The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Quotations

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was a sitcom that ran from 1990 to 1996.

The Fresh Prince Project

Philip: Not so fast son. Now, we promised your mother you were here to work hard, straighten out, and learn some good old fashion American values.

[Hilary walks in]

Hilary: Dad, I need $300.

Vivian: Hilary, your cousin Will is here.

Hilary: (Turns to Will) Hi. (Turns back to Philip) Dad, I need three hundred dollars.

Philip: That's a lot of money Hillary, what for?

Hilary: I need to buy a new hat.

Philip: For what?

Will: Probably her head? (in a sarcastic manner)

Ashley: I'm really glad that you're living here, Will.

Will: Oh thanks, Ash.

Ashley: You're like the big brother I never had.

Will: Oh, wait. What are you talking about? You got Carl... You're right. I see your point.

Vivian: Sweetie, would you say grace, please?

Ashley: Yes, mommy... (Starts rapping) Hey there, lord. My name is Ashley Banks. My family and friends want to give you some thanks. So before this dinner's all swallowed and chewed, thank you God for this stupid food!

Philip: I want to talk to you.

Will: About what?

Philip: You know. From the minute you walked through that door, you've been a one-man wrecking crew, trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!

Will: I was with you up until "skewering".

[Will is dancing while stapling a poster of Malcolm X on his wall; Geoffrey walks in and shuts off the radio]

Will: Ay look who's here... Benson!

Geoffrey: [hands Will a tuxedo] This is for you.

Will: Oh, but I didn't get you anything.

Geoffrey: Your uncle has invited several of his partners from the law firm to dinner tonight. At the time of the invitation, he did not realize that your would be arriving so soon and so it was too late to cancel.

Will: Yo, we having a party? Oh, so we're just gonna be stupid.

Geoffrey: For some of us, that will require very little effort indeed.

Vivian: How was the flight, honey?

Will: Yo the plane ride was stupid. I was up in the first class...

Philip: Excuse me?

Will: No, I'm saying the plane ride was dope.

Philip: Excuse me?!

Will: No... Stupid, dope, it's not what you think. How would I say this... [in Bryant Gumbel like voice] the flight was really neat.

Will: Hey Uncle Phil! [hugs Geoffrey]

Will: [in British accent] Oh well uh, cherrio and all that rot, and while you're at it, bring the horses round would ya! [laughs]

Will: [referring to Geoffrey] What are you, Robo-Butler man?

Will: Make it sound like we back on a plantation be like "Massah William, Massah William!"

Bang the Drum, Ashley

Uncle Phil: Ashley, honey, where is your violin?

Ashley: Big Sal has it.

Vivian: Big Sal? Who's Big Sal?

Ashley: He owns this really cool store where you don't even need any money. You just go in and give him something you don't even want and he gives you this ticket and...

Uncle Phil: A pawn shop?! You took her to a pawn shop?!

Will: Yeah you don't have many pawn shops in Bel-Air. I had to drive all the way to east L.A.

Vivian: East L.A.?

Uncle Phil: How dare you pawn her violin?!

Vivian: Phillip, when I met you, you were into James Brown.

Will: He liked James Brown?

Vivian: He even wore his hair like him.

Will: (laughs) He had hair?!

Will: I got the power! I got the power!

Uncle Phil: Vivian, what the devil is he doing?

Vivian: I Got the Power by Snap. Snap is a great band.

Carlton: Well, when Crackle and Pop cut a disk, then call me.

Will: What's so funny?

Hilary: Carlton just told a joke.

Will: No, no, no, no, Hilary. Carlton is a joke.

Ashley: Didn't you have a schedule for after school when you were growing up?

Will: Yeah, the TV Guide.

Will: [in an exaggerated Morgan Freeman voice] Yessum! I'd be more than happy to drive ya to the Piggly Wiggly, Miss Daisy!

Uncle Phil: [a record is being played] Oh, listen to the violins. Beautiful. [gasps] The oboes will be coming next...

[Jazz suddenly scratches the record] rirr ra rowuwuwuw rerr rerr rirr rowwuw rerr rarrirowwuwuwuwawerr rirr rwowuwwuwuw rirr reerrr ra rerr rowwuwwwuwuwuwuw...

[Uncle Phil dropkicks Jazz out the door]

Jazz: Ahhh!!

Clubba Hubba

Carlton: [explaining to Will what he should say to impress the girl:] Might I say you rate a perfect ten on my niftiness meter?"

Not With My Pig, You Don't

Uncle Phil: Will, there's something you should know: sometimes parents just don't understand.

[Philip's mother, Hattie visits]]

Hattie:: (Hugging Ashley) Ashley, look how much you've grown!

Hattie:: (Hugging Hilary) Hilary, look how much you've grown!

Hattie:: (Hugging Carlton) Carlton...Hi.

Mistaken Identity

Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, man, I don't think you wanna leave me here all weekend. You know, with no adult supervision. Did you ever see the movie House Party?

Philip: No. Did you see The Terminator?

Carlton:(recording on a tape recorder) Plans for Palm Springs. One, work on golf swing. Two, review SAT practice book. Three, ask Mr.Furth about a summer internship.

(Will pops up from behind his chair wearing a Freddy Krueger mask)

Will: Four, get the stick out of your butt.

Carlton: (handing Will a bag of cookies) What do you say to an Oreo?

Will: I say, "What's up, Carlton."

(Will is hanging out of the sunroof)

Will: No, man. No freeways, Carlton. Hey, Carlton, look out! A low bridge! Aah!

(Comes back into car with his head inside his shirt) Well, thanks a lot,
man! Now we have to go back and get my head! And I really liked that head!

Officer: Ok, fellas. We've had a lot of car thefts in the area, lately. You wanna talk about it?

Carlton: Okay, I think it's terrible!

Officer: You making fun of me, kid?

Carlton: Well, you're the one who wanted to talk about it! Why, frankly, I think it's a matter for the police to handle!

Geoffrey: Lazy house.

Will: Yo, G. What up, yo? This is Will. I need a big favor.

Geoffrey: I am tired of doing favors for you spoiled children. I'm off duty. I am not an animal! (Hangs up)

Will: Yo! I need another phone call. My butler hung up on me

Will: Come on, let's sing.

Carlton: I'm not singing.

Will: Oh come on, (singing) When Israel was in Egypt's land...

Carlton: This is just retarded.

Will: Come on, man. Let it go. It'll feel better.

Carlton: (singing) Let my people go.

Will: (Singing) Oppressed so hard they could not stand..Carlton: (singing) Let my people go.

Bob: (Singing) Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt's land, tell old Pharoah to let my people go!(Stops singing)

Will: We gotta get out of here. That big dude is making me nervous.

Carlton: Why?

Will: Any time you see a white guy in jail, you know he did something bad.

Will: We gotta get a message to Uncle Phil. He's a lawyer. He'll get everything straightened out.

Carlton: They won't give us another phonecall. Not like it mattered. The game was on so loud Mrs Furth couldn't hear what I said.

Will: The game?

Carlton: Yeah, the big football game on TV. That's all they do at these resorts.

Will: OK, we outta here, man. I got an idea. YO, COPS! (to police) My buddy here wants to confess. (Carlton looks at him in shock)

Reporter: The perpetrators agreed to confess, as long as there was a camera crew present. (Camera shows Will)

Will: Yeah, we done it! Word to Big Bird! We fixed eight Benzitos, 15 Jags and a Mazzerati, but I ain't like the upholstery so we took it back! Jack!

Reporter: And do you have anything to say? (Shows Carlton)

Carlton: Daaad!

Vivian: (to police officers) This has got to be the bigest amateur operation I have seen since Mayberry R.F.D!

Sergeant: Have a seat, we're busy.

Vivian: (Taking off her earrings) Oh, it's about to get really busy up in here.......

Officer: Good news Mr.Furth. Your car is safe and sound and we got the perpetrators.

Mr.Furth: Those aren't the perpetrators. Those are my partner's son and nephew.

Officer: Partner?

Philip: Legal partner.

Philip (to police officer): I've got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from these two young men, did they have a lawyer present? No, because I'm their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No, because we're their parents. So officer, don't tell us to wait and don't tell us to sit down. Just open that damn cell and let those two boys out of there or I'm going to tie this place up with so much litigation that your GRANDCHILDREN ARE GONNA NEED LAWYERS!!!

Officer: Open the cell Bob. (Officer opens cell, Will and Carlton leave and he closes the cell again)

Bob: One is the lonleist number since the number one ohhhhh, 2 can be as bad as one but the lonliest number is the number one now.

Will: Yo, Carlton. Those cops were just doing their jobs?

Carlton: Will, don't get all bent out of shape.

Will: Man you ain't learn nothing for this weekend, did you?

Carlton: I most certainly did. Always bring a map.

Will: WHAT?

Carlton: If we had a map, we wouldn't have to drive two miles an hour trying to find a freeway entrance, and we wouldn't have been stopped.

Will: Oh, I get it now. We were stopped because we were driving too slow. Yeah, we were breaking the slowness limit, huh? Well you see, I've never heard of that law before. But there's one law that I've heard before. It's called the "if you see a black guy driving anything but a burnt-out Pinto, you better stop him because he stole it law". Yeah I've heard that law before. But you see, I thought it was the black guy law, when in actuality, it was the slowness limit law. Gee, thanks for sharing that with me, Carlton. Good night.

Carlton: They were just doing their job.

Will: Good night, Carlton.

Carlton: What's your complaint here? We were detained for a few hours, Dad straightened everything up and we were released. The system works.

Will: I hope you like that system, you're going to be seeing a lot of it in your life.

Carlton: Not if I bring a map.

Will: You haven't learned a thing this weekend, no map is going to help you, neither is your glee club, or who your daddy is. Because when you drive a fancy car in a strange neighborhood, NONE of that matters, they only see ONE thing. (taps Carlton on his face)

Carlton: Well maybe where you grew up has made you a little touchy. You're blowing this whole thing out of proportion. If you look at the facts..........

(Will walks away disgusted)

Carlton: Dad, if you were a cop, and you saw someone driving a car at 2 miles an hour, would you stop them?

Philip: That's what I asked myself the first night I was stopped.

Def Poet's Society

"""Girl:""" """ So what's the poet's name?

""" Will:""" """ Uh,Rafael de la...Ghetto.

:Geoffrey: (portraying faux poet Rafael De La Ghetto) Cannon to the right of them, cannon to the left of them, cannon in front of them, VOLLEY AND THUNDER!!!

Will: (Mocking Carlton for reciting poetry) Here's a poem for you...Roses are red, violets are blue.Jazz and I are black, but Carlton, what are you?

Will: (talking to Jazz) My love for you is like a river....Like a summer breeze that makes my soul shiver....One look from you is more precious than Gold,

Jazz:Lets go get some barbecue and get busy

Will:(talking to Jazz) What kind of poem is that?

Jazz: I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?

Uncle Phil: We eat here later, you eat here never.

Jazz: (looking Philip up and down) Looks like you eat here often.

Jazz: Ahhh!

Kiss My Butler

Jazz: I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in L.A. you don't give stuff like that away.

Will: I dunno 'bout L.A., but in West Philly, you mess with some other brother's girlie, you mess around and get yourself killed.

Jazz:Well I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in L.A. we're man enough to take that risk.

Will: My brother, you wanna take this outside?!?

Courting Disaster

Will: Let's get something straight, Carlton. I've been out here for two months. I've been yelled at at home, screamed at school, I've been sent to detention several times, I've been grounded, I've been threatened with expulsion almost on a daily basis. I finally do something I get credit for, and you can't take it. Well, I'm not about to sell myself short just so you can look good. So just grow up.

Cartwell: I was under the assumption...

Coach: Ah. You made an assumption. Now, you should never make an assumption, because you'll be an 'ass' and the 'ump' will 'shun' you.

Carlton: Hey, Hilary. Did Dad mention me during the game?

Hilary: Yeah, he did say "Shut up, that's my kid you're talking about!"

Knowledge is Power

Vivian: Hilary, your father and I just want you to be all you can be.

Hilary: You want me to join the army?!

Vivian: Philip, I've been thinking about what Hilary said. That stuff about us putting too much pressure on her, how hard it is to live up to a college professor, how she believed she couldn't admit to us she failed.

Philip: You mean you bought that crap?!

Will: This looks like a job for Sherlock Homeboy.

Hilary: Alright okay! I can't take it any more! I dropped out of college.

Phillip:You did what?! ...Hilary when did this happen?

Hilary: 3 months ago.

Vivian: 3 months ago?

Phillip: and you have been lying to us since then?

Vivian: 3 months ago?

Hilary: Mother I can explain!

Vivian: 3 months ago?

(after Hilary admits to Carlton that Will is blackmailing her because she dropped out of college)

Carlton: That's awful! Is he making you clean his room?

Hilary: No.

Carlton: Will you clean miiiine?

Hilary: Carlton!

Carlton: I'm sorry, Hilary, but this is too good to be true! Why should Will have all the fun?

Hilary: Why you little-

Carlton: DAAAAAAAAD-

Hilary: I HATE YOU!

Day Damn One

Carlton: Somebody scratched the word "Fresh" on the alumni desk. They already have a lead on who did it.

Will: (Guilty) They do.

Carlton: They think it was a Freshmen who lost his cool.

Ashley: Lost his cool, that's funny. "Fresh" means cool, right Will?

Will: I can't keep up with this new hip lingo.

Ashley: But I thought that's why they called you the Fresh Prince?

Phillip: Day damn one, Vivian! Day damn one!

The Lucky Charm

Will: Why do you humor this guy? The planet he's on hasn't been discovered yet.

Will: Uncle Phil told him to take his fancy 20 million dollar account, fold it five ways and stick it where Sparky can't find it.

Nice Lady

Will: [Referring to Lady Penelope] G, the Lady's a Tramp.

Will: Opera? I thought she said Oprah.

Love at First Fight

Kayla: Your momma.

Will: Oh? What about my momma?

Kayla: Your momma is so fat, they showed her a picture of her feet and she couldn't identify them.

Will: Well, your momma is so dumb, she went to the theater and it said under seventeen not admitted so she went home and got sixteen of her friends.

Kayla: You know what? I shouldn't talk about your momma. I feel sorry for your momma. Having such an ugly child.

Will: Ugly?

Kayla: You're so ugly, your momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just so the dog would play with you.

Will: You're so ugly, your momma had to feed you with a slingshot.

Kayla: You're so ugly, that isn't a fade on your head. That's your hair running away from your face.

Will:Well you're so ugly that...uuhh...i cant help it baby, you so fine.

Banks Shot

Will: All this legal stuff won't work. The only legal phrase these people understand is "will the defendant please rise."

Just Infatuation

(after Little T kisses Ashley)

Will: Uncle Phil, I am telling you he kissed her right on the lips.

Carlton: It was more on the cheek dad.

Will: But he was aiming for her lips and he missed. He's aggressive and inaccurate and that's a dangerous combination!

Did the Earth Move for You?

Will: I'm stuck in a basement sitting on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. I'm goin out of my mind i thought she was fine don't know if her body is hers.

Lisa: Will would you stop you're fine.

Will: I'm a grown man, sittin' under a table, huggin' a teddy bear, I, am not fine.

Lisa: It was just a little earthquake calm down

Will: Hey, I'm from Philly, where the people move, and the ground stays still.

Hilary (to Philip): Daddy, if you're always losing your keys, you should use my system.

Ashley: What's that?

Hilary: O.K., like I was always losing my car keys, so I went down to the key store and had 30 copies made. That way when I lose a key, I always have another one -- And next month, I do the same thing.

Ashley: That's your system?

Hilary: Absolutely. I did the same thing with our house key.

Uncle Phil: You mean, there are copies of our house key all over Los Angeles?

Hilary: Don't worry, daddy. I put our name and address on all of them.

The Mother of All Battles

Dr. Hoover: Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter ought to be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.

Uncle Phil: Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter suits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the low, sloping forehead and the wide jaw suitable for grains and small rodents!

Dr. Hoover: I think you must have her confused wit' yo' mama!

Uncle Phil: I thought you said that's how you settle disputes in your old neighborhood

Will: Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, see, in my neighborhood we got this sacred code, It's like, my bro skee, whatever yo wanna do bro ham on the left or the right, we can do that all night, but all that old yakkity yak jawbone you kickin' in the middle man you can stop that cuz I ain't down with that, you see what I'm sayin'?

Uncle Phil: No.

Will: Me neither, that's why it's so sacred.

Will Gets a Job

Aunt Viv: Maybe Will did get a job.

Uncle Phil: Oh please, Vivian, you'd believe that boy if he told you that he was a big rap star whose album just went platinum.(In real life Will Smith had actually just gone platinum)

Will: [Dressed up as a pirate in a pirate themed restaurant] Welcome to the Briny Deep, where none of our prices are ever too steep. We've got fresh fish, you can look at our tank, to get to the bathroom make a left at the plank. Follow me.

Phil: Hmm what to drink.

Will: Well, sir, we do have all three flavors of Slim-Fast.

Will: The funky fresh is back in the flesh with a vengance holmes.

PSAT Pstory

Carlton: Yes, I got a 114. I'm in the 90th percentile. I'm the smartest guy in the world.

Vivian: Carlton, that's wonderful.

Carlton: What score did you get, Will?

Will: I got a 91.

Carlton:(starts laughing)

Vivian: Well, that's a good reason to take this test over again, Will. (Will then snatches Carlton's results away from him, realizing that he originally read it the wrong way.)

Will:You got a 114? Wait, I got a 116. The 91 must have been my percentile.

Carlton: But that means...

Will: (laughs deeply) Now who's the smartest guy in the world? Carlton, you're gonna love driving those big rigs, man.

Carlton: (screams)

(Will and Carlton enter the kitchen with cleaning epuipment)

Carlton:(about the PSAT) I don't believe it. You couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere, there's an asian Will Smith and he's really ticked.

Will: Carlton, it was one meesily little percentile point, alright. But, I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone.

Carlton: Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellict.(he sprays the kitchen window)

Will: Than why are you using car wax on the window?! (patronising voice) This a window. This Windex? Can you say that little man?

Philip: Carlton, you can wear my old Princeton sweater today for good luck.

Will: Or he could throw it in the air and plug up that big hole in the o-zone.

Hilary: Geoffrey just looked back and gave a sad little wave.

Will:(to Ashley) And fortunately, you're too young to know what he was waving.

Geoffrey (mockingly, after Philip makes an offer for a small raise): Thank you, sir. And, with my new-found wealth, I shall be able to treat myself to a Happy Meal!

Carlton: I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food and daily threats of violence. I'll have to get a Jheri Curl and Tattoo.

Will:Carlton, They're not gonna send you to jail for cheating on a test

Carlton: I wasn't talking about jail, I was talking about public school!

Granny Gets Busy

Will: Hey, grandma. What do you think?

Hattie (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Six years of Oprah and this is still a shock.

Carlton: It's a bet, Grandma.

Hattie: Don't tell me what happens if you lose. In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win. Oh, Hell. Let's just never mention it again.

Uncle Phil (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Son -- and I use that term loosely.

Carlton: Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.

Uncle Phil: That's exactly what it looks like.

Guess Who's Coming to Marry?

Bobby: Cousin Carlton, Tomorrow, can you take me to Disneyland?

Carlton: Forget it. I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse.

Carlton (He's got jungle fever, she's got jungle fever, they got jungle fever): So Will what did you think?

Will: I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.

Will: Bobby I like it whenever you come. They all appreciate me after you leave.

Carlton (looking at Will's feet): You need a pedicure.

Will: Well, I would crack on your feet but they don't reach all the way up here. Is that your feet or did you break wind?

Carlton: Sorry.

Will (to Carlton): I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.

Cased Up

Jazz (in the back of Will's car): Yo, who cut the...?

Oh, Mr. Banks. Sorry, I didn't see you... as hard as that is to believe.

Uncle Phil (to Will about his new car): Until I see some insurance papers, you're not driving this car. In fact, what kind of idiot would sell a car without insurance?

Jazz: I resent that. Ah, the joke's on you, Mr. Banks. You can't throw me out, 'cause I'm already outside.

Jazz: Ahh!

Will: You've heard of the Batmobile, get a load of the Rapmobile!

Uncle Phil: What is that smell?

Will: Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I thought I was alone.

Uncle Phil: No, no.. I didn't mean that. Smells like cheap cologne and fried chicken...

Jazz: I resent that. Oops.

Uncle Phil throws Jazz out the door

Jazz: Ahhh!

(Referring to Hilary's boyfriend)

Carlton: He's just a preppy suck-up, he reminds me of someone.

(Hilary's boyfriend sucks up to Phil)

Will: Carlton, you're a dust-buster compared to that guy.

Hi-Ho Silver

(After stealing silverware they thought was theirs)

Will: Carlton, why do I have service to eight in my drawers?

Sonya Lamor: Hello darling...NO photographs!

Hilary: I hope there's no papparazzi around here

Sonya Lamor: Oh don't worry darling, they don't know I live here

Hilary: No, it's because people mistake me for Whitney Houston.

The Butler Did It

Carlton: Will, it's nice of you to help Mom and Dad with their bags.

Will: Oh yeah, man. I mean, they treat me so good here, I do whatever I can to repay their kindness.

Carlton: Can't wait for them to leave either, huh?

Will: Does Barry White want seconds?

Something for Nothing

Will [looking at Carlton's book cover]: "How To Beat The Odds? Sorry C, there's no way to beat it. You're odd."

Christmas Show

Will: Carlton, skiing is for white guys named Sven, and O.J. Simpson.

Carlton: Oh, Will, you deprived product of the ghetto. Skiing is an exhilarating sport.

Will: What is exhilarating about strapping two sticks to your feet, flying down a hill at 90 miles an hour, and then slamming into a tree?

This is L.A., man. If I wanted to get my head cracked, I'd star in the next Rodney King video.

Hilary Gets a Life

Will: [to Hilary] I've been busting my hump ever since you got a job.

Uncle Phil is reading off the family's credit card bills

Uncle Phil: Carlton, ninety dollars for a pair of socks? That's ridiculous.

Aunt Viv: It certainly is. Oh Philip, that's nine dollars.

Uncle Phil: Oh...Ashley. How could you manage to charge eighty dollars worth of trinkets on our account at the drug store?

Aunt Viv: That's eighty cents. Sweety, do you need to get your eyes checked?

Uncle Phil: Don't be ridiculous Vivian.

Aunt Viv: This has been going on for months. If you move the TV any closer to the bed, I'll be sleeping with Jay Leno.

Uncle Phil: Now, this looks like it says "300 dollars for shoes." What's that say?

Aunt Viv: 300 dollars for shoes.

Hillary: Point being?

My Brother's Keeper

(Will and his friend sitting at the table eating...)

Carlton: Will everybody knows why your in training. No fats, no chocolate, and no women.

Will: Then i should probably cancel my date with that fat chocolate woman!

(Audience laughter)

Carlton: Will you better listen to me if you want me to be your manager.

Will: My manager? i don't even want you to be my cousin!

(Audience Laughter)

Carlton: i didn't hear that...

Tyriq: He said he doesn't even want you to be his cousin!

(Audience Laughter)

Geoffrey Cleans Up

(Geoffrey's down on his millionaire girlfriend, and Will starts singing the blues and playing harmonica)

Will (singing): ...My butler is black ...My butler is blue ...'Cause his honey's got green ...coming out her wazoo.

Carlton: What do you think of this one, Dad?

Uncle Phil: I look like Little Richard, Attorney at Law.

Geoffrey: Dinner is served. (sees Phil) A-whop-bop-aloobop-a-wop-bam-boom!

Community Action

Vivian: Geoffrey, it sounds like you're getting a cold.

Geoffrey (speaking with nose stuffed up): Not at all, madam. It was barely a stipple. There you go, Master William.

Will: Thanks a lot, G. It looks great.

Will: Yo, Carlton. Breakfast!

Jazz: Mr. Banks, I'll earn my keep. I'll do everything that Geoffrey does.

Uncle Phil: Geoffrey bathes.

Jazz: I can learn.

Aunt Viv: Philip, get him.

Uncle Phil throws Jazz and the life-size Bill Cosby cardboard cutout out the back door

Jazz: Ahhh!

Ill Will

Will: Will Smith, tonsils.

Max Jakey (Milton Berle): Max Jakey... everything else. Sweaty palms, kid? First-timer, huh?

Will: Man, you trippin'. I was 15 when I first... You mean surgery.

Dr. Baylor(whose glasses are on his head): I've gotta find those glasses.

Will (praying): God, please don't let me leave here with breasts.

Eyes on the Prize

Jazz (to Will, referring to Tyriq): What's he doing here?

Tyriq (to Will, referring to Jazz): No, what's he doing here?

Will: Now, y'all not still mad about that watch thing.

Tyriq (to Will, referring to Jazz): He sold me a fake Rolex.

Jazz (to Will, referring to Tyriq): He paid with a fake $20.

Will (To Tyriq): Now, first of all. You should have known it was fake when you saw that the warranty was only for two hours.

Will (To Jazz): And you should have known the Jackson on the $20 ain't Jermaine.

Jazz: They all look the same to me.

Bob Eubanks: What is the capital of Ohio?

Eubanks: Tyriq?

Tyriq: That would be the capital "O", Bob.

Eubanks: "O"?

Tyriq: Yeah, You know, Ohio. Capital "O", Little "h". Do I have to spell the whole thing?

Eubanks: I guess I didn't say "capital city". We're gonna have to get a ruling from our judges. Judges, what do you say?

Eubanks: Sounds like the judges are accepting that answer.

Will: Sounds like the judges drank their lunch.

The Aunt Who Came to Dinner

Helen: Lester, Don't make me get Ethnic on you!

----

Helen: You know how they say men are animals in bed?

Vivian: [*smirks*] Yes?

Helen: Well I don't.

Strip-Tease for Two

Woman: Take it off!

Vivian: Put it on!

Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!

Carlton (gasps): Mommy!

(Carlton covers his chest with his hands)

----

Uncle Phil:(to Will and Carlton) No dates, no charge cards, no television, no movies, no phone calls, NO FOOD!!!

----

Philip: I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.

Carlton: We needed the money.

Philip: For what? And I want the truth.

Will: Alright, it's like this Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.

Philip: Federal offense. Go on.

Will: Than we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.

Philip: Grand Larceny. Impressive.

Will: Than we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.

Philip: That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?

Carlton: I'm afraid so dad. We never got the clasp fixed on mom's bracelet.

(Philip, Carlton, and Will start laughing)

Philip: You never got...I don't know what to say. What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?

Will: I don't know...reward us for our honesty? (They laugh harder) Hey, it worked for the Beave.

(Philip laughs and says "the beaves" then suddenly stops)

Philip: (screaming) DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY NAMED WARD?!!

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

After Will touches a car

Car Security System: You are too close to the vehicle.

Will: Who said that?

C.S.S.: You are too close to the vehicle.

Will: You already said that.

C.S.S.: You have ten seconds before the alarm sounds.

Will: Oh really? (sings the theme to Jepardy while looking at his watch) Ha, ten seconds. I knew you were lying.

Will runs into a police officer.

Officer: Who were you talking to?

Will: Oh, I was talking to the car.

Officer: (sarcastically) Oh, the car talks?

Will: Yeah, hold on. (jumps on the back of the car) It says "move or I'll kill you", something like that. (laughs) Damn!

Car Security System: You are too close to the vehicle.

That's No Lady, That's My Cousin

(Philip is telling Will and Carlton about his freshman year at Princeton)

Philip: For extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Daily. My first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper: Boom-Boom Lasale.

(they start laughing)

Will: I wonder why they called her that.

Philip: For some reason, she took a liking to me. So she invited me to come with her and her sister to her dressing room for drinks.

Will: You the man, Uncle Phil.

Philip: Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it, this old country boy...(Vivian slams a plate of food on the table in front of him) finished his Yoo-Hoo and went right home.

Vivian: Wait a minute, Philip. Go back to when you finished your Yoo-Hoo.

Philip: ASHLEY!

Carlton:(women are everywhere in his school now) It's a disgrace. It's a scandal. It's an outrage.(a hot woman walks past him) It's the mother of my children.

(After Will sees a hot girl walking by)

Will: HURT ME HURT ME! Whoa whoa whoa whoa what's up baby?

The Girl: The name's Veronica.

Will: Ooh, Veronica, I like that.

Veronica: Great, now I can die.

Will: Whoa whoa whoa now baby, I noticed you noticing me, and I just want to put you on notice, that I noticed you too.

Veronica: And?

Will: And I just want to let you know that I might let you consider being with me.

Veronica: Is that what passes for a compliment?

Will: Wait, listen-

Veronica: No you listen. If you want a shot at being with me. Maybe you should try talking to me like a normal human being. Okay, GOT IT?

Will : No baby you got it but ill take donations
(Ashley is worried about her first day at a new school)

Ashley: What if no one likes me?

Will: Just do what Carlton does: give them money.

[Ashley walks into room and coughs AHEM and the boys crowd her]

Carlton: Wow. Will, check out the talent. She's cool, she's hot, she's...

Will: ...YOUR BABY SISTER, MAN!

Carlton: [shrieks]

[Ashley laughs and smiles]

[Carlton and Will rush over]

Will:Yo! Ease back, man! Ease back!

[they chase the boys away]

Carlton:What do you think your doing?

Ashley: Buzz off, small stuff!

Carlton: That's it, Ashley! I want you to-- I'm ordering you to look unattractive!

[Ashley rolls her eyes, looks away and laughs]

Will: (to Ashley) What did you have for breakfast, hormones?

Ashley: Beat it! I'm workin' the room!

[Walks to boy]

Ashley: Hi, Bobby

Carlton: Where'd she learn to walk like that?

Will: And where did she get that Le Presson body?

[Copying Will]

Kenny: HURT ME, HURT ME! Yo, baby. See, I noticed you noticed me and I wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too! Baby, you float my boat!

Will: I know you better float your midget boat on out of here.

[pulls boy and pushes him into Carlton away from Ashley]

Kenny:Will, man! Ease up!

Will: No, you ease up, man! What you trying to do?

Kenny: The same thing you're trying to do. I'm just trying to press up this woman!

Will: YO, THAT AIN'T NO WOMAN THATS MY COUSIN!!!

Ashley:I am too a woman and I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my business!

Will: Don't you shake your neck at me like that girl!

Ashley: Come on, Kenny!

Kenny: Hey.

[they start to walk out]

Carlton: AND DON'T SHAKE THAT EITHER!

[Ashley ignores Carlton and shakes her butt all the way out of the room]

Kenny: Baby I'm telling you. You got more moves than a bowl of Jello. And there's always room for Jello.

Ashley: Wow!

Will: Dude sounds like a jackass.

Carlton: Actually, Will, he sounds like you.

Ashley: So when are we going out?

Kenny: Oh, I don't know, baby. You have to let me check my book and I'll get back to you. You see, I wanna make sure I can give you, my undivided attention.

Carlton: Actually Will he's better than you.

Kenny: I mean look at you. You got it going on. You got sweet hips, lips, and finger tips. (beautiful girl walks by) But baby got back! (to Ashley) Bye, baby. (while running to other girl) Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute!

Carlton: Look I know my sister needs me, but that girl is babe-a-licious!

Will: Carlton, I think you know what you have to do.

Carlton: I know. But still, I would have like to have been there for Ashley. (runs after the beautiful girl)

Ashley: Kenny ran after that girl.

Will: Kenny is a different case.

Ashley: Carlton ran after the same girl.

Will: Well, Carlton is a basket case.

(A hot chick just passed by Will)

Will: Girl. I know your feet must be tired, cause you been running through my mind all day. Come 'ere.

Mama's Baby, Carlton's Maybe

Carlton: I'm going to show her I'm ready for an adult relationship. (Pulls a cereal box from a grocery bag) (Excited)Fruity Pebbles!

Aunt Viv: Geoffrey will you go get Carlton?

Geoffrey: Yes Ma'am. (As he's walking up the stairs out loud) Run Geoffrey. Fetch Geoffrey. I suppose next you want me to catch a frisbee in my teeth.

(Will's on the phone with his mom)

Will: Hey mom, it's me. (pause) No, it's Will. (pause) Will Smith! Hey, there is alot of drama cutting loose out here. (pause) No, I'm not in trouble, but somebody we know is a grandma. (pause) Mom wait, I didn't mean you-Mom, Mom, stop crying Mom. No it's not me, Carlton's the father. (pause) Stop laughing Mom.

Will: Uh, that's a large, pepperoni pizza with extra olives. I love you. (hangs up, seeing Philip and Vivian's confused look) That makes them bring it faster.

Philip: (on the phone) Hello, and don't you dare try to hang up on me! What kind of lowlifes are you to endanger a helpless infant!? Well, I'm gonna do what I can to see you behind bars, and WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT!? (pause) Um... So, when will your mommy and daddy be home?

Geoffrey (To Phillip about Carlton): I didn't find him but I found $1.25 under his bed. Who knew Christmas would come twice this year?

Uncle Phil (to Carlton as he gets off from the couch): Not you, stupid! Sit your butt down!

P.S. I Love You

Aunt Viv: I asked him[Judge Robinson] to pass the salt and he told me to go long.

Uncle Phil: He was just kidding.

Aunt Viv: Phillip, he broke a window!

----

Will: If I keep the motorcycle, I'm a pimp. If I give it back, I'm a damn fool. Oh well, Pimp it is!

Boyz in the Woods

Uncle Phil: Okay, okay. We can't stay here. We'll freeze to death. Just get all the stuff out of the back seat and we'll... we'll go ahead on foot. Get out of the car.

Will: But you just-

Uncle Phil: GET OUT OF THE DAMN CAR!!

Carlton: For a long time it gave me nightmares, having to witness an injustice like that. It was a constant reminder of how unfair this world can be. I can still hear them taunting him. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids." ...How come they just couldn't give him some cereal?!

Carlton: (speaking into his tape recorder) Carlton's log. Will has been reduced to a pathetic shell of his former self.

Will: Will's log. (pulls a tree branch off the ground) is about to connect with Carlton's head!!

Phil: Will! I thought you said you secured the camping equipment onto the top of the car.

Will: I did! Ohhhhhh shoot, this ain't the Volvo!

Trevor: How dare you. Do you have any idea who I am?

Jazz: A really bad cook?

Trevor: I've never been so humiliated in all my life. Blind people recognize me.

Carlton: Then we'll freeze to death! I don't wanna die! I wanna go to college and poke fun at all the kids on financial aid! I wanna see Karate Kid 17!

(Snowing while lost in the woods without camping equipment)

Uncle Phil: This is a good time for us to band together to show what we're made of.

Will: Does Bigfoot have to come down here with a chainsaw before you realize we're in trouble!?

A Night at the Oprah
Uncle Phil's election video

Uncle Phil: Hi, I'm Philip Banks, and I'm running for superior court ju-ju-judge, ju-ju-judge.

clip of Phil dancing from he and Vivian's New Year's Eve Party airs

Uncle Phil: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Aunt Viv: That was our New Year's Eve party.

Will: Oh, oh, Uncle Phil. Uh, you know. I just made a couple of old home movies, you know, to show your human side. It gets better, check it out.

Uncle Phil: If you put me on the bench, I'll take a real bite out of crime, bi-bi-bite, bi-bi-bite, bite.

clips of Phil eating Pizza air

Uncle Phil: Vote for Philip Banks. Philip Banks. Philip Banks. Philip Banks.

Will: (screams very excitingly) Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Emmy! (as he gets up) Hey. So, what do you think, Uncle Phil?

Uncle Phil throws Will out the kitchen door

Will: Oooaahhh!

Will: My next question is for Mr. Banks: Mr. Banks, would you let your nephew come to The Oprah Winfrey Show, or make him fly all the way to Chicago for nothin', sit in the audience, and embarass him in front of his girl -- (looks at camera) Hi, LaTeesha. (looks at Philip again) Huh?

Phil: My god is that Will?

Vivian: [with obvious sarcasm] No, Phil, it's Richard Nixon in a Will mask

Carlton: No, Mom, I think that's really Will!

Audience Member: If you ask me your whole damn family is crazy.

Will: I'm not going blow up, if this was in Philly it might have to be something, but we're on T.V., I'm just gonna chill.

Audience Member: And if your mama sent you out there to live with them, then she's crazy too.

Will: Man nobody talks about my mama!

Asses to Ashes

Will: (to Hilary) For you, Self magazine, Shape magazine, and Sassy magazine. (to Carlton) And for you sir, Elf magazine, Ape magazine, and Sissy magazine.

(Judge Robinson's Funeral)

Saucy McFoodlefist: The jerk arrested me for a crime I didn't commit, I'm just here to make sure he's dead!

Uncle Phil: Thank you. Anyone else?

Spanish Man: Yeah, he hired me to weed his garden. When it came time for him to pay me, he called immigration, on me!

Uncle Phil: Gracias.

Trevor: Philip, how do you feel after losing to Judge Robinson?

Philip: Well once when I was little, I zipped my pants up too fast. Let's just say this brings back memories.

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum
Will: HELP! HELP! DAMN Y'ALL I SAID HELP!

----
Will: I NEED A DOCTOR!

Doctor: I'm a doctor.

Will: Oh, thank you. Yeah, just go over that car...WAIT, STOP DON'T (man gets hit by car) IS THERE A DOCTOR FOR THE DOCTOR?

The Cold War

Carlton: Why don't you act like an adult?

Will: Why don't you look like one?

Carlton: Boy, that Paula's really bad news. First, she dumps me, now you know what she did?

Ashley: Hmm, Will, do you know?

Will: No. I don't know nothing. I'm just a poor black man trying to make it in Bel-Air.

Carlton: She gave me the flu.

Will: Come on, look on the bright side, Carlton. Most girls don't give you nothin'.

Vivian: Hi, baby. How was school?

Carlton: Mommy, I don't feel so good. I think I got the flu.

Vivian: Oh, that's too bad, baby. Get out of the house.

Will: You know, we're getting more and more like the Jackson family every day.

(after Carlton rings up Vy to tell her about Will stealing Paula from him)

Will: You've gone over the line, Okay? You don't never call a dude's mom?

Carlton: So It's okay to steal a guy's girlfriend, as long as you don't go tell his mommy about it

Will:: No, No. This is serious, man. Even in Ancient times; They would kill your cattle, they would burn your village, but they wouldn't tell your mother, man!

Carlton: *mocking Will* "But I did it to save you from, uh, uh somethin' you don't know and soon as I figure it out I'll let you know.

Will:: That's it, We're gonna have to take this to the street. Aunt Viv!

Uncle Phil: Found it!

Vivian: You found the sonogram?

Uncle Phil: No, it's the little chocolate bunny from Easter. I've been looking for it all week.

Vivian: Philip, at least take off the foil!

Uncle Phil: Oh my God.

Vivian: What is it, a boy or a girl?

Uncle Phil: This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill for $25,000. This baby's costing me a fortune.

Will: Congratulations, you're having a Hilary!

Winner Takes Off

Will: Hold up, Hold up, Time-out Time-out, flag on the play, traveling, offsides, clipping. What up with this here?

Carlton: Hillary how'd you know that?

Hillary: Easy, Geoffrey's been watching that Brain Storm tape all day.

Geoffrey: Young Ashley how does a Mercedes sound?

Ashley: Vroom, vroom?

Geoffrey: Very clever. I'll get you two.

Hilary: Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Geoffrey: Nice try!

Uncle Phil: You did what?! Are you out of your horny little adolescent minds?

Carlton: I know I sure am.

(As the two fake sadness)

Will: This is my little brother Carlton! He knows we can't afford new clothes so he just doesn't grow!

Carlton: (To Geoffrey) Daddy! I wanna grow!

Geoffrey: (To people in restaurant) These aren't my children!

Will: Is it our fault you never married Mom? I know she embarrassed you! She only had one arm! And whenever you two would go to concerts, she'd clap like this (slaps left hand on neck)

Robbing the Banks

[The family comes home and Will is the first to discover the living room is completely empty.]

Will: Ahhhhhhhh!!! Ahh! Ahh!

Ashely: What happend?

Will: We was robbed!

[You can see everything is gone]

Hilary: Oh my god! What did they take?

Will: Tell me there's a Baseball in this case?

Carlton: It's empty.

Will: I guess you weren't listening!

Uncle Phil: What baseball?

Will: (in Hispanic accent) What baseball? Well, baseball sport where man with stick hit ball and run. Sorta like this. (he tries to escape the empty living room, but Uncle Phil catches him by the shirt)

Uncle Phil: well im sorry to tell you guys this but our gardner was an ex-con.
Carlton: (carlton shouts at Phillip) ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND!! (phillip stares at him anrgly)
Carlton: ASHLEY!

Will: Girl, you look so good, I wanna plant you and grow a whole field of y'all.

Bundle of Joy
(Will speaking to Ashley and Hilary in the kitchen)

Will: You know, I used to think the only reason to kill a man was self-defence...but I just spent 45 minutes in the Volvo with another reason.

(Carlton then walks into the kitchen dressed and acting like a mime)

Hilary: What's wrong with him?

Will: This idiot is taking a mime class.

(Carlton continues his mime act directly towards Will, pulling on a rope)

Will: Carlton, get...I swear to God, Carlton, get away from me with this. Stop. Stop playing. Carlton, stop or I'll hang you with that rope!

(Carlton mimes himself being hanged by a rope)

Will: All right, that's it. That's it.

(Will throws Carlton, out the kitchen into the garden and locks the kitchen door)

Will: I was going to throw him out on the freeway...but you know the old saying: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.

Will: Carlton say something to the baby

Carlton: Never let will borrow money...even if he begs and he will

Will: (talking into recorder} That's your brother, Carlton. You'll recognize him. He'll be the one at eye level.

(Hilary and Carlton walk into the kitchen)

Will: (talking into recorder) And here come your two siblings, dopey and greedy.

(Will is getting sound bites from the family for tape recorder)

Phillip: I'm eating.

Will: (talking into recorder) You'll hear that a lot.

Phillip: You're grounded.

Will: (talking into recorder) Well that about sums up Uncle Phil.

Uncle Phil: Found it!

Vivian: You found the sonogram?

Uncle Phil: No, it's the little chocolate bunny from Easter. I've been looking for it all week.

Vivian: Philip, at least take off the foil!

Uncle Phil: Oh my God.

Vivian: What is it, a boy or a girl?

Uncle Phil: This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill for $25,000. This baby's costing me a fortune.

Will: Congratulations, you're having a Hilary!

Geoffrey: Gandalor, take me!!!!!

The Best Laid Plans

Will: Mirror mirror on the wall, Jean Claude Van Damn [Damme], I'm fine!

The Alma Matter

Geoffrey: (after being told to go upstairs and look for Carlton) "...Run, Geoffrey. ...Fetch, Geoffrey. (turns to the family) Perhaps you'd like me to catch a frisbee with my teeth?!"

(Tom Jones shows Carlton what life for his family would be like without him)

Carlton: What happened, and where's mom?

Tom Jones: Well without you, your family was defenseless against Will. They started to focus on happiness instead of success. You mother ran away with the milk man, your father quit his practice to paint, Ashley does nothing but dance all day, and Hilary just does her hair. Well, maybe not everything changed.

Philip: My dining club is what made me what I am today.

(Will opens his mouth and closes it)

Will: Nah. Too easy.

Just Say Yo

Carlton: Can't I get moved to another room? I have a reputation to maintain, what about when I go into political office?

Nurse: I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy who asked me that. Just tell them you didn't inhale.

Will (wearing a tuxedo for the prom, sleeping on the living room couch and talking in his sleep): I just want to thank Bill and Hillary Clinton, for inviting me to the inauguration.

Carlton: Will, wake up.

Will: Yo, man. Go away.

Carlton: Will, this is the Senior prom. Also known as "Guaranteed Action Night".

Will: Rack 'em up!

Will (to his prom date, while imitating a police siren): Whooooooo, somebody call a cop 'cause it got to be illegal to look that good.

Will: I had basketball practice and school, and this guy gave me these pills to help me stay awake, and then Carlton...all I know is that somebody very close to me could be dead right now, and it'd be all my fault.

Carlton (Referring to his big zit on his face): Look at my face.

Will (Insulting Carlton): Man we're eating.

Carlton: I have a big zit.

Uncle Phil: Carlton we're eating.

The Baby Comes Out
(Light is out in the elevator)

Will: Uncle Phil is that you?

Unidentified man: No........... But you have really soft hands.

Will: Mommy!!!!!

(A worker is repairing the elevator)

Philip:(shouting up at the worker) How much longer until someone gets us out of here? My wife is having a baby.

Worker: Is she in there with you?

Philip: No.

Worker: Good, because I'm going on a break. (everyone starts shouting at him) Just kidding. A little elevator humor there. I'l get you out of there as soon as I can.

Janice: What happened to Hilary?

Vy: (runs back to the doorway to fetch Hilary) Hilary Violet Banks! GET YO' BUTT IN HERE!!

(she drags Hilary inside, and they walk up to the nurse, whose hand has been severely injured by Vivian's big grip)

Nurse: My hand!

Carlton: I'm pretty sure Mom's been here.

Hilary: I can't go to the hospital like this there are doctors there.

Vi: Hilary, are you that superficial?

Hilary: Well I'm still young I can still get a husband.

Vi: Not without any teeth you won't!

(nobody's around to take Vivian to the hospital so Ashley grabs the keys)

Vivian: Ashley you can't drive!

Ashley: Oh grow up, I've been taking the car since I was 12!

(A man is smoking in the elevator)

Philip: Excuse me, sir. Would you mind putting out that cigarette?

Man: (Takes the cigarette out of his mouth) Hey, It's a free country. (Continues smoking)

Philip: That's right. It certainly is. But it's against the law to smoke cigarettes in elevators.

(The man blows smoke into Philip's face. Philip takes the cigarette out of his mouth, breaks it in half, and stomps on it)

Will: That's right boy, there's a new Jack city. (to Uncle Phil) You the man you the man. (Elevator breaks down) You the Big Man who broke the elevator.

(Earlier, Philip destroyed a man's cigarette. Now, that man has a cell phone and Philip and Will need to call Aunt Vivian)

Will:(to Philip) Where I come from, when we want something, we step up on it and take it. Observe. (cut to a shot of him doing a little jig) Look, if you don't let me use your phone, I'll start singing Paula Abdul's greatest hits.

Man: You must want to use this phone really bad. Well, not as bad as I wanted that cigarette.

Will: Stop. Ghetto time!

(Philip grabs Will and pins him against the wall before he can do anything)

Philip: (To Will) Will, calm down. Now I've trained as a lawyer for many years. I was trained in the art of negotiation. Okay? Observe. (Philip walks up to the man) Sir? (The man turns around and Philip grabs the man by his jacket and lpulls him close) Gimme that damn phone or I'm gonna rip your liver out and eat it raw.

Will: (To the man) That's right boy, and he about due for a snack.

Man:(handing his cell phone to Philip) Yes sir.

Ashley: Poor mom.

Will: Poor mom? Poor me! I saw uncle Phil naked! And he was running!

Vivian: Philip!!!!

Philip: Vivian!

Vivian: Philllippp!

Philip: Vivian!!

Will: WILMA!

You Bet Your Life
Will: Come on, uncle Phil...Shamon!

Will: I'm starving. (dials number on car phone. imitating Tony Montana) Ya dis is Tony Montana! I just see your billboard on da highway. If you know what's good for you, you bring me large pepperoni with anchovies on it!

Ain't No Business Like Show Business

Will: Girl, you look so good I'd marry your brother just to get in your family.

Hilary: Will's really bombing up there. We should do something.

Carlton: Good idea. Boo, get off the stage, we want our money back, go back where you came from.

Six Degrees of Graduation
(Will is forced to sing with a bunch of little kids dressed as flowers)

Mrs. Bassin (while playing musical Jeopardy!): The answer is a cleft.

Will: Oh! What is, that thing that Michael Jackson had built into his chin?

Woman: That's my Jessie, the one with the braids.

Jazz: That's my Will, the one with the mustache.

Uncle Phil: Since when do you take care of the babies?

Jazz: Babies? I'm supposed to take care of Hilary.

Uncle Phil throws Jazz out the door

Jazz: Ahhh!

Where There's a Will, There's a Way (1)

Vivian: I love the way your beard feels.

Philip: I'm suprised you remember.

Vivian: It hasn't been that long since we made love, has it?

Geoffrey: Five months this Tuesday. (Vivian and Philip stare at him and he shrugs) Thin walls.

Ashley: Dad, all my friends are at the mall. Do you know what would happen if they saw me with my father?

Philip: What!? Would you be banned for life from The Gap?

Carlton: I'm not bringing her anywhere near you.

Will: I'm your cousin.

Carlton: The cousin that stole every woman I ever had.

Will: Oh please. I stole one girl.

Carlton: My point exactly!

Carlton: Dad, I have to move out.

Philip: No, you don't.

Carlton: Yes, I do. Will said it's time for me to leave the nest, become independent, and have sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it!

Will: Jazz, you stole this pillow!

Jazz: It's a thought that counts.

Will throws Jazz and the baby pillow out the back door

Jazz: Ahhh!

Where There's a Will, There's a Way (2)

Hilary: It'd a Bungee jump proposal

Phil: Oh please, whatever happened to getting down on one knee

Hilary: Daddy thats for old fogees

Phil: I got down on one knee

Geoffery: Sustained!

Trevor (on TV proposing to Hilary): Hilary Banks!

Hilary: Yes, Trevor?!

Trevor: Will you marry me? (Trevor slams to the ground)

Will: I ain't no bungee expert or nothing, but I don't think he's supposed to be slamming into the ground like that.

Hilary: "Please Stand By?" Great, the president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.

Uncle Phil: Let's just pray that Trevor's okay.

(returning from Trevor's funeral) It was a lovely service.

Will: Trevor didn't look so bad for a dude that had a concrete facelift.

Carlton: Fool, like that was his real head.

Philip: Why don't I take you to the mall?

Hillary: Go to the mall with my father?

Philip: Sorry, I forgot.

Philip: I guess you've got yourself a pool house.

Carlton: How come he gets the pool house while I'm upstairs with the weeping widow?!

Will: Uncle Phil, keep this man off my property or I'll shoot him.

Carlton: Its my property! I inherit everything when the big guy takes his bungee jump!

Hilary: If I didn't ask for a fancy proposal, Trevor would be in my arms instead of in my purse.[Pulls out an urn from her purse][crying] I love you Trevor.

Will: Uhhh... Hilary, Trevor wasn't cremated.

Hilary: Ewww, then whose this?!

Geoffrey: [Takes the urn] I'll see him to the door.

All Guts, No Glory

Will: I'm taking... [looks at his class schedule] ...Western Pornography.

Carlton: [looks at schedule] He's taking Western Philosophy.

Uncle Phil: Western Philosophy, I'm impressed.

Carlton: He doesn't even know what western philosophy is.

Will: I do too. It's where they ask you questions like "Was Kool Moe Dee a real cowboy?" (singing) The Wild Wild West. The Wild Wild West.

Carlton: (singing) I used to live downtown, on 29... (stops singing)

Uncle Phil: The man (his old college professor) changed my life. And you know how he did? He challenged me.

Will: To what, a pie eatin' contest?

Will: (referring to his Western Philosophy teacher) Hey Sting, kick some lyrics, man.

Will: Sure thing, Skippy.

Will: (referring to his Western Philosophy teacher) Ay Skippy, the Garth Brooks concert must be over.

Carlton: Carlton the peacock says "Don't be a quitter. Pick up your litter."

Carlton: Come on guys, help me up.

Will: Yeah, we need clean-up in aisle five. There's some bird droppings.

Father of the Year
([Will and Jackie are quarrelling; they start shouting the same words simultaneously.]

Will & Jackie: You ain't ever gonna change!

I'm getting the last word!
No you're not!
Yes, I am!
Damn!!

Philip: Ya know, Will. If you had pulled a stunt like this when you were in high school, there's no telling what I would do. For starters, I would do this.

(Philip sits on top of Will's lap, causing him to scream in agony as the show ends)

Carlton: Big poopie.

[Uncle Phil comes up to Carlton.]

Uncle Phil: What did you say?

Carlton: I say... Uh... Beg, puppy. To my pretend dog Ernie. (doing the throwing the ball hand movement) Fetch, Ernie. He's gone now.

It's Better to Have Loved and Lost It...

Jazz: My first time was with a girl from the projects. Best 50 bucks I ever spent...

Carlton: (singing Kenny Rogers' The Gambler) You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away...

Will: Don't know when to shut up.

Will Goes a-Courtin'
(After Phillip leaves to stop the party)

Geoffry: (mimes marionettes) DANCE PUPPETS!!! DANSSSSSSSSSSE!!!! (starts laughing)

Carlton: Steffi, go home. You're not age appropriate for this party. (Carlton puts on duck floatie) I'm going swimming.

Will: I'm from West Philidelphia, born and raised. On the playground is where I spend most of my days. I ain't got no fancy court room talk, or a law degree from Princeton like my worthy adversary Judge Phillip Banks. But what I do have, is the truth! (slams palms on table in front of Phil)

Phil: Oh shut up Will! Your Honor, this man is making a mockery of the entire legal system!

Will: And this man is making a mockery of an finely-cut Italian suit!

Will: O.K., Miss Banks. You were the former tenant of the aforementioned poolhouse. Is that correct?

Hilary: Yes.

Will: O.K., could you please tell us of your experiences there?

Hilary: Am I under oath?

Judge: Of course.

Hilary: Well, Trevor would come over at about 3:00 in the morning and we would...

Will, Uncle Phil and Carlton: Objection!

(Will gives Philip a handshake)

Phil: I don't want your hand, I want my rent.

Will: Oh come on, Uncle Phil, haven't you learned anything from all of this?

Phil: Yeah, never rent from relatives.

Hex and the Single Guy

Jazz: Hey dad. Now that I'm gonna be in the family, maybe we can talk about my trust fund.

Philip: What did you say?

Hilary: Jazz and I are getting married.

Philip: Over his dead body!!!

Hilary: Doesn't anyone care about how I feel?

All of Hilary's family: NO!!!

Scorpius: Oh no! I can feel the spirits gazing around me!!!!

Will says to uncle Phil: Yeah, I think this guy has been having too many spirits lately!

Scorpius: Im losing it!!!!!! I'm losing it!!!!!!

Will: Ahhhhh, like you ever had it!!!!!

Will: Why won't you see if you can find Marvin Gaye, and find out what was really going on.

Will: Carlton, there's no such thing as a... Oh my God. Carlton, what is that horrible thing growing out your neck?

Carlton: (scared) Where?

Will: Oh, nevermind. It's just your head.

Scorpius: I am Scorpius the Magnificent! I see all! I know all... who are you?

Will: (after seeing Carlton with rainbow-colored hair) Carlton, what the hell happened to your hair?

Carlton: Oh no, I'm not falling for that again.

Carlton: My hair. I look like a sno-cone. What happened? (turns around) Oh, the hex!

Philip: Don't be ridiculus, Carlton. That stuff you put in your head is messing with your hair. Why didn't you wash it out?

Carlton: I did, last night.

Carlton: I'm telling you, Dad, that hex is gonna pick us off one by one and we'll all end up on Unsolved Mysteries

Will: (knocks on the door and it opens with no one there) Oh, we definitely need one of them in the girl's locker room.

Blood is Thicker than Mud

Uncle Phil: Geoffrey, go fetch me my tools.

Geoffrey: You mean, your knife and fork?

Will: Carlton, do you realize that they're working you harder than everybody else?

Carlton: Nonsense. We all had to repave the parking lot.

Will: Yeah, but the rest of us got to wear shoes.

Carlton: Just because I listen to Barry Manilow, that makes you better than me?

Will: He meant Barry White y'all

Will: And in the words of my illustrious cousin, ima make like a tree and leave

Carlton: I never say that... it's make like a banana and split

Will: Ok I'll keep that mind (Will starts laughing)

Home is Where the Heart Attack Is

Uncle Phil: Come on people, I weigh the same I weighed back in high school.

Will: Yeah, if you add up all four years.

Carlton: Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?!

Will: Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose.

Carlton: Not my father!!

Will: Everybody's father! Except mine, cause I don't know where the hell he is!!!

Carlton: You don't understand Will...

Will: Yes I do... You selfish,

Uncle Phil: I can't give up all my favorite foods cold turkey. Oh my God... turkey. With pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes. Butter drenched dressing. Tiny onions... swimming in a sea of cream sauce....

Carlton:Dad can outlive all of us.

Will:Yeah, only if he eats us first.

Take My Cousin -- Please

Hilary: I can't stand the sight of his mole!

Will: You're making a mountain out of a mole, Hil!

Uncle Phil: Geoffrey, fetch me my tools.

Geoffrey: You mean your knife and fork?

Will: Hillary, I didn't want to say this, but you might never get another man. You'll be one of those crazy old women who walk around all day in a shower cap, with a big halter top that says "Jam!". Then, just for no reason, you'll say "Dum dum diddy!". And you'll be eating neckbone sandwiches and talking to your imaginary dog Brutus. But you know what the worst thing is?

Hillary: What?

Will: The only man you'll get is some fool named Grady. He'll be smelling like menthol all the time and falling asleep in his soup.

Sleepless in Bel-Air
(Philip and Geoffrey are hunting a crickett)

Philip: Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when he hunted Moby Dick.

Geoffrey: Between the two of you sir, is the cricket the whale?

Ashley: Come on, Daddy, 10 years? The Menendez boys will be out before I am.

Philip: The Menendez boys were home by their curfew.

Philip: Good night, Geoffrey.

Geoffery: Good night, sir, ..idiot....

Will: Seeing how this is your first real date, I think there's a couple things you need to know. Listen, if you gonna hold the popcorn, you hold it UP in plain sight. So when he go reaching for the bucket, he don't miss, talkin' 'bout, 'oops'.

Hillary: And stop at that gas station and make sure that tank is full.

Carlton: And if he tells you to pull his finger, don't do it.

Ashley pulls Carlton's finger.

Will: (covering his nose) Oh, man.....

Carlton: Will, let me tell you a story about The Grasshopper and the Ant.

Will: Carlton, I really don't feel like hearing about you and your little friends, okay?

Carlton: Just listen. See, the grasshopper goofed off while the ant worked hard storing food for the winter. And when the winner came, the ant had food, but the grasshopper starved to death. You know what the moral of the story is?

Will: Yep, even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.

Carlton: Hey, you wanna hear a little chemistry rhyme?

Will: No, not really.

Carlton: Here.... Little Timmy took a drink, but he will drink no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4! That's how I remembered the equation for sulfuric acid.

Will: Look. I got one, I got one. Little Carlton was a boy whose body was short and stumpy. He'd never shut his mouth, so I kicked his little rumpy!

Philip: I can't stand it. This chirping is burning a hole STRAIGHT into my skull.

Geoffrey: There she blows, capitain! By the table! By the table!

Philip runs over close to the windows and smashes pillows thinking he killed the cricket because the chriping stopped. But, while running, he ran over the cable that runs Carlton's laptop (who is finishing his homework), causing it to shut off.

Carlton: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Philip: I got him! I killed that little sucker!

The chriping resumes.

Philip: Where'd you last put the insecticide?

Geoffrey: In your soup.

Carlton: I thought you were in bed.

Will: Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Ashley: Why are you guys still up? You're making it really hard for me to sneak in.

Will: Ashley, you know full well if you wanna sneak past Uncle Phil, you don't go through the kitchen.

Ashley: Will, this is all your fault!

Will: What is that, like the theme of this family? When in doubt, blame Will.

Vivian: You can't stop little girls from growing up.

Phil: I can, and I will!

Carlton is tapping his fingers on the table, Will stares at him.

Carlton: Sorry, nervous habit.

Carlton opens a bag of chips and chews loudly, Will takes the bag and hits Carlton on the head.

Will: Sorry, nervous habit!

Will: Ding dong, the cricket's dead, Ashley's grounded, now you can all go to bed!

Will: Ashley, listen to me. Guys are only after two things,-

Ashley: (interrupting) I thought they were only after one thing?

Will: Yeah, but they wanna do it more than once...

Uncle Phil: You're grounded for 10 years.

Ashley: Daddy?!

Uncle Phil: Or whenever you move out the house, whichever comes first.

Ashley: But that's not fair.

Uncle Phil: Tell it to the judge... Oh, That's me. (passes a plant and the chirping stops) I KILLED THE CRICKET!!!!!

Geoffrey: (sarcastic) Ah, what a horrible death!

Phil: I'LL GET THAT CRICKET IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!!!

Geoffrey: (sarcastic) His head should make a fine trophy, sir.

Phil:This will take care of that cricket.

Geffory:Sir,thats air freshener.

Phil:Well,its all we have.It might work.

Geffory: (sarcastic) Yes,perhaps the scent of sea breeze will recall some painful memories for him and he'll commit suicide.
Carlton: So, how did the test go, Will?
Will: I got an 85.
Carlton: Will, how could you have possibly learned there is everything to know about Chemistry?

Who's the Boss

Will: You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman; or if you want to switch positions thats okay with me too

I Know Why the Caged Bird Screams

Will: He'll be there or my name isn't...

[Scene changes: Peacock Mascot Carlton is trapped in a room in a birdcage]

Carlton: WILLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop Will! In the Name of Love

Will: Some guy's going to try to be all over you like cheese on a Big Mac.

Ashley: Will! Maybe I like cheese!

Will: How do you know you like something if you've never had it? Please tell me you ain't had no cheese, Ashley.

Ashley: (loudly) No, but if I want to have sex! [people stare at Ashley and Will] I do not need your approval!

Will: It-it's cheese, Ashley.

Will: Oh don't give me that innocent boy look routine! I invented that routine! And you just a bad little dog ooh shame.

Will: (scoffs) Does this look a place to have fun? I don't think so, ain't nobody gonna have some fun around here! Not you, not me, not her!

Samantha: And definitely not me! Goodbye Will!

Will: Hey hey come back oooh what is her name!

M is for the Many Things She Gave Me

Will: Uncle Phil you cannot go to dinner with Mrs. Robinson.

Phil: Why not?

Will: Look Uncle Phil I was dropping Wendy off at the hotel last night then Mrs. Robinson went to put on something more comfortable and she asked me about the earthquake experiences. Then she showed me pictures of her at Lake Tacancowa then she wanted to get more comfortable then Taa Daah.

Uncle Phil: Taa Dah

Will: Taaa Dah

Uncle Phil: Taaa Dah. OOOH! YOU SLEPT WITH JANICE.

(Everyone turns around and looks shocked)

Ashley (mocking Uncle Phil's voice): Ashley go to your room.

Carlton: Oh I love this.

Ashley (mocking Uncle Phil's voice): And take Carlton with you.

Carlton: I'm not going anywhere.

Uncle Phil: You heard what I said.

Mother's Day

Will: For mother's day I got my baby shoes bronzed. (Show's his baby shoes are adult sized)

Ashley: These are your baby shoes?

Will: Well you know what they say about guys with big feet?

Ashley: No, what?

(Uncle Phil glares at Will)

Will: They be like damn you got some big feet.

----

(Reffering to the mother's day gifts Ashley, Carlton and Hilary asked him to buy)
(To Uncle Phil)

Geoffrey: I've got thier exact notes right here: Some kind of perfume from Miss Hilary. A book, she'll like that from Miss Ashley and "Here's $20 bucks and I expect change" from Master Carlton.

----

Jazz: Making a baby is truly a blessed event.

Will: Don't you mean 'Having a baby'?

Jazz: Trust me on this.

Papa's Got a Brand-New Excuse

Phil: Carlton, am I a good father?

Carlton: Yes, you're the best! Now can I have early access to my trust fund?

Phil: Not a chance

Carlton: I HATE YOU!

Phil: Oh yeah? Then, take a number!

Will: Hilary, this is my father.

Hilary: (Laughing) No, Will's father is a deadbeat who left Will and his mom flat!

Vivian: I wish you had told me Will . . . I really wish you had told me.

Will: I asked Geoffrey to tell you!

Geoffrey: I thought it would be more fun to do it this way . . . And I was right!

Will: Carlton, you ever feel like you being watched?

Carlton: Of course. When you look this good, you have to get used to it.

Will: And when you sound this stupid, you've got to get used to this! (Slaps Carlton)

Will: That guy's been scoping me ever since he came in here.

Carlton: Turn yourself in, Will. It's the only way.

Will: Yeah, you're right, C.

Will: Wait a minute, I didn't do nothing!

Phillip: If you'll excuse me, I think I'll skip dinner. I don't have much of an appetite.

Geoffrey: Should I call 911?

Lou (Will's Dad): You know what I'm saying?

Phillip: Yeah, I know what you're saying.

Vivian: Will is gonna be crushed.

Lou: Yeah, uh... that's why I was thinking, maybe you two should break the news to him?

Phillip: Vivian, will you take Nicky upstairs, please?

Vivian: You're not gonna hit him, are you? 'Cause I don't wanna miss that.

Phillip: No. I'm not going to hit him.

Vivian: Lou, if you walk out of Will's life now... don't you ever come back.

(She leaves)

Phillip: Sit down.

Lou: I ain't got time for no lecture.

Phillip: I said sit down, Lou.

(Lou sighs and does so)

Phillip: Will was doing just fine til you showed up. But now that you’re back, you have responsibilities to him.

Lou: Look, we still gonna take the trip.

Phillip: Oh bull, bull! Will is not a coat that you hang in the closet, that you pick it up when you're ready to wear it! His life goes on! He's not supposed to be here for you! You're supposed to be here for him!

Lou: YOU GET OFF MY BACK! YOU THINK I WANT THIS? IT JUST HAPPENED! When Will was a baby, I was scared, I was-!

Phillip: CUT THE CRAP, ALL RIGHT? CUT IT! 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE...! But I didn't run out on my family. I was there every day for them, 'cause that's what a man does.

Lou: Fine, Phillip. You win. You da man, you a better a man than me. (pause) You happy? Now, you gonna tell Will, or not?

Phillip: I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you.

Lou: Fine. I'll call him from the road.

Phillip: Yeah, you do that!

Lou: I'll do that!

(Will enters with his luggage.)

Will: Daddy-o! Wassup?

Lou: Will...? I'm glad you're here. Umm... some business came up that I gotta handle. So we gonna have to put, uh... our trip on hold. You understand?

Will: ...Yeah, yeah, that's cool.

Lou: Just for a couple of weeks.

Will: Mmm-hmm, I understand.

Lou: Maybe a little longer.

Will: Yeah, whatever, whatever...

Lou: Look, I'll call you next week and we'll iron out the details, okay?

Will: Yeah, yeah...

Wills Dad: It was great seeing you, son.

Will: You too, Lou.

Lou: Yeah, um...

(Lou leaves)

Phillip: I'm sorry, Will.

Will: Pssh! You know what? This actually works out better for me. The slimmies of summer come to class wearin' next to nothing, yahh! Know what I'm sayin'?

Phillip: Will, its all right to be angry-

Will: Hey, why should I be mad? See what I'm saying? At least he said goodbye this time. I just wish I hadn't wasted my money buying him this stupid present.

Phillip: I'm sorry. If there was something I can do-

Will: Hey, you know what, you ain't got to do nothing, Incle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm be sitting every night asking my mom, "when's daddy coming home," you know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?

Phil: Yeah, you did.

Will: Got to do my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had fourteen great birthdays without him, he never even sent me a damn card! (yells out the door) TO HELL WITH HIM!

(pause)

Will: I didn't need him then, I won't need him now.

Phillip: Will...

Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'ma get through college without him, I'ma get a great job without him, I'ma marry me a beautiful honey and I'ma have me a whole bunch of kids. I'ma be a better father than he ever was, and I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T A DAMN THING HE CAN EVER TEACH ME ABOUT HOW TO LOVE MY KIDS!

(long pause)

Will (breaking down) How come he don't want me, man?

(Phillip hugs Will close, who starts to cry.)

For Sale by Owner

Uncle Phil: So I have an ugly side.

Geoffrey: And you could write "Good Year" on it.

Will: Hey Ashley, you didn't tell me that dude blew in your ear.

Uncle Phil: Me either.

Ashley: Uh... I embelished.

The Philadelphia Story

Man: What does this contract say?

Will: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Man: Not Philadelphia.

The man throws Will into the van

Man: Yo homes, to Bel-Air.

[Will is about to go fight a long time bully]

Will: C'mon Carlton lets go!

Carlton: I thought you said you wanted to do it alone.

Will: I do. If I win, I need a witness. If I lose, you're my blood type.

When confronting his former bully, Omar...

Will: Listen man, you've kicked me off this court for the last time!

Omar: I don't even remember kicking you off the first time.

Will: You really don't remember me?

Omar: No.

Will: Hey, can I borrow that ball? (he takes a basketball from one of Omar's friends) Let me give you a little hint. (he hits Omar in the head with the ball)

Omar: Oh, I remember you now. But I'm not like that anymore.

Will: Really? You still look like that same bald-headed punk to me.

Omar: Oh yeah, I remember you. You're the chicken sandwich guy.

Will: I AM NOT A CHICKEN! My momma made me move. My momma made me move. I'd never leave Philly. I love it here.

Omar: So do I. That's why I started talking to the kids so that they won't make the same mistakes I did.

Will You sound like an after-school special. But that's not gonna do anything about my rep. (he gets in a fighting stance) Let's go right now, and I'm not taking "no" for an answer.

Omar: You have no choice.

Will: Oh yeah? You so stupid, you thought a quarterback was a refund. And you're so ugly, that when you were born, the doctor slapped both your parents. And your mom, oh my goodness. She's like a doorknob, everybody's had a turn.

Will: I guess the mom's the red button.

Will: Alright, let's go. Come on. (He tucks his head with hands.)

Omar: Look I know what you're trying to do, but I'm not going to hit you.

Will: (get up) Then I'll tell everyone you're a punk.

Omar: Be my guest.

Will: What about yout rep?

Omar: You see those guys? (points at his friends) That's my rep. Brother, you need to grow up.

???: Will!

Carlton: Let me know if you need me.

Will: (on the phone) Hey, Uncle Phil.

Uncle Phil: Hey Will, are you calling from the plane?

Will: Actually, I'm not on the plane.

Uncle Phil: Oh, did you mis your flight?

Will: Sort of.

Uncle Phil: Then when are you coming back?

Will: I'm not.

What's Will Got to Do With It? (1)

Uncle Phil: I'm going to be watching you like a shadow!

Will: With you it would be more of an eclipse.

Reality Bites

Ashley: Didn't you have someone you looked up to when you where younger?

Will: Yeah, Shaft.

Ashley: And how did you react when you found out Shaft wasn't real?

Will: What are you talking about? He was based off a real person.

Ashley: No, he wasn't.

Will: He was, too.

Ashley: Will, Shaft's a fictional character...

Will:[disappointed] But he went to Africa and everything...

Will: I mean Dougie loves everything. People, am I the only one who sees a problem with this? (singing) I love bugs and I love death. I love oozing flesh wounds!

Will: Freeze, munchkins!

Santa Claus: They're not munchkins, Will. They're elves.

Will: Elves, huh? And who are you, Keebler?

Santa Claus: Be a good boy, and tell Carlton to stop faxing me. I cannot get him into Princeton.

Will: Yeah where is Carlton? He had better have a good reason for standing Nicky up.

Carlton: Will locked me in the closet!

----

Hilary: Look at this.

Will (reading newspaper): "Powerful earthquake rattles northern coast."

Hilary: Oh, boo-hoo.: This.

Will: "Television personality Leeza Gibbons was shocked to learn that the woman attempting to vandalize her car was none other than rival talk show host Hilary Banks."

Hilary: (groans)

Will: "Banks, seen here, wielding a potato..."

Hilary: Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing.

I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car and it didn't even make a scratch.

At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.

Will: Hilary, you were suppo...

Never mind.

----

Hilary (aiming video camera at television to record Leeza Gibbons' show): Geoffrey?! Geoffrey?!! Geoffrey?!!!

Geoffrey: You answered, Miss Hilary?

Hilary: I have been calling you for fifteen minutes. Didn't you hear me?

Geoffrey: Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name.

I was rather enjoying it.

----

Grumpy Young Men

Carlton (comes in the kitchen with his hands on the top of his head): Did you just put super glue in my hair gel?

Will:: That's what you get for stealing my girl.

Carlton: I didn't have to steal her. She was bored with you, so that she has to come with a real man.

Will: So that I say is.. I'm not a real man?

Carlton: You got that right. It's like this "Hey, baby. (doing his pelvic thrust) bahk bahk stuff". It worked in high school, but now, it's just embarrassing!

Will: Take it easy there, stumpy.

Carlton: And you know what? I'm also getting tired of the short jokes. I'm average height.

Will: For a woman!

Carlton: I'm large enough for Valerie.

Fresh Prince: The Movie

Will: Uncle Phil. Hey man, what are you doing here?

Philip: I'll tell you what I'm doing here. Years ago, I fell in love with and married a wonderful woman named Vivian. Vivian had a sister named Vy. Vy gave birth to a child named Will, whose sole purpose in life is to MAKE MINE A LIVING HELL!!! Now you have done a lot to me these last four years, but how you managed to have me ripped out of my wonderful life in Bel-Air and relocated to this landfill BOGGLES MY MIND!!!

Will: Look Jazz, I just don't feel comfortable telling you anymore, man. Who knows, your life could be in danger.

Jazz: What life? I'm a married man.

Mob Killer: If I were you, I'd run.

Will: If you were me, you'd be good looking.

Will's Misery

Carlton: You can't understand and respect women because you're not in touch with your feminine side.

Will: And you know what your problem is? You're not in touch with anybody's feminine side.

Father Knows Best

Will (to Ashley, who was about to tell Will that she transferred out of Bel-Air Prep and into a public school): Don't tell me, 'cause if I know I can't say that I don't know when you get busted and Uncle Phil starts rounding up the usual suspects. And I am the usual suspects.

Miss Sharpe: Wait a minute.. That's a fake mustache.

Will: No, it's not!

Miss Sharpe [takes off the mustache off Will]: Yes it is!

Will: No, it's not!

Miss Sharpe: Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm calling your real parents right now.

Ashley: Will...!

Will: No, it's not!

Sooooooooul Train

Geoffrey:Master William, You need to follow the path of goodness, and let light of honesty be your north star.

Will: What good advice Geoffrey. You're such a big help.

(Will hugs Geoffrey)

(Will faces audience)

Will: Cmon people, you're not going to listen to Geoffrey when's the last time you saw him with a woman?

Lamont: All right, Philly-dilly.

Now, lesson number two is: shake your groove thang.

Geoffrey (referring to Philip's butt): If that's a groove, the Grand Canyon's a ditch.

Carlton: You played with a doll?

Will: It's not a doll. It's an action figure.

Will: Carlton, what's wrong? Are you having a Malox moment?

Carlton: I'm getting ready for Soul Train. I believe there's dancing involved.

Will: Two things. One: that's not dancing. And two: I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from the show.

Carlton: And why, pray tell, is that?

Will: Again, two things. One: because you say stuff like "pray tell". And two: you're gonna embarass me when I become the new co-host.

Will: You see, Soul Train's been looking for a co-host for months, and so far no one's worked out.

Carlton: And they're gonna give you the job based on your love for Don Corneleus dolls?

Will: [annoyed] It's not a doll, it's an action figure. And you've got no business being on the Soul Hyundai, let alone the Soul Train.

Love Hurts

(After scuffle in Bowling alley)

Lisa: Will, I've been meaning to tell you that I'm a--

Will: A what!? A Power Ranger!?

Lisa: No, I've been studying self-defense. Did I do something wrong?

Will: Yes, you did. I was just about to retaliate.

Lisa: Baby, you were on the floor.

Will: That's how I fight!

Lisa: Let's just get back to the game.

Will: Fine!

Jazz [to Will]: I give you...The Hoodlum Pages. Okay, let's see here.

Jazz: Counterfieters... Extortionists... Car Salesmen... Ah, here. Guys who take dives...

Will: Wait, wait, wait so you're tellin' me that this guy will let someone hit him ten times for $40?

Jazz: Mention this ad and he'll throw in a head-butt.

Will: Oh okay, so this dude come down to the Peacock, stir up a little fray, I take him down and Lisa and everybody think I'm a hero. Aight, Thanks man. Hey, by the way, where'd you get this?

Jazz: ...I stole it.

Will: Yo, Mr. Yoshi!

Will: AHHHHHH AH!

Will: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Will: [initating a kung-fu movie] Chan, you have offended my family. Now I must avenge my father's death!

Master Yoshi: Having fun?

Will: Oh, sorry I...

Master Yoshi: Don't worry. Everyone likes to do that. (looks to the broken board) What the heck happened to my coffee table?

Will: I wanna be just like Steven Segal.

Master Yoshi: Oh, you wanna be a bad actor?

Carlton: Step right up, step right up. (talking through a traffic cone)

Will: (taking the cone and talking through it) Come see the amazing runt Dwarfski, The world's shortest square-headed Negro.

Will's Up a Dirt Road

Will: I call it, "Celebrity Houses, At Night!"

News Publisher: Hmm, very interesting.

Will:Cause see, here's Bob Walker drinkin some coffee in the bathroom,

News Publisher: Er....

Will: And here's Gene Simmons frying his underwear on a barbeque grill,

News Publisher: Um, that's lovely.

Will: And here's Jay Leno pouring some coffee in the sewer.

News Publisher: Oh my god!!!

Will Steps Out

----

Lisa: Will?

Will (wearing a fat suit): Well, it ain't Fat Albert!

Denise: I knew I could make you forget about your fiancée.

Will: Hey, hey, hey. Ain't nobody making me forget about my fiance.

All right, I love... Lucy.

That ain't it, is it?

Denise: It's Lisa.

Will: Ah, that's right. That's right.

Philip (using Will in an exercise to teach him how to handle things when he is with Lisa and he sees attractive women): We're walking down Rodeo Drive. You be Vivian.

Will (badly imitating Vivian): Oh jeez, Philip. You be pushing me all off the sidewalk.

Philip: Oh, for God's sake, Will. Will you please be my wife?

It's a Wonderful Lie

Uncle Phil: What are you thinking about?

Vivian: I'm just trying to recall what it felt like to be 15.

Uncle Phil: It was so long ago, how could you remember?

I'm just so upset, I'm saying things I don't even mean.

----

Ashley: You know something? This is all your fault.

Will: What is that, like the theme of this family? "When in doubt, blame Will."

Bullets Over Bel-Air

Nicky: Why do you shave and Ashley doesn't?

Will: Well, you know, because guys grow beards and some women don't.

Will: (after being shot at the bank) Hey don't be lookin' at me like that. Y'all know ain't no little bullet gonna stop me. Although, I will be doing my banking by mail from now on. Knowing my luck, I might run into a disgruntled postal worker.

Philip: We can see Will, but we have to go right home after that.

Vivian: Why?

Philip: Well, apparently we're driving the nursing staff crazy.

(Hilary and a nurse walk into the room)

Hilary: I don't understand. I'm just a visitor. Why do I need medication? And what is Prozac anyway? Do you think I need this? I feel fine.

A Decent Proposal

Lisa: Will you can be so stupid!

Will: Well, stupid is as stupid does!

Lisa: What does that have to do with anything?

Will: I don't know but the movie made a billion dollars.

Jazz: Look, I'm the black dude on ER.

Lisa: Jazz, that's not a toy.

Jazz: It doesn't have to be a toy to be fun. Watch this. Clear!

Lisa: Oh, Will you fell?!?!

Will: Yeah.......In love with you baby, Lisa will you marry me?

Lisa: (to Phillip) Have you ever crushed any one?

(Geoffrey appears; by now he would say something snarky about Phillip's weight, but Phil glares at him and he leaves)

Vy: (about Will marrying Lisa) WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT???

Geoffrey: (enters suddenly, skipping and singing) Got to do with it/ Got to do with it!

Will is From Mars...

Dr. Whitehorn: Hello, George. Wheezie.

George Jefferson: Hey, Whitey.

Dr. Whitehorn: That's, uh -- That's Dr. Whitehorn.

George Jefferson: Yeah, yeah, Horny. Where do you want me to sit?

Wheezie Jefferson: Well?

George Jefferson: Well, what?

Wheezie: He said to name three things you like about me.

George: Fine. Your mother died. Your mother's dead. Your mother ain't livin' no more.

As the Will Turns

Will: I'm Young, and I'm Restless. And I've only got One Life to Live, so I've got to follow my Guiding Light and search for tomorrow.

Save the Last Trance for Me

Will: Uncle Phil, be honest. When Aunt Viv was pregnant with Carlton, did she... (imitates someone drinking.)

Will: Carlton, are you sure Aunt Viv didn't... (imitates someone drinking.)

Great Mentos: May I have a volunteer.

Carlton: Oh, pick me, oh Great Mentos, pick me!

Will: Oh, shoot me, oh Great Mentos, shoot me!

Will: (to Vivian) Hey, hey, hey. Look, I'll walk him but somebody else gonna have to pooper-scoop.

Cold Feet, Hot Body

Denise:(walks into kitchen) Surprise!

Will:(sees her and screams )AAAAHHHH!!!

(lisa stares at him)

Will: I feel good!

Will: Alright, I'll do you- IT! I'll do it... I mean, I'll give you a ride- OOH!!

Will: (to Denise) We ain't gonna let you walk no 11 miles. Where's Nicky's skateboard?

Will: (to Carlton) There's a beautiful woman talking to me, but I don't expect you to understand that!

Will: Yo, Carlton, people are complaining there ain't no bacon on the BLT's.

Carlton: Who said the "B" had to stand for "bacon"? Read the damn sign!

Will: Bread, lettuce and tomato!?

Love in an Elevator

Stripper: I thought you said you were Will.

Geoffrey: No I said I was will-ing.

Burnin' Down the House

Geoffrey: Of all the rooms to burn in your uncle's house...The kitchen. Are you mad boy?

[Uncle Phil hugs Will. Three Days Later he has him in a headlock in the exact same place]

Will: Uncle Phil, are you gonna let me go anytime soom?

Uncle Phil: (happily) No Will.

Will: That's cool.

Philip: I am going to get to the bottom of this mishap once and for all!

(Uncle Phil Starts stomping on the floor)

(Will runs downstairs panic-struck)

Will: EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!

Bourgie Sings the Blues

Carlton: (talking on the phone) What do you mean I didn't get the job? ...Budget problems? But I was volunteering!

Carlton: (on the phone) I can't be a Big Brother? They didn't like me. Well, you tell those little brats I don't like them either!

The Script Formerly Known As

[Philip walks in and mumbles]

Will: Would you like to buy a vowel?

Philip: This trial is gonna be the death of me. We lost another juror today.

Will: Did you look under your robe?

(Will is teaching Nicky basketball tricks)

Will: Back in Phili, I was known as Will '7-47' Smith.

Nicky: Why?

(Will bounces the ball, and it makes Uncle Phil drop an expensive appliance)

Will: Because I'm about to jet!

(Will runs away)

Not, I Barbecue

Will: Tell me this, Doogie.

Carlton: Um.

Will: How is it possible that we are losing?

Carlton: I can't pull a battle to save my life.

Viva Lost Wages

Carlton: Well I tried to walk away but the craps table kept calling: "Carlton, Carlton." And the blackjack table said you can do it! And the slot machines just say: "Hey you tall handsome guy come shake my hand!" These are ALL MY NEW FRIENDS! My God they're pumping a lot of oxygen in this room!

Carlton: I had my knife. I went into the wild. But how's a little brave supposed to survive with all these bells and whistles? Well the madness is over. I'm Carlton again/

Will: Carlton, look. A quarter.

Carlton: WHERE!? (he crawls on the floor, looking for the quarter)

Will: You're pathetic!

Carlton: You're right, Will. I've hit rock bottom. How come you can see the quarter and I can't?

Will: Because there ain't no quarter. (he slaps Carlton in the head)

Carlton: Come on, eight. Eight. I need an eight.

Will: Carlton, what the hell are you doing?

Carlton: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm gambling.

Will: You can't bet all your money on one number.

Dealer: And the winner is... eight.

Will: Yes, I love you man!

Will So how much are we up?

Carlton: We're not up. We're down.

Will: Wht do you mean "we"?

Carlton: Well, after I maxed out my credit cards-

Will: Carlton, you maxed out your credit cards?

Carlton: Well, yeah. I couldn't get full value for the airline tickets.

Will: You hocked our airline tickets?

Carlton: Yeah, I had to get some from your cards. Word to the wise, Will, never leave your PIN number in your wallet.

Will You stole my wallet? How much do we have?

Carlton: Whatever's on the table.

Will: Wait a minute...

Dealer And the winner is... eight...

Will: YES!

Dealer: ...teen.

Will: NO! Wait, that says eighteen. We got eight. We should get something.

There's the Rub (1)

Vy (referring to her and Helen): Geoffrey, what do you think? Who's more desirable?

Geoffrey: It's a tie, you both lose.

There's the Rub (2)

Hilary: I exploit people everyday, but it's Thanksgiving so I'm taking a day off.

Boxing Helena

[Will is boxing a girl named Helena]

Helena:Cmon hit me!

[Will refuses to hit her]

Helena:Your mama!

Will: Mama said knock you out!

[The Next Day, Will returns and fights her back and it arouses her}.

Will: How do you like me now?!

Helena: That was...impressive. Take me!

Will: Um..You a little freaky-deeky ain't you?

Helena: Now!

Will: Well, you ain't gotta tell me twice!

[He carries her off]

Carlton: "I got a nice base."
Trainer: "says here your a walking tub of crisco."
Carlton: "Yeah but it's spread over a nice BAASEE."

I, Clownius

(Carlton enters the living room with a beat up Safety Guy)

Carlton: Hey guys. Look what I found.

Ashley: Hey, it's the dummy.

Will: Yeah, and he found Safety Guy.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (1)

Vivian: That man is on thin ice!

Geoffrey: I'll alert the fish.

[Using hand-puppets, Will and Carlton create an apologetic show for Ashley]

Will (dog): One, two, three! Hey, Ashley! [beatbox] Will and Carlton are sorry! [beatbox] Hey, kitty-cat! Hey, kitty-cat! Hey, kitty-cat! Help-help me out!

[Carlton (cat) appears]

Will (dog): [beatbox]

Carlton (cat): We care about you very much!

Will (dog): Ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, please forgive us! [beatbox]

Ashley: Thanks to you, now I'm gonna be working at Dippity Doo Dog until I'm dippity dead!

[Ashley storms off]

Carlton (cat): I think it worked. I think she's feeling much better.

Will: I think you've been smokin' a little bit too much of that catnip.

Carlton (cat): Hey! You take that back!

Will: Carlton. It's over.

Carlton (cat): It's not over! (Talking to himself) What does he mean it's over?! It can't be over!

Carlton: Will, I'm a little uncomfortable with nudity.

Will: Oh don't worry, Carlton, we're all uncomfortable with your nudity.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (2)

Philip: If i leave, I'm not coming back Vivian.

Vivian: Good.

Philip: B-because once I leave out that door, I'm gone.......I'm moving closer to the door Vivian. This is your last chance....I mean it!

Helen: Oh for christ sake, leave already!

The Butler's Son Did It

Geoffrey's Son Fredrick: Do you have any Tom Jones record?

Carlton: DO I?

----

Will: What, one day you were sipping some tea and crumpets and thought "Hey! I should fly half way around the world to steal from the father I never knew!"

Hare Today...

Uncle Phil: Having a pet is a big responsibility. You have to feed him, clean up after him...

Geoffrey: Just don't expect a thank you.

----

Nicky: Daddy, did you sit on Harry.

Uncle Phil: Yes Nicky.

Nicky: That's ok, death is a natural part of life... But what a way to go.

I, Whoops, There It Is

Karyn Parson: Will, no, stop it! Go bother Tah!

Tatyana Ali: No don't bother Tah!

I, Stank Hole in the One

Philip: You can play with Carltons clubs.

Will: What? You want me to play on my knees?

Carlton: Sounds like you guys won!

Philip: Hell no! He's an even worse golfer than you!

Eye, Tooth

Carlton: (to Hilary) William Shatner is gonna be on your show?! (to Will) And you knew? You lived in the same pool house with me, knowing how much this would mean to me, and you didn't tell me? I don't even know who you are.

I, Done (1)

Will: Hey G, wassup man? Hey look, um, (referrng to himself) I got this friend right, you know he kinda got a little problem. He got these 3 cousins, and they all moving on with new and exciting lives and everything.

Geoffrey: Is your friend pensive?

Will: My friend doesn't know what pensive means.

Hilary: Oh Geoffrey, Im gonna miss you. Oh, we have to have a special going away dinner for you, what do you wanna make?

I, Done (2)

(At the dinner table, Will's about to tell everyone that he didn't really have an apartment, but Carlton still covers for him)

Phillip: So Will, did you find a new place?

Will: Uhhhh, well Uncle Phil......

Carlton: Yeah, it's a great place!

Vivian: How does it look?

Carlton: Well, it's got ceiling-to-floor doors, and wall-to-wall floors!

Will: Carlton's just playin' y'all. There's something I have to.......

Phillip: So when do we get to see it?

Will: You can't.

phillip: Why not?

Carlton: Because, it's tinted. (being drowned out by the audience's laughter) You can't see inside of it.

Will: Carlton, it's okay man, I can do this. You can't see my apartment......because I don't have one.

Carlton: It's a condo!

Will: Okay, that's alright Carlton.

Will: Whereever and whenever...I got your back, C.

Carlton: Whereever, whenever I've got your back...W. (Moment's pause) That just doesn't sound right coming from me, does it?

Will: It sounds great man.

Vivian: Nicky, did you remember to go to the bathroom?

Nicky: Of course.

Hilary: Carlton, did you remember to go to the bathroom?

Carlton: Of course....I'll be right back.

Uncle Phil: (Referring to calling Will on Sundays like his other children after they sell the house) Sunday.

Will: Sundays.

(Will turns off the lights ; The final scene of the series)

Carlton: (in the bathroom) Hey! Who turned off the lights?! (comes down with his pants down) Where is everybody?!

Will: I'm definitely gonna miss you C...

(Will slowly walks away and camera zooms out and gets a ceiling view of the living room. This concludes the six year run of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)

Cast

Will Smith: Will Smith
James Avery: Phillip Banks
Janet Hubert-Whitten: Vivian Banks (1-67)
Daphne Reid: Vivian Banks (episodes 68-148)
Karyn Parson: Hilary Banks
Tatyana M. Ali: Ashley Banks
Joseph Marcell: Geoffery
Alfonso Ribeiro: Carlton Banks
Ross Bagley: Nicky Banks