South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut Quotations

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is a 1999 film based on the animated television series South Park.
Directed by Trey Parker. Written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Pam Brady.

Eric Cartman

How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?

I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Dialogue

Stan: Mom, can I have $8 to see a movie?

Sharon Marsh: A movie?

Stan: It's gonna be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada!

Kenny's Mom: Where do you think you're going?

Kenny: [muffled] I'm going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie.

Kenny's Mom: You can't, you have to go to church.

Kenny: [muffled] But Mom, I really wanna see the movie!

Kenny's Mom: Well, that's just fine. You go ahead and miss church, then when you die and go to hell, you can answer to SATAN!

Kenny: [muffled] OK!

Ike: Buh-buh-buh-buh.

Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike: Don't kick the baby.

Kyle: Kick the baby!

[Ike is kicked through a window]

Sheila Broflovski: Ike! You broke another window! That's a bad baby! Bad baby!

Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.

Cartman: Let's see. Nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.

Kyle: Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

Cartman: Hey!

Phillip: Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynecologist?

Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. What?

[Phillip farts]

Stan: Where do they come up with this stuff?

Terrance: You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip!

Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a pig-fucker?

Terrance: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.

Phillip: Oh yeah!

Phillip: Oh, you shit-faced cock-master!

Cartman: Shit-faced cock-master.

Terrance: Listen, you donkey-raping shit eater--

Kyle: Donkey-raping shit eater?

Ike: Dopey-waping sheedeeder.

Mr. Garrison: OK, kids, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?

Clyde: Twelve?

Mr. Garrison: OK. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone?

Kyle: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.

Cartman: [mocking Kyle in high-pitched, gibberish voice]

Kyle: Shut up, fat boy!

Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!

Mr. Garrison: Eric! Did you just say the F-word?!

Cartman: Jew?

Kyle: No, he's talking about the word fuck. You can't say fuck in school, ya fuckin' fat ass!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Mr. Garrison: Eric!

Stan: Dude, you just said fuck again!

Mr. Garrison: Stanley!

Kenny: [muffled] Fuck.

Mr. Garrison: Kenny!

Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody! Fuck, fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck!

Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?

Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?

[everyone gasps]

Mr. Garrison: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...Actually, what I said was...[picks up a megaphone] How would you like to suck my BALLS, Mr. Garrison?

[Garrison stands rooted to the spot, frozen with fury]

Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Chef: Hello there, children!

Boys: Hey, Chef.

Chef: How's everything?

Boys: Bad.

Chef: Why bad?

Kyle: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again.

Chef: That's too bad.

Stan: How can I get a woman to like me more than another guy?

Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just have to find the clitoris.

Stan: The what?

Chef: Whoops!

Stan: What does that mean, find the clitoris?

Chef: Just forget I said anything! Please!

Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?

Mr. Mackey: M'kay, what?

Cartman: What's the big fuckin' deal, bitch?

Mr. Mackey: Aaah! Now I want to know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?

Stan: Um...

Kyle: We heard Mr. Garrison say them a few times.

Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt Mr. Garrison ever said "eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker."

Liane Cartman: Eric, what is it?

Cartman: I saw him, I saw Kenny!

Liane Cartman: Oh, you poor dear. You've been through so much. [strokes Cartman]

Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Hey, I can't say "pissed off"? [gets shocked again] Ow!

Cartman: Mom, if you were in a German Scheisse video, you would tell me, right?

Liane Cartman: [pause] Sure, hon. Good night!

Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.

Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.

Kyle: Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?

Clyde: 'Course not! My mommy says I hate Canadians because they made me have a dirty mouth!

Kyle: Ike, you have to stay in the attic, cause if they find you, they'll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Don't worry, Ike, we're gonna put an end to this, and then I'll make Mom come home and we'll be a family again.

Ike: I like baby's home. [starts playing harmonica]

Gregory: I'm here for la resistance.

Kyle: What's the password?

Gregory: I don't know.

Kyle: Guess!

Gregory: Bacon?

Kyle: OK.

Kyle: You're late, Cartman!

Cartman: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.

Kyle: Your behind?

Cartman: I have to say "behind" 'cause I get shocked if I say "ass"-- [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!

Kyle: We can't leave without you!

The Mole: It's OK, I'm done for.

Kyle: No, we can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!

Kyle: Mole, be careful.

The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?!

Stan: [to Cartman] Damn, that kid is fucked up!

Stan: Do you know where I can find the clitoris?

Kyle: The what?

Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Shelly Marsh: All right, you turds! Listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, so they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?

Stan: Shelly, where's the clitoris?

[Shelly picks up a chair and hits Stan over the head with it]

Stan: Ow!

Shelly: You just sit there and keep your mouths shut while I go listen to my Britney Spears records.

Stan: We're La Resistance. We want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.

Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

Stan: Why are you grounded?

The Mole: Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cock-sucking asshole, then I get grounded.

The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?

Stan: Check!

The Mole: And the rope?

Stan: Check!

The Mole: And the butt-for?

Stan: What's a butt-for?

The Mole: For pooping, silly. [takes a long drag on his cigarette, then puffs out smoke]

Terrance: Want to see the northern lights?

[Lights his fart on fire and burns up]

Phillip: You burned yourself to death by lighting your own fart!

Terrance: I sure did, Phillip.

[Phillip farts, sending Terrance flying through the air]

Terrance: Good one, Phillip!

Phillip: Cheers, fuck-face.

Conan O'Brien: Guys, you can't say that on TV--

Phillip: Now Terrance smells like my ass!

Brooke Shields: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!

[silence; Terrance slaps her]

[Terrance and Phillip are in electric chairs]

Sheila Broflovski: Any last words?

Phillip: How's aboot, get me the fuck out of this chair?!

Terrance: This is worse than the time I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.

Phillip: I know, Terrance. I know.

[the boys exit the theatre]

Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

Cartman: You bet your FUCKING ass it was!

Theatre Clerk: Hey, wait a minute! Where's your guardian?

Stan: Huh?

Theatre Clerk: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in!

Cartman: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater.

Mr. Mackey: Here's a list of the things they've been saying in class.

[all the moms look at the list]

Sharon Marsh: Oh dear God...

Sheila Broflovski: What the heck is a Rimjob?!

Liane Cartman: Why, that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.

[the others frown angrily at Liane]

Sheila: Young man, you will tell us this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases!

Kyle: We, uh, we--

Stan: We can't tell you! We all swore ourselves to secrecy!

Cartman: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie!

Stan: Dude!

Cartman: What? Fuck you guys, I wanna get out of here!

[at a spelling bee]

Teacher: The word is 'forensics.'

Boy: Ah, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell forensics?

Kids: Yeah!

Boy: Here you go! [writes on the blackboard] S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S! 'Forensics.'

Sheila Broflovski: So, boys, you saw that movie again?

Boys: [miserably] Yes.

Sheila: Well Kyle, I've had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!

Kyle: Grounded?!

Sharon Marsh: And you, Stanley, come on.

Liane Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.

Cartman: Hey, why the fuck am I grounded more? That's fucking bullshit!

Sheila: What-what-what?! What was that word, young man?!

Satan: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?

Saddam Hussein: I love you.

Satan: I want to believe that.

Saddam Hussein: So let's shut off that light and get close, huh?

Saddam Hussein: Hey, Satan, I got some new luggage for our trip up to Earth. Let's fuck to celebrate!

Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm someone else?

Saddam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red, who am I going to pretend you are? Liza Minnelli?

[Satan walks offscreen]

Saddam Hussein: Aw, don't get all pissy!

Stan: Why did our moms have to arrest Terrence and Phillip?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know. They're probably just having their periods or something.

Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I believe that was a sexist statement.

Mr. Garrison: Well I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Billy Baldwin: [answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin call his extension, stoopid! [hangs up phone] Hey, Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

Alec Baldwin: What?

Billy Baldwin: Nothing! Ha-ha-ha!

[Canadian jet fighters bomb the Baldwin residence, leaving only Billy alive]

Billy Baldwin: Missed me! Ha-ha-ha!

[a single fighter returns and bombs him]

Saddam Hussein: Oh boy! I'm so excited! Just one more day until we take over the world!

Satan: [reading "Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus"] This book is really interesting. It explains how people communicate differently, like how I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and then you--

Saddam Hussein: That's interesting, now let's fuck!

Satan: [disgusted] Saddam! I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!

Saddam Hussein: [pulls out a dildo from under the covers] Hey, Satan!

Satan: Now that is just not appropriate!

Saddam Hussein: Come on, I'm just fucking with you, it's not real! [throws the dildo away]

Satan: It's still inappropriate.

Saddam Hussein: [pulls out another dildo, whispers] Saaaaatan(!)

Satan: Ah!

Saddam Hussein: Hey Satan, did you hear the news? A war just broke up on Earth.

Satan: [to Kenny, who is chained to a torturing device] Meet Sadam Hussein, my new partner in evil.

Saddam Hussein: [starts operating the torture device] Yeah! Yeah, this is getting me so hot! Hey Satan, come on over here and rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy!

Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

General: I don't listen to hip-hop.

General: Fucking Windows 98! Get Bill Gates in here!

[Gates enters with guns held to his head]

General: You told us that Windows 98 would be faster and more efficient, with better access to the Internet!

Bill Gates: It is faster, over five million-- [the General shoots Gates in the face]

Dr. Doctor: Kenny?

Kenny: [muffled] Holy shit, dude.

Dr. Doctor: How you feeling, Kenny?

Kenny: [muffled] Like a sick animal.

Dr. Doctor: Good. Son, we have some bad news. We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato; you have about five seconds to live.

Kenny: [muffled] What?! [Kenny's blows up, spraying everyone with offal]

Cartman: Fucking weak, dude!

Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastards!

Dr. Doctor: [tortured] Damn it! It never gets any easier! [walks away whistling]

Cartman: [patient B-5] My head hurts.

Dr. Vosknocker: Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say 'doggy.'

Cartman: Doggy.

Dr. Vosknocker: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. Now say 'Montana.'

Cartman: Montana.

Dr. Vosknocker: Good, now say 'pillow.'

Cartman: Pillow.

Dr. Vosknocker: All right, now I want you to say 'horse fucker.'

[Cartman hesitates]

Liane Cartman: Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.

Cartman: Horse fuck-- [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow! That hurt, god damn it! [gets shocked by the V-chip again] Ow! Fuck! [gets shocked by the V-chip a third time] Owwww!

Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say 'big floppy donkey dick.'

Cartman: No!

Dr. Vosknocker: Success! The child doesn't want to swear!

Cartman: This isn't fair you sons of bi-- [gets shocked repeatedly]

Cartman: Hey, dudes.

Kyle: What's the matter, Cartman?

Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it. I can't say any dirty words.

Kyle: So you can't say fuck?

Cartman: No.

Kyle: And you can't say shit?

Cartman: No.

Kyle: So you can't say, "I'm Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world"?

Cartman: Fuck you! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!

Kyle: Cool!

Stanley: Come on you guys, this has gone far enough. It's time we talk to our moms.

Kyle: We're supposed to be grounded in our rooms!

Stanley: Come on, Kyle! It's time for us to get Prophetical!

Cartman: Hey, Kyle, all those times I said you were a dirty Jew, I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.

Kyle: Yes I am! I am a Jew, Cartman!

Cartman: No, no, Kyle, don't be so hard on yourself.

Saddam: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Cartman: Ay! Don't call me fat, butt fucker!

(shoots pent-up electrical charges out of his fingers):

Kyle: Yeah, Cartman. Do it!

Cartman: DAMN! SHIT! RESPECT MY FUCKING AUTHORITAH!!!

Saddam: Ahhhh!

Cartman: Yipes.

Saddam: Aw, you need to watch your mouth, brat.

Cartman: DOG SHIT TACO!!!

Saddam: Satan, do something quick!

Cartman: Try this on for size... BLOOD DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON POPSICLES!!!

Saddam: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before, but I can change!

Cartman: Okay.

[Saddam smiles slyly]

Cartman: NOT! [takes a deep breath] FUCK, SHIT, COCK, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, CUNT, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!!!

Cast

Trey Parker — Eric Cartman/Stan Marsh/Mr. Garrison/Mr. Mackey/Randy Marsh/Ned Gerblanski/Army General/Bombadiers/Canadian Ambassador/Theatre Clerk/Phillip/Satan
Matt Stone — Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick/Saddam Hussein/Gerald Broflovski/Bill Gates/Jimbo Kearn/Terrance
Mary Kay Bergman — Liane Cartman/Sheila Broflovski/Sharon Marsh/Wendy Testaburger/Clitoris
Isaac Hayes — Chef (voice)
Jesse Howell — Ike Broflovski (voice)
Anthony Cross-Thomas — Ike Broflovski (voice)
Franchesca Clifford — Ike Broflovski (voice)
Jennifer Howell — Bebe Stevens (voice)
George Clooney — Dr. Gouache/Dr. Doctor (voice)
Brent Spiner — Conan O'Brien (voice)
Minnie Driver — Brooke Shields (voice)
Dave Foley — The Baldwin Brothers (voice)
Eric Idle — Dr. Vosknocker (voice)