Six Feet Under Quotations

Six Feet Under is a critically acclaimed and popular television drama produced by HBO. It first aired on June 3, 2001 and ended on August 21, 2005, after 5 seasons.

Pilot [1.01]

Man: You've done a nice job. She looks peaceful.

David: Well, she is at peace now.

Man: If there's any justice in the universe, she's shoveling shit in Hell.

Nate: Everybody forgives everybody, for everything.

Nate: I refuse to sanitize this anymore!

David: This is how it's done.

Nate: Yeah? Well it's whacked. What is this stupid salt-shaker? Huh? What is this hermetically sealed box? This phony Astroturf around the grave? Jesus, David, it's like surgery. Clean. Antiseptic. Business. He was our father!

David: Please don't do this.

Nate: You can pump him full of chemicals. You can put make-up on him. You can prop him up for a nap in the slumber room but the fact remains, David, that the only father we're ever gonna have is gone! Forever... and that sucks, but it's a goddamned part of life and you can't really accept it without getting your hands dirty. Well I do accept it and I intend to honor the old bastard by letting the whole world see just how fucked up and shitty I feel that he's dead! God damnit!

Priest: Amen.

Nate: I don't know if I can handle this.

Brenda: Well, you're about to find out.

David:: What the hell...?

Ruth: There's been an accident. The new hearse is totaled. Your father is dead. Your father is dead and my pot roast is ruined.

Nathaniel (to Nate): Well, well the prodigal returns. this is what you've been running away from your whole life, buddy boy. Scared the crap out of you when you were growing up, didn't it? And you thought you'd escape, well guess what, nobody escapes.

The Will [1.02]

Brenda: Well, we're all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us through life and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time. In us.

Federico: (referring to the deceased's erection) Angel lust. You can be dead, but you're never really dead.

Nathaniel: (commenting on the engravement on his headstone)Is that the best anyone could come up with, Father, Husband, Caregiver?

Nate: What would you prefer; Introvert, Sadist, Mindfucker?

Claire: What am I some knocked up Victorian wife that has to stay hidden from view?

Nate: I, uh think Mr. Suarez kinda shit himself. Is that normal?

David: You stopped to eat?! Do you have any respect for human life at all?

Nate: I have a HUGE respect for human life! I just didn't know that they can take a dump when they're dead!

David:Well they can, make a note of it!

The Foot [1.03]

Claire: I wish that just once people wouldn't act like the clichés that they are.

Ruth: You both look so happy. Just enjoy it while it lasts. Which isn't very long. You think you have forever, but you don't. Soon you start to get on each other's nerves. Then you don't tell the other person as much as you used to cause, really, what's the point? You thought they understood you, but they never did... not really. Finally, not only do you not tell the other person anything real, you actively start lying to him. And then when you think it can't get any worse, he up and dies!.. No matter what you do, you end up alone. Not knowing who you are or what you really want!

Amelia: Ruth. Ruth, why did we come here today?

Ruth: To have fun! Aren't you having fun?!

David: I don't understand kids! When I was her age, I never would've taken a foot!

Keith: David, I can help. I'm a cop. That's what I do for a living.

David: You find feet?

Brenda: There's only one thing for certain. Everything changes.

Brenda: I don't want any children.

Nate: Wow! Who said anything about children?

Brenda: I was referring to you.

Ruth: Okay, I'm a terrible mother who's reponsible for all your problems, happy?

Ruth: You wake up one day and your baby's stolen a foot. Where have I been?

David: Losing twenty five thousand dollars...

Familia [1.04]

Brenda: No mistake you guys are undertakers, you take every fucking feeling you have, put it in a box and bury it.

-----

Paco[to David]: This is some fucked up way to make a living, you know that?

-----

Powerful[to Rico]: Hey, where you from dawg?

Rico[to Mr.& Mrs. Bolin]: One moment, please.

[Leaves the intake room and takes Powerful to the Wisteria Room]

Rico: Where you from? Like in where my parents were born? San Lorenzo, Puerto Rico. Where you from as in what gang I belong to? I'll tell you what gang I belong to;the gang that's gonna help you bury your friend. The gang that's gonna be there for you and your cholos for when every other fucking home doesn't wanna deal with your tired ass bullshit. Your friend is dead man, now do you want me to help you or do you want to just go heads up?

-----

[Nate and David have lunch at a diner with Matt Gilardi from Kroehner Services International about their decision to not sell Fisher & Sons]

Matt Gilardi : Okay, I'll make it simple; you either accept my offer by the end of the day or I'll make it my personal mission to bury you by the end of the month. David, you in on this suicide mission?

David: You just threatened my family.

Matt Gilardi: Let's not be melodramatic.

David: What do you expect us to do, run and hide, sell and be grateful, pack up and move?

Matt Gilardi: If you're smart.

David: You have the entire Kroehner organization behind you, and what do we have? You. Because one day when your mind isn't on Fisher & Sons, I will find you or someone you love [Gilardi laughs] I'm not saying anyone's going to die, there are tragedies far worse things than death, things you couldn't even dream of, you spineless candy ass corporate fuck. Just give me a reason. It's your decision, are we worth the trouble Mr.Gilardi? [Gilardi looks nervously at David] Lunch is over, get lost.

Nate[to Matt Gilardi]:Are you deaf? [Gilardi proceeds to leave the diner]

-----

Paco[to David]: You ever see sunlight, or you gotta avoid it?

An Open Book [1.05]

Nate: This is my... uh, my girlfriend, Brenda.

Brenda: I prefer the term "fuck puppet".

Brenda: I think it's all just totally random.

Nate: Really?

Brenda: Yeah. We live, we die, ultimately nothing means anything.

Nate: How can you live like that?

Brenda: I dunno, sometimes I wake up so fucking empty I wish I was never born, but what choice do I have?

The Room [1.06]

Nathaniel Sr.: So I'm walking along one day, and this asshole stops me and asks me if I'm alright. He says I got a look. He'd seen a man with that same look once, and had ignored it, and that man had jumped out a nine-story window. You know the reconstruction involved in a death like that? This business gets under your skin, it's like a fucking virus. They can even see it on your face, smell it on you.

Nate: What the hell is this place, this music? Since when did you listen to the Classics IV? What the hell did you do here, who the hell are you?

Nathaniel Sr.: So many questions, why couldn't you ask 'em when I was still ALIVE? It's OK, I couldn't answer most of them anyway, unlike now. Now I'm a fucking prophet.

Nate: Alright.

Nathaniel Sr.: Think I'm kiddin' buddy-boy? That's one of the perks of being dead, you know what happens after you die - and, you know the meaning of life.

Nate: That seems fairly useless.

Nathaniel Sr.: Yeah, I know - life is wasted on the living.

Nate: Could've told me you were proud of me.

Nathaniel Sr.: Never around for me to tell, which is exactly what I was proud of you for. Therein lies your catch-22.

Nate: So what's the meaning of life?

Nathaniel Sr.: You really wanna know?

Nate: I don't know, will it fuck me up if I do?

Brotherhood [1.07]

Gary:: Don't quote Castaneda at me.

Claire: Why not? You quote Bob Dylan at me.

Father Clark: The hardest part about my work is the fact that most people don't want a real relationship with God. Yeah, sure, they'll pray to a man nailed to a cross, but they'll--they'll ignore the gay kid who gets strung up, or the black man who gets dragged behind a car, or someone's mother living in a box.

Ruth: Is this a school trip?

Claire: No, you go to the mountains and confront fear and get in touch with your most basic self. (pause) It looks good on your college application.

Father Clark: Well, religion is politics, David. Jesus was a revolutionary, threatened those in power, and they had him assassinated. And they'd do the same thing to him today.

Teacher: Algebra forces your mind to solve problems logically. It's one of the only perfect sciences--

Claire: You think the world runs on logic? Come on. Open your eyes.

Nate: Sorry, there was an accident on the 405. Both cars totaled. Should have stopped to hand out cards.

Life's Too Short [1.09]

Brenda: You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that's just too fucking awful to even have a name.

----

Ruth: Nathaniel, what happened to us? We were so in love once.

Nathaniel: Life happened to us. I buried hundreds of people and we watched each other grow old.

Ruth: But we're not old.

Nathaniel: Well, technically speaking, I'm as old as I'm ever going to get.

Ruth: We were such children when we met. Then we watched those children disappear.

----

Ruth: I miss what we had.

Nathaniel: So find it again.

The New Person [1.10]

Ruth: Thank you. I've had the best time coming to this funny restaurant and having you yell at me in the bathroom!

----

Angela: I never worked in a funeral home that was this depressing.

----

Margaret: You know some complete stranger just grabbed my ass, isn't this fabulous?!

----

David: All she told the police is that he was boring.

Nate: What, that's it?...Sick part is I understand it. [Pause]...Sometimes I'm boring.

David: Me too. [Awkward silence]

The Trip [1.11]

[During a lap dance]

Stripper: Aren't you enjoying this even one bit?

David: Yeah, I'm loving it. Why?

Stripper: Well, your dick isn't responding.

A Private Life [1.12]

Nate: (to a homophobic protester) God hates morons!

----

David: Please, God. Help me. Take this pain away. Please fill this loneliness with your love. Help me, God, please, help me.

Knock, Knock [1.13]

Tracy Montrose: Why do people have to die ?

Nate: (after a pause) To make life important.

In the Game [2.01]

Federico: Now this is a beautiful and unusual cremains vessel. The ashes actually fill these dolphins which are carved out inside.

Brody: She wasn't really into dolphins. I remember somebody suggesting she boycott tuna, y'know, because of the whole dolphins-getting-caught-in-the-net thing. And she said, "Fuck dolphins, I want a Niçoise salad."

Gabriel: I was in school today. I just wasn't in American History. I mean, who needs to know that shit anyways?

Claire: Well, somebody who wants to have a concept of how the world works so they can have a fucking chance in life.

Pastor: We tend to forget how many gifts God has given each and every one of us, because our lives are so filled with distractions, crowded with messages competing for out attention, encouraging us to be unhappy with our lives. If only we looked younger, had perfect skin, zero body fat. The truth of the matter is God loves us just the way we are.

Brody: [singing] Tiny Venus, your breath like baby rabbits on a field abuzz with bees and life. Little did you know how briefly the sun would shine upon your own private utopia. Your candle may have been blown out, but you hang in the air like smoke.

Nate: All that lives, lives forever. Only the shell, the perishable passes away. The spirit is without end. Eternal. Deathless.

Out, Out Brief Candle [2.02]

Nate: Everything's bad for something.

Brenda: That's the thing about depression: If you really allow yourself to feel it, it gets very boring, very fast.

The Plan [2.03]

Ruth: I joined "The Plan".

Claire: Isn't that like a cult or something?

Nate: No, it's one of those '70s self-discovery clubs that yell at you and don't let you go to the bathroom for 12 hours, right?

Ruth: [takes out yogurt cup] I think this will do. All right, I'm leaving you without dinner. I'll be back really late.[leaves]

Claire: This whole concept of Mom self-actualizing is making me nauseous.

Nate: You're sure it's that and not the concept of Mom pissing in a plastic jar?

----

Mrs. Piper: I'm a psychic, so, y'know...

David: Wow, that must be very interesting.

Mrs. Piper: It's just more information.

Claire: You know, it's polite for the first person downstairs to make the coffee, even if that person has a penis!

Nate: Well you know, it's also polite for the first person who uses the bathroom to spend less than 45 minutes in there, even if that person has a vulva.

Ruth: [entering] Oh goodness, everyone's here.

David: With all their genitalia.

Gary: No one can ever solve someone else's life.

Claire: So basically your job is pointless.

Gary: No one but a guidance counselor, I mean.

Brenda: Academia is one huge circle jerk. All the sequestered people desperately defending the one good idea they have had in their lives.

Nate: What about you saying that things happen that leave marks... in people, in space, in time?

Brenda: Yeah thats physics. Energy affecting matter. Talking to dead people is delusional.

Nate: So you definitely don't believe in any kind of a life after death?

Brenda: I think people live on through the people they love, and the things they do with their lives.. if they manage to do things with their lives.

Nate: But that's it, that's it? That's all there is, there's nothing more, there's nothing like bigger?

Brenda: Just energy.

Nate: But there's no plan, no-

Brenda: No, there's definetely no plan. Just survival. Should I have ordered the salmon?

Nate: Uh, I dont know. How can you live like that? I mean, what if you found out you were gonna die tomorrow?

Brenda: I've been prepared to die tomorrow since I was six years old.

Nate: Really?

Brenda: Yeah, pretty much. We never got butter.

Nate: Well why since you were six?

Brenda: Because I read a report on the effect nuclear war would have on the world and it was pretty clear to me at that point that this was definitely gonna happen.

Nate: When you were six?

Brenda: And I wake up every day pretty much surprised that um.. everything is still here.

Nate: Well I dont understand how you can live like that.

Brenda: Well I thought we all did.

Plan Counselor: Who's buying Ruth's house? We don't believe your house is structurally sound, Ruth.

Ruth: Who knows better: me or a room full of complainers?

Plan Counselor: What do you really want to complain about? Really?

Ruth: The fact that the blood stopped circulating in my rear end four hours ago.

Plan Counselor: Okay, what else?

Ruth: You want me complain? Alright then, fuck this. Fuck you, fuck all of you with your sniveling self-pity. And fuck all your lousy parents. Fuck my lousy parents while we're at it. Fuck my selfish bohemian sister and her fucking bliss. Fuck my legless grandmother. Fuck my dead husband and my lousy children with their nasty little secrets. And fuck you Robbie for dragging me to this terrible place and not letting me have a Snickers bar! I'm going to get something to eat!

Driving Mr. Mossback [2.04]

Nate: Yeah, I'll have a double dub - uh - uh - a - a Chubby - a double Chubby - a Chubby Chubby - a double double - a double chubby - a chubby chubby - a chub - I'll have a doub - I'll have a double Chubby cheeseburger.

[scrunches eyes, in a major headache]

Nate: Oh, fuck me!

The Invisible Woman [2.05]

David: Maybe Emily Previn was autistic. I read an article once about a high-functioning autistic person who didn't need people. She just had a job designing these big cattle slaughterhouses. At night, she came home and sat in a machine that made her feel like she was being hugged. And that was all the intimacy she needed.

Nate: That’s really upsetting.

Claire: I don’t see why this person has to be mentally ill, just because she had a life that doesn’t conform to some familiar image that we have in our heads. Maybe she was living the live she wanted. The life without the hustle of other people.

Ruth: WHAT KIND OF A LIFE IS THAT?!

Brenda: You know, it's just so sad that you can love somebody so much and have absolutely no idea what's going on in their head.

In Place of Anger [2.06]

[Brenda tells her massage client to roll on his back. When he does so, she notices he has an erection]

Client: Sorry. Happens to me all the time.

Brenda [as she puts a head support under his head, her breast in his fac]): Nothing I haven't seen before, so don't be embarrassed.

Client: Who said I'm embarrassed?

Brenda [looking at him. Beat] Hmmm. [laughs gently, tries to go back to her work] Okay.

[Brenda stares at his erect penis, then stares at him. All of a sudden, she puts her hand on it and gives him a strong handjob]

Client [looks pleasantly surprised but thinks it is too enforced]: Oh... easy.

[Brenda does it a little more gently]

Client: Yeah, feels good...

Brenda: Like that?

Client: Oh, yeah.

Brenda: Yeah?

Client: Oh! Harder.

[Brenda tightens up her grip]

Client: Oh, God, yeah!

Brenda: Yeah?

Client: Yeah, yeah... Faster! Yeah, oh my God, oh.

Brenda [smiles and utters quietly]: C'mon...

Client: Oh, oh, oh...ah, ah, ah.

[The client moans in ecstacy as he finally climaxes]

----

[Nate and Brenda are talking about the book she is writing]

Nate: Well, who's Christina? Is that your fictional alter ego? Your Holden Caulfield?

Brenda: She's more like my Humbert Humbert.

[Nate stares blankly]

Brenda: You know, my Constance Chatterley.

[Nate looks slightly confused]

Brenda: She's like Hermione in the Harry Potter books.

Nate: What would you rather have: Some overly-educated gasbag like Trevor... or a semi-literate fuck machine like me? Come on.

Brenda: That's a no-brainer. No pun intended.

Back to the Garden [2.07]

Rabbi: Maybe your soulmate is the one who forces your soul to grow the most?

----

Rabbi: Better is one day in this life than all eternity in the world to come.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year [2.08]

[Brenda browses through clothes in a department store when a saleswoman approaches her]

Saleswoman: Anything I can help you with?

Brenda: Yes, I'm looking for clothes so expensive only an idiot would buy them. [walks over to a skirt] Oh, there they are!

[The saleswoman walks away angrily]

----

[A man shopper smiles for Brenda as she buys clothes. They slowly approach each other]

Brenda: Excuse me. [reaching for a skirt]

Man: Be my guest.

[Brenda slowly puts her hand on his and lightly brushes it with her fingertips. He reacts by slowly putting his hand on her butt. Brenda thinks for a moment and then moves his hand to her front and puts it up her dress. He starts giving her a handjob below her dress]

Saleswoman [her arrival causes him to take out his hand]: Excuse me. Your wife would like you to see how she looks in her Jill Sanders sweater.

[The man leaves]

Saleswoman (now looking at Brenda): And I think you should leave. Or I'll have to call security.

Brenda [as she leaves]: Do you validate?

Someone Else's Eyes [2.09]

Brenda: Future is just a fucking concept, that we use to avoid being alive today.

----

[During intake, the step-mother and daughters are bickering over the decedent's request to be buried beside his first wife]

Daughter#1: It's what our father wanted.

Step-Mother: No, it's what YOU want, because you never liked me!

Daughter#1: Well, you got that right.

Step-Mother: You hate that you couldn't control your father when he was alive and now you're trying to do it when he's dead.

Daughter #2: It was his decision!

David: There is a significant unpaid balance on the account.

Daughter#1: WE'LL PAY FOR IT!

Step-Mother: If you take one cent from him, you'll be hearing from my attorney!

David: I really don't think that's necessary.

Step-Mother: Oh No? I gave the last six years of my life to that man, and contrary to what THESE STUPID BITCHES THINK I REALLY did love him and I will NOT be humiliated like this!

Daughter #2: Yeah, well if you do not follow our father's instructions exactly, you'll be hearing from our attorney, who used to work for Disney.

Step-Mother: Oh, bring it on ferret face!

Daughter#2: OH FUCK YOU! YOU GOLD-DIGGING SLUT!

Step-Mother: How DARE you!

Daughter#2: There are naked pictures of you on the internet, my son showed them to me!

Nate: SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Jesus Christ, a man died. Your husband, your father lived a life and now he's dead. Show some respect.

----

Billy: I'm not saying that you did it on purpose! But I do think we need to disengage from each other, because our relationship is really toxic.

The Secret [2.10]

Ruth: So, what's new?

Brenda: Actually, I spent all night doing it with this couple from Orange County. And I have absolutely no idea why.

----

Nate: One sip of Margaret's punch and you'll be totally knocked out.

[Claire and Ruth leave]

Margaret: More punch any one?

Claire: Sure, I'll take another hit.

Margaret: Are you sick dear or are you always this deathly pale?

----

Dr. Michaelson [As imagined by Brenda]: I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help you, because you don't need any help. You've clearly evolved beyond the need for therapy. I'm actually in awe of you, because I'd be fucking strangers like a truck-stop whore on crack if I wasn't so inhibited by my pathetic Judeo-Christian upbringing

The Liar and the Whore [2.11]

Claire: If we live our lives the right way, then every single thing we do becomes a work of art

----

[Brenda smokes pot on her porch. Two stoners from the street notice this and approach her]

Short Stoner: Yo.

Tall Stoner: Can you spare a joint?

[Brenda puts her pot down, enters her house, which door she leaves open, and drops her top to remain in her bra. The stoners look at each other and the tall one then leads his friend inside]

----

[Brenda lies down in her bed after the tall stoner finished taking her from behind while his friend smoked weed]

Brenda: Okay, you guys need to go now.

Short Stoner: Okay, then.

Tall Stoner: Hmm, can I have your number?

Brenda: Why? So we can date?

Tall Stoner [as they leave]: Late'.

----

Ruth: Claire, are you depressed?

Claire: I'm not even going to answer that question.

Ruth: Well, whatever you're going through, I hope you don't blame me

I'll Take You [2.12]

Ruth: I would like to go on record as saying I am in full support of you going to art school.

Claire: Consider it recorded. But I'm just taking a tour. Let's not get our panties in a wad over it.

----

[Keith cleans the house and David combs Taylors hair for the Social Worker's visit]

David: What are you looking for?

Keith: Anything that seems too uh...funny.

David: Funny ha-ha or funny gay?

----

Taylor [commenting on the Social worker after he leaves the house]: Okay, THAT man is totally gay.

The Last Time [2.13]

Ruth: Clearly there's something wrong with me, that you hide something like this from me, your brother and sister knew for months.

Nate: I wanted to protect you

Ruth: You're not supposed to protect ME, I'M SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOU. That's what a mother does. She tries. Most of the time she fails, but how are you ever going to feel loved if you don't ever let me try.

Nate: I do, I do feel loved.

Ruth [crying]: There's just so many months I could have loved you better.

Nate: You loved me fine.

Ruth: You're everything... you're everything to me and you don't even know it.

Nate [crying]: Oh, GOD, I don't wanna go. Oh, I can't do this. I can't!

Ruth: I won't let you go, I'll never let you go.

----

Phil: Come back tomorrow noon, we'll torch him then.

----

Parker: That little Indian bitch turned herself in so that she wouldn't come back as a rodent.

----

Claire [on Nikolai]: How thrilled are we that we never have to call him "Daddy"?

David: Thank God she snapped out of it.

Perfect Circles [3.01]

Nate [About the Bennett funeral]: Can't Rico do it?

David: I believe his exact words were: "No fucking way. I'm not your fucking gopher anymore."

----

Nate [About Maya]: You guys, she took the most amazing poop this morning!

David: Who, Lisa?

The Eye Inside [3.03]

Bettina: Nothing in life is perfect!

----

Olivier: We despise ourselves so much that we consider our own point of view as trivial. But that's bullshit! That's your father talking!

----

Ruth: Chickpeas give me gas.

Lisa: This is an unusually gassy family!

----

Olivier: In the beginning, if you hate something, it's good, because you don't recognize the beauty of your own truth.

Nobody Sleeps [3.04]

Russell: I think it's really cool that you live in a funeral home.

Claire: Believe me, it's not.

Russell: Are you kidding? I'm jealous. It's totally weird... and excellent and perfect for when they write your biography.

Timing and Space [3.07]

Ruth: Oh, Arthur, hi.

Arthur: Did you have a good time stalking me this morning?

Ruth: What are you talking about?

Arthur: Oh please. If you like following people so much, why don't you join the CIA or the Moonies?! OR WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE ACTUAL FUCKING MOON AND MIND YOUR OWN MOON BUSINESS YOU....FREAK!

----

Claire: Nate, you know, this isn't the matrix. The rest of us who don't have babies, we're real.

----

Russell: I have this theory, that every now and then a person should get what they want right when they want it. It keeps you optimistic.

----

Margaret [on Marv]: He never forgave your father for being such a success or for giving up Chanukah.

----

Marv Chenowith: I remember Bern liking that poem.

Margaret: And I remember Bern thinking you were an absolute asshole.

Tears, Bones and Desire [3.08]

Arthur: Your friendship, has so much value for me. Anything more would be unprofessional.

Ruth: I know, I know.

Arthur: Please, don't kiss me again.

Ruth: I never will, never.

Arthur: Friends?

Ruth: Friends.

[Arthur moves forward to hug Ruth, but she kisses him. Arthur pulls away surprised, and runs out of the room. At this point, some children run into the kitchen]

Ruth [placing a tray of snacks on the table]: You'll have to help yourselves, I'm out of control.

----

Brenda: I wouldn't change anything. If you change one thing, that changes everything. And some things are the way they should be.

----

Nate: And your organization is called... The People?

Wife #1: Organization, I wish.

Wife #2: Family.

----

Lisa: Hi, I'd like to make a traditional massage with Brenda. I hear she's so good.

Secretary: She's booked solid.

Dana: That's what they always say and give you an intern. Do Carol.

Lisa [impersonates Carol]: This is completely unacceptable! Sherry Lansing said you can help me out.

Secretary: You're in luck, there's been a cancellation, what's your name?

Lisa (hesitates): Dana... Todd.

----

Ruth: I care for you Arthur. I care for your music, I care for your hankies. And I won't deny it because that would be a lie. But if you want me to leave, I will because that's your choice. Because I choose you.

Arthur: You know something else about Petrarch? He started the Renaissance.

[They embrace]

----

David: And you are his wife?

Wife #2: Yes

All Wives: Yes

----

Olivier: You're eighteen! You should be consumed with sex! Everything that happens should make you want to fuck. Your flesh should be on fire all the time!

Claire [Deadpan]: It is.

Russell: Yeah

The Opening [3.09]

Brenda: I can't believe how much money I've spent fucking up my life.

----

Brenda [About Margaret]: I already left a message saying I was coming over, so if she wants me to walk in on more fucking, that's her choice.

Billy: I can do it for you if you feel like you've seen enough of Mom's pussy for a few days.

Brenda: Who could ever see too much of Mom's pussy? It's like a trip down memory lane.

Everyone Leaves [3.10]

Ruth: Arthur, have you ever had sex?

Arthur: I think I have... in a sense.

----

David: I think we've had enough excitement for a while.

Keith: The threeways?

David: Well, yeah.

Keith: What about them?

David: Don't you think that maybe they're not the best thing for us?

Keith: Ho-ho really? So that wasn't you the other night that kept begging us to arrest and interrogate you?

----

[Ruth is doing laundry]

Arthur: I have some kerchiefs and some undershirts to do. I hear some people call them wife-beaters, which I think is rather funny.

Ruth: There's nothing funny about beating your wife.

----

[Russel storms out]

Olivier: He could have at least made the effort to slam the door.

Death Works Overtime [3.11]

Olivier: [to Claire] You sit in such judgement of the world. How do you expect to ever be a part of it?

----

Ruth: I refuse to believe that anything is wrong. I have to trust my feelings. Right now they're all I have.

----

Claire: I'm just trying to prepare for the worst so when it actually happens I don't feel so awful

----

Ruth: Why must you always be so negative?

Claire: Why must you always be in such deep denial?

----

Claire [to David]: What is it with you people? You can't figure out what you are on your own so you've got to string along girls like me to, what, ease the transition?

----

Nate: My wife is still missing and I can't get anyone to take me seriously!

----

Olivier: What are you the Pope, just because I f*cked your boyfriend! Get a life.

----

Nate: Your wife had cancer right?

Mr. Su [yells and cries]: NO, SHE WAS SHOT IN A HOLD UP!

Nate: Oh, I'm so sorry.

----

Ruth: I just cried all over your jacket and you're a perfect stranger.

George: Not anymore I'm not.

----

Rico [to Arthur]: Just stop f*cking whining and get the hell out of here!

----

Russell: I don't wanna live without you, I can't.

Claire [annoyed]: You're gonna have to.

Russell: I'm not gonna give up.

Claire: That's your fucking problem.

Twilight [3.12]

Federico Diaz: [while embalming a murderer] He is a fuckin' Dorito! Crunch him - they'll make more.

----

Father Jack: Truth and relationships don't make life easy. They make it possible.

----

Claire: So, what are you guys doing tomorrow?

David and Nate [In a chorus]: Same old shit.

----

Allison Williman: I lost my job to go to my father's execution. Isn't that the most pathetic thing you've ever heard?

I'm Sorry, I'm Lost [3.13]

Nathaniel Sr: You're looking for me?

Claire: Yeah, where the fuck is your grave?

----

Claire [Seeing Gabriel]: He's dead?

Nathaniel Sr.: Don't ask me, this is your thing.

----

Nathaniel Sr.: How's life?

Claire: How's death?

----

David: [to Keith] You looked so intense, the way you pointed your little alarm thingy at the car. Like, "Fuck you, car. Now you're locked!"

----

David: I felt so free, for a week. But then all of a sudden within days I went from, "Yay, I'm independent," to "Holy fuck, I'm gonna die alone."

Falling into Place [4.01]

Ruth [after sex]: Do you think we were too loud?

George: It's possible that we were too loud, yes.

----

David: I never knew the word 'George' could sound so obscene.

----

Keith: What's so strange?

David: I don't know .. the thought that I just got blown in the same bed where my mom used to read me the "Runaway Bunny".

----

Nate: So, Keith.

David: So what about him?

Nate: You guys are back together?

David: No.

Nate: He was there this morning.

David: He was a little drunk last night, I let him stay over. I was being polite.

Nate: Polite and horny.

----

Barb: Lisa didn't believe in borders and that is why I know that where ever Lisa is right now, she's everywhere! She's everywhere and that means, she's home!

----

Claire: I'm so sick of everything being so fucking awful all the time.

----

Claire [Claire has just told Russell she was pregnant by him, but has had an abortion]: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't...

Russell Corwin: Just give me a second, okay?... Just give me a second to get used to the idea of living with this for the rest of my life.

Claire: Are you fucking kidding me?

Russell Corwin: No, I'm not kidding you, Claire! It's fucking sad! It's fucking sad and it's fucked up. I mean, did you cry? Did you?

Claire [scoffs, indignant]: I cried more than you have ever cried in your whole life.

Russell Corwin [breaks down]: Then give me a fucking second to feel bad about this, okay? Just a motherfucking second!

In Case of Rapture [4.02]

Ruth: Who in the world would send you feces in the mail!?

----

Nate: Look at this Maya, somebody sent grandpa a big steaming pile of dukey!

----

Keith: I'd definitely tap that ass!

----

Nate: I can't do this any more!

David: What are you saying?

Nate: I'm saying I quit. I've got to find another kind of life for myself and not just for myself but for Maya too.

----

George: Did you know that the average American changes careers seven times during his or her lifetime?

David: Is that information supposed to be useful in some way, George?

George: It's just a fact.

----

Nate: I quit my job.

Nathaniel Sr.: I quit my fucking life.

Nate: No, you got fired.

----

David: Now it's just Fisher & Diaz, as in one FISHER and one DIAZ.

----

Arthur: That's my yogurt you're eating! I hope you plan on replacing how ever much of it you've consumed.

----

Edie: Here's a poem dedicated to every guy I've ever been with: your penis is kinda nice, too bad you're attached to it!

----

Claire: Do I need to be inspired?

Nate: Actually, you do

Parallel Play [4.03]

Celeste: Creepy Colin Farrell just left me another creepy message, can't we do something about that, you know legally?

----

Anita: It's like my brain is encased in this fluid, and if I move, then the fluid moves, and my brain kills.

----

Brenda: I've known prostitutes, and dominatrixes. I've been to sex clubs and leather clubs. I've heard of guys who could only cum with the .. I don't know, the girl is sitting on a balloon. I wrote this whole erotic novel about a girl who .. [She stops]

----

Claire: I'm so tired of hating everything.

----

Keith [About Arthur]: Maybe we should buy him a whole new wardrobe. Do they ever do that? Queer eye for the gay guy.

David: I don't think Arthur's gay, I think he's A.

Keith: I don't know, I think asexual people are asexual because they don't wanna come out of the closet.

----

Claire: Geology is controversial?

George: Oil, Claire, oil!

Claire looks at him awkwardly]

----

Rico [While embalming a girl, whose jaw is stuck into a laughing expression]: This one won't stop smiling. Wish I knew what the fuck was so funny!

----

David: Ok, if Jessica Simpson is the poor man's Britney, what's Celeste?

Keith: Maybe a thinking man's Britney! You know how music is supposed to be an inspiration for young girls, I'm not just an object, I am somebody.

David: Oh like Christina?

Keith: Yeah, like Christina. But without the ass hanging out chaps!

David: I'd like to see your ass hanging out of some chaps!

----

Anita [about Russel]: I could have sworn he was gay. [Looks at him] He's knitting!

Claire: Haven't you noticed a lot of straight guys knit these days, it's like a macho thing. Like "I'm so straight I can even knit"!

----

Celeste [on her cell]: Fred, I think I already made this perfectly clear. Yes. Yes. No, I'm fine doing crappy kid choice awards but I will NOT present with Hilary Fuckin' Duff! There has to be someone else. Come on think a little harder then that... The Olsen Twins? What was that? Suppose to be funny?

----

Keith: I need new clothes for work--not gay ski weekend at Monmouth.

----

David: Arthur quit.

Anita: Who's Arthur?

David [annoyed]: WHO ARE YOU?

----

Arthur: I could never send you POO!! Ever!

----

Claire: I wish people could just go up and bid on my room!

----

Joe: I can wait on you hand and foot, you make me a very happy man.

----

Ruth: We used to do a head...butting

George: You butted heads?

Ruth: You know like horses nuzzle.

Can I Come Up Now [4.04]

David [About The Rock]: We'd definetly tap that ass!

----

Margaret: Oh, Brenda's feeling eggy.

----

Olivier [Commenting on Margaret]: The cunt has spoken! Now the world sits in silence.

----

Ruth [About George's other son]: Why have you never told me this?

George: Because he's never really been part of my life.

Ruth: If he's sending us shit in the mail, he is a part of your life!

----

Russel [Watching a documentary about cave paintings]: That's where everything started. In those cave paintings there was the creation of the idea of image, of the representation of ourselves.

Claire: Exactly that's when we stopped living inside nature and started living inside our heads.

Anita: Yeah, just while we can just sit back and watch while greedy corporate bush suckers destroy nature, since we're no longer a part of it.

Russel: If you take humans out of nature then all there are left with is human nature.

Claire: Ok, that sounds really good, but what the fuck does that mean?

----

David [Consulting Keith what to wear on the job]: Helmut Lang jeans, black tee-shirt the faded banana republic one with the stretch, and black lace-up boots.

Keith: David, this is a profession, ok? There's an image to project. That image isn't fucking Keith of Finland.

David: Are you not out on the job?

Keith: No one's ever asked.

David: You big whore!

----

Lawrence Henry Mason: Nothing is anybody's fault.

----

David [taping an answering machine message]: Hi! You've reached David and Keith but we can't come to the phone right now because we're too gay!

----

Nate [Seeing a toy truck that's filled with feces]: Kinda brings a new meaning to the term "dump truck", huh?

That's My Dog [4.05]

David [Trying to catch the dog]: Charlie! Here boy, I got a cookie. I gotta cookie for you!

Jake: Don't lie to my dog!

----

George [to Ruth]: You deal with your messed-up children, and I'll deal with mine!

----

Margaret: Sex is something you should feel, not something you should think!

Brenda: Yeah, well, I have to think to keep from behaving in a compulsive and destructive manner thanks to my early exposure to compulsive and destructive sexual energy, thank you very much.

----

Margaret [About her vaginal rejuvenation surgery]: I mean come on! No one wants to fuck a glass of water if you know what I'm saying.

----

Keith [On phone with David]: Honey, forget about it. You're just feeling needy right now.

David: Honey? When do you ever call me honey? Because you don't want them to know you're talking to a guy. Jesus, why don't you just call me Darlene?

----

Art Student: Is this more lesbian stuff?

Art Teacher: Yes, I have to meet my quota so I get my toaster oven.

Terror Starts at Home [4.06]

Ruth: I want to know why your other wives left you!

George: Because they asked too many fucking questions!

----

Keith: There's a lot more insanity in the world than people realize. Sometimes I'm surprised it's just not total mayhem out there.

----

Ruth: Where do you keep your .. nostril pot?

George: Neti pot.

----

Ruth: Claire, will you help me clear?

[Vanessa and Ruth stand up and start taking the dishes

Claire: I'd love to, mom, but I can't have it be just the women who clear.

[Everyone look at her confused]

[Keith and Rico start taking the dishes]

Claire: And now it's just the women and the people with color who are clearing.

----

George [About David's new cellphone]: Well, it's the one good thing about getting robbed, right? It's a great excuse for getting a new gadget.

David: I hope it happens again so I can get a new palm pilot!

----

[Claire, stoned, has just written "Terror Starts At Home" on the wall]

Claire: It's like, how many evildoers do you have to kill before you become one yourself?

----

Claire: The world is ending out there and people are just getting cosmetic surgery and watching debutants get screwed up the ass.

----

George: The green house effect will definetly come to pass if we start to burn coal as oil supplies dwindle over the next twenty years, but I don't think even we could be that stupid!

----

Keith: David, you can take a little more time off.

David: Four days of daytime TV is my personal limit, ok, if I see another triumph over weight loss I think I'll kill myself!

----

Claire: We should all be working with dogs

----

Claire: Eww. Totally smells like sex in here

Edie: You missed a great show

Claire: Someone better be planning on washing my sheets tonight

Edie: How was dinner?

Claire: Kinda amazing. I really felt like I connected with my family. I wished you could have been there

Edie: I wish you here. All these guys wanna do is lick each other. I just wanna go roll in the grass.

Claire: Let's go. We've got some really amazing grass outside.

The Dare [4.07]

Keith: Javier, I'm gay. I have a boyfriend. I sleep with men, ok? I have a lot of sex and it's really really gay.

----

Celeste [To Keith]: Why didn't you tell me you were gay, bitch? (

----

David [On phone with Keith]: Sorry to bother you. And if anybody gets mad, just tell them your wife is on her woman's time. They'll feel bad for you that I'm such a bitch when I'm on the rag. Good night!

----

Rico: Having to admit fucked-up shit about yourself fucking sucks.

----

David: I don't need my baby sister baby-sitting me anymore!

----

[Keith and Javier are discussing how to pronounce someones name]

Javier: J-E-B-L-O-M-E, Jeblome!

Keith: I don't know this person!

Javier: Well say his name right, maybe you do!

Keith: Ok, Ok! Heywood Jeblome! Heywood Jeblome!

Javier: Hehehe

Keith: What's so fucking funny?

Javier: Say it again

Keith: Heywood Jeblome!

Javier: Sure I'll blow you, K.

----

Keith [About the Heywood Jablome prank]: I mean Freud was saying that on some level he wanted to blow me whether he knows it or not.

David: I don't recall Freud's position on the Heywood Jablome phony phone message.

----

Edie: I don't understand what's changed.

Claire: Nothing's changed. Part of me thinks this is what I want and part of me thinks it isn't but... what if the part who thinks it isn't feels that way because I'm scared?

Coming and Going [4.08]

Claire: It's so much easier to be gay.

David: Oh no!

Claire: Yeah, I'd have a really defined subculture.

David: Overrated!

Claire: We're both women, I'd have some idea of what she was thinking and feeling.

David: Not necessarily.

Claire: I wouldn't have to deal with unfamiliar sex organs.

David: They're all unfamiliar unless they're yours.

----

George: If you have no interest in the past and you don't read history, how can you possibly comprehend the present?

Anita: George, history is not what really happened, history is some stupid war-mongering patriarchal idea of what happened! Who gives a shit about that?

----

Ruth [To George]: I'm your seventh spouse. How much more warning do I need?

----

Celeste: I don't get fucked in the ass.

Keith: That makes one of us.

Grinding the Corn [4.09]

Keith: I slept with Celeste.

David: Ok, bullshit. Celeste is a woman .. [Confused] Isn't she?

----

Keith: Look, I fucked Celeste, you fucked veiny guy from La Habra! Tit for tat, we're even!

David: Okay, you don't get to say the word "tit" to me, ever. I'm taking a shower.

Keith: Yeah, well don't blow anybody while you're in there!

----

Nathaniel Sr. [as the Death Man]: Nobody stays!

----

George: Life is a series of accidents.

----

Brenda: Did anything bad ever happen to someone you love on a bridge?

Patient: No, but they collapse all the time. If you google "bridge collapses", you get like 1,000 hits.

----

Russell: Why are you looking at me like i'm some kind of retard?

Claire: Because I swear Russell sometimes you are. And for your information, labia are not internal organs.

The Black Forest [4.10]

David: It's just so absurd. The idea that there are kids waiting for homes, and people still have the nerve to say who's good enough, and who isn't, based on are you gay or not.

Keith: People are stupid. What a shock.

----

Keith [To David, about marriage]: You're in my will, I'm in yours. We basically are married, even if the law refuses to recognize it. But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush administration, so I guess it all evens out.

----

Edie: The world's not your own private fucking chemistry set, just stay away from me!

----

[David looks in cupboard]

David: It's a Chinese baby!

Keith: What's it doing in the cupboard?

David: Someone must have left her here for us.

Keith: Who?

David: I don't know, someone Chinese!

----

Bettina: I have colitis

Ruth: Oh, no

[playing "Scrabble"]

Bettina: C-O-L-I-T-I-S

----

[Suzanne kicks her dead husband and yells]

Suzanne Wething: You stupid, son of a bitch, you've got three beautiful girls! And they're never gonna be able to take a drink! They're never going to be able to go to cocktail hour! :[kicking him very hard] YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

Man: Suzanne, take it easy!

Suzanne: Because you are a fucking AL-CO-HOLIC!

[scene fades to white as people run for help]

----

[talking about Lisa's internment]

Brenda: Well, when you think about it this ceremony does the same thing. You want to go so that when Maya grows up you can say that, you were there.

Bomb Shelter [4.11]

Roger [To Keith]: You better go find your boyfriend. Before he bites my cat or something.

----

Vanessa [About Kenny's sister Julia]: Oh please, she smoked a little pot in high school. We all did.

Rico: I didn't!

Vanessa: I know, Rico, 'cause you were boring

----

Olivier: Of course they're going to say nice things about you; they're your kids. But me, I'm a miserable prick who cares nothing about anybody but himself and I look at you in your hospital bed, tired and worn-out from surgery, and I selfishly wonder, how long must I wait before I can fuck you?

Margaret: Wow. Finally somebody said something right.

Brenda: It would have been weird if I'd said it.

Billy: Not in this family.

Margaret: Darlings, could you give us a moment?

Brenda: Oh, Mom, you're not going to--

Margaret: I just want to be with Olivier for a minute.

----

Lady at flower shop: Um, excuse me! You can't do that here!

Anita: Oh, it's okay. Dick Cheney is my uncle.

----

Brenda: I really don't feel like making dinner for a woman who hates me.

----

George: I hope those people aren't going to be here.

Ruth: I think they're just celebrity spokespeople.

George: They're celebrities?

----

Keith: Instead of focusing on the negative think positive thoughts.

David: Does that include beating the shit out of Roger Fucking [makes fun of last name] PAS-QUE-SE!

Untitled [4.12]

Olivier: I toast you with this shitty wine.

----

Decedent's Ex-Wife: How can somebody be killed by an elevator?!

Nate:There were three other people trapped inside. He tried to get them out and the elevator tore him in half.

[Decedent's Ex-Wife vomits]

----

Margaret: Everyone should drop an organ. After the first shock, it's positively liberating!

----

Nate [to David]: I hit a new low. I made the bereaved vomit.

----

Keith [About Jake]: If you could do anything, what would you do?

David: I'd tell him what I think of him and what he did to me, that evil, evil fuck.

Keith: Well you can do that!

David: I know, I said it all to the therapy pillow.

----

Margaret: So, is this the fruit of Nate's loins?

----

Nathaniel Sr. : You aren't even grateful, are you?

David: Grateful? For the worst fucking experience of my life?

Nathaniel Sr.: You hang onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something. Well let me tell 'ya, it's not worth shit. Let it go. [Looking towards ceiling]Infinite possibilities and all he can do is whine.

David: Well what am I supposed to do?

Nathaniel Sr.: What do you think? You can do anything you lucky bastard, you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?

[pause]

David: It can't be that simple

Nathaniel Sr.: [putting his arm around David and pulling him closer] What if it is?

[David puts his head on Nathaniel Sr.'s shoulder. Camera pans out followed by fade out]

Hold My Hand [5.03]

David [to Keith about their appointment with the adoption agency]: If we're not on top of our paperwork, Shirley is going to kick our "Gay Daddy" asses into the street.

----

[Claire walks in on Ruth cleaning the kitchen in the Fisher home]

Claire: Jesus Christ Mom, will you stop cleaning and talk to me?

Ruth: No. This isn't the time and there's nothing to say.

Claire: Don't you think that it's significant that whenever I make a decision for myself, you hate me?

Ruth: I don't hate you, I hate your choices.

Claire: LOOK at me! I am an adult,and my choices are none of your business! You had no right to call that lawyer! Dad loved me, he wanted me to be happy, that's why he left me the money.

Ruth: He did not intend to finance you while you play house with a crazy person [referring to Claire and Billy's relationship]

Claire: [scoffs] Look who's talking! [referring to Ruth and George's relationship]

Ruth: He wanted you to be educated, to learn, to go to COLLEGE!

Claire: I am learning from LIFE! You don't even know what college is, you never went and that was YOUR choice and now you hate yourself for it, so you're gonna take it out on me?!

Ruth: That is NOT true!

Claire: Then STOP being such a controlling bitch and give me my money! [Ruth raises her hand to slap Claire] I will hit you back this time! [referring to an incident where Ruth slapped Claire at Nate and Brenda's wedding] Billy and I are moving to Spain and you can't stop us!

Ruth: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

[Claire grabs her belongings on the counter and leaves the Fisher home]

----

Keith [to David]: You are such a mom! [they laugh]

----

[Claire calls the family lawyer learning that Ruth froze her trust fund after her card declines at the store to buy an expensive digital camera]

Claire: So then I called the bank and they said that there had been no money deposited. Can you fix this please? I have to get a new camera.

Lawyer: Claire, you're not enrolled in college this quarter.

Claire: Who told you that?

Lawyer: Your mother, you should've told me yourself.

Claire: I'm taking some time off. So What?!

Lawyer: So, you can't access the funds. I'm sorry.

Claire: I beg your pardon. That is my money, my father gave it to me!

Lawyer: He set up a trust to pay for your education, not to support your lifestyle outside of the classroom.

Claire: It is not my lifestyle! It is my life and I am learning more now than I ever did in that pretentious art barn!

Lawyer: You know you don't inherit free and clear until you're twenty-five, the language is very specific.

Claire: This is just like bureaucratic bullshit and how am I supposed to move to Europe and fucking ripen when you won't even give me my money!

Lawyer: Your mother and I discussed this, we feel that it is in your best interest.

Claire: YOU don't even know me! [hangs up on the lawyer] Shit!

----

Nate [as imagined by Brenda during a family dinner]: Quit trying to be some fucking house Frau, alright. You're a rebel,you're a freak, we're never gonna be a real family no matter what you sauté!

Time Flies [5.04]

Nate: I just feel like all I do, all day long, is just manage myself, try to fuckin' connect with people. But it's like, no matter how much energy you pour into getting to the station on time, or getting on the right train, there's still no fuckin' guarantee that anybody's gonna be there for you to pick you up when you get there.

[Nate is looking through a photo album on his 40th birthday.]

Nathaniel Sr.: The day I turned 40, you were in Europe. I spent the whole day wondering if you'd call.

Nate: Sorry.

Nathaniel Sr.: Oh, don't apologize. You did what you had to do, you little fucker.

Nate: You know, so much crazy shit has happened since these pictures were taken. So much. The idea of 40 more years...

Nathaniel Sr.: The next 40 fly by much faster. It'll be over before you know it.

Nate: Time flies when you're having fun, ha?

Nathaniel Sr.: No, time flies when you're pretending to have fun. Time flies when you're pretending to love Brenda and that baby she wants so much. Time flies when you're pretending to know what people mean when they say, "Love". Face it, buddy-boy, there's two kinds of people in the world, there's you, and there's everybody else, and never the twain shall meet.

[Billy is being weird at Nate's birthday party.]

Claire: Did you stop taking your medication?

Billy: Yeah! But, that's a good thing.

Claire: Why?

Billy: Because, Claire, okay, I'm sick of feeling like I am living every moment inside a giant Xeroxed fucking cotton ball.

[Billy and George Sibley are talking on the porch. Billy is sneaking a beer.]

George Sibley: So, you stopped taking them? Just like that?

Billy: Yep.

George Sibley: How do you feel?

Billy: I feel a little tingly. That's about it. What do they got you on these days?

George Sibley: Well they just switched me from Lithium to Tophranil...

Billy: Oh.

George Sibley: ... in between the shock treatments.

Billy: What are those like?

George Sibley: Honestly, I don't know. I go in. They put me on a bed. They give me some oxygen. They say, "You're going to feel a little prick in your hand." That always makes me laugh. And then the next thing I know I wake up with the worst headache I've had in my life.

Billy: You think it's helping?

George Sibley: I think that, as Émile Coué used to say, "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better." But not everyone agrees.

Billy: Yeah. It's hard to get your shit together with someone watching all the time.

George Sibley: Hmm, yeah it is. But when no one is watching, then where are you? Where the fuck are you then?

George Sibley: Nobody grows up thinking this is the way they're gonna turn out to be. If I could change just by snapping my fingers, I'd do it.

Ruth: I know you would, George.

George Sibley: I am trying so hard to get better.

Ruth: And you are.

George Sibley: But not fast enough for you!

Ruth: You're getting better as fast as you can. I know that.

George Sibley: I am so lucky. I hate that I'm the lucky one. No one's ever lucky to have me. Nobody's ever been lucky to have me.

Eat a Peach [5.05]

David: I thought he was special not retarded special [referring to Anthony at the adoption fair]

----

Vanessa Diaz: You know, lately, I was thinking there was a chance that maybe we could get back together. Boy, do I need my fucking head examined... I can't believe I married a fucking embalmer.

----

Keith [They look at themselves in a mirror]: Look at us. You know what we look like?

David: Homos?

[They laugh]

----

Nate [to Brenda]: What am I supposed to tell her that her real mommy got pregnant,and made me trapped into marrying her while she was fucking her brother-in-law and then he murdered her because she tried to break it off and that he might even be her real dad? I just want to spare her that, but I don't have to spare me that.

The Rainbow of Her Reasons [5.06]

Marianne: What's the matter Claire? Is it Kirsten? Is she being a butt?

Claire: Oh no, it's not that, it's just these panty hose.

Marianne: Oh. Do you have a run cuz I have a little clear polish you can put on it…

Claire: No, no, it's not that it's just they're squeezing against my entire torso and I feel like I can't even breathe. I mean none of this work would even seem that hard if I didn't feel like I was sitting in a torture chamber all day.

Marianne: Maybe you should try a different brand, mine energize me.

Claire: No, it's not the brand, I mean they're all the same it's…I mean, I don't understand how having your legs sheathed in this like smooth plastic Barbie leg like encased in a sausage casing would help you do your job better. I mean, doesn't it seem sexist that it's a regulation only for women?

Marianne: Men have to wear ties.

Claire: Right but they don't suffocate you…and it's not on their penis.

Marianne: I'm gonna go wash out some mugs.

----

Sarah (to Ruth): You say there's a reason that Grandma lost her legs and there's a reason there's war and tsunamis and there's a reason that GEORGE FUCKING BUSH GOT REELECTED!?

----

Nate: Love isn't something you feel, it's something you do. If the person you're with doesn't want it, do yourself a favor and save it for someone who does.

The Silence [5.07]

Ruth: Just leave me alone so I can shrivel up in peace.

----

Margaret: All couples have these types of disagreements. You think I didn't want to abort you and Billy?

Singing for Our Lives [5.08]

Maggie Sibley: What's wrong?

Nate: [Nate breathing heavily] My arm is numb...

[slurs]

Nate: Numb arm... numb arm... narm!... Narm!

Ecotone [5.09]

George Sibley: It's perfectly normal to live in a bombshelter!

Ruth: [to Hiram] Oh go give yourself a handjob!

All Alone [5.10]

Brenda: (to Maggie) What is this, some Quaker thing? You fuck someone's husband to death then you bring them a quiche?

----

David: You could've dressed.

Claire: I couldn't.

David: The rest of us managed.

Claire: Well then the rest of you win.

----

Rico: I think we're all in shock. Three years ago, we prayed for Nate's life, and we thought our prayers were answered. Now, we have to pray for help making sense of this loss. Because... we've lost a lot. A son, a father, a brother, a husband, a colleague... To me, an inspiration. He had a natural sense. He had a natural sense of what to say to people when they were grieving. And I just think he'd know what to say to help us, If only he were here.

----

David: I'm David fisher and Nate was my big brother. When we were kids, I used to get picked on at school. I'd come home with my face, or my pride, bruised and Nate would make me tell him who did it, and he'd go talk to whoever was tormenting me and I'd be fine... until it happened again, so Nate came up with another strategy. He said, "When they start in on you, just laugh, laugh at them, even if they hit you, laugh. Well, I could never pull that off. But that was Nate. He could laugh at anything, and people were always drawn to him because he could make the best of the worst situation. Even when life hit him, it couldn't ki-- [chokes]

----

George Sibley: This is a hard day, and we're all very upset. The loss of a young person is always a terrible blow. But in this case, it's even more cruel because Nate was an idealist, and he struggled, all through his life, to be a good man. He wasn't perfect, but then who among us is? And he never gave up on himself, the people he loved, or even love itself, in all its vexing, beautiful forms.

----

David: I LOST HIM TOO MOM!

----

Ruth: God is an asshole!

Sarah: Yes, Ruth. god is a huge asshole and we fucking hate him for this.

Static [5.11]

Nate [as imagined by Brenda]: I'm just saying you only get one life. There's no god, no rules, no judgments, except for those you accept or create for yourself. And once it's over, it's over. Dreamless sleep forever and ever. So why not be happy while you're here. Really. Why not?

----

David: I have a fucking husband, Rico and I have two children! When are you going to realize that I'm a human being just like you?! When?! When?

----

Claire: I am not drunk.

Kirsten: It seems like you are.

Claire: I'm not. [stumbles out of the bathroom stall]

Kirsten: Claire, you fell asleep at your desk this morning, twice and I can smell it.

Claire: You can't smell vodka.

Kirsten: I can.

Claire: Anyway, you're being a little fucking bitch.

Kirsten: Alright Claire, we're all really sorry that you're brother died

Claire :(sarcastically) Really?

Kirsten: Yeah, really. But you've been drunk or high at work like [Claire laughs] everyday this week and it's starting to scare people. I mean I've told them all to give you a break, but...

[Claire interrupts in mid-sentence]

Claire: Well, this doesn't feel like much of a fucking break, Kirsten; being followed into the bathroom and lectured at by some school teacher.

Kirsten: Just go home for the day and sleep it off okay. I won't tell.

Claire: You won't tell?

Kirsten: No.

Claire: Who won't you tell?

Kirsten: Human Resources.

Claire:(antagonistic) You wanna fucking tell.

Kirsten: (starts to get upset) Alright, I'll tell Human Resources!

Claire [Throws paper towels at Kirsten]: GODDAMMIT, GO TELL, TELL!!

Kirsten: Ok, ok, I am WICKED pissed! You are gonna be so fired!

Claire: Yeah, well... I'm fucking Ted.

Kirsten [sotto voce]: No way.

Claire: Way.

Kirsten: Marianne and Johnny didn't wanna [Claire interrupts in mid-sentence]

Claire: Didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Sorry. [Gives Kirsten both middle fingers as she walks out of the bathroom in anger and disgust]. [Turns to the bathroom mirror] Way.

[Ted is trying to drag an inebriated Claire in the home, camera pans on support our troops bumper sticker on a large SUV. ]

Claire: Support our troops?! What a bunch of bullshit!

Mrs.Duncan: Miss, I don't know what you want me to do!

Claire: Why don't you try driving something that doesn't require so much gas for starters, if you're so fucking concerned.

[David and Rico come outside after hearing the commotion]

Ted: Ok, come on, Claire, let's go inside. Sorry [to Mrs.Duncan ].

[David and Rico run outside to mediate the confrontation]

Claire: Yeah, we wouldn't wanna offend anybody while they're supporting our TROOPS!

David: Claire, Shut up!

Claire: Dozens of fucking Iraqis are still dying everyday, the whole world hates us for going in there in the first place, and terrorists are still gonna be blowing shit up in this country for the next hundred years! And the best thing she could think of to do about it is put that sticker on that enormous shitbox!

David [To Ted]: Take her inside!

Rico [to Mrs.Duncan while ushering her to the SUV away from Claire]: There has been a death in the family recently, I am so, so sorry.

Claire [while running up to Mrs.Duncan's daughter]: You know they still bring the wounded soldiers back at night, so the press can't even film it and nobody sees. American soldiers are still getting fucked up everyday and they don't even tell us. [Mrs.Duncan's daughter runs in the car to get away] So it's all so you could put GAS in this enormous fucking CAR of yours [Claire swings her purse at Mrs.Duncan's SUV while they're inside] TO KEEP EVERYBODY FEELING REALLY FUCKING AMERICAN!!! SUCH A BUNCH OF SHIT!!![Claire wildly kicks at Mrs.Duncan's SUV while David and Ted try to hold her back]

Rico: Claire, shut the hell up! Her brother just died! Dammit!

Claire [sotto voce]: I'm sorry.

[Rico runs to Mrs.Duncan's car to apologize about Claire's behavior,while Claire swings her purse at the mailbox]

Rico: I am so sorry, Mrs. Duncan.

Mrs. Duncan: You should be!

Rico: She will not be here tomorrow.

Mrs.Duncan: I should hope not! She seems like she's on drugs.

Rico: She usually is. Bye-bye, thank you. [The Duncans drive off].

----

[David is putting stitches on the corpse of Paul Duncan (a triple amputee Iraq war vet) in the embalming room]

Paul Duncan: AAGH! FUCK!!![jerks from the pain of the needle, while David stops and scrambles backwards to the counter]I'M NOT DEAD!

David [stammering]: Oh,I'm sorry,I'm a Funeral Director!

Paul Duncan: KILL ME! KILL ME WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE! KILL ME, I WANTED TO DIE PLEASE!

David: This is not happening.

Paul Duncan: KILL ME YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS, I DON'T WANNA BE HERE!

David: This is NOT FUCKING HAPPENING! [Paul Duncan sobs]

Paul Duncan [stops sobbing and sits upright on the embalming table]: Ok, maybe it isn't, but that doesn't mean you're not totally fucking alone. You're gonna die, David. Just like Nate, just like your Dad, just like everybody.

David: I am aware of the reality of death. I work with it everyday.

Paul Duncan: You're scared. You're more scared now than you've ever been in your life. You thought you knew what fear was when Jake poured gas all over your head, but this? This simple, unavoidable fact that you're alive and alone and you'll be dead, gone.

David:[sotto voce]: Stop it.

Paul Duncan: You'll never see Keith after that, you'll never see your boys.

David: SHUT UP!

[ David is breathing heavily while staring at the corpse of Paul Duncan lying on the table]

----

Claire: Why did you have to die? It really sucks. Everything's unravelling since you're gone.

Nate [as a ghost]: That's not true.

Claire: It feels that way. I miss you. I miss you so fucking much!

Nate: I miss you too.

Claire: You know how I always used to tell you you weren't Dad, after Dad died? It was such a waste of time thinking that way.

Nate: No, it's just part of how you dealt with it. It kept you from missing Dad so much.

Claire: No, it kept me from ever knowing you as much as I really could have, and now you are so completely fucking gone! It's just...

Nate: Claire--

Claire: What? It sucks!

Nate: Stop listening to the static.

Claire: What the fuck does that mean?

Nate: Nothing, it just means that everything in the world is like this transmission, making its way across the dark. But everything - death, life, everything - it's all completely suffused with static. [makes static sounds] You know? But if you listen to the static too much it fucks you up.

Claire: Are you high?

Nate: I am actually, yeah, quite high.

----

[Ted is in Claire's loft over the coach house and hands her a bottle of water to drink in an attempt to sober her up, and Claire takes a few swigs]

Claire: There, now gimme my keys.

Ted: Where do you want to go?

Claire: Ted, just gimme my fucking keys!

Ted: No, I'm not gonna let you drive messed up like that. [Stuffs Claire's car keys in his pocket]

[Claire gets up from her chair and hurls the bottle of water at Ted in a drunken rage]

Claire: FUCK! I don't want you here and I don't even like you. You are a fascist, republican asshole and the fact that I even like you is total proof how fucked up my life really is! You look really stupid right now. So just go, leave me alone. GO YOU FREAK GET OUT!

Ted: I'll come by and drop your keys off tomorrow. [leaves Claire's loft]

----

[Claire and the mechanic haggle over the cost of her totaled car at the nature preserve while they wait to have it towed]

Mechanic: You should be thinking how lucky you are to be alive, young lady. Instead of trying to jack up the price on a totaled car.

Everyone's Waiting [5.12]

David: We've been clutching so desperately to the past, and for what?

Ruth: Because that's when there was hope.

-----

Margaret: Ruth, it isn't the '50s anymore. No matter how you dress.

-----

Man: Claire, hi, this is Gavin at New Image. And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but New Image has been bought by stock options and they're consolidating their operations, and... well, they're in Chicago, so I hope you haven't headed out here yet. Sorry.

Nate: Aw, who cares? Go anyway.

Claire: What, are you crazy? I'm gonna move to New York City without a job?

Nate: Mom gave you the money, you're gonna land somewhere. You'll be fine. You're talented, you're smart. You're ready.

Claire: What if I'm not?

Nate: Claire, you want to know a secret? I spent my whole life being scared. Scared of not being ready, of not being right of not being who I should be. And where did it get me?

Claire: What should I tell everyone tonight?

Nate: Nothing! You can't stay here!

-----

Claire: Mom.

Ruth: My sweet baby girl.. Don't let them work you too hard at your new job.

Claire: I won't. Mom, I really hope you can come and visit.

Ruth: I'll try.

[Ruth Hugs Clare]

Ruth: Oh, Claire. I pray you'll be filled with hope for as long as you possibly can.

Claire: Thank you for everything and thank you for giving me life.

Ruth: You gave me life.

Claire: Oh my god I don't wanna go.

-----

Claire: Oh, I wanna take a picture of everyone.

Nate: You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone.