deloris: What am I gonna do here? I'm gonna go crazy! There's nothing but a lot of white women dressed as nuns! What am I gonna do here?

Eddie: Pray.

Deloris: Pray?

Eddie: Nice church, huh?

Deloris: Yes, very nice. Look, what am I gonna be? Quasimodo in the belfry? What is this?

Eddie: I want you to stay here for a while.

Deloris: Where?

Eddie: In the convent. It's the safest place in the world. You think Vince is gonna look for you in a convent?

Deloris: Wh... in the what?

Eddie: The convent.

Deloris: You must be out of your... You know what? I'm gonna go back and work this out with Vince. You're a lunatic! I'm not gonna be in no damn convent with these people. These people don't even have sex!

[talks to the Monsignor about not wanting Delores]

Monsignor: You took a vow of hospitality for all in need.

Reverend Mother: I lied.

Deloris: [after putting on the habit] Oh, no! No, no, no! I can't do this. I'm sorry. This is fine for covering a little bulge, but now I've got holster hips.

Reverend Mother: People wish to kill you. Anyone who's met you I imagine. A disguise is necessary to protect us all. While you are here you will conduct yourself as a nun. Only I will know who and what you truly are. You will draw no attention to yourself whatsoever.

Deloris: But look at me! I'm a nun! I'm a-- I'm a penguin!

Reverend Mother: As from now and until you leave you are Sister Mary Clarence.

Deloris: Mary Clarence? Like Clarence Williams III from The Mod Squad?

Reverend Mother: Mary is in deference to our Holy Mother. Clarence is in honor of Saint Clarence of Concordia. There are 3 vows every nun must accept. The vow of Poverty.

Deloris: Mmm-hmm...

Reverend Mother: The vow of Obedience...

Deloris: Mmm-hmm...

Reverend Mother: And the vow of Chastity.

Deloris: I am outta here with that.

[she starts to turn and walk away, but Reverend Mother grabs her arm and pulls her back]

Deloris: Oh, man!

Sister Mary Lazarus: Freelance? Really? Oh, you don't think I see. You think I took vows yesterday? I know what you're up to. You and Reverend Mother.

Deloris: What?

Sister Mary Lazarus: You're a ringer! She brought you here to replace me! Out with the old.

Deloris The next thing you have to learn how to do is listen to each other. That's a big key. Big key! You must listen to listen to each other, if you're going to be a group.

Sister Mary Lazarus: I knew that.

Deloris: Mary Lazarus, as soon as I walked through the door, I knew that you knew this. Now, you're somebody who's into hard work and discipline, aren't you?

Sister Mary Lazarus: Of course. I'm a nun. 4 Popes now.

Deloris: 4?! Wow! How often do they rehearse?

Sister Mary Lazarus: Twice a week, couple hours.

Deloris: Not enough. I mean, listen to 'em. They really need a lotta work! They gotta rehearse every day.

Sister Mary Lazarus: She's good. Do you think they could get better?

Deloris: I don't know. They pretty raw.

Sister Mary Lazarus: Wet behind the ears.

Sister Mary Patrick: Oh, please, let us try.

Deloris: This is gonna be hell.

Sr. Mary Lazarus: Tell me about it.

Delores: (to Sister Mary Robert) I noticed that you're movin' your mouth, but nothin's coming out. So I'd like to just hear you by yourself, if you don't mind. Sister Alma, can you give me an A, please?

[Sister Alma does not answer]

Delores: ALMA! [stomps her foot; Sister Alma reacts] Check your battery! Give me an A, please.

[Sister Alma gives an A; Mary Robert sings that note in a whisper]

Delores: Okay. Try this. Close your eyes. Visualize yourself in room full of people, lots of silverware, people dropping stuff, talking loud, drunks, women with trays goin' "Whattaya gonna have?!". Your voice has to carry over the din. You have to get up over all of that to be heard in the back of the room where I'm sitting, listening, straining to hear you. Okay? Keep that in your mind when we do this.

Sister Mary Robert: I'd rather sing then do anything.

Sister Mary Patrick: It's better then ice cream.

Sister Mary Robert: It's better than springtime.

Deloris: Better than sex. [the other nuns react] No. No. I've heard.

Sister Mary Patrick: Why would anyone kidnap a nun?

Sister Mary Lazarus: Were they Catholics?

Joey': What is she doing?

Willy: Oh my God, she's praying.

Delores: Expectum. Espertum. Ca coomb. Too Too. Eplubium. Amen.

Vince: (prepares to shoot Deloris) Joey, do it.

Joey: I can't, Vince. She's still a nun.

Vince: She's a broad. Y'got it? Just a broad!

Reverend Mother: I guarantee you she is no broad! She is Sister Mary Clarence of St. Katherine's convent. She's a model of generosity, virtue, and love! You have my word for it, gentlemen, she is a nun!

Willy: Ya hear that? Now, aren't you glad we didn't shoot her?

Reverend Mother: Girl groups?! Boogie-woogie on the piano?! What were you thinking?!

Deloris: I was thinkin' more like Vegas. Y'know, get some butts in the seats.

Reverend Mother: And what next? Popcorn? Curtain calls? This is not a theater or a casino.

Deloris: Yeah, but that's the problem. See, people like going to theaters, and they like going to casinos. But they don't like coming to church. Why? Because it's a drag. But we could change all that. See, we could-- We could pack this joint.

Reverend Mother: Through blasphemy?! You have corrupted the entire choir!

(Monsignor O'Hara enters the hall)

Monsignor: Excuse me.

(he overhears Deloris' chat with Reverend Mother)

Deloris: How can you say that?! I worked my butt off with these women! They've given up their free time to do this, and they're GOOD! I mean, Sister, we could-- We could ROCK this place!

Reverend Mother: OUT of the question! As of tomorrow, Mary Lazarus resumes her leadership of the choir.

(the Monsignor knocks on the door)

Reverend Mother: COME IN!!

Cast

• Whoopi Goldberg - Deloris Van Cartier/Sister Mary Clarence
• Maggie Smith - Reverend Mother
• Kathy Najimy - Sister Mary Patrick
• Wendy Makkena - Sister Mary Robert
• Mary Wickes - Sister Mary Lazarus
• Harvey Keitel - Vince LaRocca
• Bill Nunn - Lt. Eddie Souther
• Robert Miranda - Joey
• Richard Portnow - Willy