The Closer Quotations

The Closer is an American television series, airing on TNT, about a police detective who transfers from Atlanta to Los Angeles to head up a special unit of the LAPD that handles sensitive, high-profile murder cases. Despite a tendency to step on people's toes, she manages to convert even her strongest adversaries with her unique ability to get to the truth.

Pilot [1.1]

Brenda: If I liked being called a bitch to my face, I'd still be married.

Brenda: [To Sgt. Gabriel] I should probably explain that I do not form my relationships with people based on how they're treating you. That would be your mother, maybe.

Brenda: As hard as a secret is to uncover, it's even harder to keep.

Brenda: Are you trying to encourage me or make me nervous?

Pope: I'm just trying to figure out why you're so damn confident you can get this woman to help you.

Brenda: Well, because Will, I know a little something about admiring the boss and finding out he's not the guy you thought he was.

About Face [1.2]

Sgt. Gabriel: When you handcuff Dean Kingsley and put him in the back seat of your car, you're going to have helicopters, news vans and millions of television viewers, all escorting you back here to Parker Center.

Brenda: So?

Sgt. Gabriel: So, are you absolutely sure you can, by yourself, drive back here without getting lost?

[Brenda hesitates, then hands over her car keys]

Sgt. Gabriel: Thank you. Thank you. I know that was very difficult for you, but thank you.

Brenda: What do you suppose Heather would have done if she figured out what Dean was up to?

Lindsay: I hope she would have taken him for everything he's worth.

Brenda: [complaining to Pope] I was promised a crew of elite detectives, and what Capt. Taylor here has given me is a bunch of junior varsity wannabees ...and Provenza.

Brenda: The Constitution entitles you to a lawyer, Mr. Kingsley, not a firm.

Brenda: [To Chief Pope] Look, I have another issue I have to discuss with you. The Priority Murder Squad got its stationery yesterday, and I just got a look at it this morning. [She holds up a note pad showing the initials P.M.S. for "Priority Murder Squad"]

Brenda: I can't make the pieces fit together in this case and every other street in the hills is called Mulholland somethin'.

Fritz: I thought you had a driver.

Brenda: Oh, I did. But I got mad at him and now I'm late everywhere.

Fritz: Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

Brenda: No, no, no. You know what? It's fine. Really. Are you still not drinkin'? Because I could use a drink. [to server] Excuse me. Hi there. May I have a huge glass of merlot, please? Thank you.

Jennifer: I put everything in a green plastic bag and tossed it somewhere over on Mullholland Drive.

Brenda: Could you be a little more specific?

The Big Picture [1.3]

Pope: [after Brenda asks him to stall the FBI] Okay, but when the black helicopters start hovering over the building, try to wrap it up!

Brenda: Oh no, no, no. You don't need an attorney because if you get an attorney I plan to sit down with your fiancee and have a nice long chat with her about what you've been doing with your penis.

Pope: When did the FBI get back to you so fast? I'm still waiting to hear back on Oswald and Kennedy.

Flashpoint [1.5]

Brenda: So why don't you just ask me about it? I know what you're thinking.

Fritz: Ok, I did read the article about your ethics investigation.

Brenda: And you were wondering what all the hoopla was about.

Fritz: Well, it's none of my business, really, but, uh, yeah.

Provenza: [Eavesdropping with Buzz over Brenda's wire] Ok. Here we go. Spill your guts.

Brenda: It was my crazy ex-husband...

Buzz: Lieutenant, this is making me really uncomfortable.

Provenza: Buzz, don't make me pull out my gun.

Fantasy Date [1.6]

Brenda: [Sticks a gun in Gage's side] You feel that in your gut?

Gage: Are you loaded?

Brenda: Get off me or you're going to find out!

You Are Here [1.7]

Brenda: Low functioning autistics have no language skills; they cannot survive independently by themselvles. Keith is not like that. According to his school records, he's very intelligent but he does have issues : he's unemotional, frequently says inappropriate things, he's literal-minded, he gets fixated on minor details, he gets agitated when his routine is altered and he's extremely uncooperative when anything or anyone gets in the way of him doing what he wants.

Flynn: Does he have a Georgia accent?

Brenda: ...I like to have answers before I ask questions.

Batter Up [1.8]

Brenda: [Holding out a meowing pillowcase] The cat's sick.

Gabriel: You brought your cat to a crime scene?

Brenda: It's not my cat, it just lives with me and eats at my house.

Provenza: [Handing out latex gloves] You might want to double up on your protective gear since this is a homocide.

Brenda: You seem to be having trouble with your pronunciation this evening.

Pope: Where the hell is she?! I'm waiting here and I've got a very pissy state legislator in there.

Gabriel: She's having a personal crisis, Sir.

Pope: Yeah. It's called her life. [Muttering] Personal crisis...

Brenda: They can even register as domestic partners, have the same rights as married people.

Provenza: Serves 'em right, too. Why shouldn't they suffer just like everybody else?

Provenza: Taylor, what you doin' with our suspect?

Taylor: You know how it is, Provenza; the Pope giveth and the Pope taketh away.

Brenda: How did I become one of these women with too many cats? How did this happen?!

Provenza: After Taylor got him to confess, I went out...

Buzz: I?!

Provenza: Alright, WE, went out to find security tapes.

Good Housekeeping [1.9]

Medical Examiner: Are you feeling any better?

Brenda: No, thanks for asking.

Gabriel: [Chasing Brenda's kittens] That is not a litter box!

The Butler Did It [1.10]

Provenza: [To Brenda] Don't drive mad!

Brenda: We are running him down the flagpole and that's all that there is to it. If you want to examine the body, you may do so after I'm done.

[Albert's body comes crashing through the window]

Brenda: I'm done.

Provenza: I'm glad he's dead, 'cause that would have really hurt.

Yates: Look, we got off on the wrong foot yesterday.

Brenda: Maybe that's because it was in your mouth.

Provenza: I've waited my whole career to say this: The butler did it.

Coroner: That's disturbing.

Brenda: Was I right?

Coroner: That's what's disturbing.

Yates: Are you sure you don't want to wait for your lawyer?

Dennis: I'm perfectly capable of ignoring your questions without him.

Bloom: [after confessing to the murder] I'm really sorry that I never got the opportunity to knock off those horrible children. [pause] Is there a chance I could plead insanity?

Brenda: If you attempt to interview Dennis without me, not only will I release Deanna and Devlin, I'll help them escape.

Yates: I'll let you participate in this interview if you let me participate in yours.

Brenda: I'm a little bit past the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stage of life.

Brenda: That's your idea of an interview?! You just pick someone up and hope they tell you something?

Yates: What's wrong with that?

Bloom: On Sunday at the time in question, Deanna was finishing up her 30-day detox at local rehab. She just got out yesterday morning.

[Deanna vomits into the toilet]

Brenda: I hope you kept the receipt.

Provenza: Ok, everybody; mark the date. [Long pause] I was wrong.

Brenda: Oh, God; I can't believe it. I've got to arrest those awful Dutton children again.

Dennis: Is it too much to hope that you and I might cross paths again one day?

Brenda: Be careful what you wish for, Mr. Dutton.

L.A. Woman [1.11]

[Agent Jackson knocks Provenza over]

Gabriel: Lieutenant, are you all right?

Provenza: Oh, I don't know. I think I broke something!

Brenda: I am shocked that you would assault an old man without provocation!...Sergeant Gabriel, check and see if a paramedic can come down here and take a look at Lieutenant Provenza. [To Provenza] Are you ok?

Provenza: Old man?

Gabriel: This is L.A. The sun shines 329 days a year. That squint is not working for me. [Hands Brenda a bag, in which she finds two pairs of sunglasses]

Brenda: [Puts on a pair] This was completely unnecessary.

Gabriel: You're welcome.

[Brenda smiles]

Agent Jackson: We're not going to get in anybody's way, trust me.

Brenda: I stopped believing boys who said "trust me" when I was sixteen.

Taylor: Chief Pope, I need a word.

Pope: E-mail it to me.

Brenda: [To Provenza] Oh, and I told the FBI that you hurt your wrist, so have that bandaged up before they get here.

Brenda: [On the phone with Fritz] I'm going to have to deal with some pompous, arrogant oaf who doesn't know thing one about investigating a murder. You wouldn't happen to know who they're sending over, would you?

Fritz: [walking into Brenda's office talking on his cell phone] Yeah. I do.

Fritz: [commenting on Brenda's team] They're not the friendliest group I've ever met with.

Brenda: Well, they're a little slow to warm up.

Taylor: What is it you need? Another pair of hands?

Gabriel: Yeah.

Flynn: I'll go.

Gabriel: Um, I mean, that'd be great, only...

Taylor: Only what?

Gabriel: Well, sir, um, Lt. Flynn is one of our best guys here at the department, but he and, um...

Flynn: The bitch hates my guts.

Tao: I Googled it. [To Fritz] It's an internet thing.

Fritz: Yeah, I know what Google is, Lieutenant. It's the FBI that has a hard time getting online, not me.

Fritz: Alright, we need to get some units over to this Crag Sherman's house right away. I'll call over to see if I can't get us FBI backup.

Brenda: Oh. Didn't I tell you? We picked him up fifteen minutes ago.

Flynn: Hey, you know what's funny?

Gabriel: What?

Flynn: She can't stand me. I'm doing everything I can to make her life miserable; and here you are - you've tried to help her out wherever you could, and she treats us both exactly the same. Heh.

Brenda: You must be upset.

Fritz: You know what would make me upset? Is if this whole working together thing screwed up our whole other thing.

Fatal Retraction [1.12]

Brenda: Well, hello William.

Croelick: Oh, it's Bill. It's just plain Bill.

Brenda: Alright, just plain Bill. I'm just plain Brenda, LAPD.

Brenda: How'd you get my address?

Croelick: Why, haven't you heard, I'm a criminal? But don't worry; as it turns out, you're not my type. Although I admit to liking a fiery woman, you're a little on the bossy side.

Taylor: Do us a favor. Send this girl to the crematorium as a Jane Doe. Keep Croelick in prison. Don't damage the reputation of our department to let the killer go free.

Pope: Here is the favor I will do for you: I will forget you said that.

[Brenda grabs a file from Fritz while they're kissing]

Brenda: Is this my Jane Doe?

Fritz: So much for foreplay.

Taylor: Well, that one's gonna cost her.

Flynn: You want to gloat to someone you're close to? Grab a mirror, Captain. I'm applying for permanent transfer to her squad.

Gabriel: You have the right to remain silent! Why don't you use it?!

Brenda: All I need from you is an expert to go over these dental records, match them with these teeth, and tell me which missing person she was.

Fritz: Ok. I'll bite.

Flynn: Oh, man. A thousand bucks says I'm gonna be wearing this bullshit.

Medical Examiner: What do we call this...Jane Doe?

Gabriel: The body formerly known as Lisa Barnes.

Brenda: I promise this is the absolutely last time that Lisa will die.

Brenda: Okay. Maybe this Samantha Jones lifted Bill Croelick's stainless steel lighter - with his fingerprints on it, made a copy of Lisa Barnes' driver's licence, stole a car, pushed it off a cliff, cutting her hands and feet off as she jumped into the falling car and set herself on fire. Maybe she trained for her suicide with Cirque du Soleil.

Forensic odontologist: I wasn't asked to confirm the identity of the victim, just to confirm that the body was that of Lisa Barnes.

Provenza: Oh, so you had an excuse to be sloppy.

Brenda: [to Sgt. Gabriel on the phone] I found Croelick. He's on my front porch. Be nice if we had some company.

Taylor: [about Brenda] The FBI hates her. The DA's hate her. The forensics specialists hate her. Everyone wants Croelick back in jail. But no one's gonna help her get him there.

Mr. Barnes: I have Lisa's death certificate [dated three years earlier]!

Brenda: So do I. Only mine's a litle more recent.

Brenda: Doctor, do you think you might take another peek inside?

Medical Examiner: [glancing at the charred skeletal remains of the Jane Doe in question] Chief Johnson, where exactly do you see an inside?!?

Standards and Practices [1.13]

Gabriel: Well, I'd say the wife has a pretty airtight alibi.

Brenda: You know who needs airtight alibis? Murderers.

[Provenza notices something furry floating inside the hot tub in which the victim was found]

Provenza: Is that a rat?

Flynn: That's his hair replacement system.

Provenza: His what?!

Flynn: They used to call it a toupee.

Provenza: They used to call it bald, too.

Provenza: The water's still hot, this bottle's half empty. This guy got drunk and cooked to death.

Mr. Mitchell: So, he's really dead?

Brenda: Yes, I'm so sorry.

Mr. Mitchell: Will this affect property values?

Brenda: [After catching Provenza mocking her accent and task delegation] Lt. Provenza, I need this hurried through [using extra-heavy accent] SID, in about two shakes of a lamb's tail. [shaking wet toupee at him] Thank you so very much. Let's keep it taped off, ladies and gentlemen, because until we understand things better...[turns and looks at Provenza]

Provenza: Uh, [adding heavy southern accent] this is a crime scene, y'all.

Fritz: I made waffles.

Brenda: I have a waffle iron?

Fritz: Mm hmm.

Brenda: Conduct unbecoming? What about my conduct is unbecoming?

Sandra: The Drill Team was his first film as a producer. And it never would've gotten made without me. I set it up; I attached Dick.

Provenza: [watching the interview] I bet she attached dick to a lot of things.

Gabriel: So, you guys all heard, right? About the, uh, IA investigation?

Provenza: What IA Investigation?

Gabriel: An anonymous complaint against Deputy Chief Johnson. Conduct unbecoming. Anybody here know anything about that?

[Everyone turns and looks at Flynn]

Gabriel: Let's suppose I have no specific knowledge as to who filed the complaint. Suppose I were just to discuss the charge of conduct unbecoming an officer on its merits because Internal Affairs is going to ask me about it. And I'm going to answer them.

Taylor: And your response will be...?

Gabriel: I'm going to tell them that I've observed Deputy Chief Johnson on every case that she's worked and that I think that the charges against her are small-minded, petty, and malicious, and that I'm ashamed of whoever may have filed them. That's what I'm going to tell them.

Taylor: [Laughing] You feel better now? You feel righteous, all puffed up?

Gabriel: No, sir. I feel sick to my stomach. If you'll excuse me, I'm investigating a murder, Sir.

Brenda: So, you both worked for the Pruitts?

Gardener: Yes.

Brenda: And were you working at the Pruitts' house two evenings ago?

Gardener: [Looking at his partner, not really understanding English] Yes.

Brenda: And did you climb Mt. Everest in your undershorts?

Gardener: Yes

Sanchez: Maybe this would go a little quicker if I handled it, Chief.

Brenda: Ya think?

Sanchez: [Imitating a heavy accent] Jes.

Brenda: I speak German, Russian, and am fully conversant in Czech, and I have to move to the one city where half of the people are from Latin America?

Brenda: Did he just say avocado?

Buzz: No. Abogado.

Brenda: What does that mean?

Buzz: Attorney.

Mrs. Lopez: If you insist on coming back here without our permission, I intend to report you to your superiors for harassment.

Brenda: You might have to take a number.

Gabriel: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Brenda: I don't know. What are you thinking?

Gabriel: I'm thinking that no one could have gotten from here to Pruitt's house and back in under an hour. I mean there were shows at the Greek and Hollywood Bowl. It would have been bumper to bumper for miles. Is that what you were thinking?

Brenda: No. I was thinking about the subway.

Gabriel: Oh, yeah. We got a subway.

Gabriel: I've never ridden the subway. Something about going underground in a city that shakes. Kinda freaks me out a bit.

Gabriel: [To Brenda] Look, I know this is a mess now, but you'll find your way through it...eventually. I know you will. I know you will.

Brenda: Lt. Provenza...

Provenza: Flynn and I are going to go back to Sandy.

Brenda: Why, exactly?

Flynn: Tie up loose ends.

Provenza: Girl's loose ends need tying.

Brenda: [To PHD team] I just want to say that there's been a complaint lodged against me - an anonymous complaint with Internal Affairs and there's a meeting about it tomorrow, and I don't know what's going to happen. Interrogating people, getting to the truth and knowing the right thing to do politically are two very different things. In fact, to do either of them very well, you have to pretty much ignore one of them altogether, which is what I've done. So now...I'm in trouble again, and I don't know if I'll even be here tomorrow evening, and if I'm not, I just wanted to tell you all how much I've enjoyed working with you. Y'all are just, just really great people.

Provenza: Ok. We all know what's going on here. The smart move is to not get involved until the dust settles.

Flynn: Yeah. That's the smart move, alright. What's your idea?

Brenda: I'd like to start with you, Ms. Powell. I'd like to say how sorry I am that I was unable to ignore your general level of incompetence in the wrongly obtained conviction in the case of Bill Croelick. And I'm sorry if you felt hurt and defensive about putting a man on death row for the wrong crime, and I certainly hope that that will never, ever happen again. Agent Jackson, I deeply regret that the FBI handed over two million dollars to a man on a terrorist watch list without the capacity to trace it, or managed to follow him for months without knowing his wife was having an affair with a doctor, and I hope you do much better in the future. Captain Taylor, I suppose I should apologize to you for not having been born in Los Angeles, but having seen you work up close now for several months, I can honestly say that try as I might, I can't think of any fair and reasonable system on earth where I wouldn't outrank you. There. I hope that clears everything up.

Dennis: Hey, whoa. Why don't you people just wait in the living room?

Gabriel: Hey, first of all we're not "you people", we're Los Angeles police, and when we show up unexpectedly, it's not because we have a problem, it's because you do. Now I suggest you step aside and be quiet.

Brenda: Lieutenant Flynn, your resignation surprised me most of all. The whole time I've been here, you've never said one complimentary thing about or to me.

Flynn: Chief, you have really great legs.

Saving Face [3.3]

Chief Pope: (about the video on YouTube) Oh, and congratulations, Chief Johnson! You've just become the most downloaded, fully-clothed woman on the Internet!

Det. Provenza:(looking at the blonde who has just rolled out of Ray Hodge's dropped casket) Wow. Looks like you can take it with you.

Det. Provenza: (with a mouth full) Nothing tastes better than somebody else's wedding cake. Mine tasted like prison food.

Brenda Johnson: (handing the bride her cake topper) I'm sorry. I almost forgot. You know, giving this back to you, is almost as sweet as... the icing on your cake.

Det. Provenza:with the pall-bearers carrying the casket) God, Hodge! How much weight did you put on?

Michelle Morgan: (the body blocking the church stairs leading to her wedding) Excuse me! I don't know what is going on here, but I want that body moved this instant!

Brenda Johnson: Detective Sanchez! Stop that bride!

Brenda Johnson: Do you think he... might have been involved with her? (about the dead girl)

Maggie Hodge: With Ray's heart, he couldn't raise a flag... and viagra would have been suicide.

Brenda Johnson: Detective, what do you think of my lipstick?

Det. Daniels: Uh... you asking me as a friend, or the Chief?

Cast

Kyra Sedgwick - Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson
J.K. Simmons - Assistant Police Chief Will Pope
Corey Reynolds - Sgt. David Gabriel
Jon Tenney - FBI Agent Fritz Howard
Robert Gossett - Commander Russell Taylor, head of the Robbery-Homicide Division
Anthony John Denison - Detective Lt. Andy Flynn
G.W. Bailey - Detective Lt. Provenza
Raymond Cruz - Detective Julio Sanchez
Michael Paul Chan - Detective Lt. Mike Tao
Gina Ravera - Detective Irene Daniels