The Adventures of McGee and Me is an American Christian television series created by Ken C. Johnson & Bill Myers and produced by George Taweel and Rob Loos between 1986 and 1993. The series consists of 12 half hour long episodes centering around a typical American boy, Nicolas "Nick" Martin, his imaginary friend McGee, and the moral lessons they learn as Nick grows up.

The Big Lie

Derrick Cryder: You come down my alleyway, throwin' cans at me, you better have some kinda peace offering or something.

Nick: Huh?

Derrick Cryder: Money, stupid!

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McGee: C'mon kid. Just go up there and rap on one of those windows, and we'll be heroes!

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Louis: (Referring to Nick's encounter with the "crazy Indian" man living on their block) Was he eating anything anything?

Nick: Well...he had a rabbit.

Louis: A rabbit! He was eating a rabbit!

Nick: Well, it was alive. Whatever was left of it.

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McGee: (lounging in a pan of water while Nick sweeps the porch) Yeah, this is real good, us helping out and all. Y'know it's like I always say- uhh, you missed a spot- What you sow, you shall sweep.

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Nick: (still sweeping while a racoon splashes McGee) McGee, do you think you could help out a little?

McGee: [indicating the racoon] I'd love to, old bean, but the Lone Ranger here has offered to help me bathe.

Nick: (grinning) Sure, they always wash their food before they eat it.

McGee: Right-o, they always wash their (suddenly alarmed) FOOD?! (starts screaming)

A Star in the Breaking

Trash TV Emcee: (showing Nick's entry envelope with drawing of McGee) And for those of you who think this show ain't art, take a look at this.

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Louis: (to Nick) Hello, Mister Hollywood. So where's the shades?

Nick: Now why would I want to hide a face like this with shades?

Louis: You're right. Better get him a paper bag!

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Mom: God gives strength to the humble, but he flattens the hotshot.

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McGee: It's like I always say: "If you think you're a hotshot, watch out for shows with choc-o-late."

Nick: (grinning) No, It's more like, "If you don't stop making jokes so bad, watch out for a slamming sketch pad."

The Not-So-Great Escape

McGee: A valiant effort, earthlings. But that was only a three dimensional projection of my pod! Moo-hoo-ha-ha!

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Louis and Nick: (reciting the ad) First, there was Dawn of the Blood Freaks. Then Day of the Blood Freaks. Then Twilight. But now, as the shadows begin to fall, it's Night of the Blood Freaks!

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Mom: (to Dad) Nick wants to go see a movie.

Dad: Sure. What's it rated?

Sarah: It's a real classic. Night of the Blood Freaks, part four.

Nick: (meekly) In 3-D.

Dad: No way. Absolutely not!

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McGee: Look, kid. If you watch stuff like that long enough, they'll put a sign on your head that says, "Dump Site."

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McGee: You call that fun? Why don't you just stick your head in a garbage can or something?

Nick: 'Cause then I'd have to room with you!

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Louis: Meet me over by that Buick.

Nick: Can't we just go to the movie?

Louis: That's not what Blue Fox would do.

Nick: Blue Fox's mom wouldn't chase him around the kitchen either.

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McGee: (watching Night of the Blood Freaks) The things I do for money.

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McGee: It's like I always say: The road to ruin is paved with crude inventions.

Nick: Inventions, huh? Like the time you told me to rake the leaves with Mom's vaccum cleaner?

McGee: (awkwardly) It woulda worked if you hadn't hit the sprinkler.

Nick: Or what about the time you told me to cut the sleeves off my shirt so Mom wouldn't notice the tear? Or what about...

McGee: You know, his head really is full of garbage.

Skate Expectations

Nick: (to Phillip) Why is Derrick picking on you?

Phillip: Don't tell Mrs. Harmon, but he's making me give him the answers to the geography quiz.

Nick: Figures. I guess he can't remember big words like "Ohio".

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Nick: So what am I supposed to do about Derrick and the Goon Platoon?

McGee: Do? You can call Goliath-breath out! One on one! Man to man! Mano-a-mano!

Nick: Victim to mugger.

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Derrick Cryder: (after accepting Nicks skateboard race) And what happens if I win, you lose- like I know you're gonna!

Derrick's Dork: Hey, why don't you make him your slave?

Derrick Cryder: Yeah, what he said, for a week!

Derrick's Dork: You're dead meat man! Hamburger!

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Derrick's Dork: (Derrick and his friends watching Nick do tricks on his skateboard) Man he's not bad!

Derrick Cryder: Yeah we're gonna fence him, fence him good, just for sure, let's beat 'em.

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Louis: (Talking about Nick's upcoming race with Derrick) No way, I've seen you skate. Derrick won third place in the tri-city finals last year. He'll smear ya!

Derrick Cryder: (Finding out that Nick won and not him) Hey I won!

Phillip: No you cheated, Derrick!

Twister and Shout

McGee: First we're munchkins. Then we're melted. Now we're waitin' on a tornado! What's next? Flying monkeys?

Back To The Drawing Board

Mrs. Harmon: Well, I've hope you all found books for your book reports.
Derrick: (grabbing a book at random) Uh, I've got my book, Mrs. Harmon.
Mrs. Harmon: (reading the title incredulously) Pretty and Popular: A Modern Girl's Guide To Good Looks. Well, I'll be interested to see what you have to say on the subject!

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Todd-enardo: He's a little something I whipped up over breakfast. I call it, The Moaning Lisa.

Superintendent: Ah, it's stupedous! What do think about it Klaus? Nothing too flashy about the size but sort of a royal flair-

Nick-elangelo: (interrupting) Hey! What about me?

Superintendent: Yes, Nick-elangelo let us see your work.

Superintendent: *spit take* (regaining composure) Ahem. Perhaps we will call you :when we paint the basement! Take him away.

Nick-elangelo: Wait a second, this isn't my best stuff. I can do better than this!

Superintendent: Away with him. Away with him!

Nick: (as he wakes) No. I can do better. I can do better. I can do better!

Mrs. Harmon: You think you can do better than Leonardo Da Vinci?

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Nick: (to himself) Fun? The only thing fun will be putting this puffed up Picasso in his place!

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Grandma: Here's your Kibbles, just the way you like them!

Do The Bright Thing

Art Store Owner (Played by Dick van Patten): In art school, they told us that you were only as good as your tools. So, I went out and bought a new wrench and socket set!

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Derrick: Hey, everybody does it. Man, I just read the inside cover. Look, if you squeal on me...!

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(Nick watching television in imaginary scenario where he writes his report without finishing the book)

TV Announcer: And now our Sci-Fi Matinee, Rowanda: Queen of Venus, starring Schnooks Wheeler!

Nick: [snapping out of the daydream] I wanted to read the whole book anyway.

[starts reading, then pauses]

Nick: [disbelieving] "Schnooks Wheeler?"

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Nick: And so they captured, uh, what's-his-name, uh, Jim Hawkins, and y'know they just hung out.

Nick: Arr! If you don't tell me where your treasure is, I'll have your head, or my name ain't Long Underwear! [crickets chirp] I mean, uh, Long John Silver. Heh heh. What are you guys, an oil painting?

Take Me Out of the Ball Game

Announcer: (exasperated) A triple Play I can't believe it! Slam "The Man" Martin has hit into a triple play!

Orel Hershiser (as himself): (taking Nick aside) Hey, don't feel so bad "Slam". Remember, no one man can do it all. It takes a whole team to win a game.

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Nick: See that cloud? That's the shape of the trophy we're gonna win.

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Dad: (after getting off the phone) So long ya big bag of wind!

Mom: David!

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Harvey Stover: Hey, that's some good hitting. Who's your assistant?

Dad: That's Thurman Miller, my new pitcher.

Harvey: Your what?

Dad: Hey you look a little pale, Harv. You sure your not coming down with something, like chicken pox?

Harvey: That guy played Triple-A for the Cards last year, I'm sure of it!

Dad: He's thirteen years old, he meets all the league requirements. Anything else you wanna know, Sherlock?

Harvey: Hey, you wanna get ugly? I can get ugly!

Dad: I'll bet!

Harvey: And we'll see who has the last laugh, just like last year!

Dad: Hey, last year's history, pal, just like your Winning streak!

In The Nick Of Time

(Sarah is looking in the refrigerator)

Sarah: Where's the dip? (sees Nick) Oh, there you are!

(Nick scowls)

Sarah: (laughing) Just kidding. I've only got a few more hours to tease you before you go. (grabs a potato chip, nudges Nick in the side, and walks off)

Nick: (to himself) And I thought she only loved me for my potato chips.

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Nick: If Renee's, Philip's, and my dad have all got some big surprise for us, it's gotta be pretty spectacular. Right?

McGee: You mean like that tulip festival we went to in Michigan!

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Philip: My dad's too excited. We must be going to a dentist convention.

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Nick: Hey, Dad! When are ya gonna tell us where we're goin'?

David Martin: Soon..but I'll give ya a hint. (opens his Bible and begins to read)"God fills me with strength and protects me wherever I go. He gives me the sure footedness of a mountain goat upon the crag."

Nick: We're going to the zoo?

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(Philip is trying to lift his duffel bag, but with little success)

Nick: Philip, what are you doing?

Philip: Struggling with my fear!

Nick: What fear?

Philip: My fear of being crushed under all this stuff!

(Nick laughs)

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Giff: Believe it or not, climbing's fun, Nick. It can give you a great sense of accomplishment, it's challenging,..you make great friends.

Nick: So far, you could say the exact same thing about baseball.

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Phil Monroe, Sr: Bears don't like water, do they?

Philip: Not unless they're into water skiing.

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(McGee is chowing down on a chocolate chip cookie)

McGee: Mmm! The next time ya hit the Giant, bag the macaroni! We're takin' chocolate chipsters!

Nick: Naw. I don't think I'll be facing the Giant again, McGee.

McGee: What? You ready for Everest?

The Blunder Years

Nick: My friend Rex is coming over, and he's gonna show me how to be totally cool!

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Rex: (reading from Nick's open Bible) Men judge by the outward appearance. Cool!

McGee: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Men judge by the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at a man's thoughts and intentions. That rooster missed the whole point!

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Rex: Doodles? Very uncool, Nick.

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Nick: Whoa. Totally non-geeky!

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Rex: [to Nick's suggestion of studying for an upcoming history test] Hey man, bag the books. What's to study? Christopher Columbus checked this place out. Now we're here.

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Sarah: (returning from tennis match) I don't know why they call it "love" when you don't score any points. It's more like, total humiliation!

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McGee: [in voiceover] Personally, I'd like to lock Rexie in a room and throw away the room.

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McGee: It's just a plain white T-shirt. Commonly known as...underwear.

Nick: McGee, this is the only cool shirt I have!

McGee: What about the other one that says, "Cartoons are our friends?

Nick: Get real, McGee. It might as well say, "I'm a dork and proud of it."

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Nick: Come Monday, everyone's going to be saying, "There goes Nick, son of the oldest living...teeny boppers."