Catchphrase

• [unenthusiastically] Thanks...
  • Said at the beginning of every show in response to the audience cheering and clapping

I Have A Pony (1985)

• I recently went to the hardware store, and I bought some used paint... It was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

• I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I... didn't hear it.

• I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world... Maybe you've seen it?

• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

• When I first read the dictionary I thought it was a long poem about everything.

I Still Have a Pony (2007)

• I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

• Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies, but I have lots of friends - babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... Gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about... Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with. Just to screw with my subconscious... It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no-one to talk to.

• They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven... They're right.

• In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing...

• Last time I went to the grocery store I caused a lot of commotion 'cause I tried to buy that thing at the register that separates your food from the other guy's food... [feigns distress] "No, I need this! You don't know what its like where I live."